What do I tell the kids?
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2 days ago my husband was arrested for accessing sites and downloading images.
I had no idea.
Our daughter was sexually assaulted by her grandad at the age of 5 and he was never charged.
My husband told police he was so angry and hurt and messed up, he thought if he could catch him in the act in one of those groups talking etc that he would have more evidence so they could get a conviction. And the more involved it became the darker it got. It was to do with a site called kik(?)
I asked police when he was arrested if they could bail him so he wouldn't be allowed home. I am already expecting social services involvement. He is not allowed to speak to the kids. Police said they believe he hasnt done anything to my children and they are inclined to believe him and they are supporting him.
He has moved up north for now to stay with family that have no kids. I have told only the kids schools in confidence because it wont be him that suffers if it gets out, it will be us.
But what do I tell the kids? They are 9 and 11.
I had no idea.
Our daughter was sexually assaulted by her grandad at the age of 5 and he was never charged.
My husband told police he was so angry and hurt and messed up, he thought if he could catch him in the act in one of those groups talking etc that he would have more evidence so they could get a conviction. And the more involved it became the darker it got. It was to do with a site called kik(?)
I asked police when he was arrested if they could bail him so he wouldn't be allowed home. I am already expecting social services involvement. He is not allowed to speak to the kids. Police said they believe he hasnt done anything to my children and they are inclined to believe him and they are supporting him.
He has moved up north for now to stay with family that have no kids. I have told only the kids schools in confidence because it wont be him that suffers if it gets out, it will be us.
But what do I tell the kids? They are 9 and 11.
Hello hunny. Welcome to the forum, sorry you find yourself here like the rest of us.
Your situation sounds so awful with what your daughter has already been through and your husbands head was understably very messed up from it.
We are over 4 months post knock. We have 2 children aged 8 and 14. I told them a little on the day of the knock as I naively thought and hoped that one of them had accidently downloaded something. I asked about naked pictures of children. Afterwards I told them there dad had done something horrible but he still loves them and is still there dad. It was 5 weeks before he could see them which was heart breaking for us all. Now we get to spend lots of time together as a family but he cannot stay with us over night.
The boys understand that we are together now but he cannot live here. He's been staying with his parents but is now going to get his own place for now. We told the boys today which was very tough.
Parents protect website has information about what to disclose to children.
Take care and the best advice I was ever given is... Take a day at a time. Also keep taking. Xxxx
Your situation sounds so awful with what your daughter has already been through and your husbands head was understably very messed up from it.
We are over 4 months post knock. We have 2 children aged 8 and 14. I told them a little on the day of the knock as I naively thought and hoped that one of them had accidently downloaded something. I asked about naked pictures of children. Afterwards I told them there dad had done something horrible but he still loves them and is still there dad. It was 5 weeks before he could see them which was heart breaking for us all. Now we get to spend lots of time together as a family but he cannot stay with us over night.
The boys understand that we are together now but he cannot live here. He's been staying with his parents but is now going to get his own place for now. We told the boys today which was very tough.
Parents protect website has information about what to disclose to children.
Take care and the best advice I was ever given is... Take a day at a time. Also keep taking. Xxxx
Hi. I have never been on a group like this before.
I feel it's my fault. I have an older daughter who disclosed and I reported him many years ago. He always denied it and we worked with police and social etc and he was told there was no case to answer. I was pregnant with my youngest then, we had nearly 3 years of social involvement, all my kids were on at risk register. He moved home when my girl was 2. Signed off just shy of her 3rd birthday.Turns out it was grandad that was the predator, they have the same name. We found out when my little one was 5 and disclosed and was clear it was grandad, my older girl adored her stepdad but would avoid grandad, everything made sense then. Hubby had always protested his innocence.i reported him. He wasnt charged. Hubby blamed himself. I dont know why hes saying he was trying to prove to others who was doing stuff and get info etc. He wants me to believe him but I cant accept what hes done. After all we had already been through he did what he did. It was suggested to me it can be genetic. I have done work with nspcc and a partners programme previously but it was under my nose.it was at least a year. I have told him I cant have a relationship with him. I am speaking to him as I am concerned for his wellbeing and hes still their dad but we are the ones that deal with the fallout. Sorry long ramble that probably makes no sense. Thankyou for your message. Please take care x
I feel it's my fault. I have an older daughter who disclosed and I reported him many years ago. He always denied it and we worked with police and social etc and he was told there was no case to answer. I was pregnant with my youngest then, we had nearly 3 years of social involvement, all my kids were on at risk register. He moved home when my girl was 2. Signed off just shy of her 3rd birthday.Turns out it was grandad that was the predator, they have the same name. We found out when my little one was 5 and disclosed and was clear it was grandad, my older girl adored her stepdad but would avoid grandad, everything made sense then. Hubby had always protested his innocence.i reported him. He wasnt charged. Hubby blamed himself. I dont know why hes saying he was trying to prove to others who was doing stuff and get info etc. He wants me to believe him but I cant accept what hes done. After all we had already been through he did what he did. It was suggested to me it can be genetic. I have done work with nspcc and a partners programme previously but it was under my nose.it was at least a year. I have told him I cant have a relationship with him. I am speaking to him as I am concerned for his wellbeing and hes still their dad but we are the ones that deal with the fallout. Sorry long ramble that probably makes no sense. Thankyou for your message. Please take care x
I have 4 children who were 19,11,7 and 4 when the knock happened just over 2 years ago. They were here when the police came.
