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The knock on the door came beginning of May, my husband of 29 years was arrested and his devices seized. The disgust, anger and disbelief of those first days seems to have gone and I'm left feeling nothing, is this wrong, does it mean I'm accepting of his crime. He isnt living here at the moment, but I miss him every day and havent stopped loving him. I have 2 grown up children, 1 who is supporting and trying to help her dad, the other, my son has washed his hands of him and wants ni more to do with him. Is it wrong I still want to be with him? I know it's still really early days, he is doing everything to get the help.he needs and has been totally honest with me as he wanted me to know everything before it comes out in court. I dont understand this dark web stuff but he says hes been in chat forums and shared/looked at 100s of cat A B C pictures, he cant remember when it went from adult porn to this but thinks 18 months to 2 years, so we are probably looking at prison. Why am I just just walking away. Does anyone else have feelings similar to mine?
Hi Lily Jane,
I was about to post a very similar post to yours.
Our knock was almost 4 weeks ago. Husband isn't here either just me and the kids with a massive hole in our lives and in my heart! We have been together 20 years. He is the most amazing husband and dad. Whilst I hate what he has done...he says the pressure of life and many stresses and strains we have been through... built up and he found a very horrid way of coping. He is being very honest with me about his emotions and working on modules with stop it now etc. The evidence was from 2018 but he says he can't remember when one went to another. He says it's all such a blur now and sickens him.
My family are telling me how to feel....to get over him. I love him and want him and us so so much. They are not understanding that. It's just so so hard. I thought we had an amazing marriage and I am expected to just flick a switch off and hate him now.
I have saw him a few times and he was still him...still the husband I love. I realised they he had emotionally withdrawn from me over the past year or so but it feels like he is back to life.. he says he feels it. He is getting help with his mental health and counselling etc.
So I can totally relate to how you feel. This is the most traumatic and impossible situation. I feel like family and society will dictate my decision in the long term which breaks my heart. I cannot even imagine a future without my soulmate ???? x
I was about to post a very similar post to yours.
Our knock was almost 4 weeks ago. Husband isn't here either just me and the kids with a massive hole in our lives and in my heart! We have been together 20 years. He is the most amazing husband and dad. Whilst I hate what he has done...he says the pressure of life and many stresses and strains we have been through... built up and he found a very horrid way of coping. He is being very honest with me about his emotions and working on modules with stop it now etc. The evidence was from 2018 but he says he can't remember when one went to another. He says it's all such a blur now and sickens him.
My family are telling me how to feel....to get over him. I love him and want him and us so so much. They are not understanding that. It's just so so hard. I thought we had an amazing marriage and I am expected to just flick a switch off and hate him now.
I have saw him a few times and he was still him...still the husband I love. I realised they he had emotionally withdrawn from me over the past year or so but it feels like he is back to life.. he says he feels it. He is getting help with his mental health and counselling etc.
So I can totally relate to how you feel. This is the most traumatic and impossible situation. I feel like family and society will dictate my decision in the long term which breaks my heart. I cannot even imagine a future without my soulmate ???? x
Hi Rainbowgirl80
Thank you for replying you seem to know how I feel, because your feeling the same, you are right society/friends family seem to want to make the decision for us and I feel myself bowing to the pressure, but my heart is breaking, I just dont feel strong enough on my own without my family, but they all go home at the end of the day to their families and are not the one on their own. My husband is doing the same as yours and for the first time in many years now underneath the guilt, self loathing etc I can see the man I married and fell in love with looking back I.can see that he distanced himself from me, bu at the time I just put it down to the stresses of life and a very demanding job, which on hindsight was prob one of the main issues, now his job has been taken.from him he says he is relieved and is beginning to feel like himself. Obviously the financial.implications for us arent good but we cannot change that.
