Has anyone regretted their decision to stay???
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As some of you may have read my story
My Partner was questioned in June (not charged) bailed and the decision has been extended till Oct. Accusation was IIOC approx less than 500 mixed cats on a shared computer which he has denied to me profusely but cannot prove his innocence.
His solicitor told him to plead guilty and estimates a 6 month or less suspended sentence. He's terrified of jail and that's been his advice to go down that route to avoid it. He also has a young daughter to a previous relationship.
Reading everyone's story I'm learning everyday how you strong women have stayed strong and supported your husbands/partners. My question is here have any of you regretted that decision at any point? I read someone's post the other day and it explained when at the airport her husband was always stopped things like that. That's heartbreaking for all involved right? I don't know whether I could cope with that. I think finding work is going to be a problem and the SOR is also a massive thing too has anyone found this has got in the way of living your normal lives?
Since the knock in June my Partner has been staying in his own property (we stayed together throughout lock down) this was at my decision for him to go. I feel somewhat embarrassed if I'm honest like people know already. I know they don't. It's stupid. Iv never had the police at my house before. They came discreetly in own clothes etc and were respectful as I was a mess they could see I was distraught.
We met up a few days ago we spent a full day together we didn't mention the case once it was lovely like for a while I was able to forget about it. He went home. I felt sad because a month ago he would of stayed. My life was a different place a month ago. The day after all I felt was why did I meet up with him I feel so sad now and I wasn't very nice to him on the phone. I'm angry with this whole situation. It's robbed me of what I thought my future was going to be. He mentioned we can see each other again in the same way and I was quick to say when I'm ready don't overwhelm me. He said he was the same person. But is he?
The cps is delayed due to covid and the decision should of been 2 weeks ago but has been pushed back till early Oct. Its so hard waiting. I feel like not just his life is hanging in the balance so is mine. He's had 2 mental assessments. Think I should of been offered one. We as women are just left to get on with it and pick up the pieces. I think it's so wrong.
Sorry for the early morning rambles. I haven't confided in anyone no friends no family just Lucy from the helpline.
I guess I'm just thinking about the future really. I'm one of the lucky ones I can clean break from this. (no kids own house). I'm just guaging how you are feeling now those of you who have come through this the other side. Do you regret it or has your relationship vecome stronger? Have you had children since? Did the ss make it difficult for you? At what lengths are they on the SOR and have they come off it now? Did it make your lives difficult? Did your neighbours find out in the media? This is what scares me most.
Sending everyone a hug that's going through this nightmare and thank you for taking the time to read.
yaz x
My Partner was questioned in June (not charged) bailed and the decision has been extended till Oct. Accusation was IIOC approx less than 500 mixed cats on a shared computer which he has denied to me profusely but cannot prove his innocence.
His solicitor told him to plead guilty and estimates a 6 month or less suspended sentence. He's terrified of jail and that's been his advice to go down that route to avoid it. He also has a young daughter to a previous relationship.
Reading everyone's story I'm learning everyday how you strong women have stayed strong and supported your husbands/partners. My question is here have any of you regretted that decision at any point? I read someone's post the other day and it explained when at the airport her husband was always stopped things like that. That's heartbreaking for all involved right? I don't know whether I could cope with that. I think finding work is going to be a problem and the SOR is also a massive thing too has anyone found this has got in the way of living your normal lives?
Since the knock in June my Partner has been staying in his own property (we stayed together throughout lock down) this was at my decision for him to go. I feel somewhat embarrassed if I'm honest like people know already. I know they don't. It's stupid. Iv never had the police at my house before. They came discreetly in own clothes etc and were respectful as I was a mess they could see I was distraught.
We met up a few days ago we spent a full day together we didn't mention the case once it was lovely like for a while I was able to forget about it. He went home. I felt sad because a month ago he would of stayed. My life was a different place a month ago. The day after all I felt was why did I meet up with him I feel so sad now and I wasn't very nice to him on the phone. I'm angry with this whole situation. It's robbed me of what I thought my future was going to be. He mentioned we can see each other again in the same way and I was quick to say when I'm ready don't overwhelm me. He said he was the same person. But is he?
The cps is delayed due to covid and the decision should of been 2 weeks ago but has been pushed back till early Oct. Its so hard waiting. I feel like not just his life is hanging in the balance so is mine. He's had 2 mental assessments. Think I should of been offered one. We as women are just left to get on with it and pick up the pieces. I think it's so wrong.
