Family and Friends Forum

I hope it's ok to post. My ex boyfriend of 5 years, who lived with me and my children for 15 months, I finished with him in 2017 - out of the blue I saw that he'd been sentenced to two years in prison for downloading child porn. I read it in the newspaper online. To say that my world collapsed - I just spun out for over a week and didn't eat and having huge panic attacks. Two weeks later and I am calmer but it consumes all my thoughts. I have so many questions and no one to ask. And would I get an answer that would be satisfactory to me anyway? I feel like going to ask his mum. I think about going to prison to ask his girlfriend - who I had no idea about - who was also found guilty. I wonder how his ex-wife is coping. I wonder about his sister. But as he was my ex, perhaps they all knew there was a trial coming up - they must have done. And I just read it in the news. It is such a massive massive shock. I feel like someone is going to knock on my door and say - you put your children at risk and you are a terrible mother, you can't have your children, you must have known. How did I not know? Did I miss signs? Five years is a long time to be in a relationship and not know. You just would never have guessed it of him. I just can't believe it. The offences occurred just after I finished with him, so he must have even being unfaithful with the new girlfriend at the end of our relationship. I have so many questions. I am hanging on to the fact that after long conversations with my kids that they were as shocked as me and reassure me that they are unaffected - directly anyway. All those long hours at work, was he looking at porn? When he sat on the sofa staring into distance looking sad, with tears running down his face - and I thought he was depressed - and trying to help him - was this the secret he was keeping that he couldn't tell me. He told me - there's something wrong with me - and I thought he was low in confidence and looking for reassurance. Was he trying to tell me that he was downloading child porn? If I can't ask him, how can I ever get answers and how can I move on with so many questions? Can anyone relate to this?

Thank you for replying. Do I just sound really awful and judgmental? I switch between feeling sad for him to being in bewilderment and then anger for putting me in this position. And guilt. And shame. I want to tell everyone - but I can't tell anyone. I will call the helpline. Thank you x

Thank you for both replying. It means a lot xxx thank you xxx I tried the helpline but it was busy. I will try again.