Struggling to cope with weekends
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The knock was 17 weeks ago. I went back to work after 4 weeks although working from home due to covid. I'm mostly ok while I'm busy at work but weekends are so hard. I find myself sitting and crying because I'm so lonely and angry that I've been left in this position. I have so much to organise for baby, no motivation and because of lockdown no practical support from family. Needed to get it out really but if anyone could offer any tips they'd be appreciated xxx
Distressed and Pregnant,
I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Please focus on yourself and your baby first and foremost. You need to keep well for both of you. Have a look at my previous post. It may help. I know I needed help so badly, but couldn't really say what I needed, and when. It's all so overwhelming.
Have you anybody you can talk to? I have had many friends support me, and talking really helped me. I was lucky, in a very odd sort of way, that everyone knew due to vigilantes live-streaming, as I had a lot of support straight away. But I know that feeling of loneliness and sadness only too well. It is grieving, as we have suffered a major loss.
I know that there are others here who were pregnant when the knock happened and they may be able to offer you some practical advice.
You are not alone. We are here. It is a safe place for us all, whatever we decide to do going forward with the relationship. Take care xxx
I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Please focus on yourself and your baby first and foremost. You need to keep well for both of you. Have a look at my previous post. It may help. I know I needed help so badly, but couldn't really say what I needed, and when. It's all so overwhelming.
Have you anybody you can talk to? I have had many friends support me, and talking really helped me. I was lucky, in a very odd sort of way, that everyone knew due to vigilantes live-streaming, as I had a lot of support straight away. But I know that feeling of loneliness and sadness only too well. It is grieving, as we have suffered a major loss.
I know that there are others here who were pregnant when the knock happened and they may be able to offer you some practical advice.
You are not alone. We are here. It is a safe place for us all, whatever we decide to do going forward with the relationship. Take care xxx
Thank you for your reply. I have been through your post and I think I've managed to find the course online. I do have lots of friends and family that I can talk to on the phone. I just don't find it the same as having people to talk to face to face and everyone has their own opinions on it. There's this need to be strong and I feel like I'm failing if I break down when I talk to people. My older children are teenagers so when they aren't at school they're in their rooms. He was my company and we used to have such happy times together when we weren't working. I only have contact with him after scans to let him know how the baby is as he is in remand awaiting sentencing. I know that our relationship is over because I don't know how I could ever trust him, not only in the sense of faithfulness but I could never trust him not to destroy me again. I've had cbt and hypnotherapy. The cbt wasn't massively helpful and I've stopped having hypnotherapy for the moment because I felt we'd exhausted everything until I have the answers to my questions and know more about what I'm dealing with in terms of sentencing xxx
I'm the same as you in that the trust is gone, and the hurt is too much for me to think of a future together. The best we can hope for is to be friends. I am trying to support him from afar, as I do believe he was mentally ill. But the betrayal is too much. It wasn't just online stuff.
As he spiralled out of control, he also met up with real women. I don't feel I know him at all, but I do feel sorry for him. He has lost everything that defined him. He is still RUI, but very fearful of what the future may bring. It can't be easy for you with him on remand. We MUST NOT allow ourselves to feel their shame. They made their poor decisions.
I have learned that it is ok to be vulnerable and to show that vulnerability. Have a look at You Tube for Brene Brown, the power of vulnerability, that might help. I am far more sharing of my feelings than I was before this, we are only human! We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to keep it together. But would we put someone else under that same pressure if they were in our shoes?
It is even harder in lockdown. We can't get the face to face support, and again I understand how you feel. I am using the phone a lot and also trying to heal myself...meditation, mindfulness and even started doing some yoga. Trying to find small things to be grateful for.
Xx
As he spiralled out of control, he also met up with real women. I don't feel I know him at all, but I do feel sorry for him. He has lost everything that defined him. He is still RUI, but very fearful of what the future may bring. It can't be easy for you with him on remand. We MUST NOT allow ourselves to feel their shame. They made their poor decisions.
I have learned that it is ok to be vulnerable and to show that vulnerability. Have a look at You Tube for Brene Brown, the power of vulnerability, that might help. I am far more sharing of my feelings than I was before this, we are only human! We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to keep it together. But would we put someone else under that same pressure if they were in our shoes?
It is even harder in lockdown. We can't get the face to face support, and again I understand how you feel. I am using the phone a lot and also trying to heal myself...meditation, mindfulness and even started doing some yoga. Trying to find small things to be grateful for.
Xx
Distressed and pregnant.
I was 5 months pregnant when my ex was arrested. Shortly afterwards came the first lockdown and it all felt so surreal.
