Just Waiting for the Shoe to Drop
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Hello,
I am a new member from across the pond in the US. I found out a couple years ago that my husband had been looking at illegal pictures of children on his phone. He swore he had stopped, but I found more pictures a few months ago. I told my counselor, who made a report, and since then I've been waiting for the knock.
I was conflicted at first, because I was so sure he would never actually hurt any minors. Then I found out he had taken clothed pictures of friends of our young kids to use. I also found out he used children's clothing inappropreiately, and last week I found out he attempted to pressure a teen friend of ours to do things with him a few years ago. After all of this, I became convinced that he is a walking timebomb, and something needed to be done. I filed an anonymous report giving more details than I know my counselor gave, hoping to speed up the investigation.
I feel so many things. I feel like I'm waiting for a giant shoe to drop... my husband doesn't know an investigation is happening, and I'm trying to act normal knowing that at any time, I could need to herd my 3 and 6 year olds out of the room so police can arrest their dad.
I have also decided that whether he gets arrested or not, the kids and I need to leave him. I'm a stay-at-home mom, which makes things infinately harder. I keep thinking about what I'm going to have to tell the kids... that Daddy won't be home, he doesn't live with us anymore. Trying to figure out how visitations would go, because I don't want to cut him off completely but also want to keep my kids safe. How to tell his family, which is basically my family after 11 years of marriage. Worrying that, since he has a personality disorder and has talked about becoming violent "if anything took us away from him," that he may not let a separation happen. Knowing there are even more things I haven't even thought about to consider, but will have to.
Any comments about other things I need to consider, any tips in dealing with explaining separation/divorce to young kids, really anything, is very much appreciated. Legal processes are different over there I'm sure, but I'm glad to find a place that supports the family and partners of pedophiles. I feel like I've been going through all of this alone, even though a couple close friends know, they can't really relate to any of this.
I am a new member from across the pond in the US. I found out a couple years ago that my husband had been looking at illegal pictures of children on his phone. He swore he had stopped, but I found more pictures a few months ago. I told my counselor, who made a report, and since then I've been waiting for the knock.
I was conflicted at first, because I was so sure he would never actually hurt any minors. Then I found out he had taken clothed pictures of friends of our young kids to use. I also found out he used children's clothing inappropreiately, and last week I found out he attempted to pressure a teen friend of ours to do things with him a few years ago. After all of this, I became convinced that he is a walking timebomb, and something needed to be done. I filed an anonymous report giving more details than I know my counselor gave, hoping to speed up the investigation.
I feel so many things. I feel like I'm waiting for a giant shoe to drop... my husband doesn't know an investigation is happening, and I'm trying to act normal knowing that at any time, I could need to herd my 3 and 6 year olds out of the room so police can arrest their dad.
I have also decided that whether he gets arrested or not, the kids and I need to leave him. I'm a stay-at-home mom, which makes things infinately harder. I keep thinking about what I'm going to have to tell the kids... that Daddy won't be home, he doesn't live with us anymore. Trying to figure out how visitations would go, because I don't want to cut him off completely but also want to keep my kids safe. How to tell his family, which is basically my family after 11 years of marriage. Worrying that, since he has a personality disorder and has talked about becoming violent "if anything took us away from him," that he may not let a separation happen. Knowing there are even more things I haven't even thought about to consider, but will have to.
Any comments about other things I need to consider, any tips in dealing with explaining separation/divorce to young kids, really anything, is very much appreciated. Legal processes are different over there I'm sure, but I'm glad to find a place that supports the family and partners of pedophiles. I feel like I've been going through all of this alone, even though a couple close friends know, they can't really relate to any of this.
Hello PaintedSunshine
I am sorry to hear about what has happened, and the difficult situation this has left you in. We have noticed that you have not received any replies to your post and although hopefully you will receive support from other forum users we thought it may be helpful to give you some advice in the meantime.
