Family and Friends Forum

Why do men do it.

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Sun January 6, 2019 7:31pmReport post

i know lots of people say the early weeks and months they question why their partners and people we know did something so morally wrong.



i recognise it isn’t a simple answer.



though what have people learned about their partners a long the way.

is it a psychological issue. A personality disorder. Self esteem and self confidence or do they really find underage children in abusive situations a turn on.

I just can’t comprehend why they would do something so stupid.



i know it’s a illegal surely they must too and why do they get off in collecting 10s or images. It’s like I am talking about someone I don’t know, when actually I shared a bed with my partner for 3 years and knew him for 10years.

It’s so hard.

i know I can’t go back to the blissful ignorance of not knowing.



These men hid these problems for years.



Aghh i I know I have so many questions to work through.

Edited by moderator Fri January 25, 2019 10:29pm

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Sun January 6, 2019 9:30pmReport post

Thanks do much for the virtual hug. This offence shatters lives. I am really struggling with why what we had Wanstead good enough, I was emotionally available to him.

It really messes with your head.

its so positive to have people who have experienced the pain and can put it into perspective.

in one way I am looking forward to spending time on me and my daughter. I am am very fearful of managing by myself financially. But know I don’t need a man in my life who lies and can’t appreciate we had a good relationship. I may not know why he did it but know I don’t want a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature.

I then guess I need to work out my own issues and why I feel the need to rescue people.



sorry my head is spinning. These men are so foolish for not seeing what they had was good enough and special.

Thanks so much for being so active on this site it really helps that you have been through this life shattering event. Not only of being lied to but it’s an illegal activity that ruins young children’s life’s.

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Sun January 6, 2019 9:34pmReport post

Sorry it cut off too soon.

we are the secondary victims. I don’t want to minanmise what the images show they are so inappropriate.

I am so greatful that the forum is here for family partners and ex partners. Society doesn’t realise that things are not as clear as right and wrong.



its so nice not to feel judged. Thanks for caring poster you bring me hope xx

Edited by moderator Wed July 8, 2020 1:42pm

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Sun January 6, 2019 11:35pmReport post

Thanks poster. I urgently need some counselling myself, I need talking therapy as opposed to medication.

I am so pleased your posting on the site. With hundreds of men being arrested weekly there should be more members. I hope people build the confidence to post its such an isolating offence and I feel I have no freedom to discuss my inner thoughts.

i also has no clue what he was doing and part of me feels guilty that he couldn’t open up to how he was feeling and his need to selfishly find his own solutions that were morally wrong. I know I am not to blame for this but something must have gk e wrong for him. I suppose part of me feels sorry for him.

though I am strong in my resolve to be a single mum. I know it will be hard. Although I pity my ex and want some sense of understanding I am very annoyed at what he threw away.



i just can’t see myself being vulnerable with another man again if he can deceive me then others can and that also messes with my head.



i though I was a good reader of people.

thanks for responding to me. I am so appreciative that you are looking after some of us who are very new to the knock.

With love

berh lou

Edited by moderator Wed July 8, 2020 1:42pm

Jaded

Member since
December 2018

202 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 12:11amReport post

Bethlou I can’t answer your questions, I simply don’t know the answer. But your questions and thoughts are very common ones. I think I can tell that your mind is racing and going round and round in ever decreasing circles. Counselling helped me to control my thoughts before they controlled me but occasionally my mind runs root again.

I just want to let you know that you’re not alone and to hope that you get some peace of mind eventually. You may never get the answers you want but you will get some equilibrium back in your life.

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 10:31amReport post

Honestly it helps more than you know.

There are so many waiting lists for counselling and emotional support but trying to access these. Having you all before this is making me go a little less crazy.

I am taking time off work so that will give me head space.

At this point I don’t want to even consider finding love again. I just want to get back to trusting people and finding equilibrium in my day to day life.

i truely hate dark secrets. I think your right it’s a fetish and he would have never opened up without the knock.

he must have some pretty serious inner demons.



though your right I couldn’t have stopped anything.



