How could he do this to me
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Hi know this forum is mainly for people whos partners etc have been done for none contact offences however its been nearly 9 weeks since i discovered what my bf had done. I only found out due to asking for a claires law during lockdown which he knew i was getting, yet still told me there was nothing on his record. What also im really strugggling to deal with is the fact he knew all this when we met at the end of august last year. He knew he had already been arrested after i found out he was missing for 2 and half years for which the police were trying to find him. It appeared like he thought he could run away from it all. He also never showed up to court to appear for the charges in july last year so just after i met him they found him which looking back at messages now there was a day for over 24 hours he was "missing" for and when he eventually got his phone back he told me that "sorry my mate died " the lies are really what gets me. How could he keep all this from me and also why was he on a dating sites when he knew what he had been arrested for. In dec he told the women who deal with him off the register that he was single and hadnt been on any dating sites. We were very much together in decemeber. I mean did he even love me to lie about that to the police? I only got the clares law as he was voilent with me during lockdown and i wanted to know before i got any deeper if he had a record, i however didnt expect it to be this bad. The shock ive felt has been something else. Im just not sure how to deal with it all. Even now i miss him and i dont miss him. He was convicted in dec last year all his messages to me when he was in court all said he was going in to meetings at work, but i also found out he got sacked from his job in dec probably due to the fact he didnt discolose the case. Literally the whole realationship on his part was a lie and that i cannot deal with or what he has done. He told me i was his soul mate and he wanted to marry me all of this was clearly lies. I feel like hes died, i probably wont ever see him again expect for if my case goes to court due to what he did to me and that will be enough. Hes a compulsive liar and i was the one who truly loved him and ive been left sturggling to cope. Some days are better than others but even now i cant believe this has happend to me. If i hadnt of found out i think he was just going to disappear and never tell me and ive had found out when i would have reported him missing.
Sorry for the long message just really struggling and its taken me a while to be actually able to type this out.
Sorry for the long message just really struggling and its taken me a while to be actually able to type this out.
Ahh sorry it was a contact offence with a minor he got 4 years and 9 months with a year extended on license im guessing he will only do half of that though. He was sentenced well it was meant to be the end of june but he didnt turn up to the sentencing and went on the run so it was the middle of july he got senteced. They remanded him when they found him for not turning up to court.
First I am so sorry you have joined us. So I am a little confused, he has been sentenced to 4 year and one year on licence for a contact offence but has been on the run for 2 1/2 years before he met you? But has now on prison. Sorry to ask, like I said I am a little confused. I would suggest you phone LFF they are good and will be able to advise you. Good Luck xx
No he was on the run for 2 and half year previously which is why it took so long for the whole thing to go to court approx 4 years in total as they couldnt locate him seems hes good at "hidding". Which makes him even more guilty if you ask me to ignore court letters etc also. He was sentenced to in july 4 years and 9 months plus a year extended on license. Maybe i just dont feel like i have the strenght right now to call them. Thanks x
Sorry to read your story its sounds like you've been to hell and back. I agree with the others if you can get out you should. A relationship shouldn't be based on violence. I hope your in a safe place.
May I ask you a question? When you requested your Claires law information is that when this charge flagged up? Was you unaware before hand? Reason I ask is my ex done the same and hid from the police for a couple of years and I only found out because the police came looking for him and told me a brief outline of what they were looking for him for. But now I'm wondering should I request a Claires law and see if there is any more I need to know.
I hope your okay
Yaz x
May I ask you a question? When you requested your Claires law information is that when this charge flagged up? Was you unaware before hand? Reason I ask is my ex done the same and hid from the police for a couple of years and I only found out because the police came looking for him and told me a brief outline of what they were looking for him for. But now I'm wondering should I request a Claires law and see if there is any more I need to know.
I hope your okay
Yaz x
Im out of it i ended it when i found out but im stikll struggling with it as i did love him. He clealry had other ideas. Yes thats when this was flagged up thats when i found out when two police officers came to see me and tell me. Didnt have a clue before, he knew when he met me though i dont get how someone can keep that im pretty sure he knew he was going to go to prison for it. I am in a safe place i have my own house. You could ask for a disclosure anyone can ask for one even its about an ex partner. A friend can ask too if there worried about someone but they usually come and tell you rather than them etc x
Thank you so much for responding and I'm so glad your safe and out of it. Its left all of us on a roller-coaster of emotions even though its over your left wondering so many things aren't you?
I'm so glad the police gave you this information. That has made my mind up I'm going to request this also as I feel I'm not getting the full truth out of him.
Can't thank you enough for that info as you may have saved me some more heartbreak
I hope your okay and getting through this horrendous time.
Yaz x
I'm so glad the police gave you this information. That has made my mind up I'm going to request this also as I feel I'm not getting the full truth out of him.
Can't thank you enough for that info as you may have saved me some more heartbreak
I hope your okay and getting through this horrendous time.
