Family and Friends Forum

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

501 posts

Posted Thu October 8, 2020 9:25amReport post

Husbands case has now been passed to CPS after 15 months. No second interview. Police informed his solicitor of this.

He was arrested after a vigilnante sting. He is accused of communicating with a 13 year old girl, who was a decoy, and went to meet her.

i have now learned that he was meeting sex workers and other women he met through chat rooms. I am still hoping and praying that it was clearly entrapment as therapy and physiological evaluation show no attraction to children but a clear porn/sex addiction of which I had no idea.

Still find myself in total shock about this even this far down the road. X

KLK

Member since
October 2018

99 posts

Posted Thu October 8, 2020 11:37amReport post

Hi Tabs,

My Husband was in a conversation with an undercover police officer. CPS initlaly said it was entrapment and delayed his hearing, however, it was clear he went looking for it (any type of sex chat to be honest) so that didn't stand. Nobody with a name tag as 'dirtyfella4u' was out looking for gardening ideas were they?!!!! My Husband was also off having sex with anything that moved, god knows how many people he was with over the years and I didn't have a clue. I also didn't know about his porn addiction either, it was way more than I could ever have imagined. He hid it so well. Looking back now, his sex addiction was obvious but at the time I wasn't so aware of the signs.

Edited Thu October 8, 2020 11:37am

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

501 posts

Posted Thu October 8, 2020 12:50pmReport post

Thank you for replying KLK. Whilst I am sad for you that you are suffering this too, I am also so relieved to find someone else on this forum where there were also actual real life hook ups. I have been feeling that I am alone in my situation here. As you say, all of it was completely hidden. I had absolutely no idea. My therapist has reassured my by saying why wouldn't we trust our partners?? We had an adult relationship not a parent child one! I thought we were very happy, and he says we were, other than his addiction which escalated with his stress.

I have tried to look back at your story, but couldn't find what the outcome was for your husband. Or is it still ongoing?

What my husband did is unacceptable on so many levels. But I still still can't shake off the feeling that children are very unlikely to go into adult sites and actually interact. My husband says he never changed his age, why would a child look for a sexual relationship with a man the age of their grandparents!!!....I guess I will never know the reality of it unless I can see and read all the evidence. It truly messes with my brain!
take care x

Edited Thu October 8, 2020 2:15pm

majestictopaz15

Member since
December 2019

371 posts

Posted Fri October 9, 2020 1:53pmReport post

It is interesting what you say Tabs about why would adults go to adult chat rooms and apps and think genuine Children would be there and wanting to meet with adults.

I had asked this of my partner. Said surely he didn't expect to be really talking to underage children. He explained that for him it was all a fantasy....he expected that he was also talking to adults pretending to be children (he also did this to get attention from men). There are even cases where too adults catfish each other as pretending to be kids! I really don't get it. It was never clear from my partner's cases if he ever actually spoke to a child. It is all about the intent that is ofc the offence.

I have seen some people say that offenders defend themselves saying they knew the person on the other end wasnt a child but went along with it or tried to catch them out.

Unfortunately my partner was good at pretending to be underage but it was what got him in the end. Reported for sending iioc in a chat when he pretended to be an underage girl.....

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

501 posts

Posted Sat October 10, 2020 10:57amReport post

majestictopaz15, thanks for your reply. I'm not sure what to think about anything! My husband is so ashamed of what he was doing I doubt I'll get any detailed answers. Not helped by his solicitor refusing to get into details until a charge is made then only on 'evidence'. His therapist is majoring on what he is accused of, rather than what he may or may not have done. He tells me it was a porn addiction, then breakdown leading to real life hook ups with women on line. He says he knew that it felt like he was being played by vigilantes, so why then did he go to meet them?!!! It's so messed up!

I now have days where I try to get on with my life, then others, like today, where I am consumed by it and spend most of the time upset. It's hard to deal with on top of 'normal' problems, where we would have dealt with them together. As we had been together so long, it's him I want to turn to, but it's him that has caused me all this hurt and pain.

