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Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Fri November 13, 2020 11:06amReport post

Please no nasty comments and no judgemental ones..all I want is to be able to get advice and to feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel..I feel so alone and don't know where to turn.

1yr ago this week my husband was arrested..police came to our home and arrested him on suspicion of being in possession of indecent images of children..to say we were both shocked was an understatement..They took his phone because that was where 'said image ' had been found.Every other device in our home was checked,even the IP address.obviously social services were then involved..it's taken the police 12 months to dowload the content of the phone..upon asking my husband about this, he told me that one night he download kik messenger to chat to other people that had the same musical interests as him..never for a second did he imagine there were people on it who were peadophiles..he was sent what the police described as a 'psuedo image'.he immediately deleted it but now thinks he left the kik application open because now the police have retrieved a substantial amount of images from his phone.There's was only 2 places that these images could have been downloaded from, our home and his place of work..our IP address was checked, and my husband says because of where he works, it's a public IP address so if he'd downloaded them there, then the company he works for would have been all over it straight away and informed the police immediately..He's stupid, but not stupid enough to sit in a canteen on his break with other work mates and start downloading images of children..social services say it's an awful lot of images to have been sent..surely the police can trace where they've been downloaded from?our lives have been turned upside down.he's not allowed to live with myself and our daughter for obvious reasons, he's not allowed unsupervised contact with our daughter, we have to meet outside in the community with me supervising as he's not allowed to come to our home until social services have completed outstanding work with me..social services want to see from me that I'm able to identify the signs of child abuse if that was ever to be the case with our daughter.obviously my husband will be classed as a risk because of the content of the pictures, but because I've said he would never ever hurt our daughter,social services are saying that I don't believe he's a risk..so before they allow him back to visiting at our home,I'm the one under the spotlight..will it ever end?what does the future hold for us? Will he go to prison for making a stupid mistake in downloading kik?

our daughter idolises her dad and has never presented signs of child abuse and she knows what that means..for 11yrs old,she has her head firmly screwed on ..school have no safeguarding concerns whatsoever regarding her and neither do the local health authority either..social services have assessed my husband and have said that the answers he's given to the questions he was asked were what they would Expect him to say which was good..

it seems I'm the problem..I told social worker that I knew what I needed to do to protect my daughter regardless of who it was from and that I would without a doubt supervise in the correct manner..but it seems that's still not good enough..I cannot physically say or do anymore .my husband is a mess, he's even on anti depressants because he wanted to end his life last Xmas..we just want all this to end..to say that it's put a massive strain on us is also an understatement.

that girl

Member since
November 2020

2 posts

Posted Sat November 14, 2020 11:03pmReport post

Annie, I feel for you so much and know what you're going through, even though my situation is slightly different.

Almost 2 months ago we got the knock and the device search. Short story: husband had talked online on Grindr with an undercover officer pretending to be underage. He doesn't remember this conversation but swears he would never have arranged to meet up with anyone under age, deleted the conversation and that's that. He is adamant that they won't find anything on any of his devices, and I belief him. We had a number of conversations with SW and a visit to the house. She spoke to me, hubby, his relative he is staying with and my parents. The SW recommended he should be allowed home and the mangers blocked it. They have ZERO reason for this as there is no concern with the children yet that was the decision. I'm in a similar position as I made it clear the children were in no danger and I didn't believe he posed a risk, which doesn't seem to help at all! It feels like they want you to agree that there might be a concern, like lying would actually benefit the outcome!

So after the police saying he couldn't return home for maybe 10 days, it's been 2 months. Police extended his bail until Jan without reason and we don't think they've done any device searches yet. Now we have a solicitor on the case and are hoping that it gets dropped, yet I feel like I'm just jumping through hoops. All I want is for us to be able to live in the same house so I don't have to lie to the children that daddy is working away. I would follow any guidelines they want, yet it feels like nothing is good enough.

We have a new SW and we are meeting her in a week to discuss this CIN plan, which I don't believe is warranted at all. I firmly believe that all they do is tick boxes. We are hoping that the new SW can report back and we can get bail conditions changed as right now the police and the SW ask each other for updates and there are none. It is like nobody can make a decision and you are all just guilty without any proof!



sorry, rant over. Just wanted to say I know how you are feeling and I hope things get sorted out for you ASAP.

Rusty123

Member since
October 2020

172 posts

Posted Sun November 15, 2020 11:06amReport post

Hi Annie

im just starting out on the messy path of all this it’s 3 weeks since the knock and I’ve had my 1 meeting with SW and I’ve had my children in need meeting. The report I read mentioned what my partner has done but it mainly pulled me and my home and how I look after my kids apart it didn’t make me look good. Even questioning my 16 year old and what she said went against me. (She says she didn’t say what the report said and I believe her) even my in-laws claimed I didn’t look after our youngest child and left him in the care of others (all lies my daughter and his dad say it’s all lies)

many other things went against me too like the Fact on release on bail the police said he could see the kids supervised which he did once. That when questioned by SW I said I was scared I would lose the house this all proved I didn’t know how or want to protect my children. That being on a flexi shifts system at work didn’t provide structure for my youngest. Criticised that my daughter didn’t have a laptop for college (she did until the knock and it was taken)

I don’t know what the future holds for us I know I cannot trust anyone anymore but I went into my meeting fighting and I’m going to prove what they say wrong and have set plans in place with work (luckily they are understanding and will help me) to work set hours now.

