Family and Friends Forum

What contact has been approved?

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

336 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 7:38pmReport post

Once the case has been heard how much contact & what restrictions have been approved by SS?

My ex has decided that now he has completed the 3 year Community Order in November 2018 we should all just move on from his conviction: apparently I am the only one still punishing him & I am using the children to do it. This opinion has been echoed to me by his Mum who currently does the supervising for 5 hours once a fortnight. Note: he is on the register for another 2 years. He has sent the most horrible texts to me over the weekend because I reminded him that the supervised only access will remain in place until they are adults. He claims he has "rights" to see his children...no mate twisted thinking: your children have a right to know who their father is (which I have facilitated throughout with appropriate safeguarding measures) you simply have a parental responsibility towards them. I can't believe his attitude to me... I have kept the messages as evidence.

I am in the horrible uncomfortable position of needing to go back to SS to ask for an up to date Contact Agreement as the current one was drawn up by my old borough in the weeks just after the Knock & it actually states "until the Police investigation is complete". My new borough said they wouldn't update it at Easter 2018 unless I said my children were at risk as the principles of supervised access only were still valid. They are safe but I need something in writting which my ex will respect now. Voluntarily inviting SS in feels super scary as I feel out of control when they are involved.

Tired of the drama but I am a lioness protecting my cubs so I'll do what it takes!xx

Edited by moderator Fri January 25, 2019 10:44pm

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

373 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 7:55pmReport post

Obviously I am new to this. My daughter sees her dad once a week for two hours. Though that’s because it’s not sunk in and I may want to reduce this further later on.

The point of contact is to maintain a relationship with the other parent. It seems that your boys can do that every two weeks for five hours.



plus what do they want? I think if a social worker came they would asses their wishes and feelings. Don’t be fearful of them they will know your protecting them and it may be good to have someone independently to tell their dad what you already know.



they will also have friends to visit birthday parties to go to. Every two weeks seems adequate and good enough to facilitate a relationship.



i am pretty sure my weekly contact will reduce to longer but less frequently.

Its quality of time not quantity of time.



Whats awful is they got themselves in this mess. If it was just a break up. Then the partner could do weekend dad things and have them overnight, but due to the nature of their foolishness they can’t have any unsupervised contact till the children are 18.

You are in your rights to do what’s best for your boys and the fact your considering asking children services to independently assess shows your being a reasonable person..



all the best. If you are three years in a guess things are not a quick fix and the ramifications of the partners behaviour behind a computer impact for a while.



keep us updated .

Maria

Member since
September 2018

238 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 9:02pmReport post

Does he really think sending you texts like that will help get what he wants, he should be showing what a changed man he is and taking responsibilty for his actions. Inviting ss in again must be very daunting but it shows you are looking out for your kids and keeping them safe. Does he not have to go to ss to change access agreements?it seems so unfair that its all down to you. You are doing what is right to protect the kids and still give him a chance to spend time with them. Im sorry i cannot offer any help, im only at the beginning.

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

336 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 9:53pmReport post

I did weekly contact for 2 hours for 3.5 years. In November I moved it to double the time once a fortnight as I was resenting killing time every Saturday in my home town shopping or visiting friends if they were free.

You are right he has to go to SS to change contact arrangements but in the meantime his attitude is such I don't want to drive the 2 hour round trip to facilitate the contact at the moment because I am just plain cross. As I haven't got anything in writting he acts like I'm being unreasonable & his mum supports that which makes me question her suitability as the supervisory adult as she is influenced by him.

It is all a bit messy again. I am going to call SS tomorrow & hope I get a different duty SW who is more receptive to me wanting some clarity on arrangements. I want to do right by the kids but right now I just want to take him out of the equation!!xx

Krissie

Member since
October 2018

57 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 9:55pmReport post

I was told that as long as my ex is on the sex offender register he cant see our daughter unsupervised. I would say it would be the same for him. I think any contact with social services is scary. Im dreading my ex coming out of prison for the same reason. Why cant they see that we are not punishing them but making sure our children are safe

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

231 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 10:09pmReport post

What a horrible situation for you.

