Arrested Abroad
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Hi,
This is the first time I've felt like using this forum. My nightmare began in July 2019 and has been horrific in that I found out what my partner of 5 years had been up to on arrival to our family holiday in America.
My partner was arrested on arrival at the airport for possession of child pornography and subscribing to a site that provided him with access to this. He is now serving 3 and a half years in a USA prison. I have not seen him since that night and was not allowed to say goodbye or talk to him to get any form of answers.
I stayed in contact for 5 months and discontinued that when I found out he'd subjected my daughter to 3 years of abuse. I have not spoken to him since although I struggle with that. If only you could switch off your feelings easily but you can't. Everyone tells you it will all get better with time but I'm not feeling that yet. I'm determined to keep going but the anniversary was tough to get through.
I just wondered if anyone else has gone through this in the same way as me. The police I have spoken to seem to think it is quite rare and the way it happened was traumatic. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I was counting down the days to our holiday but in reality we were counting down the days until he was gone from my life.
Thanks
This is the first time I've felt like using this forum. My nightmare began in July 2019 and has been horrific in that I found out what my partner of 5 years had been up to on arrival to our family holiday in America.
My partner was arrested on arrival at the airport for possession of child pornography and subscribing to a site that provided him with access to this. He is now serving 3 and a half years in a USA prison. I have not seen him since that night and was not allowed to say goodbye or talk to him to get any form of answers.
I stayed in contact for 5 months and discontinued that when I found out he'd subjected my daughter to 3 years of abuse. I have not spoken to him since although I struggle with that. If only you could switch off your feelings easily but you can't. Everyone tells you it will all get better with time but I'm not feeling that yet. I'm determined to keep going but the anniversary was tough to get through.
I just wondered if anyone else has gone through this in the same way as me. The police I have spoken to seem to think it is quite rare and the way it happened was traumatic. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I was counting down the days to our holiday but in reality we were counting down the days until he was gone from my life.
Thanks
Sending you a big virtual hug, this must have been absolutely terrifying for you having just arrived in a foreign country. I really don't know anything that I can say that could make you feel any better about the situation you're in but just wanted to say Welcome and that hopefully someone with more insight into something similar will come along soon with words of advise x
Thanks it helps I think just knowing there are so many people going through this even if we do all have different versions of the same story to tell. Virtual hugs back x
My situation is slightly different, but I couldn’t not respond after reading your post. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. How deeply traumatic to find out like that. Have you had any form of counselling? I’m having some through StopSO and it helps a bit to talk to someone experienced.
My ex got the knock last feb. I was 5 months pregnant, in love , blissfully unaware of what he had been doing and looking forward to our future together. He came to where I was with my 7 yr old son and said he had something to tell me. My world fell apart then. I remember sitting in his car and hearing the words ‘indecent image of a child, I’m so sorry, I’m not a paedophile’ they didn’t make sense but I heard them. I walked home with my son and tried to act like nothing had happened , totally shell
That was the last time I saw him. Although we have spoken on the phone. He hasn’t seen his 6 week old daughter yet ( I won’t alliw it until I know exactly what he has done)and he will not be seeing my son again.
Life’s like a nightmare most of the time if I’m honest, but like you say I won’t give up- how can I?
I wish I could stop loving him too, he’s destroyed my life. I’m trying to build a new one but I just feel dead inside.
You can’t just turn your feelings off, they don’t work like that ( despite what well meaning family and friends may tell us)
sending you virtual hugs, I wish there was something I could say to help you.
Stay strong. Xx
My ex got the knock last feb. I was 5 months pregnant, in love , blissfully unaware of what he had been doing and looking forward to our future together. He came to where I was with my 7 yr old son and said he had something to tell me. My world fell apart then. I remember sitting in his car and hearing the words ‘indecent image of a child, I’m so sorry, I’m not a paedophile’ they didn’t make sense but I heard them. I walked home with my son and tried to act like nothing had happened , totally shell
That was the last time I saw him. Although we have spoken on the phone. He hasn’t seen his 6 week old daughter yet ( I won’t alliw it until I know exactly what he has done)and he will not be seeing my son again.
