Can't talk to anyone.
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Had the knock 2 weeks ago and due to the nature of the accusation I can't speak to anyone about it because all my friends have children and we'll it won't go down well.
Had a lovely chat to Lisa from Lucy's foundation on Monday night and I can't thank her enough as I was at my lowest point. So Lisa if your reading from the bottom of my heart thank you.
I did post a week ago and reading it back it was mumbo jumbo as I wrote it in the madness of the week of the knock so now I hope this makes more sense and I'd like to introduce myself. Hello everyone.
My partner of a year was taken for questioning 2 weeks ago and accused of cat a b and c images. Less than 300. He claims these were found on a shared computer but cannot prove it was someone else who was viewing them. He denies this profusely. My knees buckled as the police sat in my house telling me the outline and ever since iv had severe anxiety, constantly crying/tearful not eating etc. They did not do a search of his house even though he offered to cooperate this.
He's waiting to be charged. He's been told to plead guilty for the lesser sentence by the lawyer involved. This will hopefully make it not prison for him. But it's the aftermath that worries me. The media. Names in the paper. The register.
He is hoping our relationship with withstand this. I am fortunate I have no kids, my own house and can make a clean break if necessary. He's talked about taking his own life several times as he's says he has nothing without me. Iv told him he has a child to live for (from a prev relationship) and he had to have a diificult conversation with her to say he might have to go and work away for a while to protect her from worrying and wondering where her daddy is. I guess the ss will be involved quite rightly so too. I go to work and I come home. I can't sleep. Its horrendous on us partners. I feel like I'm being punished too. It's a painful experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm just praying there isn't enough evidence and thus whole nightmare will go away. But being realistic I know chances of that are slim.
I'm communicating via text with him. I'm trying to be strong by limiting my voice with him. But then I worry what if he does something stupid so I call him. But then I'm just so angry with him as well. Our lives are in turmoil. Does this get easier?
I feel absolutely awful saying this but how do I even know if he's telling the truth? I can only go with what he's told me and my gut. Iv asked him to stay at his flat out of my way so I can have space and come to terms with the accusation. I salute you ladies who have stuck by their husbands and partners and I'm wondering how you've found them being on the register has that put any obstacles in your way? Thank you for taking the time to read
Yaz
Had a lovely chat to Lisa from Lucy's foundation on Monday night and I can't thank her enough as I was at my lowest point. So Lisa if your reading from the bottom of my heart thank you.
I did post a week ago and reading it back it was mumbo jumbo as I wrote it in the madness of the week of the knock so now I hope this makes more sense and I'd like to introduce myself. Hello everyone.
My partner of a year was taken for questioning 2 weeks ago and accused of cat a b and c images. Less than 300. He claims these were found on a shared computer but cannot prove it was someone else who was viewing them. He denies this profusely. My knees buckled as the police sat in my house telling me the outline and ever since iv had severe anxiety, constantly crying/tearful not eating etc. They did not do a search of his house even though he offered to cooperate this.
He's waiting to be charged. He's been told to plead guilty for the lesser sentence by the lawyer involved. This will hopefully make it not prison for him. But it's the aftermath that worries me. The media. Names in the paper. The register.
He is hoping our relationship with withstand this. I am fortunate I have no kids, my own house and can make a clean break if necessary. He's talked about taking his own life several times as he's says he has nothing without me. Iv told him he has a child to live for (from a prev relationship) and he had to have a diificult conversation with her to say he might have to go and work away for a while to protect her from worrying and wondering where her daddy is. I guess the ss will be involved quite rightly so too. I go to work and I come home. I can't sleep. Its horrendous on us partners. I feel like I'm being punished too. It's a painful experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm just praying there isn't enough evidence and thus whole nightmare will go away. But being realistic I know chances of that are slim.
I'm communicating via text with him. I'm trying to be strong by limiting my voice with him. But then I worry what if he does something stupid so I call him. But then I'm just so angry with him as well. Our lives are in turmoil. Does this get easier?
