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Hello everyone. I've spent most of my day scrolling through this forum. I'm very new to this shock. Only 24hours ago my house was filled with police officers. Married 18months ago.
I am completely in shock with the whole thing don't really know what to do with myself.
I'm awaiting my husbands verdict although I'm highly suspicious what's next.
Any advice in these stressful emotional early stages? I'm currently in my parents family home with family.
I am completely in shock with the whole thing don't really know what to do with myself.
I'm awaiting my husbands verdict although I'm highly suspicious what's next.
Any advice in these stressful emotional early stages? I'm currently in my parents family home with family.
Hello hunny, so glad you have reached out.
No words can describe the over whelming emotions after that knock. You describing it as being hit with a brick is a good analogy. Although my counsellor said it was like a bomb dropped on our life. It sure was.
Right now the most overwhelming emotion with be shock I'm sure. Give yourself time to process. Allow yourself to let it out. Seek as much support as you can.. On here, the helpline, the gp, a counselling helpline if you have access maybe through work... Failing that maybe samaritins. Don't make any big or rash decisions. Right now you will be in fight or flight mode. Don't do anything drastic. I'm sure right now only those you have told will know. For me at first it felt like I had it tattooed on my forehead. That calms as you start accepting it bit by bit.
Look after yourself best you can. Don't be afraid to take medication if need be. You have to get through this day by day or hour by hour it need be.
Sending love and strength xxx
No words can describe the over whelming emotions after that knock. You describing it as being hit with a brick is a good analogy. Although my counsellor said it was like a bomb dropped on our life. It sure was.
Right now the most overwhelming emotion with be shock I'm sure. Give yourself time to process. Allow yourself to let it out. Seek as much support as you can.. On here, the helpline, the gp, a counselling helpline if you have access maybe through work... Failing that maybe samaritins. Don't make any big or rash decisions. Right now you will be in fight or flight mode. Don't do anything drastic. I'm sure right now only those you have told will know. For me at first it felt like I had it tattooed on my forehead. That calms as you start accepting it bit by bit.
Look after yourself best you can. Don't be afraid to take medication if need be. You have to get through this day by day or hour by hour it need be.
Sending love and strength xxx
Thank you so much for you're reply. This is just something you never even think you would need to be prepared to deal with.
I am going to make an appointment with my GP next week and will be seeking a counsellor in the near future.
I am concerned about his welfare and then feel guilty about being concerned. The couple of times I have spoken to him it's so heart breaking. We had our whole lives ahead of us and we're planning a great future.
Like you say taking it day by day is all you can do as things progress and hope that we all make it out the other side stronger.
All the people on here sound so supportive it's encouraging to have this sort of network.
I am going to make an appointment with my GP next week and will be seeking a counsellor in the near future.
I am concerned about his welfare and then feel guilty about being concerned. The couple of times I have spoken to him it's so heart breaking. We had our whole lives ahead of us and we're planning a great future.
Like you say taking it day by day is all you can do as things progress and hope that we all make it out the other side stronger.
All the people on here sound so supportive it's encouraging to have this sort of network.
Hey hunny
No worries. If it helps... I will tell you my story... Been with my husband just over 20 years, married 18, 2 kids, own house etc. He is my soul mate and I had no doubt we would be together forever...
Then came the knock for Iioc. He admitted it.... Said he fell down the porn trap watching regular stuff n it just got worse. I had been through trauma of losing both my parents n he had been my rock when I fell apart... Didn't realise that rock had been crumbling around me..
My family all kept telling me I will get over him n can't be with him after what he's done. I tried to get over him n it almost killed me... He moved to his parents when bailed, social services got involved with our boys n eventually agreed supervised contact...
Fast forward almost 5 months... We are together as a couple again... Getting closer and stronger than we've been in years as he has become so much more open with me... He's seeking help for his mental health and working with Lucy faithful awaiting doing the inform course... I am doing the partners too.
Contact still supervised so he cannot stay with us overnight but he spends lots of time with us. We have no idea when court will be etc but I know from speaking to tons of women... Its a long way off. Sadly this offence is on the up as the police are arresting around 750 men a month in the UK. Society does not try n understand this offence or sometimes the addiction behind it. Not all men viewings these imaged are the p word. After much deliberation I do not believe my husband is attracted to children as I first thought... He fell down the rabbit hole of online porn as the Internet is crowded with this horrid stuff.
We have a long way to go and I am still terrified of the media risk...although not all these cases make the media.
Anyway. This is all YOUR choice!! If you still want a future with your partner then do not allow others to dictate to you. Give yourself time to heal and time to understand. For me a massive part has been his remorse and detmination to get better.
