The police process
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so after the knock and removal of computing equipment what do the police do. I know it’s bail and then re bail but what about charges for indecent images and uploading. I am feeling anxious my ex ( who at this point I still worry about) has said if he is charged he expect to kill himsdlf. How many partners have said this? I know he must be feeling a vast amount of vulnerability and Shane. Because the offence is so horrific.
I obviously don’t want this to happen I want him to have a relationship with his child.
So it’s all a big mess. I think most people are charged aren’t they!
I obviously don’t want this to happen I want him to have a relationship with his child.
So it’s all a big mess. I think most people are charged aren’t they!
I think police process is a difficult thing as it appears to be different in different areas and on different cases. Have all the computers been forensically examined? It can take months and then for some reason it takes months for cps to charge. My partner is still waiting and they said they were finished. He could be released under investigation, so no bail conditions but the police are then not restricted on the time it takes for them to complete the investigation. Have the police told him if he is likely to be charged? If he did it then id say yes they are likely to charge him. My partners situation is not to do with images so i dont know anything about categories and how they decide charges. If he is feeling suicidal then he needs to seek help from his gp or Samaritans. I think many partners feel suicidal in these circumstances, my partner did but sort help. I just reminded him that there are still things to live for but i do not take responsibilty for his mental health, if he choses to commit suicide that is his choice and it would be a selfish one. It seemed harsh to say i understand but that i would not take any responsibility or emotional guilt for the way he was feeling. Seeking out help is so important for both you and him. Its almost cruel how long the ibvestigations take, its so hard to live in limbo.
Hi Bethlou23
In my case my husband was never bailed until he was charged which was about 5 months after they had first been round.
My husband admitted he'd done it initially but obviously lied about the extent of it, once the police had the evidence he then went not guilty.
The police still have all the equipment from April, he's now on bail but with no conditions.
He pleaded not guilty at both magistrates and crown court so the trial is set for April this year, one whole year round - happy anniversary!!
I have to give evidence against him in court which is going down well as you can imagine!
We were initially told it would take between 4-6 weeks for the forensics to be done but in fact they took about 17 weeks.
Unfortunately this is all such a slow process and of course we're having to get on with our lives in all this uncertainty.
My husband attempted suicide, which absolutely floored me and I really struggled with but he got a lot of help from the police who have a mental health team, they went straight out to him and he's note in a better place.
Don't know if that helps because as Marie said different forces do it in different ways and timescales.
Much love xx
In my case my husband was never bailed until he was charged which was about 5 months after they had first been round.
My husband admitted he'd done it initially but obviously lied about the extent of it, once the police had the evidence he then went not guilty.
The police still have all the equipment from April, he's now on bail but with no conditions.
He pleaded not guilty at both magistrates and crown court so the trial is set for April this year, one whole year round - happy anniversary!!
I have to give evidence against him in court which is going down well as you can imagine!
We were initially told it would take between 4-6 weeks for the forensics to be done but in fact they took about 17 weeks.
Unfortunately this is all such a slow process and of course we're having to get on with our lives in all this uncertainty.
My husband attempted suicide, which absolutely floored me and I really struggled with but he got a lot of help from the police who have a mental health team, they went straight out to him and he's note in a better place.
Don't know if that helps because as Marie said different forces do it in different ways and timescales.
Much love xx
I’ve just heard that my partners forensics won’t be done until June which is a year after the Knock. And by the time the CPS brings charges could be months later . Very disappointed it’s taking so long. Police apologise and site staff shortages for the delays.
Not the best New Years news. But nothing I can do about it.
Love and hugs to you all
Paula x
Not the best New Years news. But nothing I can do about it.
Love and hugs to you all
Paula x
It just makes the whole thing so much worse doesn't it Paula?
If you could have everything all over and done with within 2 or 3 months it would be so much more bearable but to a point your life is in hold which doesn't do your mental health any good!!
Xx
If you could have everything all over and done with within 2 or 3 months it would be so much more bearable but to a point your life is in hold which doesn't do your mental health any good!!