( don’t worry about your post count! We need active users, it’s so isolating I have very little place to turn)



i have not not had the strength to share this information with my sister yet and I know she would be nice. I just don’t want her feeling sorry for me. I need strong people to support me.

Paula

Member since
September 2018

80 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 11:08amReport post

Please don’t ever ‘pipe down’ poster. As Beth Lou says, it’s support and experience from you and others like you which is so incredibly valuable. I am sure there are also many other women drawing strength from these threads who haven’t posted ...yet. The feeling that no one understands...except others like us. I know for a fact that my ex would have carried on with his dark secret life viewing indecent images if he hadn’t been caught. And he never thought he would be.

As I’ve said before this is big stuff.Huge. And you are doing what you can to manage the emotional tsunami our partners have unleashed because of their behaviour. This is a v special group. And every day I am grateful I have you all to talk to if I need to.

We are here...

xx

Edited by moderator Wed July 8, 2020 1:42pm

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

448 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 7:10pmReport post

Hi

What you're feeling is so normal, I recognise every emotion.

I too don't feel I'll ever trust anyone again, of I didn't know that was going on under my nose then who's to say it can't happen again! My husband admitted he'd been looking at these foul image's since before we even met, I can assure you of I'd known I would never have let him through my door.

Had a loving, affectionate relationship yet he still felt the need to do this - I can't understand it!

Please ask of your keep posting, it really does help.

Lots of love to you all xx

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 10:05pmReport post

Thanks Tracey

your right its it’s so helpful posting as it’s so hard to have these conversations with friends and family.

I had the knock on 20th December right before Christmas. I am still processing it.

I to had no idea. Not one little bit, I have to go in for a meeting at work before I can return and I think they will simply not believe me. But nothing was off he was a good dad and husband. The knock pulled the rug from under me.

its good your husband was able to have an honest chat. Mine is still minamisinf every thing. To actively look up something so illegal and wrong. I just can’t process it.



to me it feels like it was two different people I just can’t reconcile the public personality with whom I shared a life with one who was so different privately.

I don’t know if I will get any answers any time soon,

i also am so worried about his well-being that I just can’t bring myself to question him too much at this point. He has to find a new flat and try and return to work after being off since the arrest.

I just can’t work our why I never saw anything wrong. I need a counsellor to help me unpick it in my own mind.

beth Lou



if women are very the knock daily and police are pointing people to the website. I do hope that more people will have the confidence to post.



together we can be strong I am sure.

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 10:07pmReport post

Getting the knock I mean . I really hate typing on my phone.

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

448 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 10:17pmReport post

Unfortunately my husband wouldn't know the truth if it hit him on the head.

He's lied, lied and lied again - he won't /can't take any responsibility for his actions.

When I said the videos (cat a) that were found hidden in a spare bedroom wardrobe on a sd card, were terrible his response was 'oh it's okay, you can't see who they are' unbelievable! !!

This whole situation is so damn awful, unless you have had the knock then people just can't understand how it feels.

I've been pretty good since Christmas, in a reasonable frame of mind, today in an office full of colleagues I had a panic attack, they obviously don't know about my situation so how do I explain that I'm not a complete nut case!!!

Let's keep slogging on a step at a time xx

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 10:55pmReport post

Tracey,

so it’s not just my husband who doesn’t get it, or is not willing to admit the truth.

i have not got back to work yet but worried that I will find it hard when I do. It’s not something you can really confide in people.

though it’s hard if your having a panic and people can’t seee how much pain your in.

i feel that incredibly crushing feeling that something bad is going to happen. I am taking each day a day at a time.

Self care is important but it’s harder said than done.

my personality is not one for sitting about relaxing. I like to be up and about problem solving but this is one problem I can’t solve. He got himself into this mess. And although I worry about him, I don’t think I really know him.

sending you lots of love.

