Struggling
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8 weeks ago just as we were moving out of our family home of 40 years we got the knock. We had been living with our daughter and granddaughter since new year. Now my husband is living 150 miles away. I’m living with my daughter and granddaughter and my new home won’t be ready until Christmas. I’m angry and sad at the same time we had just both retired and were moving to provide child care for our daughter as she is a single mum.
I’m now trapped in a situation away from friends and family and am struggling to cope. On the other hand I’m lucky to be here with my beautiful granddaughter. I just find it hard to believe that my soul mate of 45 years could do such a thing.
I’m now trapped in a situation away from friends and family and am struggling to cope. On the other hand I’m lucky to be here with my beautiful granddaughter. I just find it hard to believe that my soul mate of 45 years could do such a thing.
Hi Broken,
Finding out that a loved one has been involved in these kind of offences can be very difficult so I am glad you have found this forum as a place to express your concerns and receive some support. Hopefully other forum users will reply to your post soon.
In the meantime, I would really encourage you to phone our anonymous and confidential Stop It Now! helpline on 0808 1000 900 to discuss your situation further with one of our helpline operators. This will enable us to provide you with the most relevant advice and ongoing support.
I hope that you will be able to call the helpline soon, if possible.
Kind regards,
Lucy
Finding out that a loved one has been involved in these kind of offences can be very difficult so I am glad you have found this forum as a place to express your concerns and receive some support. Hopefully other forum users will reply to your post soon.
In the meantime, I would really encourage you to phone our anonymous and confidential Stop It Now! helpline on 0808 1000 900 to discuss your situation further with one of our helpline operators. This will enable us to provide you with the most relevant advice and ongoing support.
I hope that you will be able to call the helpline soon, if possible.
Kind regards,
Lucy
Hi Broken,
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. I have a similar length marriage. And like you, and everyone else, had a huge shock when I had the knock. Mine was to tell me my husband had been arrested after being caught in a vigilante sting. My life was destroyed in a second, and his too. This was nearly a year ago and I am still in limbo and husband is living many hours drive away. He lost his very good job and is now an outcast. I have only seen him twice, for less than an hour total. It's like he is now a stranger. Unlike you I don't have children as we weren't blessed. I am sure your family are a comfort to you, especially your granddaughter.
Like you, we were making plans for our retirement. I thought life was good. But he was suffering from depression, low self esteem etc. Had a breakdown. And turned to porn as self medication. This became an addiction. I didn't even know this was even a thing.
so sorry you haven't had replies, the forum has changed recently and it's not easy to see new posters unless you spend a lot of time reading all posts. I'm sure some of the others will answer soon. This forum has been a life saver for me, to be able to connect with people who truly understand. Have a read of older posts if you have time. They are full of information and advice. The main advice that I found useful, is not to make any quick decisions. Find out everything you can. My husband is still in Therapy. He has also had a psychological evaluation which confirms he is NOT attracted to children. Yet here we are. What is for sure is that he has a lot to unravel going back to a childhood of emotional neglect and emotional abuse. I don't feel I have a future with him at the moment but I'm not rushing for a divorce. Money is right now, not the comfortable retirement we were looking forward to.
You're not alone. Take care of yourself. x
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. I have a similar length marriage. And like you, and everyone else, had a huge shock when I had the knock. Mine was to tell me my husband had been arrested after being caught in a vigilante sting. My life was destroyed in a second, and his too. This was nearly a year ago and I am still in limbo and husband is living many hours drive away. He lost his very good job and is now an outcast. I have only seen him twice, for less than an hour total. It's like he is now a stranger. Unlike you I don't have children as we weren't blessed. I am sure your family are a comfort to you, especially your granddaughter.
Like you, we were making plans for our retirement. I thought life was good. But he was suffering from depression, low self esteem etc. Had a breakdown. And turned to porn as self medication. This became an addiction. I didn't even know this was even a thing.
so sorry you haven't had replies, the forum has changed recently and it's not easy to see new posters unless you spend a lot of time reading all posts. I'm sure some of the others will answer soon. This forum has been a life saver for me, to be able to connect with people who truly understand. Have a read of older posts if you have time. They are full of information and advice. The main advice that I found useful, is not to make any quick decisions. Find out everything you can. My husband is still in Therapy. He has also had a psychological evaluation which confirms he is NOT attracted to children. Yet here we are. What is for sure is that he has a lot to unravel going back to a childhood of emotional neglect and emotional abuse. I don't feel I have a future with him at the moment but I'm not rushing for a divorce. Money is right now, not the comfortable retirement we were looking forward to.
You're not alone. Take care of yourself. x
Hi Broken
Hope you're doing ok (or as ok as can be expected) I would definitely follow Tabs advice and look in to getting therapy but in the meantime find something that feels therapeutic to do. I took a LOT of my anger out on some unsuspecting bushes in my front garden this year, scrubbed my kitchen to an inch of its life. But it can be anything, going for a long walk with music blaring, treating yourself with some retail therapy.
As selfish as it may sound, do whatever you feel you need to do to look after yourself and we're always here to talk to we all understand to one extent or another what you're going through x
Hope you're doing ok (or as ok as can be expected) I would definitely follow Tabs advice and look in to getting therapy but in the meantime find something that feels therapeutic to do. I took a LOT of my anger out on some unsuspecting bushes in my front garden this year, scrubbed my kitchen to an inch of its life. But it can be anything, going for a long walk with music blaring, treating yourself with some retail therapy.
As selfish as it may sound, do whatever you feel you need to do to look after yourself and we're always here to talk to we all understand to one extent or another what you're going through x
Thank you for your responses I have been in touch with the foundation and found them very helpful am now waiting for a place on the course. At the moment I am doing ok keeping busy and trying not to dwell on the future.
Ah Broken - what a sorry situation we all find ourselves in ay? I have been with my husband for over 40yrs too - and you could have knocked me out cold with the shock of the knock - 8 months ago. The offence was SO out of character, as my husband is otherwise a kind, caring, sensitive and LAW ABIDING man.
Taking it day by day is key. Get the most out of small enjoyments. Take care of yourself. The Helpline is great isn't it? I got myself a 'therapy' puppy during lockdown (been wanting another dog since my last pup died of old age 5yrs ago) - and she has been a joy, making me laugh and keeping me busy.
I'm also seeking to understand this abhorrent behaviour - my husband was arrested for viewing iioc. The Fight the New Drug videos are brilliant. Also 'Your Brain on Porn' - the website AND the book. There are other books out there and I think the LFF has a list of resources. I know a lot more now than I did before the knock, that's for sure.
Wishing you all the best. At least you have your family around you.
Taking it day by day is key. Get the most out of small enjoyments. Take care of yourself. The Helpline is great isn't it? I got myself a 'therapy' puppy during lockdown (been wanting another dog since my last pup died of old age 5yrs ago) - and she has been a joy, making me laugh and keeping me busy.
I'm also seeking to understand this abhorrent behaviour - my husband was arrested for viewing iioc. The Fight the New Drug videos are brilliant. Also 'Your Brain on Porn' - the website AND the book. There are other books out there and I think the LFF has a list of resources. I know a lot more now than I did before the knock, that's for sure.
Wishing you all the best. At least you have your family around you.