Xx
Hi there :-)
My ‘knock’ came in November 2017, my ex hadn’t been arrested but had his devices seized and wasn’t allowed contact with our children. He was arrested, then charged and remanded at the end of November 2018. He pleaded guilty at the plea hearing in December and is due to be sentenced at the end of this month.
I cant wait for this part of it all to be over, then we can move on as a family. We have had not contact with his family and I don’t intend to in the future, until my children are then old enough to decide if they want contact with them as adults.
I feel as though I’m just consumed by it all at the moment, it’s at the front of my mind and I’ve even been having nightmares around him. I just want the sentencing out of the way then I can inform the kids and they have some kind of closure. As far as they know their dad is just in trouble with the police and he’s still under investigation, they don’t know the nature of what he’s done.
Hope everyones had as much of a positive Xmas as they can and are strong for what the new year brings us all xx
My ‘knock’ came in November 2017, my ex hadn’t been arrested but had his devices seized and wasn’t allowed contact with our children. He was arrested, then charged and remanded at the end of November 2018. He pleaded guilty at the plea hearing in December and is due to be sentenced at the end of this month.
I cant wait for this part of it all to be over, then we can move on as a family. We have had not contact with his family and I don’t intend to in the future, until my children are then old enough to decide if they want contact with them as adults.
I feel as though I’m just consumed by it all at the moment, it’s at the front of my mind and I’ve even been having nightmares around him. I just want the sentencing out of the way then I can inform the kids and they have some kind of closure. As far as they know their dad is just in trouble with the police and he’s still under investigation, they don’t know the nature of what he’s done.
Hope everyones had as much of a positive Xmas as they can and are strong for what the new year brings us all xx
Thanks everyone.
Its very up and down some days are better than others. I have a few appointments next week for my own mental health so going to express how panicked I feel.
I hope he doesn’t choose to kill him self but it’s a sentence no one wants their name too.
i do have the number of the crisis team and the Samaritans, I know he is an adult but I still feel very saddened if this is how the Journey ends. We have had some good times over the yeRs. And although there is a side to him I can’t get my head around. I also know there is a kind person in there too.
the police told me it would be a long time to get the computer back. I still don’t know the nature of what will be found and I am scared to ask. My brain can’t process it yet.
it just seems from what I read men are unlikely to get a caution.
I know now it’s not my job to worry about him and his prospects after the offence but it’s hard to turn off feeling. The best case scenario for me is if he can keep his job and get a flat nearby so he can see his daughter. I don’t see us together as the betrayal has hurt . But I don’t hate him either he is a lost boy that needs some therapy.
its such and up and down process.
i am scared if he is charged that everyone will know our business. I remain a private person.
he is such an idiot for throwing out good life away and must really have been troubled to do this. I am pleased there support for men and hope he takes it up.
The not knowing is torture. I am not a person who likes drama in my life. I am completely out of my comfort zone.
Thanks for everyone sharing their experiences, love to all of you.
I hope for a brighter future for everyone x
Its very up and down some days are better than others. I have a few appointments next week for my own mental health so going to express how panicked I feel.
I hope he doesn’t choose to kill him self but it’s a sentence no one wants their name too.
i do have the number of the crisis team and the Samaritans, I know he is an adult but I still feel very saddened if this is how the Journey ends. We have had some good times over the yeRs. And although there is a side to him I can’t get my head around. I also know there is a kind person in there too.
the police told me it would be a long time to get the computer back. I still don’t know the nature of what will be found and I am scared to ask. My brain can’t process it yet.
it just seems from what I read men are unlikely to get a caution.
I know now it’s not my job to worry about him and his prospects after the offence but it’s hard to turn off feeling. The best case scenario for me is if he can keep his job and get a flat nearby so he can see his daughter. I don’t see us together as the betrayal has hurt . But I don’t hate him either he is a lost boy that needs some therapy.
its such and up and down process.
i am scared if he is charged that everyone will know our business. I remain a private person.
he is such an idiot for throwing out good life away and must really have been troubled to do this. I am pleased there support for men and hope he takes it up.
The not knowing is torture. I am not a person who likes drama in my life. I am completely out of my comfort zone.
