Family and Friends Forum

Hello Rebecca 1234,

I am really sorry to see that you are really struggling at the moment and are going through an extremely difficult time with many things to think about and cope with. This is made even more difficult by your recent loss of family members. You have been very brave to come to this forum to seek help and support for your situation. This forum can provide support from others experiencing similar situations. I would like to offer additional information about other services that you can use to seek support.

It may be of benefit for you to call our helpline. This helpline is anonymous, confidential and free to call from a landline. One of our trained operators will be able to discuss with you in detail the things you are going through and emotional distress you may be suffering. I would encourage you to call the helpline on this number: 0808 1000 900. The Helpline service runs on Monday to Thursdays from 9am to 9pm and Fridays from 9am to 5pm.

If you do not feel comfortable doing this you are also able to contact the helpline via our live chat. This is an instant messaging service through which you can speak with a trained operator about your situation. This can be accessed on our Stop It Now! website: https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/. This chat service is available on Mondays at 9am to 12pm and Fridays at 2pm to 5pm.

I would also suggest that you go to your GP who will be able to advise you on where to get support in your local area for your current situation, you may also wish to talk to them about the possibility of bereavement counselling and your drinking if you feel like you would benefit from this. These are very difficult times for you but seeking help from as many resources as possible may help you through this time. You may also choose to confide in friends for support, this may benefit you because having loved ones at your side while battling through tough times can help you push forward.

I would also like to encourage that your son seek support for his behaviour and suicidal thoughts. He can do this by also contacting the helpline and chat (details given above). We have a dedicated young persons team who can support your son with his behaviour and emotions. He may also benefit from a visit to the GP for these suicidal thoughts. Another service he could use for support with his suicidal thoughts is Kooth which is a confidential online counselling service for young people. Please visit the Kooth website here: https://www.kooth.com/. It is vital that your son receive the support he needs for his behaviour and suicidal thoughts and there are many people who are trained to help him, including us here at Stop It Now!

Thank you again for seeking help on the forum Rebecca 1234. This is a very painful time for you but with help and support you can pull through and so can your son. I implore you to reach out to our helpline service for more tailored support.

Hi Rebecca



im sorry to hear about your so. I can only imagine the pain and stress you are all under. I am the mother of an offender but for communication rather than images. When this first happened my son said he was not suicidal but the worry that he may do something silly was always there for myself, my husband and daughter. That worry magnified one million times when he was sentenced to time in prison. I honestly thought we would lose him the day he was sent to prison but we didn't, thank god. Somehow we all got through it and he's due home next month. His life will never be the same again but he's alive and will try his best to get on with life when he comes home.

Your situation is quite new so you and your sons emotions and feelings will be all over the place. I imagine, from my own experience, you are going from crying to sadness to anger to fear to frustration etc. I went through them all and more. I never slept for weeks and chose to deal with it myself and not seek any help at all. This was a huge mistake which very nearly cost me my life on two occasions. Fortunately I came to my senses in time and things are a good bit better now.. I still have bad days but not like I used to. In my experience, the bad days get less and less but don't go away. At least they haven't for me over the past two years.

I don't drink alcohol at all but I know enough about it to know that drinking more and more won't help you. I really urge you to try and ask the doctor for some help to get you through the next while . Call the stop so forum. I did not do this and regret it because most ladies on here have said that calling the helpline had really helped them. How is your son coping now? Is heat home with you or living away from home? I would think about trying to get him some help with counselling etc .
Im not sure what else to say to you. I just wanted to reply to you so that you'd know that there are other mums out here who are in a similar situation to you. You are not alone in this whole process. It's at times like this that us all connecting on mumsnet was handy but I understand why the site stopped us exchanging mumsnet names. Keep posting on here and I'm sure more ladies will comment. X

Hi Rebecca

its hard to put into words how I coped in the first few months of my son being in prison. I not only worried about my son doing something stupid but I worried even more about what might happen to him while in prison. I kept myself very busy for the first six months. I felt that by being on the go almost around the clock I was stopping myself from really thinking about it. I'm not sure this was the right way because it all got right on top of me. You appear to be on the other end of the scale where you could sleep forever more. That never did come for me. Even now, I average four to five hours a night if I'm lucky. I'm hoping that will change when he comes home.

I would not recommend sitting in day in day out. Do you work? If not is there scope for you to go for a walk. I know it sounds daft but I walked for miles and miles when this first happened and found it helped to some degree. Have you any support out with your family that knows about what's happened? If you do I'd advise to make the effort to have a coffe with them etc. I'd advise you to do that whether they know or not. One thing I would advise is to be careful who you tell about what's happened. Some ladies on here have found that not everyone is understanding.

As for the social worker, I'm led to believe that what has happened to you is pretty normal. We have had little input from social services but that will change when our son comes hone because his sister has a little one. I am not looking forward to them being involved but it's something that cannot be avoided. Do you have other children at home? I ask because my grandson pulled me through and brought me to my senses when the push came to the shove. It's amazing how much small children can perk you up and pull you through bad times. After my near misses I started to spend far more time with my grandson than normal. I knew while he was with me that I couldn't be down all the time but also it helped me so much with my state of mind. Just having him by my side reminded me that he needs a nana regardless of what else might be going on.