I feel absolutely awful saying this but how do I even know if he's telling the truth? I can only go with what he's told me and my gut. Iv asked him to stay at his flat out of my way so I can have space and come to terms with the accusation. I salute you ladies who have stuck by their husbands and partners and I'm wondering how you've found them being on the register has that put any obstacles in your way? Thank you for taking the time to read
Yaz
Hello Yaz
Sorry you are now part of this group which no one wanted to join. First thing I recommend is taking care of yourself... I went to the doctors... I was apprehensive because I didn't want to expand the foot print of my partners offence, however it was a godsend being able to talk confidentially with my GP. The antidepressants he prescribed helped me to get through the first few months.
This crisis can take a while to get finished. The courts appear to be clogged up with cases. According to police 500 offenders every month are being arrested for child abuse images.
My partner was convicted of all 3 categories, he was sentenced to 12 months in prison suspended for 2 years. He was given a SHPO and put on the register for 10 years. I too needed to know absolutely everything about what he had done and if what he was saying was the TRUTH. I insisted that he tell his solicitor that I wanted to read the police report and charges I also read the report written by the probation service. This report is normally mandatory prior to the judge giving his sentence and details fully his risk level, his attitude to his arrest and conviction etc.
Without this knowledge I would have left... After his court appearance it was reported widely in the press and on social media.
Whilst it was initially shocking to deal with... The saying... chip paper next week is true. We have not moved and not suffered any vigilante issues. Neighbours who do know now ignore us but I can live with that...
Only you can decide whether to stay or not... Until your friends or family have walked in our shoes they have no idea how to react. Also my weddings vows included the words... For better or worse.... Yes he's been an absolute dick... But he's a good man who was reckless and became desensitized to porn and entered the dark side looking for the next thrill.
Since his arrest and conviction its as if he's bees hit over the head and reset... For me I finally have back my real husband...
Can I also suggest you watch the video Brain, Heart, World.
Best wishes...
Sorry you are now part of this group which no one wanted to join. First thing I recommend is taking care of yourself... I went to the doctors... I was apprehensive because I didn't want to expand the foot print of my partners offence, however it was a godsend being able to talk confidentially with my GP. The antidepressants he prescribed helped me to get through the first few months.
This crisis can take a while to get finished. The courts appear to be clogged up with cases. According to police 500 offenders every month are being arrested for child abuse images.
My partner was convicted of all 3 categories, he was sentenced to 12 months in prison suspended for 2 years. He was given a SHPO and put on the register for 10 years. I too needed to know absolutely everything about what he had done and if what he was saying was the TRUTH. I insisted that he tell his solicitor that I wanted to read the police report and charges I also read the report written by the probation service. This report is normally mandatory prior to the judge giving his sentence and details fully his risk level, his attitude to his arrest and conviction etc.
Without this knowledge I would have left... After his court appearance it was reported widely in the press and on social media.
Whilst it was initially shocking to deal with... The saying... chip paper next week is true. We have not moved and not suffered any vigilante issues. Neighbours who do know now ignore us but I can live with that...
Only you can decide whether to stay or not... Until your friends or family have walked in our shoes they have no idea how to react. Also my weddings vows included the words... For better or worse.... Yes he's been an absolute dick... But he's a good man who was reckless and became desensitized to porn and entered the dark side looking for the next thrill.
Since his arrest and conviction its as if he's bees hit over the head and reset... For me I finally have back my real husband...
Can I also suggest you watch the video Brain, Heart, World.
Best wishes...
