Telling work or not
Notifications OFF
So we had the second knock yesterday, after a nearly 19 month RUI. They asked if he wanted a second interview, with legal representation (he didn't have any the first time) and then they'll pass the case to the CPS.
I'm numb. I've no idea what to do, my brain has just shut down. I'm supposed to be working from home but I think that makes it harder cos there's no separation. I emailed my boss yesterday after the police left to say I'd need to have a few hours to deal with a "family emergency". I hate lying, but I can't tell him the truth. Have/would you tell HR? If I need more time, what do I say? I need to try and focus today, maybe get back to the 'normality' we'd built over the last year and a half.
I'm numb. I've no idea what to do, my brain has just shut down. I'm supposed to be working from home but I think that makes it harder cos there's no separation. I emailed my boss yesterday after the police left to say I'd need to have a few hours to deal with a "family emergency". I hate lying, but I can't tell him the truth. Have/would you tell HR? If I need more time, what do I say? I need to try and focus today, maybe get back to the 'normality' we'd built over the last year and a half.
I was in a similar situation since the court date for my partner kept changing which meant I was messing about with my leave. In the end I personally said someone close to me is due to be sentenced soon with a chance of a prison sentence hence the withdrawal and need for time off. My work didn't ask any more questions and in the end my partner got a suspended sentence. They didn't ask the outcome.
But if you do need a break from work you could try to ask an occupational health person at your work about your rights without giving too much away. Maybe the LF hotline could help? Also do you have to work from home? I know with covid it isn't advised but maybe a trip to the office a few days a week could help.
But if you do need a break from work you could try to ask an occupational health person at your work about your rights without giving too much away. Maybe the LF hotline could help? Also do you have to work from home? I know with covid it isn't advised but maybe a trip to the office a few days a week could help.
Just a word of warning... I've recently been disciplined at work for not disclosing my situation to them early enough (despite seeking advice from SS who at no point suggested that I needed to tell my employer). It's been a very long and stressful process and I foolishly didn't think I'd have a massive work issue to deal with in top of everything else!
Belle what is your line of work if you don't mind me asking?
I doubt my company need to know but I do sometimes needs to have a background check and detailed ones I believe can flag up I like with an offender.
I doubt my company need to know but I do sometimes needs to have a background check and detailed ones I believe can flag up I like with an offender.
I work for a charity and my role requires an enhanced DBS - hence the issue. Thankfully I've been cleared to return but the process was hideous...
It's really tricky isn't it because there is no clear cut guidance. Police when they come not that bothered often say don't need to be informed social services may refer to lado if you have children so best to get to employer beforehand.
association by discrimination is now not a thing I believe so shouldn't come up on DBS checks. Think this is different if you are a childminder
I think if you work with under 8s then you must disclose to employer. I have huge issues with this whole thing as why on earth because my children's father has been arrested for this is not my doing I have no involvement in it? i have had restrictions put on my job at the moment because we live together feel like they don't trust me, I've done nothing wrong but I'm being treated like this getting asked for updates like my life's a soap drama.
pleased to hear things have been finalised
association by discrimination is now not a thing I believe so shouldn't come up on DBS checks. Think this is different if you are a childminder
I think if you work with under 8s then you must disclose to employer. I have huge issues with this whole thing as why on earth because my children's father has been arrested for this is not my doing I have no involvement in it? i have had restrictions put on my job at the moment because we live together feel like they don't trust me, I've done nothing wrong but I'm being treated like this getting asked for updates like my life's a soap drama.
pleased to hear things have been finalised
Yes it's a nightmare. I don't work with under 8's and I'm not a childminder. I sought advice from my SW and LFF who at no point told me I needed to disclose my situation. We were also in the middle of lockdown, I was working from home so found it 'easier' to hide away. It wouldn't have been the same had I been in the office. My manager is also a gossip so that presented an extra dimension. I feel like I've been treated like I committed a crime too. My computer, phone and files were all taken away. Not an ounce of care and compassion. I suspect there will be ongoing issues with them placing restrictions on me wfh. I've also worked there many years with an exemplary record. I feel so disappointed and sad at how I've been treated.
I work in an FE college my role doesn't include direct work with students but police informed Lado who contacted my work so I was lucky I had already disclosed to my line manager about the knock. They did a risk assessment and have let me continue to work from home, I had to reset passwords on my devices and confirm that I've not shared them with my husband
now we have been notified of his charges and court date. I don't know what effect the charges are going to have on my job!
if I lose my job I will lose my house as can't afford it! It's never ending ripples of this situation!!
now we have been notified of his charges and court date. I don't know what effect the charges are going to have on my job!
if I lose my job I will lose my house as can't afford it! It's never ending ripples of this situation!!
I really don't think you will lose your job over this.... they'd be in a very sticky situation if so. Just continue to keep them informed about the process so you aren't deemed as hiding anything.
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BelleBee... Do you work for a children's based charity? I work for a charity as well and I'm very concerned about it.