I know what you mean about the loneliness , my god that was( and still is) the hardest part for me to cope with on day to day basis .
I don’t work as my elder son has additional needs and is not yet at school full time. Whilst pregnant I made a list of to dos for each day. I was on autopilot I think; working diligently through my list of things to buy and sort out for baby, walking miles every day. I remember my midwife saying ‘try to enjoy what’s left of your pregnancy’ yeah right, I was beside myself with shock and grief. I thought I would miscarry I felt so bad, I barely ate or slept for weeks.
I had counselling through Stop so and would recommend that. It’s a grieving process isn’t it, some days I feel like I’m doing well, others I feel so incredibly sad and disgusted with my ex for what he did I can barely think of anything else.
Xx
I was 5 months pregnant when my ex was arrested. Shortly afterwards came the first lockdown and it all felt so surreal.
I know what you mean about the loneliness , my god that was( and still is) the hardest part for me to cope with on day to day basis .
I don’t work as my elder son has additional needs and is not yet at school full time. Whilst pregnant I made a list of to dos for each day. I was on autopilot I think; working diligently through my list of things to buy and sort out for baby, walking miles every day. I remember my midwife saying ‘try to enjoy what’s left of your pregnancy’ yeah right, I was beside myself with shock and grief. I thought I would miscarry I felt so bad, I barely ate or slept for weeks.
I had counselling through Stop so and would recommend that. It’s a grieving process isn’t it, some days I feel like I’m doing well, others I feel so incredibly sad and disgusted with my ex for what he did I can barely think of anything else.
Xx
Thank you both so much for your replies. I think I went into autopilot for the first few weeks and made a lot of decisions because I wanted ss out of my life. Thankfully they closed the case about six weeks ago so I know that when I have the baby every decision I make will be my own rather than a strangers decision for my baby and my life. I've got everything I need for baby but I find it so hard to spend any time in my bedroom to organise things and make space for the cot etc. I do feel like we're just left to get on with things. I've been pushed in all directions with trying to get someone to support an application for social housing and I'm still no further on with that as ss, family support and midwife have all said it's not them. We have so much to cope with in this situation without having to deal with all of the additional stresses caused by the actions of our partners or family members xxx
I find weekends incredibly hard too. No practical advise here just that you're not alone.
I totally understand the not wanting to be in the bedroom, I really struggled to even go upstairs in my house. I've moved now. Social care absolutely can support an application for rehousing as they did with me!
I was pregnant to my partner but lost my boy. Social services told me "it's probably a blessing" It's like he's robbed my right to grieve.
My heart aches reading these posts from you all how will we ever recover from the broken trust I wonder. How do you ever start to trust anybody's intentions again I don't know. What I do know though is that those of us who go through this are stronger than we ever knew and we will all survive this even on the days it doesn't feel like it. Lockdown doesn't help with the loneliness at all but you're not alone.
I totally understand the not wanting to be in the bedroom, I really struggled to even go upstairs in my house. I've moved now. Social care absolutely can support an application for rehousing as they did with me!
I was pregnant to my partner but lost my boy. Social services told me "it's probably a blessing" It's like he's robbed my right to grieve.
My heart aches reading these posts from you all how will we ever recover from the broken trust I wonder. How do you ever start to trust anybody's intentions again I don't know. What I do know though is that those of us who go through this are stronger than we ever knew and we will all survive this even on the days it doesn't feel like it. Lockdown doesn't help with the loneliness at all but you're not alone.
Hi Imploding,
I'm so sorry for your loss. Also angry on your behalf at the words of your sw, what a dreadful thing to say to someone. I know I've been very fortunate to have a lovely sw, the police have been the least helpful for me and apart from my ex have caused me the most stress and anguish. I would put in a complaint but I'm unsure if it would make any difference.
With regards to rehousing, I currently private rent so I'm not sure if that is working against me.
I hope that we all heal and in time learn to trust others again xxx
I'm so sorry for your loss. Also angry on your behalf at the words of your sw, what a dreadful thing to say to someone. I know I've been very fortunate to have a lovely sw, the police have been the least helpful for me and apart from my ex have caused me the most stress and anguish. I would put in a complaint but I'm unsure if it would make any difference.
With regards to rehousing, I currently private rent so I'm not sure if that is working against me.
I hope that we all heal and in time learn to trust others again xxx
We were private renting before too, social worker wrote a letter to social housing supporting my application based upon our need for remain safe. Me and the children moved two weeks ago.
