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So my son has now met someone, very very early days but im wanting to advise him when is the time If any? to tell her he's on the SOR, for IIOC.
son and new female friend both in early 20s. No children involved
I'm sure if it was my daughter starting to mabe date someone, I'd want her to know, but I'm really not sure what to advise him.
He's accepted his crime, and punishment, had lots of counselling etc since the knock, he says that part of his life is completely over. No chance of relapse at all. So he wants to ... "move on and begin living like a normal person". His words..
Any advice, or even gut reactions, I've kind of got tough over the last 3 years so any thoughts welcome.
Am I just worrying and overthinking as usual because thats just what I do?? Or should I be flying the distress flag..
Love to all
Lizzy 2.0
son and new female friend both in early 20s. No children involved
I'm sure if it was my daughter starting to mabe date someone, I'd want her to know, but I'm really not sure what to advise him.
He's accepted his crime, and punishment, had lots of counselling etc since the knock, he says that part of his life is completely over. No chance of relapse at all. So he wants to ... "move on and begin living like a normal person". His words..
Any advice, or even gut reactions, I've kind of got tough over the last 3 years so any thoughts welcome.
Am I just worrying and overthinking as usual because thats just what I do?? Or should I be flying the distress flag..
Love to all
Lizzy 2.0
Thank you lost123
Can I ask, if u had had all the info at the start of your relationship. I know u cant turn back the clock, and it is so hard to imagine and youve been through hell.. but had he said before things got serious, hey I've been totally stupid, this happened, I'm over it and I want to have a relationship with you...
Honestly... Would u have run away immediately, or thought well he seems a nice guy, hes done wrong people can change.. mabe I'll give him a chance!!
I'm so sorry for you that you were kept in the dark so to speak, and I'm just hoping that when and if he has a serious relationship it's all disclosed and possibly even supported, and something he can discuss if god forbid he ever even contemplates viewing stuff again...
My head is in total overdrive at the moment.
But honestly I'm also worried about if he does disclose and she calls him all the names under the sun and basically reacts like the people who dont actually know him reacted and that brings back all the total depression etc...
Minefield in my mind at the moment, imagining all good bad and horrific possibilities.
As usual...
Hugs to u lost123 xx thank you for the reply
Can I ask, if u had had all the info at the start of your relationship. I know u cant turn back the clock, and it is so hard to imagine and youve been through hell.. but had he said before things got serious, hey I've been totally stupid, this happened, I'm over it and I want to have a relationship with you...
Honestly... Would u have run away immediately, or thought well he seems a nice guy, hes done wrong people can change.. mabe I'll give him a chance!!
I'm so sorry for you that you were kept in the dark so to speak, and I'm just hoping that when and if he has a serious relationship it's all disclosed and possibly even supported, and something he can discuss if god forbid he ever even contemplates viewing stuff again...
My head is in total overdrive at the moment.
But honestly I'm also worried about if he does disclose and she calls him all the names under the sun and basically reacts like the people who dont actually know him reacted and that brings back all the total depression etc...
Minefield in my mind at the moment, imagining all good bad and horrific possibilities.
As usual...
Hugs to u lost123 xx thank you for the reply
Hi lost 123, thank you again so much for your honest reply.
I guess we've all lived through "what if" times and its hard to comprehend.. if I had a daughter...!!!
But I personally think full or at least some, disclosure early is better than not. But I dread the aftermath.
Breathe in... breathe out.. calm... one moment at a time... is all I can do. Xx
I guess we've all lived through "what if" times and its hard to comprehend.. if I had a daughter...!!!
But I personally think full or at least some, disclosure early is better than not. But I dread the aftermath.
Breathe in... breathe out.. calm... one moment at a time... is all I can do. Xx
I met my partner after the knock and I'm in my 20s. I can only give my perspective but I hope my story shows that there are people like me who are willing to date those on the register and have a criminal past etc.