Hi Snowdrop
Thank you for reading and responding. I too am going to ask to see these reports. I am going to make that a condition for him. I didn't know about that and I thank you for making me aware of it. This will help me get the truth! I don't want to go down the route of the anti depressants if I can help it but I'm going to seek councilling as if this does come out in the media I don't think I will cope. I'm hoping the media won't release his name as he has a daughter of school age and I would be devastated if her school friends/mums become funny towards her and upset her time at school. People can be cruel. I worry people will tarnish me with the same brush. I'm 75% walking away anyway. The other 25% is my heart believing he's a good man, telling me the truth and could commit suicide over this, and I would never forgive myself should that happen. In my head iv decided to support him until he gets the outcome. If it comes out and becomes local knowledge il walk away. Iv sort of started that already by not seeing him at the minute. It's just a very hard situation isn't it. I hope your gaining strength each day and your marriage is repairing. Thanks again x
Thank you for reading and responding. I too am going to ask to see these reports. I am going to make that a condition for him. I didn't know about that and I thank you for making me aware of it. This will help me get the truth! I don't want to go down the route of the anti depressants if I can help it but I'm going to seek councilling as if this does come out in the media I don't think I will cope. I'm hoping the media won't release his name as he has a daughter of school age and I would be devastated if her school friends/mums become funny towards her and upset her time at school. People can be cruel. I worry people will tarnish me with the same brush. I'm 75% walking away anyway. The other 25% is my heart believing he's a good man, telling me the truth and could commit suicide over this, and I would never forgive myself should that happen. In my head iv decided to support him until he gets the outcome. If it comes out and becomes local knowledge il walk away. Iv sort of started that already by not seeing him at the minute. It's just a very hard situation isn't it. I hope your gaining strength each day and your marriage is repairing. Thanks again x
Hi Yaz and Snowdrop. My husband did exactly the same as yours snowdrop he got 12 month suspended and has to sign the register for 10 years. He has done one year already. Last week my niece found out and has made my sister who we are very close chose between us and her grandchildren.. obviously she has chosen her grandchildren.. so yet again it comes up to bite. I don't regret standing by him he is a good man.. but reporters and public do not realise we are also victims. There was no one for me to talk to so this group meant a lot. It helped me knowing I wasn't the only one who was going through this. but we will get through this together. Stay Strong it does get easier ?
Hi lilly
Sorry to hear its crept back up for you. How did you cope in the beginning? My knock was 2 weeks ago. It's still very raw.
Only small mercy is we are not married nor living together so I'm hoping no-one I know puts 2 and 2 together. His case is looming and I'm terrified of what I will find out and if the media get wind.
It's an impossible situation isn't it? My partner thinks our relationship will continue like normal after all this but iv lost all trust in him. He says I'm acting differently towards him what does he expect? I just don't see how our lives as a couple will withstand this as there are going to be future limitations. I feel awful saying that but it's true. He keeps saying he has nothing to live for without me so I'm trying to show some support until the court.
I'm feeling anxious tonight. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have here to reach out on. Iv literally no one I can talk to about it. I just keep thinking 2 weeks and I'll know what's what. What his future will entail. Snowdrop mentioned she got all the case files so I'm going to suggest that. Thank you for sharing I hope you find strength with your recent upevil of your niece finding out
Yaz x
Sorry to hear its crept back up for you. How did you cope in the beginning? My knock was 2 weeks ago. It's still very raw.
Only small mercy is we are not married nor living together so I'm hoping no-one I know puts 2 and 2 together. His case is looming and I'm terrified of what I will find out and if the media get wind.
It's an impossible situation isn't it? My partner thinks our relationship will continue like normal after all this but iv lost all trust in him. He says I'm acting differently towards him what does he expect? I just don't see how our lives as a couple will withstand this as there are going to be future limitations. I feel awful saying that but it's true. He keeps saying he has nothing to live for without me so I'm trying to show some support until the court.
I'm feeling anxious tonight. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have here to reach out on. Iv literally no one I can talk to about it. I just keep thinking 2 weeks and I'll know what's what. What his future will entail. Snowdrop mentioned she got all the case files so I'm going to suggest that. Thank you for sharing I hope you find strength with your recent upevil of your niece finding out
Yaz x
Hi Yaz...
Just read your reply ..thank you. Just to give you the heads up regarding access to solicitor report, charge sheet and probation report my partner had to give me permission. That was a no brainer in my eyes and not an option for situation he had caused. Finally had he refused that would have been a huge red flag which would have ended our relationship. He was left in no doubt that I wanted to see and read everything if our marriage was to continue.
One other thing I insisted on was him leaving the room so I was alone with his solicitor and could ask questions without the thougt of my partner was still being present .
Best wishes ..whatever you decide ..just make sure you don't rush ..
Just read your reply ..thank you. Just to give you the heads up regarding access to solicitor report, charge sheet and probation report my partner had to give me permission. That was a no brainer in my eyes and not an option for situation he had caused. Finally had he refused that would have been a huge red flag which would have ended our relationship. He was left in no doubt that I wanted to see and read everything if our marriage was to continue.
