Hello - how to move forward
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Hello I’m new here I’ve been avidly scouring the forum every day since I found it. It’s helped me process a lot so I wanted to thank you all. It’s been a lifeline to me. So many familiar themes and emotions.
I got the traumatic knock the first week in September and have been suffering with this horrendous secret ever since.
My husband had iioc images deleted on his phone. He maintained and still does that while looking at legal porn he was sent what he thought was a link to another website. He had just finished night shift,clicked it and as the link didn’t go anywhere he left it. It was a torrent file that downloaded many images onto his phone while he slept. When he found the images later that day , and having opened a couple he freaked out and deleted them all - stupidly thinking that would be the end of it.
After the police came four months later he openly went and spoke to them. There were a high volume of images across all categories, even the fact that they were unopened and deleted will not help him. They have told him that he will be charged for this. The images were made (downloaded) intentional or not cannot be proved or disproved.
I have a son so social services were keen to have husband removed from the home. I also needed him to leave I was working from home and I needed to concentrate as much as possible.
And so here we are (3+ months later) we wait ! Husband is in a deep depression and living away from us on his own, he only communicates with me and has cut everyone else off. He is ashamed with this association and has hit rock bottom. We have shed many tears in car rides on our own. We were really happy (so I thought) - we’ve been together 30 years - we were about to buy a new house, had travel plans for the future . He’s never been interested in porn or anything like that. I think it was curiosity during lock down boredom.?? He wasn’t one for being on the internet either - he didn’t even have a social media account until after lockdown and he’s not very good with technology at all. There was no other previous evidence and nothing on any other device including my sons phone which was recently his old phone. Until the police tell me otherwise I have to believe for my sake and my sons that his version of events is true. However I really don’t think we can resume a married relationship, it’s now ruined, although I am trying to support him still. The hurt and trauma this has and is causing us daily I don’t think I can forget especially the negative impact it may have on our child. I’m still so very angry and scared for our future when this will come out in a very small unforgiving community of which he was well known and I’m struggling to sell the house.
I resonate with all the daily struggles you all have. I’m worried about my boy, our safety and how we can move on from this. It’s in my head 24/7. The hardest part of all which I hope you can help with is the secret.
I told my parents and my friends we had separated, that it was a decision we both came to. This has caused a great shock. People saw us as a perfect happy couple and some of my best friends have been finding this hard to accept. With lock down I’ve been able to avoid seeing people and social situations and friends have given me space they are unable to call round - but now my best friends ask me “what the hell happened” , “talk to me “. and my parents say “please tell us don’t bottle it up” “why cant you be together anymore?”
I don’t want to lie so I just say nothing or I’m not ready to talk about it , which I feel is making the situation much worse not better . I’m silent to protect me and my child at all costs. I need to keep this just between us. I guess I’m still also protecting my husband .
Do you have any advice how I can handle this better please?
I got the traumatic knock the first week in September and have been suffering with this horrendous secret ever since.
My husband had iioc images deleted on his phone. He maintained and still does that while looking at legal porn he was sent what he thought was a link to another website. He had just finished night shift,clicked it and as the link didn’t go anywhere he left it. It was a torrent file that downloaded many images onto his phone while he slept. When he found the images later that day , and having opened a couple he freaked out and deleted them all - stupidly thinking that would be the end of it.
After the police came four months later he openly went and spoke to them. There were a high volume of images across all categories, even the fact that they were unopened and deleted will not help him. They have told him that he will be charged for this. The images were made (downloaded) intentional or not cannot be proved or disproved.
I have a son so social services were keen to have husband removed from the home. I also needed him to leave I was working from home and I needed to concentrate as much as possible.
