When people find out how do they treat you?
Notifications OFF
I know its early days yet. Our knock only came on tuesday. My youngest has had grief at school already, she was here when they came. She went into school telling a few select friends police had come and took daddy away. I had already told her to talk to the grown ups at school who knew what was happening. Shes only 9, she trusts friends. Coming home yesterday she tells me one girl is being mean and said shes glad shes not her because shes ugly and her dad is in prison. Obviously hes not, not even charged yet. But this is a 9 year old.
How do adults treat you and your kids if it gets to be public knowledge about the offending? Arent we victims too? I dont live in a great area and I am a little worried about repercussions even though hes left the county.
How do adults treat you and your kids if it gets to be public knowledge about the offending? Arent we victims too? I dont live in a great area and I am a little worried about repercussions even though hes left the county.
Hi
Im sorry for what you and your little one are going through. My case is slightly different as it was my adult son who offended. He is currently in prison because of a communication offence. When the first happened people where we lived said nothing to me or his dad but we were paranoid that people were sniggering all the time. Whether they were or not I've no idea.we moved to a new area 3 to 4 weeks after it happened because I couldn't settle at all staying put. Our daughter moved as well. She has a little boy ready for school next year. My biggest fear is that it gets out here in our new area when our son comes hone. I'm worried for us but mostly for my grandson as I know how very cruel kids can be at school. I'm sorry I can't really offer much advice except to try talking to the school about it . Lots of ladies on here have said the school have been very good and supportive x
Im sorry for what you and your little one are going through. My case is slightly different as it was my adult son who offended. He is currently in prison because of a communication offence. When the first happened people where we lived said nothing to me or his dad but we were paranoid that people were sniggering all the time. Whether they were or not I've no idea.we moved to a new area 3 to 4 weeks after it happened because I couldn't settle at all staying put. Our daughter moved as well. She has a little boy ready for school next year. My biggest fear is that it gets out here in our new area when our son comes hone. I'm worried for us but mostly for my grandson as I know how very cruel kids can be at school. I'm sorry I can't really offer much advice except to try talking to the school about it . Lots of ladies on here have said the school have been very good and supportive x
I’ve only told people I trust. My son is nearly 8 and is autistic ( my ex is not his biological father but was a part of his life) I explained in terms of him being mentally unwell , but not the nature of the offence or that he’d been arrested ( entire street and School would know otherwise as he loves to chat)
The people that I’ve told so far have all been shocked but extremely supportive . I sometimes think of telling my neighbours who are absolutely lovely and have helped me loads through lockdown, my pregnancy and early days after my daughter was born , but then I panic that they would judge me and not want anything to do with me anymore. I know it’s irrational, but I still feel tainted by what my ex did. If it’s reported in the paper/ online then it’s out there and I’ll have to deal with that.
Im sorry for what you and your children are going through. Xx
The people that I’ve told so far have all been shocked but extremely supportive . I sometimes think of telling my neighbours who are absolutely lovely and have helped me loads through lockdown, my pregnancy and early days after my daughter was born , but then I panic that they would judge me and not want anything to do with me anymore. I know it’s irrational, but I still feel tainted by what my ex did. If it’s reported in the paper/ online then it’s out there and I’ll have to deal with that.
Im sorry for what you and your children are going through. Xx
Thankyou Ladies. It's so hard isnt it. I actually told my mum today, she took it better than I expected and is being very supportive. Before years ago when i had some issues i kept it from her and she heard from someone else. I feel that somehow it is my fault that i didnt realise what he was doing. He was always secretive with his phone and tablet pc, always password and fingerprint protected. But you just dont think it could be that.
I am waiting to see if he gets charged. I have already decided he isnt coming home. But if he gets charged then I will have the conversation with other family and friends. I cant help how they will behave or react but hopefully they will be decent human beings who understand the kids and I are not the offender.
Have most of you stayed with the offender?
I am thinking I am being harsh and I am talking to him letting him know kids are ok, worrying for his health and making sure hes doing what hes supposed to be but I cant have him back. Does that make sense?
I am waiting to see if he gets charged. I have already decided he isnt coming home. But if he gets charged then I will have the conversation with other family and friends. I cant help how they will behave or react but hopefully they will be decent human beings who understand the kids and I are not the offender.
Have most of you stayed with the offender?
I am thinking I am being harsh and I am talking to him letting him know kids are ok, worrying for his health and making sure hes doing what hes supposed to be but I cant have him back. Does that make sense?
