Family and Friends Forum

What have people learnt about the secrecy

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

373 posts

Posted Thu January 10, 2019 8:51pmReport post

I spoke to my rx tonight about pratical things such as him needing to face telling his work he was arrested. He has been off sick since Christmas and not been honest with them. I also needed to see when I could get my house back as he has been staying there while I have been at my mums. Hope to be back home in a few weeks.

he is still minamising what will be found in his computer. Though it strikes me as odd why they would arrest someone with only a few images. The lady at the stop it now helpline agreed that police are unlikely to be in contact with someone who has just viewed imaged once or twice.

so I know he is lying and probably feels a lot of shame. Suppose I am just questioning those who stayed with their partners doc you ever have good honest conversation with them about what they had done and their reasons.



my mind is going crazy. I am thinking about our whole relationship and feeling sad for what I have lost but then questioning the man I was married too. Suppose this is to be unpicked in therapy.

i just would love him to be honest with me and himself.

havd said before I don’t hate him. Just confused.

Big sigh

Member since
December 2018

146 posts

Posted Thu January 10, 2019 9:28pmReport post

I am still with my partner - knock happened 4/5 weeks ago. He has told me stuff and I am currently up taking his word for it. I didn’t like some of the things he told me but the nature of what he told me didn’t “disgust” me. Mine was arrested for one image - he has been upfront so far in what they might find and with mine it sounds like a fine line between illegal and not illegal.

i am taking it one day at a time. If new stuff is found then I will reappraise.

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

373 posts

Posted Thu January 10, 2019 9:41pmReport post

Big sigh.

the things I was told didn’t disgust me either but I know my partner is not being honest. This has broke him.

I am pretty sure my ex partner had something in his past he isn’t willing to confront. I didn’t expect the knock it came out of the blue. But I always knew he was emotionally secretive.

your partner is lucky your standing by him. That may give him some initial strength.

i feel so lost. How could the person I thought I knew and loved do this! It’s going around my mind like crazy.

stay strong big sigh. I hope it works out for us all and we all find some peace in the madness .

Maria

Member since
September 2018

238 posts

Posted Thu January 10, 2019 10:00pmReport post

I am still with my partner, he has been arrested for sexual comminication with a minor. We have soent many hours talking about what he did, how it happened, why and anything else he may have been upto online that i would not like. He is very remorseful, upset with himself, angry with himself and working with a therapy group and sex addicts anonymous and other professionals to ensure this never happens again and he sorts his sexual addictions. We have cried together fir hours, and gine over and over everything. While i support him it is not unconditionally, if there are any lies or anything worse then that will be different. He does appear to be telling the truth from what i know. Theres a long way to go and a lot more talking to do. It helps to talk everything through with other people to, to make sure i am not blinded by my closeness to him. He has been risk assessed by social services also. Its far from easy listening knowing everything (apart from this its all adult porn stuff) but i cant move on without it.

Jaded

Member since
December 2018

196 posts

Posted Thu January 10, 2019 10:06pmReport post

My house was raided because ‘someone’ distributed one file, once. Police confirmed that. They then hoped/assumed they’d find much more when the devices were examined, they didn’t.

Each case is different. Prepare for the worst but don’t just dismiss what he’s saying. He may or may not be telling the truth. Wait and see.

Snuggle

Member since
October 2018

19 posts

Posted Thu January 10, 2019 10:10pmReport post

Hi Bethlou

Until your ex is honest with himself and faces up to what he has done neither of you will be able to move on.

We are 2yrs on Saturday post knock, my husband served 15 months in prison and is on licence for 15 months, SHPO of 10yrs and register for life.

When he was released on bail the day after arrest, when I did see him at another address as he can't live with us, I was angry upset etc. But the one thing that changed was him, he was honest with me, answered all my questions and was disgusted with himself and is still apologising to me now.

I must admit, things are better between us even though we still have a long way to go.

People can change if they want to, so unfortunately if your husband doesn't want to change he is not going to be honest with himself let alone anyone else.

This is just my opinion and my experience.

I hope for you that he sees sense. Sending a big hug.

Snuggles

Lottie

Member since
November 2018

19 posts

Posted Thu January 10, 2019 11:02pmReport post

I'm still with my husband and he came out of prison in Oct after 20 months.

At first he told me that it was 3 videos of teenagers dancing, a few images and chatting as a 14 yr old online. I know he said this because he was scared of me leaving him which is no excuse. The more we talked he said he didn't know how many images and told me things he had said in chats online. When it was in the paper it was pretty much what he had told me. I've been told that they count every image from every device so if back ups are done then there will be duplicate images but they are still added to the total count. Hubby backed up his phone to mine and his laptop.

He needs to be honest with you to move on. I think it must be hard to say everything they've done face to face so maybe to start ask him to write it down and make it clear (if that's what you choose) that this is his chance to tell you everything and if you find out it's worse later on that you will not stay with him. I still can't forgive but I know my husband is a good person who went down a slippery slope.

