Broken and a mere shadow of myself
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The knock came 4 weeks ago tomorrow! To say it was tough and the last 4 weeks haven't been done of the worst of my life would be understated! I have spent 4 weeks trying to contain my emotion because apparently that's the done thing! So where do I begin my husband has been talking to a vigilante groups decoy staging themselves as 14 he sent images of himself and EVEN ME AND I DID NOT KNOW AND BY THAT I AM DISGUSTED!! I am as survivor of child sexual abuse I couldn't believe this was happening! So let me take you back to the day in question! There were people watching the house they were not particularly discreet I kept telling my husband and he decided to confront him! Then came the sting I didn't see it but then some hours later I had 8 vigilantes on my doorstep while I had two special needs children and another on the house listening to confront me and tell me what my husband had done! My world shattered I broke and I couldn't breathe! Shortly after CID came and I compiled his tech there and then handed it over whilst they came in and took my kids that they were on and my phone I can't blame them they were doing a job! Since my eldest with asd and ahdh aswell as my adhd son have regressed into behaviour I haven't seen in years! It's tough! My husband call when he sees fit my family are 6 hours away so have no support and my husband got a new phone number which I don't have in case something happens to the children but I find myself somehow not bothering! I am still numb and trying to handle this! We brought our house in august and he does this! I don't know what to do where to turn! His family are blamin me for his arrest and sting and he is blaming me and work and mental health issues for his behaviour no excuse in my mind! So I have been cut off and told to keep my mouth shut all the while I am being branded a child fiddler and having to stem and whether people distancing! Please tell me that it gets better! I have now been told I have to give a statement a verify a picture he had sent that involved me devastated doesn't even come close! I am cut off and alone my kids are hurting acting out which is expected because those vigilantes say they protecting kids yeah from sexual predators sure not from the emotion turmoil torment and abuse they created!
Hello Lanny,
Thank you for reaching out for support on the forum during this difficult time, I know this can be hard to do. I am sorry that you have not yet received a reply to your post. I hope that you receive a reply and some peer support soon. In the mean time you are welcome to call our confidential and anonymous Stop It Now! helpline on 0808 1000 900 for some support and advice from one of our trained operators.
Take care,
Lucy
Thank you for reaching out for support on the forum during this difficult time, I know this can be hard to do. I am sorry that you have not yet received a reply to your post. I hope that you receive a reply and some peer support soon. In the mean time you are welcome to call our confidential and anonymous Stop It Now! helpline on 0808 1000 900 for some support and advice from one of our trained operators.
Take care,
Lucy
First of all, LUCY, please could you make new forum posts more visible. 1st posts now don't hit the top of the very long list of posts as they are checked by you prior to appearing. This means that people may feel ignored by the forum at a time when they need the support. It takes great courage to first post, it is a very scary step.
Also, LUCY, please help us. It so so dreadful that we have to support each other, as that's pretty much all the help we get, other than the helpline, ( which is often very hard to get through to) at a time when we may be feeling low, and not wanting to be triggered by memories of our own experiences. Something has got to change. I am in tears here for this lady and her children. Why are vigilantes allowed to destroy so many lives? Without any recourse. I despair.
Also, LUCY, please help us. It so so dreadful that we have to support each other, as that's pretty much all the help we get, other than the helpline, ( which is often very hard to get through to) at a time when we may be feeling low, and not wanting to be triggered by memories of our own experiences. Something has got to change. I am in tears here for this lady and her children. Why are vigilantes allowed to destroy so many lives? Without any recourse. I despair.
Now, Lanny, I so sorry for what you are going through. My husband was stung by vigilantes and live streamed . I have no children, so remembering the shock and trauma I went through, I can only imagine how dreadful that was for you.
First of all, none of this is your fault, none of it, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It does get easier to live with, but for me, the pain is still there and can bubble up and hit me all over again and I am 17 months in. It is a long journey. I'm sad to say that I have no faith now in the justice system, to continue to allow these thugs, so called 'hunters' to run these sick stings which destroy families and lives is beyond me. Sadly this crime or any link to sexual crime is seen as black and white by society, and we are seen as collateral damage. Have a read through posts on here for people's stories. The one thing we all have in common is that we are strong women. This journey does that, it makes us stronger and braver, as we are forced to deal with situations not of our choosing.
I would suggest looking for any help you can. There are great suggestions on the forum. There are other mothers who have been through the same as you, and they will help. It is an amazing group of women and men! Keep coming on here for help and support. Now you've been accepted by LUCY, your posts will appear in proper time order. Take good care and try to rest, eat, and take pleasure in small things xx
First of all, none of this is your fault, none of it, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It does get easier to live with, but for me, the pain is still there and can bubble up and hit me all over again and I am 17 months in. It is a long journey. I'm sad to say that I have no faith now in the justice system, to continue to allow these thugs, so called 'hunters' to run these sick stings which destroy families and lives is beyond me. Sadly this crime or any link to sexual crime is seen as black and white by society, and we are seen as collateral damage. Have a read through posts on here for people's stories. The one thing we all have in common is that we are strong women. This journey does that, it makes us stronger and braver, as we are forced to deal with situations not of our choosing.
