Grandparents & access
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Hi,
I hope you're all well, as much as possible anyway.
I'm looking for some advice on how to handle a situation with my ex-in-laws and my ex-husband.
He was arrested for online grooming offences in September 2017 and SS said he could have supervised access to our children. Shortly after he moved out but only a short distance away and from there was able to visit me and the children. Then he was arrested for the same thing again last summer. The police informed me, as we were divorced by then, it was a matter of safeguarding. I said I didn't want him to visit us anymore and that I would withhold contact until ss said it was safe or advised on access.
We are still waiting for a court date though he has said he will plead guilty and confessed to online grooming spanning a 15 year period. It wasn't accidental, he has tried to say it's an addiction but has miraculously stopped online activity without very much counselling or support. So I don't believe it, it feels to me like he will offend again and be clever about it.
His mum is very devoted to him and thinks she should support him, which would be most people's instinct I think but I think there is a difference between helping and enabling (she bought him a lap top after his first arrest which she told me he used to look for jobs in the kitchen with her and his dad around but actually he was using it in his room).
Recently it has come to light that my ex-husband stays at their house, which is fine but my daughter's were due to spend a lot of the summer holidays with their grandparents. My concern is that she never mentioned him staying, they are exercising together for a planned event and so there is likely to be a requirement to meet several times a week over the summer and she has breached contact arrangements with him before (sending him videos of my children).
I feel uneasy about the whole situation since she has not wanted to acknowledge what he has done or what he is like and she has always advocated that it's best for any child to see their Dad, no matter what. So I don't expect her to uphold my wishes. Another issue is that because ss were satisfied that there is no safeguarding issue because I'm not allowing him to see the children, we are no longer under investigation and because ss haven't formally told him no contact, him and his mum think it is only my decision and that I'm bitter. Which just makes me nervous that they'll go behind my back.
I've no parents and my ex is unemployed due to the pandemic so my child care options are limited by money (daughters are 11 and 7 years). So in a sense I have to rely on my in-laws but I don't feel safe or secure about it.
So my question is do I update as? Firstly so that if anything happens they will know I'm not complicit in allowing access and secondly so that they might speak to my in-laws?
Also, what are my options for childcare or support? I am finding it hard to be in this family dynamic and would probably move on more effectively if I distance myself from them all, particularly if they are to continue to support him.
Of course all of this may be decided in court, eventually but how to I keep my children safe and my own mental health in check in the meantime?
Apologies for the long post but I wanted to give some context.
Take care, Lou x
I hope you're all well, as much as possible anyway.
I'm looking for some advice on how to handle a situation with my ex-in-laws and my ex-husband.
He was arrested for online grooming offences in September 2017 and SS said he could have supervised access to our children. Shortly after he moved out but only a short distance away and from there was able to visit me and the children. Then he was arrested for the same thing again last summer. The police informed me, as we were divorced by then, it was a matter of safeguarding. I said I didn't want him to visit us anymore and that I would withhold contact until ss said it was safe or advised on access.
We are still waiting for a court date though he has said he will plead guilty and confessed to online grooming spanning a 15 year period. It wasn't accidental, he has tried to say it's an addiction but has miraculously stopped online activity without very much counselling or support. So I don't believe it, it feels to me like he will offend again and be clever about it.
His mum is very devoted to him and thinks she should support him, which would be most people's instinct I think but I think there is a difference between helping and enabling (she bought him a lap top after his first arrest which she told me he used to look for jobs in the kitchen with her and his dad around but actually he was using it in his room).
Recently it has come to light that my ex-husband stays at their house, which is fine but my daughter's were due to spend a lot of the summer holidays with their grandparents. My concern is that she never mentioned him staying, they are exercising together for a planned event and so there is likely to be a requirement to meet several times a week over the summer and she has breached contact arrangements with him before (sending him videos of my children).
I feel uneasy about the whole situation since she has not wanted to acknowledge what he has done or what he is like and she has always advocated that it's best for any child to see their Dad, no matter what. So I don't expect her to uphold my wishes. Another issue is that because ss were satisfied that there is no safeguarding issue because I'm not allowing him to see the children, we are no longer under investigation and because ss haven't formally told him no contact, him and his mum think it is only my decision and that I'm bitter. Which just makes me nervous that they'll go behind my back.
I've no parents and my ex is unemployed due to the pandemic so my child care options are limited by money (daughters are 11 and 7 years). So in a sense I have to rely on my in-laws but I don't feel safe or secure about it.
So my question is do I update as? Firstly so that if anything happens they will know I'm not complicit in allowing access and secondly so that they might speak to my in-laws?
Also, what are my options for childcare or support? I am finding it hard to be in this family dynamic and would probably move on more effectively if I distance myself from them all, particularly if they are to continue to support him.
Of course all of this may be decided in court, eventually but how to I keep my children safe and my own mental health in check in the meantime?
Apologies for the long post but I wanted to give some context.
Take care, Lou x
Gosh Lou - this sounds like a very tricky situation to be in. I'm afraid I'd be inclined to speak to SS about this. They need to make it clear to your in-laws that he can't see the children - and this needs to come from them and not you. No wonder you are suspicious that they may go behind your back. If you don't speak to SS and then your ex has contact with your children at his parents house then you could be in a tricky situation too.
My only concern for you is that these things take ages and time isn't on your side with the school holidays imminent xx
My only concern for you is that these things take ages and time isn't on your side with the school holidays imminent xx
Hi Lou,
I don't have an answer to your question, but I am in a similar position. My ex has been charged with online grooming and contact offences. The charges relate to a few years, but I know that he has been doing it for most his adult life. His parents have been supervising contact during the investigation but seem to do it mainly because they understand it has to be done, not because they really believe him to be a risk. I have tried to explain to them that if they can separate out their roles as parents and grandparents, I am happy for them to have a role in my children's lives. However I am not sure if they are able to do that, I don't think they can face up to things. One of my children asks to go and stay with them but I don't think I will ever be able to allow that as their father is likely to be released to their address after prison and I can't risk the children considering that a safe space.
I would be interested to chat more with you as your situation seems most similar to mine as a large number of posters on this forum are facing family members who have "only" accessed images.
I don't have an answer to your question, but I am in a similar position. My ex has been charged with online grooming and contact offences. The charges relate to a few years, but I know that he has been doing it for most his adult life. His parents have been supervising contact during the investigation but seem to do it mainly because they understand it has to be done, not because they really believe him to be a risk. I have tried to explain to them that if they can separate out their roles as parents and grandparents, I am happy for them to have a role in my children's lives. However I am not sure if they are able to do that, I don't think they can face up to things. One of my children asks to go and stay with them but I don't think I will ever be able to allow that as their father is likely to be released to their address after prison and I can't risk the children considering that a safe space.
I would be interested to chat more with you as your situation seems most similar to mine as a large number of posters on this forum are facing family members who have "only" accessed images.