Sorry that we are in this situation but so greatful that we can reach out to each other.

Steph

Member since
January 2019

1 post

Posted Sun February 24, 2019 5:07pmReport post

Hi I’m Steph and all this is very new and raw - I had the knock on the 4th of jan , no clue , my husband apparently has had this problem for sometime . We had everything we life good jobs home outlook and now it will go as his work requires him to have no criminal record . I keep asking myself why .. and I’m so lost

Big sigh

Member since
December 2018

244 posts

Posted Sun February 24, 2019 7:23pmReport post

Hi Steph

you poor thing, so glad you posted on here. I have found it invaluable and about a month ahead of you on this journey. The Lucy Faithfull website has some good resources on “why” but I honestly don’t think it is massively helpful to torture ourselves on the “why” question. It is like asking why somebody became an alcoholic. Looking back there are usually signs of stress, not coping etc which people don’t pick up on at the time. And then one day it’s too late. So concentrate your energies on yourself and keeping yourself well.x

KLK

Member since
October 2018

92 posts

Posted Tue February 26, 2019 9:59amReport post

Hi Steph,

I'm so sorry you are here with us all. This place has been my saviour and the helpline really helped me through the first few months. If you haven't already then give them a call, I promise they will help you x

Peggy

Member since
May 2019

10 posts

Posted Sat June 8, 2019 12:48pmReport post

Here is the post I put under title “brother“. I think I put it in the wrong place, my issue was that I confided in my brother who let me down and I wanted to tell the woman to be kind to her brother (the offender)

My situation is one of a wife who stayed with her husband who offended. Here is a little bit of what I hope will help some people.

This happened to me, it was my husband… I had similar thoughts to all the posts ,. One thing I can say is I promise it does get better. Be very careful what you say and who too. I made the mistake of telling my brother ( when it first happened and when I was rock bottom) who later told my whole family. It turned out that no one needed to know because it wasn’t in the papers. In a funny way, my family knowing was worse than what my husband had done.

I decided to stay with my husband, who I still love. We have been together 34 years have two beautiful adult children ( Who know and who stood by both of us) and had had a very successful happy marriage. Lots of people say this can’t be true otherwise why did he do what he did - but it is not as simple as that.



I did consider leaving and at one point was going to. But in the end I could not leave him and when I saw his desperate face and his garage full of his motorbike et cetera I thought how can I take this life from him. I guess that is love??



For those of you who are married to the offender and are wondering what to do my advice would be to listen to your heart, not to other people especially judgemental ones. Also remember if you stay it is you (not them) who is living with your husband. If you go it is you (not them) who is on your own. No one knows how you feel especially people who are not in your situation, and no one is entitled to judge.



I lost my two brothers and my sister because of this… And that is another horrible story how some people are so beautifully kind and some are horrible - no one knows how you feel especially people who are not in your situation, and no one is entitled to judge.



When it happened to me there was no forum and it is a very lonely place. Even the Lucy faithful website I found unhelpful, because it was focusing on the children (quite rightly) and just made me feel worse. Also I could never get through on the number. When I felt suicidal I phoned Crisis Helpline (given to my husband by the police) and then I had relate counselling (both my husband and separately) relate is totally brilliant - whether you decide to stay or separate. You can trust them and nothing shocks them. And I confided in some very special friends (2 doctors) who I trusted with my life (and who told no one) I also went to my GP who was brilliant and nonjudgemental. I think medical people judge less .