Sorry for the early morning rambles. I haven't confided in anyone no friends no family just Lucy from the helpline.
I guess I'm just thinking about the future really. I'm one of the lucky ones I can clean break from this. (no kids own house). I'm just guaging how you are feeling now those of you who have come through this the other side. Do you regret it or has your relationship vecome stronger? Have you had children since? Did the ss make it difficult for you? At what lengths are they on the SOR and have they come off it now? Did it make your lives difficult? Did your neighbours find out in the media? This is what scares me most.
Sending everyone a hug that's going through this nightmare and thank you for taking the time to read.
yaz x
Hi,
I can't really give much advice, but I just want you to know you are not alone. I am contemplating leaving my partner after 3 years of going through this. My friends have turned their back and I'm completely broken.
Sending hugs xx
I can't really give much advice, but I just want you to know you are not alone. I am contemplating leaving my partner after 3 years of going through this. My friends have turned their back and I'm completely broken.
Sending hugs xx
Hi JenGUS
May I ask why you have come to this 3 years on? Have you faced difficulties or is it down to the fact of what's happened and not getting over it? I don't want to get to 3 years down the line like you to want to leave when I could do it now really. Thank you for your honesty.
Yaz x
May I ask why you have come to this 3 years on? Have you faced difficulties or is it down to the fact of what's happened and not getting over it? I don't want to get to 3 years down the line like you to want to leave when I could do it now really. Thank you for your honesty.
Yaz x
Hi
It's early days for you at the moment. I thought initially we could work through this together and it would not destroy our marriage of over 30 years which I valued more than words can say. But months passed and my husband could not or would not discuss what had happened. He said it was too painful and embarassing. Without him being open about his behaviour, I felt tormented. I could not just brush all of these horrendous events under the carpet. They have to be confronted in order for me to cope. In a way I feel as if I have been deceived and betrayed twice. Once with the offences and the second time since the knock and his silence. In the end after about 6 months I asked him to leave the family home. I thought this might change his attitude, but it hasn't. Therefore, I think a divorce is unavoidable.
What I am saying is that the future together very much depends on your partner's attitude and behaviour. Take your time and give him space but for me an open and honest dialogue was my bottom line.
All the best
It's early days for you at the moment. I thought initially we could work through this together and it would not destroy our marriage of over 30 years which I valued more than words can say. But months passed and my husband could not or would not discuss what had happened. He said it was too painful and embarassing. Without him being open about his behaviour, I felt tormented. I could not just brush all of these horrendous events under the carpet. They have to be confronted in order for me to cope. In a way I feel as if I have been deceived and betrayed twice. Once with the offences and the second time since the knock and his silence. In the end after about 6 months I asked him to leave the family home. I thought this might change his attitude, but it hasn't. Therefore, I think a divorce is unavoidable.
What I am saying is that the future together very much depends on your partner's attitude and behaviour. Take your time and give him space but for me an open and honest dialogue was my bottom line.
All the best
Hi izzy
Thank you for your response. 30 years wow I'm only in just over a year can't imagine how you must feel. My partner is exactly the same he shuts me down doesn't want to talk about it and I said the other day if you don't answer my questions when I need them answering then I'll have to walk I'm not prepared to sweep this mess under a carpet. He keeps insisting he's the same person but our relationship isn't the same. I'm just gonna wait out the charge and go from there.
I hope you find some clarity with your decision and happiness will follow and thank you for talking with me.
Yaz x
Thank you for your response. 30 years wow I'm only in just over a year can't imagine how you must feel. My partner is exactly the same he shuts me down doesn't want to talk about it and I said the other day if you don't answer my questions when I need them answering then I'll have to walk I'm not prepared to sweep this mess under a carpet. He keeps insisting he's the same person but our relationship isn't the same. I'm just gonna wait out the charge and go from there.
I hope you find some clarity with your decision and happiness will follow and thank you for talking with me.
Yaz x
Hi Yaz
Unfortunately it has taken 3 years for a conviction due to delays after delays and it has just hit the papers so everyone has just found out. He got 2 years probation.
Deep down I really don't want to leave my partner. He is the loveliest man who made a mistake (before we even met) but I just don't understand how we can have a happy life. I can't move away as my parents rely on me. I really can't see. Struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I really wish there was a local support club for woman like us as everyone else just don't understand and I have found this forum so helpful.
Hope you're coping ok x
Unfortunately it has taken 3 years for a conviction due to delays after delays and it has just hit the papers so everyone has just found out. He got 2 years probation.