Blackhound - no I don't but if you work for a charity and haven't disclosed your situation I would definitely advise you to do so. I barely told anyone because of the utter shame and humiliation and in hindsight I should have told my employers. Unfortunately we were in the middle of lockdown and I was working from home so well and truly hid away from everyone. I didn't even tell my close friends at the time.
Thanks for the advise BelleBee...
I know I should tell them but I'm not sure how to and the shame of it.
Dud you stay with your partner BelleBee as that's one reason I don't want to say anything...
I know I should tell them but I'm not sure how to and the shame of it.
Dud you stay with your partner BelleBee as that's one reason I don't want to say anything...
Hi we had knock on door 3 weeks ago from a live stream stinger group. It's been on social media ever since. His face name location. Allegations are chat with 13year ( was decoy). I told work as I work with the public. Been of off work for 2weeks holiday. Went back Monday and apart from my best friend, none of my colleagues are talking to me. OH was living in his car for a week as I didn't know what to think. During that week I had been talking to one police woman and concerns for his mental and physical health were raised. I made the decision to allow him back home. Now I'm not sure that was right thing to do either. I need my job ,I'm the only one working. He's been released from bail conditions, RUI. I couldn't watch the whole video but what I did watch, was him been bullied into confession. I have no one in my family I can talk to about this as my adult children all have seen the sting and have made up their minds about
Found out last night from supervisor that 1 colleague is approaching another colleague,whom wasn't aware, telling him about what had happen. All they care about is that I allowed my OH back home
Found out last night from supervisor that 1 colleague is approaching another colleague,whom wasn't aware, telling him about what had happen. All they care about is that I allowed my OH back home
Hi Samantha
It is a real shame you have been treated in this way. It is salacious gossip which your manager should put a stop to. I have been incredibly lucky by the support and understanding from my managers, though I too work with vulnerable people. In fact, though my husband has lost his job after telling his firm he had been charged for iioc, he was given severance pay as if he's been made redundant and colleagues were informed he had left for personal reasons - nothing else. Luckily we are both near retirement and have no children or close family, so we have to count ourselves lucky in many respects. I feel so desperately sorry for all the partners, mums, siblings and children of offenders who not only have to deal with what their lives one has done but the cruel judgement s of others.
You have done nothing wrong, but it's hard to know who you can trust. Here, and on Stop It 's phone lines people won't judge and they are really here to support you.
Take care.
It is a real shame you have been treated in this way. It is salacious gossip which your manager should put a stop to. I have been incredibly lucky by the support and understanding from my managers, though I too work with vulnerable people. In fact, though my husband has lost his job after telling his firm he had been charged for iioc, he was given severance pay as if he's been made redundant and colleagues were informed he had left for personal reasons - nothing else. Luckily we are both near retirement and have no children or close family, so we have to count ourselves lucky in many respects. I feel so desperately sorry for all the partners, mums, siblings and children of offenders who not only have to deal with what their lives one has done but the cruel judgement s of others.
You have done nothing wrong, but it's hard to know who you can trust. Here, and on Stop It 's phone lines people won't judge and they are really here to support you.
Take care.
Hi Judith
Thank you for your kind words. I had to make a formal complaint so the manager could deal with it. He had us both in the office and I was able to have my say about it. I broke down and cried but I told the other person exactly how I was feeling and that I had done nothing wrong. She was under the impression that I condoned OH actions. I put her straight that I most certainly didn't. His physical and mental health however are my concerns and it has nothing to do with anyone else. She was told to back off and mind her own business or else.
My OH was there for me when i had no-one and was at rock bottom. He built me up to face the world again. I am not turning my back on him when he has no-one else to help him get through this. I just hope that I have got the strength.
Thank you for your kind words. I had to make a formal complaint so the manager could deal with it. He had us both in the office and I was able to have my say about it. I broke down and cried but I told the other person exactly how I was feeling and that I had done nothing wrong. She was under the impression that I condoned OH actions. I put her straight that I most certainly didn't. His physical and mental health however are my concerns and it has nothing to do with anyone else. She was told to back off and mind her own business or else.
My OH was there for me when i had no-one and was at rock bottom. He built me up to face the world again. I am not turning my back on him when he has no-one else to help him get through this. I just hope that I have got the strength.
Hi Samantha
Well done you ! So pleased you felt able to stick up for yourself. Every step makes you stronger for the challenges ahead.
So many people have a very simplistic view of these offences. That is easy when they have no investment in a relationship and don't see the whole person.
My husband is a good person who has done a bad thing. At present we are waiting to hear if the Sheriff (we are in Scotland) will accept his guilty to fewer charges plea. Over the past nine months there cannot have been a day when I've not felt the whole gamut of emotions towards him and what he has done. That is completely natural. And our relationship will be different after this, however the next couple of years work out.
So remember to take care of yourself and hang on in there; it's a bumpy ride!
Well done you ! So pleased you felt able to stick up for yourself. Every step makes you stronger for the challenges ahead.
So many people have a very simplistic view of these offences. That is easy when they have no investment in a relationship and don't see the whole person.
My husband is a good person who has done a bad thing. At present we are waiting to hear if the Sheriff (we are in Scotland) will accept his guilty to fewer charges plea. Over the past nine months there cannot have been a day when I've not felt the whole gamut of emotions towards him and what he has done. That is completely natural. And our relationship will be different after this, however the next couple of years work out.
