Feeling alone
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Hi everyone,
Just came on for a bit of support as I'm feeling very alone.
My dad has court next month. As u all know after the knock is a emotional rollercoaster. I spent lots of time angry and hurt and I wanted answers, didnt want to see dad but also felt worried, scared and upset for him. I had some councilling and cut contact for my children as there had been some suspicions and for me although nothing ever surfaced is just too much to bare, the cut of contact was hard on my eldest (9) whonhad a particularly special bond and to see her suffer loosing grandad has been heartbreaking.
Through all this I have maintained contact with dad once a week. For me, to get answers and for him as support. My partner, his family and a few close friends supported me in my descion.
At 1st contact was strained. I've never had a emotional connection with my dad. He didnt live with me and was a weekend dad but I have amazing memorys and he was a reta source of fun throughout my life, but just closed off emotionally. At 1st I told dad I was going to be honest with him and I wanted that back, to his due he has tried to answer questions and give me what I need, it has been hard but after a while he started to open up, it's not easy for him...nor me to listen for that matter but the good is we are now really close. I know my dad like never before we have talked about so much not just about his offence but his life and I've found out so much about him as a person. although I believe the crimes (only online as far as I'm aware all non contact) he should be punished for I have also come to the descion I want to stand by him, which dad is so great full for and has expressed this in abundance, he believes he doesnt deserve my support and is so grateful as he is a bit lost and only has me my sister and his elderly parents. ì dont want to loose the bond we have built, which is bittersweet as it is hightly likely he will get a custodial sentence.
I have been cautious saying any of this to my partner, friends or family (on my partners side) but they have all started to tell me they think I need to cut contact now...its like they expected me to be over it all by now and to have cut him off completely. I cant do it and I dont want to do it. My dad needs me and I want to be there for him but everyone else thinks hes manipulating me emotionally and I owe him nothing and shouldn't think twice about never speaking to him again...I even fear this could split me and my kids dad up if I had to choose and we have been together 15 years. My partner says very little but it's clear hes unhappy and struggling with me having contact and his family (who I am very close with due to loosing my mum young) have suggested its setting a bad example and hurting and confusing my children me continuing my relationship with my dad. I think the next few months ive lots of hard choices and situations coming my way.
Sorry for the long post!
Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings
Xx
Just came on for a bit of support as I'm feeling very alone.
My dad has court next month. As u all know after the knock is a emotional rollercoaster. I spent lots of time angry and hurt and I wanted answers, didnt want to see dad but also felt worried, scared and upset for him. I had some councilling and cut contact for my children as there had been some suspicions and for me although nothing ever surfaced is just too much to bare, the cut of contact was hard on my eldest (9) whonhad a particularly special bond and to see her suffer loosing grandad has been heartbreaking.
Through all this I have maintained contact with dad once a week. For me, to get answers and for him as support. My partner, his family and a few close friends supported me in my descion.
At 1st contact was strained. I've never had a emotional connection with my dad. He didnt live with me and was a weekend dad but I have amazing memorys and he was a reta source of fun throughout my life, but just closed off emotionally. At 1st I told dad I was going to be honest with him and I wanted that back, to his due he has tried to answer questions and give me what I need, it has been hard but after a while he started to open up, it's not easy for him...nor me to listen for that matter but the good is we are now really close. I know my dad like never before we have talked about so much not just about his offence but his life and I've found out so much about him as a person. although I believe the crimes (only online as far as I'm aware all non contact) he should be punished for I have also come to the descion I want to stand by him, which dad is so great full for and has expressed this in abundance, he believes he doesnt deserve my support and is so grateful as he is a bit lost and only has me my sister and his elderly parents. ì dont want to loose the bond we have built, which is bittersweet as it is hightly likely he will get a custodial sentence.
I have been cautious saying any of this to my partner, friends or family (on my partners side) but they have all started to tell me they think I need to cut contact now...its like they expected me to be over it all by now and to have cut him off completely. I cant do it and I dont want to do it. My dad needs me and I want to be there for him but everyone else thinks hes manipulating me emotionally and I owe him nothing and shouldn't think twice about never speaking to him again...I even fear this could split me and my kids dad up if I had to choose and we have been together 15 years. My partner says very little but it's clear hes unhappy and struggling with me having contact and his family (who I am very close with due to loosing my mum young) have suggested its setting a bad example and hurting and confusing my children me continuing my relationship with my dad. I think the next few months ive lots of hard choices and situations coming my way.
