Family and Friends Forum

Can ss tell you something that's not true

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue January 5, 2021 11:51amReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:20pm

mjl73

Member since
August 2019

159 posts

Posted Tue January 5, 2021 11:56amReport post

The cynical part of me thinks that SS will say whatever they can to get you to leave as that makes things easier for them, even if it stretches the truth. I do also know that they don't always get the full information while the legal case is still ongoing.

You could submit a request to them to get all the information that they share on you. That might help to uncover what information they have.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue January 5, 2021 12:00pmReport post

Hi hun xx first of all ss should only be given the minimum info by the police while there is an investigation as it can impact the investigation ( everyone thinks they tell them everything but they dont!!). 2nd of all that info should come from the police or the solicitor as they are the ones with the info not the ss. What exactly was he arrested for? Sorry I get confused with peoples stories sometimes. The solicitor will have a pre interview report which the police hand over before interview about what exactly they will be talking about!! Xx what have the police told you? Xx if I remember rightly your ss have been very vocal about their personal opnions to havent they? Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue January 5, 2021 1:52pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:20pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue January 5, 2021 7:11pmReport post

Mjl is correct you can ask for a data request and that is all correspondence about your case and will tell you exactly what they have bern told and what has been discussed since the arrest!! Xx ss dont like data requests it put ms them on edge and also shows them that you know what your entitled to!! Xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue January 5, 2021 7:46pmReport post

Vickie it's called a subject access request and look at your LA's website and it will talk about it there. Also look for belinda winder on Twitter as the university she works for have done a study about non offending partners and ss are mentioned in it. Contact her and request a copy( which I have just done) and have a read and shove it under your sw's nose!! Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue January 5, 2021 10:35pmReport post

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lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue January 5, 2021 11:13pmReport post

You dont need a twitter account just google her and go on her account and you will find the research paper you can then download it. LA is local authority so look for the ss that deals with your case look on their website and look at the procedure on the website. But I do believe it has to be done via email but maybe ring them( dont speak to your sw) and ask for that access request and they will give you the right info xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue January 5, 2021 11:16pmReport post

As for probation I'm not sure but would think that covid restrictions starting again may have something to do with it and that will slow alot down at the mo xx I'm not sure what the effect will be on courts but they already had a massive backlog even before covid xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue January 5, 2021 11:24pmReport post

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lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue January 5, 2021 11:44pmReport post

They cant do sentencing until a pre sentence report is done so that is what has happened which is the correct procedure. Has the solicitor spoken to you about doing an impact statement? If not ring them and ask about it as it can help with the judge. But I would think there may be delays due to the lockdown but cant find anything on what's happening with courts due to full lockdown.

I'm ok hun in limbo with ours but we have a trial on 25th jan but still got evidence missing and no defence statement has been done so it should be delayed( again). We are hoping it will be as we have a new solicitor( ours has been more than useless but our case is extremely complicated). So no replies to emails or phone calls since 21st december!! My anger level is on another level and no one wants to help or cares but will keep on fighting until someone has to listen!! Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 6, 2021 10:43amReport post

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lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 6, 2021 2:44pmReport post

I think once the request is done and you see it then you can start working towards getting things changed e g your sw!! Xx try and find that research paper I read it last night and it's very interesting!! And talks about ss xx the safety plan is a major positive so keep working at it. So mention about shopping, internet, any work he is doing to better himself, any safeguarding courses you have done, what direct safe work you have done with your children stuff like that. Show them thsy you take this very seriously and are a protective parent her personal views are not valid in her job in supporting your children and you xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 6, 2021 5:04pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:20pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 6, 2021 6:07pmReport post

That's great and will make them see you are very serious xx if you google her and find her email via Nottingham university or the safer living foundation and email her she will send the research to you hun xx I think you are doing everything right hun so breathe and take it one day at a time xx regarding ss there isnt much more you can do until you see how they respond regarding the request and the safety plan xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 6, 2021 7:40pmReport post