Mabel

Member since
June 2019

208 posts

Posted Sun October 11, 2020 9:36amReport post

Hi Tabs
I'm glad to read you are having a bit better days, when I feel bad I just plan on what I'm doing for the next hour, I can't think any further ahead than that.
My partner was unfaithful to me as well I'm very sure, he had a dating app on his phone and I'm sure he met women. He was going out a lot after work and coming home drunk a lot, some weeks nearly every night. No consideration for me or our son. It seems to go with the territory of these men.

Im sure I have mentioned before???? my partner was arrested at the meeting place as well, after chatting with vigilantes to what he thought was a 14 year old girl. We are still in limbo tho, still Rui after 2 years and 4 months!
I wish you all the best every day and you are not alone in this, we are here for you .



Mabel xxx

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

501 posts

Posted Sun October 11, 2020 1:41pmReport post

Thank you Mabel. It's so awful isn't it to know that they betrayed us in every way. Understanding about the addiction helps make sense of it, but doesn't remove the hurt. I now wonder if we really know anybody. I think I was probably too naive and trusting. I was always honest and loya and thought others were too, especially my husband!

I know you've been waiting a long time....a ridiculously long time. It's inhuman. I felt like we were waiting for far too long to get to this point! Solicitors said not to rely on this being dealt with quickly at all but there are 'exceptions'.



I hope you are coping ok. I think of you and others often. You gave me strength at the start of my journey. Thank you! xxx

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

501 posts

Posted Sun December 13, 2020 4:27pmReport post

So the dreaded news. Husband is to attend court in January. It seems that they have found evidence of 'just' the vigilante sting. 2 charges. Now over to the solicitors. It's terrifying. I guess I'm 'lucky' in that he lives some distance away and my community are very aware that he does not live with me. However, it does not stop me from worrying about him.

Blackhound

Member since
October 2020

474 posts

Posted Tue December 15, 2020 7:15pmReport post

Sorry to hear that Tabs... I hope things go 'well' in the court case... Or as best they can in this situation...

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

501 posts

Posted Tue December 15, 2020 9:38pmReport post

Thank you Blackhound, I can't help but to cling onto any piece of hope, and then when it's dashed it hits me hard all over again! But it doesn't stop me from continuing that hope at each stage. This really is one awful journey, through no fault of us partners and families. X

Tabs

Member since
November 2019

501 posts

Posted Tue February 23, 2021 11:22amReport post

He has been to court, pleaded guilty, as the evidence is clear, ‘she’ wrote in messages that ‘she’was 13. His messed up mind didn’t even register it. ‘She’ sent a photo of ‘herself’, 18 year old, according to the decoy.....covering herself against being charged for illegal images, or was it really a pic of someone aged 18??? she spoke to him on the phone - actual age 30! I heard her on the video, clearly a full grown woman who smoked!! He never pretended to be anyone other than who is is. Who cares???? It seems the written word is the more powerful one. Who cares that it was an adult pretending to be a child, with an adult brain, someone intent on carrying out a sting for public entertainment? The law is the law. Yes, there will be ‘mitigating’ circumstances, but he has already damaged his life.

He is now on the sex offenders register and will be sentenced next month. The court didn’t tell him to report to the police station, I did. He didn’t even know what he needed to take. What the hell???? We have a broken legal system, or one that wants to trip people up right from the off.
I am angry that I am STILL having to look out for him. He lives so far away, living his new life, and he can’t even sort out something that could have landed him being arrested again.


He has physically and mentally deteriorated. Is still suffering from severe depression. Authorities are concerned about him killing himself, I’m worried about that too, and consumed by worry and fear. But no one in authority gives a damn about me!!!!

I don't think I can do this any more. This is so damaging on me, I feel like I have been overlooked. No police contact since the knock, my GP couldn't care less. The only people that care are those that we pay, and loyal friends and family, and you strangers on forums, who are struggling with your own battles.

How to move forward? I am dreading sentencing. All the preparation in case he goes straight to prison. His crime, my punishment.
Sorry, feeling very sorry for myself and very angry at our society.

X

In limbo

Member since
January 2021

55 posts

Posted Tue February 23, 2021 1:08pmReport post

Hi Tabs. Thinking of you.

Keep strong you will get through this eventually. Talk about your feelings to someone you can trust.