Thanks for everyone sharing their experiences, love to all of you.
I hope for a brighter future for everyone x
You’re right Tracey, the length of time the court process takes is punitive in itself for us as well as our partners or ex partners. And oh Beth Lou this is such a tough time for you. Good that you are getting some support for you. I don’t hate my ex either. And although have cut off contact, am now wondering if I should keep in touch now and then to check on how he is. There are no blue prints for this I guess. Any thoughts? Has anyone broken up with their partners but keeps in touch on another level. Not because they have children together (which we don’t) but because they care what happens to the man the love/loved and how he is coping.
Paula xxx
Paula xxx
Paula,
i am sure they do. Life is not black and white people are more complicated than all good or all bad.
i can’t be with my ex because of the secrets and the betrayal. I had given him so much support over the years. This situation has really hurt that trust.
though I can’t turn of my feelings of care, and hope that he access therapy for him. I am sure lots of women feel this torn loyalty and enjoy the company. After all these men were our life partners for years we share a lot of history.
i am so bloody annoyed at my partner for putting in a situation where I have to feel guilty for wanting to check he is okay.
i am turning to the forum as much as I can and a kind friend to try and break a pattern of depending on my partner.
tbe offence is horrific and I do feel that the fall out from the knock has been extreme already. He needs therapy.
though to be fair so do I at this point tbe trauma is huge.
I also don’t know the nature of the photos and his reasons. Maybe once the shock has died down I will want him charged. Those photos were innocent children.
saying that the fear of the charge being made public just breaks me at this point.
i am sure they do. Life is not black and white people are more complicated than all good or all bad.
i can’t be with my ex because of the secrets and the betrayal. I had given him so much support over the years. This situation has really hurt that trust.
though I can’t turn of my feelings of care, and hope that he access therapy for him. I am sure lots of women feel this torn loyalty and enjoy the company. After all these men were our life partners for years we share a lot of history.
i am so bloody annoyed at my partner for putting in a situation where I have to feel guilty for wanting to check he is okay.
i am turning to the forum as much as I can and a kind friend to try and break a pattern of depending on my partner.
tbe offence is horrific and I do feel that the fall out from the knock has been extreme already. He needs therapy.
though to be fair so do I at this point tbe trauma is huge.
I also don’t know the nature of the photos and his reasons. Maybe once the shock has died down I will want him charged. Those photos were innocent children.
saying that the fear of the charge being made public just breaks me at this point.
I am at the early stages. They took his equipment, but weirdly there was a whole drawer with stuff in (inc his old iPad) which they didn’t seem to look at. My son’s phone has already been returned (2 weeks after the knock) so presume they just did a cursory search of it rather than a forensic search. At the time the officer told my husband he would be in touch end of Feb, but seeing other people’s posts on here I am presuming it will be longer than that.
they let me keep my iPad (just looked st my search history) and I’m glad of that as it makes it easier to type!
my husband, though denying he has looked at anything illegal, has started seeing a therapist because, as he says that even if it wasn’t illegal it was still wrong. I think that has helped with his mental state. His biggest worry is children’s services seeing him as a risk and him not seeing the kids.
i am still with my husband - not through some blind loyalty but because I know good people do bad things. I also have been wracking my brain and processing and reflecting and really do believe he has never hurt the kids nor poses a risk in that way to them. It doesn’t mean I’m not acting “protectively” at the moment though as I continue to assess the situation.
they let me keep my iPad (just looked st my search history) and I’m glad of that as it makes it easier to type!
my husband, though denying he has looked at anything illegal, has started seeing a therapist because, as he says that even if it wasn’t illegal it was still wrong. I think that has helped with his mental state. His biggest worry is children’s services seeing him as a risk and him not seeing the kids.
i am still with my husband - not through some blind loyalty but because I know good people do bad things. I also have been wracking my brain and processing and reflecting and really do believe he has never hurt the kids nor poses a risk in that way to them. It doesn’t mean I’m not acting “protectively” at the moment though as I continue to assess the situation.
Big sigh,
I am early stages too, it’s a lot to navigate. It’s too much to process in one go. On the forum there is no need to justify any decision you make. This is a safe space.