Absolutely you must protect your children and of course his mother can see no wrong in her little darling - it was probably someone's else fault anyway!!!

Please don't lose heart, keep doing what you think and know is right for the children and you.

This makes me so glad my boys are adults, you mums of little ones are so strong, keep your chins up and heads held high YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!!!

I'mhoping you get a positive response from SS tomorrow

Xx

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

373 posts

Posted Mon January 7, 2019 11:31pmReport post

Yes please let us know how it goes tomorrow, you offer so much support to us. Hope we can do the same for you and you get a nice social worker.

like people have said your only trying to do what’s best for your children. It’s not about your relationship with your ex.

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

336 posts

Posted Tue January 8, 2019 12:01pmReport post

I did it. I called them. Spoke to a kind lady who once again reiterated that they would NOT update my Contact Agreement as the children are not at risk. I got upset on the phone & I felt she genuinely understood my concerns. My only route to get clarity is to go to Court.

More soul searching on a dog walk needed. Just like at Easter I'm guessing all my tears/upset/stress will just lead me to carrying on doing what I have done because my boys love seeing their Dad.

I feel so cross, unsupported & pressured into maintaining contact with this man who I wish I could walk away from.

This is so unfair.

Right, dog walk followed by M&S cake, ONWARDS!!xx

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

231 posts

Posted Tue January 8, 2019 1:52pmReport post

I live M&S cake, wish I was there with you, no just for that but to sort you too.

It does seem terribly unfair but then nothing about these situations are fair to us!!

I wish the authorities realised the effect it has on families, partners etc

Stay strong xx

Tracey

Member since
December 2018

231 posts

Posted Tue January 8, 2019 1:53pmReport post

Meant to say support you - useless using a phone for this!!!

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

373 posts

Posted Tue January 8, 2019 3:19pmReport post

Sending you lots of loves.

So pleased you felt listened to today

i think your being really mature and your children will realise that when they grow up. It is such a difficult situation that we can’t just walk away once children are involved.

xxx

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

336 posts

Posted Tue January 8, 2019 4:12pmReport post

Thank you Tracey & Beth-Lou...M&S Lemon Muffin definitely helped!

I spoke to my ex mother-in-law this afternoon who once again said it is so hard for her when I said i was struggling but did reiterate that she promises not to leave them alone with him so I feel reassured. Supervised contact arranged for Saturday. Hummph once again I have to be the reasonable one as he sent another petty text this afternoon which makes me want to tell him to F off!! Thanks for being there as last night I felt very alone with it xx

Sad sad

Member since
December 2018

25 posts

Posted Tue January 8, 2019 6:48pmReport post

Onwards & upwards... I think you are being very brave . Dealing with all of this is not easy.

Big hug to you

Onwards&upwards

Member since
October 2018

336 posts

Posted Fri January 11, 2019 10:29pmReport post

Update

Yesterday I spoke to quite a formidable Family Lawyer. She said I absolutely did NOT need to go to Court to establish that current arrangements are legal. Whilst he is on licence until November 2020 he does have it in B&W about the no unsupervised access to minors. After that point she reiterated that my insistence on supervised access is in line with Children Services advice & if he wants to change that then he is to apply to the Court himself.

In other words I just need to Woman Up & if he tries his arrogant chat about it not being on my terms in the future I simply push back or not let him see the kids at all (which I wouldn't do because they love him).

Judges do do random things & allow increased contact however if they insisted on that then I would tell the kids what he did so they can safeguard themselves...so I need to stand down & let the fight come to me in the future IF he does take me to Court.

No support from SS & now even lawyers say they don't want to help right now. I've licked my wounds today & now take comfort from the fact that I'm seen as a safeguarding adult so no-one needs to be involved. Onwards & Upwards xx

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