Life’s like a nightmare most of the time if I’m honest, but like you say I won’t give up- how can I?
I wish I could stop loving him too, he’s destroyed my life. I’m trying to build a new one but I just feel dead inside.
You can’t just turn your feelings off, they don’t work like that ( despite what well meaning family and friends may tell us)
sending you virtual hugs, I wish there was something I could say to help you.
Stay strong. Xx
Thank you for your kind message. You poor thing too going through it with a baby on the way and now as a newborn. We will both stay strong coz like you say we have no choice. I think it helps you keep going having your children with you. You discover you can do things you never thought you'd be able to for them.
We are the innocent ones in all this even though I have to admit you feel like you're being punished just as much by the pain in yourself.
I have had some nhs counselling but in the end felt I didn't agree with everything they said. They said things like I was a target and he was only with me to get to my children and that my daughter wouldn't trust me. I didn't believe either statements. I think that unless you are directly affected by this you don't understand how clever they are at keeping that side hidden. He was a kind and loving man who couldn't do enough for us which makes it that much harder to deal with. But you do find that strength from somewhere and you do keep going.
I'm now in the process of finally selling my house and moving soon. It was another thing I had no choice in because my ex partner was immediately sacked as there was no way he could work from a prison in the USA so I lost his financial support too and couldn't afford the mortgage. I'm taking this move as a step forward now to the start of a new beginning for the children and I. I think its just small steps to get through everything.
If only offenders realised before they started doing what they did the trail of devastation and loss that their crime causes for all the innocent ones left behind to pick up the pieces.
Keep staying strong too we will both get through this and take care of yourself along the way. You can kind of forget about you with all this as you spend too much time thinking about everyone else
Big virtual hugs to you and keep strong xx
We are the innocent ones in all this even though I have to admit you feel like you're being punished just as much by the pain in yourself.
I have had some nhs counselling but in the end felt I didn't agree with everything they said. They said things like I was a target and he was only with me to get to my children and that my daughter wouldn't trust me. I didn't believe either statements. I think that unless you are directly affected by this you don't understand how clever they are at keeping that side hidden. He was a kind and loving man who couldn't do enough for us which makes it that much harder to deal with. But you do find that strength from somewhere and you do keep going.
I'm now in the process of finally selling my house and moving soon. It was another thing I had no choice in because my ex partner was immediately sacked as there was no way he could work from a prison in the USA so I lost his financial support too and couldn't afford the mortgage. I'm taking this move as a step forward now to the start of a new beginning for the children and I. I think its just small steps to get through everything.
If only offenders realised before they started doing what they did the trail of devastation and loss that their crime causes for all the innocent ones left behind to pick up the pieces.
Keep staying strong too we will both get through this and take care of yourself along the way. You can kind of forget about you with all this as you spend too much time thinking about everyone else
Big virtual hugs to you and keep strong xx
I don’t think many counsellors have much experience in this area. Telling you you were a target, your daughter won’t trust you! That’s will make you feel worse. Like you say, unless you’ve been through it you cannot understand. My counsellor tells me there’s no way I could’ve known what my ex was up to, they hide it and even deny it to themselves.
We are definitely victims in all of this but are being punished for what they did. It’s a surreal kind of grief isn’t it. My ex was so kind and thoughtful to us, I’ve never loved anyone like I loved him. I miss the life I thought I had, the future I thought we would have as a family and I miss him every day.
We’ll get through one day at a time though. I’m surprised at how I’ve coped with all of this, I don’t think anything will faze me ever again! Amazing what we can deal with when we have to.
Xx
We are definitely victims in all of this but are being punished for what they did. It’s a surreal kind of grief isn’t it. My ex was so kind and thoughtful to us, I’ve never loved anyone like I loved him. I miss the life I thought I had, the future I thought we would have as a family and I miss him every day.
We’ll get through one day at a time though. I’m surprised at how I’ve coped with all of this, I don’t think anything will faze me ever again! Amazing what we can deal with when we have to.
Xx