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lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 6, 2021 8:48pmReport post

I will google the request and see how you go about it for you hun xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 6, 2021 9:22pmReport post

Ok from what I can see google subject access request and your area and it should come up xx just done it with mine and it came up on my local authority( my council). If not ring childrens services and ask how you can get one as by law they have to tell you and also the request has to be done within a time limit normally a month xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 6, 2021 10:23pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:21pm

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu January 7, 2021 1:01pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:21pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu January 7, 2021 3:45pmReport post

Well done!! Hopefully it will be squeaky bum time for ss!! I will look at my plan and put on here the layout on it so that will help you xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu January 7, 2021 3:56pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:21pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu January 7, 2021 9:50pmReport post

Sorry vickie had alot going on and not been in right head space xx right so on safety plan keep it simple so like bullet points not too much about the past as this is about moving forward. So the safeguarding things you will do concerning your children especially devices that they are checked and that you know all passwords to all devices in your home. The safeguarding you have done regarding the wifi. What happens regarding if you have to leave the home e g kids go with you or you organise alternative arrangements with others. The work you and husband do together to understand the whys( this is where porn addiction comes into it and what he has done to not reoffend). I did a list of what is expected from me and what is expected from my husband so like never left alone, to be open and transparent with the ss, what devices he would have and that are completely visible by tou and authorities . I have installed an indoor security camera that is connected to only my phone that shows my daughters bedroom doors and alert me of any movement so I'm covered when I'm asleep( I'm the lightest sleeper but ss could still say it). Your understanding of risk of reoffending and the triggers you are now more aware of in your husband e.g bedtime at different times, low sex drive, snappy the list is endless xx hope this helps xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu January 7, 2021 9:54pmReport post

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lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu January 7, 2021 10:01pmReport post

I wish I could send you mine but cant as so much easier one when is in front of you but just think bullet points and all the practical stuff gets covered oh also personal care is done by you that's another one!! And any affection should be supervised by you too xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu January 7, 2021 10:52pmReport post

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lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu January 7, 2021 10:57pmReport post

Oh bless you hun xx I lost all my friends apart from 2 due to the livestream( society are sheep and believe everything that's online!!) but I can say on here I have made real true friends that I dont have to hide anything from and truly understand. I can say now I have real friends so it's another positive out of this journey xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 8, 2021 10:56pmReport post

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Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 12:14pmReport post

Hi, I thought I'd come on here to say how helpful this post has been. I'm sat here right now waiting for the children's services to make their first call. My husband is on bail ( it only happened the other day) his phone and computer were taken and he is incredibly remorseful, our who world feels like it's come crashing down. We've started things to help him and me, I've been referred to counselling and my husband is ringing the helpline on here to start the next steps. I felt really worried about children's services. A lady rang me and said she knows exactly everything my husband had been accused ( not charged yet) of. My husband will plead guilty and he knows what he's done. But she implied he's done worse but my husband said the police didn't say any of this to him so how does she know. I feel like they will try and make me against him. I know he's done wrong but I want to be involved with them ( children's services) and I want to help in anyway but I don't want me and my husband to split up, how can that help my son? He's nearly 16! Before all this we had a great, normal family life!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 12:24pmReport post

First thing to remember is that ss are given minimal information when there is a pending investigation because it can jeopardize the investigation if they release too much info. Louise they dont do anything quickly as you can see from all the posts here. But I remember I had a similar conversation with my first sw and I told them that I deal with the truth and with solid evidence and when I see that then I will decide what I will doing going forward regarding my relationship. They cant argue with that!! Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 1:00pmReport post

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Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 1:03pmReport post

Thank you so much Lee! Yeah I'm just starting to see that ss maybe don't help you straightaway!. This limbo bit is hard but I'm now seeing that maybe the lady I spoke to actually didn't word it correctly. She said my husband was uploading to the internet but the police haven't even got into his devices as far as we know plus he was told to say no comment to everything the police asked him the other day, he's not been charged yet so god knows how she gets info!. My husband had told me he saved photos and viewed photos, he's adamant he didn't share stuff online, in chat rooms or by hooking up with anyone. It's a deeply alone thing with him. Sorry I'm rambling!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 1:06pmReport post