I also did some stupid things which I urge you not to do this includes staying up late at night reading websites with your iPad, (Leave your phone et cetera downstairs) ruminating over and over wondering why (I don’t think you ever will find out) Even now as I am dictating this I am saying to myself “let it go, get outside and do your gardening enjoy your life, life is too short” so, although these forums are a good idea please try not to dwell on it too much (really hard I know – the hardest thing I found is “letting go” and I still haven’t done so yet even now as I am dictating this I am saying to myself “let it go, get outside and do your garden and enjoy your life, life is too short“


The good things I did was keep my job (it was my salvation) be kind to myself, meditation, counselling, exercise (aqua classes can make you laugh and take your mind off it) and somehow lived in a double world. I also did gardening, crochet, knitting et cetera sounds trite but it really does help

Another thing that helped me “Acceptance“. At some point you have to accept that it has happened, my counsellor explained to me I cannot change the past I can only live in the present and think about the future. So, stop trying to make excuses for what he did et cetera but except it and move on.


I would have loved to have someone to talk to especially someone who decided to stay. Most people seem to leave and then I feel - am I mad to stay? This subject is so taboo it is difficult to correspond with someone in case anybody finds out.



I went to court with him and on the way in the car I said to him “ just remember you are a good man who did a bad thing.“ I truly believe that. Please remember your brother is still your brother, I assume he is a good man who did a bad thing. I think probably he doesn’t even know why he did it, and he needs to try to find out



For me This was all four years ago it has been a horrible journey. I have been to hell and back. I didn’t stay with him lightly and I still sometimes feel a fraud because everybody (who doesn’t know) thinks my husband is marvellous and I am extremely lucky to have him ! Sometimes I want to say “he’s not as great as you think you know , and he is bloody lucky to have me!” I did not stay with him lightly we had two years of counselling and I forced him to faced what he had done.



Sorry for the ramble, Right I really must now get on with my day and enjoy it set aside these thoughts – keep going warriors!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat June 8, 2019 3:00pmReport post

Hello Peggy I just read your inspirational post and just wanted to say thank you. It really helped me to read that today as I am struggling and had to leave the house for a couple of hours as I feel so much pressure on me and now shut in my bedroom having some me time to get my head a bit more normal. But reading your post made me realise that my choice to stay with my husband is my choice not anyone else's so thank you for making see that I am not weak and pathetic and that it can work eventually xx

Madeleine

Member since
November 2018

40 posts

Posted Sat June 8, 2019 10:54pmReport post

Thank-you Peggy for writing this. I found it really helpful and inspiring. I wish you well.

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

383 posts

Posted Sun June 9, 2019 12:46amReport post

Peggy

To echo the others thanks so much for writing your experiences. They help hugely. No one judges on here. I was very grateful to discotheque forum in the first week of the knock. How lonely to get through this independently. I am pleased you found us know. It’s nit all negative on here so don’t feel that looking at the forum is dwelling in the past. Your views mean the world to me and I am greatful. But also know being out in the garden is equally wonderful.

your counsellor gave you some good advice about the past being the past and to come to some form of acceptance . I am doing my best to get there. And feel that I am genuinely okay with my new normal..

i am sorry you were let down by your brother and family members. It’s good your adult children have been able to standby you both that shows a capacity for forehand maturity. You raised them well.

family members can’t advice they have not walked in our shoes. Honestly please don’t feel bad about standing by your husband. You know your life you know your husband is he has been on the recovery journey that also is huge.

My husband is still emotionally lost and needs to face his past depression and coping mechanism. I am not staying but I want him to be kind to himself and get better.

All our situations are different. I have huge respect for those who stay.

Love and care Beth Lou xxxx

Peggy

Member since
May 2019

10 posts

Posted Sun June 9, 2019 12:48amReport post

Thank you lee1969 and madeleine for thanking me - it made cry ! I am really grateful that I was able to help. One of the things I do is write a gratitude diary. One of my gratitudes today will be that I was able to offer a little bit of hope.

Lee - looks like you are very early on this horrible journey - stay strong and be kind to you and your family. You are not weak , you can do it , you are still here. Sometimes invisualise myself as a warrior so I can stay strong ????