Hooe that helps. Oh and I am not saying you should stay with him... I am just saying you have a choice. That was the most empowering thing the helpline advisor told me in the first few weeks after I had has the rug pulled from under me!!
Take care. Keep on talking xxxx
No worries. If it helps... I will tell you my story... Been with my husband just over 20 years, married 18, 2 kids, own house etc. He is my soul mate and I had no doubt we would be together forever...
Then came the knock for Iioc. He admitted it.... Said he fell down the porn trap watching regular stuff n it just got worse. I had been through trauma of losing both my parents n he had been my rock when I fell apart... Didn't realise that rock had been crumbling around me..
My family all kept telling me I will get over him n can't be with him after what he's done. I tried to get over him n it almost killed me... He moved to his parents when bailed, social services got involved with our boys n eventually agreed supervised contact...
Fast forward almost 5 months... We are together as a couple again... Getting closer and stronger than we've been in years as he has become so much more open with me... He's seeking help for his mental health and working with Lucy faithful awaiting doing the inform course... I am doing the partners too.
Contact still supervised so he cannot stay with us overnight but he spends lots of time with us. We have no idea when court will be etc but I know from speaking to tons of women... Its a long way off. Sadly this offence is on the up as the police are arresting around 750 men a month in the UK. Society does not try n understand this offence or sometimes the addiction behind it. Not all men viewings these imaged are the p word. After much deliberation I do not believe my husband is attracted to children as I first thought... He fell down the rabbit hole of online porn as the Internet is crowded with this horrid stuff.
We have a long way to go and I am still terrified of the media risk...although not all these cases make the media.
Anyway. This is all YOUR choice!! If you still want a future with your partner then do not allow others to dictate to you. Give yourself time to heal and time to understand. For me a massive part has been his remorse and detmination to get better.
Hooe that helps. Oh and I am not saying you should stay with him... I am just saying you have a choice. That was the most empowering thing the helpline advisor told me in the first few weeks after I had has the rug pulled from under me!!
Take care. Keep on talking xxxx
Hi,
Thank you for telling my your story it's much appreciated. We don't have any children which I do feel makes it a little easier.
His family have found out today and understandable shocked and devastated. However I feel a little weight lifted that I have more people to talk to.
I keep having mixed thoughts about going forward. Like you say it's my choice and as much as I would like to help my husband get better through the whole process, I understand this will be a very stressful process for both of us.
Think I'm trying to process this too quickly but your mind does go into overdrive!
thank you again for such good advice
Thank you for telling my your story it's much appreciated. We don't have any children which I do feel makes it a little easier.
His family have found out today and understandable shocked and devastated. However I feel a little weight lifted that I have more people to talk to.
I keep having mixed thoughts about going forward. Like you say it's my choice and as much as I would like to help my husband get better through the whole process, I understand this will be a very stressful process for both of us.
Think I'm trying to process this too quickly but your mind does go into overdrive!
thank you again for such good advice
Aww no worries.
You will be all over the place for a while yet. We are all very different women who go through this but we all have in common similar emotions... Look up the 5 / 7 stages of grief.. It will resonate with you.... The anger, denial, bargaining etc etc... You will be going through it all.
Is your husband giving you any answers? Is he at your home if you're at family's? As much as I missed him and hated in the early days he couldn't be here... It did give me time to process stuff. However...i think for me a lot of the emotions were missing him. It was like he was picked up and took away from me in the blink of an eye.
Things do get slightly easier and your emotions settle over time. I am not quite there yet but definitely calmer waters from them early days.
Take care my love xxxx
You will be all over the place for a while yet. We are all very different women who go through this but we all have in common similar emotions... Look up the 5 / 7 stages of grief.. It will resonate with you.... The anger, denial, bargaining etc etc... You will be going through it all.
Is your husband giving you any answers? Is he at your home if you're at family's? As much as I missed him and hated in the early days he couldn't be here... It did give me time to process stuff. However...i think for me a lot of the emotions were missing him. It was like he was picked up and took away from me in the blink of an eye.
Things do get slightly easier and your emotions settle over time. I am not quite there yet but definitely calmer waters from them early days.
Take care my love xxxx
Thank you I'll definitely look them up.
Unfortunaly they were worried about himself and he didn't get bail which I became hysterical to the police about as I really want to see him and ask him questions. We are appealing bail on Monday. Like you just feels so sudden I went to work in the morning and on my return he wasn't there but police officers and this emotion of missing someone is indescribably.