One other thing I insisted on was him leaving the room so I was alone with his solicitor and could ask questions without the thougt of my partner was still being present .
Best wishes ..whatever you decide ..just make sure you don't rush ..
Hi snowdrop
Thanks for your reply. I totally understand why you would need to read this information. And if he refuses then that's a huge red flag. You must be a very forgiving human too your husband is lucky to have you.
Last night he talked about the future and I said we will see and he got all mardy and said I'm not giving him any hope. Truth is I don't have any hope. I'm at a loss to it all. I'm just about coping in work (I work front of house) but I can tell my colleagues are thinking what's up with yaz? I can't get over the knock on the door. I think I'll end up worrying my whole life if we stay togrther and why should I live like that? Ahhhh I dunno what to do or say anymore really don't xx
Thanks for your reply. I totally understand why you would need to read this information. And if he refuses then that's a huge red flag. You must be a very forgiving human too your husband is lucky to have you.
Last night he talked about the future and I said we will see and he got all mardy and said I'm not giving him any hope. Truth is I don't have any hope. I'm at a loss to it all. I'm just about coping in work (I work front of house) but I can tell my colleagues are thinking what's up with yaz? I can't get over the knock on the door. I think I'll end up worrying my whole life if we stay togrther and why should I live like that? Ahhhh I dunno what to do or say anymore really don't xx
Hello Yaz
Sorry to read how stressful this is making you. Please telephone the help line..the operators are a godsend and can advise and be a listening ear.
I stated before ...if you get chance view the video head, heart, mind. It will give you an insight into porn addiction and why men...most offenders are men become desensitized to legal Image's and are drawn towards the rabbit hole of illegal images to sustain the thrill
Best wishes...
Sorry to read how stressful this is making you. Please telephone the help line..the operators are a godsend and can advise and be a listening ear.
I stated before ...if you get chance view the video head, heart, mind. It will give you an insight into porn addiction and why men...most offenders are men become desensitized to legal Image's and are drawn towards the rabbit hole of illegal images to sustain the thrill
Best wishes...
Hi Lilly
I read your message...yes our partners offending is similar. He was dealt with over two years ago now...Police forensics found 5 images on his laptop ..2A,2B and 1C. To be honest the low numbers actually helped with my decision making whether to stay or leave. Also as I have said to YAZ it was crucial that I read this evidence and fact myself. At the time of his arrest I was reluctant to believe anything he said.
In fact had he said that the sky was blue I would have asked to get it verified
Had their been evidence of long term viewing and 1000's of Image's my attitude would have been different.
His 10 Year SHPO is the most painful punishment because this is discloseable even after his conviction is spent.
He has been in touch with his Solicitor and has been told that as it is a CIVIL order he can apply to the court where it was granted after 5 years to have it discharged. This does not require and police approval as they have no involvement in its issue accept to propose what restrictions the judge should consider.
Because it's a civil order all that is required is evidence of their rehabilitation, good behaviour and actions taken to be a good citizen.
Best wishes ..
I read your message...yes our partners offending is similar. He was dealt with over two years ago now...Police forensics found 5 images on his laptop ..2A,2B and 1C. To be honest the low numbers actually helped with my decision making whether to stay or leave. Also as I have said to YAZ it was crucial that I read this evidence and fact myself. At the time of his arrest I was reluctant to believe anything he said.
In fact had he said that the sky was blue I would have asked to get it verified
Had their been evidence of long term viewing and 1000's of Image's my attitude would have been different.
His 10 Year SHPO is the most painful punishment because this is discloseable even after his conviction is spent.
He has been in touch with his Solicitor and has been told that as it is a CIVIL order he can apply to the court where it was granted after 5 years to have it discharged. This does not require and police approval as they have no involvement in its issue accept to propose what restrictions the judge should consider.
Because it's a civil order all that is required is evidence of their rehabilitation, good behaviour and actions taken to be a good citizen.
Best wishes ..
