Not doing so well
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It has been a bad year, and today is going to be a bad day. I should be tidying. In July I started falling into a worse state of depression than my general state of being and I stopped doing the things you should do. I stopped tidying, I didn't do the washing up for a week at a time, I did the washing when I ran out of clothes, I left all the clean laundry on the dining room table instead of taking it upstairs and putting it away. I even stopped taking my medication for various things. Apathy has always been a major aspect of my depression.
I moved here to look after my mum until she died and stayed to look after dad because despite his protestations about being fine I know he needed someone to be here. Things weren't the best because we were grieving for my mum, his wife of over 40 years, but we were doing our best.
Then this happened.
It was awful and a shock and I went back to living alone because he was not given bail at the time and when we were told he could arrange a bail hearing it turned out we couldn't as the courts were shut. With the COVID-19 restrictions in place I haven't been able to see him for ages. Then lockdown happened and I spent 4 months without seeing anyone in person, it was hard, having 2 dogs and 2 cats probably helped keep me sane. When I went back to work that was hard too, just in a different way.
One month hit me like a tonne of bricks, the anniversary of mum's death, what would have been her birthday, my birthday, all passed with no celebrations or remembrances. I love my sisters but we live very far apart and it seems like I mostly have to initiate contact with them or I don't really hear from them even when we can now video chat whenever we want. I know they are busy with family and careers but it doesn't stop me from feeling lonely.
I feel very much alone.
I cannot believe my dad has done this, it just doesn't seem like him at all, he denies it and I cannot, I dunno, i just know he never gave me any inkling of this at all. My anxiety has ramped up along with the depression and I worry about what I might be like if he is convicted, if I'm this bad now without a conviction how bad will it be if people find him guilty. I haven't seen the evidence being presented as it is a closed case. I haven't heard what has been said. What if he is found innocent, will that be enough? I don't think it can be for some people. I've seen how they reacted when the news ran the story. Either way, convicted or exonerated, the news will be out there again. Some people have forgotten about the first story but I can't imagine it will be better second time around (even if found not guilty because some people just won't believe it isn't true).
Is it better once a verdict is returned, either way? I think maybe it would be because then the waiting is over and you know what the outcome is and can work out what you need to do next. Right now I'm just unable to do anything but speculate and everything is just awful.
I moved here to look after my mum until she died and stayed to look after dad because despite his protestations about being fine I know he needed someone to be here. Things weren't the best because we were grieving for my mum, his wife of over 40 years, but we were doing our best.
Then this happened.
It was awful and a shock and I went back to living alone because he was not given bail at the time and when we were told he could arrange a bail hearing it turned out we couldn't as the courts were shut. With the COVID-19 restrictions in place I haven't been able to see him for ages. Then lockdown happened and I spent 4 months without seeing anyone in person, it was hard, having 2 dogs and 2 cats probably helped keep me sane. When I went back to work that was hard too, just in a different way.
One month hit me like a tonne of bricks, the anniversary of mum's death, what would have been her birthday, my birthday, all passed with no celebrations or remembrances. I love my sisters but we live very far apart and it seems like I mostly have to initiate contact with them or I don't really hear from them even when we can now video chat whenever we want. I know they are busy with family and careers but it doesn't stop me from feeling lonely.
I feel very much alone.
I cannot believe my dad has done this, it just doesn't seem like him at all, he denies it and I cannot, I dunno, i just know he never gave me any inkling of this at all. My anxiety has ramped up along with the depression and I worry about what I might be like if he is convicted, if I'm this bad now without a conviction how bad will it be if people find him guilty. I haven't seen the evidence being presented as it is a closed case. I haven't heard what has been said. What if he is found innocent, will that be enough? I don't think it can be for some people. I've seen how they reacted when the news ran the story. Either way, convicted or exonerated, the news will be out there again. Some people have forgotten about the first story but I can't imagine it will be better second time around (even if found not guilty because some people just won't believe it isn't true).
Is it better once a verdict is returned, either way? I think maybe it would be because then the waiting is over and you know what the outcome is and can work out what you need to do next. Right now I'm just unable to do anything but speculate and everything is just awful.
Hi Meri
I am so sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time. The emotional roller-coaster of this offence is unreal! It's very important to talk and seek whatever support you need.
You say you have sisters and they are busy with their own lives... It sounds like you really need to speak to them and be honest about how you feel. You cannot carry this whole burden by yourself. Also have you spoken to your GP. Are you on medication? Have you been referred for counselling? Do you call the helpline regularly?
There is so much uncertainty until disclosure of what is found. We are in the same position too. You have to learn how to live in the meantime.
Please keep talking and accept whatever help you can. Xxxx
I am so sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time. The emotional roller-coaster of this offence is unreal! It's very important to talk and seek whatever support you need.
You say you have sisters and they are busy with their own lives... It sounds like you really need to speak to them and be honest about how you feel. You cannot carry this whole burden by yourself. Also have you spoken to your GP. Are you on medication? Have you been referred for counselling? Do you call the helpline regularly?
There is so much uncertainty until disclosure of what is found. We are in the same position too. You have to learn how to live in the meantime.
