I am only at the start of the journey, a lot more to get through. Knock happened 3 days ago, SS allowed my husband to stay with an action plan we proposed. I am glad. My husband is not a bad person, he needs help - as do all of those people that fall into this nightmare. I don't believe people are born bad, I believe people deal with problems in different ways and sometimes they just can't see that they hurt others in the process. They need help - otherwise the bad circle continues.
My husband is a loving dad, I don't for a second believe he would ever hurt our children. I do think this should be taken seriously and I will walk this walk holding his hand in the process.
Why?
I have two choices where I stand. I can choose to walk away, leave it all behind, close 12 years of relationship, take father away from the kids and move on. This would be hurtful for us all, broken hearts, broken lives and so much more hurt than we already have been dished out through this.
Or
I can choose LOVE. I can choose to love my husband through this, I can choose to want to help him and get to the other side with dignity. When you fall down and nobody is there to pick you up - what's the point to change? What's the point to live?
The very first thing I asked my husband to do is tell his parents. I know we will all need their support through this. I asked him to be entirely honest and ask for help. He has been blessed to receive it. I have called my parents - they have offered their support and love through this too. They all recognised that this is an opportunity for him to change his life, and they are all there to help with it.
I have also told him that now in the time we are waiting for the investigation to complete his sole responsibility is to make sure to do all he can to secure us financially for the worst case scenario. We are fortunate to have jobs that allow for us to make this happen. We are fortunate that we can continue with day to day work as if this didn't happen. But it did and now he has to work 2 or 3 times as hard to ensure we are going to be financially secure. He is up for the challange. On top of that I think this has given him a renewed purpouse to move forward and not allow for this all to drown us all in the process. It's early days - but the intentions are there. We need those now!
I dread to think what will happen if this becomes public, I know it will be hard and painful. I can at this stage in the process put those thoughts away and hope we will not need to face this. I hear it's 50/50 chance, we will cross that bridge when we come to this.
Person wiser than myself told me once that our souls choose specific paths to take and in our current conciousness we can't always comprehend those choices. Everything happens for a reason and I do believe that each step of the way we have a choice. We can make choices with love in mind or fear. Love comes from heart, directs us calmly through the stormy waters, fear wants us to hide away, moves us towards short term gains. Fear often feels like the safer, less exposed solution. It's not always right.
What is helping me right now is the feeling and direction that love brings to me. When I look deep down I know what to do, and if I allow myself to listen - I will get the direction to get through this.
I know I will be stronger than ever before when I land once again on the firm land and the sea storm goes away.
Love to you all - you are not alone in this xxx
My husband is a loving dad, I don't for a second believe he would ever hurt our children. I do think this should be taken seriously and I will walk this walk holding his hand in the process.
Why?
I have two choices where I stand. I can choose to walk away, leave it all behind, close 12 years of relationship, take father away from the kids and move on. This would be hurtful for us all, broken hearts, broken lives and so much more hurt than we already have been dished out through this.
Or
I can choose LOVE. I can choose to love my husband through this, I can choose to want to help him and get to the other side with dignity. When you fall down and nobody is there to pick you up - what's the point to change? What's the point to live?
The very first thing I asked my husband to do is tell his parents. I know we will all need their support through this. I asked him to be entirely honest and ask for help. He has been blessed to receive it. I have called my parents - they have offered their support and love through this too. They all recognised that this is an opportunity for him to change his life, and they are all there to help with it.
I have also told him that now in the time we are waiting for the investigation to complete his sole responsibility is to make sure to do all he can to secure us financially for the worst case scenario. We are fortunate to have jobs that allow for us to make this happen. We are fortunate that we can continue with day to day work as if this didn't happen. But it did and now he has to work 2 or 3 times as hard to ensure we are going to be financially secure. He is up for the challange. On top of that I think this has given him a renewed purpouse to move forward and not allow for this all to drown us all in the process. It's early days - but the intentions are there. We need those now!
I dread to think what will happen if this becomes public, I know it will be hard and painful. I can at this stage in the process put those thoughts away and hope we will not need to face this. I hear it's 50/50 chance, we will cross that bridge when we come to this.
Person wiser than myself told me once that our souls choose specific paths to take and in our current conciousness we can't always comprehend those choices. Everything happens for a reason and I do believe that each step of the way we have a choice. We can make choices with love in mind or fear. Love comes from heart, directs us calmly through the stormy waters, fear wants us to hide away, moves us towards short term gains. Fear often feels like the safer, less exposed solution. It's not always right.
What is helping me right now is the feeling and direction that love brings to me. When I look deep down I know what to do, and if I allow myself to listen - I will get the direction to get through this.
I know I will be stronger than ever before when I land once again on the firm land and the sea storm goes away.
Love to you all - you are not alone in this xxx
Wow- to be three days in and have such a strong mind set is really admirable. I do find it amazing how as loved ones, our body and mind (most the time) just seems to get up each day and carry on.
I'm two and a half weeks in and although I have my wobbles, trying to keep positive and my life as 'normal' as possible keeps me get through the day. I try not to think to far ahead in the future which is easier said then done.
