Moving forward
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My husband was arrested the 28th October 2020 I have been told it was for talking to a mother of a child of 10 but was a police Decoy,, then was told he will not be do for accessing images of talking derictly to a minor,, he plend guilty,, I did not know anything he has talked to me and said it was a big mistake and didn't mean for it to happen and he will deal with everything he has to and understands if I want to walk away but I have a 4 year and 13 year old with additional needs he was a great dad and did everything for them,, I do believe he not physical done anything to them,, he has bad depression and is on medication. He said he was not taking his medication at the time and has had a break down,, he in court on the 26th november and I can't go is there anyway to find out the facts after because none is telling me anything his family have said he is dead to them,, I just don't know where to turn and how to dealing with all the things they keep telling me to move on and get a dovise him and if I see him they will take the kids of me,, I understand their angry and upset but this is not helping me and my kids,, the 4 year old is his and 13 year old from another relationship but he brought him up as his own and they keep asking Where's dad and don't know what to say please need advice and how long he might be look at,, social service and also saying that they are worried I am going to show him empathy and smythipthy,, and cause I am a support work and some of my client have comited crimes like this that I am not going to safegraude my kids but I think all this has helped me more than thy can understand but they keep pushing it at me and this is also putting me on edge around them and the family
No judgement
No judgement
Hi Vickie
my partner was arrested around same date as urs I’m not married but have a child with him and a daughter from a previous relationship. I don’t know what the future holds but I know he won’t be able to live with us as SS thinks he is high risk. No one knows apart from my manager but just shopping today I felt people were looking and treating me differently then they used to. I know people will have an opinion on whatever I decide
im always around if u need to chat
Rusty
my partner was arrested around same date as urs I’m not married but have a child with him and a daughter from a previous relationship. I don’t know what the future holds but I know he won’t be able to live with us as SS thinks he is high risk. No one knows apart from my manager but just shopping today I felt people were looking and treating me differently then they used to. I know people will have an opinion on whatever I decide
im always around if u need to chat
Rusty
Thanks rusty for me I think I can see a way forward if it just a conversation and he right he planned a meeting and he had chance if he wanted to go and he said he did not want I am going to tell him I help as long as he gets all the help he can ,, he's a great dad and they love him,, and when I take my vowels I meet them but I know his family will not see it that way,, they already telling me what to do and to get over it and move on,, yes I understand what I mean went to the school to pick my daughter up and parents standing and talking one turns around and looks directly at and then turns and talks to his partner and I am standing there thinking are they talking about me as far as I am aware no of the other parents know anything but I know what u mean feels like I have a tag around my neck xxx
Same if u want to chat I am here to
Same if u want to chat I am here to
Hi Vickie
Our stories are similar. Well my husband was arrested for iioc in may 2020. We too have 2 children aged 9 and 14. 2 boys.
I too am a Support worker and have worked with offenders. We have the empathy and emotional intelligence to see that this is not a black and white offence... This has stemmed from very poor mental health. We should not be judged for this. You can still be a protective parent. Look at safety plans on parent protect.
I would suggest that you think about the inform course. Its really helping me. Things are still tough but we are working on things and the course is helping us both xxx
Our stories are similar. Well my husband was arrested for iioc in may 2020. We too have 2 children aged 9 and 14. 2 boys.
I too am a Support worker and have worked with offenders. We have the empathy and emotional intelligence to see that this is not a black and white offence... This has stemmed from very poor mental health. We should not be judged for this. You can still be a protective parent. Look at safety plans on parent protect.
I would suggest that you think about the inform course. Its really helping me. Things are still tough but we are working on things and the course is helping us both xxx
Thank u rainbow girl I have had that used against me by ss but if it was not from my job I think I would defo be going round the bend and I said about him mental health to the social not that makes it right but it would explain how we can do dum things,,, I tried explaining he was here with two child's all the time he on 30mg antidepressants day and night,, I think he had a big mental break down cause if he was wanting to meet with someone he could of cause that whole week I was of work due to a chest infection so he had a babysitter and both cars,,, he said he never intended to go it was conversation that went wrong,, he has told me he taking him meds and having talks with mental health and conciling to he sound very remorseful,, we shell see
Wow Vickie you sound in such a good head space seeing as its such early days.
Is your husband having to live away from the family home?
I didnt want mine here at first he was bailed to his parents address. Stayed there a few months now has his own place. We spend a lot of time together as a family and we hope to reunite when social services allow.
