My Story
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I have been lurking in the background of the forum since February and now feel ready to share my story. I hope that it will be therapeutic somehow. You might want to get the popcorn out it's definitely long and rambling enough to warrant it
As a bit of background before I was romantically involved with my husband he was arrested, convicted and sentenced to I think 18 months in prison for IIOC. He was also put on the SOR for life. I wrote to him while he was inside and when he was released continued to be friends with him until something else developed. This was probably almost 15 years ago now.
Being the girlfriend of a convicted sex offender wasn't the easiest at times. The police needed to speak to me to establish I knew exactly what he'd done, then there were the unannounced visits, the being stopped at passport control on the way home from holidays and more recently him being stopped on the way into the country we were visiting. Anyway we ended up getting married and the police visits more or less stopped, he was almost at the stage where he could apply to be removed from the register.
We hit a few issues in our marriage the one and only chance we could have with IVF failed, I had an affair. It all came to a head when he found out about the affair and admitted he had become addicted to porn and had reoffended during our marriage. All physical evidence of the reoffending had been destroyed ages before he admitted it. We were supposed to be having a clean start. It was difficult but I thought we were getting somewhere. He started to see a counsellor to talk through a whole bunch of issues that had probably caused the offending in the first place.
He didn't, however, tell said counselor about his conviction and therefore I don't think she was in any place to really help him. I tried to tell him that he should tell her but he gave a whole bunch of excuses as to why he hadn't told her and given how delicate our marriage was I didn't push it. I do wonder if he'd have just been honest with her whether the next events wouldn't have happened.
To give an example he apparently made new online friends on a cross dressing forum. Now cross dressing obviously isn't the cause of offending, but this was just him trying to get some kind of sexual buzz as "normal" sex wasn't doing anything for him. The counselor said that this was nothing to worry about apparently, and I was over reacting by being concerned about it. If she knew his history maybe she wouldn't have been so dismissive. Or maybe she wasn't actually dismissive at all and he lied to me. Who knows?
The clean start was just BS, in February of this year we got the knock. Just as a side the 2 police officers were lovely. Unmarked car, did their best to hide what they were removing from the house and no cuffs.
It turns out he was reoffending again, apparently as bad as he'd ever been. Through some new chat app I'd never heard of. He'd discovered itoit through his new new online cross dressing friends. The moment he was arrested I made up my mind I'd stay. Despite everything he is a lovely person and I do love him still. He's just ill, very ill as it turns out. I guess I never really understood this, convinced myself that the first arrest was a stupid phase and he'd grown out of it. Totally niave in hindsight.
Anyway we're still waiting for the outcome of the police investigation. He confessed all in the interview and will plead guilty when it goes to court.
I received a call from the police the other week as they couldn't find hubby's number as they wanted to do a welfare check on him. Apparently we should hear something within a month. Glad he gets a welfare check, wonder where mine is?
It's highly likely he'll be sent to prison again. Second offence and I'm assuming that they'll find more than one or two images on his phone. I've recently been promoted at work so I think I'll be ok financially and be able to cover the mortgage and bills etc. I've always been quiet independent so I'm sure I'll survive when he's away. It's always been my way just to get on with things so that's just what I'll have to do.
At first I was really really angry him. He has basically thown everything we have away, we have a nice life, nice house, have nice holidays and like I said before could have shortly removed him from the SOR. Now I'm just sad and disappointed.
He's done the LFF course but I really do feel like he needs much more help. Our sex life is non existent he doesn't seem that bothered by it with me. However because I wash the sheets I know he's sorting himself out. Sorry if that's a bit TMI. Just makes me feel like I'm not good enough, and that nothing has changed (he's definitely not reoffending he doesn't have the means to)
Sorry for the long essay
As a bit of background before I was romantically involved with my husband he was arrested, convicted and sentenced to I think 18 months in prison for IIOC. He was also put on the SOR for life. I wrote to him while he was inside and when he was released continued to be friends with him until something else developed. This was probably almost 15 years ago now.
Being the girlfriend of a convicted sex offender wasn't the easiest at times. The police needed to speak to me to establish I knew exactly what he'd done, then there were the unannounced visits, the being stopped at passport control on the way home from holidays and more recently him being stopped on the way into the country we were visiting. Anyway we ended up getting married and the police visits more or less stopped, he was almost at the stage where he could apply to be removed from the register.