And so here we are (3+ months later) we wait ! Husband is in a deep depression and living away from us on his own, he only communicates with me and has cut everyone else off. He is ashamed with this association and has hit rock bottom. We have shed many tears in car rides on our own. We were really happy (so I thought) - we’ve been together 30 years - we were about to buy a new house, had travel plans for the future . He’s never been interested in porn or anything like that. I think it was curiosity during lock down boredom.?? He wasn’t one for being on the internet either - he didn’t even have a social media account until after lockdown and he’s not very good with technology at all. There was no other previous evidence and nothing on any other device including my sons phone which was recently his old phone. Until the police tell me otherwise I have to believe for my sake and my sons that his version of events is true. However I really don’t think we can resume a married relationship, it’s now ruined, although I am trying to support him still. The hurt and trauma this has and is causing us daily I don’t think I can forget especially the negative impact it may have on our child. I’m still so very angry and scared for our future when this will come out in a very small unforgiving community of which he was well known and I’m struggling to sell the house.
I resonate with all the daily struggles you all have. I’m worried about my boy, our safety and how we can move on from this. It’s in my head 24/7. The hardest part of all which I hope you can help with is the secret.
I told my parents and my friends we had separated, that it was a decision we both came to. This has caused a great shock. People saw us as a perfect happy couple and some of my best friends have been finding this hard to accept. With lock down I’ve been able to avoid seeing people and social situations and friends have given me space they are unable to call round - but now my best friends ask me “what the hell happened” , “talk to me “. and my parents say “please tell us don’t bottle it up” “why cant you be together anymore?”
I don’t want to lie so I just say nothing or I’m not ready to talk about it , which I feel is making the situation much worse not better . I’m silent to protect me and my child at all costs. I need to keep this just between us. I guess I’m still also protecting my husband .
Do you have any advice how I can handle this better please?
Gosh everything you have said was how I felt in the early days. I didn't tell anyone either for quite a while (made easier by being able to hide away as we were in lockdown) but I'd really encourage you to confide in someone... it really helped me when I did. I'd also say not to make any big decisions yet... much as you feel like you need to. Take one day at a time..expect bad days and slightly better ones
It's an utterly hideous and traumatic experience - one I don't think I'll ever forget. It does get easier though as you move through the process. Try and ring the helpline too. I also paid for a few sessions of counselling (I couldn't get any on the NHS) which was good.
take care of yourself xx ????
It's an utterly hideous and traumatic experience - one I don't think I'll ever forget. It does get easier though as you move through the process. Try and ring the helpline too. I also paid for a few sessions of counselling (I couldn't get any on the NHS) which was good.
take care of yourself xx ????
I agree with Belle on this one regarding the therapy/counselling...
I've recently entered into counselling and we don't always discuss the investigation, sometimes it helps to just talk about me... But the point is is that each week I look forward to my session and I just feel so much better. You can look after everyone but that hour is yours, you need that for you.
I've recently entered into counselling and we don't always discuss the investigation, sometimes it helps to just talk about me... But the point is is that each week I look forward to my session and I just feel so much better. You can look after everyone but that hour is yours, you need that for you.
Thank you both that's really helpful x
Hello I'm new around here and your situation sounds so similar to mine, I'm looking for help or answers to try and help me fix myself in all this mess, husband has lost his job because he was honest to his employees as the police took him from work, he said he clicked on a link and it bought images up which he shut off,
I want to believe him and move forward a couple family know and I worry they will not be so forgiving if I move forward with him.
just finding all a big struggle
so sending love to you x
I want to believe him and move forward a couple family know and I worry they will not be so forgiving if I move forward with him.
just finding all a big struggle
so sending love to you x
Hi Cookie
Hugs to you. You are right. It is such a struggle everyday to keep some normality going in this doom. I know I have good friends and supportive family but I feel I just can't even say the words out loud yet. But we can do this and come out of the other side...... even if right now it feels impossible.
It is cathartic to have the forum - just to write how you feel and know someone out there understands how you feel.
Keep in touch with your progress x
Hugs to you. You are right. It is such a struggle everyday to keep some normality going in this doom. I know I have good friends and supportive family but I feel I just can't even say the words out loud yet. But we can do this and come out of the other side...... even if right now it feels impossible.
It is cathartic to have the forum - just to write how you feel and know someone out there understands how you feel.
Keep in touch with your progress x