Did you mean he apply After five years of the end of the 10 years? Or from start of signing ? X
Hi Lilly
Sorry for confusing you... His conviction like my partners will classed as spent in 5 years and so does not need to be disclosed as per the rehabilitation of offenders act
The shpo is a separate civil order which if imposed for 10 years would have to be disclosed for a further 5 years.
This anomaly therefore continues his conviction period and can only be challenged at the court from where it was made.
My partners solicitor has stated he will be more successful in getting it recindered if he completes the standard 5 years... where his record will show conviction now spent and he can produce evidence of his good behaviour.
Hope that's clear as mud...
Best wishes
Sorry for confusing you... His conviction like my partners will classed as spent in 5 years and so does not need to be disclosed as per the rehabilitation of offenders act
The shpo is a separate civil order which if imposed for 10 years would have to be disclosed for a further 5 years.
This anomaly therefore continues his conviction period and can only be challenged at the court from where it was made.
My partners solicitor has stated he will be more successful in getting it recindered if he completes the standard 5 years... where his record will show conviction now spent and he can produce evidence of his good behaviour.
Hope that's clear as mud...
Best wishes
Hi everyone
sorry to hijack this post but I cant work out how to start a post of my own.
im posting simply because I'm quite shocked to have just read that the Supreme Court threw out the big case about breach of privacy that was going on. This now means that entrapmentin the uk is now perfectly legal and basically the hunter groups can do as they wish. I simply cannot believe that.
i don't agree with anyone preying on children in anyway and have no objections to the police going undercover to catch people because the police, unlike the hunters have specialist training to do this. The police also do not destroy innocent family members lives by uploading videos on the internet. I can only imagine that the hunters will get much worse from here on in after today's ruling.
incidentally, my son was not caught by hunters which makes us quite lucky. That does not stop me feeling for every single other innocent family member who has become a victim because of tho hunters actions. X
sorry to hijack this post but I cant work out how to start a post of my own.
im posting simply because I'm quite shocked to have just read that the Supreme Court threw out the big case about breach of privacy that was going on. This now means that entrapmentin the uk is now perfectly legal and basically the hunter groups can do as they wish. I simply cannot believe that.
i don't agree with anyone preying on children in anyway and have no objections to the police going undercover to catch people because the police, unlike the hunters have specialist training to do this. The police also do not destroy innocent family members lives by uploading videos on the internet. I can only imagine that the hunters will get much worse from here on in after today's ruling.
incidentally, my son was not caught by hunters which makes us quite lucky. That does not stop me feeling for every single other innocent family member who has become a victim because of tho hunters actions. X
Nicenana. I am gutted with the decision. I had hoped it would trigger a debate about privacy for family and friends of offenders too, and the legality of 'stings'. Society needs to wake up to the massive problem of on line crime and actually do something about it. Future generations are going to be really damaged.
It is really hard but expecting the worst and hoping for the best. I had been married to my husband for little over a year and feel that the whole relationship was a lie. He goes to court in September and we are waiting for the documents to come from the police. I have seen all of the paperwork so far. I've told him that whilst I'm there for him now ( I worry about him taking his life) I can't promise that I will stay. I do love him still but not sure I know him anymore. You are not alone but it is difficult to talk to people. I put off telling my parents about what had been going on as I wanted to know for sure what the charges were. I wish I'd told them sooner as they are at the, "shocked" strange where as I'm at the "let's deal with it" stage. You will find out how strong you are. I'm on the list for the Lucy Faithfull sessions for friends and family so I hope that will start soon and I can hear about others who will have also been dealing with this. I'm sendinga huge cuddle to you all. Jx
Hi jacqui
My story is exactly the same as yours except I'm not married. Sorry to hear in your first tear of marriage you are going through this hell. I too think ill be walking away as soon as I know the charges in a few weeks time. He's mentioned suicide a few times while I don't condone any of this I couldn't live with myself if he did anything stupid. Sending you a massive hug. It's horrible the situation were in right now but whatever we decide we will move forward. Better days will come they have too. That's what I keep telling myself. I just worry it will be in the press and he will be exposed. But by worrying all day long which is what iv been doing I'm putting myself through it twice. Look after yourself
Yaz x
My story is exactly the same as yours except I'm not married. Sorry to hear in your first tear of marriage you are going through this hell. I too think ill be walking away as soon as I know the charges in a few weeks time. He's mentioned suicide a few times while I don't condone any of this I couldn't live with myself if he did anything stupid. Sending you a massive hug. It's horrible the situation were in right now but whatever we decide we will move forward. Better days will come they have too. That's what I keep telling myself. I just worry it will be in the press and he will be exposed. But by worrying all day long which is what iv been doing I'm putting myself through it twice. Look after yourself
Yaz x
Hello Yaz
Yes I worry about the press but me and you also have to deal with the fallout. This has been going on since october and I need it sorting out. I am thankful we do t have children together (to old and tired after all of
Yes I worry about the press but me and you also have to deal with the fallout. This has been going on since october and I need it sorting out. I am thankful we do t have children together (to old and tired after all of
This????) his daughter has been a star but his son dosnt want to know, I haven't got the energy to deal with that now. Stay strong jx
Hi jacqui
Your right we do have to deal with that. Iv separated from him, I have since the knock on the door. I sent him packing. We only speak on the phone and we've met twice. I agreed to support him for the time being and the charge is only a matter of weeks away now.