We hit a few issues in our marriage the one and only chance we could have with IVF failed, I had an affair. It all came to a head when he found out about the affair and admitted he had become addicted to porn and had reoffended during our marriage. All physical evidence of the reoffending had been destroyed ages before he admitted it. We were supposed to be having a clean start. It was difficult but I thought we were getting somewhere. He started to see a counsellor to talk through a whole bunch of issues that had probably caused the offending in the first place.
He didn't, however, tell said counselor about his conviction and therefore I don't think she was in any place to really help him. I tried to tell him that he should tell her but he gave a whole bunch of excuses as to why he hadn't told her and given how delicate our marriage was I didn't push it. I do wonder if he'd have just been honest with her whether the next events wouldn't have happened.
To give an example he apparently made new online friends on a cross dressing forum. Now cross dressing obviously isn't the cause of offending, but this was just him trying to get some kind of sexual buzz as "normal" sex wasn't doing anything for him. The counselor said that this was nothing to worry about apparently, and I was over reacting by being concerned about it. If she knew his history maybe she wouldn't have been so dismissive. Or maybe she wasn't actually dismissive at all and he lied to me. Who knows?
The clean start was just BS, in February of this year we got the knock. Just as a side the 2 police officers were lovely. Unmarked car, did their best to hide what they were removing from the house and no cuffs.
It turns out he was reoffending again, apparently as bad as he'd ever been. Through some new chat app I'd never heard of. He'd discovered itoit through his new new online cross dressing friends. The moment he was arrested I made up my mind I'd stay. Despite everything he is a lovely person and I do love him still. He's just ill, very ill as it turns out. I guess I never really understood this, convinced myself that the first arrest was a stupid phase and he'd grown out of it. Totally niave in hindsight.
Anyway we're still waiting for the outcome of the police investigation. He confessed all in the interview and will plead guilty when it goes to court.
I received a call from the police the other week as they couldn't find hubby's number as they wanted to do a welfare check on him. Apparently we should hear something within a month. Glad he gets a welfare check, wonder where mine is?
It's highly likely he'll be sent to prison again. Second offence and I'm assuming that they'll find more than one or two images on his phone. I've recently been promoted at work so I think I'll be ok financially and be able to cover the mortgage and bills etc. I've always been quiet independent so I'm sure I'll survive when he's away. It's always been my way just to get on with things so that's just what I'll have to do.
At first I was really really angry him. He has basically thown everything we have away, we have a nice life, nice house, have nice holidays and like I said before could have shortly removed him from the SOR. Now I'm just sad and disappointed.
He's done the LFF course but I really do feel like he needs much more help. Our sex life is non existent he doesn't seem that bothered by it with me. However because I wash the sheets I know he's sorting himself out. Sorry if that's a bit TMI. Just makes me feel like I'm not good enough, and that nothing has changed (he's definitely not reoffending he doesn't have the means to)
Sorry for the long essay
I'm so sorry to read your story Hollybush. I admire you for seeing the man and not the crime when you got together. It sounds like you are a very strong woman able to cope with life with someone on the register. I am sure you will be a great support to the rest of us here that are in unknown territory.
You wrote "he apparently made new online friends on a cross dressing forum".
This is similar to what my husband has told me. He started just chatting, then became close to someone who said they were female and liked the same things as he did: hobbies, interests. Liked and admired him!!! From what he says he was basically groomed from there and into porn. He was a highly successful businessman, but clearly very mentally unstable doing what he was doing on lline, why talk to strangers??? This person or people, I actually wonder if it was a person at all, engaged with him, picked up his mental state and triggers, then boom! Is it a coincidence that he was trapped by vigilantes? I think they were probably the ones that groomed him from talking about Rugby to sex.
Why is nothing done about the evil people that are taking advantage of vulnerable men and women????? Why just punish the end 'user'. It makes no sense.
Is your husband having more therapy? Mine uses a stopso therapist, so she understands this area. He finds it useful. I too go to a StopSO therapist to help me understand why he is where he is and the affect it is having on me. It's a confusing lonely and upsetting place to be.
take care x
You wrote "he apparently made new online friends on a cross dressing forum".