Thank you for replying you seem to know how I feel, because your feeling the same, you are right society/friends family seem to want to make the decision for us and I feel myself bowing to the pressure, but my heart is breaking, I just dont feel strong enough on my own without my family, but they all go home at the end of the day to their families and are not the one on their own. My husband is doing the same as yours and for the first time in many years now underneath the guilt, self loathing etc I can see the man I married and fell in love with looking back I.can see that he distanced himself from me, bu at the time I just put it down to the stresses of life and a very demanding job, which on hindsight was prob one of the main issues, now his job has been taken.from him he says he is relieved and is beginning to feel like himself. Obviously the financial.implications for us arent good but we cannot change that.
I wish I had posted sooner, I've been beating myself up over this for weeks, I already feel a small weight could be lifted. I never asked my husband to leave, he just did he tried to take his own life unsuccessfully and that broke my heart. He is staying with my daughter to give me the space he thinks I need and deserve, we meet often and i just feel heartbroken when we part and i come home to our empty house.
I didnt realise how many people are out there suffering like me
Thank you for your support
I didnt realise how many people are out there suffering like me
Thank you for your support
Hi We had the knock in March and i have stayed . Our stories are the same. I love him and as a family we gave him tbat second chance.He wiyld not have given up on us but its his second and only chance.He is a gois huaband and father with a bad porn addiction anh he crossed the line. His honesty , remorse and accepting help has kept him here. In the short time since the knock i am beginning to see the man i fell in love with and has slowly disapperaed over the last two years returning. We still have a long road but we are beginning to laught again and are enjoying each others company. Don't think it will necceraly be prison , there seems tobe no rhyme or reason to sentacing. Our solicitor has said get all the help you can this will go in your favour as hb is showing willingness to get and except help for his disgraceful behaviour. Hugs xx
Sorry about typo's
Hi girls
Wow yous are all amazing and so so strong!!!
I told my sister before that my head feels so fuzzy and confused about everything that future will bring...moving house, schools, my jobs etc etc. Yet the only thing I feel clear about is how much i love him and went to be with him. I have told them they have to stop telling me how to feel because it's not helping. I am grieving for someone I so desperately went to be with and vice versa. We are still very much in love yet cannot see eachother right now. It's absolutely breaking my heart!!! Still waiting for SS to approve supervised contact.
I totally agree with what yous are saying about getting one life. My family have visited and call me often but they are not here with me and the kids 24/7 as my husband should be!! Xx
Wow yous are all amazing and so so strong!!!
I told my sister before that my head feels so fuzzy and confused about everything that future will bring...moving house, schools, my jobs etc etc. Yet the only thing I feel clear about is how much i love him and went to be with him. I have told them they have to stop telling me how to feel because it's not helping. I am grieving for someone I so desperately went to be with and vice versa. We are still very much in love yet cannot see eachother right now. It's absolutely breaking my heart!!! Still waiting for SS to approve supervised contact.
I totally agree with what yous are saying about getting one life. My family have visited and call me often but they are not here with me and the kids 24/7 as my husband should be!! Xx
Hi to everyone and huge hugs to each and every one of you. I needed to read this today. Husband of 44 years was convicted of viewing iioc, not sentenced yet. I've stayed so far but it's hard and our adult children want me to leave
So far I haven't and so far none of them has made my leaving him a condition of seeing them or the grandchildren.... yet. But I'm prepared for that to be a possibility and I won't know what to do. You're all brave and strong and if you want to stay, then stay. But be prepared to fight ????
So far I haven't and so far none of them has made my leaving him a condition of seeing them or the grandchildren.... yet. But I'm prepared for that to be a possibility and I won't know what to do. You're all brave and strong and if you want to stay, then stay. But be prepared to fight ????
Sorry, unintentional question marks!