I can promise you that what your feeling is completely normal and with the right help and support it will get better. It's not easy and it takes time but one day if you seek some help and support you will wake one morning and feel slightly better. From there, the dark clouds with liftlittle by little. I know this because I've been through it as have many others on his forum. X

Hi Rebecca

I really think you should not blame yourself for what happened to your son when he was younger. I know that is not easy but there are many, many parents who had no idea that their child had been abused until many years later. As mothers we feel we should know when something like that happens to our kids but it's not that easy to know. People who abuse kids are Rey clever. They groom kids and then before you know it they've got the child at the point that they can tell no one what is happening to them. This has sadly gone on for god knows how many years. You'd think that in today's world , with all the education about child abuse that no child would feel they cannot tell someone what is happening to them. Sadly little has changed and kids, for many reasons are still not coming forward at the point they are being abused. Something drastic needs to change in society so that kids in the future can feel comfortable enough to tell an adult the very moment anything happens.

Your son is your son. Your love is unconditional for hi. Just as mine is for my son. Regardless of what social services or anyone else says, you are not a bad mother for still loving your son and wanting to support him and get him the help he needs. As for social services, be very strong, show them that you can protect your twelve year old. Have a plan ready for what you will do if you need the toilet etc and it's only you and your kids at home. How will you make sure the twelve year old is not left alone with your son should you need the toilet. Think about all those scenarios and be ready with your honest answers for when they ask about it.

You really have been through the mill before this happened. Perhaps if you talked to your doctor about getting something that may help, even in the short term to calm you down a little bit. I also think you should consider some counselling for yourself as well as your son. Your son should be truing to get some help to address his issues before he attends court. I'm led to believe the helpline are very good at pointing you in the right direction too possibly get some help.

how is your twelve year old coping with this. Has she/ he been told what's going on? I expect social services will want to talk to her/ him as most ladies on here have said they usually speak to other children at home but it's all done in a child friendly way.

keep going for your twelve year olds sake as well as your sons. They both need you now more than ever. You can always come here anytime just to rant or for support. The forum has been a bit quieter of late but I'm sure it will pick back up and other mums or partners are usually around when needed. There is genuinely usually someone around happy to lend support. Some of us used to talk on mumsnet under the same names but we are no longer allowed to hand our names out on here because someone sent another lady a nasty message. I understand that but it's a shame as mumsnet was very good for private chat .

Are you in England or Scotland? I ask because here in Scotland from arrest to conviction tends to happen much quicker than in England. Two of the worst things in all of this is the waiting to go to court and social services involvement . Mums, daughters, sons and partners are left in limbo for months and years and there's no way around it.

keep your head above water and come here for support whenever you need to x

Hi Rebecca

Replying to you is no bother as I know hat your going through. The whole thing is so stressful but is made ten times worse due to the isolation of not telling anyone. I told nobody, not a soul until the day before my son was sentenced. Even then, I only told my in laws, aunt and uncle because solicitor advised us it would definitely hit the press. I told them only because I didn't want them reading about it in the papers. They were all quite supportive, especially my aunt but she died last September so I now feel like my biggest support is gone. I have no family except my son, daughter, grandson, husband, son in law and uncle so it's quite hard.

I'm sorry to hear that the social worker believed it was your mistake but I'm not surprised by it because I've heard very similar stories on here. What was it she made you sign if you don't mind me asking? Did she indicate if things would change if your son gets convicted of the offence?

your poor twelve year old must be so stressed. To go through abuse and then have to worry that he may be taken away from you must feel a bit like he may be punished for being truthful. All you can do is reassure him that you will not allow him to be taken away from you no matter what happens. Has the person who did this to your son been reported to the police? I assume social services are aware of what happened to him. Social services are more of a box ticking organisation than support to families from what I read on here. I had a visit from one recently. She had to come out and check my address for our son to come home to. I must say, she was very good and nonjudgmental. She did make me go through what our son had done so that I fully understood what he had done. This was no problem for me because I heard it all at court sentencing.

As for your eldest son, I think you may need to tell him everything as it may cause issues for your relationship if he finds out you've kept it all from him. I know my aunt was very hurt that we had not told her and kept it to ourselves for months. Does your eldest know about your son being arrested? Does he have any kids? I ask because if he has kids social services will visit him just like they did our daughter.

it's dreadful that you feel your doctor has been no help so far. Is there scope for you to try with another doctor and explain the whole thing thoroughly? Maybe even book a double appointment so that you're not rushed. Also perhaps call the helpline. I'm told it's hard to get through but it's worth it for the support and information they can give you.

in the meantime please keep going and stay strong. Come on here any time you need to. I'm always around or not far away and will reply with no problem. x