Support needed please
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Hi, I'm new to the forum. I've read the most recent posts and I'm looking for some support please. The knock for me was 30th July 2020. My partner had been arrested at work for speaking to a minor online in a sexual way. We had been together for five years. I have two teenage children from a previous relationship and I'm 7 months pregnant. He had been talking to a police decoy for seven weeks, starting the day after I told him that I thought I was pregnant. Pregnancy confirmed three days after he started messaging this person. Apparently the person requested to meet and he declined. He was charged on 31st July and remanded in custody. Plea hearing was four weeks after that, he pleaded guilty on advice from his barrister despite maintaining that he didn't message for sexual gratification. He is stating that it was because of his mental health and it didn't seem real. He has had a psychiatric review this week and this will be sent to the judge. I've had minimal contact with him because it's far too painful and I don't trust him at all. SS were involved and have closed the case after assessing me as a protective factor. I've agreed to supervised access at my house with his parents present. At present he doesn't have a sentencing date. I have so many questions for him and I'd like to have all of the messages, reports etc because I am so paranoid that he will say anything to continue our relationship. Like a lot of people on here I have concerns over media attention and any repercussions for my children, their dad started the situation in a very understanding way and has since turned and threatened to expose him. I feel so alone right now and due to lockdown I'm not able to see anyone. I've had cbt and I'm currently having hypnotherapy sessions weekly. Apologies for the very long, probably jumbled post, I just need to get it all out. Thank you in advance for any advice or support xx
Hello,
So sorry to hear your on this forum and you're 7 months pregnant. My husband was arrested for the same offence (talking to a decoy!) after initial remand he has got bail. I feel so sorry you are unable to ask the questions your have for him.
I hope the cbt and hypnotherapy is helping. Lots of people on here have recommended ringing the charity for advice as well. Is there any family members you are able to talk to? I have spoken to my parents but unable to talk to friends yet.
With regards to media it's down to pot luck who they report I think. It's one of my worry's too. I'm coming off social media this week as have the first hearing soon.
Sorry I can't give loads of advice but I wanted to let you know you're not alone in this. There are many great women on here who are a bit further down the line then we are. I think once the court but it's over it does get a little easier. The waiting game is a drag.
Look after you and hope all goes well in the last stages of pregnancy xxx
So sorry to hear your on this forum and you're 7 months pregnant. My husband was arrested for the same offence (talking to a decoy!) after initial remand he has got bail. I feel so sorry you are unable to ask the questions your have for him.
I hope the cbt and hypnotherapy is helping. Lots of people on here have recommended ringing the charity for advice as well. Is there any family members you are able to talk to? I have spoken to my parents but unable to talk to friends yet.
With regards to media it's down to pot luck who they report I think. It's one of my worry's too. I'm coming off social media this week as have the first hearing soon.
Sorry I can't give loads of advice but I wanted to let you know you're not alone in this. There are many great women on here who are a bit further down the line then we are. I think once the court but it's over it does get a little easier. The waiting game is a drag.
Look after you and hope all goes well in the last stages of pregnancy xxx
Hi,
Thank you for replying. I think once he's out I'll be able to ask him the remaining questions I have. His barrister said that as he'd pleaded guilty bail wasn't an option. I've spoken to family and friends and have support but nobody can truly understand unless they've been through it themselves. Most of the people I've spoken to seem to have a very black and white attitude towards it, like I can just forget him and move on. This makes it hard to explain how I'm feeling.
Thank you for replying. I think once he's out I'll be able to ask him the remaining questions I have. His barrister said that as he'd pleaded guilty bail wasn't an option. I've spoken to family and friends and have support but nobody can truly understand unless they've been through it themselves. Most of the people I've spoken to seem to have a very black and white attitude towards it, like I can just forget him and move on. This makes it hard to explain how I'm feeling.
Completely agree- no one can tell us what to do when they've not been in our position. There isn't a black and white answer.
I've realised not to rush in making any decisions and hoping time will help decide what's right for me.
xxx
I've realised not to rush in making any decisions and hoping time will help decide what's right for me.
xxx
Thank you. I hope everything goes as well as it can for you at the hearing and for the future xxx
Thank you so much for your reply. I'm pleased to here that you had a quick labour and a healthy baby. It's really odd, sometimes I feel normal pregnancy things like happiness when baby moves and then I feel robbed because nobody has felt her move except me. My older kids aren't really at the age where they would be comfortable putting their hands on my belly. I feel like everything we had planned for this baby no longer exists, I struggled a lot in the first couple of weeks with even keeping the baby. I'm glad I did but I do worry if I'll be able to get over the guilt I feel for even considering it xxx
I'm so sorry that you have had to go through all of this. My experience with SS was as good as it could be. The police have been my main source of stress, I've felt like they give you just enough information to destroy your life and then say they can't disclose any more. I struggle to be in my bedroom after they searched it. They took his laptop and an old phone, they also took my laptop and still haven't heard anything about when they will return that to me. The last I heard someone will contact me when they're finished with it and I'll have to go to the police station to pick it up. I'm very grateful to have found this forum and I really appreciate your honesty, so close to my own feelings xxx
I'll look for the book, thank you. I've looked into Sarah's law and they will only give information after sentencing apparently and the investigating officer seemed more concerned about if I was considering contact between him and my older children, which I'm not. He has no reason to see them again but the fact I'm pregnant seems to have been completely overlooked xxx
Hi
sorry to hear your situation, my world crumbled in February when I arrived home to find the police in the house. My partner of nearly 8 years had also been talking online for approximately 2 weeks to a police decoy and arranged to meet. His sentencing all happened so quickly compared to others, he was sentenced in April to 2 years in prison and 2 on license. The sentences to this crime seems to be all over the place he seemed to get the maximum. We didn't have any children so I can't try to imagine how bad this is with them mixed up in all this. My biggest fear was people finding out which they did when it was printed online and in the local paper during lockdown. I moved in with my parents for a while but have since moved back home. I came off social media the day after his arrest and have not been back on, someone on hear said ignore the keyboard warriors making idle threats luckily nothing has ever happened. After the initial few months of wanting the ground to swallow me up and hiding from people Ive started to think who knows, knows and it's old news.