May you find peace x

Peggy

Member since
May 2019

10 posts

Posted Sun June 9, 2019 12:50amReport post

Thanks Bethlou23 xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun June 9, 2019 1:28amReport post

Thank you Peggy for your reply xx I am very early in this journey which is so public and today was my really weak day but tomorrow I will be better!! I just got pushed too much this morning by kids that I needed to step back and think about me today. But reading your post made me realise I can do this xx

Peggy

Member since
May 2019

10 posts

Posted Sun June 9, 2019 9:57pmReport post

Hi lee1969, I was lucky, it didn’t go public, my children were adults so there was no service social services, and my husband is retired so he didn’t lose his job. In fact, for me, it is strange that nobody knows. The only people who know are those I had to tell.

If it is public and you have young children it is going to be much harder (I’m sorry) but please get all the help you need, maybe your GP to help you through the early days . If you have any questions please ask . You are not alone and you are braver and stronger than you know. Just remember I promise it will get better, at the moment you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, so just take it day by day .

Glen harold meditation app really helped me get to sleep ????

take care Xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun June 9, 2019 11:01pmReport post

Hello Peggy xx I have an 8 year old, 22 year old and 27 year old my husbands step children who have been so supportive and so fantastic!! It's more where we live that is the major problem but I am moving so a new adventure awaits us. And I am getting stronger only have a wobble every so often. My husband was sacked from his job 2 weeks ago and now just dealing with that as they won't return his property!! But most days I am OK I am getting support from my council and DWP and social services are more than useless!! Still in limbo with what the police are going to do so just waiting xx thank you for helping me see that people do survive this and come out the other side xx

whyus

Member since
May 2019

20 posts

Posted Mon June 10, 2019 9:05amReport post

Im so glad i found this thread.

I keep having feelings of not being good enough for him when really its him who was not good enough for me. I keep blaming myself; maybe if we "did the deed" more often or if i sat with him him instead of going to bed on a night or if id noticed he was a secret drinker or if id paid more attention to his "quirks" and got him help from a doctor sooner.

How do you stop blaming yourself for something someone else has done? Why wasnt i good enough.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon June 10, 2019 10:05amReport post

Hello whyus I am so sorry you are feeling like that hun Xx I have felt like that for 8 years as I dealt with my husbands porn addiction and blamed myself completely for him seeking other women to talk to. But through this horrific experience we are learning the root problem with this addiction and am truly starting to realise its not my fault!! I found a link on a thread here I think it's called the guilt and shame to a website called fight the new drug and there are 3 videos which I would totally recommend watching it helped me so much and I hope it will help others. I have read so many books including the porn trap which is brilliant. Through educating myself about this horrible addiction that is so taboo I have started to get my self esteem back and that this was not my fault there was nothing I could do about his dark secret. I don't know if I am making any sense or if any of this will help but I don't feel so angry at myself xx

MikkeyQ4

Member since
June 2019

5 posts

Posted Fri June 14, 2019 7:41amReport post

yeah, there are such situations, for example my girl cheated on me....

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

448 posts

Posted Mon June 17, 2019 7:40pmReport post

MikkeyQ4

While I sympathise with you over your gf cheating on you I don't see how that would possibly excuse looking at IIOC.

If this is the case maybe your could find help through the Lucy faithful trust or your GP

I don't think your comment was helpful in anyway to the ladies in this link

nicenana

Member since
March 2019

211 posts

Posted Mon June 17, 2019 9:04pmReport post

Hi all

I completely agree with the above comment. Someone cheating is by no means a reason to view indecent images. My son never did look at images. It was all communication. My son was very honest about what he had done and why he thought he’d done it. Had he told me he did it because he was cheated on I’d have hit the roof. There are abused males and females out there who wouldn’t dream of looking for or looking at indecent images. I get that someone can be drawn into an addiction and stray onto things they shouldn’t but saying you looked at them because you were cheated on is borderline ridiculous. As the above poster advises, it’s an idea to seek help from a gp. I wish you well all the same as I do relate to anyone going through what we all going through on this site.

