Coping with the guilt
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Hi
I knew about my partner's cp habit for a long time. There hasn't been a knock. He seemed genuinely upset about what he was doing and promised to reform. This was in February 2017. I thought he'd stopped. Then in February of the next year I found out that he hadn't stopped until September. I have been in counseling for years now and had to go on antidepressants and get additional mental health assistance to the point where I was spending a number of days every week seeing a counselor, at the hospital, at the doctors clinic, and on the phone to crisis lines.
He's also made explicit videos of me and our mutual friends without our knowledge (individually, I was in the shower, the other two are a couple who were doing unspecified things in the bathroom together). I haven't told the friends about this, and can't actually talk to them anymore because of the guilt. The videos were made at a party in April 2017 and I found out around February 2018 again.
Because of my constant hope that people are capable of change I can't leave. I'm stupidly hopeful. As a person and a friend he is a good person, if these things hadn't happened we would be fine and looking towards marriage.
I don't know why I'm posting this here. Please don't judge me for not doing anything about this in terms of ratting him out. We are both in counseling and I've told him that if anything like what he's done previously happened then I'm getting him arrested, even though it would result in me being arrested too for indirectly enabling his behavior (by keeping quiet about his illegal activity).
Tasha
I knew about my partner's cp habit for a long time. There hasn't been a knock. He seemed genuinely upset about what he was doing and promised to reform. This was in February 2017. I thought he'd stopped. Then in February of the next year I found out that he hadn't stopped until September. I have been in counseling for years now and had to go on antidepressants and get additional mental health assistance to the point where I was spending a number of days every week seeing a counselor, at the hospital, at the doctors clinic, and on the phone to crisis lines.
He's also made explicit videos of me and our mutual friends without our knowledge (individually, I was in the shower, the other two are a couple who were doing unspecified things in the bathroom together). I haven't told the friends about this, and can't actually talk to them anymore because of the guilt. The videos were made at a party in April 2017 and I found out around February 2018 again.
Because of my constant hope that people are capable of change I can't leave. I'm stupidly hopeful. As a person and a friend he is a good person, if these things hadn't happened we would be fine and looking towards marriage.
I don't know why I'm posting this here. Please don't judge me for not doing anything about this in terms of ratting him out. We are both in counseling and I've told him that if anything like what he's done previously happened then I'm getting him arrested, even though it would result in me being arrested too for indirectly enabling his behavior (by keeping quiet about his illegal activity).
Tasha
Great advice from Poster. Guilt is a terrible, destructive emotion and coping with it on your own is impossible. Please contact the helpline. Like O&U says you are probably mistaken in your belief about your own legal culpability and dealing with such confusing emotions and feelings. Be your own best friend and seek advice and support.