It's true it's like you are grieving even all these months later there's not a day goes by when I don't long for what we had, and I also have wished he'd had ended it so it was closure.
I still of course still love and miss him you can't automatically turn your feelings off like everyone expects you to. I still talk to him I think if he didn't have me and his dad then he might do something stupid, but I'm not sure if I could ever trust him again, I too want to read his report just for my piece of mind, he says I'll be surprised of what was said whatever that means!!
There's always people on here who will understand how your feeling also the helpline. Take care of yourself x
sorry to hear your situation, my world crumbled in February when I arrived home to find the police in the house. My partner of nearly 8 years had also been talking online for approximately 2 weeks to a police decoy and arranged to meet. His sentencing all happened so quickly compared to others, he was sentenced in April to 2 years in prison and 2 on license. The sentences to this crime seems to be all over the place he seemed to get the maximum. We didn't have any children so I can't try to imagine how bad this is with them mixed up in all this. My biggest fear was people finding out which they did when it was printed online and in the local paper during lockdown. I moved in with my parents for a while but have since moved back home. I came off social media the day after his arrest and have not been back on, someone on hear said ignore the keyboard warriors making idle threats luckily nothing has ever happened. After the initial few months of wanting the ground to swallow me up and hiding from people Ive started to think who knows, knows and it's old news.
It's true it's like you are grieving even all these months later there's not a day goes by when I don't long for what we had, and I also have wished he'd had ended it so it was closure.
I still of course still love and miss him you can't automatically turn your feelings off like everyone expects you to. I still talk to him I think if he didn't have me and his dad then he might do something stupid, but I'm not sure if I could ever trust him again, I too want to read his report just for my piece of mind, he says I'll be surprised of what was said whatever that means!!
There's always people on here who will understand how your feeling also the helpline. Take care of yourself x
Hi,
Thank you for your reply. I think not having closure is something I dread. In some ways I wish he'd have beaten me up because at least I would have had an opportunity to fight back. I know I'm not in a position to give advice but if the only reason you're speaking to him is to stop him from doing something stupid then it may be time to break that communication and give yourself a chance of a happy future. None of us on here could have prevented what our partners and family members have done because they are the ones responsible for their actions. In the same way that if any of them make a decision to harm themselves it won't be because of anything we did or didn't do. I hope that you find happiness and continue to be as strong as you have been xxx
Thank you for your reply. I think not having closure is something I dread. In some ways I wish he'd have beaten me up because at least I would have had an opportunity to fight back. I know I'm not in a position to give advice but if the only reason you're speaking to him is to stop him from doing something stupid then it may be time to break that communication and give yourself a chance of a happy future. None of us on here could have prevented what our partners and family members have done because they are the ones responsible for their actions. In the same way that if any of them make a decision to harm themselves it won't be because of anything we did or didn't do. I hope that you find happiness and continue to be as strong as you have been xxx
Hi distressed and pregnant,
I think once all the court dates and you find out what the sentencing outcome is you get some kind of closure and relief then. I went on the online court website everyday looking to see if he was due in court that day, it kept getting delayed, he was on remand so didn't know anything himself and the solicitor was useless only bothered about getting her money. Then after waiting to see if would come out in the press. Once that nightmare is over and the dust settles it seems a big relief.
I know what you are saying about the still talking to him thing, maybe I should have cut contact the day it happened. I miss him terribly though, I've not got that many close friends and family, my parents who I'm close to who picked up the pieces and maybe one close friend who hasn't been judgmental. This lockdown makes it even more isolating for us doesn't it. We can't go out and socialise so god knows where I'd meet anyone else even if I wanted to. Sometimes after a long crap day at work the one person I wanna talk to is him and I sometimes enjoy our talks it's like old times. I'm hoping time will be a healer and It'll help me decide what to do what's best for me.
thanks for your reply x
I think once all the court dates and you find out what the sentencing outcome is you get some kind of closure and relief then. I went on the online court website everyday looking to see if he was due in court that day, it kept getting delayed, he was on remand so didn't know anything himself and the solicitor was useless only bothered about getting her money. Then after waiting to see if would come out in the press. Once that nightmare is over and the dust settles it seems a big relief.
I know what you are saying about the still talking to him thing, maybe I should have cut contact the day it happened. I miss him terribly though, I've not got that many close friends and family, my parents who I'm close to who picked up the pieces and maybe one close friend who hasn't been judgmental. This lockdown makes it even more isolating for us doesn't it. We can't go out and socialise so god knows where I'd meet anyone else even if I wanted to. Sometimes after a long crap day at work the one person I wanna talk to is him and I sometimes enjoy our talks it's like old times. I'm hoping time will be a healer and It'll help me decide what to do what's best for me.
thanks for your reply x