Met my partner when I was 25 on tinder (romantic I know). He was 35. I knew by looking at older men I was likely to come across fathers, divorcees etc and I was ok with that. I got on well with my partner, he was the only guy I was chatting to that wasn't sexual and weird with me.
He explained on our first date that he was separated from his ex a few months before and had two young kids but his ex wife would not let him see them. I didn't ask why they separated because I wanted to gain trust etc. However, when I discussed with my mum that he had not seen his kids since he split my mum suggested something could be sinister (we had assumed domestic abuse perhaps). I asked him more about it within two weeks of dating and was stunned to find out he was under investigation for iioc....
It took me by surprise. You really can't tell who can and cannot be an offender. He explained he was so remorseful, and going through rehabilitation and that even tho he hit rock bottom he was finally getting the help he needed. I think I was in shock but I didn't want to run away. I wanted to know more, but only bit by bit, to make a more informed decision on whether I should move on.
I am quite liberal, and my aunt dated a guy who had iioc so I had some familiarity and knew it isn't always black and white. I did research on stop it now, rang LF etc. And my partner was very open and honest with me throughout.
I have been through the process with him. The charges, going to court, preparing for prison, dealing with police and now going through family court to help him get visitation rights. He hasn't seen or heard from his kids for over three years.
I have made the choice to stick by him but it is so tough. My family do not know....it is horrible hiding this from them and lying is getting hard. It is tricky to explain why he can't see his kids.
To be honest I believe I can stick with him as long as I don't change my mind that I don't want kids. I would not be able to cope with ss involvement. My partner is only one year into 10 year SOR register. I have made peace that I won't be able to travel with him in places like America, Australia etc. And that the police have to see our messages and have less privacy.
This forum has also helped alot.
I do wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't with an offender. Tbh I'm surprised I have managed really, I have my own mental health issues and I have no one to help me. I dread the day if my family and friends find out. I would expect to lose alot of people. How can I justify being with someone who has caused so such harm from their offending? I don't think I can give a good enough answer other than I believe he is very sorry and won't do it again.
We are engaged and hope to marry in a few years. But he knows that if he offends or breaches conditions I will be gone.
There is no perfect timing but disclosure sooner rather than later is best. Also I'm not sure if he may need to disclose his relationship with police? Perhaps not if she doesn't have her own children.
Met my partner when I was 25 on tinder (romantic I know). He was 35. I knew by looking at older men I was likely to come across fathers, divorcees etc and I was ok with that. I got on well with my partner, he was the only guy I was chatting to that wasn't sexual and weird with me.
He explained on our first date that he was separated from his ex a few months before and had two young kids but his ex wife would not let him see them. I didn't ask why they separated because I wanted to gain trust etc. However, when I discussed with my mum that he had not seen his kids since he split my mum suggested something could be sinister (we had assumed domestic abuse perhaps). I asked him more about it within two weeks of dating and was stunned to find out he was under investigation for iioc....
It took me by surprise. You really can't tell who can and cannot be an offender. He explained he was so remorseful, and going through rehabilitation and that even tho he hit rock bottom he was finally getting the help he needed. I think I was in shock but I didn't want to run away. I wanted to know more, but only bit by bit, to make a more informed decision on whether I should move on.
I am quite liberal, and my aunt dated a guy who had iioc so I had some familiarity and knew it isn't always black and white. I did research on stop it now, rang LF etc. And my partner was very open and honest with me throughout.
I have been through the process with him. The charges, going to court, preparing for prison, dealing with police and now going through family court to help him get visitation rights. He hasn't seen or heard from his kids for over three years.
I have made the choice to stick by him but it is so tough. My family do not know....it is horrible hiding this from them and lying is getting hard. It is tricky to explain why he can't see his kids.
To be honest I believe I can stick with him as long as I don't change my mind that I don't want kids. I would not be able to cope with ss involvement. My partner is only one year into 10 year SOR register. I have made peace that I won't be able to travel with him in places like America, Australia etc. And that the police have to see our messages and have less privacy.
This forum has also helped alot.
