Looking to offload and need help...
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It has been such a whirlwind these past few months. We got the knock on 27th March and it's been crazy every since. I've posted on here a few times and you guys have been great.
Long story short, I left and stayed with my parents and I went on a winding journey to get to the point of "right let's just see how this goes, but on the proviso that if it's too much, I go, and if it gets out, I need to protect myself and go" Sounds harsh, but I've realised self-preservation is a massive component to life. Never noticed it before but I do now.
Essentially I've been living at my parents. It's a very stressful environment and i hate living here. It's loud and noisy and stressful and I don't get on with my mum. My family know about the knock as I turned to them when I left. I am in my brother's room and he is coming back from China in the next few weeks.
So my game plan of seeing how it goes and hoping we end up living together again has been shot to pieces as I am essentially being made homeless and can't afford a place on my own as I'm paying off debt. So we are getting a place together again. Fresh start and see how it goes.
I know I am doing the right thing for me but oh my days my family. They despise him and my mum and sister have openly said he won't be accepted again. In fact tonight the phrase I got was : "You should suffer a period of sadness to make everyone else comfortable and happy since it is your family yoireanyou're pleasing and not a boyfriend for a change" (I've been hevaily manipulated in the past - apart from this guy).
I was adamant that I was going to live on my own for a bit, so that if it did go wrong or get out, I was protected. However given the circumstances that's changed. However I have my family and my friend telling me I should still be moving out as soon as I have money, even if it means moving back in a later point, the inconvenience shouldnt matter.
Needless to say I haven't told any of them that I actually want this to work out and I'm seeing this as a fresh start for us.
I'm so helpless and torn. I've chopped and changed my mind lots over the past few months about what I do or don't want to do, and it's frustrated the life out of my family, but I can't help it. And even though I said I was adamant and sticking to my guns re: my own place, it's being used against me.
I love this man. So very dearly. He is the love of my life and I want to get through this together and hopefully in the best way possible, but I fear I will lose my family. And if I decide now to keep them happy, I will never forgive them for making me choose. They say they aren't, but speaking to me the way they are feels like it!
Any stories/advice you amazing people? Sorry for the rant xx
Long story short, I left and stayed with my parents and I went on a winding journey to get to the point of "right let's just see how this goes, but on the proviso that if it's too much, I go, and if it gets out, I need to protect myself and go" Sounds harsh, but I've realised self-preservation is a massive component to life. Never noticed it before but I do now.
Essentially I've been living at my parents. It's a very stressful environment and i hate living here. It's loud and noisy and stressful and I don't get on with my mum. My family know about the knock as I turned to them when I left. I am in my brother's room and he is coming back from China in the next few weeks.
So my game plan of seeing how it goes and hoping we end up living together again has been shot to pieces as I am essentially being made homeless and can't afford a place on my own as I'm paying off debt. So we are getting a place together again. Fresh start and see how it goes.
I know I am doing the right thing for me but oh my days my family. They despise him and my mum and sister have openly said he won't be accepted again. In fact tonight the phrase I got was : "You should suffer a period of sadness to make everyone else comfortable and happy since it is your family yoireanyou're pleasing and not a boyfriend for a change" (I've been hevaily manipulated in the past - apart from this guy).
I was adamant that I was going to live on my own for a bit, so that if it did go wrong or get out, I was protected. However given the circumstances that's changed. However I have my family and my friend telling me I should still be moving out as soon as I have money, even if it means moving back in a later point, the inconvenience shouldnt matter.
Needless to say I haven't told any of them that I actually want this to work out and I'm seeing this as a fresh start for us.
I'm so helpless and torn. I've chopped and changed my mind lots over the past few months about what I do or don't want to do, and it's frustrated the life out of my family, but I can't help it. And even though I said I was adamant and sticking to my guns re: my own place, it's being used against me.
I love this man. So very dearly. He is the love of my life and I want to get through this together and hopefully in the best way possible, but I fear I will lose my family. And if I decide now to keep them happy, I will never forgive them for making me choose. They say they aren't, but speaking to me the way they are feels like it!
