4 years on :(
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Hi I am new to the group. My son was arrested 4 years a go, on register for 2 years and cautioned. I have two younger children although all of them adults.
Just recently people have been finding out, there was no media coverage thank goodness as I was terrified how this would affect my other children. Unfortunately it is my other son who is taking the brunt of his brothers actions. It seems to be mostly his friends who are now learning the news. He already has mental illness which was exacerbated by lockdown. He is really struggling and I don't know how to help him.
He is terrified to see his friends children in case they think he is like his brother. Although he initially stood by his brother he now can't stand to be near him. He blames him for his own mental illness (quite probable) and because people are asking him about it.
My son who was arrested does not see or speak to anyone, he is autistic and has mental illness. So anyone who is interested is asking his brother about it.
My younger son does not live at home but my older son does. This means I don't get to see my younger son as he won't come here.
It's all still such a mess and I don't think it will ever go away. When I see or hear of new offenders in the media I immediately think of their families. The impact is huge. I lost my career, my only grandchild, almost lost my daughter to suicide and the strain on the whole family is immense.
Are there other mums of offenders out there that can relate? offer any advice?
thanks
Just recently people have been finding out, there was no media coverage thank goodness as I was terrified how this would affect my other children. Unfortunately it is my other son who is taking the brunt of his brothers actions. It seems to be mostly his friends who are now learning the news. He already has mental illness which was exacerbated by lockdown. He is really struggling and I don't know how to help him.
He is terrified to see his friends children in case they think he is like his brother. Although he initially stood by his brother he now can't stand to be near him. He blames him for his own mental illness (quite probable) and because people are asking him about it.
My son who was arrested does not see or speak to anyone, he is autistic and has mental illness. So anyone who is interested is asking his brother about it.
My younger son does not live at home but my older son does. This means I don't get to see my younger son as he won't come here.
It's all still such a mess and I don't think it will ever go away. When I see or hear of new offenders in the media I immediately think of their families. The impact is huge. I lost my career, my only grandchild, almost lost my daughter to suicide and the strain on the whole family is immense.
Are there other mums of offenders out there that can relate? offer any advice?
thanks
Hi Mumof3,
It sounds as though you are in a very difficult situation at present so I am glad you have sourced this forum as a place of support. We have noticed that you have not yet received any replies from other members of the forum and hopefully you will receive some replies from others soon. In the meantime, I can offer you some more general advice.
Finding out that a loved one has committed a sexual offence can be extremely difficult to cope with so it would be important to seek some support for yourself, for example by confiding in a trusted family member or friend so that you are not struggling alone, as well as speaking with you GP for some professional support if you are struggling to cope. I would also recommend that you phone us on our anonymous and confidential Stop it Now! Helpline (0808 1000 900) to receive ongoing support in this difficult time. This will also allow you to discuss your situation in more detail and receive more tailored advice. It may also be helpful for your sons to contact us on the helpline or via our new Online Live Chat service if the idea of talking to someone on the phone seems too daunting. You can find more information about the opening times of our chat service here https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/how-we-prevent-child-sexual-abuse/how-the-stop-it-now-helpline-works/live-chat/
In the meantime here is some advice that you may find helpful.
You may also find it useful to get in touch with an organisation called Mind. They would be able to advise you around support available for different mental health issues and their website also contains information around how to help someone who struggles with their mental health: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/. You and your son may also find it helpful to visit the NHS moodzone website who have a host of free resources, tips, and self-help /self-assessments you may like to have a look at.
If relevant, your son may also wish to temporarily come off any social media apps or websites if others are messaging him about the situation. It may also be a good idea for your son to explain to his friends that discussing his brother’s situation is negatively impacting his mental health so they are more mindful about this.
I hope this information has been helpful.
Best wishes
Lucy
It sounds as though you are in a very difficult situation at present so I am glad you have sourced this forum as a place of support. We have noticed that you have not yet received any replies from other members of the forum and hopefully you will receive some replies from others soon. In the meantime, I can offer you some more general advice.
Finding out that a loved one has committed a sexual offence can be extremely difficult to cope with so it would be important to seek some support for yourself, for example by confiding in a trusted family member or friend so that you are not struggling alone, as well as speaking with you GP for some professional support if you are struggling to cope. I would also recommend that you phone us on our anonymous and confidential Stop it Now! Helpline (0808 1000 900) to receive ongoing support in this difficult time. This will also allow you to discuss your situation in more detail and receive more tailored advice. It may also be helpful for your sons to contact us on the helpline or via our new Online Live Chat service if the idea of talking to someone on the phone seems too daunting. You can find more information about the opening times of our chat service here https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/how-we-prevent-child-sexual-abuse/how-the-stop-it-now-helpline-works/live-chat/
In the meantime here is some advice that you may find helpful.