It’s going to be a long bumpy road but I know this group are here for support and advice and I’m great full for that

Rusty x

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Sun November 15, 2020 10:18pmReport post

Hi all who've replied..

it's all so stressful..i have never in the two brief meetings that I've had with sw said that I didn't believe he was a risk..all I said was that he would never hurt our daughter which he wouldn't..the only thing he's guilty of is downloading kik.He just wanted to chat to others with the same interest in music as he did..he stands by that he never asked for those images and that as soon as one came he deleted it right away..Those kind of things disgust him..

I see the pain in his eyes everyday that he's away from us and I want to take his pain away and for this to be over.I'm fully aware of what to look for in an abused child and although it a brief course, I also have done a safeguarding course..our daughter has never presented any of the signs of an abused child.she loves her dad and misses him desperately and wants him home..it feels as though no matter what I say to sw it will never be good enough..I feel sad that she may think I can't protect our daughter from the one person that I shouldn't need to and I've told her that I know what I need to do to protect her , regardless of who it's from..he is a good person and he's going to regret this for the rest of his life..he's not actually been charged with anything yet just on CPS bail until March next year..at the moment it's only alleged that he's downloaded them..he's told them over and over and over he didn't download them..of course I'm angry with him for putting us through this,how could I not be?im angry that he's put our family through the worst 12 months we've ever had.it feels like we're going round and round in circles and that social services could hurry things along but are choosing not 2.I get that they have other cases, but ours is behind because of exactly that, the sw busy on other cases and because she's behind, there's outstanding work to be completed with me and she's therefore had to request more time to complete..I really wish she'd get a move on and hopefully he'll be able to spend Xmas with us..

how else can I get her to see that I'm capable of protecting our daughter and I know what to look out for?

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Mon November 16, 2020 1:08pmReport post

Thank you for all your replies..The frustration that I have is being able to say what I need to say in a way that is acceptable to SS..I feel no matter what way I say it , it's never the right way or the right words..I know what I need and want to say but will it ever be good enough?

im not stupid, I'm not blindsided by who he is, of course he's deemed a risk, I'm so angry with him..in my heart of hearts I know he wouldn't hurt her and has never hurt her but you're all right, because of the nature of the alleged offence, I can't say that to SS can I ?

I'm angry with him for putting me in this position where I have to be interrogated and judged and to have to prove that I am a good mum and can protect her regardless of who it's from..

Im angry for putting our daughter under the spotlight aswell..she doesn't deserve this anymore than I do.

Its a vicious circle that I feel will never end

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Tue November 17, 2020 12:59pmReport post

Hi

that girl

doesn't matter how many times we say "they would never hurt" the children, SS aren't interested in hearing that..Do they actually want us to say "yes they would hurt them"

can you all imagine what the response would be then? If I for a second thought and felt in my heart of hearts that my husband had actually asked for these images and had actually downloaded them, he'd have been gone a long long time before he was arrested and I wouldn't be fighting with everything that I have to get him home.

The police seem to dragging their backsides aswell..Surely they can find out where and when they were downloaded?
Because Ive said it before and I'll keep saying it til I draw my last breath, they weren't downloaded in our home and there's no way he would have been stupid enough to download them at work as there and home are the only places he ever went.

I feel that he's all but given up,that he doesn't have any fight left in him..we are his reason to fight and you also must fight for what u believe in..

our daughter is 11yrs old and for that age, she's got her head firmly screwed on and she's fully aware of what's right and wrong..But I was told by her old headteacher that even if she turned round and said her dad hadn't hurt her and could never hurt, they wouldn't even take her word for it.

how can that be?

Doesnt make sense, none of this does..I'm scared to think about what the next few months might hold let alone the future or what the outcome might be of this nightmare.

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Tue November 17, 2020 3:49pmReport post

My husband downloaded kik messenger..someone on there sent it to him..he immediately deleted it but left the application open which was an open invitation for thousands of images to be sent to his phone..

solicitor hasn't given much info to be honest..says if it goes to court, he won't go to prison, at most she reckons he could get a suspended sentence..he's on what is known as CPS bail until March 2021 when he then has to return to police station and see what's gonna happen next.

it's a living nightmare it really is..it's already been going on for a year now. Your life is on hold with no thought of how or when it will end..police are not being very helpful either..just said he's to return in March and he'll be told whatever is going to happen next.

he's not actually been charged with anything at this stage..he's in a really bad place right now,is on anti-depression tablets , can't focus from one day to the next..his anxiety levels are through the roof..he feels no one believes that the only thing he's guilty of is downloading kik..surely police can trace where it was sent from via kik?how was it even allowed to happen ?
these sites need shutting down for good.

im terrified he'll one off worse than he deserves, that the media will get hold of it and we'll be forced to move away..

some days I just want to curl up in a corner and stay there

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Tue November 17, 2020 10:12pmReport post

Hi lost 123

what does it mean for the solicitor to give me disclosure? I've tried to get him to speak to someone I really have ,this may sound daft, stupid or whatever you want to call it, but he really doesn't trust anyone enough to confide in them and talk about what's happening because it's embedded in his head that they'll judge him no matter what as some professionals already have..he feels that no matter what, the odds are stacked against him..he's a good man and a good dad..I don't know where I'd be without him, where we'd be without him..

he's currently living 5/6 miles away at my dad's, this is his bail address..where we live, I'm on my own,except for one good friend I have who knows my husband because she went to school with him.

He's having good days and bad days,the doctor upped his medication because he wasn't coping very well..he's currently still working aswell and was going to the gym until 2nd lockdown came along, going to the gym was in his words, therapy for him, gave him something to focus on..

when will it ever end ????

