Broken, lost, confused...
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Hi everyone,
So, in July this year I was stuck in the UK, seperated from my husband and toddler due to the COVID-19 situation. As you might imagine my mental health wasn't great as a result of that. As a result I was staying at my dad's house until I coudl return.
Anyhow, one morning I was woken up to loud banging at the door which turned out to be the police coming with a search warrant and to arrest my dad on suspiscion of accessing indecent images. When the officer in charge told me this, I just sat there in a bubble of confusion, sadness, sickness, anger, so many conflicting emotions. As I had been staying there I asked whether they needed to check my devices. Due to me being there for 3 months they said it wasn't neccessary but they would do so as a precaution; which they did on the spot. It left me thinking how long had this been going on for?
Two of the officers then took my dad in for questioning, while the other 3 remained and collected up the devices. The officers were honestly brilliant trying to take my mind off all that was happening and trying to keep me calm.
4 months on and I still can't shake that day and I don't think I ever will. It has led to an increase in my anxiety and panic attacks, which I am seeking help for. There are times when I feel my dad is guilty and then I feel angry and then are times I think what if he's not guilty and I feel disgusted in myself for thinking he is guilty. I've tried to speak about the situation with my dad - or at least get him to talk to another family member - but each time he buries his head in the sand. I feel like all of this in on my shoulders, as I only have my mum (who is divorced from my dad) to talk to about it. This makes me angry at how selfish my dad is being, but then again, he could be on shock. I just don't know.
Anyhow, I'm grateful to have found this forum as it has been cathartic writing about what has happened and it has been a comfort to know I'm not alone in all this; knowing others have been and are still going through this.
So, in July this year I was stuck in the UK, seperated from my husband and toddler due to the COVID-19 situation. As you might imagine my mental health wasn't great as a result of that. As a result I was staying at my dad's house until I coudl return.
Anyhow, one morning I was woken up to loud banging at the door which turned out to be the police coming with a search warrant and to arrest my dad on suspiscion of accessing indecent images. When the officer in charge told me this, I just sat there in a bubble of confusion, sadness, sickness, anger, so many conflicting emotions. As I had been staying there I asked whether they needed to check my devices. Due to me being there for 3 months they said it wasn't neccessary but they would do so as a precaution; which they did on the spot. It left me thinking how long had this been going on for?
Two of the officers then took my dad in for questioning, while the other 3 remained and collected up the devices. The officers were honestly brilliant trying to take my mind off all that was happening and trying to keep me calm.
4 months on and I still can't shake that day and I don't think I ever will. It has led to an increase in my anxiety and panic attacks, which I am seeking help for. There are times when I feel my dad is guilty and then I feel angry and then are times I think what if he's not guilty and I feel disgusted in myself for thinking he is guilty. I've tried to speak about the situation with my dad - or at least get him to talk to another family member - but each time he buries his head in the sand. I feel like all of this in on my shoulders, as I only have my mum (who is divorced from my dad) to talk to about it. This makes me angry at how selfish my dad is being, but then again, he could be on shock. I just don't know.
Anyhow, I'm grateful to have found this forum as it has been cathartic writing about what has happened and it has been a comfort to know I'm not alone in all this; knowing others have been and are still going through this.
Hi broken
I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. I can't imagine how it feel to be in this situation with your dad. Exactly the same as you but it was my bf the police came looking for. I also completely feel all of your above, the shock, the grief, the anxiety of it all. Some days are good others are awful. Like your dad my bf is reluctant to talk about it and it's making my decision easier to walk away. I don't know how iv survived all of this since the knock in june.its horrendous. Best advice iv been given so far I to take each day as it comes, not think too far ahead and lots of self care. My bf was charged a few weeks ago and is awaiting court. I can't bear it all I really can't. Keep talking on here and phone the helpline they do help. Iv referred myself for council long yesterday as I feel like my heads falling off. I hope you have support from your husband and mum. Best wishes and I hope your staying safe and strong for your little one x x x
I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. I can't imagine how it feel to be in this situation with your dad. Exactly the same as you but it was my bf the police came looking for. I also completely feel all of your above, the shock, the grief, the anxiety of it all. Some days are good others are awful. Like your dad my bf is reluctant to talk about it and it's making my decision easier to walk away. I don't know how iv survived all of this since the knock in june.its horrendous. Best advice iv been given so far I to take each day as it comes, not think too far ahead and lots of self care. My bf was charged a few weeks ago and is awaiting court. I can't bear it all I really can't. Keep talking on here and phone the helpline they do help. Iv referred myself for council long yesterday as I feel like my heads falling off. I hope you have support from your husband and mum. Best wishes and I hope your staying safe and strong for your little one x x x
Thank you Yazznan, it means a lot to see what you have to say and the advice you've given.
I don't think it's helping that when I do try and approach the situation that I'm shut down as I'm now constantly paranoid when he doesn't answer the phone that something has happened or that I'll end up reading about it on local paper's newsite. I am trying to carry on as normal as possible, and as you say some days are great and then others I feel like my whole world has been destroyed. I just feel at the moment that there will never be an end to it, but I know deep down that that's not true, or at least I hope so.
I don't think it's helping that when I do try and approach the situation that I'm shut down as I'm now constantly paranoid when he doesn't answer the phone that something has happened or that I'll end up reading about it on local paper's newsite. I am trying to carry on as normal as possible, and as you say some days are great and then others I feel like my whole world has been destroyed. I just feel at the moment that there will never be an end to it, but I know deep down that that's not true, or at least I hope so.