Madeleine

Member since
November 2018

37 posts

Posted Fri January 11, 2019 6:33amReport post

I agree that there has to be genuine remorse, for there to be any real chance of change, and the relationship surviving. Like Maria, my partner and I have spent many hours and cried many tears in open, honest discussion where I can ask any question and know I'm getting the real answer, however uncomfortable. I can't cope with anything else hidden. My partner has apologised many times and I see that he is actively seeking out the help he needs. He genuinely wants to change, and I'm inspired by hearing from others that this is possible. It doesn't stop me having angry, low days but I do see the person I knew who went down the wrong road, trying to put things right and face up to his mistakes. Time will tell whether we are able to rebuild properly and a long road lies ahead, but we're trying. Many obstacles including family, and waiting to hear the outcome, are still in the way.

Lottie, I'm inspired with your honesty in saying that you can't forgive your husband but you're still with him. Would you say that after all you've been through, it has been worth the struggle to stay together? For me it is helpful to read of people that have managed to come through this hell and still hold onto their relationship, when there has been real remorse and a desire to rebuild all that was good and worth keeping. I suspect it's a lonely road, and speaking personally, there will be little support or understanding from others around me. It's good to have this forum.

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

373 posts

Posted Fri January 11, 2019 2:59pmReport post

Everyone has been so honest, it truly means a lot. I like hearing the positive things that may come out of partners can be honest. It must have been hard for them to open up to you and themselves.

I have had to leave my ex but I truely hope he can learn to be honest so we wmcan hAve a friendlier relationship for the sake of my daughter.

googling things is not helping, people are right I am expecting the worse it’s a sickening situation and offence no wonder it takes a lot of courage to open up.

i really hope my husband can be honest with himself. I haven’t processed anything properly and focusing on me, but he was my best friend I find it so difficult that I was vulnerable in front of him and he was holding on to secret demons, maybe he was depressed maybe it’s eorse than that and he really wanted to abused a child. I hope not. He needs therapy himself.

i have booked to see a counsellor for me I can’t force him to do that. He has to do this himself.

you all give me hope.

whats blooming hard is that I still cate. I just can’t turn off my feelings for him but until he can be honest with himself there is no hope. And honestly given my job I can’t see us getting back together although I know that’s what he wants .

I would love him to get to a stage where he can show some remorse and recognise he needs help.

Its encouraging some of you have experienced men brave enough to do this.



love to all xxx

CrazyMayBaby

Member since
October 2018

15 posts

Posted Thu January 24, 2019 7:47pmReport post

Hi.

First off it's great that you are seeking therapy. It will help you a lot.

I am still with my husband - 15 months on bail (6 court appearences because the CPS can't properly prepare a case!), 15 months to serve and then another 15 on probation. It caused me to question my relationship but, even though someone else could offer me normality, I don't want life without him.

The big thing for me was that he was honest from the beginning (his first offence) and admitted his bad decisions. He's talked about childhood experiences (I call them childhood damage) and addiction to porn - the effect of which is never to be underestimated as a contributing factor.

I'm pretty hard on him because it was his decision to not ask for help and continue on a path that he knew was wrong. Without the addiction though he became a better person, from being more honest to laughing more and everything in between. This gives me hope our relationship will survive but I truly believe honesty is the key. The LFF course for offenders is an option - it was transformative in our case.

M-B

Andrea

Member since
September 2018

165 posts

Posted Fri January 25, 2019 6:07amReport post

I think you are absolutely right. Honesty is key. That is where our relationship really broke down. If my husband hadn’t continued to lie even after his arrest and been prepared to take responsibility for his actions we may still be together. Once I found out that he wasn’t being honest with me there is no way I could ever have him back. We have been together over 30 years and it has been one lie after another through that time over various things and I cannot bear anymore. I am still heartbroken and devastated at now being alone but getting back together with him wouldn’t solve anything.

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

373 posts

Posted Mon January 28, 2019 1:31pmReport post

Andrea,

just seen even your post. This has been very brave of you how are things going?

Did your ex accept the end of the relationship. I am gutted that this offence happened to us all. I don’t want you to feel alone in your journey .

My ex is not really accepting that we have broken up but I have had to do it because of the lies and I don’t want to parent him.

I am really just getting by day by day. Learning to put myself first but no it will be lonely. Saying that I am a little excited about the prospect of putting my own stamp on my house and have all these idea on decorating it !

so know your not alone through this.

Bethlou23

Member since
December 2018

373 posts

Posted Mon January 28, 2019 1:33pmReport post

Know not no! It will be lonely

I have just got to like my own company :)

Andrea

Member since
September 2018

165 posts

Posted Mon January 28, 2019 5:19pmReport post

I am not sure if he really has accepted it is over. We are only in contact online and occasionally he asks if we will get back together. He has the attitude that he is the victim and that I was heartless asking him to leave. I asked him to leave initially for a couple of weeks to give me time to think and then let him return for a while but as I said when I discovered he wasn’t being honest and wasn’t accepting responsibility for what he had done I asked him to move out. He lost his job after sentencing and has had to move away to find work and yet he still blames me. I have not started divorce proceedings and we haven’t sorted out separating our property or anything so feeling a bit insecure about how things will work out.

Thank you for your support. It is very lonely although looking back I can now see how lonely I was in our marriage. At least we have each other here - many of the posts I read I feel could have come from me. Your comment about parenting your partner Bethlou particularly struck a chord with me. In hindsight I see that is what I have been doing for years and I don’t feel it would do either of us any good for me to have to carry on doing that. Stay strong and look for joy in your new life. Xx

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