Can I forgive him?
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Hello,
I'm new to the group and need some support. My partner was arrested last week for possession and distribution (not making but sharing links) of IIOC Category A, B and C. We are only 21 years old and been together 7 years. He's my soul mate and we were in the finalising stages of buying our first house (this has fallen through due to job insecurity related to his case). My main dreams in life are to have children and become a primary teacher (doing my PGCE now). Do I need to try and move on despite the immense love and commitment I have to him for the sake of my future? This is truly heartbreaking and I feel immensely lost and lonely.
I'm new to the group and need some support. My partner was arrested last week for possession and distribution (not making but sharing links) of IIOC Category A, B and C. We are only 21 years old and been together 7 years. He's my soul mate and we were in the finalising stages of buying our first house (this has fallen through due to job insecurity related to his case). My main dreams in life are to have children and become a primary teacher (doing my PGCE now). Do I need to try and move on despite the immense love and commitment I have to him for the sake of my future? This is truly heartbreaking and I feel immensely lost and lonely.
Hi
Our cases are similar and reading ur post I’d thought I’d reach out to u.
Last Monday we had the knock, he was arrested and all devices removed from the home. We are into our 1st year of buying the house which I so wish we hadn’t bothered going through with.
We were together 7 years but I’d known him a lot longer before that I have 2 children though a daughter from a previous relationship and a son with him.
I still love him while hating him at the same time and worry about his mental health and don’t know what the future holds for us yet. He’s moved out the family home and doesn’t see the kids at all.
I sspoke to my partner he talked about a porn additction from a young age and click on the stopitnow link on the main page on here and found it very helpful and insightful.
We work together he’s suspended without pay and I’m on the sick at the moment. I can’t go in and face all the questions asking where he is? Why is he off?
Ive no one to talk to. His family stay in regular contact with him where as no one seems to bother with me. I feel like they blame me somehow.
Please reply I’m on and off here all day and please read some of the other posts on here were all in this together and to support one another
Stay strong and stay safe.
Rusty x
Our cases are similar and reading ur post I’d thought I’d reach out to u.
Last Monday we had the knock, he was arrested and all devices removed from the home. We are into our 1st year of buying the house which I so wish we hadn’t bothered going through with.
We were together 7 years but I’d known him a lot longer before that I have 2 children though a daughter from a previous relationship and a son with him.
I still love him while hating him at the same time and worry about his mental health and don’t know what the future holds for us yet. He’s moved out the family home and doesn’t see the kids at all.
I sspoke to my partner he talked about a porn additction from a young age and click on the stopitnow link on the main page on here and found it very helpful and insightful.
We work together he’s suspended without pay and I’m on the sick at the moment. I can’t go in and face all the questions asking where he is? Why is he off?
Ive no one to talk to. His family stay in regular contact with him where as no one seems to bother with me. I feel like they blame me somehow.
Please reply I’m on and off here all day and please read some of the other posts on here were all in this together and to support one another
Stay strong and stay safe.
Rusty x
Thank you for replying
I can't imagine what you are going through with two children too. Part of me is happy it's been discovered now rather than in 5 years time, when we'd be married with children and I'd be a teacher. I'm also on sick leave but he's still trying to go into work as normal until he is charged and has to tell them. He's hoping he can keep his job since he went to uni and worked immensely hard to get it.
My family and friends are extremely close to my partner so trying avoiding answering too many questions as it's paining me too much to properly think about what's happened. I'm mostly concerned about his welfare and the future, when everyone finds out.
He's now moved out of our home and is living with his parents. I don't honestly think we could make a relationship work after this but I know I need to be there for him as it might be horrible for me but I could still have a relatively normal life after this, unlike himself. So all I can do now I suppose is prepare for life without my soul mate and prepare for the future when people know.
I hope you and your children are doing okay, it's an extremely lonely situation and it's horrible distancing yourself and lying to your close ones.
I can't imagine what you are going through with two children too. Part of me is happy it's been discovered now rather than in 5 years time, when we'd be married with children and I'd be a teacher. I'm also on sick leave but he's still trying to go into work as normal until he is charged and has to tell them. He's hoping he can keep his job since he went to uni and worked immensely hard to get it.
My family and friends are extremely close to my partner so trying avoiding answering too many questions as it's paining me too much to properly think about what's happened. I'm mostly concerned about his welfare and the future, when everyone finds out.
He's now moved out of our home and is living with his parents. I don't honestly think we could make a relationship work after this but I know I need to be there for him as it might be horrible for me but I could still have a relatively normal life after this, unlike himself. So all I can do now I suppose is prepare for life without my soul mate and prepare for the future when people know.
I hope you and your children are doing okay, it's an extremely lonely situation and it's horrible distancing yourself and lying to your close ones.
Hi,
My ex partner was arrested in feb for similar. I was 5 months pregnant with our daughter at the time ( I also have a son from a previous relationship) My whole world fell apart that night and I was in complete shock for several weeks afterwards.