Please keep talking and accept whatever help you can. Xxxx
I finally talked to my doctor about the depression as it had been 6 years without needing medication, even managing through grief over mum without it, so was trying to just deal with things myself. Seems like my normal coping mechanisms are just too stretched by this on top of everything else. Anyway, I have a prescription but I haven't started it yet, I don't like the look if the side effects as one is a side effect I had before on a different prescription and really don't want it to happen again. I'll be looking up the chemical formula and comparing them later before taking the drug, make sure it is different. I'm a bioscience geek and did some pharmacology modules as part of my degree so, yeah, not the most model patient I guess ????
I really want to try and go back to my normal (which is chronic depression but at a level I've been dealing with for decades), I want my life back the way it was without this part if me that's always aware of what my dad has been accused of if only on a subconscious level. Part of me can't process what has happened, part of me will always look at the negative, but here I find myself convinced it is wrong, the police are wrong. Am I being naive to say I can't believe he did it?
When he said he didn't do it I believed him. People have reminded me that I can't tell if people are lying at the best of times so when I really want to believe him I might just not be able to see he is lying.
I'm going to order food and try and knuckle down to more house work, make the place presentable at least, set off another dishwasher load, dye another load of towels, take the bins out ready for tomorrow's rubbish collection, small things that will hopefully male a big difference and help me feel better.
I really want to try and go back to my normal (which is chronic depression but at a level I've been dealing with for decades), I want my life back the way it was without this part if me that's always aware of what my dad has been accused of if only on a subconscious level. Part of me can't process what has happened, part of me will always look at the negative, but here I find myself convinced it is wrong, the police are wrong. Am I being naive to say I can't believe he did it?
When he said he didn't do it I believed him. People have reminded me that I can't tell if people are lying at the best of times so when I really want to believe him I might just not be able to see he is lying.
I'm going to order food and try and knuckle down to more house work, make the place presentable at least, set off another dishwasher load, dye another load of towels, take the bins out ready for tomorrow's rubbish collection, small things that will hopefully male a big difference and help me feel better.
Hi again Meri,
It's really good to set yourself small n achievable goals when you're feeling very low. Please discuss medication with the doctor. I know they are not always the answer but sometimes they do help to take the edge off. I don't think there's an anti depressant in the world strong enough to take away the pain that the aftermath of this offence causes. However... They do help with managing your emotions a little better n being able to get up n dressed in the morning. There's so much stigma around mental health n anti depressants but think of it like if you had a headache... You would take a painkiller. It's 1 tablet per day n the side affects are not usually as mammoth as you think. Start with a low dose n see how you go. It will help I am sure. I also think it's important you phone the helpline as much as you need to... Daily if need be. Maybe look up the stages of grief too. We go through every emotion possible after this offence is dropped on our lives like a bomb.... Sadness, anger, denial... Its an emotional roller-coaster.
Take care n keep talking Xxxxxxx
It's really good to set yourself small n achievable goals when you're feeling very low. Please discuss medication with the doctor. I know they are not always the answer but sometimes they do help to take the edge off. I don't think there's an anti depressant in the world strong enough to take away the pain that the aftermath of this offence causes. However... They do help with managing your emotions a little better n being able to get up n dressed in the morning. There's so much stigma around mental health n anti depressants but think of it like if you had a headache... You would take a painkiller. It's 1 tablet per day n the side affects are not usually as mammoth as you think. Start with a low dose n see how you go. It will help I am sure. I also think it's important you phone the helpline as much as you need to... Daily if need be. Maybe look up the stages of grief too. We go through every emotion possible after this offence is dropped on our lives like a bomb.... Sadness, anger, denial... Its an emotional roller-coaster.
Take care n keep talking Xxxxxxx
Rainbow girl
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder when I was 9 years old and it's been an almost constant thing for me with it sometimes becoming worse. I've taken medication for this as and when I needed it, it can take a while to find the right one(s) and the right dosage, sometimes there are side effects, often they are manageable, the one time it wasn't is the side effect I am worried about with this new prescription. The side effect in question is a much increased heart rate / palpitations, not a good thing at all.
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder when I was 9 years old and it's been an almost constant thing for me with it sometimes becoming worse. I've taken medication for this as and when I needed it, it can take a while to find the right one(s) and the right dosage, sometimes there are side effects, often they are manageable, the one time it wasn't is the side effect I am worried about with this new prescription. The side effect in question is a much increased heart rate / palpitations, not a good thing at all.
Hi Meri I am glad you take them when you need. It certainly sounds like you do right now.
The overwhelming emotions this brings I will take my hat off to anyone who gets through it without medication along with lots of other support and self help.
Medication affects people in different ways. I am on escitaopram which is apparently well tolerated. It helps me feel so much calmer.
Try one n if you expeience too many side affects try another until you find one you can tolerate well. Xx
The overwhelming emotions this brings I will take my hat off to anyone who gets through it without medication along with lots of other support and self help.
Medication affects people in different ways. I am on escitaopram which is apparently well tolerated. It helps me feel so much calmer.
Try one n if you expeience too many side affects try another until you find one you can tolerate well. Xx