I still care about my ex partner. I don’t think he would harm my child.
k think it’s unresolved trauma from his childhood and low self esteem. He sees himself very negatively and don’t think he really appreciated he was loved by us. You should be pleased your husband is accessing therapy. I wish my partner would but he is still in denial. I am so scared about the future for him. This naming and shaming makes me sick.
i am also nervous that the social worker has to tell nursery what has happened. Even though I am currently living at my mums and putting her first.
What our partners and ex partners have done is serious and wrong , but loosing everything seems enough. I just don’t want the information public.
Sending you lots of love
xxx
I am early stages too, it’s a lot to navigate. It’s too much to process in one go. On the forum there is no need to justify any decision you make. This is a safe space.
I still care about my ex partner. I don’t think he would harm my child.
k think it’s unresolved trauma from his childhood and low self esteem. He sees himself very negatively and don’t think he really appreciated he was loved by us. You should be pleased your husband is accessing therapy. I wish my partner would but he is still in denial. I am so scared about the future for him. This naming and shaming makes me sick.
i am also nervous that the social worker has to tell nursery what has happened. Even though I am currently living at my mums and putting her first.
What our partners and ex partners have done is serious and wrong , but loosing everything seems enough. I just don’t want the information public.
Sending you lots of love
xxx
Bethlou23 thanks so much for your kind words. You are right, I do feel like i need to justify my actions, but you are also right, I don’t need to on this forum.
yes I know what your mean about the nursery thing. Mine are at school so for me I have to face the joy of a child protection conference with head teachers there hearing it all. There is nothing I can do about that if I want my husband to be in contact with kids. I am trying to hold on to the fact that I didn’t do anything, he did (works as a strategy on good days, not so much on bad days).
you are right about the trauma and low self esteem thing. It’s your partner’s decision about therapy but it is hard to see how anyone can address their stuff without it. Though it’s probably early days for him and there’s a good chance he will come to this conclusion himself at some point anyway.
x
yes I know what your mean about the nursery thing. Mine are at school so for me I have to face the joy of a child protection conference with head teachers there hearing it all. There is nothing I can do about that if I want my husband to be in contact with kids. I am trying to hold on to the fact that I didn’t do anything, he did (works as a strategy on good days, not so much on bad days).
you are right about the trauma and low self esteem thing. It’s your partner’s decision about therapy but it is hard to see how anyone can address their stuff without it. Though it’s probably early days for him and there’s a good chance he will come to this conclusion himself at some point anyway.
x
It’s not our journey but we are linked to it choosing the partners we did. I want my husband to see my daughter too. Having her was the nest thing that happened to him.
I don’t know what was going on in his head to access images on line and until the computer comes back I won’t know. He tells me it’s nothing too bad , but I will reserve judgment.
the school should be professional about it as the nursery should. It’s embarrassing that they need to know our private buisness
I just don’t like the pity looks we know our partners best. Everyone has an opinion on things and your right it’s not just black and white.
i feel betrayed by my husband did something so foolish. It sickens me these images were children. He must have had a lot of trauma in his head to seek these out. I can’t work our who I was married too and I am mourning the loss of what I thought was a pretty decent relationship.
There is so much going on in my head as I guess there is for you.
I am trying to do self care for me, as I said before I am usually a practical person but this is one situation I can’t control x
love to you all in this unfair club xxx
I don’t know what was going on in his head to access images on line and until the computer comes back I won’t know. He tells me it’s nothing too bad , but I will reserve judgment.
the school should be professional about it as the nursery should. It’s embarrassing that they need to know our private buisness
I just don’t like the pity looks we know our partners best. Everyone has an opinion on things and your right it’s not just black and white.
i feel betrayed by my husband did something so foolish. It sickens me these images were children. He must have had a lot of trauma in his head to seek these out. I can’t work our who I was married too and I am mourning the loss of what I thought was a pretty decent relationship.
There is so much going on in my head as I guess there is for you.
I am trying to do self care for me, as I said before I am usually a practical person but this is one situation I can’t control x
love to you all in this unfair club xxx