Hi my partner of 15 years was caught by a group of hunters last year and it was lived streamed over Facebook outside my house he had been talking sexually to one of there decoys that he believed was under age at first I didn't want to talk to him let alone see him I'm disgusted in his actions I eventually spoke to him a week before he was sentenced and he was open and honest he has mental health issues and an addiction to porn and dating apps his mental health was extremely low and he wanted out of his life but didn't want to kill himself
He got a suspended sentence and was putting his life back together or so I thought he had gettin a part time job was doing training to get a better job had his own little place then end of last year his hours at work dropped down to 7hr a week instead of the 26hr he had been doing he was struggling with bills he had stopped taking his antidepressants I did spot some of the signs but he said he was ok I had no idea he wasn't taken his medication then just after new year he sat down and told me he needed help he was really struggling so I made him a doctors appointment to sort his medication out and told him to call his probation officer and explain he was struggling unfortunately 24 hours after that appointment the police knocked on the door he had been caught by the same hunters again and although there was no sexual content in his conversation it still breached his orders he stop as soon they told him there age but the damage was already done he currently serving a custodial sentence but I'm getting grief because I've chosen to help him he made it clear he really does want the help and to turn himself around and I've been honest I do love him and always will I can't and don't want to imagine my life without him in it but he has to sort him first before we can try to sort us
I'm a really that bad of a person for wanting to help him and standing by him I've been called a (word removed) online a (word removed) support enabler that I should hang along with him but I can't help or change how I feel and I know the person I fell in love with is I there I still see him trying to get back through he just doesn't know where or how to get the help he needs
He got a suspended sentence and was putting his life back together or so I thought he had gettin a part time job was doing training to get a better job had his own little place then end of last year his hours at work dropped down to 7hr a week instead of the 26hr he had been doing he was struggling with bills he had stopped taking his antidepressants I did spot some of the signs but he said he was ok I had no idea he wasn't taken his medication then just after new year he sat down and told me he needed help he was really struggling so I made him a doctors appointment to sort his medication out and told him to call his probation officer and explain he was struggling unfortunately 24 hours after that appointment the police knocked on the door he had been caught by the same hunters again and although there was no sexual content in his conversation it still breached his orders he stop as soon they told him there age but the damage was already done he currently serving a custodial sentence but I'm getting grief because I've chosen to help him he made it clear he really does want the help and to turn himself around and I've been honest I do love him and always will I can't and don't want to imagine my life without him in it but he has to sort him first before we can try to sort us
I'm a really that bad of a person for wanting to help him and standing by him I've been called a (word removed) online a (word removed) support enabler that I should hang along with him but I can't help or change how I feel and I know the person I fell in love with is I there I still see him trying to get back through he just doesn't know where or how to get the help he needs
Hi Jane,
No you're definitely not a bad person for wanting to stand by him. You know what he's done is wrong end disgusting and clearly do not condone his behaviour.
People are so quick to judge offences such as these without knowing the facts or what's going on for the person. My husbands is an online offence and I know if it gets out society won't see if any different than if he had raped and murdered hundreds of kids. Sounds harsh but true.
I have worked in mental health and addiction for many years. I have also worked with offenders. People are very complex...nothing is black and white. Good people do bad things for so many different reasons. I do not believe that many people are rotten to the core...unless they are Psychopathic and show no remorse for their actions. Clearly your husband does as does mine. Its s sick and twisted but compulsive and addictive behaviour. It's just so sad that it wasn't something like drugs, gambling, alcohol...something society can cope with and allow people to move on from!
Life online feels so unreal to people. . that's what my husband says that it just didn't feel real because it was behind a screen. I guess it's the same with chat rooms?! The fact that there are people there posing as kids to fish them out...well I don't really think that's any better either. Two wrongs don't make a right in my book.
Hope your husband gets the help he needs and you continue to be true to yourself. We get one life...we cannot spend it making everyone else happy!! Xx
No you're definitely not a bad person for wanting to stand by him. You know what he's done is wrong end disgusting and clearly do not condone his behaviour.