I would suggest looking for any help you can. There are great suggestions on the forum. There are other mothers who have been through the same as you, and they will help. It is an amazing group of women and men! Keep coming on here for help and support. Now you've been accepted by LUCY, your posts will appear in proper time order. Take good care and try to rest, eat, and take pleasure in small things xx
Lanny your story Absolutly broke my heart, just know that none of this is your fault, the fact that any blame at all is being placed on you is ludicrous! Do no feel alone, reach out to trustworthy people and organisations, talk about it as much as you need to, this helped me! I'm almost certain my friends thought I was a stuck record but they understood and now I am more at peace with what happened with my dad as I was able to piece it altogether.
focus on you and your children, your the most important in all of this, I promise you will come out of the other side stronger then ever as I know we all did as a family!xx
focus on you and your children, your the most important in all of this, I promise you will come out of the other side stronger then ever as I know we all did as a family!xx
I'd agree about new posts. I posted twice and neither was approved and in the end I deleted them until I posted a 3rd time and then it was eventually approved but i remember the checking constantly to see if anyone had replied and it was horrible.
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. Please don't believe these comments that it is your fault in anyway, it really isn't. You cannot control the actions of others. Your husband did this, to everyone, not you. You are unfortunately being dragged along on a ride none of us wish to take but everyone here is there for you. It must be so hard especially with your children but you are doing a great job, don't you doubt it. You are everything those children need and more.
Is there anyone who you can talk to that is a close friend? X
I'm so sorry that you find yourself here. Please don't believe these comments that it is your fault in anyway, it really isn't. You cannot control the actions of others. Your husband did this, to everyone, not you. You are unfortunately being dragged along on a ride none of us wish to take but everyone here is there for you. It must be so hard especially with your children but you are doing a great job, don't you doubt it. You are everything those children need and more.
Is there anyone who you can talk to that is a close friend? X
Thank you all for your words of support and wisdom! I have only just come back to my technology! I decided to come of the rollercoaster and grid for a while which really helped! I have better days but the lead up Christmas especially was difficult as I am sure it was for us all! My husband is putting on pressure for me to give him an answer to my next move DIVORCE OR RECONCILE! I just can't answer that right now my focus must be my children! I find myself being the better person and orchestrating things with my husband to support kids and hesitating in my emotions the harder thing is my husband is military and I am supposed to be support by a military organisation and that's non existant what a surprise! But what I do know is these messages touched my heart and for the first time in a few weeks offered me clarity Thank you ????
Lanny,
I am not at all surprised by your lack of support from the military. They protect their own. My daughter was sexually assaulted by her grandfather and as part of the police investigation they got character references for him. He was military, fairly high rank by time he retired. Glowing references of course. Turns out he is a serial predator who started by abusing his own sister at 15 and kept going throughout life unchallenged. Cps refuse to charge him. Social services know what he is and his last girlfriend had a disabled non verbal child and they didnt feel she was at risk.
Lucy faithful should be able to put you in touch with the right people. I imagine you have some difficult choices ahead. As if hubby is military then if you leave him you will need to find a new home etc. Its just overwhelming all you have to deal with. Do you have family who could come stay with you and give you some support?
If you already work with childrens services for your boys they should be able to put things in place too.
I hope that you find your way. Thinking of you.
Little steps a day at a time xxx
I am not at all surprised by your lack of support from the military. They protect their own. My daughter was sexually assaulted by her grandfather and as part of the police investigation they got character references for him. He was military, fairly high rank by time he retired. Glowing references of course. Turns out he is a serial predator who started by abusing his own sister at 15 and kept going throughout life unchallenged. Cps refuse to charge him. Social services know what he is and his last girlfriend had a disabled non verbal child and they didnt feel she was at risk.
Lucy faithful should be able to put you in touch with the right people. I imagine you have some difficult choices ahead. As if hubby is military then if you leave him you will need to find a new home etc. Its just overwhelming all you have to deal with. Do you have family who could come stay with you and give you some support?
If you already work with childrens services for your boys they should be able to put things in place too.
I hope that you find your way. Thinking of you.
Little steps a day at a time xxx
Good evening all,
I just wanted to update you all! So that post was a very emotional post and my husband is finely getting some kind of support although he lashes out at me emotionally quite a bit!! That post was spurred on from something that was said by my father in law I am sure it was without thinking about the ramifications and emotional distress it would cause myself! He asked me after I had said this is not my fault I didn't know who the vigilantes were to which he replied "then how did they get your address and find out where you live?" (To him it may have been just a question but to me it was a difference between right and wrong I have come from abuse survived it why would I put my kids in the position of emotional trauma of seeing this happen to their dad) This question made me feel awful and still does I am sure he may not have intended emotional harm but it did! I know he as my husband's parent will be hurting too! But I do have feelings I need an outlet that is neutral and doesn't judge! I found that here! I felt more recently I have to filter how I feel to suit other people and so as not to hurt them but again I hurt too I am only human and I can't just hide or block this situation out there is no hiding from it! I am sorry for all of us and everyone else going through this even my in laws nobody deserves it and if I have learnt anything it's that maybe a little more empathy is needed in the world I thank you all for yours! ????
I just wanted to update you all! So that post was a very emotional post and my husband is finely getting some kind of support although he lashes out at me emotionally quite a bit!! That post was spurred on from something that was said by my father in law I am sure it was without thinking about the ramifications and emotional distress it would cause myself! He asked me after I had said this is not my fault I didn't know who the vigilantes were to which he replied "then how did they get your address and find out where you live?" (To him it may have been just a question but to me it was a difference between right and wrong I have come from abuse survived it why would I put my kids in the position of emotional trauma of seeing this happen to their dad) This question made me feel awful and still does I am sure he may not have intended emotional harm but it did! I know he as my husband's parent will be hurting too! But I do have feelings I need an outlet that is neutral and doesn't judge! I found that here! I felt more recently I have to filter how I feel to suit other people and so as not to hurt them but again I hurt too I am only human and I can't just hide or block this situation out there is no hiding from it! I am sorry for all of us and everyone else going through this even my in laws nobody deserves it and if I have learnt anything it's that maybe a little more empathy is needed in the world I thank you all for yours! ????