Have i told too many people?
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Ive told all our close family and friends and a few work colleagues. Some have suggested they have discussed it with someone else or at least talked about porn addiction. I understand its a topic thats hard to not talk about but im worried how many people know my husband had a sexual online chat with a minor and has a porn addition(adult porn) Its almost funny (if it wasnt so serious) as he tried so hard to hide it all now everyone knows. I hate being the source of a good bit of gossip. I almost want the police to get on and charge him and get the humiliation of it possibly being in the local paper over. Everyone is very good about it all which is amazing but i sometimes wonder if they have a good gossip when im not there. Normally i wouldnt care, but im finding this situation hard. Hes released of the burden of his secret and now it feels like its my burden. I hate to think how i sound talking about therapy for porn addiction, supporting my husband etc, its really to complex to explain in full detail to everyone. Im glad i have lots of people to talk to and they are all very good about it but its still a burden to keep this secret and i do worry what everyone will think/what they already think. Its going to take some serious strength of chatacter to get through and not care about other people.
I admire you for telling people and getting support. I done the complete opposite and now it's out in the open (social media/press) i still can't seem to accept their support!
There is no right or wrong answer. I try not to wonder what are others thinking. TRY!! It's not easy.
My children returned to school yesterday and I had to collect them. Hardest thing I've done. People just stared. I've cried all day today and dont feel very positive.
Remain strong....
There is no right or wrong answer. I try not to wonder what are others thinking. TRY!! It's not easy.
My children returned to school yesterday and I had to collect them. Hardest thing I've done. People just stared. I've cried all day today and dont feel very positive.
Remain strong....
Sad sad id admire you for braving the school playground, im glad it was just staring and hopefully people will continue to be sensible about it. Did school offer you any help or support? The school run is one of the things that concerns me most if its in the media. Im fine with people i know knowing, its not easy but i have judged correctly so far on how people i know will react. Did you tell the kids whats happened or just hope none says anything to them?. Us partners are in such an awful position, i guess we must just hold our heads up high and get on with everything.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. I have only told two people. Though my manager also knows, I plan to tell a few more but wanted to process it a bit myself first.
I am so scared that the offence may hit the media.
your being strong and pleased your getting support from people.
its hard not to wonder what people are going to say but it’s their problem.
you take pride in being a good mum to your children. Xxx
I am so scared that the offence may hit the media.
your being strong and pleased your getting support from people.
its hard not to wonder what people are going to say but it’s their problem.
you take pride in being a good mum to your children. Xxx
I haven't told the children anything as i feel they are too young. I spoke to the school before I put them in as i wanted reassurance about their safety. She was actually very nice and told me she will be keeping a close eye on my bairns. Also offered them some play therapy so if something is said to them we have a plan of action.
It was hard to leave them and if I'm honest I could have just picked them up n ran away.....but....on police advice i have decided to stay and tough it out. For now
I'm finding everyone wants to give me their opinion,which they have every right to do but I'm struggling with it as it's still fairly new and I haven't had time to process it yet. They have a million n one questions they want me to answer but I don't know the answers. I feel judged and have been told many times that if I support my husband they can't cope with that. Sometimes/very often i feel I've got to support them! It's exhausting.
Then coming home to a very broken and suicidal man. I haven't a clue what the future now holds. One day at a time...
It was hard to leave them and if I'm honest I could have just picked them up n ran away.....but....on police advice i have decided to stay and tough it out. For now
I'm finding everyone wants to give me their opinion,which they have every right to do but I'm struggling with it as it's still fairly new and I haven't had time to process it yet. They have a million n one questions they want me to answer but I don't know the answers. I feel judged and have been told many times that if I support my husband they can't cope with that. Sometimes/very often i feel I've got to support them! It's exhausting.
Then coming home to a very broken and suicidal man. I haven't a clue what the future now holds. One day at a time...
Your right these men are broken. I completely get what you mean about people having an opinion but only you know your story.
Its so much stress to manage. It must be a relief to find some true friends.
i am quite secretive about everything too. I hope I will get braver through this.
you sound like your are doing the best for your children and it’s good school are offering emotional support.