People are so quick to judge offences such as these without knowing the facts or what's going on for the person. My husbands is an online offence and I know if it gets out society won't see if any different than if he had raped and murdered hundreds of kids. Sounds harsh but true.
I have worked in mental health and addiction for many years. I have also worked with offenders. People are very complex...nothing is black and white. Good people do bad things for so many different reasons. I do not believe that many people are rotten to the core...unless they are Psychopathic and show no remorse for their actions. Clearly your husband does as does mine. Its s sick and twisted but compulsive and addictive behaviour. It's just so sad that it wasn't something like drugs, gambling, alcohol...something society can cope with and allow people to move on from!
Life online feels so unreal to people. . that's what my husband says that it just didn't feel real because it was behind a screen. I guess it's the same with chat rooms?! The fact that there are people there posing as kids to fish them out...well I don't really think that's any better either. Two wrongs don't make a right in my book.
Hope your husband gets the help he needs and you continue to be true to yourself. We get one life...we cannot spend it making everyone else happy!! Xx
Hi everyone. I'm in a different situation as my son is the offender, so never could or would I be able to walk away. I just want to say when it's still raw, family and friends think of this, which it is, the worst one in society today. Their knee jerk reaction is to protect you, and hate him time will heal and things will look different in time. Only you, can make the decision whether you stay or go. One life we have, and you should be happy please don't let others dictate what you do with your life in time, people who really love you, will want you to be happy. They may not agree with you, but, it's always your choice, not theirs xx
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Hi Rainbowgirl80
Thanks I wish I had found this forum last year I know I'm not blame for his actions either time but part of me feels I let him down as didn't pay enough attention to the fact he was struggling the night he was arrested the second time I was adamant that it was over that was nearly 5 months ago but I did still write to him mostly for answers and went to court he has stated numerous times he's where he belongs and doesn't think 10 months is long enough for what he did and he wants the help that along with the fact that he did stop the conversation when told the age and didn't take it further or of sexual content is why I've said I will help and support him but this is his last chance
I get why people feel how they do as I never understood why anyone would standby by someone who had committed these sorts of offences until it happened to me and then been on the other side made me realise it's not as black and white
iget why those groups do what they do but turning up at people's door live streaming on social media I don't get they have all the evidence why don't they just hand it to the police and let them do their jobs but yes two wrongs don't make a right and they don't know the circumstances or reasons behind they just see everything as black and white
Thanks I wish I had found this forum last year I know I'm not blame for his actions either time but part of me feels I let him down as didn't pay enough attention to the fact he was struggling the night he was arrested the second time I was adamant that it was over that was nearly 5 months ago but I did still write to him mostly for answers and went to court he has stated numerous times he's where he belongs and doesn't think 10 months is long enough for what he did and he wants the help that along with the fact that he did stop the conversation when told the age and didn't take it further or of sexual content is why I've said I will help and support him but this is his last chance
I get why people feel how they do as I never understood why anyone would standby by someone who had committed these sorts of offences until it happened to me and then been on the other side made me realise it's not as black and white
iget why those groups do what they do but turning up at people's door live streaming on social media I don't get they have all the evidence why don't they just hand it to the police and let them do their jobs but yes two wrongs don't make a right and they don't know the circumstances or reasons behind they just see everything as black and white
Hi Lee1969
THank you Yeah they say they are recording for their safety and the person they are sting but in reality I don't think the case why live stream they claim they are professional trained but they put the innocent families lives in danger while I do get it to certain degree they your right they aren't about safe guarding children
They don't know the circumstances of what they are going into and they obviously condone there followers harassment of families and in the case of the group that caught my partner the group harassed me for standing by my partner I got private messages calling me nasty names and comments under the sting from the group too
They claim most police support what they do but from what I understand most police don't condone what they do or how they go about it I know they say they wait for the first interaction but to a degree I would of thought what they do is entrapment and they humiliate and belittle people
