Sad day again
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My son has left primary school. It's also his birthday in two weeks. I'm a teacher and it's the start of the summer holidays. I should be feeling that lovely relaxed feeling of seven weeks of freedom.
Instead I am so sad. I'm looking at photos of past summer holidays when we were a family and it hurts so much.
I feel like the best years of my life are over. My son will grow up and leave home and I will be alone. I will never have more children. I don't even see how I can get a new partner, not when I have to explain why I need to supervise my son's contact with his dad.
Yet, at not quite 11 my son still needs me. We could be enjoying this summer but I am wasting it because I am so sad. I should be making the most of it whilst I can.
I just want to step back in time two years and be waking up on the first day of the summer holidays filled with joy and expectation.
I'm lucky in so many ways, I love my job and have supportive friends and family. But I am walking this path alone and I am so sad.
Instead I am so sad. I'm looking at photos of past summer holidays when we were a family and it hurts so much.
I feel like the best years of my life are over. My son will grow up and leave home and I will be alone. I will never have more children. I don't even see how I can get a new partner, not when I have to explain why I need to supervise my son's contact with his dad.
Yet, at not quite 11 my son still needs me. We could be enjoying this summer but I am wasting it because I am so sad. I should be making the most of it whilst I can.
I just want to step back in time two years and be waking up on the first day of the summer holidays filled with joy and expectation.
I'm lucky in so many ways, I love my job and have supportive friends and family. But I am walking this path alone and I am so sad.
Meep
I so understand your feelings which I share. After three and a half decades with my husband I am alone. My son is married and does not know (yet) what happened 17 months ago. My parents are dead and I have no other family. This is a high price all of us on this forum are paying for the behaviour of those we loved and who were the centre of our worlds.
And yet, this forum and the helpline are the only real support we have. I hate the deception which follows 'the knock'. Friends and neighbours are shocked and puzzled by the breakdown of our relationship. I would like to scream out the real reason but that could put all sorts of unpleasantness into play. Most people assume one of us have had an affair. Will the humiliation never end?
I hope you, Meep, can rebuild your life with your child. We all deserve better. You have a satisfying job and hopefully things will improve, but I understand and share your feelings of loss of a life which can never be regained. We just have to try and build another life, a new chapter.
Love and hugs to everyone out there in this situation.
Izzy
I so understand your feelings which I share. After three and a half decades with my husband I am alone. My son is married and does not know (yet) what happened 17 months ago. My parents are dead and I have no other family. This is a high price all of us on this forum are paying for the behaviour of those we loved and who were the centre of our worlds.
And yet, this forum and the helpline are the only real support we have. I hate the deception which follows 'the knock'. Friends and neighbours are shocked and puzzled by the breakdown of our relationship. I would like to scream out the real reason but that could put all sorts of unpleasantness into play. Most people assume one of us have had an affair. Will the humiliation never end?
I hope you, Meep, can rebuild your life with your child. We all deserve better. You have a satisfying job and hopefully things will improve, but I understand and share your feelings of loss of a life which can never be regained. We just have to try and build another life, a new chapter.
Love and hugs to everyone out there in this situation.
Izzy
Hi Meep,
I know exactly how you feel. I work in a primary school and so did my partner so now we would be looking forward to having the whole summer off as a family except he's gone now. It breaks my heart thinking about this time last year and all the things we were looking forward too and knowing that's all gone and this summer will just be me and my little one. It also breaks my heart knowing we'll never have another family summer ever again. I loved how we had every summer and Christmas together. Hope you start to feel a bit better as the summer goes on and manage to make some nice memories.
I know exactly how you feel. I work in a primary school and so did my partner so now we would be looking forward to having the whole summer off as a family except he's gone now. It breaks my heart thinking about this time last year and all the things we were looking forward too and knowing that's all gone and this summer will just be me and my little one. It also breaks my heart knowing we'll never have another family summer ever again. I loved how we had every summer and Christmas together. Hope you start to feel a bit better as the summer goes on and manage to make some nice memories.
So, half way through the holidays and I'm really sad today. We've been on days out, my son and I, I think because I am trying to be happy and make the most of the summer. It feels like tnis is the last summer of his childhood as he starts secondary in September.
But, I find it so hard seeing other families so carefree. Dads laughing as they push their children on the swings or even parental squabbles over who has the changing bag. Then there is just me and my son. I don't feel like we are a family. Which I know is silly because I'd never say a single parent with one child wasn't a family.
We used to be a normal family. I was so happy.
Tonight my son is asleep in my bed and I can't sleep so I went into his room and tortured myself with his memory box. In it there is a card I sent him and his dad, for no particular reason. I wrote that they were my sun, moon and stars and I would love them for ever. I really thought we would be a family for ever.