If it becomes common knowledge in my area I have decided to say we ended in lock down. Which was when the knock happens anyway and our relationship was turned upside down.
I'm grateful too I don't have children with him. He has a daughter from a previous relationship but she's too young to understand and her mam will be protecting her as much as she can from this. I just hope his name isn't splattered in the media/social media because mud sticks. And I shouldn't be associated with that.
I need to have the conversation about moving his things out and preparing for the outcome. I feel like I'm treading on egg shells with him when none of this is my fault. I hate him for what he's put me through.
Iv recently confided in my parents and shockingly they are prepared to support me no matter what I decide. But I know in my heart of hearts I will always be looking over our shoulders looking does anyone know, the embarrassment of it all, would they think I'm associated with him? Iv worked too hard in live to have to sell my home, change my job which I enjoy. Why should I suffer. I bet you feel. The same.
I just wish this month away now and I'll know what's what.
Yaz x
Your right we do have to deal with that. Iv separated from him, I have since the knock on the door. I sent him packing. We only speak on the phone and we've met twice. I agreed to support him for the time being and the charge is only a matter of weeks away now.
If it becomes common knowledge in my area I have decided to say we ended in lock down. Which was when the knock happens anyway and our relationship was turned upside down.
I'm grateful too I don't have children with him. He has a daughter from a previous relationship but she's too young to understand and her mam will be protecting her as much as she can from this. I just hope his name isn't splattered in the media/social media because mud sticks. And I shouldn't be associated with that.
I need to have the conversation about moving his things out and preparing for the outcome. I feel like I'm treading on egg shells with him when none of this is my fault. I hate him for what he's put me through.
Iv recently confided in my parents and shockingly they are prepared to support me no matter what I decide. But I know in my heart of hearts I will always be looking over our shoulders looking does anyone know, the embarrassment of it all, would they think I'm associated with him? Iv worked too hard in live to have to sell my home, change my job which I enjoy. Why should I suffer. I bet you feel. The same.
I just wish this month away now and I'll know what's what.
Yaz x
Update
We were waiting for the cps decision last week but due to a backlog of cases this has now led to an extension of the investigation till October. Has anyone else had this?
Bf and I are barely talking now. He's very angry and taking his moods out on me saying I don't understand how this has ruined his life etc.
This is making me ill. I don't know how much more I can take. I understand there's been covid but someone could take their life with the angst of it all. I'm so drained and iv found I'm just in a daze all the time.
Can anyone give me their experience from the knock on the door to the outcome roughly what the time frame was? It would be interesting to know.
Yaz X
We were waiting for the cps decision last week but due to a backlog of cases this has now led to an extension of the investigation till October. Has anyone else had this?
Bf and I are barely talking now. He's very angry and taking his moods out on me saying I don't understand how this has ruined his life etc.
This is making me ill. I don't know how much more I can take. I understand there's been covid but someone could take their life with the angst of it all. I'm so drained and iv found I'm just in a daze all the time.
Can anyone give me their experience from the knock on the door to the outcome roughly what the time frame was? It would be interesting to know.
Yaz X