Its hard enough to cope and get your head around what the person you love has done without it been splashed all over hopefully they will put a stop to these groups because they do do more harm then good
My partner never lied about what he had done when they caught him he was honest despite them parading him outside our home and shining the headlights of there car directly in his face he showed remorse and still does for his actions the group claim that just because he's been caught and he's lying but they don't know him I know he really tried hard to turn his life around his solicitor asked for him to be put on a sex offenders course to help but the judge said he didn't qualify even his probation officer never really address the issues that caused him to offend he was really nice bloke as I meet a few times when I went to appointment to support my partner but his appointment never lasted more then 10 minutes at most he was let down right from the start of the court system he wasn't told where he could get independent help from despite asking on numerous occasions so he gave up in the end unfortunately he didn't think anyone cared or wanted to help
I'm doing my own research for help that's out there for him this time so he has a starting point once he's out and start to get the help he's been asking for it hurts me when he says he doesn't think that they were hard enough on him that they should lock him up and throw the key away especially when he is disgusted and remorseful of his own actions and wants the help to turn himself around
THank you Yeah they say they are recording for their safety and the person they are sting but in reality I don't think the case why live stream they claim they are professional trained but they put the innocent families lives in danger while I do get it to certain degree they your right they aren't about safe guarding children
They don't know the circumstances of what they are going into and they obviously condone there followers harassment of families and in the case of the group that caught my partner the group harassed me for standing by my partner I got private messages calling me nasty names and comments under the sting from the group too
They claim most police support what they do but from what I understand most police don't condone what they do or how they go about it I know they say they wait for the first interaction but to a degree I would of thought what they do is entrapment and they humiliate and belittle people
Its hard enough to cope and get your head around what the person you love has done without it been splashed all over hopefully they will put a stop to these groups because they do do more harm then good
My partner never lied about what he had done when they caught him he was honest despite them parading him outside our home and shining the headlights of there car directly in his face he showed remorse and still does for his actions the group claim that just because he's been caught and he's lying but they don't know him I know he really tried hard to turn his life around his solicitor asked for him to be put on a sex offenders course to help but the judge said he didn't qualify even his probation officer never really address the issues that caused him to offend he was really nice bloke as I meet a few times when I went to appointment to support my partner but his appointment never lasted more then 10 minutes at most he was let down right from the start of the court system he wasn't told where he could get independent help from despite asking on numerous occasions so he gave up in the end unfortunately he didn't think anyone cared or wanted to help
I'm doing my own research for help that's out there for him this time so he has a starting point once he's out and start to get the help he's been asking for it hurts me when he says he doesn't think that they were hard enough on him that they should lock him up and throw the key away especially when he is disgusted and remorseful of his own actions and wants the help to turn himself around
Hi Lee1969
Thanks I will check them out
My partner admitted to having a addiction to the porn sites (adults only) a few years back but our doctors didn't recognise it as an addiction and didn't offer any sort of help unfortunately and he was too ashamed to tell anyone else it was one conversation over a couple of hours obviously one conversation too many and within 2 days of that conversation the group were knocking on the door my partner admitted it straight away and pleaded guilty straight away his solicitor got him a suspended sentence if he'd getting the help he needed or we had known where to look to get him help ourselves I know he wouldn't be where he is now and the fact he stopped the minute they gave the alleged age I'm sure went in his favour but unfortunately it was still deemed a breach but I know he's has it in him to do what it takes to turn himself around with the correct help xx
I hope you and your husband manage to get this all sorted I wishes you all the best it's really not fair that these groups can get away with what they do or how they do it
I haven't seen my partner since February as was lead to believe of the group that caught him that he supposedly arranged to meet up with the decoy it wasn't till he was in court just before lockdown that I found out he had in actual fact stopped the conversation when told how old she allegedly was so haven't been able to get in to see him with prison visits been suspended he's only 5 miles down the road from me yet it's feels like he's a million miles away at moment