Thank you for your positivity- it really has helped me today :)
I'm two and a half weeks in and although I have my wobbles, trying to keep positive and my life as 'normal' as possible keeps me get through the day. I try not to think to far ahead in the future which is easier said then done.
Thank you for your positivity- it really has helped me today :)
Your post is so refreshing to see.
My husband is also allowed to stay at home with action plan.
I admire how much strength you have, I am 10 months in and I still struggle day to day.
Can I ask what your husband has been arrested for?
I hope for the best outcome possible for you.
X
My husband is also allowed to stay at home with action plan.
I admire how much strength you have, I am 10 months in and I still struggle day to day.
Can I ask what your husband has been arrested for?
I hope for the best outcome possible for you.
X
I've just read your posts onedayatatime and my heart actually warmed.
Day 2. My husband was allowed back yesterday from the station. I think I have been through the 5 stages of grief about 50 times. From forgetting that it happened to being so angry and ashamed and disgusted with myself (for not leaving there and then) and with him.
He's under investigation atm and of course I'm not allowed to say much but in comparison to some of the things I've heard from other wives and mothers, it wasn't even a third as bad. It was also a means to an end for another problem he was having.
This isn't to dismiss what he did in anyway shape or form, he fricked up. But i think his resvole is stronger to get help.
It's frustrating as well because before the knock we'd been to marriage therapy together... We'd been doing really well.
They're also looking to do some psychological tests and the strongest medication you can find.
Im not entirely sure how I am supposed to feel. Yesterday, the day it happened before bed, he'd been we had a laugh at cards against humanity and matching things up. Is that okay? Is it okay to be happy, I know you're not supposed to be happy all the time but how are you supposed to feel?
I guess because he's home it feel normal...
Onedayatatime, whatever I am feeling you've made me feel a smidge better about my lean towards staying... I'm not going to lie, I've set up a life and we were just getting back on to a good path. We were falling back in love again. I'm not strong enough to leave, I'll admit it because I too choose love and compassion.
He's been my best friend for years so it's not something easily let go.
Day 2. My husband was allowed back yesterday from the station. I think I have been through the 5 stages of grief about 50 times. From forgetting that it happened to being so angry and ashamed and disgusted with myself (for not leaving there and then) and with him.
He's under investigation atm and of course I'm not allowed to say much but in comparison to some of the things I've heard from other wives and mothers, it wasn't even a third as bad. It was also a means to an end for another problem he was having.
This isn't to dismiss what he did in anyway shape or form, he fricked up. But i think his resvole is stronger to get help.
It's frustrating as well because before the knock we'd been to marriage therapy together... We'd been doing really well.
They're also looking to do some psychological tests and the strongest medication you can find.
Im not entirely sure how I am supposed to feel. Yesterday, the day it happened before bed, he'd been we had a laugh at cards against humanity and matching things up. Is that okay? Is it okay to be happy, I know you're not supposed to be happy all the time but how are you supposed to feel?
I guess because he's home it feel normal...
Onedayatatime, whatever I am feeling you've made me feel a smidge better about my lean towards staying... I'm not going to lie, I've set up a life and we were just getting back on to a good path. We were falling back in love again. I'm not strong enough to leave, I'll admit it because I too choose love and compassion.
He's been my best friend for years so it's not something easily let go.
Wow.... One day at a time.... Sending you a virtual ((((hug))))) wishing I could give you a real one!
What amazing and heart felt words. Its taken me 5 months to get to a similar stage to you and there are times I still struggle.
I have been listening to lots of positive meditations.. My favorite one talks of how we can't always choose what happens in life but we can choose how we react....
Personally at first... I reacted... Told him I couldn't be with him anymore. More for the sake of my family who kept telling me so. I was so broken hearted. My husband and soulmate of 20 years... The best husbands and dad to our boys... I was in complete shock. In some ways I still am... Yet I know he is still the loving, kind and amazing person he always was. We had been through such a lot and he had been my rock throughout losing both my parents n my mental health hitting rock bottom.. I now know that my rock was crumbling around me... He was lost, depressed,... Turned to porn as a way of coping and fell down that rabbit hole... Similar to so so men of your men!!!
Now I'm getting my old husband back... Bit by bit.. As he has opened up and got help with his mental health.
My husband can't live with us right now and has been staying with his parents over night although spending most of his time with me and the boys. This weekend he has moved into his own place. It's been so tough... Watching him set up a home without us. We are closer than ever right now... We are keeping our end goal in sight. We love each other so much, we are a lovely little family of 4 and I am not allowing this online behaviour to blow our family apart any more than it has been. I like you am still very anxious about the media but the main thing I've learnt in the last 5 months is... Like your username... You have to take one day at a time. Life has gave us lemons... So I am making lemonade! I am making the most if time with my 3 boys and my husband now cherishes every moment he is wirh us again. His high pressured job he is suspended from right now and has been doing some simple deliveries which is much better for his mental health.
Anyway... I am waffling.. I hope you're giving yourself time to process all of this... Make sure you look after your mental health and wellbeing. Give yourself time to process these overwhelming emotions.
Sending lots of love and strength xxxx
What amazing and heart felt words. Its taken me 5 months to get to a similar stage to you and there are times I still struggle.