Hi broken.
I totally agree by feeling shut down they arnt allowing us to make sense and process the situation what we have not asked to be put in. Iv called him all the selfish @%&%s going I said how do I even begin to try and comprehend it if you won't even talk about it. He just says there's nothing else to say iv told you before.
It's just a shitty ride to be on. Has your dad been charged yet or won't he say what they are accusing him of? How did your mum take it?
I know what you mean about feeling the guilt. I have days we're I feel like I need to be there for him then other days I hate him for putting me in this sutiation. But then I worry for his mental health as he literally has noone else and won't talk to his family. I worry they also will find out through the paper. How devastating would that be for his family to find out that way.
Iv gone as far as getting a clare's law to try and see if the police will tell me anything else about him as for the first few weeks I really doubted what he would tell me. They confirmed there were no further crimes in his history. But I have been told I can apply for sarah's law which will tell me how high of a risk he is towards children as I have youngsters iny family. Never in a million years did I think I'd be writing in a group like this, seeking Councillor and guidance to try and save my sanity.
Keep strong
Yaz x
I totally agree by feeling shut down they arnt allowing us to make sense and process the situation what we have not asked to be put in. Iv called him all the selfish @%&%s going I said how do I even begin to try and comprehend it if you won't even talk about it. He just says there's nothing else to say iv told you before.
It's just a shitty ride to be on. Has your dad been charged yet or won't he say what they are accusing him of? How did your mum take it?
I know what you mean about feeling the guilt. I have days we're I feel like I need to be there for him then other days I hate him for putting me in this sutiation. But then I worry for his mental health as he literally has noone else and won't talk to his family. I worry they also will find out through the paper. How devastating would that be for his family to find out that way.
Iv gone as far as getting a clare's law to try and see if the police will tell me anything else about him as for the first few weeks I really doubted what he would tell me. They confirmed there were no further crimes in his history. But I have been told I can apply for sarah's law which will tell me how high of a risk he is towards children as I have youngsters iny family. Never in a million years did I think I'd be writing in a group like this, seeking Councillor and guidance to try and save my sanity.
Keep strong
Yaz x
Hi Yazznan,
It is such an awful situation and I can say I've probably reacted in similar ways towards my dad shutting down. Currently (or at least as far as I know) he's been released pending investigation, accused of accessing indecent images but that's all I know. My mum is in a state of shock also, but she doesn't seem to be as affected by it all as myself, as they've been divorced 20 years.
I have wondered that if he is charged and convicted, would the police contact me or a family member to let us know or would it be down to him? Would he be able to leave the country to visit myself? Would that even be safe? Like youself I don't think I ever envisioned myself to be in this position.
Keep strong too x
It is such an awful situation and I can say I've probably reacted in similar ways towards my dad shutting down. Currently (or at least as far as I know) he's been released pending investigation, accused of accessing indecent images but that's all I know. My mum is in a state of shock also, but she doesn't seem to be as affected by it all as myself, as they've been divorced 20 years.
I have wondered that if he is charged and convicted, would the police contact me or a family member to let us know or would it be down to him? Would he be able to leave the country to visit myself? Would that even be safe? Like youself I don't think I ever envisioned myself to be in this position.
Keep strong too x
Hi broken
I think his shutting me down has made this difficult situation so much harder in some ways. If he would just talk I think you could maybe come to terms?
It's probably a coping mechanism for them but selfish for those around. In a way it's kind of good it's not affecting your mum as bad.
I'm regards to charges I asked the police officer who did the 'knock' would I find out from them or him what the charges are and he said we are not at liberty to contact you to tell you what the charge is however it may be made public knowledge if he is charged. My heart sank. Iv lived such an honest life and to hear that was more than devastating.
In his case he was charged 3 weeks ago and is awaiting court date for plea.
I know when charged sarah's law can be applied for and that explains any charges and what risks are imposed if any.
In regards to travel I have learnt that some countries are a no go if they are placed on a register. Some countries are fine but you have to declare where you are staying etc depending on your sopo /sor. Before punishments are even served there a multiple punishments that will follow like motor or home insurances need to declare criminal convictions. I'm slowly learning It int as clean cut as a sentence it's the aftermath. Sorry to sound negative but I thought what I have found out may be of help for the knowledge x x
I think his shutting me down has made this difficult situation so much harder in some ways. If he would just talk I think you could maybe come to terms?
It's probably a coping mechanism for them but selfish for those around. In a way it's kind of good it's not affecting your mum as bad.
I'm regards to charges I asked the police officer who did the 'knock' would I find out from them or him what the charges are and he said we are not at liberty to contact you to tell you what the charge is however it may be made public knowledge if he is charged. My heart sank. Iv lived such an honest life and to hear that was more than devastating.
In his case he was charged 3 weeks ago and is awaiting court date for plea.
I know when charged sarah's law can be applied for and that explains any charges and what risks are imposed if any.
In regards to travel I have learnt that some countries are a no go if they are placed on a register. Some countries are fine but you have to declare where you are staying etc depending on your sopo /sor. Before punishments are even served there a multiple punishments that will follow like motor or home insurances need to declare criminal convictions. I'm slowly learning It int as clean cut as a sentence it's the aftermath. Sorry to sound negative but I thought what I have found out may be of help for the knowledge x x
Hi Yazznan
Thank you! At this moment in time even negative news is welcomed as at least then I can get an understanding of what to expect. x
Thank you! At this moment in time even negative news is welcomed as at least then I can get an understanding of what to expect. x