Can’t sleep

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

238 posts

Posted Thu December 27, 2018 11:23pmReport post

my head feels like it had a million tabs open at once.



i don’t feel I am angry as I should be yet. I am just feeling a massive sense of loss.



even the little things like going food shopping I am going to have to do by myself.

my ex partner is such an idiot. He has lost all this companionship. I get it’s his fault not mine but it seems so damm unfair. I gave him so much of me and though we had a real connection.

i never thought I would be looking at divorce, we were close we were supposed to grow old together.

7 days ago my life was happy and mundane now it’s all changed.

i al also finding it difficult that the social worker is going to write a report and was asking me all about my sex life and if my husband has fetishes.

I really didn’t deserve this. Like you all we are secondary victims in this.

the consequences of a desision behind a computer screen are huge. But like people have said before once you know you can’t un know.

Sorry for the rambling text so late at night.



i need to break away from my ex partner and it sometimes helis rather than message him.

Edited by moderator Wed February 6, 2019 10:37am

Andrea

Member since
September 2018

117 posts

Posted Fri December 28, 2018 6:07amReport post

Bethlou - almost feels like I could have written your post. We are one year on but the roller coaster continues. Sometimes I am angry, sometimes just so so sad about what my husband has thrown away. Not sure I can say anything to help you but just sending a big hug and lots of love to you. X

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

129 posts

Posted Fri December 28, 2018 9:47amReport post

Hi Bethlou23

I feel the same, I recognise so many of those emotions and I'm 8 months post knock.

We are forgotten victims with no help at all apart from Lucy Faithful and this forum, which are fabulous but not face to face which I would love to be able to meet you all.

Just try and take each day at a time, I ended up taking herbal sleeping tablets for a few nights just to get some sleep which did help

Look after yourself, it does get better although there will always be days when you cope better than others

Xx

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

238 posts

Posted Fri December 28, 2018 12:22pmReport post

Thanks so much, it’s just helping knowing I am not the only one in this pain and confusion.

I am feeling a lot of sadness for what we had and what we lost. The consequence are huge.

i did call the helpline and had a bit of a cry, which did help release some tension. Xx

thanks so much, it’s not fair your all going through the same pain.

its like a bereavement but without a funeral x

i do agree that some days are better than others but then it’s still a huge loss.

love to everyone

Paula

Member since
September 2018

69 posts

Posted Fri December 28, 2018 6:23pmReport post

Also finding it so hard to think what my now ex partner threw away. I arrived at Heathrow this morning, and he was always there to meet me and welcome me home from the States where I was visiting my family. It felt so odd just coming through with no one there. Felt so lonely. Normally I wouldn't be over in the States at Christmas, Id be with him. But this year was a Godsend that I could get a ticket and be there. I still felt sad and lost inside reliving the trauma, but at least I had some happy moments with family around me.

I get angry about the years I invested in this relationship. I thought it was forever. The Knock for me was about six months ago.

Anyway, just to say, I understand, and I'm here.

Paula xx

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

129 posts

Posted Fri December 28, 2018 6:37pmReport post

Paula I hope you had a good break away and managed to forget all of this for some of it.

I can't imagine what it was like at the airport, I find it bad enough walking round the supermarket!!

We've only got new year's eve/day to go then this awful time of year is over

Stay strong xx

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

238 posts

Posted Fri December 28, 2018 7:29pmReport post

Your all so right, not long to go till this time of year is over. Yes the airport is supposed to be where partners pick you up.



its good you were able to take a visit to see your family and get away.



Have people shared the situation with their families. I am still only 8 days in so working out who to trust and it feels so raw.



i haven’t gone food shopping by myself yet, think your right the supermarket will





choke me up.

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

238 posts

Posted Fri December 28, 2018 7:30pmReport post

Sorry about my formatting.

using my old mobile. All the computer are at the police station!

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

129 posts

Posted Fri December 28, 2018 10:34pmReport post

I told my 2 son's very soon, they are 28&31 so not babies and they have been amazing. No one should have to see their mum absolutely broken, bewildered and scared!

I also told a couple of very very close friends in the early days and haven't regretted it, I'm really lucky and have incredible support not only from them but my work too.

It's a difficult thing to know who and who not to tell, I have to say I haven't lost any friends or family over it in fact, they are all very protective of me.

You will work it out and you will also need someone you can talk too as the burden, I think, is to heavy on your own

Much love xx

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

238 posts

Posted Sat December 29, 2018 11:00pmReport post

Tracey,

I Pleased you didn’t regret telling your close friends. I have just come to the realisation. I can’t manage this alone and need to share it with someone other than my mum. I am going to have a serious think tomorrow about who to tell that can actually manage the anxiety it’s creating in me. I love my mum, but feel I am supporting her rather than she is of me.