Deep down I really don't want to leave my partner. He is the loveliest man who made a mistake (before we even met) but I just don't understand how we can have a happy life. I can't move away as my parents rely on me. I really can't see. Struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I really wish there was a local support club for woman like us as everyone else just don't understand and I have found this forum so helpful.
Hope you're coping ok x
Hi all. Its 3 1/2 years since the knock. It took 2 years to come to court and he is now nearing the end of his probation. He was sentenced to 8 months suspended for 18 month and sign SOR for 10 years. I truly wish there was somewhere we could go to meet up with others going through this. This forum is amazing but its not enough. There should be more help for the families. I have stayed with him..it is working and I am so glad I did. My family are dwindling away.. the people that matter are still behind us and know it should not define him. My heart goes out to all the newbies out there because you feel your life is over.. its so hard but stay strong remember you are not alone it will get better massive massive hugs from me xxx
Hi lilly
I totally agree there needs to be more consideration and help for us partners in this situation it's ludicrous we are just left often to carry this burden on top of jobs, financial worry, being parents, being strong enough to take over the role of both mum and dad and face the worries of charges, friends and family finding out, social services, the public finding out, the reprisiles of vigilantes. The list goes on. My partner has had 2 mental health assessments and where was mine? Nowhere to be seen of course! We don't matter in the eyes of the police! I'm on this emotional roller-coaster too and not by bloody choice! The police offered me nothing no advice other than ask your partner what this is about. The only way you'll find out is asking him or wait till he's charged then it will all come out. It's been absolute hell for me and I speak for all of you here on this forum.
Iv felt every emotion possible in this 4 week nightmare iv been in. Iv read every post possible to try and gauge and understand what this horrific crime is all about. Its been an education.
There definitely needs to be more education in schools. I don't think people realise how dangerous porn is. Internet is so accessible from your phone to a computer its easily within reach if you go looking for it.
There needs to be more support from the police in liaising with partners, this is a traumatic and life changing event when that knock happens. It is frightening when your a law obiding citizen and you've never had the police at your door ever. The embarrassment and shame is crucifying.
Life will never be the same for that couple, that family. Not after that. Families will break up, couples will split and loose their home. Depression can set in from the grieve and stress of the situation. Children won't be able to keep the same relationship they had before they will have to adjust to the new way of life and its just so sad.
There just needs to be more to try and stop the Internet and pornography. If people realised the punishment for that crime won't just be prison it will be the sex offenders register, difficulties finding a job, broken marriage/ relationship, the tarnishing of his name and reputation the impact on the partners mental state. The list goes on.
Sorry iv gone into a state of rambling iv felt really positive today iv spoken to a few people Lilly JenGUS Rlouise and iv just felt like iv been able to talk and let out some of my thoughts sorry if iv gone off on a tangent. It's just been good to converse with all of you today.
Hope everyone has got through their day and just again thank you for reading and to everyone who has taken the time to read and write something it has been helping me
Yaz x
I totally agree there needs to be more consideration and help for us partners in this situation it's ludicrous we are just left often to carry this burden on top of jobs, financial worry, being parents, being strong enough to take over the role of both mum and dad and face the worries of charges, friends and family finding out, social services, the public finding out, the reprisiles of vigilantes. The list goes on. My partner has had 2 mental health assessments and where was mine? Nowhere to be seen of course! We don't matter in the eyes of the police! I'm on this emotional roller-coaster too and not by bloody choice! The police offered me nothing no advice other than ask your partner what this is about. The only way you'll find out is asking him or wait till he's charged then it will all come out. It's been absolute hell for me and I speak for all of you here on this forum.
Iv felt every emotion possible in this 4 week nightmare iv been in. Iv read every post possible to try and gauge and understand what this horrific crime is all about. Its been an education.
There definitely needs to be more education in schools. I don't think people realise how dangerous porn is. Internet is so accessible from your phone to a computer its easily within reach if you go looking for it.
There needs to be more support from the police in liaising with partners, this is a traumatic and life changing event when that knock happens. It is frightening when your a law obiding citizen and you've never had the police at your door ever. The embarrassment and shame is crucifying.
Life will never be the same for that couple, that family. Not after that. Families will break up, couples will split and loose their home. Depression can set in from the grieve and stress of the situation. Children won't be able to keep the same relationship they had before they will have to adjust to the new way of life and its just so sad.