So remember to take care of yourself and hang on in there; it's a bumpy ride!
Hi Samantha
Well done you ! So pleased you felt able to stick up for yourself. Every step makes you stronger for the challenges ahead.
So many people have a very simplistic view of these offences. That is easy when they have no investment in a relationship and don't see the whole person.
My husband is a good person who has done a bad thing. At present we are waiting to hear if the Sheriff (we are in Scotland) will accept his guilty to fewer charges plea. Over the past nine months there cannot have been a day when I've not felt the whole gamut of emotions towards him and what he has done. That is completely natural. And our relationship will be different after this, however the next couple of years work out.
So remember to take care of yourself and hang on in there; it's a bumpy ride!
Well done you ! So pleased you felt able to stick up for yourself. Every step makes you stronger for the challenges ahead.
So many people have a very simplistic view of these offences. That is easy when they have no investment in a relationship and don't see the whole person.
My husband is a good person who has done a bad thing. At present we are waiting to hear if the Sheriff (we are in Scotland) will accept his guilty to fewer charges plea. Over the past nine months there cannot have been a day when I've not felt the whole gamut of emotions towards him and what he has done. That is completely natural. And our relationship will be different after this, however the next couple of years work out.
So remember to take care of yourself and hang on in there; it's a bumpy ride!
Hi Judith,
Only 5 weeks in from live sting and everything has fallen apart. Yes I had the strength to stand up for myself at work but my limbo just got worse. I'm about to loose my home because I have been sharing it with a friend of 18years. He moved out yesterday without warning. No apology or explanation. I can't pay for it on my own. This dark tunnel seems to get darker and longer. I have no idea where to turn to. Last night a Managed to get 2 hours sleep in all. I'm exhausted and it's making me ill. My anxiety is on all time high.
Now that we have to move out of the area, I have to ask work to put in a transfer to another store. However I'm now even more scared as they can't keep things secret and this situation is gonna follow me and I'll end up back to square one.
OH doesn't seem to understand just how this all is affecting me now. I find myself more alone then I have ever been in my entire life. To me this isn't just a bumpy ride it's a drop into a deep dark hole with no way out.
Only 5 weeks in from live sting and everything has fallen apart. Yes I had the strength to stand up for myself at work but my limbo just got worse. I'm about to loose my home because I have been sharing it with a friend of 18years. He moved out yesterday without warning. No apology or explanation. I can't pay for it on my own. This dark tunnel seems to get darker and longer. I have no idea where to turn to. Last night a Managed to get 2 hours sleep in all. I'm exhausted and it's making me ill. My anxiety is on all time high.
Now that we have to move out of the area, I have to ask work to put in a transfer to another store. However I'm now even more scared as they can't keep things secret and this situation is gonna follow me and I'll end up back to square one.
OH doesn't seem to understand just how this all is affecting me now. I find myself more alone then I have ever been in my entire life. To me this isn't just a bumpy ride it's a drop into a deep dark hole with no way out.
Lee is absolutely right. There are organisations out there that can help. Do speak with the helpline and your GP. You will be unable to look after anyone else if you become unwell.
There are also organisations which can advise you on benefits and your rights as a tenant such as Crisis and the CAB but even your local authority housing unit (Homeless Team) should be able to give some guidance.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. The repercussions of these sorts of crimes are immense. But none of this is your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. So do reach out to the people and organisations which can help.
Wish I had a magic wand but sending very best wishes.
There are also organisations which can advise you on benefits and your rights as a tenant such as Crisis and the CAB but even your local authority housing unit (Homeless Team) should be able to give some guidance.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. The repercussions of these sorts of crimes are immense. But none of this is your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. So do reach out to the people and organisations which can help.
Wish I had a magic wand but sending very best wishes.
Hi
Sorry not been on. Got in contact with GP and she put me on pills. Spoke to mental health support in hospital too. Gonna ask for some one on one counselling. Thought I had more time to tell my children but someone got there before me. Now all hell has broken out with my daughter. She don't wanna know and has told me never to contact her again. I disgust her allowing a paedophile to live under my roof. Just 1 step forward and 20 steps back . This rollercoaster seems to get bigger and longer. I just want this to be over but it just ain't gonna happen any time soon.
Sorry not been on. Got in contact with GP and she put me on pills. Spoke to mental health support in hospital too. Gonna ask for some one on one counselling. Thought I had more time to tell my children but someone got there before me. Now all hell has broken out with my daughter. She don't wanna know and has told me never to contact her again. I disgust her allowing a paedophile to live under my roof. Just 1 step forward and 20 steps back . This rollercoaster seems to get bigger and longer. I just want this to be over but it just ain't gonna happen any time soon.
I totally feel your frustration. Why should we be tarnished with the same brush. We ha e a worked hard for our careers, to then be questioned about our integrity because of our partners stupid decisions!
Indeed but some of us are been tainted with same brush. People are too quick to judge you on how we try to handle this situations that we have been put in.