How to manage this limbo hell
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How do you all keep going? Is there anyone else that now lives alone? I am 10 months in. Husband trapped by vigilantes and live-streamed on Facebook. To be honest I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shock. He has since disclosed that he met women through on line chat site. Some sex workers, some not. I’m hoping that ‘children’ not involved. But that is what he is accused of, and been found guilty by everyone who watched the video, where he confessed to everything the vigilantes spouted at him. Of course he was under threat of being beaten up, but the video doesn’t show the thugs there as ‘security’ He says he suffered from depression and anxiety and hid it from me and everyone else in his life, pretending to be well and under control.
He had a very good job, but with a very bullying boss, and a dysfunctional family. But we lived a good life, or so I thought. Just the sadness of no children’s and grandchildren, but we had plenty of god children, and their children. And I thought we handled it all together well.
His therapy and physiological evaluation shows no attraction to underage, and points to emotional damage and neglect as a child. Abuse that continued through his life. iHis on line behaviour and addiction leading to actual hook ups was his way of self medicating for this.
I understand it all in theory but still can’t quite come to terms with the fact that the man I have loved since we were both teenagers has done this to me/us.
I have some good friends supporting me, but I feel so very lonely and unhappy. My life will never be the same, and not of my doing.
Today I feel really low, as I realise this limbo phase could take so much longer to reach a conclusion and allow me to pick up the pieces of my broken life.
I read that courts are going to have backlogs of years. The police don’t seem to do anything quickly. And I still have the vigilante video out there, and peoples judgment.
Any helpful advice? Thanks. x
He had a very good job, but with a very bullying boss, and a dysfunctional family. But we lived a good life, or so I thought. Just the sadness of no children’s and grandchildren, but we had plenty of god children, and their children. And I thought we handled it all together well.
His therapy and physiological evaluation shows no attraction to underage, and points to emotional damage and neglect as a child. Abuse that continued through his life. iHis on line behaviour and addiction leading to actual hook ups was his way of self medicating for this.
I understand it all in theory but still can’t quite come to terms with the fact that the man I have loved since we were both teenagers has done this to me/us.
I have some good friends supporting me, but I feel so very lonely and unhappy. My life will never be the same, and not of my doing.
Today I feel really low, as I realise this limbo phase could take so much longer to reach a conclusion and allow me to pick up the pieces of my broken life.
I read that courts are going to have backlogs of years. The police don’t seem to do anything quickly. And I still have the vigilante video out there, and peoples judgment.
Any helpful advice? Thanks. x
Hi Tabs
I felt I had to reply to your post. It is 16 months since we had the knock. Nothing heard from authorities since then. I now live alone. We had been married over 30 years when I got the biggest shock of my life. Like you I am not sure I will ever get over it. Unlike your situation, my husband refused to discuss what he's done saying it was his problem and he would deal with it. I found his silence a killer and felt it was a constant elephant in the room. To my mind he is not dealing with it but has his head in the sand. This was my main trigger for the separation.
The limbo is cruel and I have very good days, good days and absolutely dreadful days. I know a lot of people say 'take a day at a time' but I found taking chunks of the day at a time helps when I am not feeling good. For example, I try and keep busy for a few hours at a time, rewarding myself with a sit down and cup of tea or an hour in front of the TV if I have managed to achieve something like clean and tidy the lounge. This way I don't feel the whole day stretching before me. I have also done some mindfulness activities which help you focus on the present and reduce the worrying about the future issues (which in our case we can't control).
I am not sure if this helps. Everyday for the first 6-7 months was a real struggle for me but the bad days are fewer now. Also, I find little things that I used to take in my stride can trigger all sorts of anxiety but I guess that is a knock on effect of recent traumas!
I send lots of love and support to you. Please don't feel lonely. Deep breaths and one step at a time. Accepting we can not influence the situation is hard to accept and live with.