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Wed November 18, 2020 11:49amReport post

Hi lost 123

i wasn't aware that the solicitor was able to tell me anything down to data protection , but I've emailed them now and asked if they can tell me anything that as you say he may or may not have disclosed to them..what I can say is this, I have told my husband on more then one occasion that if at any point from now until this mess comes to an end that I find out he's lying to me, then I walk with our daughter and he never sees us again..

All I know in his original police interview the solicitor advised him to keep saying 'no comment'

call me stupid, but I thought this looked like an admission of guilt?

it's a waiting game now because our sw had taken annual leave and I don't know for how long..she doesn't seem to be in a rush to get on and do this outstanding work with me so that he can either have contact at home or even return home..she told me last week that she'd finished the assessment and posted out a copy to myself and my husband, he's received his copy but I'm still waiting..

im petrified that it's gone elsewhere and someone unknown to us is reading all about us and will god forbid come looking for us..

ive messaged her repeatedly in the last week and I've had no replies..It's so frustrating that they just don't communicate with you..we are getting fed up of having to meet outside in the cold with our daughter the way the weather is at the moment..and because of lockdown,we are having to eat outside aswell..my daughter wants to see her dad and have contact but is fed up of it being outside in the cold..when I mentioned this to sw she said she couldn't allow contact at home until she'd completed the outstanding work with me..

well hey presto, she's on her jolly's now and we're left waiting until she decides to get back in touch

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Wed November 18, 2020 2:14pmReport post

Have just received my copy of our family assessment..wow the way things get twisted , things that haven't actually been said..

I never said I didn't believe he was a risk, I said he wouldn't hurt our daughter but that doesn't mean he couldn't ( if I tell SS that ) will that go against me, if I say it doesn't mean he couldn't?



I don't feel I can say anything because it'll get twisted and I feel they've already made their mind up about me..

saying if I don't start to believe he's a risk!!
if I don't start to show how I can protect our daughter!!



that I don't believe he's asked for these images or downloaded them!!
how am I ever meant to win against SS?
how do I show I can profect her?
I feel I'm being classed as a bad parent????????????

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Wed November 18, 2020 3:13pmReport post

Hi lost 123

ive asked him over and over and over to tell me what happened and his story is consistent each time..he downloaded kik just to chat to people, he was sent an image, he deleted it, he left the application open and next thing he's got thousands of images on his phone.

ive sent SW several messages asking her to let me know what work I need to do but she's not replying to any because I believe now , she's on annual leave..of course he's going to pose a risk to our daughter because of the nature of the images..

SW keeps referring to it as an 'alleged offence'.

He's not downloaded anything from home because IP address was checked.

the only other place he was at was work, and sir IP address is a public one so therefore I'd he'd downloaded them there then who he works for would have been all over it straight away and police would have been to where he works quicker than they did to our house.

it's the only places he was ever at, home and work .

so WHERES he meant to have downloaded them from?
I literally have had enough and can't cope anymore

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Wed November 18, 2020 3:16pmReport post

Lost 123

how can I show them that I am a protective Parent?




we just want him to be able to come home

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Wed November 18, 2020 4:09pmReport post

Do I just type in search engine, parents protect plan? I could have all that drawn up ready and waiting for SW when she gets back in touch..surely when she sees me doing things like that then that will go in my favour?

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Wed November 18, 2020 5:12pmReport post

Thank you so much for all your advice it's been a great comfort

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Thu November 19, 2020 2:29pmReport post

Any tips on what I can put in a family safety plan?

Things that SW will see as acceptable and see that I'm serious and can protect my daughter despite wanting dad back home and will allow dad back home x

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Thu November 19, 2020 10:07pmReport post

Sorry lost123 hope you're ok xx

thank you for your suggestions they really are helpful and a great comfort..I will certainly keep checking in and posting to let u know how things are going..

keep in touch please

take care for now

xx

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Mon November 23, 2020 12:45pmReport post

So after being made to feel like I can't protect and supervise my daughter and feeling pretty shitty about that, I've written down in great detail a family safety plan..

im keen to get moving with the outstanding work SW still needs to do with me which in a nutshell basically involves me having to prove myself to a somewhat stranger that I'm not incapable of protecting my daughter, that I'm not blinded by the fact that my husband is my husband..

I understand fully the nature of his "alleged offence" I'm not an idiot , far from it..

im so angry with him for putting us in this position..angry that I'm having to prove myself again which I've had to do all my life.

but surely I have to try and fight for what I believe in? That being our family..

but as I write this, it would appear our SW has been sucked into a void of annual leave because I've heard nothing from her in almost 2 weeks..

she's the one who says there's still outstanding work to be done and she's had to request extra time in which to get this work done..

but how is she going to do that when she's on leave and we don't know how long for..is she oblivious to the fact that Xmas is but 4 weeks away and the longer she takes to get back to it, the less chance there is of my husband being allowed to be here at Xmas

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Mon November 23, 2020 12:49pmReport post

And there's outstanding work to be done with me because she's actually not done hardly any work with me ..but that's her fault because as she pointed out, she's been busy with other cases..

And she missed a session with me and she was then meant to re-arrange it for another day but she never did.

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Mon November 23, 2020 10:20pmReport post

Hi lee 1969

sw came to the conclusion that just because I said he wouldn't hurt our daughter ( I know in my heart of hearts he wouldn't and never has) she took that as me saying I didn't believe he posed a risk..I never said that I didn't believe he posed a risk..

it's a such a mess and I don't know how much more I can take.I feel like I'm losing my mind most days.

he is on CPS bail until March next year..what happens then scares the hell out of me.am I going to be left without a husband and my daughter without a dad?

