Family and Friends Forum

You dont have to provide support if you don't want to. We are a mixed bag of people here. Some have stayed, others left with no to little contact, some keep a distance. The forum is primarily for the family and friends impacted by offenders actions.

There are resources available if you find you want to learn more about the triggers and the reasons why these offences occur if you have that curiosity or need. But you don't have to read into it if you do not want. There are people here who are in the same situation as you trying to balance the parenting of children.

Your ex got himself in the mess he is in and he will have to work on bettering himself, this is with or without you. You do not owe him anything with regards to his rehabilitation, that is your choice and we will not judge.

Heya Concerned,

Your exes words anger me. You don't need to help him or see him through in anyway shape or form. If you want to that's your choice and if you don't, again that's your own choice. There's no right or wrong answers.

I'm still in two places, heart and head being ripped to pieces at the moment especially since sometimes it's business as usual at my house. Apart from him getting his therapy and mental health help. I'm just starting therapy now too to work though this.

A byproduct of situations like this are relatives and family feelings. The person who has committed the crime often receives the help they need, whether it be addiction help, mental health help or whatever. We're often left to find our own devices and coping mechanisms..

I hope that in the near future you can sort out maybe through relate or SS some kind of contact between him and his children, mainly so that you can get the help you so rightly deserve.

Goodluck

I haven't spoken to my now ex since the day after his arrest in September. When he looked me in the eyes and told me it was a big mix up and he loved me and not to hate him cause it would be cleared up. I don't know what's happening with his case or anything about what he's doing. That drives me insane sometimes. Initially I was consumed with wanting to know he was ok and worrying about his mental health however he didn't consider those things when he did what he did. Nor did he consider the welfare of me and the kids or his family. I do not recognise the man they tell me about and to me that's complete manipulation. He's a predator. My story may be slightly different though as images were traced from my IP address and he offered images of " his daughter" she is 7. I have no judgement towards the woman who stay at all, quite the opposite actually. I agree with finding the route cause and to look at reasons and addressing the behaviour to an extent however I've discovered from personal experience that these men can lie to our faces even when presented with evidence. His actions were his own, it is him who needs to address them. Having you for support will make him feel better yes. But it might not be good for you. There is support out there for him that doesn't have to come from you and his needs aren't paramount in this.



This post sounds incredibly bitter I realise but that's because actually I am incredibly bitter haha. Please do not doubt that you are not a good person because you don't feel like supporting somebody who has shattered your world.

9 weeks 3 days post knock for us, not that I'm counting ha. I feel the lies are the hardest, like it's easier to deal with and make educated decisions if honesty comes at the beginning. They've already been caught! When evidence came to light I just felt like a complete idiot after believing he'd been mixed up in something he hadn't intended or gone down a rabbit hole. I so wanted to believe him. I think having no contact helped me as I know in reality if I saw him I'd crumble which is madness.

It must be maddening to know that you were doing the course and everything you could to enable a positive coparenting experience and he was doing this. I hope things get clearer for you and you're released from the conflicted feeling.



Do whatever you need for you and the kids.

The arrest was really surreal, we were sat on the sofa about 5.30 and he said who is this looking in here so I said I dunno get rid of them because tea was ready! He went to the door and they asked for me. So I went he had gone back into the living room and they held me in the hallway. I hadn't realised that officers had followed him in too. They asked me if his name was.. which I confirmed it was they then told me his email address. They said he'd set it up specifically for this account on kik but the name he used on it is one he always used it's even sickeningly my daughters name on animal crossing that he set up for her! They told me that they'd had a tip of from the met it was traced to my IP address so handed over to our local force who had checked the details with kik and then come to my house. They only have this one conversation because his phones haven't been downloaded yet so I don't know if there's more however in it he says I'll have to be quick or * my name * will wake up. Then asked for cash to pull her covers down. The man masturbated over that video of her. She was just asleep. I don't think I'll recover from it. I dread what they'll find. They didn't ever suspect that I knew. In fact they said that usually in that case the kids would've been taken immediately but they'd all made a decision based upon my reaction and the kids that I hadn't known and they were safe. They were questioned at home the next day.



The police have said he may not get charged because the image he sent wasn't indecent. I can't get my head around that! I understand what you mean completely. I've always thought porn was evil, a portal and leads to unhealthy relationships etc but there was a decision made here and he did not consider us when he did it. They need to realise that it's not fantasy. These kids are still people.Somebody's child.

It is certainly an addiction and I fully believe that the route cause is the porn industry however with anything there is a conscious choice to start, for instance I've never done drugs despite it being the norm in my age group because I have children and also I know it's wrong. I have genuine concern for those who struggle with addiction of any kind. It destroys lives of those who suffer and those around them. I know that people desensitise so can end up looking at things that would normally repulse them.
I also know that this is just one element of somebody, so he was all of the things I thought he was but this as well, I believe he is deeply broken. But I just can't get past that it's those children in the photos and videos who are in innocents in this mess.



There's so much more to be done.

Apologies if my responses have sounded judgemental or lacking in compassion it hasn't been my intention. I understand every journey is different and I imagine our stories and experiences shape our opinion/ ability to forgive or show compassion. This is actually something I hate about this, there has never been anything in my life I've not been able to show love and forgiveness over and I've not been shy of trauma. I am so hurt and consumed by bitterness right now that it's oozing out of me.

I had no idea he was using porn regularly either, he used to get irritated if we didn't go to bed at the same time and stuff. We were extremely close. Both worked from time during lockdown and we had what I thought was a healthy life on an intimate level. Very recently before his arrest his did say a couple of things that concerned me but nothing that would indicate kids! Told me he'd live streamed with exes and had plenty more in his locker but that he loved me for the fact I was different. That was the first time anything like that came up at all. We'd been away together for the weekend just before and I found on his phone bill picture messages were sent to a number I later found via google were for an escort 7.30 whilst I slept! The betrayal is too much. I can't get past somebody being able to lie and manipulate on this level. To do this in the night then get up with me and the kids the next day. Did You ever watch the fall? We were watching it together and has convos about how somebody could do that then go back to their family and be a different person yet that was him.



Sorry if my responses are making you rage. I'm conscious of other peoples stories and feelings but I think this is something that we should be outraged about. The police are failing my daughter as far as I'm concerned. They won't tell me anything barring what I had to be told in order to identify her and then said because the image isn't indecent it's not an offence.The daft he did this then came and got into bed with me makes me feel physically sick. It all does.



He didn't admit to it, told me he loved me. Would never hurt her and how could I even think that but then later admitted to being on adult chat rooms for "like porn and that". Said he's never do it sober and if he has done it he can't remember. That's not accountability or remorse.

Hi lee

remind me, did you stay put in your house after the knock? I'm asking as I could do with some advice on this. I think we have talked on mumsnet? If so can you send me a message please x

Hi all

Having only recently received 'the knock' I'm beginning to understand how complicated our responses are. I am so confused by my feelings and think I've entered the numb phase. He is having first contact with the children tomorrow, and I know it's going to make me even more confused. Anything that feels 'normal' just seems to make it worse. I also don't know if I'm feeling love or pity. I know how insecure he's been his whole life but I cannot see how we could ever have a normal relationship. I'm not sure I could handle everything being permeated by such sadness and loss at what we had. I know it's early days for me so thank you all for sharing and helping me navigate my way through this awful mess.