This is similar to what my husband has told me. He started just chatting, then became close to someone who said they were female and liked the same things as he did: hobbies, interests. Liked and admired him!!! From what he says he was basically groomed from there and into porn. He was a highly successful businessman, but clearly very mentally unstable doing what he was doing on lline, why talk to strangers??? This person or people, I actually wonder if it was a person at all, engaged with him, picked up his mental state and triggers, then boom! Is it a coincidence that he was trapped by vigilantes? I think they were probably the ones that groomed him from talking about Rugby to sex.
Why is nothing done about the evil people that are taking advantage of vulnerable men and women????? Why just punish the end 'user'. It makes no sense.
Is your husband having more therapy? Mine uses a stopso therapist, so she understands this area. He finds it useful. I too go to a StopSO therapist to help me understand why he is where he is and the affect it is having on me. It's a confusing lonely and upsetting place to be.
take care x
Thanks Tabs, I'd not heard of stopso, will definitely check it out and carefully broach the subject with hubby to get him to sign up. Perhaps therapy for me is a good idea. I have told one trusted friend who I called immediately after hubby was arrested to at least be able to share with someone. Theres only so much you can lean on one person though before you become that person who always has a drama.....
Hi hollybush
I am so sorry to read your story. When i started reading it, it sounds alot like my own story but then it changed. I met my husband after he finished his sentence. He commited his offense 14 years old and on a register for life but will be applying to come off register next year. Like you i must admit life with a person on SOR is not easy. He get stopped at airports and get refusal from jobs. But all in all he is a good person now. We have a happy life although our life has been turned upside down by SS because we had a baby together last year and since then we are not living together. SS tried their best to split us up but we are fighting to be a family again.
I am so sorry that your husband reoffended. Did your husband get any treatement program during his previous conviction? I have seen my husband probation document and also have various discussions with my husband about his life at the time of offenses and life after that. He told me that even after getting released from prison he was a same person as he was at the time of his offenses. Prison didn't change his thoughts. He still wanted to go back in his old online community where he committed offense. Prison didn't help him to be a better person. Luckily his probabtion officer was good and she challeged him for his actions and also put him on SOTP course where he get challenged for his sexual fantasies and also learnt coping strategies. He admits that if he haven't been to that course he would end up re-offending but that course changed his life.
You are a very strong person. I hope you both will get all the help.
I am so sorry to read your story. When i started reading it, it sounds alot like my own story but then it changed. I met my husband after he finished his sentence. He commited his offense 14 years old and on a register for life but will be applying to come off register next year. Like you i must admit life with a person on SOR is not easy. He get stopped at airports and get refusal from jobs. But all in all he is a good person now. We have a happy life although our life has been turned upside down by SS because we had a baby together last year and since then we are not living together. SS tried their best to split us up but we are fighting to be a family again.
I am so sorry that your husband reoffended. Did your husband get any treatement program during his previous conviction? I have seen my husband probation document and also have various discussions with my husband about his life at the time of offenses and life after that. He told me that even after getting released from prison he was a same person as he was at the time of his offenses. Prison didn't change his thoughts. He still wanted to go back in his old online community where he committed offense. Prison didn't help him to be a better person. Luckily his probabtion officer was good and she challeged him for his actions and also put him on SOTP course where he get challenged for his sexual fantasies and also learnt coping strategies. He admits that if he haven't been to that course he would end up re-offending but that course changed his life.
You are a very strong person. I hope you both will get all the help.
Hey Hopingforbest.
While he was inside he did ask about treatment but was told his sentence wasn't long enough to warrant it. What an absolute joke huh?
The first time there was any mention of the LFF let alone anything similar was at the end of his interview after his second arrest. At the time he said he could have cried knowing that there was actually help out there for him and nobody had ever mentioned it previously.
What you're going through with SS sounds terrible. I really hope you win your fight x
While he was inside he did ask about treatment but was told his sentence wasn't long enough to warrant it. What an absolute joke huh?
The first time there was any mention of the LFF let alone anything similar was at the end of his interview after his second arrest. At the time he said he could have cried knowing that there was actually help out there for him and nobody had ever mentioned it previously.
What you're going through with SS sounds terrible. I really hope you win your fight x