Yaz x
Yes they should do for you too it can somtimes take a while but only took them 4 days to tell me due to the seriousness of it all. It can help specially if you dont know wether to get out or not. From what ive read am i right in thinking your still with your partner? Sadly sometimes people never tell the truth despite telling us they have thats why claires law is good really. Im really struggling i thought i was doing better but dont seem to be.
Hi emotionallydrained
How are you?
At the moment we are just on speaking terms. We have met up a couple of times since the knock. The relationship in my eyes ended the day the police knocked. He's threatened suicide as he's got nothing to live for without me. Whilst this is not a reason to stay with someone a) if he's guilty I want him punished for the crime against innocent children and b) even though he may or may not have done something wrong I wouldn't like any harm to come to him.
He's hopeful we can get through all of this and still be in a relationship! I think he's on another r planet to be honest. He's told me countless lies and I don't trust him.
I feel I deserve to Know the truth once and for all and that way it can help me make my mind up. He like your partner was approached 4 years ago by the police never arrested just questioned then afterwards he lay low thinking all of this would go away.he was classed as a missing person believe it or not! The police couldn't find him anywhere. He was very clever. He knew the day would come the police would find him yet he still got into a relationship and brought me into his mess. I'd of respected him more if he had of been straight up from the beginning and told me instead of putting us through this horrendous shit storm.
So I'm going to approach the police station and ask them for some clarity on the situation. I didn't get any leaflet or support from the visiting detectives just the bombshell of the horror I was about to face. I deserve to know the truth.
Thank you once again for helping me to understand what I can now do. I really hope your okay and sending you the biggest hug.
Yaz x
How are you?
At the moment we are just on speaking terms. We have met up a couple of times since the knock. The relationship in my eyes ended the day the police knocked. He's threatened suicide as he's got nothing to live for without me. Whilst this is not a reason to stay with someone a) if he's guilty I want him punished for the crime against innocent children and b) even though he may or may not have done something wrong I wouldn't like any harm to come to him.
He's hopeful we can get through all of this and still be in a relationship! I think he's on another r planet to be honest. He's told me countless lies and I don't trust him.
I feel I deserve to Know the truth once and for all and that way it can help me make my mind up. He like your partner was approached 4 years ago by the police never arrested just questioned then afterwards he lay low thinking all of this would go away.he was classed as a missing person believe it or not! The police couldn't find him anywhere. He was very clever. He knew the day would come the police would find him yet he still got into a relationship and brought me into his mess. I'd of respected him more if he had of been straight up from the beginning and told me instead of putting us through this horrendous shit storm.
So I'm going to approach the police station and ask them for some clarity on the situation. I didn't get any leaflet or support from the visiting detectives just the bombshell of the horror I was about to face. I deserve to know the truth.
Thank you once again for helping me to understand what I can now do. I really hope your okay and sending you the biggest hug.
Yaz x
Hi Lee1969
I contacted the police and the clare's law application has been filed. I feel like iv gotten a little bit of control back of the situation and hopefully some knowledge that may help me moving forward. Thank you for posting about that. And thank you emtionally drained for talking about how you went through this route and your experience too. I was offered no information or support when this came into light, and I can honestly say, talking to you ladies has helped me beyond belief. It's been an education. Thank you for being brave and telling your stories its amazing and so resourceful especially when you are told absolutely nothing. This feels like I may get some answers iv been praying for for months.
Yaz x
I contacted the police and the clare's law application has been filed. I feel like iv gotten a little bit of control back of the situation and hopefully some knowledge that may help me moving forward. Thank you for posting about that. And thank you emtionally drained for talking about how you went through this route and your experience too. I was offered no information or support when this came into light, and I can honestly say, talking to you ladies has helped me beyond belief. It's been an education. Thank you for being brave and telling your stories its amazing and so resourceful especially when you are told absolutely nothing. This feels like I may get some answers iv been praying for for months.
Yaz x
Hi im okay sorry ive not really been on been having a bit of a time i started getting harrasment calls of a very explicit nature for a no caller Id last weekend ive reported it all to the police its happened twice but im pretty sure these calls are coming from my ex inside as i have my own case going on right now against him due to domestic voilence etc. Also its a bit strange it suddently startd happening once his bail condtions for the fact he was told to not contact me sudddnely ended. I know there not meant to have mobiles in prison but the 110% do as fact. So now i have police trying to look in to that too its very distressing. i never know if its the police calling me, hospital or that peson with the sexual content its digusitng .Ahh Its hard to be with someone when they have betrayed you so much. If my ex hadnt of been voilent towards me and it was just this i would have still ended it with him. As his is a contact offence and i want a family one day and dont want to be associated with that. Just be careful with the threat of him taking his own life my ex tried this with me he never did, it was jut a way of him to try and make me feel sorry for him. I guess you know him better though and what you ultimatley decide is your choice. My ex also used to lie everything he said was lies. I really dont like people who lie its like just be honest or why bother. Yes my ex also was callsed as a missing person as they couldnt locate him for 2 and a a half years. Which boggles my mind to be honest as he was still in the same city. I feel exactly the same as you my ex already knew about the mess too but still continued to get with me and i think that hurts even more. I agree me tooAre you not in touch with victim support? They have helped me a fair bit.Also my ex did have pending investigations going on but they still told me about everything in the disclosure etc. So have they said they will be in touch with you? xx
Hi emotionally drained
I'm so sorry to hear your getting these disgusting phone calls this is absolutely awful for you what a vile creature for adding this ontop of everything else your going through biggest hug to you xxx
Last week I filed my clare's law and yesterday an officer phoned me to tell me she could disclose there is no history of anything else to tell me which in one sense is really good but as the investigation is still ongoing she couldn't tell me anything else.
