How I helped my son understand why he wouldn't be seeing his dad again
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After the knock and he left our lives and I had decided I didn't want him to have any contact with the children, I had some support from a Family support practitioner who helped me and my 6 year old make a word and pictures book which was all very helpful. We had one problem no one knew how to word why his dad had gone. The social worker wanted it to be about police and the Internet but I had managed to shield my son from all of that and I felt he was far too young to try and understand the internet side of things.
It took me a while but I found a way to help explain it and I wanted to share it here in case it can help any of you struggling.
My ex had demons that he told no one about so I was able to use this to help my son. I wanted to tell him the truth without telling him details.
" we knew daddy as a man who loved us very much. But daddy got scribbles in his head (i drew a head and put some scribbles in) daddy could have come to mummy, a friend or a doctor to help him with the scribbles but he didn't. Daddy decided to try and fix it himself. "
(this was his explanation for looking at the images, trying to understand what had happened to him)
" but when daddy tried to fix it himself, he made the scribbles worse (I drew more and more scribbles). The scribbles got in the way of all the important things daddy knew he had to do. Daddy knew his most important job as your daddy was to keep you safe but he didn't know how to do that anymore. (i explained all those scribbles on the picture were stopping him from getting to the part of his brain that told him how to keep his children safe). Daddy knew that if he couldn't keep you safe he had to go away and he wouldn't be able to come back. " It was important to seperate up the head from his heart, he still loved him and that would never change. Also a great educational moment for mental health to explain how important it is to talk to someone when you have scribbles in your head because that will help to rub the scribbles out.
Obviously this is very open to your own interpretation and can be changed to suit your circumstances. It really helped my son feel like the why question had been answered. It was understandably horrific for us both but it's a base for me to build on as he gets older and I need to give him more details. And most importantly I haven't had to lie to him, and of course if his dad does ever have contact again it will help him understand that he is able to because he got proper help to get rid of the scribbles in his head.
It took me a while but I found a way to help explain it and I wanted to share it here in case it can help any of you struggling.
My ex had demons that he told no one about so I was able to use this to help my son. I wanted to tell him the truth without telling him details.
" we knew daddy as a man who loved us very much. But daddy got scribbles in his head (i drew a head and put some scribbles in) daddy could have come to mummy, a friend or a doctor to help him with the scribbles but he didn't. Daddy decided to try and fix it himself. "
(this was his explanation for looking at the images, trying to understand what had happened to him)
" but when daddy tried to fix it himself, he made the scribbles worse (I drew more and more scribbles). The scribbles got in the way of all the important things daddy knew he had to do. Daddy knew his most important job as your daddy was to keep you safe but he didn't know how to do that anymore. (i explained all those scribbles on the picture were stopping him from getting to the part of his brain that told him how to keep his children safe). Daddy knew that if he couldn't keep you safe he had to go away and he wouldn't be able to come back. " It was important to seperate up the head from his heart, he still loved him and that would never change. Also a great educational moment for mental health to explain how important it is to talk to someone when you have scribbles in your head because that will help to rub the scribbles out.
Obviously this is very open to your own interpretation and can be changed to suit your circumstances. It really helped my son feel like the why question had been answered. It was understandably horrific for us both but it's a base for me to build on as he gets older and I need to give him more details. And most importantly I haven't had to lie to him, and of course if his dad does ever have contact again it will help him understand that he is able to because he got proper help to get rid of the scribbles in his head.
Thankyou so much for sharing this. I have a baby with my ex (he was arrested when I was pregnant) and a son of a similar age to yours from a previous relationship who i have struggled to explain things to. I have basically said that my ex loves us but was ill in his head, and that when people are unwell in that way they sometimes do things that hurt ppl. This is why we don’t see him now and why he hasn’t seen his daughter.
I think your explanation is age appropriate and helpful without giving too many details.
Thankyou . Xx
I think your explanation is age appropriate and helpful without giving too many details.
Thankyou . Xx
I'm so pleased this has been helpful to you x
A great idea to show it as visual. And I think can work across many young ages. Has anyone been given good advice on how to explain to young children? My partner and I have no idea what has been said to his young kids and I am concerned that if the mother doesn't let us know that we will confuse them more.
Currently trying to get visitation rights but wanting to think ahead and consider how to approach the subject with them when he finally gets to see them (at this rate will be nearer 4 years since he last spoke to them!). I'm hoping his ex will at least see the benefit of trying to match our approachs. Might suggest this way of explaining with the scribbles
Currently trying to get visitation rights but wanting to think ahead and consider how to approach the subject with them when he finally gets to see them (at this rate will be nearer 4 years since he last spoke to them!). I'm hoping his ex will at least see the benefit of trying to match our approachs. Might suggest this way of explaining with the scribbles