I have been listening to lots of positive meditations.. My favorite one talks of how we can't always choose what happens in life but we can choose how we react....
Personally at first... I reacted... Told him I couldn't be with him anymore. More for the sake of my family who kept telling me so. I was so broken hearted. My husband and soulmate of 20 years... The best husbands and dad to our boys... I was in complete shock. In some ways I still am... Yet I know he is still the loving, kind and amazing person he always was. We had been through such a lot and he had been my rock throughout losing both my parents n my mental health hitting rock bottom.. I now know that my rock was crumbling around me... He was lost, depressed,... Turned to porn as a way of coping and fell down that rabbit hole... Similar to so so men of your men!!!
Now I'm getting my old husband back... Bit by bit.. As he has opened up and got help with his mental health.
My husband can't live with us right now and has been staying with his parents over night although spending most of his time with me and the boys. This weekend he has moved into his own place. It's been so tough... Watching him set up a home without us. We are closer than ever right now... We are keeping our end goal in sight. We love each other so much, we are a lovely little family of 4 and I am not allowing this online behaviour to blow our family apart any more than it has been. I like you am still very anxious about the media but the main thing I've learnt in the last 5 months is... Like your username... You have to take one day at a time. Life has gave us lemons... So I am making lemonade! I am making the most if time with my 3 boys and my husband now cherishes every moment he is wirh us again. His high pressured job he is suspended from right now and has been doing some simple deliveries which is much better for his mental health.
Anyway... I am waffling.. I hope you're giving yourself time to process all of this... Make sure you look after your mental health and wellbeing. Give yourself time to process these overwhelming emotions.
Sending lots of love and strength xxxx
@Notsurewheretogo - Thank you. He has been urrested under suspicion of viewing illegal images. It's still so early for us - where it will end - I have no idea :( How did it end for you? Did your husband get his sentence in yet?
@Rainbowgirl80 - hugs back for sure! God only knows how much we all need those right now. Yes we can choose how we react and I think that by making a choice we are in control of a situation more (however much that is possible). Otherwise it's easy to be swept by a current of emotions - both good and back.
I am glad that things are slowly becoming whole for you all again. I guess the hope is that few years down the line things can be normal once again? That's the hope I cling onto anyway :(
@Rainbowgirl80 - hugs back for sure! God only knows how much we all need those right now. Yes we can choose how we react and I think that by making a choice we are in control of a situation more (however much that is possible). Otherwise it's easy to be swept by a current of emotions - both good and back.
I am glad that things are slowly becoming whole for you all again. I guess the hope is that few years down the line things can be normal once again? That's the hope I cling onto anyway :(
Reading everyone messages gives me renewed faith when I am feeling a bit lost.
I am the other side of it being publicised in the media and my fiance being put in prison for 18mths. Now 14mths to go......and I still get days where I waiver and feel like this is all too much for me......I am in the process of getting our house on the market as I can't afford to be here on my own with my 20mth old......trying to find somewhere to put down new roots without being too far from my job who have been amazing to me.
I still get days where I think I must be crazy.....what does my future hold with social services, with his dad being on the sor for 10years......there are so many questions sometimes I just block them out and deal with what is in front of me right now.......and right now I have a little man who needs his mummy to find a new place to live as we cannot live in the village we live in when he gets out.
They made that clear on the village website on fb.
Take care all you lovely people who make me feel that I am not alone xxx
I am the other side of it being publicised in the media and my fiance being put in prison for 18mths. Now 14mths to go......and I still get days where I waiver and feel like this is all too much for me......I am in the process of getting our house on the market as I can't afford to be here on my own with my 20mth old......trying to find somewhere to put down new roots without being too far from my job who have been amazing to me.
I still get days where I think I must be crazy.....what does my future hold with social services, with his dad being on the sor for 10years......there are so many questions sometimes I just block them out and deal with what is in front of me right now.......and right now I have a little man who needs his mummy to find a new place to live as we cannot live in the village we live in when he gets out.
They made that clear on the village website on fb.
Take care all you lovely people who make me feel that I am not alone xxx
My husband is still waiting for outcome, he was arrested under suspicision of communicating with a minor on KIK.
Police and SS told me t start of all this that this may just be tip of iceberg. However they have since searched all devices and found literally nothing else which is what my husband said they would find.
He has told them he wasn't remotely interested in that sort of thing and the reason why he was on there was to role-playing with adults.
Just waiting game but I just can't have this ruining my life and my childrens by being in the press. That is what scares me the most.
Keep strong xx
Police and SS told me t start of all this that this may just be tip of iceberg. However they have since searched all devices and found literally nothing else which is what my husband said they would find.
He has told them he wasn't remotely interested in that sort of thing and the reason why he was on there was to role-playing with adults.
Just waiting game but I just can't have this ruining my life and my childrens by being in the press. That is what scares me the most.
Keep strong xx
@notsurewheretogo.
I feel exactly the same about he whole press thing... I'm on the dge of an anxiety attack thinking about it.
I feel exactly the same about he whole press thing... I'm on the dge of an anxiety attack thinking about it.