She told me I can apply for a Sarah's law after the charges if any are made to find out what risk is involved in continuing a relationship as I am wanting children soon.
Whilst I find that a little relieving there is nothing else to know about his past etc I'm still devastated and can't get over he hid away like your ex in his home city thinking this would just disappear. The police officer told me they would of never stopped looking for him. Where I think he thought he'd got away with it.
It's a matter of weeks till the decision is made and I totally hear what you say about the suicide threat, the police lady said the same to me they can use it as an emotional crutch to hold on to you. But iv decided that I can't have children with someone who is on the sor, the implications will hinder my life and why should I live in fear? Or with travel restrictions etc. These next few weeks will be tough because I know in my heart my relationship status is finalised in the next few weeks and I'll never speak to him again. I wouldn't wish suicide on anyone. Iv made it clear to the police he's talking in this way so they are aware.
I really hope you've got some support in your life with all this going on. Have the police been able to trace anything? Sending you lots of love and keep in touch.
Yaz x
I'm so sorry to hear your getting these disgusting phone calls this is absolutely awful for you what a vile creature for adding this ontop of everything else your going through biggest hug to you xxx
Last week I filed my clare's law and yesterday an officer phoned me to tell me she could disclose there is no history of anything else to tell me which in one sense is really good but as the investigation is still ongoing she couldn't tell me anything else.
She told me I can apply for a Sarah's law after the charges if any are made to find out what risk is involved in continuing a relationship as I am wanting children soon.
Whilst I find that a little relieving there is nothing else to know about his past etc I'm still devastated and can't get over he hid away like your ex in his home city thinking this would just disappear. The police officer told me they would of never stopped looking for him. Where I think he thought he'd got away with it.
It's a matter of weeks till the decision is made and I totally hear what you say about the suicide threat, the police lady said the same to me they can use it as an emotional crutch to hold on to you. But iv decided that I can't have children with someone who is on the sor, the implications will hinder my life and why should I live in fear? Or with travel restrictions etc. These next few weeks will be tough because I know in my heart my relationship status is finalised in the next few weeks and I'll never speak to him again. I wouldn't wish suicide on anyone. Iv made it clear to the police he's talking in this way so they are aware.
I really hope you've got some support in your life with all this going on. Have the police been able to trace anything? Sending you lots of love and keep in touch.
Yaz x
I haven't been in touch with victim support no, but I'll look into it thank you. As for the clare's law she really wouldn't tell me anything else. I told her what story he's given me but she wasn't able to disclose anything more. I could tell she wanted to but wasn't allowed. Iv been given her direct number when this is all over and she said she might be able to do more for me then as she can out it down to a safeguarding issue because there are children in my family so I'll have a right to know x
My husband was arrested for downloading child porn . The police visited my house one morning early .they took him away for questioning and searched my house . I have a very young granddaughter so I couldn't have him back home not that I want him home . I'm struggling and there doesn't seem to be any support for people like me .please help
Hi Keily56,
Please phone the helpline, they can give you some support, so sorry you are going through this. X
Please phone the helpline, they can give you some support, so sorry you are going through this. X
Sorry totally went off the radar was trying to heal ive moved on now met someone new. But my ex has still tried to cause me problems from prison so have had the police invloved serval times. Im due to start trauma therapy in the next few months. So that should help, I do still struggle massivley and the slightest thing can trigger me. It worries me him still trying to cause me issues from prison what will he be like when hes out.But i can only cross that bridge next year when the time comes.
Emotionallydrained I know how you feel I've had it very similar my ex, he's even gone to the lengths of saying I'm crazy! The manipulation and lies have been awful and he's still at and doesn't appear to be stopping despite being under investigation still. Have you done The Freedom Programne for DV victims if you haven't I would strongly recommend it. It really helps it won't take away all your feeling but it will help you to move forward and understand his behaviour more.
No not yet im on a waiting list to do it. So hppefully wont be too long. Its crazy isnt it the police havnt helped much as hes already in prison they reckon it cant be him but i do know hes been watched more closely and since funny ive had nothing. So i defo wasnt going mad he needs to get a grip and leave me alone. I just worry for next year when hes potentially let out
Emotionallydrained you could contact the prison he is in if you know it and ask them to do a sweep of his cell and check his contacts on his phone card to ensure he is not harassing you.
Emotionally drained how are you getting on?