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Hi all,
I just wanted to post some positive words, reading everyone's stories has brought me so much strength and I wanted to return this.
it was a year today that we received the knock for my dad, my loving, wonderful dad. The knock was in regards to online conversations with a police decoy. The heartbreak we all had as a family was dreadful. I was always the family member who was hardest on my dad, but I knew the second I heard what he was arrested for that there was more to the story. After hearing he had been put in prison as he was suicidal, I knew that my dad wasn't in the right place, that he needed help and my support more then ever.
after a few weeks of trying to get in contact with him, he wrote us all a letter and it was clear that he'd suffered a severe mental breakdown and wasn't well at all. He couldn't remember his crime, he couldn't remember what he had said in his interview or what his solicitor looked like, he was in a very bad way. So we applied for bail, and got him home for Christmas.
after weeks of him on bail, we were lucky and got a court date quite early on and also lucky that it was a suspended sentence. We weren't so lucky that it went in the paper twice, and all over social media. But we have stood our ground, not changed our names and not moved house, and a reflection on us as a family and my dad- we have been overwhelmed with support from family and friends! And after a year of working with dads anxiety, he now goes out by himself again in our home area.
a bit of advice for anyone going through this, look for the positives (sounds crazy I know), I look back and I think my dad was in such a low place that he told us he would look in the mirror each day and hate himself and not want to be here, if he hadn't of committed the offence and gone to prison and had the shock he did, he may well of committed suicide or committed an even worse offence and I wouldn't have forgiven myself for not noticing he was suffering. If we hadn't have seen how mentally poorly he really was, then my mum would have left him and I'd have been left to support him myself- but now we have stuck together as a family, giving my dad all the support he needs and the difference in us all in a year has been for the better!
and now a year later, my mum and dad are expecting there first grandchild! (I'm due in 2 weeks), and yes I'm having to go through SS, as I'm fighting for as much of a normal family life as we can get, I'm hoping for my final meeting with them on Friday (fingers crossed).
these type of crimes aren't always malicious, they are people crying out for help, not knowing that they have gone down a black hole, as reality and cyber/internet is hard to differentiate from. People will have there comments, but each individual knows deep down what the right thing to do is for themselves! I really hope there is change in the future at how this type of crime is managed and reported on, for the families sake! however for now staying there for people on this forum, and in everyone's family units is what will get everyone through this
not sure if this is helpful for anyone, but I'm inspired by my family and how we have coped and I'm hoping it can do the same for others xx
I just wanted to post some positive words, reading everyone's stories has brought me so much strength and I wanted to return this.
it was a year today that we received the knock for my dad, my loving, wonderful dad. The knock was in regards to online conversations with a police decoy. The heartbreak we all had as a family was dreadful. I was always the family member who was hardest on my dad, but I knew the second I heard what he was arrested for that there was more to the story. After hearing he had been put in prison as he was suicidal, I knew that my dad wasn't in the right place, that he needed help and my support more then ever.
after a few weeks of trying to get in contact with him, he wrote us all a letter and it was clear that he'd suffered a severe mental breakdown and wasn't well at all. He couldn't remember his crime, he couldn't remember what he had said in his interview or what his solicitor looked like, he was in a very bad way. So we applied for bail, and got him home for Christmas.
after weeks of him on bail, we were lucky and got a court date quite early on and also lucky that it was a suspended sentence. We weren't so lucky that it went in the paper twice, and all over social media. But we have stood our ground, not changed our names and not moved house, and a reflection on us as a family and my dad- we have been overwhelmed with support from family and friends! And after a year of working with dads anxiety, he now goes out by himself again in our home area.
a bit of advice for anyone going through this, look for the positives (sounds crazy I know), I look back and I think my dad was in such a low place that he told us he would look in the mirror each day and hate himself and not want to be here, if he hadn't of committed the offence and gone to prison and had the shock he did, he may well of committed suicide or committed an even worse offence and I wouldn't have forgiven myself for not noticing he was suffering. If we hadn't have seen how mentally poorly he really was, then my mum would have left him and I'd have been left to support him myself- but now we have stuck together as a family, giving my dad all the support he needs and the difference in us all in a year has been for the better!
and now a year later, my mum and dad are expecting there first grandchild! (I'm due in 2 weeks), and yes I'm having to go through SS, as I'm fighting for as much of a normal family life as we can get, I'm hoping for my final meeting with them on Friday (fingers crossed).
these type of crimes aren't always malicious, they are people crying out for help, not knowing that they have gone down a black hole, as reality and cyber/internet is hard to differentiate from. People will have there comments, but each individual knows deep down what the right thing to do is for themselves! I really hope there is change in the future at how this type of crime is managed and reported on, for the families sake! however for now staying there for people on this forum, and in everyone's family units is what will get everyone through this
not sure if this is helpful for anyone, but I'm inspired by my family and how we have coped and I'm hoping it can do the same for others xx
Lee I'm glad this has been positive for you! i came on this forum to read all the advice originally, but it has been such a strength seeing people still stand by family members! As sometimes you do feel alone, and your pressured by society. ofcourse I still understand why people leave, as sometimes the heartbreak is just to much, but you know as a family what is best for you!
I hope you continue moving forward and growing as a family, you truly deserve to, as anyone who can get through something like this deserves happiness and peace eventually!xx
I hope you continue moving forward and growing as a family, you truly deserve to, as anyone who can get through something like this deserves happiness and peace eventually!xx
I love this so much. I am also a daughter of an offender, it is so nice to hear a positive story, and congratulation - I am so happy for you!