Good luck and thank you very much xxx
Thanks I will check them out
My partner admitted to having a addiction to the porn sites (adults only) a few years back but our doctors didn't recognise it as an addiction and didn't offer any sort of help unfortunately and he was too ashamed to tell anyone else it was one conversation over a couple of hours obviously one conversation too many and within 2 days of that conversation the group were knocking on the door my partner admitted it straight away and pleaded guilty straight away his solicitor got him a suspended sentence if he'd getting the help he needed or we had known where to look to get him help ourselves I know he wouldn't be where he is now and the fact he stopped the minute they gave the alleged age I'm sure went in his favour but unfortunately it was still deemed a breach but I know he's has it in him to do what it takes to turn himself around with the correct help xx
I hope you and your husband manage to get this all sorted I wishes you all the best it's really not fair that these groups can get away with what they do or how they do it
I haven't seen my partner since February as was lead to believe of the group that caught him that he supposedly arranged to meet up with the decoy it wasn't till he was in court just before lockdown that I found out he had in actual fact stopped the conversation when told how old she allegedly was so haven't been able to get in to see him with prison visits been suspended he's only 5 miles down the road from me yet it's feels like he's a million miles away at moment
Good luck and thank you very much xxx
Hi lee1969
I don't have much to add but to say you truly are a remarkable woman. I read all your post and the strength you show is really encouraging. tbh all of you are. You are all so encouraging. Thank you for being here
I don't have much to add but to say you truly are a remarkable woman. I read all your post and the strength you show is really encouraging. tbh all of you are. You are all so encouraging. Thank you for being here
Hi Lee1969
I didn't really know much about these hunters groups until last when one knocked on my door I don't remember massive chunks from that night I had some sort of anxiety attack and was completely unaware of what was going on around me I was like a zombie afterwards for weeks but yeah I quickly learned that these so called groups are out for there 5 minutes of fame and don't care who gets caught up or hurt in the process
I've felt so alone alone for ashamed for myself thinking there was something wrong with me it's nice to be able to not have to worry and know there are others out there who understand what your going through and why you choose to support your partner
ive had so many lies told about me by people who don't actually know me since he was arrested it did get to me at first especially since I'm battling my own depression anxiety and PTS but my CBT is helping me to be less and less borthered by the gossips with nothing better to do then make stories up thank you for everything I was a having a really low day as haven't heard from my partner since Saturday when he transferred and while I know logically that only a couple of days and he usually rings every 3 to 4 it feels like a lifetime when I'm missing him
virtual hugs ???? too you and everyone else too xx
I didn't really know much about these hunters groups until last when one knocked on my door I don't remember massive chunks from that night I had some sort of anxiety attack and was completely unaware of what was going on around me I was like a zombie afterwards for weeks but yeah I quickly learned that these so called groups are out for there 5 minutes of fame and don't care who gets caught up or hurt in the process
I've felt so alone alone for ashamed for myself thinking there was something wrong with me it's nice to be able to not have to worry and know there are others out there who understand what your going through and why you choose to support your partner
ive had so many lies told about me by people who don't actually know me since he was arrested it did get to me at first especially since I'm battling my own depression anxiety and PTS but my CBT is helping me to be less and less borthered by the gossips with nothing better to do then make stories up thank you for everything I was a having a really low day as haven't heard from my partner since Saturday when he transferred and while I know logically that only a couple of days and he usually rings every 3 to 4 it feels like a lifetime when I'm missing him
virtual hugs ???? too you and everyone else too xx
Hello ladies I have only just joined this forum um and can relate to everything you are saying. This all started in October and I am still reeling from the shock of the knock on the door. My husband is now getting support. His grownup daughter has been incredible but his grown up son is not accepting things and has always been controlled by his wife, may be time will heal things. We have received the summons from the court and I can't work any thing out. It started as him being investigated with facilitating a meeting but he has been charged with making and distribution with no mention of possession. Wish I had joined you sooner. Xx