Recognising today is a hard day
Notifications OFF
So it’s a Saturday night and I wish I could share my real reality with those who know me, be brave enough to post my story on social media so that those who have been judging me could see the real reality of my life, not the life they perceive and not the life they feel I must be living due to what they’ve read and the conclusions they have come to without fully speaking or listening to me. I have spent the day crying as today has been one of those bad days, triggered when someone you care deeply about does not understand the situation…I am sure many of you can relate to those moments, sheer frustration when you just wish you were really heard, understood and listened to. I sometimes day dream thinking what if I was that person who shared their story live on the internet, would people suddenly wake up to the reality of what my life is like and offer support and empathy rather than judgement? Sadly I know judgement would probably be the strongest emotion, but its nice to dream.
Although I know I am not alone, and although I have some wonderful supportive friends I still feel so incredibly isolated navigating this confusing and lonely path alone. My friends try to be supportive, but at the back of their minds I know they are secretly struggling to understand, of course they are, I would be to if I wasn’t going through this myself.
For those that don’t know my story I will keep it short, I am here due to my partner having a porn addiction which led us down this dark and lonely path. I have chosen to stay with him based on his reactions, his life story, who he was as a partner before I knew about this addiction, based on information from professionals who specialise in sex addiction and based on the growing research available around porn addiction.
Although they say knowledge is power which is very true, it is also true that ignorance is bliss. I sometimes find myself wishing I didn’t understand how this happened, I spend some days hating myself thinking my life would be so much easier if I didn’t understand and just walked away. But now I find myself feeling trapped with all these emotions and don’t know what to do with them. In the moments when I want to walk away from my partner, I know it is only because of how difficult other people in my life and society are making it for me, I know its not actually a decision I want to make myself. Then on the days when I am stronger and more forgiving to those in my life who don’t understand, I remind myself its because they aren’t living my life or walking in my shoes, they haven’t had access to the same information as me and they haven’t been forced to understand the situation like myself, in some ways I get angry that these people and society don’t realise how privileged they actually are. I currently feel like it doesn’t matter what decision I make, as either choice leaves me feeling upset, exhausted, confused and lonely.
It really is wonderful to have a site like this, where I can share my reality, but although it makes me aware im not alone, it doesn’t stop me from feeling alone. I just wish society could be made aware of our situation so that people like us can get the support we need without being judged or made to feel like rubbish people. Counselling does help, but it doesn’t change the real reality of your support network not being educated enough about the challenges us partners face. The judgements we face, the stress we carry, the relationships we lose or struggle to navigate. I wish others could see the strength we actually have which enables us to deal with these daily challenges. I am a couple of years into this journey, and the legal aspect of it is still dragging due to covid- another frustration of mine, the utter lack of awareness from the justice system, police, media and social services of the impact this has on the mental health of all those involved (offender, family, friends). As I regularly reflect on the situation, I realise that a big chunk of the stress I experience isn’t actually the situation between myself or my partner, its from other peoples views, behaviours and judgements. I sometimes feel like I am being backed into a corner, being forced to make a decision I so desperately don’t want to make. As I said earlier, neither decision leaves me truly content as it feels either way I lose someone I love. I sometimes scream in frustration to those who don’t understand… “I will leave is that what you want to hear, will that make you happy”, but my body language obviously suggests this is not want I want nor something I would really do. I think something else I struggle with is how so many people make this situation about themselves, at the end of the day my partner is not their partner, they don’t need to share a life with them so what difference does it really make to them? I try to be kind, patient and tolerant of their reactions as I remind myself of the shock and the difficulty of processing this situation… after all I experienced it myself. But when I try to be understanding, it just comes at my detriment, it leaves me once again feeling alone. I then get frustrated that people can’t show me the same understanding I show them despite how much they hurt my feelings. I find it difficult that they cant see how much pain I am already in, yet they have to add to that pain.
I know this situation will eventually end, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but one day. And I do know that what will be will be, after all those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter. I guess I am just taking a moment to recognise today is one of those really hard days and its okay to recognise that.