Sw is basically saying in no uncertain terms that my judgement is clouded because of who he is..

is it not my right to choose whether I believe or disbelieve him?
police apparently can't find the exact source of where these images were downloaded from..

I can categorically say right now not from our home because our IP address was the first thing that was checked as was any digital devices.

The only other place my husband would have been was work and because of where he works and it being a public IP address, if he'd downloaded them there then the police would have been informed straight away..

he was sent a puesdo image on kik and deleted it straight away but left the application open..

but no one believes him and he's all but given up because he thinks what's the point , they're never going to believe him, the evidence is there on his phone and that's all the police care about.he hasn't actually been charged with anything yet because they are still referring to it as an "alleged offence "

he could be punished and lose everything for a moment of madness when he downloaded kik.

not for a second am I not angry with him, because I am.it's put so much strain on us as a couple and I don't know what the future holds for us ..

are we ever going to be a family again?

will we ever be able to put this behind us?
will SS ever truly leave us alone

xx

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Tue November 24, 2020 7:27amReport post

Hi lee1969

SW has done her assessment and completed it but because she's so far behind and not done hardly any work with me that's why she's requested more time to complete this outstanding work.shes had one 20minute session with me and that's all.she had a session booked for a day in October and I was sitting at home waiting for her to arrive and she didn't.so I contacted her by text and when she did decide to reply she said she was meant to contact me and cancel the session but that she'd ring and arrange a session for the following week, that never happened either.

so from one 20minute session and me saying he wouldn't hurt our daughter, she's just assumed that I don't believe he may be a risk to our daughter..

It's not my fault that she's so far behind and not done enough with me and it's not fair for her to just make an assumption on one statement I made.I'm fully aware of the nature of the alleged offence as that's what they keep calling it.I'm also fully aware of the risk he may pose regardless of who he is.

they've put him on CPS bail because back in March this year when he went to answer to bail, the investigating officer should have bailed him before March and he forgot so all his bail conditions were dropped but they were still investigating his phone as they said they were having trouble downloading any content even though they'd had the phone since November 2019.so we think when he was re-arrested in September this year they've put him on COS bail so they didn't forget again.

he's on anti-depressants due to him wanting to end his life last year and his mental health is up and down..

he has a number the doctor has given him to ring if he ever feels that he wants to end it all again and I've told him he has to ring it.

ive also been advised by lost on here to draw up a family safety plan which I have done and will be presenting this to the SW whenever she decides to get back in touch.

We don't seem to be getting very much information from the solicitor, she's just said that she doubts he'll go to prison that he'll probably just get a suspended sentence.I've tried emailing her to ask what's happening and what we can expect but we never get a reply.

I told SW that I can and would protect our daughter regardless of who it was from.

when he answers bail again March next year , this will have been going on for nearly 2yrs.

2yrs and still no further forward and them still deciding what they're going to do on the police side of things.

he's living on the edge wondering if he's going to get charged for something he hasn't done.he's been consistent with what happened through all of this , his story has never changed.

as I said earlier, police seem to be having trouble finding out where they were downloaded from.

Can they still prosecute if they fail to find where they've come from? I feel sick every time I think about what's going to happen and whether it's going to hit the media and if we'll have to move away.

im so angry with him right now

xx

Completemess

Member since
November 2020

5 posts

Posted Tue November 24, 2020 9:22amReport post

Hey Annie,

your story sounds so much like apart from me and my partner are no longer together.
We have a child together I will always love him. He's released under investigation so no bail conditions but ss are just making it impossible to co parent.
They don't want me having contact with him but they said they don't have the power to stop me. So I told them, I will be having contact with him so as long the children don't see him ( I have 3 older kids from my previous marriage) they have said our child can have supervised contact in the community so that's what we are doing as well as FaceTime contact too which they have said it's not a problem.
They just don't want me getting attached to him again as I told them we were getting closer again so bam no contact to be had in private!
I've told them till I'm blue in the face I will not allow my children to come into harms way but they think he will try and control me into letting him back into the home once investigations are over.

I don't know if he will get charged we are almost a year into our nightmare and I don't see it ending anytime soon the police have gone extremely quiet on what's going on, I don't have any rights in knowing according to the officer in charge as he's now my ex partner.

i have our child in need review in December I'm doubtful they will close the case even though I'm completely honest with them and have done everything they tell me to. Talk about punishing the innocent parent. They keep saying I'm the protective parent there are 0 concerns of my parenting. They done no assessments on me. I didn't know there were such things until I came across this forum. I think I may ask my SW next time she randomly pops up.



sorry I waffled think I'm just letting it all out!

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Tue November 24, 2020 11:51amReport post

Hi lee1969

we are still together as it's not been discussed by each other that we shouldn't..he's adamant that he's not downloaded them and certainly not at work or we'd have known about this much earlier than we did and at this stage I have no reason to not believe him..

if I were to find out different then that would be a different story altogether..we just seem to be in limbo right now..it was a moment of complete madness in him downloading kik, which he did to chat to others who have an interest in music like him.

first social worker we had said "well we have to look at the bigger picture to see if he's ever done this before "

I think if that were the case then it would have been on police records surely?

I know it may look and sound like I'm making excuses for him but I'm not.all he wanted when we met was a family and now for a moments madness , that might be gone.

he's a good dad and a good husband..this has destroyed him.you can see the pain in his eyes, the remorse, the hurt , whatever you want to call it..he sees it himself everday and feels it everyday that he's away from us.