Vickie that sounds really positive to me. At the end of the day we are the ones that need to be in control aren't we. Our partners, husbands etc have done wrong we all know that but it is way more complex than just a black and white situation!. How do I do a child protection plan? Do I just write out my ideas? Ways I'm going to do things to put procedures in place

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 1:17pmReport post

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Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 2:04pmReport post

Thank you Vickie that's really helpful to me. Another thing I wondered is about my daughter? She is 18. Will they view her as a responsible adult? As in like you say if I was taken ill would she take over the role of supervisor?. I'm finding it so hard to get the scenarios in my head when I know in my head he wouldn't harm anyone. It's hard isn't it, I want to do everything right and right now but I'm in so much limbo as I haven't even had a call yet to arrange the first meeting. Maybe I should practice some self care for a few days? I'm exhausted and struggling to function. I've been to the doctor, got help to sleep and I'm waiting on a counsellor to ring for me to start therapy. It's all a whirlwind, one minute I'm ok abs think practically then I'm a mess and crying my eyes out

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 2:32pmReport post

Louise my daughter was 22 when 1st arrest happened( she is 24 next month) and she was put on my safety plan as a supervising adult. I did my safety plan last week and she is in as my back up in case I need to go put or anything happens to me xx it's a chat you should have with her and see how she feels about it all as my daughter is in full support of her step dad( who she classes as her dad). As your so new on this journey ahe may not feel that way so definitely have a chat with her to get her views on what has happened and see if your both on the same page xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 2:40pmReport post

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Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 3:33pmReport post

Vickie I hadn't even seen your reply but I wrote a note to myself ( I love a to do lists!) on it was " write a letter to my husband". We've been doing a hell of a lot of talking but it also makes me cry a lot and him too so I think it will help him to read it on his own.He was arrested but not charged yet. The solicitor told him to say no comment to everything but he will be admitting guilt. He told me he's had an addition to porn and that led him down a dark path to indecent images of children. He said he was obsessed with saving photos, like photos of everything! He's into mountain biking so he has tonnes and tonnes of photos like that. He's ringing the doctor, I do think he may have ocd tendencies especially as he has thousands of photos ( not just porn but everything). I will defo have a chat with my daughter as if this goes on for a long time like a year she'll be 19 and half , my kids are very independent, they kind of just do their own thing! My son is nearly 16. I really want to work hard with the ss. At the moment I feel that is our biggest hurdle, even more so with what he may get sentenced

Edited by moderator Wed January 13, 2021 10:51pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 3:37pmReport post

Vickie meant to say the police only came to our house last Thursday ( 7th Jan ). They took my husband away, searched the house but not ripping it apart how you'd imagine like on telly. They took his phone, laptop and a camera. God knows where the camera was! Must of been in a drawer, like an old crappy digital one we haven't used for years and no memory cards in it. It might of been a throwaway one I don't know, if that's the case it will be one my son took to France on a school trip!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 4:03pmReport post

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lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 4:21pmReport post

Also louise the age of your son he is alot more aware of what is wrong or right and the ss will have to accept that. They will talk to both children and they will see that they are both young adults that are capable of understanding right and wrong and what is actually happening concerning their dad. X

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 4:38pmReport post

Vickie and Lee, thank you so much. We think he will be charged with downloading images and saving them in a photo album on his computer and phone. It's is only him, no one else involved, no messaging, chat rooms, any sort of rings, nothing. He told me it's an addiction to porn. He had no mental health issues and we had a normal happy family life. My kids are fine, they will talk nothing but good about their Dad to the ss and like you say their ages they know what's right and wrong and they are very social media savvy! Both typical teenagers, lots of friends and very happy. The thing that's really haunting me is it getting in the press. Can I appoint my own solicitor for this sort of thing? Like try and stop it at the sentence hearing?. To me it's not in the interest of the family if it's public. How can it be? It could ruin my kids life and yes people say it's his fault abs it is but it's not theirs is it!. If it was just me and him we could deal with it, move away ( although I blimmin love my house, been here since 1999 so it would be hard) but I couldn't move my kids away, they have a life here