Jaded

Member since
December 2018

202 posts

Posted Mon June 17, 2019 10:18pmReport post

MikkeyQ4, have a long hard think about your response. If you really think you looked at such images simply because your girlfriend cheated on you I’d suggest you need specialist help. It’s not as simple as that, you know that if you were totally honest with yourself.

Lucy from Stop it Now!

Member since
September 2018

157 posts

Posted Tue June 18, 2019 10:28amReport post

Dear all,

This thread looks like it has lead to some really helpful and valuable discussion. It is great to read the support you are offering one another, and your clarity that none of you are responsible for your loved-one / partner / former partner's behaviour: only they are.

MikkeyQ4, this forum is for the use of friends or family member's of someone who has viewed sexual images of children online. If that does not describe you, please call our Stop It Now! helpline on 0808 1000 900 instead of posting here.

Thank you,

Lucy

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri July 3, 2020 11:54pmReport post

Hi everyone I spent ages trying to find this thread as there was a post on here by a lovely lady called peggy that I read a long time ago that really helped me realise that my choices are my choices no one elses and I hope it will help others who are struggling xx honestly it really helped me so much xx sending you all hugs xx

Rainbowgirl80

Member since
May 2020

147 posts

Posted Sat July 4, 2020 10:27amReport post

Thanks for this bump up.... Wow Peggy is such an inspiration!

It would be so useful to know how things are now x

Marie

Member since
December 2020

6 posts

Posted Thu December 31, 2020 3:28amReport post

I just want to say that Peggy's post from a few years ago & others has been a lifechanging moment for me today - it's like I have finally taken a breath on a 3 year journey to hell with no-one that knows how it is - and now I have found people that know - I honestly thought I was the only one on the planet that would 'stay' and there was something terribly wrong with me.

I am picturing Peggy in her garden and I feel a little bit of peace and hope

Thankyou from the depths of my tortured soul - all of you

x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue January 19, 2021 6:37pmReport post

I thought I'd comment on this post as the lovely peggy has given me some hope. Her post was very inspiring. I'm very early on in all this ( two weeks ago we had the knock) I found her words a great comfort as I am 100% supporting my husband and want to get through this horrific time. I've done no end of googling these last few days and found so many articles about porn addiction and the dark dark place it takes people. It's really not black and white is it. Right now we are waiting to go back to answer bail. My husband had his laptop and phone taken and he told me he had downloaded iioc. He's so so remorseful and a broken man for what he's done. There's been a lot of tears, a hell of lot but I want him in my life, a life that was happy, full and hectic before all this hell descended on us. We have kids, daughter 18 and son nearly 16 so god knows what the ss will do ( they've not been in touch since the knock)

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 6:59pmReport post

Wow I have read peggs story and it made me cry happy tears to know that people do make it and the past is the past I am only 3 months in but this has give me the strength and confidence to keep going in this fight and also inspired me thank u so much pegg thank u xx

Heartbroken

Member since
January 2021

3 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 7:00amReport post

I am very new to this as we got the knock less than a week ago, I am in shock still. After what I believe to be an honest discussion with my other half it was porn addiction not paedophilia that took him down this devastating spiral. I have left him and am heartbroken. I feel guilty for not spotting any signs, even the porn addiction was a shock, I knew he used it a lot in the past but had no idea he was using it on such a large scale. I wish he had felt able to talk to me, then maybe I could have helped him to seek help before it got this far. My emotions are spinning and although I still love him I know I can't be with him, and feel I will never love again.

In limbo

Member since
January 2021

36 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 5:50pmReport post

It has taken me 9 months to pluck up the courage to use this forum. At the moment i feel so alone atfer splitting up with my husband in August.

He downloaded and distributed catagory A iioc. Totally denied it when arrested and refused to discuss it for 10 weeks. It was lockdown and I waited 9 weeks before telling my daughters as I do not live near them and did not want them to worry about me.