So I guess if your reading this, I am assuming you will be feeling very much like myself… alone and exhausted. But I will remind you what I am reminding myself this very second whilst I type, we are not alone, we are just not a well represented community but hopefully that will change in time. Stay strong everyone.
Although I know I am not alone, and although I have some wonderful supportive friends I still feel so incredibly isolated navigating this confusing and lonely path alone. My friends try to be supportive, but at the back of their minds I know they are secretly struggling to understand, of course they are, I would be to if I wasn’t going through this myself.
For those that don’t know my story I will keep it short, I am here due to my partner having a porn addiction which led us down this dark and lonely path. I have chosen to stay with him based on his reactions, his life story, who he was as a partner before I knew about this addiction, based on information from professionals who specialise in sex addiction and based on the growing research available around porn addiction.
Although they say knowledge is power which is very true, it is also true that ignorance is bliss. I sometimes find myself wishing I didn’t understand how this happened, I spend some days hating myself thinking my life would be so much easier if I didn’t understand and just walked away. But now I find myself feeling trapped with all these emotions and don’t know what to do with them. In the moments when I want to walk away from my partner, I know it is only because of how difficult other people in my life and society are making it for me, I know its not actually a decision I want to make myself. Then on the days when I am stronger and more forgiving to those in my life who don’t understand, I remind myself its because they aren’t living my life or walking in my shoes, they haven’t had access to the same information as me and they haven’t been forced to understand the situation like myself, in some ways I get angry that these people and society don’t realise how privileged they actually are. I currently feel like it doesn’t matter what decision I make, as either choice leaves me feeling upset, exhausted, confused and lonely.
It really is wonderful to have a site like this, where I can share my reality, but although it makes me aware im not alone, it doesn’t stop me from feeling alone. I just wish society could be made aware of our situation so that people like us can get the support we need without being judged or made to feel like rubbish people. Counselling does help, but it doesn’t change the real reality of your support network not being educated enough about the challenges us partners face. The judgements we face, the stress we carry, the relationships we lose or struggle to navigate. I wish others could see the strength we actually have which enables us to deal with these daily challenges. I am a couple of years into this journey, and the legal aspect of it is still dragging due to covid- another frustration of mine, the utter lack of awareness from the justice system, police, media and social services of the impact this has on the mental health of all those involved (offender, family, friends). As I regularly reflect on the situation, I realise that a big chunk of the stress I experience isn’t actually the situation between myself or my partner, its from other peoples views, behaviours and judgements. I sometimes feel like I am being backed into a corner, being forced to make a decision I so desperately don’t want to make. As I said earlier, neither decision leaves me truly content as it feels either way I lose someone I love. I sometimes scream in frustration to those who don’t understand… “I will leave is that what you want to hear, will that make you happy”, but my body language obviously suggests this is not want I want nor something I would really do. I think something else I struggle with is how so many people make this situation about themselves, at the end of the day my partner is not their partner, they don’t need to share a life with them so what difference does it really make to them? I try to be kind, patient and tolerant of their reactions as I remind myself of the shock and the difficulty of processing this situation… after all I experienced it myself. But when I try to be understanding, it just comes at my detriment, it leaves me once again feeling alone. I then get frustrated that people can’t show me the same understanding I show them despite how much they hurt my feelings. I find it difficult that they cant see how much pain I am already in, yet they have to add to that pain.
I know this situation will eventually end, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but one day. And I do know that what will be will be, after all those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter. I guess I am just taking a moment to recognise today is one of those really hard days and its okay to recognise that.
So I guess if your reading this, I am assuming you will be feeling very much like myself… alone and exhausted. But I will remind you what I am reminding myself this very second whilst I type, we are not alone, we are just not a well represented community but hopefully that will change in time. Stay strong everyone.