And now I just can't see what my future is. I really feel like the years between my son being born and the knock were the happiest of my life and they are over. I've just existed for the last 15 months. I don't think I will ever be happy again. I've had counselling but it can't change the facts.
What I really want, is to tell my husband to come home. That we will work something out. But social services have said this can never happen. Also, we could never have the family life we had.
Sorry to ramble on.
But, I find it so hard seeing other families so carefree. Dads laughing as they push their children on the swings or even parental squabbles over who has the changing bag. Then there is just me and my son. I don't feel like we are a family. Which I know is silly because I'd never say a single parent with one child wasn't a family.
We used to be a normal family. I was so happy.
Tonight my son is asleep in my bed and I can't sleep so I went into his room and tortured myself with his memory box. In it there is a card I sent him and his dad, for no particular reason. I wrote that they were my sun, moon and stars and I would love them for ever. I really thought we would be a family for ever.
And now I just can't see what my future is. I really feel like the years between my son being born and the knock were the happiest of my life and they are over. I've just existed for the last 15 months. I don't think I will ever be happy again. I've had counselling but it can't change the facts.
What I really want, is to tell my husband to come home. That we will work something out. But social services have said this can never happen. Also, we could never have the family life we had.
Sorry to ramble on.
Hi Meep, I recognise that sadness. I Have looked back at your story. We are all here because of the actions of our partners. And when these actions have some massive and immediate impact on the families there is a whole load of emotions. I really do feel as if my husband died on the the day of the knock. But without the outpouring of love and support for him and me that comes with a death. He is still alive, but so far away and I feel like I don't know him. But I am so very sad about the loss of the man I loved. That man would never have done what he is accused of doing.
I get triggered by the smallest things. I was watching a film where a couple were having takeaway croissant and coffee together, a simple act, but one that is lost to me now. I burst into tears, on my own in our house. I envy friends who bicker and fight and complain about the little irritating things. I tell them how lucky they are. The things we take for granted until they are gone.
A positive for you is that you have a wonderful child together. A real gift. I was not so lucky, and feel totally alone. At an age where I should be content and looking forward to a happy retirement.
Life throws rubbish at us all. I guess it's how we chose to deal with it that is important. I try to be busy and sociable. I laugh and I allow myself to cry too. I talk things through with my therapist, that helps to know I'm not going mad and that the emotions are 'normal' in this very unusual situation.
We cannot let this define us. We all have to believe that there is a better life for us in the future, with or without our partners. I am now starting to believe this. In order to live normally I have to.
Please take care and enjoy the rest of your holidays. Enjoy your little boy too. Special times. xxx
I get triggered by the smallest things. I was watching a film where a couple were having takeaway croissant and coffee together, a simple act, but one that is lost to me now. I burst into tears, on my own in our house. I envy friends who bicker and fight and complain about the little irritating things. I tell them how lucky they are. The things we take for granted until they are gone.
A positive for you is that you have a wonderful child together. A real gift. I was not so lucky, and feel totally alone. At an age where I should be content and looking forward to a happy retirement.
Life throws rubbish at us all. I guess it's how we chose to deal with it that is important. I try to be busy and sociable. I laugh and I allow myself to cry too. I talk things through with my therapist, that helps to know I'm not going mad and that the emotions are 'normal' in this very unusual situation.
We cannot let this define us. We all have to believe that there is a better life for us in the future, with or without our partners. I am now starting to believe this. In order to live normally I have to.
Please take care and enjoy the rest of your holidays. Enjoy your little boy too. Special times. xxx
Hi Meep
I am so sorry for your situation and it reminds me of everything i had to go through in the last year. Just like you I was sad all the time. All my maternity leave was ruined. I took my son to baby groups. It always made me sad when other moms used to talk about how their partners are helping them and when dads also came to attend classes and my husband wasn't even allowed to come home due to SS restrictions. I used to control my emotions when i was out and about and then ended up crying at soon as i sat in my car.
I don't know about your story but it is very annoying what SS said to you that you will never be a family again. They said same thing to me a few months after our son was born but we fought for it and made them take us to family court. It was a long and stressful journey but we are back as a family again. Don't lose hope and fight for what you feel is right for you.
I am so sorry for your situation and it reminds me of everything i had to go through in the last year. Just like you I was sad all the time. All my maternity leave was ruined. I took my son to baby groups. It always made me sad when other moms used to talk about how their partners are helping them and when dads also came to attend classes and my husband wasn't even allowed to come home due to SS restrictions. I used to control my emotions when i was out and about and then ended up crying at soon as i sat in my car.
