Family and Friends Forum

Post deleted by user

Hi zjrc

Sorry you've found yourself here. These next few weeks won't be easy. You will feel every emotion possible. Best advice! Take it day by day and call the helpline, they are great listeners and advisors to this horrendous process.

I'm almost 3 months since the knock. Whilst it hasn't gone away it has got a little easier. Take care x x x

Hi user user

What you wrote there could be me right now. I'm that person, non dependant on him, own house, no kids and your right why should I carry the burden of his choices? Everything you have said is spot on. I take it your in a similar situation no dependant? Xx

Useruser

At last someone saying it as it is, absolutely this disgusting crime is unforgivable! Mine and my daughter's life has been destroyed by the selfish thing my ex husband had done. It's been three years since the knock for me and I can't see I will ever have a normal life, I can't ever see me being with another man, i can not trust anyone, I thought my husband was the best thing that ever happened to me, he pulled the wool right over my eyes. My daughter suffers with panic attacks, she has to sleep with me because she's so scared all the time, she's been having therapy for a year now. He's taken her childhood. My personal opinion only, but I can't understand why anyone would want to stay with someone who could hurt people they "love" so horrifically.

Hi all I have stayed. I have been married to this man for 30 years. He had images on the comp.. he had not downloaded or talked to anyone but there were disgusting pics on his PC. I got the knock over 3 years ago. And yes it does still have a massive effect on my life. He has finished his suspended sentence now but is still on the register for another 8 years. Some of my family have disowned us. But I genuinely think if they care about me they would accept my decision. Obviously considering and adhering to all legal and moral obligations. I struggle mostly with people's view of me. I have done nothing wrong only love someone enough to forgive.. just never forget.. Lily xx sending massive hugs to all in this horrendous club xxx

I feel the same as user user really.

My ex was arrested 7 months ago when I was 5 months pregnant. It wasn’t ‘just’ a few images on his PC, he was more involved than that and says he was seeking a ‘sexual thrill’

yes I think it’s a porn addiction, but that doesn’t change any of the hellish consequences for me or my daughter.

These men destroy lives. If you have the chance to start again then maybe that’s the best option. I could never trust my ex again after what Ive found out. I can’t live like that.

Move had counselling from a stop so therapist and it has helped me to process what has happened and feel stronger.

It gets easier in time, but it does feel like hell for a while. X

Sorry you have found yourself in the group no ones wants to be in. Hugs xx

Don't do anything apart from breath and look after you. It will get easer but it's a long path. I have stayed because of the love I have for my husband and my children have left home. Many woman stay with children also. It has to be your choice no one else's. My hb has been honest from the knock and is getting help. (LFF, have been great) Communication is the key to making decisions and you need time to get yourself together. You may stay, you may go but today and the next few weeks are about you and your children if you have any. Phone the help line, read up on this crime. If you stay or go it will have some sort off effect on your life. So breath, have a glass of wine, what ever gets you through but try and talk. XxxHugs

Post deleted by user

Hi everyone,

I don't post often but do sometimes read this forum. My (now ex)-partner was arrested for images about 18 months ago. I'm really glad I'm not the only one who feels so strongly that this is an absolutely disgusting crime and that these men must be held to account and not expect others to carry the can. I disowned him straight off as we were unmarried, no kids and I didn't depend on him. I wasn't prepared to have my life restricted for someone else's crimes.

I haven't posted much as there don't seem to be many others on here who feel how I do so I've felt a bit like the odd one out. I fully appreciate everyone's circumstances are different but in my view this is a line that is not crossed. It feels so black and white to me, I am not prepared to have someone who harms children in my life. Every time an indecent image of a child is viewed, the real child in that image is abused. These images wouldn't be produced if there wasn't an appetite for them and viewing them fuels the production of them. I fully accept that it can be like an addiction etc. My feeling is that no matter what is going on in these men's lives, they still choose to commit a despicable crime and they will never be as vulnerable as the children in the images. It must be remembered that the men are adults with choice, the children they are viewing are not and are forced to do it which has massive consequences for their whole life. The trauma for those children will be there long after offenders finish their sentences.

It hasn't got to court yet but I have given a statement and if I have to, I will testify against my former partner in court. I have agreed to do this as I feel I need to support the investigation and court process fully, I couldn't live with myself if I'd not done all I could to secure justice. No matter how traumatic it is for me, I know I'll never be as traumatised as those children will be.

Like Cher, I'm relieved to see someone sharing their view of it from someone who feels they cannot support their partner. No disrespect at all to those who do, I've just felt like it was just me feeling like it and it's good to know I'm not alone.

I also pray everyone caught up in this finds peace and big hugs to everyone, whatever your decisions and circumstances. xx

I don't think there is much more I can add but I just want to say thank you and what a huge relief it is to feel that I am not the only one as well. I have struggled and struggled with the feeling that I am a bad person because I cannot forgive my husband either. I feel that the damage caused by my husband's crime is as bad as if he had committed a contact offence and he must now face up to the consequences of the choices he made without any excuses. He knew what he was doing was wrong and he also knew that it would destroy me and our family. His actions were not loving or honourable and in no way aline with of the values that I hold and that I thought he shared. It has been three years since the knock and I still struggle every day with such intense sadness but I must try slowly to rebuild a life free of the lies and deceit that had, unknown to me been filling our home. Thank you so much for speaking up and sharing. Love to all whatever decisions you make. Xxx

I just want to say thank you, I've been struggling because everytime I came on here no one felt like me, and now I don't feel alone, I will probably leave this forum now because l feel a bit more closure now, I'm not a bad person for not supporting my exes vile criminal actions. I actually cried reading your post, again thank you, good luck, lots of love. Cher. Xx

Hi, I am almost 4 months into this mess and I am still in some degree of shock.

I didn't think we had any chance of being together at first but the helpline and this forum have made me see that people do and we have a choice. We have been together as a couple again for a few months now but can't live together. I still have mixed emotions and good days bad days. Days when I feel certain we can be together and days when I question everything. Like yours my husband is doing everything he can to understand and show remorse.

I just wanted to say how many of us have been supported by our husbands through horrific physics and mental illnesses, bereavements etc. Men are different to women.. They struggle with their emotions and managing stress. Sadly our men turned to something extremely difficult to understand as a way of coping and completely lost perspective.

Look up the stages of grief as we go through that... Its a loss of life as we knew it.

I can't say I am not still struggling but compared to those early days I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy... Things feel less raw.

Take care sending love and strength xxxx

Post deleted by user

Hi again

I could have written the first part of your reply myself... The grief and stress I have also been through losing both my parents... I too felt like life was getting back to some sort of normality when this happened in May... Give yourself time. You will go through so many stages and emotions. I was so broken at first and didn't think I had a choice but to walk away... My family put pressure on me to get over him.. I tried for a few weeks but couldn't. Is your husband still at home? Mine wasn't so there were times I didn't see him n tried but it almost killed me.

I think we have to accept we will never condone their crime and I'm sure neither will they. Its about trying to see beyond that and see they are still our husband and father to our children. Also remember they haven't actually physically hurt anyone. Society treats this offence no better than a contact offence but it isn't. The Internet is crowded with this rubbish and sadly around 750 men are arrested in the UK each month. The criminal justice system doesn't seem to know what to do with them.

Sorry I should also add that your choice can be to walk away too.

Take care xxxxxx