Hi confused, it is heartbreaking what you wrote so im sedning you lots of hugs. It is normal to feel all these things and you seem like very compassionate and good person. What i can suggest is maybe going away for few days, with covid can be tricky but not impossible. Also are you speaking to someone professional? Dont blame yourself for feeling too much or trying to explain things to others. You are very spot on on how other people will try to help but only you know how it feels. And well done for getting to the bottom of the situation and working together with your partner. Honesty is great and seems like your relationship is very deep and trusting. From what ive read here some people are relocating, is that an option for you? I also get the impression that people have it all but then we see only the surface. And people are quick to judge and give opinions whithout knowing the whole story, I think social media makes people so much more vile so try and stay away from it. Take it day by day, also take care of yourself, eat healthy, do sports, wear your nice clothes, take enough time to sleep.
Wow, what an unbelievablely honest and emotive post. I've just got in bed after saying goodbye to my husband as he left me n the kids to go back to his parents as he's not allowed to stay overnight.
Yes..i am lonely now too. My family seem to be just leaving me to get on with it now I'm with him as a couple. They say they don't want me to stop going to family events even though they make it clear only me and the kids will be welcome. They won't even call the helpline to try to understand. They have absolutely no idea how traumatic every part of this is. I have been there for every one of their dramas and they cannot even think about trying to understand my husband they've known n loved for over 20 years for my sake.
We are amazingly stong and resilient to be still standing no matter what stage of this we are upto. We are here.. Talking and listening to our partners, the helpline, other women in the situation, doing courses etc etc. I wish we were all blessed enough to have friends and family as kind, empathic, caring and compassionate as ourselves.
Confused. Com... Please do not let others dictate your life or your future. They are choosing not to try to understand because society and ignorance tell them its an unforgiveable offence. Knowledge is power. We have the power to understand and to choose our life and our future.
Take care hope tomorrow is a better day xxx
Yes..i am lonely now too. My family seem to be just leaving me to get on with it now I'm with him as a couple. They say they don't want me to stop going to family events even though they make it clear only me and the kids will be welcome. They won't even call the helpline to try to understand. They have absolutely no idea how traumatic every part of this is. I have been there for every one of their dramas and they cannot even think about trying to understand my husband they've known n loved for over 20 years for my sake.
We are amazingly stong and resilient to be still standing no matter what stage of this we are upto. We are here.. Talking and listening to our partners, the helpline, other women in the situation, doing courses etc etc. I wish we were all blessed enough to have friends and family as kind, empathic, caring and compassionate as ourselves.
Confused. Com... Please do not let others dictate your life or your future. They are choosing not to try to understand because society and ignorance tell them its an unforgiveable offence. Knowledge is power. We have the power to understand and to choose our life and our future.
Take care hope tomorrow is a better day xxx
Confused. Com you have articulated just how I'm feeling right now.
Before all of this, I was just as blind as everyone else in my life is, to the horrors of life after finding out what we have about our loved ones.
Before all this I thought about the victims, the offenders. I even thought about the victims families. But its almost as though we as a nation just presume that sex offenders don't have families. And that, as you say, is a lack of education.
I'd like to think that if I were on the opposite side of the fence, and this had happened to a friend, I would have been able to empathise and be supportive.
I've told a couple of friends. Some relationships are now strained. I'm reluctant to tell anyone else after our whole extended family cut ties.
People you thought would be there for you forever, gone. In the blink of an eye.
Sometimes I feel like nothing and no one makes sense anymore and that it would be easier to cut all ties, but that's a horrible and uncertain outcome too.
Before all of this, I was just as blind as everyone else in my life is, to the horrors of life after finding out what we have about our loved ones.
Before all this I thought about the victims, the offenders. I even thought about the victims families. But its almost as though we as a nation just presume that sex offenders don't have families. And that, as you say, is a lack of education.
I'd like to think that if I were on the opposite side of the fence, and this had happened to a friend, I would have been able to empathise and be supportive.
I've told a couple of friends. Some relationships are now strained. I'm reluctant to tell anyone else after our whole extended family cut ties.
People you thought would be there for you forever, gone. In the blink of an eye.
Sometimes I feel like nothing and no one makes sense anymore and that it would be easier to cut all ties, but that's a horrible and uncertain outcome too.