I don't know about your story but it is very annoying what SS said to you that you will never be a family again. They said same thing to me a few months after our son was born but we fought for it and made them take us to family court. It was a long and stressful journey but we are back as a family again. Don't lose hope and fight for what you feel is right for you.
Dear Meep,
So sorry to hear that you feel so sad. Your post rings very true to me too.
We are still very much in the middle of this as my husband is due to be sentenced in early September. I've got two young children and feel so utterly low and sad. We went away at the weekend for a few days and a change of scenery and it was awful. The weather was just dreadful and we could barely leave the car / hotel room. My older son was showing me photos of his friends that are currently abroad with their families and I felt so sad for them both too. This time last year we were having a lovely family holiday and now everything is frankly terrible.
I'm also in a situation where I'm being investigated at work for not disclosing what was happening to my husband and I'm terrified of losing my job. My husband is almost certain to lose his and I have no idea how we will manage if I lose mine too. I feel in a permanent state of anxiety
I'm avoiding friends too as I have no idea who knows and who doesn't.
No words of wisdom from me but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone..
Big hugs xxx
So sorry to hear that you feel so sad. Your post rings very true to me too.
We are still very much in the middle of this as my husband is due to be sentenced in early September. I've got two young children and feel so utterly low and sad. We went away at the weekend for a few days and a change of scenery and it was awful. The weather was just dreadful and we could barely leave the car / hotel room. My older son was showing me photos of his friends that are currently abroad with their families and I felt so sad for them both too. This time last year we were having a lovely family holiday and now everything is frankly terrible.
I'm also in a situation where I'm being investigated at work for not disclosing what was happening to my husband and I'm terrified of losing my job. My husband is almost certain to lose his and I have no idea how we will manage if I lose mine too. I feel in a permanent state of anxiety
I'm avoiding friends too as I have no idea who knows and who doesn't.
No words of wisdom from me but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone..
Big hugs xxx
Thankyou all for your comments.
Social services simply said that, because he is on the SOR that automatically equals no unsupervised contact. My husband "only" got a caution so in just over a year won't be on the register. I've got to be honest, there is a part of me that just thinks wait till then, tell him to come home then and don't contact social services (who have closed the case at the moment because we are following the safety plan). But this feels so dishonest!
BelleBee, I am sorry to hear about your situation with work. I'm lucky in that they were the first people I told simply because we are like a family at work. I work in a school and the staffing has been the same, more or less, for a very long time so we all trust and know each other well.
This is just horrible for all of us isn't it? Take care xx
Social services simply said that, because he is on the SOR that automatically equals no unsupervised contact. My husband "only" got a caution so in just over a year won't be on the register. I've got to be honest, there is a part of me that just thinks wait till then, tell him to come home then and don't contact social services (who have closed the case at the moment because we are following the safety plan). But this feels so dishonest!
BelleBee, I am sorry to hear about your situation with work. I'm lucky in that they were the first people I told simply because we are like a family at work. I work in a school and the staffing has been the same, more or less, for a very long time so we all trust and know each other well.
This is just horrible for all of us isn't it? Take care xx
Hi Meep - What a sad situation to be in. But small mercies. at least you avoided all the humiliation and horror of media attention I am hoping for 'only' a caution for my husbnad of 40 years too, which is what the arresting police officer suggested might happen - but that is very uncommon. I feel so sad for you and your son. Once the SOR has finished - there should be no reason to hide anything as long as there's no SHPO lasting longer (but I don't think that is the case with a caution as there has been no prosecution).
How can the SS say that no unsupervised contact is automatic? The police have deemed your husband low risk or they wouldn't have issued a caution - surely they need to do a risk assessment too? It seems yet again that they have assumed that anybody on the SOR is a risk to children, and that is just not the case. I'm wondering if you can challenge this finding? Some folk on here have done so successfully - whilst working with SS to be proven protective parents. And have ended up living as a family once more, despite SS saying this would never happen.
How can the SS say that no unsupervised contact is automatic? The police have deemed your husband low risk or they wouldn't have issued a caution - surely they need to do a risk assessment too? It seems yet again that they have assumed that anybody on the SOR is a risk to children, and that is just not the case. I'm wondering if you can challenge this finding? Some folk on here have done so successfully - whilst working with SS to be proven protective parents. And have ended up living as a family once more, despite SS saying this would never happen.
Hi Meep
Your story has resonated with me. I've never written on here before but how I wish this forum was around when we had "the knock" in March 2018.