I posted a message on Friday and no one responded so i posted again yesterday , but that post is nowhere to be seen. I am not sure if I posted it properly.

I now realise that there are a lot of other people like me that had no idea what their partners were up to. I was with him 10 year and married 6 years. He was my soulmate and best friend and I would have trusted him with my life. the knock blew my world apart. how am I ever going to trust another man.

nicenana

Member since
March 2019

211 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 7:58pmReport post

Hi in limbo

im sorry to hear you've had to end up on this forum through no fault of your own. My situation is a bit different because my son is the offender and it was a communication offence. I never had the decision whether to stay or go as I'm his mother. I felt as his mother I had no real choice but to stay put and support him. I also didn't have to go through the whole images and video thing as he had neither. Well he did have a handful of images but they were of the girl he had been chatting to.

The way new posts are put up on this forum has changed and it's not always easy for people to find new post since it all changed. I find that I comment on the most recent post about my situation , apologise for the hi jack and ask the other ladies for advice.

There are many ladies on here better placed to advise you than me. Some have stayed and some have not but nobody judges anyone on this forum. They are a very good bunch who offer a lot of support to old and new on this forum. Hope you get some replies x

In limbo

Member since
January 2021

36 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 10:22pmReport post

Thank you Nicenana.

thank you for replying.

I totally understand you sticking by your son. i may have stuck by my husband if he had been honest with me. I feel like I no longer know him as I have found out lots of things that he has done and lied to me about.

I do not know how he could hide his addiction to porn (which is what it is) for 10 years. He just sulked and lied for 10 weeks and made me feel I had let him down when I told him it was over.

nicenana

Member since
March 2019

211 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 10:54pmReport post

Hi in limbo

I cannot imagine how it feels for a lady when the offender denies the lot and then the lady finds out it's lies. It must also be devastating to not have known about his porn addiction. Stupid man for not taking responsibility because as you say, you may have stood by him had he been honest.

my son ( fortunately for us) was honest from day one about the fact he had been chatting to a 14 and a half year old on the internet. He also took full responsibility for what he had done and knew it was wrong. He's been in prison for a good while now but he tells us every day how bad, sad and guilty he feels to have put us through what we had to go through. We tell him we don't want him to feel bad etc. We want him to come home, get on with his life and never do this again. That's all the thanks for standing by him we will ever need.

I remember the day of his arrest. He called to explain things to me as the police were in his house. From that moment I couldn't help but wonder if our son was telling us everything or not. He spent Friday to Monday at the police station, went to court on Monday and got bailed until the court case. Here in Scotland the police have authority to charge as we gave no cos so that's why he was kept until the Monday.

when he got home on the Monday I told him I wanted to hear from his solicitor exactly what had gone on. He gave solicitor permission to tell me everything and what he had told me was exactly what the solicitor told me. I was hugely relieved at that because standing by someone who has done this can only really work if there is transparency and honesty on both sides. My son knows we don't agree with what he did but he knows we still love him and will support him.

I remember in the beginning thinking I was never going to cope with what had happened and I nearly didn't .we left our home of many years even although nobody approached us. We left because I couldn't cope with the thought that everyone was probably talking about us each and every time we left our front door.
I honestly think the most important thing you can do right now is look after your own mental and physical health. I did not do this and it very nearly ended me. You will get through this but it does take time. You will have or will go through every emotion possible but you will also in time move on and one day you will wake up and it won't be the first thing you think of. Once you get to that point, things will start to get better.