Any stories/advice you amazing people? Sorry for the rant xx
Hi
I just wanted to wanted to write to you because I was in this very situation with family. Firstly as hard as it is, just remind yourself your families responses are currently out of fear, anger and a very big lack of understanding of the situation. The saying time is a healer is very true, and unfortunately for us we've got a long journey ahead of us and you only really understand this situation when it's forced upon you and your made to understand. To summarise my situation... got engaged, 2 months later got the knock, found out my partner has been dealing with childhood trauma, depression and anxiety which manifested into porn addiction to help him manage, still waiting for formal charges currently (2.5yrs now) but during this time we married. Media shared our story at plea hearing stage a while back and took it out of our hands in telling friends and family sadly. As I said time is a healer, relationships with friends and family still have a long way to go but it is slightly better than when they initially found out. A few are still not talking to me and others just refuse to be educated. For me I'm supporting a person I love who has made terrible choices but who was immediately remorseful and finally admitted to their struggles and get help... for that I'm not sorry and although this journey is hard I don't regret my decision. At the end of the day if people want to judge me for supporting a human in need then that is down to them as I want to live my life with compassion towards others. It took me a while, but with the right support from professionals and reading the research available I learnt how my partner came down this terrible rabbit hole. Don't be forced to do anything, and if you want to support your partner then ride out that storm. Your certainly not alone as there plenty of us in the same boat evidenced by this support group. My current frustrations is people not willing to be educated on this topic, but hopefully that will change in time. You've got this, so hold your high as you've not done anything wrong instead you are being a compassionate human who realises things aren't always black and white xxx
I just wanted to wanted to write to you because I was in this very situation with family. Firstly as hard as it is, just remind yourself your families responses are currently out of fear, anger and a very big lack of understanding of the situation. The saying time is a healer is very true, and unfortunately for us we've got a long journey ahead of us and you only really understand this situation when it's forced upon you and your made to understand. To summarise my situation... got engaged, 2 months later got the knock, found out my partner has been dealing with childhood trauma, depression and anxiety which manifested into porn addiction to help him manage, still waiting for formal charges currently (2.5yrs now) but during this time we married. Media shared our story at plea hearing stage a while back and took it out of our hands in telling friends and family sadly. As I said time is a healer, relationships with friends and family still have a long way to go but it is slightly better than when they initially found out. A few are still not talking to me and others just refuse to be educated. For me I'm supporting a person I love who has made terrible choices but who was immediately remorseful and finally admitted to their struggles and get help... for that I'm not sorry and although this journey is hard I don't regret my decision. At the end of the day if people want to judge me for supporting a human in need then that is down to them as I want to live my life with compassion towards others. It took me a while, but with the right support from professionals and reading the research available I learnt how my partner came down this terrible rabbit hole. Don't be forced to do anything, and if you want to support your partner then ride out that storm. Your certainly not alone as there plenty of us in the same boat evidenced by this support group. My current frustrations is people not willing to be educated on this topic, but hopefully that will change in time. You've got this, so hold your high as you've not done anything wrong instead you are being a compassionate human who realises things aren't always black and white xxx
Hi Crazy and confused (sounds like a good description of me too!),
I am not even as far in as you.. Our 'knock' was only on May. Husband has been bailed to his parents. We have young children so he can't live here right now.
However I can relate to the interfering family thing. In the early days I was so broken my sisters (4 of them all older) were trying to tell me I 'had to' get over him. The love of my life I have been with other 20 years, 2 kids, a marriage etc. I tried to do as they said but I was so heart broken. I spoke to stop it now and told them I still love him and want to understand.. They suggested I be firm with my family. I sent them all a message saying I know they love me and want to look out for me but I can't do things their way they need to allow me to explore my feelings for him etc. They actually took it well and have backed off quite a bit. I am not saying rhey will ever welcome him back into the family with open arms but they are trying to understand a little from what I am telling them about his mental health and addiction. My family are very strong and opinionated and no doubt still have their reservations but I have told them I don't need to hear them all I am going through enough.
So... I think you need to be true to yourself and stop trying to please everyone else. Go with what your instincts are telling you. Nobody actually knows how they will react in a situation until they are in it. I think what helped with my family is me saying I don't know what will happen in the long term... Nothing is set in stone.
Good luck hope you find a way to live your life the way you choose xxx
I am not even as far in as you.. Our 'knock' was only on May. Husband has been bailed to his parents. We have young children so he can't live here right now.
However I can relate to the interfering family thing. In the early days I was so broken my sisters (4 of them all older) were trying to tell me I 'had to' get over him. The love of my life I have been with other 20 years, 2 kids, a marriage etc. I tried to do as they said but I was so heart broken. I spoke to stop it now and told them I still love him and want to understand.. They suggested I be firm with my family. I sent them all a message saying I know they love me and want to look out for me but I can't do things their way they need to allow me to explore my feelings for him etc. They actually took it well and have backed off quite a bit. I am not saying rhey will ever welcome him back into the family with open arms but they are trying to understand a little from what I am telling them about his mental health and addiction. My family are very strong and opinionated and no doubt still have their reservations but I have told them I don't need to hear them all I am going through enough.
So... I think you need to be true to yourself and stop trying to please everyone else. Go with what your instincts are telling you. Nobody actually knows how they will react in a situation until they are in it. I think what helped with my family is me saying I don't know what will happen in the long term... Nothing is set in stone.
Good luck hope you find a way to live your life the way you choose xxx
Thank you so much for your words ladies, and also for bumping that other post up.