I cannot physically do anymore than I'm doing right now and it's the worst thing ever to have to prove that your a capable parent to someone who doesn't really know you.

all my life ive had to prove myself and now I'm having to do it all again.

he's allowed contact with our daughter at the moment supervised by me in the community and he can speak to her on the phone as long as I'm in the room and the phone is on speakerphone.

to be out in the community in this weather isn't ideal but we see it as better than nothing at the moment.

SW needs to get moving on this outstanding work with me if we're to have a chance of him being here at Xmas.

but they have all the power and control and they'll see it as he's created this situation( which in fact he has ) so they'll see it that it's his fault and no one else's..

chat sites such as kik etc need to be shut down ,they shouldn't still be allowed to operate,they should be investigated as I'm sure this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

xx

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Tue November 24, 2020 11:54amReport post

Nothing seems to be moving forward at the moment because SW is on annual leave and don't know when she's back..

communication seems to be very limited.it's like they'll be in touch when they're good and ready.

SW even said to me that she doesn't want to be in our lives any longer than she needs to be.

well get a move on then and get your job done

xx

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Tue November 24, 2020 2:17pmReport post

His bail conditions state that he cannot contact our daughter directly or indirectly without prior approval of SS which as I say SW has allowed contact but only in the community.

SW has said he won't be allowed to come to the house or even move back home until she's done this outstanding work with me.

this is why I'm so frustrated because things don't seem to be moving and I want to show SW that I'm more than capable of supervising at home ..most days my head feels like it's about to burst with all the things I need to do and say.

my fear is if i rock the boat too much with SS then things will get held up even longer than they are.

it feels like walking on eggshells with them..afraid to speak, afraid to do anything in case they don't approve.

the police are happy for him to have contact with our daughter and are fine with it being in the community and are aware that I'm supervising it,I'm guessing aswell that SW has said to them that contact won't be allowed in the home until she's completed this outstanding work with me..

if it carries on for much longer with not hearing from SW then I'll be contacting the manager and saying that I'm keen to get this work done so why has everything ground to a halt?
Sorry for sounding thick, but what ombudsman do I contact if needed

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Tue November 24, 2020 10:06pmReport post

I've raised the lack of communication a while ago with SW and her reply was that she had been busy with other cases but how is that our fault?



it's a never ending vicious circle where they hold all the power

x

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Tue November 24, 2020 10:08pmReport post

I'm wondering why then when the manager know she is on leave and there's outstanding work to be done why another SW hasn't been assigned to carry out this work .

makes no sense none of it ..they literally do what they want.

x

Imploding

Member since
November 2020

39 posts

Posted Wed November 25, 2020 9:58amReport post

Hi Annie, I'm so sorry you're no further forward with SW. I had the OIC go on two weeks leave and everything seemed to grind to a holt forever because of this. It's incredibly frustrating that to them this is just a case but to us it is our lives. I also understand completely that you absolutely believe and want to stand by your husband, please don't hear what I'm not saying when I say this but social care in my experience do have reason to make assumptions. Wether that is right or wrong.
The knock came for us on the 23rd September so nowhere near the amount of time you have had to wait and I can only imagine how agonising it is. I was so confused. This man that I loved, patient and kind and good and protective and all everything I thought he should be had never been anything but good and perfect with the kids. What they told me wasn't conducive with the life we lived and he told me not to hate him it would all be cleared up. I read further up about no commenting interview and I remember him telling me that the solicitor advised that too and I also felt that would make him look guilty but it seems it's a standard thing so don't put any weight in that.

I remember my first call with social care and saying along the lines of I'm not saying he hasn't done it but it's all some big mistake he loves me and the kids he isn't interested in children etc he would never ever hurt them. I came up with every possible scenario of what might have happened barring the one they suggested because to me he absolutely wasn't capable of it. I can't go into details on this forum but I was presented with evidence that I was completely wrong. So in terms of ss there is idiots like me who swear and genuinely believe that there is no risk to children and they are protective parents. I had been asleep in the house at the time completely unaware. The children were interviewed and police say they are confident they also were unaware too. There was no signs or Indications etc.

I really hope you see my heart in this post. Like I said to begin with I'm not suggesting for a second my situation is similar to yours but trying to explain that whilst every mum/ wife / partner would never think it possible and Many are absolutely right there will be a me where it actually was and the unthinkable did or was going to happen. It's an impossible balance of knowing what to say and how to say it and I do hope they start speeding things up for you because limbo is exhausting. Doing the safety plan suggested is a really positive step to show that you are taking it seriously without having to doubt your husband. I literally plan around everything and everybody now. I've found I can't trust anybody's intentions but my own.

Doing an access request for info might be an idea too so you know exactly what is said. I would also go back to managers to raise concerns. I ended up only speaking to the team manager directly. I'm sending so much love and hope this gets cleared up soon.

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Mon November 30, 2020 10:40amReport post

Hi

ive created and written down my family safety plan..as I've said in previous posts, I new never actually said to SW that I didn't believe he wasn't a risk..I just said he wouldn't hurt her and I truly believe he wouldn't..you only have to see them together to see how much he loves her and how much she loves her dad..

I have to fight for what I believe in or we have nothing..I know how this will all look to SS and police..the evidence is there on his phone..I'm sure they don't care who put it there or how it got there, just that it's there..

I truly believe it wasn't him..he's never shown indications like that ever.but I'm sure people will and have said different.