Trytokeepitnormal - I feel the same way. I ended the relationship and havnt seen him in 7 months. I can’t forgive him and I don’t trust him, but I do love him and worry about his wellbeing. I sometimes feel that I’ve been too harsh, but then other days the pain he has caused me and my children makes me want to bloody kill him. It’s not black and white is it. Xx
Marie,
It most definitely isnt. He has blamed me tonight for his offending. Said I hadnt listened and didnt understand why he did it. But I said it didnt matter why but that he had done it. And it was wrong. I think he might be drunk. I said i would speak to him tomorrow.
It worries me that if things dont go his way he acts out. His outburst tonight was because I dared to tell my mum what had happened.
Do police help you through the process? I am genuinely worried he will try to come back. I don't want him. I can never get past what he has done. I know its early days but after all we went through to do that, he knew what he was doing.
It most definitely isnt. He has blamed me tonight for his offending. Said I hadnt listened and didnt understand why he did it. But I said it didnt matter why but that he had done it. And it was wrong. I think he might be drunk. I said i would speak to him tomorrow.
It worries me that if things dont go his way he acts out. His outburst tonight was because I dared to tell my mum what had happened.
Do police help you through the process? I am genuinely worried he will try to come back. I don't want him. I can never get past what he has done. I know its early days but after all we went through to do that, he knew what he was doing.
The police actually seemed to feel sorry for my ex. Said he could still see my son etc, and that he had assured them he wasnt attracted to children (?!) I was in shock and remember saying ‘no way, im not letting him anywhere near my son’ We didn’t live together at that point thankfully. I have been asked by social services and my GP if I felt safe or was worried he would turn up, and if so to contact the police straight away.
Blaming you is shameful, He did this and is responsible for his actions, not you. I imagine he is panicking and in shock.Please speak to the police if you are worried that he may try to come back to the house. Xx
Blaming you is shameful, He did this and is responsible for his actions, not you. I imagine he is panicking and in shock.Please speak to the police if you are worried that he may try to come back to the house. Xx
Sorry, I went off track again ...
The police havnt helped me through the process no. They did tell me about Lucy faithful ( which has proved invaluable these past 7/8 months) but they wouldn't disclose any details of his offence other than saying 1 cat D image. They havnt offered any other support. I managed to get counselling through StopSo which has been amazing . They may be worth contacting too. X
The police havnt helped me through the process no. They did tell me about Lucy faithful ( which has proved invaluable these past 7/8 months) but they wouldn't disclose any details of his offence other than saying 1 cat D image. They havnt offered any other support. I managed to get counselling through StopSo which has been amazing . They may be worth contacting too. X
Marie.
I didnt know much until someone from MASH(?) Called and said in would be assigned a social worker and as it was cat A he would not be allowed contact with kids or to return home. When I said I had already told police at time of his arrest I didnt want him home and for them to take his keys they seemed surprised. Yet at their strategy meeting they decide I might not be strong enough to keep my children safe. My experience of social services over the last 9 years hasnt been great.
I am just taking it a day at a time. I really believe hes not in a great place mentally and worry he might do something and I told them that. I think telling the kids hes done that is worse than telling them what he has done. He could work with agencies and other people to be able to have a relationship with them in the future but he cant see past that he will be getting charged and that he cant talk to his kids.
I didnt know much until someone from MASH(?) Called and said in would be assigned a social worker and as it was cat A he would not be allowed contact with kids or to return home. When I said I had already told police at time of his arrest I didnt want him home and for them to take his keys they seemed surprised. Yet at their strategy meeting they decide I might not be strong enough to keep my children safe. My experience of social services over the last 9 years hasnt been great.
I am just taking it a day at a time. I really believe hes not in a great place mentally and worry he might do something and I told them that. I think telling the kids hes done that is worse than telling them what he has done. He could work with agencies and other people to be able to have a relationship with them in the future but he cant see past that he will be getting charged and that he cant talk to his kids.
Has he called the Lucy Faithfull helpline? They can give him practical advice and support. I was worried about my ex harming himself too, he was in a right state, but once the shock wore off he was much calmer and started to access all the support and therapy he could. I think that keeps him on a level.
Xx
Xx
He said that he looked. That's probably all he did. I kept being reminded I am not his mum and I need to let him work out his own life and I need to worry about myself and the kids. I am obviously but you don't just switch off caring.