Don't get me started on the police. The OIC said some very unhelpful comments when looking around my house. A lady officer eventually pulled me to the side and said this isn't your fault. I feel like they're so used to dealing with this that the "obvious" to them is stuff that wouldn't enter the wildest dreams of somebody normal! Made me feel completely stupid but in hindsight the manipulation had been significant. I had had no idea so I guess if not stupid I was insanely naive.
I really hope today is a better day for you x
Don't get me started on the police. The OIC said some very unhelpful comments when looking around my house. A lady officer eventually pulled me to the side and said this isn't your fault. I feel like they're so used to dealing with this that the "obvious" to them is stuff that wouldn't enter the wildest dreams of somebody normal! Made me feel completely stupid but in hindsight the manipulation had been significant. I had had no idea so I guess if not stupid I was insanely naive.
I really hope today is a better day for you x
Thank you, I'll get on to the sw again. We are not stupid or naive at all, I'm sure that nobody goes into a relationship trusting someone completely from day one. You build up that trust over time and like you say nobody ever thinks that this is something they will have to look out for in someone you trust completely.
I was thinking last night that it might hit home to people if the soaps covered a story like this. No build up or any signs for anyone to spot that anything is wrong, just the knock and the turmoil that follows. It may make journalists think before they publish stories that these people have families who have more than enough to deal with and are completely innocent in all of this xxx
I was thinking last night that it might hit home to people if the soaps covered a story like this. No build up or any signs for anyone to spot that anything is wrong, just the knock and the turmoil that follows. It may make journalists think before they publish stories that these people have families who have more than enough to deal with and are completely innocent in all of this xxx
Distressed and pregnant
Agree with you about trust. Looking back my ex worked hard to get me to trust him. It took a while. I remember him telling me how grateful he was that I thought enough of him and trusted him enough to let him meet my son ( makes me feel sick now) I waited about 8 months before intoducing them, I thought I was being overly cautious if anything.
My ex was really good looking and I sometimes worried that he would cheat on me, he didn’t show any signs but I discussed my worries with him. He assured me he’d never do anything to hurt me like that and that he loved me.
It’s the last thing you’d expect a man you trust, love and respect to be doing.
I know not all men are like this, but it’s going to take a lot for me to trust again.
Agree with you about trust. Looking back my ex worked hard to get me to trust him. It took a while. I remember him telling me how grateful he was that I thought enough of him and trusted him enough to let him meet my son ( makes me feel sick now) I waited about 8 months before intoducing them, I thought I was being overly cautious if anything.
My ex was really good looking and I sometimes worried that he would cheat on me, he didn’t show any signs but I discussed my worries with him. He assured me he’d never do anything to hurt me like that and that he loved me.
It’s the last thing you’d expect a man you trust, love and respect to be doing.
I know not all men are like this, but it’s going to take a lot for me to trust again.
My ex was super good looking too. I used to always wonder what he saw in me and I knew I wasn't his type. Yet he'd tell me he wanted something of substance and loved me more than anyone. I remember thinking but he's a good looking guy and so well known and liked by everyone. It's crazy the way your mind categorises what " these men / woman " are like.
I think there does need to be something done to battle preconceptions. They're not seedy men where everyone would expect that type of thing. The knock comes and then you find out about the secret life. That doesn't change the person they were the day before. I think coming to the realisation that nobody is fully good or fully bad has been an issue for me. That this is a hidden part of his personality yet he was still all of the other things i had loved. It's just this part of him and what he's done is something I can't forgive.
I think there does need to be something done to battle preconceptions. They're not seedy men where everyone would expect that type of thing. The knock comes and then you find out about the secret life. That doesn't change the person they were the day before. I think coming to the realisation that nobody is fully good or fully bad has been an issue for me. That this is a hidden part of his personality yet he was still all of the other things i had loved. It's just this part of him and what he's done is something I can't forgive.
Imploding- I feel the same. Everyone who knows what happened ( the people I told that needed to know) said the same ‘but, he’s a good looking man, why would he do something like that? Are you sure it’s not a mistake?’ there’s a stereotype of the sort of person that does this, and it’s not helpful.
My ex said that he’s still the same person that I loved, but the way I see it, the person I loved didn’t masturbate to child abuse. I didn’t know him like I thought I did. It’s difficult to stop loving someone though, especially when it’s all so sudden. I feel like I’m mourning a relationship that wasn’t even real. Xx
My ex said that he’s still the same person that I loved, but the way I see it, the person I loved didn’t masturbate to child abuse. I didn’t know him like I thought I did. It’s difficult to stop loving someone though, especially when it’s all so sudden. I feel like I’m mourning a relationship that wasn’t even real. Xx