The realisation of the offence has started to hit me
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I was numb over Christmas and new year. But now I feel sick to my stomach.
the offence of looking at indecent images makes me feel physically uncomfortable.
I didn’t even have any idea something was wrong I was content in my relationship now I feel ill.
i still have a bit of time off work and I am going to the doctors on Monday to try and express myself. The helpline is good but think I am going to need more intense support to get through this.
i can’t stay with my partner through this. Mainly because of my daughter and my job.
i still care about my ex and when I think about the offence I think surely not, not him.
but then when I asked him if the police had made a mistake he said no.
it seems like two separate people.
its messing with my head.
For an update I have shared with one friend who was remarkably nice and not judgmental so that’s a start.
i am scared about so many things.
being a single mum and paying the bills and dealing with feelings of loneliness.
Sorry I know like others my mind is full of the lies and trying to work out the truth and a way forward. I only hope in 12 months I will be someone who can bring some light to others
the offence of looking at indecent images makes me feel physically uncomfortable.
I didn’t even have any idea something was wrong I was content in my relationship now I feel ill.
i still have a bit of time off work and I am going to the doctors on Monday to try and express myself. The helpline is good but think I am going to need more intense support to get through this.
i can’t stay with my partner through this. Mainly because of my daughter and my job.
i still care about my ex and when I think about the offence I think surely not, not him.
but then when I asked him if the police had made a mistake he said no.
it seems like two separate people.
its messing with my head.
For an update I have shared with one friend who was remarkably nice and not judgmental so that’s a start.
i am scared about so many things.
being a single mum and paying the bills and dealing with feelings of loneliness.
Sorry I know like others my mind is full of the lies and trying to work out the truth and a way forward. I only hope in 12 months I will be someone who can bring some light to others
Its a very difficult situation to be in and deal with. Although my situation is different i know what you mean by feeling ill about what they did and finding it hard to reconcile them being the same person. Talking helps, ive found councelling great. Having someone independent to talk it all over with. I also found going to see one of the lucy faithful practitioners helpful, as they really know lots about internet offences, others on here have recormmended the inform course. Your gp may be able to suggest something local to you. I feel in a much better place now then i did 4 months ago, so although i know this year will be tough, im hoping like you in 12 months things will be better. Theres so many emotions to deal with so be kind to yourself and i hope you are able to find some help and support to get you through it.
Hi Bethlou23
I think your problems with reconcilling the man you married, spent many happy years with and the man who looks at those disgusting images is something we all struggle with.
I know I frequently ask myself why and what could possibly be attractive at looking at those children, thinking about the effect this must have on these poor vulnerable children who turn into adults who can't escape what happened.
Counseling helped me loads and I was lucky enough to get it through work so could start very quickly, as you know the nhs is so underfunded that you are waiting months for that
Just take each day at a time and remember it's okay to go through several different emotions in one day.
Yes, it is lonely and I'm still trying to figure that out!! I guess it's about trying to make a life without him but that's easier said than done!!
You're doing so well, make sure you look after yourself.
Much love xx
I think your problems with reconcilling the man you married, spent many happy years with and the man who looks at those disgusting images is something we all struggle with.
I know I frequently ask myself why and what could possibly be attractive at looking at those children, thinking about the effect this must have on these poor vulnerable children who turn into adults who can't escape what happened.
Counseling helped me loads and I was lucky enough to get it through work so could start very quickly, as you know the nhs is so underfunded that you are waiting months for that
Just take each day at a time and remember it's okay to go through several different emotions in one day.
Yes, it is lonely and I'm still trying to figure that out!! I guess it's about trying to make a life without him but that's easier said than done!!
You're doing so well, make sure you look after yourself.
Much love xx
Your kindness helps so much.
its quite an isolating place isn’t it. That’s what makes the forum so special.
i hope others out there have the confidence to post, we are ordinary women with a horrific experience.
i certainly want to access counselling.
i don’t want to loose hope in humanity just yet. I am a positive person so the last thing I want is to be angry. I am doing my best to take the advice and be kind to myself.
ny daughter is back at nursery next week so that should give me some head space. I am not ready to go back to work just yet.
I appreciate all the honest responses, yes divorce will be on the cards, I just hope once my ex sorts his employment I will be less worried about his situation and suicide risk. Like my social worker said he is an adult and can look after himself. Though I do feel huge is vulnerable and emotionally stupid. I can’t see any future other than he is my daughters dad.
i am cutting back on costs it’s a new way of living realising I will only have one wage. My partner will pay child support so that’s good but like I said I have this nagging feeling something bad will happen. That’s one of the things I will say to the doctor that I feel panicky. I have never had a panic attack but believe I am not myself all the time.
its positive to see how you all are navigating life, and we will be stronger for our children. I love a uk holiday, children don’t need expensive holidays and presents. They need their mums to be emotionally available and supportive to take an interest in their day. You all are giving me hope that I can do this.
love to all
Beth Lou xxx
its quite an isolating place isn’t it. That’s what makes the forum so special.
i hope others out there have the confidence to post, we are ordinary women with a horrific experience.
i certainly want to access counselling.
i don’t want to loose hope in humanity just yet. I am a positive person so the last thing I want is to be angry. I am doing my best to take the advice and be kind to myself.
ny daughter is back at nursery next week so that should give me some head space. I am not ready to go back to work just yet.