I would say don’t make any decisions yet, wait for the shock to subside. Have you spoken with your partner about what he did? ( sorry if this was mentioned in your post but I can’t scroll up to see)
for me personally Im not able to get over what he did, and the consequences of his actions are devastating. I too wanted to have a family with my partner, I thought he was my soul mate. Some ladies on here have managed to keep their families together through this, but it is extremely stressful to have social services involved ( and they will be involved if your partner is charged, placed on the sex offenders register and is subject to a sexual harm prevention order)
As you are both still young there is chance that this could be behind you in 10 years time ( maybe other ladies on here could advise you better in this respect) It depends on if your partner is willing to access help and the reasons behind his offending I think ( ie is it a sexual interest in children or a porn addiction)
Im 40, and I chose to end the relationship and lead as relative normal life as i can. As devastated and angry and disgusted as I am, I still love him and miss him. I don’t know if these feelings will ever go away.
The helpline are good and I had counselling through stop so . It’s helped me to come to terms and make decisions.
Im sorry you’ve found yourself in this horrible place. Xx
My ex partner was arrested in feb for similar. I was 5 months pregnant with our daughter at the time ( I also have a son from a previous relationship) My whole world fell apart that night and I was in complete shock for several weeks afterwards.
I would say don’t make any decisions yet, wait for the shock to subside. Have you spoken with your partner about what he did? ( sorry if this was mentioned in your post but I can’t scroll up to see)
for me personally Im not able to get over what he did, and the consequences of his actions are devastating. I too wanted to have a family with my partner, I thought he was my soul mate. Some ladies on here have managed to keep their families together through this, but it is extremely stressful to have social services involved ( and they will be involved if your partner is charged, placed on the sex offenders register and is subject to a sexual harm prevention order)
As you are both still young there is chance that this could be behind you in 10 years time ( maybe other ladies on here could advise you better in this respect) It depends on if your partner is willing to access help and the reasons behind his offending I think ( ie is it a sexual interest in children or a porn addiction)
Im 40, and I chose to end the relationship and lead as relative normal life as i can. As devastated and angry and disgusted as I am, I still love him and miss him. I don’t know if these feelings will ever go away.
The helpline are good and I had counselling through stop so . It’s helped me to come to terms and make decisions.
Im sorry you’ve found yourself in this horrible place. Xx
Hi,
I'm so sorry you've ended up in this group with us all.
I know exactly how you're feeling as I'm in the same boat at 30. Been together 4.5 years married 18months. Had planned to start a family next year.
He is so remorseful for what he has put everyone but especially me through which doesn't make it easier and I love him so much. I'm so undecided what to do. I would love to think we can get through it and it all be a big secret but I don't know if I can put myself through the mental and emotional stress the foreseeable might be.
I'm only a month in and have decided not to make any decisions until everything is finalised and even then just take my time.
All I can say is take your time to process everything. I really think there's no right or wrong answer. And you will in time come to a decision that's best for YOU
Take care and use this support forum whenever you need. I've found there are some amazing women on it.
I'm so sorry you've ended up in this group with us all.
I know exactly how you're feeling as I'm in the same boat at 30. Been together 4.5 years married 18months. Had planned to start a family next year.
He is so remorseful for what he has put everyone but especially me through which doesn't make it easier and I love him so much. I'm so undecided what to do. I would love to think we can get through it and it all be a big secret but I don't know if I can put myself through the mental and emotional stress the foreseeable might be.
I'm only a month in and have decided not to make any decisions until everything is finalised and even then just take my time.
All I can say is take your time to process everything. I really think there's no right or wrong answer. And you will in time come to a decision that's best for YOU
Take care and use this support forum whenever you need. I've found there are some amazing women on it.
Thank you for responding.
We have spoken about it and I do believe what he has told me. He had a very traumatic childhood (no excuse) and originally downloaded the images when he was a minor himself, so as horrible as it sounds, to see people his age. When he downloaded the files, he had no choice what was in it and it had some very disturbing things in it but being the lazy b****** he is, he didn't delete all those things and just viewed the young adult images and videos. The files also had legitimate pornography in too. Unfortunately, he kept these files on his devices until he was arrested.
He has told me it's a porn addiction and is already looking into all the support networks and rehabilitation he can get, although he truly believes he'd never want to look anything like this again. He said, it never even crossed his mind that this could ever happen and couldn't imagine being able to watch legitimate porn again, never mind worse.
I know he'd never harm a minor so I'm not necessarily worried about re-offending, I'm just worried about the reprecussions of his charges. I think if he was given a community sentence, no more than 10 years on the register and SHPO and hopefully no media coverage, I think we could work through this and potentially still have a family, just later?
But then comes the issues of me wanting to be a teacher which is still a problem. I suppose I need to just wait until the charges have been made before I make any drastic decisions. I just know my head is telling me to do differently to what my heart is telling me.
Thank you for helping me get through this so I'm not completely alone.
We have spoken about it and I do believe what he has told me. He had a very traumatic childhood (no excuse) and originally downloaded the images when he was a minor himself, so as horrible as it sounds, to see people his age. When he downloaded the files, he had no choice what was in it and it had some very disturbing things in it but being the lazy b****** he is, he didn't delete all those things and just viewed the young adult images and videos. The files also had legitimate pornography in too. Unfortunately, he kept these files on his devices until he was arrested.