I'm just so upset and hurt by it. The lack of people willing to be educated and only looking "face value". I especially feel the comment of me needing to suffer some sadness to please everyone else was so hurtful.
I'm trying to do what's best for me, but being told I am wrong at every turn throws doubt at me and my understanding of myself. It's so tiring. I know I need to protect myself, as of this got out I don't know how I would cope, but I'm just needing to trust that it will be and continue to save "just in case"
I speak to someone at stop it now already so I think I will reach out to book in a session.
I'm so upset xxx
I'm just so upset and hurt by it. The lack of people willing to be educated and only looking "face value". I especially feel the comment of me needing to suffer some sadness to please everyone else was so hurtful.
I'm trying to do what's best for me, but being told I am wrong at every turn throws doubt at me and my understanding of myself. It's so tiring. I know I need to protect myself, as of this got out I don't know how I would cope, but I'm just needing to trust that it will be and continue to save "just in case"
I speak to someone at stop it now already so I think I will reach out to book in a session.
I'm so upset xxx
Couldn't read this and not comment... if you feel that your family has pressured you and overstepped boundaries in the past, then talking to someone objective at Stop It Now or an independent therapist may help you see things more clearly and focus on what you want to do. Remember that you don't have to make any long-term decisions. Think about what works for you today and go with that (as long as you're not constantly flip-flopping! :)). No one can understand anyone's relationship unless you're the one in it. Hopefully they can start to educate themselves or at least listen to you if you tell them to back off. xx
I totally agree ladies. I find it really difficult to speak to my family (dad aside).
Any time I bring it up it ends up in an argument, or I am made to feel silly. I've even been told "I thought we brought you up better than that" when I've been discussing the fact that I don't feel I can truly totally leave him. I feel that because they don't like it or understand it, then there is no way I can.
I'd love to be able to ask them to back off, but it will go down like a lead balloon. I've changed my mind a few times throughout this process. I've never truly wanted to leave, but I wanted to keep everyone happy and I tried to, but I just can't leave, and u get made to feel like I'm the bad guy for it. Because I've changed my mind a few times, it gets used against me.
I honestly don't know what to say or do anymore. I'm moving in just over a week, but being pressured to confirm that when I have the money to live on my own, I do it. I get that they want me protected, I want to protect myself too, but I don't think they are goi g about it the right way. I'd love to ask them to back off, just no idea how. It's draining, and because emotionally I'm not the strongest, I let opinions sway and change and affect me. Any choice I make is only OK if everyone agrees to it, and I'm being made out (and called) selfish for only doing what I want.
Eugh, I'm lost and don't know what to do anymore, or how to say anything...
Any time I bring it up it ends up in an argument, or I am made to feel silly. I've even been told "I thought we brought you up better than that" when I've been discussing the fact that I don't feel I can truly totally leave him. I feel that because they don't like it or understand it, then there is no way I can.
I'd love to be able to ask them to back off, but it will go down like a lead balloon. I've changed my mind a few times throughout this process. I've never truly wanted to leave, but I wanted to keep everyone happy and I tried to, but I just can't leave, and u get made to feel like I'm the bad guy for it. Because I've changed my mind a few times, it gets used against me.
I honestly don't know what to say or do anymore. I'm moving in just over a week, but being pressured to confirm that when I have the money to live on my own, I do it. I get that they want me protected, I want to protect myself too, but I don't think they are goi g about it the right way. I'd love to ask them to back off, just no idea how. It's draining, and because emotionally I'm not the strongest, I let opinions sway and change and affect me. Any choice I make is only OK if everyone agrees to it, and I'm being made out (and called) selfish for only doing what I want.
Eugh, I'm lost and don't know what to do anymore, or how to say anything...
Awww sorry to hear you're still so confused. It's so rubbish. We are dealing with a trauma and all that comes with it so our emotions are all over the place.
Yes I agree family want to protect you and see it as so black and white....he's done a bad thing... Walk away. They don't want to try and understand.. Most of society won't. I am terrified of it getting out myself n after much tooing and frowing I am 99% sure I want to be with him now and forever. Even though we can't live together right now with our boys like we should be.
Are you moving out away from your family? If so I would say very little for now until you move out. They sound very like mine. I think as I have got older I have learnt to stand up to them more as I have such a desire to please everyone. Sadly you can't... Sometimes you have to be a bit selfish. My family had to understand that whilst I love them and they are so important to me... They are not my day to day life... My family I have chose n put together myself is.
I think you could do with speaking to the stop it now helpline and or a Counsellor. In the early days I was on a daily basis n still am a couple of times a week. The emotions are completely overwhelming too much to cope with on your own. I keep getting told not to make any long term decisions yet and to take a day at a time.. It really is the best advice. We can't think straight when we are so distraught.