I do wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't with an offender. Tbh I'm surprised I have managed really, I have my own mental health issues and I have no one to help me. I dread the day if my family and friends find out. I would expect to lose alot of people. How can I justify being with someone who has caused so such harm from their offending? I don't think I can give a good enough answer other than I believe he is very sorry and won't do it again.
We are engaged and hope to marry in a few years. But he knows that if he offends or breaches conditions I will be gone.
There is no perfect timing but disclosure sooner rather than later is best. Also I'm not sure if he may need to disclose his relationship with police? Perhaps not if she doesn't have her own children.
Hi majestictopaz. Thank you x
As far as we know he only has to disclose to police if he spends more than so many days/nights there which he's nowhere near yet, and still speaks to PO regularly but less cos of covid, but then he would have to inform as a 2nd address, but like I said it's very very early days.. but thank you for your reply, and I'm so glad there are people like you out there, willing to see the best in people. Xx
I'm his mum, I'm not blind or deluded, but hes not a monster, he just messed up BIG style... and paid a higher price than I ever imagined possible.
He just needs to find the light at the end of the tunnel..
And i need to help shove him along to find it..
Xx
As far as we know he only has to disclose to police if he spends more than so many days/nights there which he's nowhere near yet, and still speaks to PO regularly but less cos of covid, but then he would have to inform as a 2nd address, but like I said it's very very early days.. but thank you for your reply, and I'm so glad there are people like you out there, willing to see the best in people. Xx
I'm his mum, I'm not blind or deluded, but hes not a monster, he just messed up BIG style... and paid a higher price than I ever imagined possible.
He just needs to find the light at the end of the tunnel..
And i need to help shove him along to find it..
Xx
Hey hunny
Lost123 is definitely the best person to give advice on this.. Having been in the situation of finding out many years later.
I have read a fair few posts on here from women who met their partners when they were already convicted or had the knock and they stood by them.. Us women are pretty bloody amazing!! I don't think a lot of men would try to understand an offence like this!
I would say after a few weeks maybe a month myself. Honesty is always the best policy in my book. It needs to be out in the open early on before either if them fall in love and the non disclosure becomes more of an issue than the offence itself. Xx
Lost123 is definitely the best person to give advice on this.. Having been in the situation of finding out many years later.
I have read a fair few posts on here from women who met their partners when they were already convicted or had the knock and they stood by them.. Us women are pretty bloody amazing!! I don't think a lot of men would try to understand an offence like this!
I would say after a few weeks maybe a month myself. Honesty is always the best policy in my book. It needs to be out in the open early on before either if them fall in love and the non disclosure becomes more of an issue than the offence itself. Xx
Thank you rainbow girl.
That makes a lot of sense, the subject of bringing up the offence should definitely come before the possible necessity of forced disclosure.
I'll mention that to him next time I pluck up the nerve.
Having these discussions isn't easy with a 20 year old. Lol.. not !!! ... especially when I'm his mum lol evenmore.
As is my life..
Xxx to all.
That makes a lot of sense, the subject of bringing up the offence should definitely come before the possible necessity of forced disclosure.
I'll mention that to him next time I pluck up the nerve.
Having these discussions isn't easy with a 20 year old. Lol.. not !!! ... especially when I'm his mum lol evenmore.
As is my life..
Xxx to all.
And massive thank you lost 123.
I dont feel like an amazing mum, just a nagging worrier. and really in your shadow, my life is a walk on a pebble beach but I do appreciate the sentiment. Xx
Big massive long "5 mississippi's" hug to you. God knows you need it more than I do. I feel quite petty in comparison. And wish I could make your rocky path smooth as soft warm sand. X
Just keep breathing.. all
XXX
I dont feel like an amazing mum, just a nagging worrier. and really in your shadow, my life is a walk on a pebble beach but I do appreciate the sentiment. Xx
Big massive long "5 mississippi's" hug to you. God knows you need it more than I do. I feel quite petty in comparison. And wish I could make your rocky path smooth as soft warm sand. X
Just keep breathing.. all
XXX