I see the agony of how much this is hurting him and how much it's hurting me and our daughter in his eyes everytime I see him..

but in the eyes of social services, I can't be seen to be biased just because of who he is..I have to be mindful and show them despite who he is that he does pose a risk because of what's been found..if I thought and felt for a second he was capable of this then without a doubt , I'd have nothing to do with him and I'd leave him to it..

as for SW I've not heard from her since before she went on annual leave..as of today that's now 2weeks..

surely she's back at work now?
my husband knows that if he's allowed to return home then things will have to be very different.and our daughter knows that aswell..she 2 has been spoken to by SW and has never revealed anything inappropriate ever being done..she's got her head firmly screwed on in that respect, she understands fully what's right and what's wrong..

of course I'm angry with him, of course I'm upset with him..how could I not be?
we have to try and fix this for our daughters sake, for our family's sake..

I don't know if 5yrs down the line we'll still be together because the strain right now is unbelievable.but we have to try don't we?
we have to try and not let it tear us apart.

I can't say or do anymore than I have in the family safety plan..

but I will be wanting to discuss some of what SW has put down in her assessment because some of it isn't correct.

surely before facts are documented and written down that the facts need to be clear and correct?

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Tue December 1, 2020 9:30amReport post

Hi

thanks for your comments they really are appreciated..I'm finding so much comfort and hope from all the posts and comments..

its so frustrating that SS can do and say whatever they want and there's nothing you can do about it..

ive searched and searched on the internet and on parents protect for the best information and ways to put in a family safety plan, this I have now done and it's ready for the Sw to see whenever she decides to turn up again..

we are under no illusions that things will be normal again if my husband is allowed to come to the house for contact or even be allowed to return home..

he understands and accepts that things will have to be different band so does our daughter and this is what I will be telling the sw , I've had lengthy discussions with my husband about how things will have to be and I've laid it on the line to him, if he can't accept that things will be different, then there's no place for him here at home..that may sound harsh, but that's how it is.he's understanding and happy that things will be different , he wants to cooperate in any way he can and needs to..he's even contacted IAPS for support and advice, and that was a big step for him, to ring and chat about his mental health and I'm so proud of him for doing that x

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Sun December 6, 2020 11:09pmReport post

So SW finally got in touch on Thursday.Said she'd only just got back from annual leave and was just catching Up on things..in terms of the work she needed to do with me,she said it would probably only be two more sessions but it would be done by Xmas.

she visited me on Friday and I presented her with the family safety plan..she briefly skimmed it but asked if she could take it with her so that she could sit down and go through it and then get her manager to look at it..she advised that tHis would be done either Tuesday or Wednesday morning but that she would get in touch right away..

she said she appreciated that it was Xmas soon and wanted things moved along and I agreed because otherwise myself and my daughter would be on our own on Xmas day and nobody wanted that..

i told her that rest assured what was set out in the family safety plan was how it would be and that my husband was on board with it ( well he's no choice but to really if he wants to be at home) I said to SW that she has to trust me that I mean what I say in plan because if we don't have the trust then what's the point?

she also apologised to me saying that if it came across in the assessment I received that it was implied I was a bad parent then she said that's not what it meant..she said sorry if it came across like that.

she was pleased aswell that my husband had rang IAPS regarding his mental health and she enquired as to how they'd advised him,

so now feeling a bit more positive about things , but not massively positive..I told her I'd gone to great lengths and searched and searched for information and sought some invaluable and greatly appreciated advice and spent a lot of time creating the family safety plan..

i hope I've done enough to prove to SW & SS that I know he may pose a risk because of the nature of the offence and I told SW this on Friday that I never said I didn't believe he didn't pose a risk and that I understood he could pose a risk..it seemed this is what she wanted to hear and I keep my fingers crossed for a positive update.

i will post again when I know more

love to all xx

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Mon December 14, 2020 1:33pmReport post

So C.I.D officer knocks at the door this morning asking if I knew where my husband was bailed to as the investigating officer apparently didn't know and had asked them to do a door knock as they were in the area..

funny that since I was under the impression that SW had confirmed husbands correct bail address to the investigating officer due to him having the incorrect address..

so I told the officer that was stood in my living room this morning, and she said the SW hadn't told the investigating officer anything.

so after she'd left, I messaged SW to tell her all this and I've still not heard from her!! Besting in mind she said she'd be in touch last week to go over the rest of the work with me and now we're 11 days away from Xmas and still nothing from her despite me leaving 2 messages for her last week

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Tue December 15, 2020 10:11pmReport post

The day we've been dreading has finally arrived..husband has received a letter informing him that he's been charged and has a court date for February 2021..I'm absolutely devastated..I have no words..we knew that he'd not come away from this Scott free, but to actually hear it is another matter..he's heartbroken and I'm afraid of what he may do ..

he never meant for any of this he really didn't.now he's terrified that SW won't allow him home even though I've created a family safety plan and stipulated thoroughly that everything in it will be followed regliously and that we are on board and committed to it and to whatever SW requires us to do.

I cannot do or say anything more than I have done to make SW see and believe that I can and will protect my daughter and that because of the nature of the offence that of course he poses as a risk.

my biggest fear is that it doesn't get into the local paper..solicitor is contacting husband in the morning and she's told me to tell him that they've got plenty of time to get prepared, that he's not to worry and that he'll be ok..