I appreciate all the honest responses, yes divorce will be on the cards, I just hope once my ex sorts his employment I will be less worried about his situation and suicide risk. Like my social worker said he is an adult and can look after himself. Though I do feel huge is vulnerable and emotionally stupid. I can’t see any future other than he is my daughters dad.
i am cutting back on costs it’s a new way of living realising I will only have one wage. My partner will pay child support so that’s good but like I said I have this nagging feeling something bad will happen. That’s one of the things I will say to the doctor that I feel panicky. I have never had a panic attack but believe I am not myself all the time.
its positive to see how you all are navigating life, and we will be stronger for our children. I love a uk holiday, children don’t need expensive holidays and presents. They need their mums to be emotionally available and supportive to take an interest in their day. You all are giving me hope that I can do this.
love to all
Beth Lou xxx
Hi Beth Lou
I do understand how difficult this is, because I have been in the same boat re my partner (of 15 years) due to be charged with looking at indecent images of children.
What really brought it home to me was spending Christmas in US with my granddaughter who is an age which matches the age group he was looking at. And if I hadn't already felt sick to my stomach, I knew after that he had to be out of my life.
After the initial shock of the Knock, and the lies he first told about what had happened, which is when I changed the locks and threw him out, I started to feel some sort of compassion towards him. Like you, I couldn't reconcile these two men. The man who was kind and funny and clever and generous, who I loved. And this man who was exploring such a perverted path.
Seeing him about once a week and talking on the phone, I could almost pretend that the last seven months had been a bad dream. Plus it helped with the 'loneliness' I was experiencing. Missing him and our relationship so much. We both worked at home and were together 24/7. I still love the man I thought he was. But realise now that there was a side to him that was so dark, and so shocking, that I don't want him in my life. He hasn't shown any sign of doing something stupid, thank God. And he has somewhere to live, and I have my house back. (it was mine before he moved in, but I had to buy him out which was difficult.)
So I told him yesterday that I didn't want to be in touch anymore. In any way, shape or form. It's painful, but then seeing him was also becoming more painful as the reality of what he'd been doing for (according to him) the past two years had finally sunk in.
Counselling has been a life line. It's not cheap, but after seven months am still awaiting any sign of NHS counselling.
And my close knit circle of friends and grown up daughter means I have someone to call when I am struggling to cope.
So, here we all are in 2019. In a situation none of us can ever believe we'd be in.
But somehow we'll work our way through it, and process it, and rebuild our lives...because we have no choice.
Lots of love
Paula xx
I do understand how difficult this is, because I have been in the same boat re my partner (of 15 years) due to be charged with looking at indecent images of children.
What really brought it home to me was spending Christmas in US with my granddaughter who is an age which matches the age group he was looking at. And if I hadn't already felt sick to my stomach, I knew after that he had to be out of my life.
After the initial shock of the Knock, and the lies he first told about what had happened, which is when I changed the locks and threw him out, I started to feel some sort of compassion towards him. Like you, I couldn't reconcile these two men. The man who was kind and funny and clever and generous, who I loved. And this man who was exploring such a perverted path.
Seeing him about once a week and talking on the phone, I could almost pretend that the last seven months had been a bad dream. Plus it helped with the 'loneliness' I was experiencing. Missing him and our relationship so much. We both worked at home and were together 24/7. I still love the man I thought he was. But realise now that there was a side to him that was so dark, and so shocking, that I don't want him in my life. He hasn't shown any sign of doing something stupid, thank God. And he has somewhere to live, and I have my house back. (it was mine before he moved in, but I had to buy him out which was difficult.)
So I told him yesterday that I didn't want to be in touch anymore. In any way, shape or form. It's painful, but then seeing him was also becoming more painful as the reality of what he'd been doing for (according to him) the past two years had finally sunk in.
Counselling has been a life line. It's not cheap, but after seven months am still awaiting any sign of NHS counselling.
And my close knit circle of friends and grown up daughter means I have someone to call when I am struggling to cope.
So, here we all are in 2019. In a situation none of us can ever believe we'd be in.
But somehow we'll work our way through it, and process it, and rebuild our lives...because we have no choice.
Lots of love
Paula xx
Thanks so much.
i know I need some help with processing stuffs. I am really going to persue councilling.
I know I need it.
I don’t trust my partner that one thing is for sure if he lied through our relationship I think he is still living a lie now . Just is shamed he was caught.
my daughter is young too. I don’t have any information from police or children services yet but expecting the worse.
as I am at my mums I am waiting for him to move out which he needs to do before his bail date.