Its all very tough. Make sure you're looking after you xxxx
Is your husband having to live away from the family home?
I didnt want mine here at first he was bailed to his parents address. Stayed there a few months now has his own place. We spend a lot of time together as a family and we hope to reunite when social services allow.
Its all very tough. Make sure you're looking after you xxxx
I just think the fact he been open has helped I know I am going to hurt family members they are not going to understand but I have a very toxic up bring and we all make mistakes none is prefect,,, if it had been picture and more I don't think I would be where I am,, I am hurt about what he has done and life is not going to be the same but he is a father so I need to try and help for my kids sake,,, my auntie is great and has give me a lot of advise and stop it now to xxx
No he did not get bail because he had no address to go to,,, he is not allowed home and his mom said no and does not want anything to do with him x
No he did not get bail because he had no address to go to,,, he is not allowed home and his mom said no and does not want anything to do with him x
Awww Vickie that's rubbish hunny. Did they not try to find a bail hostel for him? He shouldn't be detained surely?!
The things we go through in our childhood help shape us into the people we are today. They help us to try and understand and not judge others.
I hope you're taking good care of yourself and allowing yourself to process things. I am almost 6 months in and the shock is still there xxx
The things we go through in our childhood help shape us into the people we are today. They help us to try and understand and not judge others.
I hope you're taking good care of yourself and allowing yourself to process things. I am almost 6 months in and the shock is still there xxx
I was having a good day proseccing my feeling and emotions then his cousin texts me on about there nan and things,, and how mad she is with him and I am like in my head how do u think I feel,, then she like why did he ring u for,, why are u answering the phone to him,, one charge is one charge to many and I get all this but I feel like screaming and saying why don't u go and talk to him instead of coming to me,, I don't know why they keeped him on remanded but they did,, I can see this all blowing up and I don't know how to handle it,, she then goes on about my daughter and that she better growing up knowing his dead but then that's lie and she going to hate for that then and run to him and I am so scared of that I just feel this is the only place I can talk without been judged xx
Oh god Vickie what a nightmare for you hunny. His family are not helping. They are catastrophying and laying some blame with you when you're an indirect victim of this offence. My family were similar. I had to be firm with them and tell them to back off in the end. Nobody can tell you how to feel or what to do right now. You know your husband isn't a monster. Encourage them to call the helpline and make sure you do regularly too xxx
Thank u both see I feel I can say things I not going to be judged yes I do love him and he is the father to both of my children one biology and other he brought up as his own yes he had his faults but like u say we all make mistakes,,, we comdem my friends mom and dad cause she was15 when she meet her now husband and he was late 20s,, not say its right,, ,, if my husband had wanted help then I don't think I could support him but he does and its going to be a long road and I am going to lose people but we will take each day as they come thank u guys for ur support means so much really does xxxx
If I can support u in any way shape or form drop me a message #inittogther
If I can support u in any way shape or form drop me a message #inittogther
Hi Vickie
how are u doing? Just thought I’d check because like me ur knock was 3weeks ago.
Rusty x
how are u doing? Just thought I’d check because like me ur knock was 3weeks ago.
Rusty x
Thank u Lee I beleiev that I know safegraude inside out because of my 13 year old son having additional needs and my son had cin meeting because of his boilgical dad being a dead beat dad,, plus due to my job I also explained to my daughter about the names for the genatals and the body triangle and none body touched her body me or her dad would wash her hair but she washed her body herself,,, for a 4 year old she can't help but tell people everyone and that why I believe he has not done anything to them I explained all this to the ss hoping this will help us,, I think that like u say none can say anything till they walk in our shoes,, thank u for ur support hope we can all come together to help each other on her I think after the court I might move just as the first step to moving on ready to help my partner to move on and give him the support he needs to be part of our life's xx
Thank u again
Thank u again
Hi rusty
Had a hard day after talking to my auntie and been on here it better just want the court day to come around so we know what we are facing and can start moving on,,, waiting for ss to say their part,, and then see what his family have to say cause they not supporting him or wanting to know so taking day by day xxx
How are u doing rusty xz
Had a hard day after talking to my auntie and been on here it better just want the court day to come around so we know what we are facing and can start moving on,,, waiting for ss to say their part,, and then see what his family have to say cause they not supporting him or wanting to know so taking day by day xxx
How are u doing rusty xz
Hi Vickie
Im ok it just feels like a bad dream. I have to tell our 3year old that daddy is at work. My partners bail was up this morning and he had to report to the police station but they rang and postponed it till January.