I told them that Daddy had done something naughty online that the police weren't happy with and they needed to look in to it a bit more. I did compare it to the naughty step and that I wasn't happy with Daddy so have given him time out at Nana's house. Looking back now I shouldn't have really as for a long time they blamed me for not letting Daddy live at home. I didn't and haven't gone in to any more detail with the 3 youngest.
I am 2 years since the knock and honestly, looking back now I would get annoyed at people posting on here saying in time it does get better. For months I felt lost and numb and never thought we'd move on but you do. It does get easier, the panic does ease and your new life does start to feel better x
I told them that Daddy had done something naughty online that the police weren't happy with and they needed to look in to it a bit more. I did compare it to the naughty step and that I wasn't happy with Daddy so have given him time out at Nana's house. Looking back now I shouldn't have really as for a long time they blamed me for not letting Daddy live at home. I didn't and haven't gone in to any more detail with the 3 youngest.
I am 2 years since the knock and honestly, looking back now I would get annoyed at people posting on here saying in time it does get better. For months I felt lost and numb and never thought we'd move on but you do. It does get easier, the panic does ease and your new life does start to feel better x
At the moment I am business as usual except they cant have any contact with him. I have told him I am done with us but I am trying to support him. Hes not a well man with his health atm and now hes on bail, hundreds of miles from his family. He is going through every emotion going. I am not giving him false hope but I also dont want him topping himself because he feels it's his only way out. It's all his own doing regardless of his reasons. My 9 year old came out of school upset today because her classmate heard her talking about her worries to a teacher. She told her she was ugly and she was glad she wasnt her because her dad wasnt in prison. Obviously hes not because they havent even charged him yet. Sadly my 9year old was here for the knock and search of house,I tried to keep her in her room but she saw what was going on. She got to say bye to daddy but my boy had already left for school.
I have told them he is helping police with their investigation and he has done some very wrong things but I havent and dont think they need details. Do you think that's ok?
I have told them he is helping police with their investigation and he has done some very wrong things but I havent and dont think they need details. Do you think that's ok?
Trytokeepitnormal - Absolutley. they are too young to be able to process what he has actually done. Even at 14 (my eldest Son) isn't mature enought to understand the depths of what his Dad has done. I am 41 and can't get my head around it all! Mine really know the bare minimum and that he can't be unsupervised with them. We are 2 years in now and it is second nature to them all. Very sad but this is their 'new normal'.
If you don't think it at the minute let me tell you, YOU ARE DOING A FAB JOB!
If you don't think it at the minute let me tell you, YOU ARE DOING A FAB JOB!
KLK
Thankyou, I feel I am being a bit harsh to their dad. Have told him I wont stay in a relationship with him. I said if the time comes and he is allowed a relationship with our children that I wont stop him and will support as I know best. I think that's a long way off yet, I have a gut feeling he will do prison time regardless of his excuses. He still hasnt been charged yet but I know their intelligence suggested it was Cat A which is the worst. My boy has been in trouble all week at school, he is so angry. I have asked for help to manage it in school. At home I can cope with him. I have more time for him than they do. I think they forget it's their own kids that suffer for their actions.
Thankyou, I feel I am being a bit harsh to their dad. Have told him I wont stay in a relationship with him. I said if the time comes and he is allowed a relationship with our children that I wont stop him and will support as I know best. I think that's a long way off yet, I have a gut feeling he will do prison time regardless of his excuses. He still hasnt been charged yet but I know their intelligence suggested it was Cat A which is the worst. My boy has been in trouble all week at school, he is so angry. I have asked for help to manage it in school. At home I can cope with him. I have more time for him than they do. I think they forget it's their own kids that suffer for their actions.
My daughter is 17, and up to now she doesn't know anything we had the knock in March and we told her that her dad was being investigated for online crimes but now we have a date for magistrates court in Jan. Don't know when to tell her and what to tell her?
It's a difficult one. Shes really at an age where you could tell her what he has done. She will understand the seriousness of it but it will also hurt her so much. Have you not had much input from social services?
It is so hard to know what to say, isnt it?
It is so hard to know what to say, isnt it?
Social services have had very limited involvement due to her age, they came and visited to do safe environment check during lock down and we did a safe plan but they supported our decision to not tell her at that point as due to lockdown no support networks available.
Really don't know how much to tell her, it is going to ruin their relationship but she does need to know before court
Really don't know how much to tell her, it is going to ruin their relationship but she does need to know before court