Family and Friends Forum

Hi R

It's really rubbish to start and for a very long while but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

You will have to dig deeper than your ever have before but you will get through this I promise you.

I'm over 2 years into this, didn't think I'd ever be happy again but you know, I'm nearly off my anti depressants, I've met someone else and my life is good.

Just take it slowly, one day at a time and get yourself as much support as you can. Ring the helpline, speak to your GP, look for counseling of you need it and keep posting on here, no one will judge whatever your decision

Take care xx

Hi R

Sorry you are here, it will still be raw for you at the moment. My partner of 8 years was arrested and remanded in February this year and sentenced to prison in April, he too had been chatting to a underage girl online, and sent a photo of himself, and arranged to meet, there were no illegal images though.

I felt like my world had been crushed you go through every emotion possible.



My parents were my rock and I moved back in with them the night I received the knock I was in shock. I couldn’t face being in that house. I don’t know how I got through the first few days, weeks and even months, but I did and you do.

When my partner was sentenced it was in the local paper and online, i was devastated when people found out. I too feared the worst, luckily neither my house or his parents house was targeted, there were some online threats towards him over the first week or so seen by his brother, someone on here said to me ignore the online keyboard warriors.



I have since moved back home, and am getting used to living alone sometimes it’s hard and I miss him terribly but I get to control the tv remote, and I still talk to the neighbours. I have also started seeing friends again, at first I couldn’t face them, the shame of it, same with mutual friends I would avoid or even hide from them, i still get anxious when i see someone and think do they know, but I’m starting to think who knows now knows and it’s old news. And I've done nothing wrong.



Please call the helpline they were a great comfort to me within the first few weeks, someone you can have a non judgmental talk to, also your doctor might be able to help.

Can I ask why he's on remand? Has he been charged before?

Reason I ask is because when I found out my ex had been charged, he was never remanded

I found out about my ex on Xmas Eve.... To this day in July I still jump at people walking past my house. I have images of my house being spray painted etc. It's bloody awful. I am in the same boat

Hi RLouise



I feel like I was reading my story reading your post. I'm in exactly the same boat as you. I am a nervous wreck if the door bell rings thinking it's the police again. It's horrendous i wouldn't wish it on anyone. The first week of the knock I don't even think I made any food iv lost over a stone in weight with the shock of it. Your partners case seems to be moving very efficiently hopefully he will know the outcome very soon. My partners case was supposed to be decided a few weeks back but they've extended it to Oct. Dragging this torment out its soul destroying. I myself like you don't think I can get over this ever. I don't have any kids and I want them but not under these circumstances. I feel by staying ill face punishment also. I haven't confided in anyone. All my friends have children. Reading on here not everyone's friends are supportive some are brilliant and see this as an illness others just walk away. I am deeply ashamed, Even though this has nothing to do with me. With the media side of things from what I have gathered not always is it in the papers. There are over 500 cases per month of this nature at the moment I don't think every case will be published. I guess its hope for the best it doesn't get there. My mindset is take it day by day. I am a good person this is his problem and situation and I need to look after myself now. The first week of the knock was the worst. I'm 4 weeks in now and I'm feeling a little stronger towards walking away.

Sending you the biggest hug.



Yaz x

Hi Yaz and R



I am also in the same boat as you. Nearly 30 and I'm desperate to start a family but I don't know how I can bring children into these circumstances. I had a misscarriage last year and I know it was because of the stress.

My partner was in a local Sunday paper and they twisted things and printed lies. Now I have to try and tell his truth, without sounding like I am condoning his actions or defending them. But it doesn't matter because people believe what they believe.



Sending hugs x

RLouise



Reading your message just brought me to tears thanks so much I'm here for you too. Anytime. Means so much just anyone replying on here it's lovely to share what's happened with people who understand and are going through the same. I feel like you I'm grieving for the life I thought we were gonna have together and we're not now. He wants us to carry on but I don't see how. I like you don't want to choose between my family and him. I just don't see no other option here. I just worry his mental health will make him do something stupid if I walk away now.

I'm so glad you've got your parents to be with. I have too but I feel like I can only say so much its just mortifying going into the nature of it with them.

My first week after the knock was horrendous I don't know about you I just locked myself indoors I didn't go out I just binged watched stupid TV that was lighthearted, I stopped eating and I broke out in coldsores. Then I thought to myself why am I treating myself like this I'm gonna make myself ill, none of this has anything to do with me Yaz get a grip of yourself. 4 weeks on I'm doing my best at work to keep busy and just through myself into keeping busy so I can sleep at night.

I don't think I can ever forgive him for putting me through this. He was accused of this crime before he met me but I only found out 4 weeks ago when the police turned up.

The police won't tell me nothing. I begged and pleaded and they said he's got to tell you.

Now it's just the wait till Oct but I don't want to get my hopes up because its already been extended due to covid.

I just want this to be over.

Sending the biggest hug x

JenGUS

My heart aches for your loss I'm so sorry you had to go through a miscarriage. It just shows you what this awful nightmare can do to you with the stress of it all.

I'm sad to hear the Sunday papers got wind of the story also. What a horrendous time it's been for you.

I take it you have stayed with your partner?

Today I feel that low I don't want to speak to him ever ever again I'm in the angry stage of how could he put me through this?

Iv never wished time away so much to know the outcome of his mess.



I really hope you have some support

I'm always here if you need to talk.



Yaz x

Hi RLouise



Sounds like out first week since the knock was identicle. Uncanny.

I'm okay just plodding on trying to stay as normal as I can in the workplace. I'm debating whether to take a week off soon and go and get my head together somewhere.

