Moving in the right direction
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Hi everyone it's been a while since I've posted ,and I'm really posting this because as a mother of a child who'd just turned 16 when we got the knock,I found it very difficult to find others in my situation,and as porn is so readily available to youngsters now I hope that in the future others may benefit from my story .
My whole world fell apart when we got the knock as I thought I knew my son so well !!
Over the last 6 months we have been through so much and so many emotions ,as well as sometimes painful counciling ,but with the counciling the expectation was that my son would learn to become age appropriate.
Can I point out something my son said to me that may help other mothers like me to understand a little .He said that most porn is older people like me ,and he was only 11 when he started looking at underage images ,and because he was so young he didn't understand the abuse behind these images ,at that stage .We have never used his explanations as excuses but a young person's understanding isn't one of an adult ,and at times I've clung to that x
Anyway the reason I'm writing this is to tell you that my son has indeed moved on to a proper 'real' relationship,and honestly feels that part of his life was just a phrase filling a void ,like addictions are.He is very open and honest with me and we have discussed the possibility of this addiction resurfacing when times are tough and how to deal with it .
We are still awaiting a decision from CPS after his second interview ,but we have been led to believe things will be less severe than we were previously told at the first interview,and he will have a chance to recover from this without it effecting his adult life .
My son seems happier than I've ever seen him and takes responsibility for his actions,we don't talk about it constantly but we don't brush it under the carpet either.
I will let you know the final outcome of his case ,but I just want to reassure mothers like me ,that your children are still growing and changing .After the knock I honestly felt like both mine and my son's life were finished and we could never move forward.
It has been painful and difficult and we still have a long way to go,but things are moving in the right direction.x
My whole world fell apart when we got the knock as I thought I knew my son so well !!
Over the last 6 months we have been through so much and so many emotions ,as well as sometimes painful counciling ,but with the counciling the expectation was that my son would learn to become age appropriate.
Can I point out something my son said to me that may help other mothers like me to understand a little .He said that most porn is older people like me ,and he was only 11 when he started looking at underage images ,and because he was so young he didn't understand the abuse behind these images ,at that stage .We have never used his explanations as excuses but a young person's understanding isn't one of an adult ,and at times I've clung to that x
Anyway the reason I'm writing this is to tell you that my son has indeed moved on to a proper 'real' relationship,and honestly feels that part of his life was just a phrase filling a void ,like addictions are.He is very open and honest with me and we have discussed the possibility of this addiction resurfacing when times are tough and how to deal with it .
We are still awaiting a decision from CPS after his second interview ,but we have been led to believe things will be less severe than we were previously told at the first interview,and he will have a chance to recover from this without it effecting his adult life .
My son seems happier than I've ever seen him and takes responsibility for his actions,we don't talk about it constantly but we don't brush it under the carpet either.
I will let you know the final outcome of his case ,but I just want to reassure mothers like me ,that your children are still growing and changing .After the knock I honestly felt like both mine and my son's life were finished and we could never move forward.
It has been painful and difficult and we still have a long way to go,but things are moving in the right direction.x
So glad you and your son have found a positive way to move forward. You are correct about the impact internet activity has on young people. I have 10 grandchildren, and the eldest (16) along with 12 and 10 year olds live their lives around their ipads, internet, playing games with their friends etc. I despair that there seems no incentive on the powers that be to impose a) restrictions on the ease of access to so many of these dark web sites b)prosecutions for same companies. My partner and I have discussed this, and feel that at the end of the day, it all comes down to money and profit making. Not sure how it works but know that it is there. The parents of the children have tried to install controls on the devices, but my son actually just typed into his search engine whilst having these controls in place, and various sites just appeared so even these precautions are not guaranteed. My partner is awaiting investigations into his devices and feels strongly that instead of dealing with these issues after the event, surely it would be better to stop them before they get to the police etc.
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It is shocking that (I believe) the average age for boys to first view porn is 12 (this was a fact given on a sex ed show on channel 4 years ago). And I do believe more needs to be taught (age appropriate tho) to make sure people know what is wrong, why it is and the risk that some develop an addiction/unhealthy relationship with porn etc. It is great that you two are thinking about prevention of triggers. I wish you and your son the best.