I really feel for my daughter she must pick up something is wrong but she is so young I can’t really tell her what her dad has done.
this forum is so special its the second best thing from meeting in person. These secrets could destroy us if we didn’t have an outlet to share and mutually support with no judgment.
big loves to you all xxx
Its so much stress to manage. It must be a relief to find some true friends.
i am quite secretive about everything too. I hope I will get braver through this.
you sound like your are doing the best for your children and it’s good school are offering emotional support.
I really feel for my daughter she must pick up something is wrong but she is so young I can’t really tell her what her dad has done.
this forum is so special its the second best thing from meeting in person. These secrets could destroy us if we didn’t have an outlet to share and mutually support with no judgment.
big loves to you all xxx
Hi Maria, I think you’ve done what I wished I’d done from the outset. Trying to contain the information was very stressful. I guess we hoped at any time it would go away, obviously it didn’t. I think our shame and fear of what people may do or think is a self created ‘prison’, telling people who are important to you sets you free in a way. Like someone said only me and my husband know the truth of our experience and they will make up the rest to suit their own narrative.
I hope that one day we and future wives and partners can come out of our often self imposed hiding and just be allowed to get on with our lives. There’s so much hysterical, emotional reactions to the subject which is as broad ranging a topic as you could ever get but is all viewed the same.
There needs to be much more work done on educating professionals and the public. The recent C4 documentary didn’t scratch the surface.
Anyway just wanted to say well done you for telling people and not hiding in the shadows.
I hope that one day we and future wives and partners can come out of our often self imposed hiding and just be allowed to get on with our lives. There’s so much hysterical, emotional reactions to the subject which is as broad ranging a topic as you could ever get but is all viewed the same.
There needs to be much more work done on educating professionals and the public. The recent C4 documentary didn’t scratch the surface.
Anyway just wanted to say well done you for telling people and not hiding in the shadows.
I have told a very good friend, who was lovely, and my mum. I have also told somebody at work (even though I am not back yet) because it will be helpful for me to stay off work. She was lovely too. I suppose as I am at the beginning stage I am sort of downplaying it to those I have told. So far all I know is that he is suspected of having 1 image (cat c) and he swears blind it was taken from a website which clearly said everyone on there is over 18. He hasn’t been charged or put on bail. I know they all deny it, but at the moment am working with what I currently know. So when I tell people that they don’t get hysterical and funnily enough have also said “my husband looks at porn”. Not sure how people who don’t know me and hear “child porn” will react though.
At the moment I’m not telling anyone else as I’m not sure it will be that helpful to me. Taking it one day at a time.
At the moment I’m not telling anyone else as I’m not sure it will be that helpful to me. Taking it one day at a time.
Hi
I have only told my partner and my mother about what my son has been doing, ie. communicating with an under age girl. We had to tell my step daughter and her partner as they have a little boy. Social services phoned them and said they didn't see him as being at risk. I had to inform my manager at work as well and they have been very supportive.
my son has admitted what he did and is currently on bail and has been seeking support to help him through this. We are less than two weeks since "the knock" and must return to the police station first week of February.
today my step daughter text me and said we are putting them under huge pressure expecting them not to tell anyone. I am so concerned if this gets out my job and home will be at risk as well as all other possible consequences of others knowing.
i was so hurt she put it in a text as we have a really good relationship especially as she lived with me from the age of 14. I understand she needs to talk but I don't think she has thought through the fallout that may occur. I know for sure that her partner's side of the family can not keep a confidence as they use social media to air their own dirty laundry let alone anyone else's.
i have been managing to keep a reasonably level head until now and have only had a few tears and have remained at work this has really set everything off again. I have asked if we can talk face to face before they make their final decision but she hasn't answered me. I am so frightened by what could happen; I know I can not predict the future but it doesn't stop me worrying at the moment.
any advice would be most welcome.