My children are on the protection register so I’ve now gotta prove I can keep them safe.
From one of ur posts I’ve read that u had dealings too with SS in the past because of ur ex I too have been through something similar with an ex and SS before.
It could be a year before all this mess is over. Dreading going back to work as we both worked together and everybody will be talking
take care Rusty
Im ok it just feels like a bad dream. I have to tell our 3year old that daddy is at work. My partners bail was up this morning and he had to report to the police station but they rang and postponed it till January.
My children are on the protection register so I’ve now gotta prove I can keep them safe.
From one of ur posts I’ve read that u had dealings too with SS in the past because of ur ex I too have been through something similar with an ex and SS before.
It could be a year before all this mess is over. Dreading going back to work as we both worked together and everybody will be talking
take care Rusty
I so understand one of my best close friends was abuse and I throu I could trust her and gone on Facebook today and she put this big statement about abuse on there and not name him but the family will know I have told her now waiting for the back lash off that,,, I just want to pack up and run away from everything I understand there angry but I never ever thro she would do that it only takes someone now to put two and two together and the abuse for us will start,,, I am so angry with her it unreal xxxx and she also has members of his family on her facebook and she stated like one of my closes friends I thro today was going OK now I feel like I been kicked in the head again and don't have the right to say anything because then it will come a cross as I am standing up for him,,, it feels like running away is my only choice at the moment xxx
Hi Vickie
so sorry ur having to go through this maybe not many will read the post or even think to connect u with it.
My mum questioned me today and asked if my partner would be moving back into the family home. I’ve discussed this already with him and we have decided to wait till after the court case and see what that brings. I have warned him that it’s his only chance he’s getting.
Ive got a SS visit tomorrow they want to see the kids too which my teenage daughter is not impressed with. She hates SS and how they twist what she says.
Least works given me a few days off but to be fair I need to go back because the gossips will be in overdrive and I want to put a stop to them.
Take care and I’m here if u need me x
so sorry ur having to go through this maybe not many will read the post or even think to connect u with it.
My mum questioned me today and asked if my partner would be moving back into the family home. I’ve discussed this already with him and we have decided to wait till after the court case and see what that brings. I have warned him that it’s his only chance he’s getting.
Ive got a SS visit tomorrow they want to see the kids too which my teenage daughter is not impressed with. She hates SS and how they twist what she says.
Least works given me a few days off but to be fair I need to go back because the gossips will be in overdrive and I want to put a stop to them.
Take care and I’m here if u need me x
Well I don't no longer care I spoke to my partner tonight and he explained he had been on that site kik and was talking to someone and it was a great mistake and he was not thinking right and that he never meant for it to happen and he will do anything to move forward,,, we just have to wait and see,, he was not eating and taking his meds and he so remorsal I have given him the stopitnow dealts and told him he needs to talk to them and he needs to do the course they do to,,, he said yes I do anything to sort this out fingers crossed xxx hope ur day has been better rusty and I am here if I can help u at all xxxx
Thank u everyone for the support I think my heart feels a little lighter and so is my heart thanks to u lady's and gents for talking and listening xx
Thank u everyone for the support I think my heart feels a little lighter and so is my heart thanks to u lady's and gents for talking and listening xx
That's great Vickie im glad you managed to have that chat and can now look at moving forward.
Definitely look at the inform course when you're ready. Its really helped me n now i have a lovely group of women i can interact with xx
Definitely look at the inform course when you're ready. Its really helped me n now i have a lovely group of women i can interact with xx
Thank u rainbow I am not saying it going to be easy but I can't just throw 10 years away and I do still love him and we have kids to I just hope people can understand that but I defo keeping this site and defo going to do the course xx
If u need anything don't hesitate to text and I will always chat,, x
Here's to turning a very small corner xx
If u need anything don't hesitate to text and I will always chat,, x
Here's to turning a very small corner xx
Awww its good to hear you positive vickie... Especially after your friend betraying you like that!
Its all very tough and worrying but i feel so similar to you. Tomorrow is 21 years since we met, married 18 and we have 2 kids too. People think its easy to throw all that away but it's certainly not.
Be kind to yourself and take each day at a time xx
Its all very tough and worrying but i feel so similar to you. Tomorrow is 21 years since we met, married 18 and we have 2 kids too. People think its easy to throw all that away but it's certainly not.