There just needs to be more to try and stop the Internet and pornography. If people realised the punishment for that crime won't just be prison it will be the sex offenders register, difficulties finding a job, broken marriage/ relationship, the tarnishing of his name and reputation the impact on the partners mental state. The list goes on.
Sorry iv gone into a state of rambling iv felt really positive today iv spoken to a few people Lilly JenGUS Rlouise and iv just felt like iv been able to talk and let out some of my thoughts sorry if iv gone off on a tangent. It's just been good to converse with all of you today.
Hope everyone has got through their day and just again thank you for reading and to everyone who has taken the time to read and write something it has been helping me
Yaz x
I've been going through this since may. My partner downloading. He was also charged with fraud and is currently in prison serving fraud sentence. Can't be charged with the other because of covid and negate he is. Initially I was going to try and support him. But I found and felt he was holding back things from me. He keeps saying he's going to talk when hes out and back home. I put the brakes on that. I felt he was trying to control everything on his terms. I've not had answers to my questions and honestly don't think I ever will. The trust I had in him has been destroyed. I've had to face everyone. Not everyone is sympathetic and voice thier opions very openly. I've slowly began to realise all the months of lying and deceit with everything that he still seems to be in some sort of acceptance of responsibility. He knew very well my feelings on the subject as I was sexually abused as a child myself. Hes been told because of his honesty and admission of guilt he will be looking at possibly 6month sor and probation after. I'm totally broken by all of this . I'm starting to feel angry. After 11 years and previously 13 years together we split up for a few years and got back together. I'm basically done. Our kids are grown up want nothing to do with him. Hes had mental health involved and still won't open up to me. Says he can't Express himself. I snapped and said you've never had problems with expressing your interests and knew full well the consequences yet still carried on knowing what it would do to me. I think this will always come between us and so I've made the decision to end the relationship. I'm thankful to all your posts at the early days I took alot of comfort from reading them . Knowing I wasn't alone. Just not the thing you chat about with others at a typical coffee catch up. I've had a blah now I'm off. Its individual choice to support thier partners or not. Its different for us all. Not a desion taken lightly. But without honest open answers there will be no honest open relationship so I'm ending it. I have to think of myself first for once. Like alot of you I was loyal dependable and loving and in love. Its sadly dying day by day week by week. I feel awful and guilty. But I didn't do this he did.
Yazann read your post totally agree with everything you say. I'm there been on the ride from hell. Its absolutely awful. I was left after the initial knock a bewildered blundering wreck with a leaflet. I've had to chase for answers and got nothing just downloading the worst categories. I'm literally broken by it all. So I've made the decision to end my relationship as he isn't given me answers. I think I st least deserve that. I'm out here facing everyone we know. Hes in prision on fraud charges to be followed by CP . Can't charge him yet because of covid and being in prison. I strongly feel something should be done for the families of these people. We're all being indirectly or not punished for thier crime. Yet it's so available on the internet. I truely think porn is the start of the rabbit hole that takes them into other things. I also know it's bad but looking doesn't mean intent to act.
Hi rana
Iv just read your story. Massive hugs xx
Sounds so similar to my story. My partner is so cagey when I ask something and I feel like something isn't stacking up. I feel like I'm being lied to and I really admire your strength to walk away. I'm going to speak to my parents at the weekend because I'm in this limbo and not by choice waiting to see what he's charged with. I want to walk away too. Iv had enough of all this upset. I feel so drained today and one of my colleagues asked me in work what's up. Iv confided in her before with trivial stuff, but I said to her I don't think I can put this one on you it's heavy. Just know I'm going through a bad time and maybe one day I will tell you. I managed to make it till the end of my shift I don't know how. I keep thinking it's another day closer to the end. But I don't know when that is and that's the hardest part x
Iv just read your story. Massive hugs xx
Sounds so similar to my story. My partner is so cagey when I ask something and I feel like something isn't stacking up. I feel like I'm being lied to and I really admire your strength to walk away. I'm going to speak to my parents at the weekend because I'm in this limbo and not by choice waiting to see what he's charged with. I want to walk away too. Iv had enough of all this upset. I feel so drained today and one of my colleagues asked me in work what's up. Iv confided in her before with trivial stuff, but I said to her I don't think I can put this one on you it's heavy. Just know I'm going through a bad time and maybe one day I will tell you. I managed to make it till the end of my shift I don't know how. I keep thinking it's another day closer to the end. But I don't know when that is and that's the hardest part x