Sorry for the long post!
Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings
Xx
I just want to send you a big virtual hug, I too am an adult daughter of a dad who has been charged with IIOC, I only found out a few weeks ago and it has shook my world. For people outside it seems black and white but inside it's not x
It really sucks.when its ur parent! I was so confused and angry, especially because of the contact with my children. But time has taught me so much, humans make bad choices, some alot worse than others. To the outside world he made these choices because he is a predator out for his own gratification yet I know his viewing came from a place of pain and hurt that has tormented him for most of his life, to ashamed to seek help, i feel no good can come of just leaving someone in their darkest hour, we are all susceptible to make terrible choices and deal with situations wrong and although we should be held accountable and punished for that it's not for anyone else to judge..we are all imperfect humans.
It certainly does suck!! They are still our dads, who we love very much, they aren't monsters just good men who have made a bad choice. Their choice means everything has to change for our families.
I don't understand why my dad has gone down this dark side of the internet, but I do look for changes in his life that led him to it.
Hope you have a better day today and feel a little less alone x
I don't understand why my dad has gone down this dark side of the internet, but I do look for changes in his life that led him to it.
Hope you have a better day today and feel a little less alone x
Very true vicky86, nobody is perfect, and no one can ever truthfully say they haven't made a mistake in life. Same for people who judge when they've never been in that situation x
ConfusedAdultChild thank u xx
I still think that although my dad did have life events that lead him down that path I still think that most people given any circumstance would be horrified to witness what my dad has..however even though he said he felt terrible viewing I actually think the fact he continued to do so shows he did get some form of gratification out of it..shock value...sexual who knows but the guilt and shock/enjoyment whatever it was certainly drew him into an addiction and negative cycle for a huge part of his life that consequently kept him in a place to keep offending, that being said most people would never fall into this cycle and would be naturally repelled I believe its part of him..not a part he likes. I try hard to view it as his sexuality...know one controls their sexuality and it also doesnt define someone. A gay person is more than who they find attractive and i thinking my dad no different. His actions are another thing they were a choice and for that he must face consequence and punishment. I just wish others could see it like this!!!
I still think that although my dad did have life events that lead him down that path I still think that most people given any circumstance would be horrified to witness what my dad has..however even though he said he felt terrible viewing I actually think the fact he continued to do so shows he did get some form of gratification out of it..shock value...sexual who knows but the guilt and shock/enjoyment whatever it was certainly drew him into an addiction and negative cycle for a huge part of his life that consequently kept him in a place to keep offending, that being said most people would never fall into this cycle and would be naturally repelled I believe its part of him..not a part he likes. I try hard to view it as his sexuality...know one controls their sexuality and it also doesnt define someone. A gay person is more than who they find attractive and i thinking my dad no different. His actions are another thing they were a choice and for that he must face consequence and punishment. I just wish others could see it like this!!!
I too am a daughter and we are waiting to hear what has gone on with the police investigation, we're not sure if/when it'll end up in court! I 100% understand how you're feeling, it is so hard when they have always been a loving and supportive father. I am also watching the breakdown of my parents marriage which is so so horrible- feeling like I'm being torn in two!
Sending you a huge virtual hug!
Sending you a huge virtual hug!
He's my dad, he never did anything with myself or my sister, never with my niece or nephew, and I cannot believe it of him. Part of me will never be able to believe he did this, part of me will always be wondering if he did. It's all so very hard to deal with but he's been my dad for over 40 years and there is a love there which isn't just going to go away.
If I was estranged from him the idea of cutting ties would be easier but even then it has to be hard.
You shouldn't be expected to act in a specific way. I think it is like grieving, everyone has a different timeframe and process and telling someone they "should be over it" (or expecting them to act as if they are) no matter how long it has been is just wrong.
If I was estranged from him the idea of cutting ties would be easier but even then it has to be hard.
You shouldn't be expected to act in a specific way. I think it is like grieving, everyone has a different timeframe and process and telling someone they "should be over it" (or expecting them to act as if they are) no matter how long it has been is just wrong.