He has told me it's a porn addiction and is already looking into all the support networks and rehabilitation he can get, although he truly believes he'd never want to look anything like this again. He said, it never even crossed his mind that this could ever happen and couldn't imagine being able to watch legitimate porn again, never mind worse.
I know he'd never harm a minor so I'm not necessarily worried about re-offending, I'm just worried about the reprecussions of his charges. I think if he was given a community sentence, no more than 10 years on the register and SHPO and hopefully no media coverage, I think we could work through this and potentially still have a family, just later?
But then comes the issues of me wanting to be a teacher which is still a problem. I suppose I need to just wait until the charges have been made before I make any drastic decisions. I just know my head is telling me to do differently to what my heart is telling me.
Thank you for helping me get through this so I'm not completely alone.
Im not into my 30s yet and my partner is ten years older than me. He was found with the same offending as your partner (downloading and distribution of iioc across all categories). He was sentenced to two years suspended sentence, 200 hours community service, 10 years on SOR and SHPO.
I met my partner after his arrest and he told me about the investigation soon after we dated. He was so remorseful and was getting rehabilitation help. I decided to stick around and it has been tough I have to admit. No one in my family know and there was a time we needed to prepare for if he went to prison.
But since sentencing we have managed to live a semi normal life. Main restrictions is he is currently fighting for supervised visitation rights with his two kids, we can't travel to some countries and we have visits from the police and my partner is in regular contact with his probation officer. He has finished his community service recently (took longer due to covid).
Future family wise I personally do not want children. Not sure whether SS back off once off the SOR and SHPO. There have been cases where people have been removed before the end of the term. My partner is hoping to do this maybe 5-6 years into the SOR. Also I believe you do not have to disclose your partner's charges for work, but I could be wrong for schools. In recent years the law changed so teachers were not struck off for being in relationships with those being investigated. You may need to seek more professional advice.
I met my partner after his arrest and he told me about the investigation soon after we dated. He was so remorseful and was getting rehabilitation help. I decided to stick around and it has been tough I have to admit. No one in my family know and there was a time we needed to prepare for if he went to prison.
But since sentencing we have managed to live a semi normal life. Main restrictions is he is currently fighting for supervised visitation rights with his two kids, we can't travel to some countries and we have visits from the police and my partner is in regular contact with his probation officer. He has finished his community service recently (took longer due to covid).
Future family wise I personally do not want children. Not sure whether SS back off once off the SOR and SHPO. There have been cases where people have been removed before the end of the term. My partner is hoping to do this maybe 5-6 years into the SOR. Also I believe you do not have to disclose your partner's charges for work, but I could be wrong for schools. In recent years the law changed so teachers were not struck off for being in relationships with those being investigated. You may need to seek more professional advice.
Lolamoo... I am in my late 20s and my partner is in his early (late) 20s...
I know what you feel... We've been together 7 years also and the feeling that a life you've envisioned has been lost is painful.
One peice of advice I can give anyone here is take things day by day... Some days I loath my husband, I disdain him and what's he's done. Some days I don't. It's a healing process that takes so much time, regardless of whether you stay with him or not.
I too share uncertainty over the future and what will happen... I've chosen to stay for now... I'll admit that I am not strong enough to leave at the moment and that's my own fault... I don't know what that says about me as a person... I was looking forward to the future and its scary not having your best friend feature in it...
He's also like you partner sought help... He had his first Stopso session with a Councillor this week and it went well... When he was arrested he was remorseful and laid all bare... That helps with my decision to keep thing status quo atm..
I think sometimes, not making an excuse but younger offenders (atleast in my case) are almost finding themselves... They've a lot of growing up to do..I know that there are men who have children younger and grow up faster, and there are men who inherently grow up, mature faster but we're not all the same... It'd be easier if we were but we're not...
Ultimately whatever you decide to do make sure you're taking care of your mental health first..
I know what you feel... We've been together 7 years also and the feeling that a life you've envisioned has been lost is painful.
One peice of advice I can give anyone here is take things day by day... Some days I loath my husband, I disdain him and what's he's done. Some days I don't. It's a healing process that takes so much time, regardless of whether you stay with him or not.
I too share uncertainty over the future and what will happen... I've chosen to stay for now... I'll admit that I am not strong enough to leave at the moment and that's my own fault... I don't know what that says about me as a person... I was looking forward to the future and its scary not having your best friend feature in it...
He's also like you partner sought help... He had his first Stopso session with a Councillor this week and it went well... When he was arrested he was remorseful and laid all bare... That helps with my decision to keep thing status quo atm..
I think sometimes, not making an excuse but younger offenders (atleast in my case) are almost finding themselves... They've a lot of growing up to do..I know that there are men who have children younger and grow up faster, and there are men who inherently grow up, mature faster but we're not all the same... It'd be easier if we were but we're not...
Ultimately whatever you decide to do make sure you're taking care of your mental health first..