I see, sounds like the police have been nice saying to contact them if needed. My partner hasn't been charged as yet so I don't know what's happening, I only have his side of things what he's told me.

Iv literally met up with him once since the knock. We had a day out together and it was like how it used to be then he went home and then the realisation of what we once had hit me and then I have felt low ever since. Iv really limited my contact ever since. I have waves where I wanna speak to him then waves I don't. I tried to end things 2 weeks after the knock and he emotionally blackmailed me into thinking he may kill himself as he has nothing to live for. I know that's not a reason to stay with someone but I'm staying on his side until at least the charges are made. He's got nobody else. The wait its just horrendous I wish the cps would hurry up and just decide what's what.

My parents are fully aware what's happened and iv asked him to go speak to them and he's hiding from them. He's so ashamed. He says he will when the charges are made. But again his behaviour just makes me want to leave. I'm not happy, I don't think I will be happy after this. I'm angry he never told me of this case when he got with me. He kept it to himself knowing one day the police would come knocking. He told me to change my mindset the other day when I mentioned how traumatic it was when they came. He said think about it in a different way and it won't be as bad. I wanted to punch him in the head saying what other way can I even think about it in a less negative way are you for real? I'm literally just existing right now. It's horrendous isn't it? I really hope your doing okay and your parents are looking after you. I'll check on here a few times a day in case you need to chat



Lots of love



Yaz x

Hi RLouise

How are you doing? I hope your well and iv been rhibng about you too. Biggest hugs xxx

I'm okay. Had a few mishaps last week trying to rush and keep busy. Ended up falling down the stairs and hurting my foot. Think the universe is saying Yaz slow down. I'm not concentrating on things at the min I feel glazed over.

The wait is horrendous. How long is he on remand for? Has he called you to tell you what he's done? I hear what you say about the no contact being easier. Iv had days where I haven't contacted him I haven't had the energy or the words mmto even speak to him. Then I worry he might self harm and for 2 reasons I'm keeping at least communication open. One to try and prevent him self harming and two if he has committed this crime he is punished for it.



Iv decided to book a week off after the week of the charge that way I can avoid everyone and everything and hide away and get my head together with the support of my family.

I hope your case is near the end and you can finally have some clarity.

I like you am terrified of the media and socials finding out if his photograph is put out there. I'm hoping because he has a Daughter of school age they won't but I'm not sure if they will or they won't publish it. On the advise of my mum if it all comes out in the wash I'm going to say that we split up in lockdown as soon as I found out I walked away. We have anyway our relationship was over when I got the knock. But your right if we can get through the first few weeks we can get through anything. I'm so grateful I am not married to him or have his name etc we don't live together so I can completely disconnect from him altogether once this nightmare is over.

I didn't get no info from the police. They arrived in plain clothes and told me they were investigating an online crime. I dug deeper with questions and it was evident he wanted to tell me more but he wasbt able to due to the nature of the crime. I began crying and shaking hysterical and I asked was I in danger and he said no he's not known to us for violence but he needs to be questioned. He then wrote the word OCAIT on a piece of paper and his phone number and that was about it they left. It didn't dawn on me at first whay he wrote then I googled it and my world came crashing down when I saw it. Who is this man iv been in a relationship with let into my life my home. Its just destroyed me completely.

I'll be here for you I check on this page several times a day. We are so similar in this it's untrue. I'm grateful for having you to talk to just wish we didn't have these circumstances to go through but we will come out the other side



Yaz xx

My ex after he was sentenced went in the newspapers and this was during COVID i think it depends on what the case is as to wether the press still attened court they did for his but he was via video link vis prison. The day i saw it in the news made it even worst for me but i feel slightly better that people know what he actually is but it was still hard to deal with. I broke the relationship off as soon as i found out as i cant be assosicted with that and also now way would i be able to have a family with him as he wouldnt be allowed to live under the same roof as us.

Hi Rlouise

Good to hear from you. Hope your okay.

Glad your finding it easier not hearing from him. It must be easier to disconnect. I envy you being able to do so.

In regards to the police they gave me no info whatsoever. No leaflet or information about help for us victims. I was just left with a piece of paper with the initials of his dept and his phone number.

Reading another post a lady was in a violent relationship and asked for a claires law disclosure and the police told her of her boyfriends crimes. He'd been hiding from the police from his first initial arrest and then got with her knowing full well one day the police would knock. This is exactly what's happened to me. He was questioned 4 years ago then lay low avoiding the accusation which in my eyes looks guilty as sin. However he still denies it! I'm shocked the police gave her this info but I have decided to ask for one myself to see if he is telling me the truth or if there is any more skeletons in the closet. It might save me even more heart ache and help me steer to the decision I need to make.

Have you confided in any friends? I haven't been able to as all my friends have kids and it isn't something I feel I can talk about. I feel a deep sense of embarrassment knowing someone that's been accused of something like that.

I hope your right about the reporters bit being allowed in due to covid that would be a Saving grace in all of this but I read the post above saying they were there in her partners case. I guess its luck of the draw on that one aye. You've given me a glimmer of hope so I hope that works out in both our favours.

But your right my mum knows best with her suggestion in what to say to people if it does come out and people who know me know me for who I am.

I had a big cry in work today I was honest with my work friends and said I'm having a few problems and they were so supportive give me a massive hug and I felt better for it.



For now I keep busy. Iv booked that week off. That's my focus. Get through these next few weeks.



Big hugs to you and I hope your feeling less foggy.



Catch you soon



Yaz x

Hi RLouise and JenGus



Just wanted to check in with you both and see your alright been thinking of you



Yaz x