I know that the life we had before all this is gone and that the life we'll have from now on is going to be differentiated if he's ever to be allowed home.but I will do whatever I need to so that he can come home if not for my sake but for our daughter..

xmas being next week is the last thing on my mind now..I've hounded SW today with messages letting her know what's happened and come tomrrow it'll be nearly 2 weeks since I gave her the family safety plan and I've heard nothing from her ..

any advice from anyone will be greatly appreciated

xx

nicenana

Member since
March 2019

243 posts

Posted Tue December 15, 2020 10:36pmReport post

Hi Annie

im sorry to hear that you have had the decision to charge, I remember,bet how I felt when my son was charged for communication with a girl who was under age. Here in Scotland, the police have the power to charge as we do not have cps. We have procurator fiscal and they can drop the charges of they feel there's not enough evidence for conviction. That didn't happen with us. Our son was convicted.

I have little words of advice because, until recently I've had very little to do with social work. Recently our daughter was told to cut contact with other brother because she has a little boy. She did this because where.t under pressure. However, fast forward ten days, daughter got an advocate to request a meeting with social services. My daughter was told to write down what contact she wanted with her brother and how she was going to safeguard her son. She did this and said in her notes that she could live with her son having no contact as long as she could see her brother while the little one is at nursery.
Today, that meeting took place. The advocate put our daughters case forward at the meeting because my daughter felt to upset to put it all into words. It was a pretty informal meeting that took place in my daughters house. Result- social worker has said our daughter can have contact with our son by letter and phone until he comes home from prison. She's not allowed to take our grandson to prison visits. Thesovial worker has said her son will heal,owed supervised contact in time. They are going to make my daughter go through an assesmemt and safe guarding course soon. Our son will have to also be assessed but it's been agreed that our son will in time have supervised access to his nephew. My daughter was distraught and her mental health went to pot when the other social worker demanded she cut contact with her brother. Those people have no idea the effect they gave on people's mental health just by the way they speak to them!!!! I've no time for any of them after what happened to my daughter.

I wish men who do this could be played a video of a real life family going through this as a warning to them if what life is likely to be like if they commit this crime . The ripple effect for the innocent family members is horrendous and nobody seems to give a hoot about that!
As for pornography, it should be banned full stop as there is to much illegal stuff in with the normal. Either ban it or take the bloody companies to heel. Give them a warning of one strike and your shut down! One illegal video you get a warning, second time, your closed down! Simple as that. X

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Tue December 15, 2020 11:03pmReport post

Hi nicenana

we've done everything so far that social services has asked of us..even down to me being in the room when my husband wants to speak to our daughter on the phone which I have to put on speaker phone..ive assured the social worker of everything that is in the family safety plan will be followed regliously and that it's not up for discussion with my husband , if he wants to be allowed home, then he has to abide by what's in the plan as we all do.

my fear is now he's been charged, is social worker going to say he can't return home even though I've created a family safety plan?
has me doing that been a waste of time?
im so so angry with him for even downloading kik..sites like this that allow these images to filter through should be shut down.

why do they even allow these images to get through?
he's never ever done anything like this and I know in my heart he's not interested in children in that way.

his solicitor has said he's most likely to get a suspended sentence..

im scared of what the future holds if this is the case..I pray to god that the paper doesn't get hold of it and I intend to write a letter to the judge and try to appeal to their better nature and ask that my husband be granted anonymity for the our daughter's sake..we also plan to get some character references done aswell as I believe that may go in his favour aswell as him showing remorse

xx

nicenana

Member since
March 2019

243 posts

Posted Tue December 15, 2020 11:34pmReport post

Hi Annie

From what I read, and from what happened with my daughter, a lot of social work decisions depend on the social worker you get assigned to you. My friend from Scotland who I met through this site then via mumsnet has had experience similar to yours. She provided them with a safety plan etc. It took time but he was allowed to move back home so keep going and keep fighting it.

I do not condone men who look at images at all, but, some men don't even realise they have downloaded the images or videos. I've read on here that those things can come in bundles. I've read stories where men have looked at only a few of what they have downloaded and then deleted everything. If this happens, some men (not all) may never be aware that they have downloaded anything illegal. I had a conversation with my husband on that very sibject earlier tonight,

The sites get away with it because of the money it generates for the economy! He government are as bad as the sites for not policing the whole thing. Today I read in paper, visa and MasterCard blocked payments to poor hub because they were ousted as having mainly child abuse on their site. Last night, porn hub deleted eighty percent of its videos. Why? Because that eighty percent was bloody child abuse!!!L only twenty percent of what was on their yesterday was legal! How on earth have the government not dealt with that? Money!

I wrote a letter of support to the judge but it did no good. My son was still sent to prison.that said my son was communication which the courts class as more serious than images. I think Theresa way you can ask the court not to release your address but there are not many that succeed in getting there address kept off the record. We did not ask for that as we really had no grounds for it so oursons case did you in the paper. It's a hit and miss whether it goes in or not. It just depends what other news they have to report that week.

I know it's easy for me to say but try not to worry to much about it at the moment. You likely won't believe me, but things start to settle down more about a month or two after the court case. You may not think so but what you've been going through since the knock is usually the worst part of the whole process. In my case, and many other people's , things slowly got better after sentencing. Life will never be the same again, we are all to aware of that, but life can be okay. You will get used to a new normal . It just all takes time. The first hurdle is to sort social services and then the court case. After that, you can start to rebuild your lives, hopefully as a family. X

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Wed December 16, 2020 7:40amReport post

Hi nicenana

husbands solicitor has said the most he can expect is a suspended sentence..I'm not making excuses for him and some might say I am, but i genuinely believe he didn't go looking for those images when he downloaded kik..he was nosey in terms of it being another chat site and wanted to know what it was all about..he never for a second imagined that there'd be anything like that on it..It's disgusting to think that these sites make money out of situations like this and those responsible for sending these images appear to get away with it while the rest of us are left suffering..