( I don’t mind so much as it’s been Christmas and I know he will move out)
i like how you call the dark side of their personality. It’s certainly that.
i know I need some help with processing stuffs. I am really going to persue councilling.
I know I need it.
I don’t trust my partner that one thing is for sure if he lied through our relationship I think he is still living a lie now . Just is shamed he was caught.
my daughter is young too. I don’t have any information from police or children services yet but expecting the worse.
as I am at my mums I am waiting for him to move out which he needs to do before his bail date.
( I don’t mind so much as it’s been Christmas and I know he will move out)
i like how you call the dark side of their personality. It’s certainly that.
Paula,
also forgot to ask how did he take the no contact thing. That is a massive step in your future life moving forward and it’s brave as shows you can put yourself first. But bet it was hard xxx
also forgot to ask how did he take the no contact thing. That is a massive step in your future life moving forward and it’s brave as shows you can put yourself first. But bet it was hard xxx
Hi Beth Lou
He took it fairly well, but is still making contact through texts. I'm not sure whether to reply, not reply or block him. But at the moment, am sending simple replies.
This is hard stuff.
x
He took it fairly well, but is still making contact through texts. I'm not sure whether to reply, not reply or block him. But at the moment, am sending simple replies.
This is hard stuff.
x
Paula, it’s got to be hard we have history with these men. They have their own demons . I think you know your situation best and whatever you decide know that we are all having same dilemmas.
short responses seem good. Your mental well-being is important and it means things are slowing down to a pace that’s manageable.
i think with so many of these men, they have so many secrets that those that they open up to do see them at there most vulnerable and they find it hard to give it up, my ex has very few close friends think he leans on me a lot.
Whatever you choose to do now and in the future don’t forget self care. I am just starting to make decision where I am first and like you aid it’s an incredibly difficult journey. There are lots of bends in the road.
i am going from my ex is an adult and responsible for his choices to he is very vulnerable with his own problems I hope he doesn’t kill him self and that’s a lot of pressure for us. I guess most women are worried about the mental health of our partners whether we are with them or not.
hope this makes sense. I get the stress of the situation and you should be pleased you can put some boundaries back in your relationship whether your have an ultimate aim of stopping contact or not.
short responses seem good. Your mental well-being is important and it means things are slowing down to a pace that’s manageable.
i think with so many of these men, they have so many secrets that those that they open up to do see them at there most vulnerable and they find it hard to give it up, my ex has very few close friends think he leans on me a lot.
Whatever you choose to do now and in the future don’t forget self care. I am just starting to make decision where I am first and like you aid it’s an incredibly difficult journey. There are lots of bends in the road.
i am going from my ex is an adult and responsible for his choices to he is very vulnerable with his own problems I hope he doesn’t kill him self and that’s a lot of pressure for us. I guess most women are worried about the mental health of our partners whether we are with them or not.
hope this makes sense. I get the stress of the situation and you should be pleased you can put some boundaries back in your relationship whether your have an ultimate aim of stopping contact or not.
Also please forgive my typos. Struggling on without proper computer. I guess I will need to buy myself a small tablet so can see the forum better.
I too had a dreadful Christmas, no longer numb (found out Nov 2018) but sick at heart. You are not alone, hence this site.
I can only go from day to day hour to hour sometimes.
Do you at times feel irrational fear? I do.
Be kind to yourself, that's what I have been told to do.
I can only go from day to day hour to hour sometimes.
Do you at times feel irrational fear? I do.
Be kind to yourself, that's what I have been told to do.
Hi loki
i really do. It comes in waves such as when I was walking in the park earlier I felt dry panicked. I am going to talk to the doctors about it. I know I need support processing it.
I know I need some emotional support managing the stress. Given the nature of the offence it’s not something I can talk to everyone about and I don’t want to keep bothering my one friend.
i think I need to spend time on my mental health talking to someone who has to listen to be go over things.
I am also taking it a day at a time. Though very fearful of how I am going to cope longer term.
i just can’t process it yet and when I think hard about the nature of the lies and how he must have had another personality to what I knew I feel sick again.
i know it will be a long journey but I want to get better and not be bitter.
love to all xx
i really do. It comes in waves such as when I was walking in the park earlier I felt dry panicked. I am going to talk to the doctors about it. I know I need support processing it.
I know I need some emotional support managing the stress. Given the nature of the offence it’s not something I can talk to everyone about and I don’t want to keep bothering my one friend.
i think I need to spend time on my mental health talking to someone who has to listen to be go over things.
I am also taking it a day at a time. Though very fearful of how I am going to cope longer term.
i just can’t process it yet and when I think hard about the nature of the lies and how he must have had another personality to what I knew I feel sick again.
i know it will be a long journey but I want to get better and not be bitter.
love to all xx