Sending you lots of love and strength xxxx
Yes I agree family want to protect you and see it as so black and white....he's done a bad thing... Walk away. They don't want to try and understand.. Most of society won't. I am terrified of it getting out myself n after much tooing and frowing I am 99% sure I want to be with him now and forever. Even though we can't live together right now with our boys like we should be.
Are you moving out away from your family? If so I would say very little for now until you move out. They sound very like mine. I think as I have got older I have learnt to stand up to them more as I have such a desire to please everyone. Sadly you can't... Sometimes you have to be a bit selfish. My family had to understand that whilst I love them and they are so important to me... They are not my day to day life... My family I have chose n put together myself is.
I think you could do with speaking to the stop it now helpline and or a Counsellor. In the early days I was on a daily basis n still am a couple of times a week. The emotions are completely overwhelming too much to cope with on your own. I keep getting told not to make any long term decisions yet and to take a day at a time.. It really is the best advice. We can't think straight when we are so distraught.
Sending you lots of love and strength xxxx
Thank you so much for your response.
In the beginning, I spoke to someone at stop it now and they were great, so I've set myself a reminder to email her tomorrow to book a session :)
I feel like I know what I want to do, in fact I know I do. I want to stay and go through this together, this doesn't define him as a person. I think they all see it as I'm only 29 and we were only engaged, that I should cut my losses and move on as I'm young enough to do so. Totally ignoring the fact I actually dont want to. Like youIyou, have no idea how I would cope but cross that if it comes to it.
I'll be moving back in with him, as I can't stay at my parents since my brother is coming home, and I can't afford to live on my own due to debt repayments. I'm happy for it to be honest, but my family are saying "oh how convenient". A week on Thursday is when I move and I know that once I move, I'll have little contact with them probably, or much less than now anyway. But I know anytime we do talk it will come up or I'll be asked "well how is the saving, when are you moving". I would have moved back in with him ages ago, but was adamant I was sticking to my guns and live on my own for a while, but unfortunately that decision has been taken away from me and I've had to adapt. But again, that is being used against me because the plan has changed again. I don't cope well with change, and I'm a serial insomniac, but I thought I was doing ok.
I wish I'd never told them, but they would have found out anyway as I cannot fib to save myself and we would have had to change our wedding date. And I had to tell my best friend as she is a police officer and she can't be seen to be involved with someone with that kind of record. Still wish I could have gotten away with telling no one as I feel I've made a bad situation worse.
Xxx
In the beginning, I spoke to someone at stop it now and they were great, so I've set myself a reminder to email her tomorrow to book a session :)
I feel like I know what I want to do, in fact I know I do. I want to stay and go through this together, this doesn't define him as a person. I think they all see it as I'm only 29 and we were only engaged, that I should cut my losses and move on as I'm young enough to do so. Totally ignoring the fact I actually dont want to. Like youIyou, have no idea how I would cope but cross that if it comes to it.
I'll be moving back in with him, as I can't stay at my parents since my brother is coming home, and I can't afford to live on my own due to debt repayments. I'm happy for it to be honest, but my family are saying "oh how convenient". A week on Thursday is when I move and I know that once I move, I'll have little contact with them probably, or much less than now anyway. But I know anytime we do talk it will come up or I'll be asked "well how is the saving, when are you moving". I would have moved back in with him ages ago, but was adamant I was sticking to my guns and live on my own for a while, but unfortunately that decision has been taken away from me and I've had to adapt. But again, that is being used against me because the plan has changed again. I don't cope well with change, and I'm a serial insomniac, but I thought I was doing ok.
I wish I'd never told them, but they would have found out anyway as I cannot fib to save myself and we would have had to change our wedding date. And I had to tell my best friend as she is a police officer and she can't be seen to be involved with someone with that kind of record. Still wish I could have gotten away with telling no one as I feel I've made a bad situation worse.
Xxx
I wanted to let you know that this CAN work out. I stayed with my husband, (30 years together, two teenage children) and we worked through the LF material, I attended the LF course, he found a good therapist and we kept talking, learning, trying to understand. His arrest was 2.5 years ago and he was given a suspended sentence. We are a couple again who love each other. In understanding and forgiving I helped myself as well. He can't work now so he cooks and takes care of the family. It's very precious waking up in the morning and seeing him next to me.
Thank you ladies. I hope so and I hope I still get to have a relationship with my family as some of them are pretty set in their judgements.
I just know that he's my guy, and that will never change. This whole thing is heartbreaking.
The support on here though has helped me no end. You're all amazing and wonderful and strong and supportive!
First court date tomorrow too, fingers crossed!
Xx
I just know that he's my guy, and that will never change. This whole thing is heartbreaking.
The support on here though has helped me no end. You're all amazing and wonderful and strong and supportive!
First court date tomorrow too, fingers crossed!
Xx