Bethlou

Paula

Member since
September 2018

69 posts

Posted Sun December 30, 2018 9:00amReport post

Thank you Tracey and Bethlou. God this time of year heightens everything, doesn’t it. Just NYE to go. Bethlou, I chose a small trusted group of friends to tell. They were all shocked, but brilliant. Choose carefully.

Today my ex returns from his holiday abroad where according to friends who still monitor his Facebook account, he has been posting smiling pix saying how great life is. And he has joined a dating website! Forget what I said in the other thread ... I think I now hate him! It’s as though he is in total denial about what he has done. Maybe he won’t be smiling so much when the forensics are complete and the court case looms. God this is hard.

Love to you all xx

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

241 posts

Posted Sun December 30, 2018 9:14pmReport post

Hi Beth Lou

I have lost friends over this even though very few people actually know. Unfortunately of the 2 friends I trusted at the start only 1 stood by me (& has been my rock throughout): the other felt I was totally wrong to allow on going supervised access so as soon as I moved in the summer she basically cut me off.

Since living here I have told a few people. All responded positively towards me but some simply do not understand the fundamental ramifications of the crime so my confiding in them did not create the support network I hoped.

On the whole though telling people is pretty vital in moving forward as it is an unfair burden to carry alone. Just be ready that you may feel let down by some people who don't respond as you imagined, or need them to, however true friends will have a chance to show up for you in a way that will restore your faith in humanity xx

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

238 posts

Posted Thu January 10, 2019 1:54amReport post

It’s three weeks for me tomorrow and I am still not sleeping well at night time. It’s still emotionally exhausting. The doctor told me to concentrate on me and my daughter but that’s harder said than done when I am feel sick at the thought of my partner hurting himself. He has not shared his arrest with anyone but me and my mum. I think I would feel more relaxed if he confided in someone and then I could get grieving this relationship. I can also see his dilemma what is the point of doing therapy if your going to loose your job and get your name in the press. I know this is a long way off but still it dominates my thoughts.

you all are guardian angels. I really have literally no where to turn. Sorry about my volume of messages. I really appreciate everyone’s experiences and knowing I am not the only one who has been through this helps greatly.

Andrea

Member since
September 2018

117 posts

Posted Thu January 10, 2019 5:45amReport post

Hi Bethlou - I understand how you feel. It is so hard to just concentrate on yourself when your head is so full of what ifs. I wonder how long it will be before our thoughts are not dominated by this dreadful situation. I hope your doctor has been some help. Unfortunately mine has not been good and told me there was nothing he could do to help me. It really is a lonely horrible place especially at night when you can’t sleep. Just want to send you love and hugs and hope that you find some restful moments even if sleep is scarce. Xxx

Esther

Member since
September 2018

69 posts

Posted Thu January 10, 2019 12:41pmReport post

Bethlou,

Please look after yourself. You cannot take everyone's burdens on. Believe me, the only way to come through this is to accept that not only were you not responsible for the decisions your ex made, but you are also not responsible for the choices he makes now. If he decides to kill himself, that is his choice - you are not his keeper. If it would give you some peace of mind, you could get him to promise not to do anything that would further upset you and your daughter. Then let him get on with his life.

It is not your role to be his confident either - he needs to turn to other people who are close to him, or if he can't open up to family or friends he needs to seek professional support. However, if he is resistent to the idea of changing or reforming (loss of reputation and job is just his selfish excuse for not facing up to things: he should want to change because his behaviour was wrong, and it has caused so much damage), you might need to break completely from him for at least a while. Please put yourself first, for the sake of your sanity and for your daughter.

Sorry to be firm and bossy! I've been through this, I've come out the other side, and I want you to benefit from my experience. I will warn you about the mistakes I made but also make you aware of the strategies I learned in order to cope. I'm here now, I got through it, and so can you! With much love XX

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

238 posts

Posted Thu January 10, 2019 2:43pmReport post

Hi all,

I have listened to the advice. I do need to look after me and my daughter. It’s up to him what decisions he makes now. Obviously I want him to access support and deal with his trauma but it’s not my journey.



i spoke to my daughters social worker today. I told her it’s to emotionally difficult for me to supervise contact as I keep seeing him and it’s not letting me move on. So she is going to ask if my mum can. Fingers crossed.

that way I can make a break.

i have also told his sister to check in on him, she doesn’t know the reasons we broke up but she can reach out and it’s up to him if he wants to open up to his support network.

its so hard. I loved him. But I can’t see me moving on if I need to keep seeing him. He is so broken by this.



thanks so much ladies xxx

Esther

Member since
September 2018

69 posts

Posted Thu January 10, 2019 4:30pmReport post

You are so brave and strong. I really think you are doing the right things. I hope you feel a bit better after taking some active steps. You will hopefully be feeling slightly more in control. Big hugs xx

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