I take from your post you may not have any children with your partner? If this is the case at least you won't have to put up with social services intruding on your life. I also take from your post that it's over with your partner?
I hope some other ladies see your post and give some support to you in due course. X

nicenana

Member since
March 2019

211 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 10:57pmReport post

Also, I'm not sure if you've read through other posts but, there is a lady on here called yazzan I think or similar. It sound to me like you and her story are similar. She stood by her partner but he had lied and lied to her. She does not come on here so much now but I hope she sees your post when she does as I feel she would understand a lot of what your going through x

In limbo

Member since
January 2021

36 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 10:54amReport post

Thank you nicenana. I really appreciate you getting back to me. I have felt so alone. My 2 daughters have been amazing, especially as i did not tell them for 9 weeks. we are very close and talk about everything, but i live 3 hours away from one and my other daughter lives the other side of the world. I could not visit due to the lockdown. I did not want them to worry. Not telling them was one of the hardest things i have ever done.

You are right ,luckily we did not have any children together. I lost my wonderfull husband of 30 years to Cancer 12 years ago and met my current husband 10 years ago and have been married 6 years. When I met him I fell head over heals in love with him and considered myself lucky to have had 2 amazing people fall in love with me.

Over the years I have suspected that he watched adult porn, by the odd comments he made. Allthough i didn't like it, I excepted it and thought it was just mild porn (if there is such a thing). The police said it was catergory A and very bad. I never suspected it involved IIOC. He has never shown any interest in that way as far as i know.

I like to think i am clued up, but I do not know much about internet porn.I am told there is no way it was sent by accident. I don't even know what the dark web really is, or incrypted messages. He said it automatically shared it to others and that he cant remember how much he watched, what it was about or how old the child was.

In limbo

Member since
January 2021

36 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 11:12amReport post

Hi Nicenana. Me again.

I tried to save my marriage for 3 months, but he would not talk about it. He came home and carried on as if nothing had happened. If I tried to talk he would say that I did not believe him and thought he was guilty. I wanted to understand,but i was (and still am so angry). The knock was like a bomb had been placed between us and our world had imploded.

Since splitting up, I have learnt a lot about him that I didnt know and do not like. Everything he told me about his marriage break up and lost of contact with his children was all lies. His son tracked him down and told me the truth. I also found out that he had got credit cards behind my back and run up debts. Lied to his employer, family and friends. They all felt they could not warn me as they thought he had changed and that we were truely happy together.

Had he been honest I would have supported him and not found out all the other stuff. I realise now that he used emotional blackmail.

I used to love my home and was proud of it. Now it is just a roof over my head and somewhere to sleep. I often work for weeks without a day off, just to be out of the house with lockdown. My family, friends and my job have been my salvation. Everytime a car goes past I hld my breath, wondering if its going to be the police or someone will find out and smash my windows in. People think "how could she not know about it". I can honestly say i would have thought the same once. only people like us that have been through it can understand what it is like to have complete strangers knock and search your house from top to bottom and take things. To think they went through my underwear and personel space makes me feel violated.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 11:56amReport post

In limbo I'm so sorry you are here. It saddens me so much when I see the devastation that the men carry on causing after the knock. The shock of police going through your home and being arrested sitting in a cell you would hope would wake them up to their behaviour and the consequences of their actions and that they have to see that now being honest can only help them not hinder them. You have been so brave by taking charge and seeing you deserve better and not be gaslighted none of his behaviour is your doing or your fault!! Obviously you have found out alot more since leaving and its painful but now you know the truth and can start to put yourself first. Look after you ring the helpline, see your gp and get some counselling so you can get all your thoughts and feelings out of your head and start repairing you!! Sorry to say some of these men are past helping and can only put themselves above everyone and cant see the damage they cause and so now think about you!! I know it's hard my lovely but it can be done. Go back over this forum to older posts and you will gain strength from others that have had to leave and have become stronger by making that decision. Keep coming here as there is lots of support and understanding xx sending big hugs xx

Prinsess

Member since
February 2021

4 posts

Posted Sun February 14, 2021 11:10pmReport post

Hi whyus

I feel the same as you about the guilt was it coz I not good enough for him does he not find me attractive anymore is it coz my body as changed the guilt I feel is horrible how I could never have guessed someone who as always been my rock could hurt me in the worst possible way I feel so stupid not having any idea what was going on while I was lying in bed watching tv