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 4:41pmReport post

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Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 4:41pmReport post

Vickie, I've only told my Brother and Doctor. My husband told his Mum and that's it. I won't be telling anyone and if it doesn't get in the papers I'll never tell anyone. I've just had a call from a therapy referal. The doctor referred me. I have an assessment on Monday then they will sort the best course for me. I won't be telling the ss that I'm doing therepy, or should I? I feel like it will go against me I dunno?

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 4:45pmReport post

Im thinking it will be maybe a year before it even gets to court, these things take so long don't they. I haven't even thought much about the sentence he might get. In fact I'm worried less about that than it going in the papers. If he was even sent to prison and no one found out why he's gone I can handle that

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 4:47pmReport post

Louise dont think too far ahead about what he could be charged with as you really wont get any answers until if/ when it happens. Also be aware that the word making is used when talking about downloading so dont let that scare you it just means that by downloading they made another file or copy of that image. Sorry to say that's not the society read it and the media wont put it straight!! Xx also there has to be a trigger for his addiction and that's something that he will need to work out maybe he could do the modules on the website to be able to start understanding the why and how. Also there are books he and you could read like the porn trap and porn on your brain. At least that way you can both get some answers to be able to move forward. Xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 4:55pmReport post

A solicitor cant help with the media and stopping it getting into the papers or social media. Even families with very young children they wont stop it. And they will only do closed court cases for 2 reasons one is terrorism and I cant remember the other one but it's on here somewhere on the forum. Try not to think of the timeline as it can take many months and even years to get charged especially at the mo due to covid. As for media I know it's hard but try not to think about that at the mo and I can tell you from experience that yes it's horrible but it becomes old news very quickly. Make sure you are careful who you tell and also who your children confide in as you need to protect your family so at the mo the less people that know the better. At the mo just think about you and the children dont think about solicitors etc because until you know exactly what they have found it's difficult to plan anything and prepare for all the outcomes. Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 5:04pmReport post

He's off work tomorrow and going through all the help he can get on the Lucy Faithful website, the modules etc. I bought that book someone reccomended, the porn trap, it's come today actually so I've read bits of it but I'll let him have it to read. He needs to address what he's done and make steps to " cure" himself. I do believe it's an addiction, and over the last day or so I've read so much about it. Thank you so much for all the advice, I don't know what I would of done these last few days

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 5:06pmReport post

It must of been you Lee that reccomended the porn trap! Yeah I saw it on the other post! I've read little bits, it's good actually and is helping me

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 5:47pmReport post

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Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 6:05pmReport post

Vickie I bought it from Amazon, it came really quickly, think it was about 13 quid. I'll read some more tonight before I give it to my husband

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 6:12pmReport post

You can get it from amazon and you can get it on kindle and audible too xx look for the other one I mentioned as that is brilliant and they also have a website that is brilliant and full of scientific information about the affects of porn on the brain xx just made a cake then tonight I'm putting together a timeline of every allegation, implication, lie and everything else the oic has done in both our cases to hand to the solicitor and barrister on friday so they will actually do some work!! Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 6:20pmReport post

Tonight I just had an early bath and doing tea abit earlier ( normally we eat about 8ish). There's is another book I was gonna buy called porn on the brain but I was gonna look for something that relates to indecent images of children. My daughter is doing college assignments this evening but my son is most definately not doing school work!