I'm glad it's getting easier for you if slowly. And I pray it continues to do this. You seem like you have a good solid head on those shoulders.
take care yourself lovely xxxx
Unfortunaly they were worried about himself and he didn't get bail which I became hysterical to the police about as I really want to see him and ask him questions. We are appealing bail on Monday. Like you just feels so sudden I went to work in the morning and on my return he wasn't there but police officers and this emotion of missing someone is indescribably.
I'm glad it's getting easier for you if slowly. And I pray it continues to do this. You seem like you have a good solid head on those shoulders.
take care yourself lovely xxxx
Awww I am so sorry to hear he didn't get bail... That must be so tough not being able to see or speak to him...
However... Don't read too much into it at the moment. From what others say...this whole process is extremely inconsistent. There is no rhyme or reason in the way the police or social services deal with various stages.
Aww thanks hunny. I work in mental health and addiction myself so try to understand how complex people can be.
I hope things get easier for you too hunny. The fact you have no children means you can make decisions for yourself. Best of luck. Xxxx
However... Don't read too much into it at the moment. From what others say...this whole process is extremely inconsistent. There is no rhyme or reason in the way the police or social services deal with various stages.
Aww thanks hunny. I work in mental health and addiction myself so try to understand how complex people can be.
I hope things get easier for you too hunny. The fact you have no children means you can make decisions for yourself. Best of luck. Xxxx
Whatwhywhenhow? I am so sorry that you find yourself here. It's a very difficult situation to deal with. Firstly, NONE of it is your fault!! And anyone with any empathy or kindness will be nothing but supportive. I have gained some new close friends, who were just acquaintances before this, they have helped carry me through this.
Secondly, please look after yourself. I spent most of the early days worrying about him, family and friends, that I pretty much exhausted myself. My doctor was pretty useless, but others say their doctors were very supportive. A GP friend told me to drink lots of water, try to eat, a bite or two of toast and honey was all I could cope with, take a multi vitamin tablet and most importantly she advised me to do what was best for me in that moment. Don't think to far ahead. Give yourself permission to talk or not talk.
You are not alone. There are many of us going through this, more than we know.
take care Xxx
Secondly, please look after yourself. I spent most of the early days worrying about him, family and friends, that I pretty much exhausted myself. My doctor was pretty useless, but others say their doctors were very supportive. A GP friend told me to drink lots of water, try to eat, a bite or two of toast and honey was all I could cope with, take a multi vitamin tablet and most importantly she advised me to do what was best for me in that moment. Don't think to far ahead. Give yourself permission to talk or not talk.
You are not alone. There are many of us going through this, more than we know.
take care Xxx
Hi Tabs. Thank you for taking the time to reply with your advice. Much appreciated.
It's nice to hear you've gained some close friends who are supportive. How long into your situation did you feel the right time was to say something and did you say the truth or a more of a vague idea what was going on. I'm so scared what to say to friends as although I trust them and know they will be supportive and don't want it to spread even though they aren't from an area an hour away.
Eating like you say is really difficult and I normally have a v good appetite but trying small amounts.
I am amazed how many of us get put in this situation but then until you're in it why would you know.
thank you again for you lovely advice
take care xxx
It's nice to hear you've gained some close friends who are supportive. How long into your situation did you feel the right time was to say something and did you say the truth or a more of a vague idea what was going on. I'm so scared what to say to friends as although I trust them and know they will be supportive and don't want it to spread even though they aren't from an area an hour away.
Eating like you say is really difficult and I normally have a v good appetite but trying small amounts.
I am amazed how many of us get put in this situation but then until you're in it why would you know.
thank you again for you lovely advice
take care xxx
Sadly my husband was caught in a vigilante sting that was live streamed. It spread very quickly and was also sent directly to his family members by his very nasty brother. So I had no choice other than to run and hide or face up to it.
It came so completely out of blue. We were happy and had worked hard for our early retirement which we were looking forward to. That's all gone now as he lost his job straight away and is living a long way away in fear and shame. We are now paying for 2 homes.
Unbeknown to me he had a porn addiction. He used this to medicate himself against stress and anxiety that he kept hidden. On the surface he was clam and happy and in control.
My full sad story is on the forum somewhere.
I had to try to understand this. As someone has already said it really is like a death, but actually worse. Knowledge helps me to process it all, as does a good therapist who I talk to regularly. It's important to get a therapist who is skilled in this area.
Take it a day at a time and do whatever you need to do. xxx
It came so completely out of blue. We were happy and had worked hard for our early retirement which we were looking forward to. That's all gone now as he lost his job straight away and is living a long way away in fear and shame. We are now paying for 2 homes.