After months of investigations and waiting to hear, my husband was also given a caution and put on the SOR for two years. He also lost his very successful job and I lost my job (as a teacher the school that I worked at was informed and I had to have a meeting with all the senior management team and governors to explain what had happened so didn't feel I could return!). Social services were absolutely awful throughout and continuously said that I should leave him and he should never be allowed unsupervised contact with our three children. He admitted his offence as soon as arrested (communication with an underage girl via a dating site) and was open and honest with SS from day one but they could only see him as a threat and a monster. They refused to acknowledge what a supportive father and partner he had been to me (since we met at age 16). They also did not seem to realise the harm they were causing to my beloved children through their constant visits, judgment and decisions.
Our marriage was under such strain and I didn't know what to do. We moved hundreds of miles away to escape the stigma and, once the CPS decision had come through, we decided to make a go of things. This reignited contact from SS in the new town we had moved to and, unbelievably, a second investigation. This time I was a bit better informed and stronger (it is impossible to be either of those things when you get that first knock and fall to the floor). I had done my research, we were both in therapy and I had made my decision I wanted to stay with him and for him to be a present father to our children. The second investigation was awful (again) - so many interviews and reports but we stayed strong, open and honest and stuck by one another. After 3 months we were signed off and the case closed. It was utter rubbish that he wouldn't have unsupervised contact with the kids. He is not a threat or danger and we have never heard from SS again. But, oh what a trail of destruction and heartbreak they leave in their wake.
I still stand by the decision I made - I hate what he did but love my husband. Before this I didn't even realise men looked at porn! I was in a lovely, blissful, idyllic middle class world. That is all gone - life is tough financially (even tougher with Covid) and the last two years has taken its toll in many ways on our relationship. I often feel v lonely in new house and town and miss my old job, colleagues and friends. However, I am glad I fought for our family unit. How dare a number of twenty something, ill informed, judgemental, rude, condescending and smug social workers ruin my children's lives. I am glad I fought against their sweeping statements and their demands that my children be told what their father had done (after several screaming fits from me this never happened. Thank goodness. Why should they carry this burden unless they had to?).
Anyway, that's so long I doubt anyone will read to the end but I wanted to share it! Meep - I wish you luck with your future. We have all been placed in such a desperate situation through no fault of our own and our lives will never be the same again but there is some solace to know that others are walking and have walked this path and have continued to put one foot in front of the other. Keep on keeping on xxxx
Your story has resonated with me. I've never written on here before but how I wish this forum was around when we had "the knock" in March 2018.
After months of investigations and waiting to hear, my husband was also given a caution and put on the SOR for two years. He also lost his very successful job and I lost my job (as a teacher the school that I worked at was informed and I had to have a meeting with all the senior management team and governors to explain what had happened so didn't feel I could return!). Social services were absolutely awful throughout and continuously said that I should leave him and he should never be allowed unsupervised contact with our three children. He admitted his offence as soon as arrested (communication with an underage girl via a dating site) and was open and honest with SS from day one but they could only see him as a threat and a monster. They refused to acknowledge what a supportive father and partner he had been to me (since we met at age 16). They also did not seem to realise the harm they were causing to my beloved children through their constant visits, judgment and decisions.
Our marriage was under such strain and I didn't know what to do. We moved hundreds of miles away to escape the stigma and, once the CPS decision had come through, we decided to make a go of things. This reignited contact from SS in the new town we had moved to and, unbelievably, a second investigation. This time I was a bit better informed and stronger (it is impossible to be either of those things when you get that first knock and fall to the floor). I had done my research, we were both in therapy and I had made my decision I wanted to stay with him and for him to be a present father to our children. The second investigation was awful (again) - so many interviews and reports but we stayed strong, open and honest and stuck by one another. After 3 months we were signed off and the case closed. It was utter rubbish that he wouldn't have unsupervised contact with the kids. He is not a threat or danger and we have never heard from SS again. But, oh what a trail of destruction and heartbreak they leave in their wake.
I still stand by the decision I made - I hate what he did but love my husband. Before this I didn't even realise men looked at porn! I was in a lovely, blissful, idyllic middle class world. That is all gone - life is tough financially (even tougher with Covid) and the last two years has taken its toll in many ways on our relationship. I often feel v lonely in new house and town and miss my old job, colleagues and friends. However, I am glad I fought for our family unit. How dare a number of twenty something, ill informed, judgemental, rude, condescending and smug social workers ruin my children's lives. I am glad I fought against their sweeping statements and their demands that my children be told what their father had done (after several screaming fits from me this never happened. Thank goodness. Why should they carry this burden unless they had to?).
Anyway, that's so long I doubt anyone will read to the end but I wanted to share it! Meep - I wish you luck with your future. We have all been placed in such a desperate situation through no fault of our own and our lives will never be the same again but there is some solace to know that others are walking and have walked this path and have continued to put one foot in front of the other. Keep on keeping on xxxx