Edited by moderator Wed January 13, 2021 10:51pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 6:21pmReport post

Crikey Lee you have a full on evening!! Thank you for your reading recommendations, it's really helping me

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 6:33pmReport post

Louise I havent come across any books regarding that they may mention but there isnt a specific one for that. There is alot of research regarding porn addiction and what has happened is more common than any of us imagine. Also dont forget apart from the legal side of this there is the women side of things we all feel betrayed by our men looking at and for porn that's legal so there is that angle so reading these books explain the why and how to us and why it has nothing to do with us!! Xx for 8 years before my husbands arrest we struggled with the porn addiction( my husband telling women he loved them etc but all online never in reality) and my self esteem and confidence was non existent but through learning now( why i didnt do it before is something i will carry for the rest of my life) i know it was and is nothing to do with me and that we will as a couple fight this addiction for rest of our lives xx

Vickie

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November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 7:07pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:25pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 7:29pmReport post

Oh Vickie I'm so sorry, that's really hard isn't it. Listen it's just a reaction to all that's going on for you. It's strange isn't it, if my husband had been having an affair, or our house was busted and they'd found a tonne of heroin id be shouting and screaming at him, but this??! This is so much harder. I wish he'd robbed a bank or something really serious. It's the stigma isn't it and that he's so desperate and remorseful and that he's ruined my life right now. I've wrote him a letter tonight, I'll text it to him tomorrow. I'm finding myself really really worried for him and he's like " but I don't care about me it's you I'm worried about"

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 8:56pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:25pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 9:17pmReport post

It's those that mind dont matter, those that matter dont mind xx it's actually a dr Seuss saying and it has become my mantra. Your father in law is in the denial area and trying to find someone else to blame apart from his son as then as a parent he will be questioning himself as a parent does that make sense? I see it with mums when it's their sons that are caught and it's truly non ones fault apart from the men. Yes there are reasons why but they did have a choice dont ever forget that ladies xx me and my husband actually made an accountability contract and we have stuck by it!! And also my husband knows what my bottom line is and for me it's any porn of any kind!! I dont fight like this for him to go back to that world. But I always remember that my husband has abstained for 22 months but the addiction will always be in him and in our family but it's how we control it and the coping mechanisms. Its knowing the triggers and the signs too xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 10:12pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:26pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 10:29pmReport post

My husband sat down and wrote a time line and that really helped him remember stuff and we went back 10 years!! Thankfully we requested his medical records and his addiction is mentioned alot and that he asked for help.... there was none all he had was 6 weeks therapy and an anger management course!! This was after he actually had a major breakdown. He even told his bosses and asked for help and asked for internet to be removed from his work phone( which would of made no difference to his work) but was told 3 times that it was too much work to do that!! So when men actually ask for help there is none and then they end up in this pile of crap!! And everyone abandoned him!! Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu January 14, 2021 5:52amReport post

Lee that's awful your husbands work didn't help!. I've woke up this morning, v early as usual but I totally forgot about all this then a wave of anxiety came over me and now I feel terrible. My heads a spin with safety plans, protection plans etc etc and I haven't even had the first call from the ss yet. I feel like I have to do some " homework" the sort you put off when your at school because it's the most difficult. I wish they would just ring and get it over with now. My husband is so so broken. He just wants the ss to come round too. He's not been sleeping here but on his original bail he was bailed to this address and all it said was no unsupervised contact with anyone u18 ( which we've done) so we have no clue if actually he could stay or not. The police didn't say. I wonder should I ring the custody officer who booked him out?

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu January 14, 2021 6:11amReport post

I also just thought if the ss think my husband is a risk or threat to my kids why aren't they round the very same day we got the knock from the police?. It's been a week today since it happened ( god I wish I could go back to this time last week). The police release him on bail and leave him to it! They trust he will do his bail restriction ( which he has). My head is v full this morning

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu January 14, 2021 9:31amReport post

Lee, I'm looking at Belinda Winder on Twitter right now. What is the title of the research paper?. Thank you!, hope you are both ok this morning

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu January 14, 2021 9:32amReport post

Think I found it! Thank you for the recommendations

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu January 14, 2021 11:08amReport post

I emailed Belinda and she replied and sent me the research paper. Really really helpful research. I skim read a little this morning but I really recommend it. I'm still waiting for the ss to ring, nothing as yet. My husband is off today and he's had a referal from the doctor to start counselling. How are you?