Be kind to yourself and take each day at a time xx
It defo is hun and to how posstive he sounds on the phone and how he has explained everything to me and he said he understand that what he has done has hurt me,, which he never wanted or the kids but he has to live with it and people can think what they like I really don't care I am looking after my unit he was there for me thro my pain and darkest moment now its my time,, rainbow and all the women who have help me so far thank u and if u want to chat drop me a message,,, feel so so much lighter in my heart and head just now got to get thro court date and see what they say on the 26 to his sentence,,,
Hi Vickie
im so glad u managed to have that chat with him. No one knows what it’s like going through something like this till they experience it for themselves. I have no support from family or friends as I’ve told no one or I’ve gave away very few details to them.
The only person in contact with me by text or calls is my partner.
Had my 2nd SS visit today with a new SW she only looks very young. Spent about have an hour here asked me about 10 questions if that said a quick hello to the kids then left. I can’t understand how she can judge and assess our family unit from that little interaction but she will. I’m so looking forward to the next report on us.
Take care x
im so glad u managed to have that chat with him. No one knows what it’s like going through something like this till they experience it for themselves. I have no support from family or friends as I’ve told no one or I’ve gave away very few details to them.
The only person in contact with me by text or calls is my partner.
Had my 2nd SS visit today with a new SW she only looks very young. Spent about have an hour here asked me about 10 questions if that said a quick hello to the kids then left. I can’t understand how she can judge and assess our family unit from that little interaction but she will. I’m so looking forward to the next report on us.
Take care x
I know hun well I did the opposite to u I told all the family and both school my social said yesterday on the phone she had no concerns about me prospecting my kids but then I explained I had spoken with my husband and what he said and she said she don't believe him and thinks he done it before but this is the first he been catch for it,,, she also said she worked for ss for 14 years but this is the first case she come a cross of this I don't get that just got to sit tight till next thrusday and see what next,,
I hate the fact they think they can just look at u and tell you what they want to hear or see,,
Rusty hope we both get to sort all this out I mean that from the bottom off my heart always here to chat to x
I hate the fact they think they can just look at u and tell you what they want to hear or see,,
Rusty hope we both get to sort all this out I mean that from the bottom off my heart always here to chat to x
Hi Vickie
how are u doing? I’m finding I’m stronger than what I thought I was. I am also having issues with trust I keep asking myself if I’ll ever be able to trust him again if we remain in a relationship.
Take care Rusty x
how are u doing? I’m finding I’m stronger than what I thought I was. I am also having issues with trust I keep asking myself if I’ll ever be able to trust him again if we remain in a relationship.
Take care Rusty x
Your not the only one rusty I keep thinking do I just cut and run but then I think about my little lady she 4 and needs a dad then I think could I move would I trust someone else,, but then my heart is saying u don't want anyone else,,, then dealing with the family crap that they keep saying my kids come first and they should not be at risk,, I am like I know that,, then u sit down and think God I am strong to deal with this well I think so xx
Rant over
Rusty for me at the moment I can't be dealing with other people's drama I want to scream at them and tell people to grow up and it not worth it but I can't I just want to wake up and its all over,, I need to just look at me and my unit always here for a chat xxxx big hugs
Rant over
Rusty for me at the moment I can't be dealing with other people's drama I want to scream at them and tell people to grow up and it not worth it but I can't I just want to wake up and its all over,, I need to just look at me and my unit always here for a chat xxxx big hugs
Hi vickie
Ive only just come across this post so I hope you see my reply.
We're going into our 2nd year of what has been an extremely heartbreaking journey and one I never thought I'd ever be on and never want to be on again.
Husband was arrested 2019 for being in possession of iioc..took the police tik Sept 2020 to download the actual content of his phone..husband told me all he did was download kik to chat to people and I truly believe he never went looking for those images..was sent a puesdo image,deleted it but left application open and boom thousands of images ended up on his phone..
No one cares how they got there just that they are there and it's his phone..
Ive chosen to stand by him and support him..hes a good man who for whatever reason has made a stupid stupid mistake and one that will be with him for the rest of his life..
Its your life and you do what u need to do and never mind what everyone else thinks..we've told no one except those who need to know..husband not allowed at home yet,ss finishing work with me .
Yesterday hubby was at magistrates court for plea hearing,outcome was as we expected ,suspended sentence,probation,sor.
He's to return to crown court to hear length of suspended sentence and how long on sor.