Worried Mother
xxx
I have only told my partner and my mother about what my son has been doing, ie. communicating with an under age girl. We had to tell my step daughter and her partner as they have a little boy. Social services phoned them and said they didn't see him as being at risk. I had to inform my manager at work as well and they have been very supportive.
my son has admitted what he did and is currently on bail and has been seeking support to help him through this. We are less than two weeks since "the knock" and must return to the police station first week of February.
today my step daughter text me and said we are putting them under huge pressure expecting them not to tell anyone. I am so concerned if this gets out my job and home will be at risk as well as all other possible consequences of others knowing.
i was so hurt she put it in a text as we have a really good relationship especially as she lived with me from the age of 14. I understand she needs to talk but I don't think she has thought through the fallout that may occur. I know for sure that her partner's side of the family can not keep a confidence as they use social media to air their own dirty laundry let alone anyone else's.
i have been managing to keep a reasonably level head until now and have only had a few tears and have remained at work this has really set everything off again. I have asked if we can talk face to face before they make their final decision but she hasn't answered me. I am so frightened by what could happen; I know I can not predict the future but it doesn't stop me worrying at the moment.
any advice would be most welcome.
Worried Mother
xxx
Hi worried mother,
just to say your not alone. Your son is so lucky to have your support. For him it will mean so much that your standing by him.
you can’t control what others say. Though I would remind her that it’s his private information and until the court case it should remain this way. After all he has not been charged yet.
Its a very stigmatised offence and if he is to get better he needs people to respect this while he access therapy. Family and friends can also call the helpline to advise. If they are struggling deal with it. Though if they share the information it’s them that’s done it. You know that you haven’t and you can’t control other people.
Take time for yourself. With self care bubble baths and cake. A cry can be good too. I am all a bundle of emotions I am angry that someone I cared for could have done something so terrible as well as feeling that he is vulnerable and worried about his well-being. In my case depression was one of the reasons he had a secretive life. And while he should have shared he didn’t.
dont be too hard on yourself reaching out to the forum is good as there are lots of wonderful women on here.
you sound very kind to be able to see that the offence doesn’t define your son and although it’s hard he will certainly appreciate you being there for him.
xx
just to say your not alone. Your son is so lucky to have your support. For him it will mean so much that your standing by him.
you can’t control what others say. Though I would remind her that it’s his private information and until the court case it should remain this way. After all he has not been charged yet.
Its a very stigmatised offence and if he is to get better he needs people to respect this while he access therapy. Family and friends can also call the helpline to advise. If they are struggling deal with it. Though if they share the information it’s them that’s done it. You know that you haven’t and you can’t control other people.
Take time for yourself. With self care bubble baths and cake. A cry can be good too. I am all a bundle of emotions I am angry that someone I cared for could have done something so terrible as well as feeling that he is vulnerable and worried about his well-being. In my case depression was one of the reasons he had a secretive life. And while he should have shared he didn’t.
dont be too hard on yourself reaching out to the forum is good as there are lots of wonderful women on here.
you sound very kind to be able to see that the offence doesn’t define your son and although it’s hard he will certainly appreciate you being there for him.
xx
Hi Bethlou23
Thanks so much for the kind words of support. I have literally just recovered from a really good cry and went out for a walk and bought cake and bubbles!
Him at out I heard from my step daughter and she has said we can meet next week. I am hoping her text yesterday was a knee jerk reaction from her partner more than her. At least I can manage another week at work with out too much worry.
I visit the forum everyday at the moment as despite having spoken to a couple of family and my close friend now one can truly understand like the forum family.
I know I will get through this no matter what the outcomes. I know there are people going through far worse and I need to be strong for my son as he has no one else that can really be there for him at the moment.
Love and hugs to you and everyone
Worried Mother XXX
Thanks so much for the kind words of support. I have literally just recovered from a really good cry and went out for a walk and bought cake and bubbles!
Him at out I heard from my step daughter and she has said we can meet next week. I am hoping her text yesterday was a knee jerk reaction from her partner more than her. At least I can manage another week at work with out too much worry.
I visit the forum everyday at the moment as despite having spoken to a couple of family and my close friend now one can truly understand like the forum family.
I know I will get through this no matter what the outcomes. I know there are people going through far worse and I need to be strong for my son as he has no one else that can really be there for him at the moment.
Love and hugs to you and everyone
Worried Mother XXX