Firstly, well done for taking this behaviour seriously. At Stop It Now! we believe it is every adults responsibility to ensure children are safe. I understand how hard it must have been to make that decision. Due to the complexity of this situation, I recommend that you call our anonymous and confidential helpline to discuss this situation further so we can address your questions and offer more tailored support and advice. Our international helpline number is +44 3172 847 161. Alternatively you may find it helpful to call Stop It Now! US on 1.888.PREVENT.
Finding out that a loved one has been accessing indecent images of children can be a huge shock. You may feel a whole host of emotions including confused, because you may feel angry and betrayed, yet love this person. It is really important that during this difficult time you are looking after yourself and therefore I encourage you to identify a trusted friend or family member who you can talk to. You may also find it helpful to consider visiting the doctor to discuss what has happened and receive some additional support.
It is really important for you to consider the safety of your children and therefore, if you are still living with your husband it is important to ensure that you supervise all contact between your husband and your children. This can be difficult especially when you are sleeping and therefore, it may be helpful to consider leaving, or asking him to leave the family home so you can ensure your children are safe. I would also encourage you to have a look at our Parents Protect website (https://www.parentsprotect.co.uk/) which contains lots of useful resources around how to keep children safe and information around creating a family safety plan.
I understand that you are concerned regarding what to tell your children. It is important when considering how and when to tell the children to remember you know your children best. It is important for children to know why Dad is not around anymore so they do not fill in the gaps and/or blame themselves. In regards to talking to your children about what has happened. You may find it helpful to visit this section of our website https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/professionals-looking-for-advice/working-with-partners/advice-for-parents/ Additionally this is something we can offer more support and guidance regarding on the helpline.
I hope this information has been helpful and you feel able to call the helpline soon.
Take care,
Lucy
I am sorry to hear about what has happened, and the difficult situation this has left you in. We have noticed that you have not received any replies to your post and although hopefully you will receive support from other forum users we thought it may be helpful to give you some advice in the meantime.
Firstly, well done for taking this behaviour seriously. At Stop It Now! we believe it is every adults responsibility to ensure children are safe. I understand how hard it must have been to make that decision. Due to the complexity of this situation, I recommend that you call our anonymous and confidential helpline to discuss this situation further so we can address your questions and offer more tailored support and advice. Our international helpline number is +44 3172 847 161. Alternatively you may find it helpful to call Stop It Now! US on 1.888.PREVENT.
Finding out that a loved one has been accessing indecent images of children can be a huge shock. You may feel a whole host of emotions including confused, because you may feel angry and betrayed, yet love this person. It is really important that during this difficult time you are looking after yourself and therefore I encourage you to identify a trusted friend or family member who you can talk to. You may also find it helpful to consider visiting the doctor to discuss what has happened and receive some additional support.
It is really important for you to consider the safety of your children and therefore, if you are still living with your husband it is important to ensure that you supervise all contact between your husband and your children. This can be difficult especially when you are sleeping and therefore, it may be helpful to consider leaving, or asking him to leave the family home so you can ensure your children are safe. I would also encourage you to have a look at our Parents Protect website (https://www.parentsprotect.co.uk/) which contains lots of useful resources around how to keep children safe and information around creating a family safety plan.
I understand that you are concerned regarding what to tell your children. It is important when considering how and when to tell the children to remember you know your children best. It is important for children to know why Dad is not around anymore so they do not fill in the gaps and/or blame themselves. In regards to talking to your children about what has happened. You may find it helpful to visit this section of our website https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/professionals-looking-for-advice/working-with-partners/advice-for-parents/ Additionally this is something we can offer more support and guidance regarding on the helpline.
I hope this information has been helpful and you feel able to call the helpline soon.
Take care,
Lucy
Heya Painted sunshine,
I want to say well done, you brave women. Working with the authorities and the counsellor to ensure that not only your children are protected but others are too.. You're a brave women.
Has there been an update yet? Have you managed to find a home or some kind of income stream to support your children and yourself.
How are you doing in yourself?
I want to say well done, you brave women. Working with the authorities and the counsellor to ensure that not only your children are protected but others are too.. You're a brave women.
Has there been an update yet? Have you managed to find a home or some kind of income stream to support your children and yourself.
How are you doing in yourself?