I felt I had to reply to your post. It is 16 months since we had the knock. Nothing heard from authorities since then. I now live alone. We had been married over 30 years when I got the biggest shock of my life. Like you I am not sure I will ever get over it. Unlike your situation, my husband refused to discuss what he's done saying it was his problem and he would deal with it. I found his silence a killer and felt it was a constant elephant in the room. To my mind he is not dealing with it but has his head in the sand. This was my main trigger for the separation.
The limbo is cruel and I have very good days, good days and absolutely dreadful days. I know a lot of people say 'take a day at a time' but I found taking chunks of the day at a time helps when I am not feeling good. For example, I try and keep busy for a few hours at a time, rewarding myself with a sit down and cup of tea or an hour in front of the TV if I have managed to achieve something like clean and tidy the lounge. This way I don't feel the whole day stretching before me. I have also done some mindfulness activities which help you focus on the present and reduce the worrying about the future issues (which in our case we can't control).
I am not sure if this helps. Everyday for the first 6-7 months was a real struggle for me but the bad days are fewer now. Also, I find little things that I used to take in my stride can trigger all sorts of anxiety but I guess that is a knock on effect of recent traumas!
I send lots of love and support to you. Please don't feel lonely. Deep breaths and one step at a time. Accepting we can not influence the situation is hard to accept and live with.
Hi Izzy and Tabs
Hugs to you both. This is what I struggle with now, I've stayed but wonder if I will ever get past his offending. He's full of remorse, has done LF course getting counselling. Our adult children hate him for what he's done. (images of children) we're 3 years onbotno sentencing until August.
Good says, bad days, still unsure about our future but we're well into our 60s now and do we throw away that companionship?
Not had a great couple of days.
Hugs to you both. This is what I struggle with now, I've stayed but wonder if I will ever get past his offending. He's full of remorse, has done LF course getting counselling. Our adult children hate him for what he's done. (images of children) we're 3 years onbotno sentencing until August.
Good says, bad days, still unsure about our future but we're well into our 60s now and do we throw away that companionship?
Not had a great couple of days.
Thank you Izzy for your response. It helps to know I'm not the only one going it alone. But what a long time it's been for you. I'm pleased you get some really good days, sorry though for the bad ones. If it's like me, it just hits you with full force, as I say I don't think I'll ever recover from it. We had been married for well over 30 years. This is not the man I thought I knew.
i have been trying to do daily mediation, but I just can't focus on anything other than this nightmare at the moment. I just feel like I am the one left with running out past life; home, finaces, friends. Whilst he is in hiding licking his wounds. He should be facing up to it like I'm having to do.
Thank you too Ann, I am so horrified that you are still waiting. I also feel so sorry that you are also going through the pain with your children. The emotions must be all over the place. What is it that makes these truly good men go down this awful path?
I am so grateful that I can come on here and talk to people who really understand how I feel. My friends try their best, but I know it's hard for them. People are now saying that I should look forward to a new life.....I wish I could. But I have to get this behind me and come to terms with whatever is thrown at me.
I'm sorry, I sound so self pitying. I'm just so sad for all of us and all those affected, children, families and friends. It is a horrid place to be.
Xxx
i have been trying to do daily mediation, but I just can't focus on anything other than this nightmare at the moment. I just feel like I am the one left with running out past life; home, finaces, friends. Whilst he is in hiding licking his wounds. He should be facing up to it like I'm having to do.
Thank you too Ann, I am so horrified that you are still waiting. I also feel so sorry that you are also going through the pain with your children. The emotions must be all over the place. What is it that makes these truly good men go down this awful path?
I am so grateful that I can come on here and talk to people who really understand how I feel. My friends try their best, but I know it's hard for them. People are now saying that I should look forward to a new life.....I wish I could. But I have to get this behind me and come to terms with whatever is thrown at me.
I'm sorry, I sound so self pitying. I'm just so sad for all of us and all those affected, children, families and friends. It is a horrid place to be.
Xxx