Unbeknown to me he had a porn addiction. He used this to medicate himself against stress and anxiety that he kept hidden. On the surface he was clam and happy and in control.
My full sad story is on the forum somewhere.
I had to try to understand this. As someone has already said it really is like a death, but actually worse. Knowledge helps me to process it all, as does a good therapist who I talk to regularly. It's important to get a therapist who is skilled in this area.
Take it a day at a time and do whatever you need to do. xxx
Tabs
I can't imagine what it was like for the sting to me live streamed. The media aspect scares me so much let alone having it right from the start.
I will be getting a therapist soon to start that process of 'dealing' with what's happened. It really does fell like death the feelings are indescribably.
thank you for messaging xxx
lost123
Thank you. I agree long term decisions are difficult to decide even though I want it finalised so I know where I am! I think COVID is for once helping as I can lay a low profile at the moment to just get away from as much as possible.
Thank you for the StopSo advice. That looks like a really helpful site.
Totally agree that only us that have gone through it know what it feels like.
Staying or leaving I have no idea. But hope support is there whatever. I think leaving will be in my best interest but I know he's not a bad person and this was one stupid stupid mistake and the guilt I owe to my vows I said in my marriage plays on my mind.
Thank you all for your support. It certainly does help xx
I can't imagine what it was like for the sting to me live streamed. The media aspect scares me so much let alone having it right from the start.
I will be getting a therapist soon to start that process of 'dealing' with what's happened. It really does fell like death the feelings are indescribably.
thank you for messaging xxx
lost123
Thank you. I agree long term decisions are difficult to decide even though I want it finalised so I know where I am! I think COVID is for once helping as I can lay a low profile at the moment to just get away from as much as possible.
Thank you for the StopSo advice. That looks like a really helpful site.
Totally agree that only us that have gone through it know what it feels like.
Staying or leaving I have no idea. But hope support is there whatever. I think leaving will be in my best interest but I know he's not a bad person and this was one stupid stupid mistake and the guilt I owe to my vows I said in my marriage plays on my mind.
Thank you all for your support. It certainly does help xx
I'm sorry I am a daughter In this situation and not a wife but if I found out my husband had masturbated to young children being abused there is no way I would support him. This is disgusting and addiction to porn is no excuse. I came here for support and guidance and I am not finding this at all.
Hi, concerned-step-daughter
It was my ex husband that done this, and I feel the same as you about it, I'm afraid there isn't any support on this forum for people that feel like us, so I would advice to call the helpline they can support you.
Xx
It was my ex husband that done this, and I feel the same as you about it, I'm afraid there isn't any support on this forum for people that feel like us, so I would advice to call the helpline they can support you.
Xx
Concerned-step-daughter
I called the helpline in the early days ( ex partner, was 5 months pregnant with his daughter at the time) They were wonderful, I was hyperventilating at the time I was so shocked and upset, the advisor talked me through a breathing exercise before I could even tell him what had happened)
I also had 12 free counselling sessions from a trained therapist through StopSo This was the best thing I did and has helped me to process what has happened and the trauma that comes with it.
Not everyone on this forum has stayed with their partners. I have learned a lot from the ladies on here; whatever they have decided to do. It’s an awful place we have found ourselves in.
Take care. X
I called the helpline in the early days ( ex partner, was 5 months pregnant with his daughter at the time) They were wonderful, I was hyperventilating at the time I was so shocked and upset, the advisor talked me through a breathing exercise before I could even tell him what had happened)
I also had 12 free counselling sessions from a trained therapist through StopSo This was the best thing I did and has helped me to process what has happened and the trauma that comes with it.
Not everyone on this forum has stayed with their partners. I have learned a lot from the ladies on here; whatever they have decided to do. It’s an awful place we have found ourselves in.
Take care. X
Some very harsh and strong words and emotions on here!!
We all have a right to feel the way we do but we don't have a right to tell others how to feel. Many women like me on here are staying with their partners and with the support of other women who are further on in the process, the helpline and even the training Lucy Faithfull foundation, we are starting to understand the complexity of the offence and the reasons why our partners ended up in that situation..
Many women who walk away and don't want to understand don't bother engaging with this support. X
We all have a right to feel the way we do but we don't have a right to tell others how to feel. Many women like me on here are staying with their partners and with the support of other women who are further on in the process, the helpline and even the training Lucy Faithfull foundation, we are starting to understand the complexity of the offence and the reasons why our partners ended up in that situation..
Many women who walk away and don't want to understand don't bother engaging with this support. X