Hes devastated and couldn't be more sorry.he was even going to take his own life when this all started because he thought me and our daughter would be better off without him and because of him wanting to do that, he's now on antidepressants.
Its been the worst of times and there's been some dark days.
We just want him to be able to come home and we've accepted that we will now have to live a ' new normal way of life
If we can get through this then we can get through anything and you'll be able to do the same
Take care xx
Ive only just come across this post so I hope you see my reply.
We're going into our 2nd year of what has been an extremely heartbreaking journey and one I never thought I'd ever be on and never want to be on again.
Husband was arrested 2019 for being in possession of iioc..took the police tik Sept 2020 to download the actual content of his phone..husband told me all he did was download kik to chat to people and I truly believe he never went looking for those images..was sent a puesdo image,deleted it but left application open and boom thousands of images ended up on his phone..
No one cares how they got there just that they are there and it's his phone..
Ive chosen to stand by him and support him..hes a good man who for whatever reason has made a stupid stupid mistake and one that will be with him for the rest of his life..
Its your life and you do what u need to do and never mind what everyone else thinks..we've told no one except those who need to know..husband not allowed at home yet,ss finishing work with me .
Yesterday hubby was at magistrates court for plea hearing,outcome was as we expected ,suspended sentence,probation,sor.
He's to return to crown court to hear length of suspended sentence and how long on sor.
Hes devastated and couldn't be more sorry.he was even going to take his own life when this all started because he thought me and our daughter would be better off without him and because of him wanting to do that, he's now on antidepressants.
Its been the worst of times and there's been some dark days.
We just want him to be able to come home and we've accepted that we will now have to live a ' new normal way of life
If we can get through this then we can get through anything and you'll be able to do the same
Take care xx
Annie1969 I'm only 7weeks in, but with the plea hearing so they say there and then what the outcome will be then? And it's just the length that is later decided?
Also with all of these delays due to covid is that taken into account. I know if someone was kept in prison they would have that deducted from their sentence but what about if you've just been left waiting for a couple of years to get to court. It potentially means you've had restricted contact with your children for so long already will they consider this? This seems like the biggest punishment in itself not seeing your own children grow up. If this went on for 2 years for me my children would be completely different by the time it got to court as they're young they just would not even resemble the kids they are now or remember the life we had before this happened.
Also with all of these delays due to covid is that taken into account. I know if someone was kept in prison they would have that deducted from their sentence but what about if you've just been left waiting for a couple of years to get to court. It potentially means you've had restricted contact with your children for so long already will they consider this? This seems like the biggest punishment in itself not seeing your own children grow up. If this went on for 2 years for me my children would be completely different by the time it got to court as they're young they just would not even resemble the kids they are now or remember the life we had before this happened.
Thank you, he is already privately getting counselling. He is using the help line too. He will also look at the courses. In terms of mitigating factors will it be considered that he is a victim of abuse himself and various struggles life has thrown at him? I know this won't condone this sort of crime but maybe offer an explanation for someone not sexually attracted to under age looking at under age?
Financially we can't survive without his income and I know he has promised me he will financially support us in every way he can.
Financially we can't survive without his income and I know he has promised me he will financially support us in every way he can.
Thank you. I will look into those modules. You give such good advice on here. Its so helpful. I am very much jumping ahead all of them time thinking of the outcome when it will be what I will do then I keep coming back to today and thinking I feel so far from the outcome I feel like the end of the day is out of reach sometimes.
Thank you. And you're right. Yes he is doing everything he can. I know he is trying to be honest with me although he is deeply ashamed and embarrassed which he should be. He knows he has let me down and he knows that he may have lost me and every day he loses the opportunity to tuck his children in at night and watch them sleep or do the simple parenting tasks he took for granted. I hope one day we can be a family again but at this stage I just want him to fix himself so he can be a good father. I just hope he is being honest with me I couldn't deal with any more shocks. I am collecting some anti depressants to try which I hope will help me to pick myself up a bit and not be stuck in this unhappy mode where I switch between desperately sad to overwhelmed with grief.
It's emotional roller-coaster and I think the advice I Been given is to take it day by day,,
And last night I lay in bed thinking right come on u have the tools u know what ur facing and if u want this u need to get up again and fight,,
Had a good sleep just now need to start looking at the next part of my fight xxx
And last night I lay in bed thinking right come on u have the tools u know what ur facing and if u want this u need to get up again and fight,,
Had a good sleep just now need to start looking at the next part of my fight xxx