I told social worker even before we knew he'd been charged and I'd given her the family safety plan, that she had my word that I would protect and keep our daughter safe if husband was allowed home and I told her that she'd had to trust me in what I was saying because if there was no trust then we didn't have anything..I'm not an idiot, I know how bad this situation is that we've found ourselves in, and I know what I need to do to keep,our daughter safe and I hope that social worker believes me.

i cannot do or say anymore to her about what I'll do to keep her safe..my heart is breaking here because Xmas is round the corner..I'm heartbroken for me for my daughter and for my husband but I'm also angry with him for being so stupid for going anywhere near that damned kik in the first place.

x

majestictopaz15

Member since
December 2019

371 posts

Posted Wed December 16, 2020 8:39amReport post

Annie do you have details of the evidence they have on whether the charges are only related to viewing iioc (not downloading, sharing etc)? I'm curious to see if the police and CPS have set charges on what seems to be based on your partner not reporting iioc from a chat on Kik.

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Wed December 16, 2020 8:55amReport post

Hi majestic

he's being charged for being in possession of iioc..not for sharing them or not for distributing them ..he told solicitor that he just downloaded kik messenger and next thing was sent a puesdo image.. he deleted it and thought that was it..consistent in saying he never requested it and never viewed it..but he left the application open which resulted in him being sent a bundle which contained thousands of iioc.he didn't realise he'd been sent these images as he assumed when he deleted the puesdo image that that was it..call him stupid because he is, call him irresponsible because he is..I don't really know why he even went near kik in the first place..curiosity to see what it was all about as he'd heard people at work talking about it..he swears he never knew there were people on it who were capable of sending iioc.

I truly believe in my heart he never went looking for those images but the police won't care how they got on his phone, just that they are on it..

x

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Wed December 16, 2020 1:38pmReport post

Hi everyone

so SW has finally been in touch after having even more time off work!! So the update is shes emailed the DC in charge of husbands case just to gather information regarding bail conditions if any and the date he has to attend court as that information hasn't been passed onto her yet by the DC ( which I'm not surprised about as they're a bit slack )

she's pleased with what I've put in the family safety plan, she says it's thorough and some of the safety planning such as the privacy is really clear and positive.the outstanding work she needs to do with me will be in relation to sexual abuse and her being able to evidence my understanding of it ( any help and advice on what I can do or expect in regards to this will be greatly appreciated) this will need to be done she says so that if the case closes they can do it confidently.she has said that she'll have some support when doing this as she's not used some of the tools she should have and apologies because due to the Xmas leave , some of it will need to be done during Xmas..

but on a happier note, husband can be here at Xmas as long as other family members are to ensure our daughter's safety until she's completed work with me

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Wed December 16, 2020 10:22pmReport post

Hi lee

thank you so much for your advice and yes today has been a good day..it's a small step toward him being allowed him properly..it's made him feel brighter that he can actually spend Xmas with us..there is light at the end of the tunnel..now we need to focus on the up and coming court case..

now we know what's happening we can begin to move forward ever so slowly..he was very panicky yesterday when he received the letter and I was frightened for him in case he did something to himself, but he's promised me that he won't..I've been in contact with his solicitor and informed her of what's happening and I told her I was scared for him and that he was in a bit of a state because he's desperate for it to be kept out of the paper..
she will be getting in touch with husband and until she does she's told me to tell him not to worry that he'll be ok and everything will be ok..

there is a little light beginning to come through what is a very very long tunnel..I will look at those courses tomorrow.thank you again

xx

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

224 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 12:21pmReport post

Haven't posted in a while..been in a not so good place lately and I don't know why.Been struggling with how I can show SS and our SW that I'm a protective parent and can keep my daughter save if hubby is allowed home..

Ive created a family safety plan ( in great detail) SW has seen that and is happy with it.

Have bought an indoor security camera ready to be set up which will cover the night time issues that SW has when we are asleep if she says hubby can come home.

passwords to iPad and my phone have been changed and I'm the only one who now knows what they are.

The sky shield is switched on on the internet and certain websites have been blocked.

PIN number for certain channels on the television have been changed.

I've completed one child protection and safeguarding course and I'm in the process of doing another more detailed one which also covers prevent.

Anymore advice on what I need to do that I've not already done woukd be greatly appreciated.

Ive written page after page of notes on recognising the signs and understanding the signs of child abuse.

Ive done so much already that my brain is fit to burst.What more will I be expected to do?

Then Friday was a mad day..Knock at the door, unannounced visit from SS regarding some information they said they'd received that I actually had hubby living here unknown to them..

SW chatted, and I willingly allowed her to go round our house and search to see if hubby was actually here ( which he wasn't ).why would we be so stupid as to sneak him in here and jeopardise all the work we've done and all the work we're doing in trying to get him to be allowed home?
since found out that this information came from a conversation that our daughter had at school with her head of year about dad being allowed here at Xmas..so from our daughter saying dad was allowed to be here at Xmas, her head of year has somehow managed to interpret that as him living here when he's not supposed to have been..



My nerves are on edge as it it right now as hubby is due in court next week..

emotions are all over the place..as are his..

Im trying my very best to prove that should they feel confident enough to want to close the case, then our daughter will be safe enough for them to do so.I'm exhausted with trying to show them that she will be..

we've given our SW no reason to suspect that he was here..

im so scared that even after court, even after everything I've done so far that they'll still say he can't come home.

what else can I do to show that it will be safe for our daughter.