You may also find it useful to get in touch with an organisation called Mind. They would be able to advise you around support available for different mental health issues and their website also contains information around how to help someone who struggles with their mental health: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/. You and your son may also find it helpful to visit the NHS moodzone website who have a host of free resources, tips, and self-help /self-assessments you may like to have a look at.
If relevant, your son may also wish to temporarily come off any social media apps or websites if others are messaging him about the situation. It may also be a good idea for your son to explain to his friends that discussing his brother’s situation is negatively impacting his mental health so they are more mindful about this.
I hope this information has been helpful.
Best wishes
Lucy
Hi mum of 3
im sorry to hear that people have started to find out about your son four years on from his offence. That does not seem fair at all. Most people assume that it won't come out if it hasn't within a month or so of being to court. Your post just goes to show that this can come back to bite years later. I'm the mum of an offender and my son is currently in prison. I have two adult children. My son who's in prison and my daughter. I must admit our daughter was very shocked, hurt, andpgry, sad, confused and tearful when it came to light that our son had communicated with someone under age on the internet. The whole thing nearly destroyed our whole family. I did not think I was going to come through it all and nearly didn't on a few occasions. Fortunately, I did come through it and I'm here to tell the tale. My daughter and son are now back to being close but I don't think their relationship can ever be the same again because the trust has gone. I think the trust bit is the bit that takes longer to build back up which is never going to happen over night, if ever. Do you have any idea how this has suddenly come to light where you live? I must admit that my big fear is that it all comes out again in the furure and us having to move house yet again. The hurt and devastation this causes to family us worse than death because with death you usually get closure but with this there is no closure. It's there for the rest of your life. We need more awareness of this crime as it's an epidemic rather than the odd offence. We need to somehow educate men as to what they will lose and how much hurt they will cause others if they commit this crime. I think we also need to educate our kids about internet safety far more than we do. For instance, the person my son was talking to said she was 18 and looked it. She sent my son pictures without him asking even although she was on a site for 18 and over. Surely we need to educate youngsters on this issue and try to get them to realise how dangerous talking to and sending pictures to older men is something they should not be doing. In my sons case, he never met the girl nor asked to meet her but what's to say another man would not have. Another man may have met her and god knows what could have come from that. Please don't think I'm defending my son or any other man. A child is a child, there's no getting around that but, perhaps if youngsters were properly educated on the dangers they wouldn't take up any conversation with a man they know is so much older than themselves. X
im sorry to hear that people have started to find out about your son four years on from his offence. That does not seem fair at all. Most people assume that it won't come out if it hasn't within a month or so of being to court. Your post just goes to show that this can come back to bite years later. I'm the mum of an offender and my son is currently in prison. I have two adult children. My son who's in prison and my daughter. I must admit our daughter was very shocked, hurt, andpgry, sad, confused and tearful when it came to light that our son had communicated with someone under age on the internet. The whole thing nearly destroyed our whole family. I did not think I was going to come through it all and nearly didn't on a few occasions. Fortunately, I did come through it and I'm here to tell the tale. My daughter and son are now back to being close but I don't think their relationship can ever be the same again because the trust has gone. I think the trust bit is the bit that takes longer to build back up which is never going to happen over night, if ever. Do you have any idea how this has suddenly come to light where you live? I must admit that my big fear is that it all comes out again in the furure and us having to move house yet again. The hurt and devastation this causes to family us worse than death because with death you usually get closure but with this there is no closure. It's there for the rest of your life. We need more awareness of this crime as it's an epidemic rather than the odd offence. We need to somehow educate men as to what they will lose and how much hurt they will cause others if they commit this crime. I think we also need to educate our kids about internet safety far more than we do. For instance, the person my son was talking to said she was 18 and looked it. She sent my son pictures without him asking even although she was on a site for 18 and over. Surely we need to educate youngsters on this issue and try to get them to realise how dangerous talking to and sending pictures to older men is something they should not be doing. In my sons case, he never met the girl nor asked to meet her but what's to say another man would not have. Another man may have met her and god knows what could have come from that. Please don't think I'm defending my son or any other man. A child is a child, there's no getting around that but, perhaps if youngsters were properly educated on the dangers they wouldn't take up any conversation with a man they know is so much older than themselves. X