Would you be able to tell me what actually happens when you get pregnant and how it is that social services get involved? (this is always a worry I have if I get pregnant, and if I will have to go through social services as well)
What people need to understand is it's an addictions and they aren't in a good head place whilst doing this nor are they thinking straight. They're good people who have done a bad thing, just like people with ANY kind of addiction. I am glad you've all stuck together. Like you my Dads case also got put into the papers and on social media etc, but none of us have changed our names and we also haven't moved. X
Would you be able to tell me what actually happens when you get pregnant and how it is that social services get involved? (this is always a worry I have if I get pregnant, and if I will have to go through social services as well)
What people need to understand is it's an addictions and they aren't in a good head place whilst doing this nor are they thinking straight. They're good people who have done a bad thing, just like people with ANY kind of addiction. I am glad you've all stuck together. Like you my Dads case also got put into the papers and on social media etc, but none of us have changed our names and we also haven't moved. X
Hi Mac
just like to say I liked your post, gives people some sort of hope for the future.
Your dads case sounds similar to my partners he was arrested and sentenced to prison this year for talking online to a police decoy. His case was posted in the local press too. I still talk to him I don’t think he is an evil person, he had a secret drink problem and says he can’t really remember what was said in the conversations, his mum was also suffering from dementia which I know effected him and he threatened suicide in police custody, he knows this isn't an excuse and he’s done wrong, but it’s my trust that’s also been broken so I’m not sure if we could ever rebuild that.
I’ve noticed on here there seems to be plenty of these sort of cases where police decoys or vigilantes pretend to be underage girls on adult websites or social media to trap men into conversations and meeting and a lot of the men seem to have mental health or other issues so not sure how these decoy cases help anyone.
Society seem to see these cases as black and white and those convicted are automatically associated with the P word, when there’s usually another side to the story.
I’m glad your family stuck together and showed people you are strong and your dad is moving on this will be an inspiration to others.
just like to say I liked your post, gives people some sort of hope for the future.
Your dads case sounds similar to my partners he was arrested and sentenced to prison this year for talking online to a police decoy. His case was posted in the local press too. I still talk to him I don’t think he is an evil person, he had a secret drink problem and says he can’t really remember what was said in the conversations, his mum was also suffering from dementia which I know effected him and he threatened suicide in police custody, he knows this isn't an excuse and he’s done wrong, but it’s my trust that’s also been broken so I’m not sure if we could ever rebuild that.
I’ve noticed on here there seems to be plenty of these sort of cases where police decoys or vigilantes pretend to be underage girls on adult websites or social media to trap men into conversations and meeting and a lot of the men seem to have mental health or other issues so not sure how these decoy cases help anyone.
Society seem to see these cases as black and white and those convicted are automatically associated with the P word, when there’s usually another side to the story.
I’m glad your family stuck together and showed people you are strong and your dad is moving on this will be an inspiration to others.
Hi evie,
social services seem to be lovely with us at the moment, I was registered at my mum and dads address when I found out I was pregnant but shortly moved back out with my partner after to try and make things less complicated!
It seems to be at the moment that he can have supervised contact, and a risk assessment can be done to stay the night. However I do worry I have pushed my luck (38 weeks pregnant and very hormonal doesnt mix well) and requested the risk assessment now (we want this for holidays and my mum will be my main childcare) I also didn't sign the agreement straight away as I had a lot of questions that couldn't get answered? So im not sure how that will have gone against me, but the social worker knew she couldn't answer them. I'm hoping Friday comes and I can get my questions answered and explain I have a better understanding!
I understand we won't get it back positive this time, but I'm really hoping that in the future we can go on holidays and I can give my little girl the same upbringing I had!
I would suggest if the day ever did come that you were pregnant, telling both your midwife and social services, as I told just my midwife and the referral took a while because of covid, hence why I'm still going through it whilst I'm ready to pop! it should just make that transition a bit smoother for you. I'd also make sure your dad tells everyone, as we thought that because social services were involved we were ok, however it turns out that he had to mention it himself as well.
I hope this all helps!x
social services seem to be lovely with us at the moment, I was registered at my mum and dads address when I found out I was pregnant but shortly moved back out with my partner after to try and make things less complicated!
It seems to be at the moment that he can have supervised contact, and a risk assessment can be done to stay the night. However I do worry I have pushed my luck (38 weeks pregnant and very hormonal doesnt mix well) and requested the risk assessment now (we want this for holidays and my mum will be my main childcare) I also didn't sign the agreement straight away as I had a lot of questions that couldn't get answered? So im not sure how that will have gone against me, but the social worker knew she couldn't answer them. I'm hoping Friday comes and I can get my questions answered and explain I have a better understanding!
I understand we won't get it back positive this time, but I'm really hoping that in the future we can go on holidays and I can give my little girl the same upbringing I had!
I would suggest if the day ever did come that you were pregnant, telling both your midwife and social services, as I told just my midwife and the referral took a while because of covid, hence why I'm still going through it whilst I'm ready to pop! it should just make that transition a bit smoother for you. I'd also make sure your dad tells everyone, as we thought that because social services were involved we were ok, however it turns out that he had to mention it himself as well.
I hope this all helps!x