I agree lee1969,people forget that this addiction is one of the few highly illegal addictions ,and even though the addict may feel it's "their problem" it has more impact on those around them than any other addiction,not only destroying their own loved ones but fueling a continual trade in underage pornography and destroying innocent lives of people who are unlikely to have fulfilling lives through no fault of their own which breaks our hearts .I fully believe that in order to prevent this cycle or stop it being repeated the offender's loose their right to complete trust with us because it has been severely abused .Even if they don't know about it we have a duty as humans to try and prevent it from happening again and should always be vigilant to protect everyone including those we love x
Would like to add to my earlier post. At the root of all these awful images are young innocent children who are being abused and the images put online for anybody to see for the foreseeable future. If the images were no longer easily accessible, perhaps it would help to curtail these crimes down to supply and demand? I know this abuse has been happening for years but surely anything which helps has to be good.
Just reading your posts and I have to question here, if the police can act as decoys and intervene with the offender, surely something can be done to trace the original source of where the iioc come from in the first place and completely remove the websites they are on?
I also think people don't realise the severity of pornography. Until I found out my ex was in trouble, I didn't know anything about this crime, how images can be exchanged, sometimes concilled in files, could randomly be attached to files and by opening it one can be in serious trouble for it. I get that one must look for the images but iv read so many times those who have come across the images and maybe not intentionally. Then find themelve tangled.
If more awareness was raised showing the inpact of the victims, the family home being raided, the dangers of watching porn I think this would rapidly reduce the number of people found guilty of this horrendous crime. I read its around 700 people per month under investigation and this number has rapidly grown in lockdown due to people being at home online. How scary is that. Its not just the offender who suffers here. Families are destroyed, people's mental health is shook and the police are not always supportive of the wive/gf/partner. I was just seemed as collateral damage. And not last of all but most importantly, every image is an abused child. A life that is important. If prevention of the image can be done by removing the websites, then the demand won't no longer be there and this could potentially stop more lives being shattered by the knock at the door noone would ever want.
I also think people don't realise the severity of pornography. Until I found out my ex was in trouble, I didn't know anything about this crime, how images can be exchanged, sometimes concilled in files, could randomly be attached to files and by opening it one can be in serious trouble for it. I get that one must look for the images but iv read so many times those who have come across the images and maybe not intentionally. Then find themelve tangled.
If more awareness was raised showing the inpact of the victims, the family home being raided, the dangers of watching porn I think this would rapidly reduce the number of people found guilty of this horrendous crime. I read its around 700 people per month under investigation and this number has rapidly grown in lockdown due to people being at home online. How scary is that. Its not just the offender who suffers here. Families are destroyed, people's mental health is shook and the police are not always supportive of the wive/gf/partner. I was just seemed as collateral damage. And not last of all but most importantly, every image is an abused child. A life that is important. If prevention of the image can be done by removing the websites, then the demand won't no longer be there and this could potentially stop more lives being shattered by the knock at the door noone would ever want.
Just want to add that this vile stuff isn't just on the dark web. It's on Facebook, Twitter, tic tok, Instagram, in fact all social media sites!!! Everyone is just one or two clicks away from it. And because today's 'norm' is making friends on the internet, and trusting that they are who they say they are, it's truly dangerous.
I honestly believe my husband in what he says in that he was groomed. He met a woman on line, talking science, the talk then went on to what for him was exciting chat. She told him about her sex life, was into everything, she flattered him, he got hooked onto the chat. She was always what he wanted her to be, unlike me, who was a physical presence with all the emotions of a real woman. She played him well. I doubt the police follow that path on his devices. She may well have been a teenage boy!!!!!!
It upsets me so much that not much appears to being done to ensure that all social media is safe. It is, as you say, all about making money. But at what cost? How many more people are going to be destroyed? How much is society prepares to sacrifice?
I honestly believe my husband in what he says in that he was groomed. He met a woman on line, talking science, the talk then went on to what for him was exciting chat. She told him about her sex life, was into everything, she flattered him, he got hooked onto the chat. She was always what he wanted her to be, unlike me, who was a physical presence with all the emotions of a real woman. She played him well. I doubt the police follow that path on his devices. She may well have been a teenage boy!!!!!!
It upsets me so much that not much appears to being done to ensure that all social media is safe. It is, as you say, all about making money. But at what cost? How many more people are going to be destroyed? How much is society prepares to sacrifice?