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu January 14, 2021 4:42pmReport post

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Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu January 14, 2021 9:29pmReport post

Vickie if you look down all her Twitter you will find a post with her email address ( not sure if I'm allowed to share on here?!) also you can message her on LinkedIn. She was very helpful and replied to me straightaway and told me she is doing more research into the effects on partners of this sort of crime. Honestly reading her paper really opened my eyes. My husband got a referal today for a counsellor ( not sure if I said!) it was after his Doctors appointment. He told the doctor everything and he was really helpful

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu January 14, 2021 9:31pmReport post

This is how I asked for it " I hope you don’t mind me requesting a copy of the research paper you were involved in on The experiences of non offending partners of individuals who have committed sexual offences" and just ended it with thank you so much for your help. Hope that helps

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu January 14, 2021 9:32pmReport post

Vickie, do you have to pay for the inform course?

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu January 14, 2021 9:45pmReport post

Sorry ladies had more crap to deal with but nothing new xx the inform course for partners is free but you have to pay around £80 for a consultation first( think its dependant on your finances) the inform plus course for the men vary from 800 - 1000 I do believe xx that's great vickie that he has got a referral so quickly we are still waiting via the doctor 22 months later!! But my husband has an interview for the Aurora project with the safer living foundation and think that will be the best thing for him ( my husband was abused and introduced to porn via his first boss when 13) xx how are you both? Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 7:10amReport post

Morning, as it's been every morning I wake up feeling terribly anxious and cry. Lots going on in my head. Crikey I want my husband to do the inform plus course but don't think we could afford it. I'll do the one for me though. I'm hoping the counselling the doctor referred for my husband will be a good start. It should address his addiction and ocd tendencies maybe. Hope you're ok, I've not had the ss call yet for our first assessment, I'm not actually gonna chase them up. I'm starting to see they work so differently across everyone's case. I don't know what to do today?! There's only so much pottering and house work I can do. I may get it down on paper some ideas for when the ss do come round. I'm struggling to see it from the perspective of having a nearly 16 year old son. Should I look at it more to do with me putting controls on the internet and that sort of thing?. I think things like personal care etc wouldn't really be relevant, he's a young adult man we always knock to go in his room, he has his own space, does his own thing. I mean potentially in a couple of years he could move out ( I mean I don't want that!!) I just don't know where to start with a safety plan or what they will actually ask my son. How do they decide on restrictions after a 30 minute interview anyway?

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 9:04amReport post

Sorry, I'm just rambling again but I can't stop thinking if the ss thought my husband was going to harm my son I've not hadany contact with them apart from the initial phone call.Surely they would be here on the actual day of the knock? Is age a factor? As in mine are 18 and 15 ( 16 in March) it's been 8 days since the police came and reading on here children's services don't do anything fast!. It's really niggling my head. On the bail conditions it's no u18 unsupervised contact which we've done so are they thinking that's fine for now?

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 11:26amReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:27pm

LizzeLou

Member since
January 2021

18 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 11:33amReport post

We got the knock on a Sunday, released without bail conditions as we agreed he would not come home. Our kids are 9 and 10 so very relevant to the charge. I got the SS call at work the next day at midday. I then agreed to the online visit at 4.30 that day, nothing face to face with the SW. We then got an actual visit from someone doing the PANTS chat with the girls 1 week later. Within 2 weeks I received a written report closing the case as I have agreed to all of their conditions. It was all very fast. I spoke with the school before they sent their report, so I know they were contacted within around 48 hours of the knock. We now have WhatsApp chats with me in the room plus supervised visits with me present at all times. We were told a SW would be present for the visits in normal times but not sure if that is correct or not. Think they are happy to do the least possible and leave people to it, their workload is so huge they just don't have time to monitor everyone. Now we just wait for the tech search to find out what happens next, could be months before we hear anything, it's hell.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 11:44amReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:29pm

LizzeLou

Member since
January 2021

18 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 11:57amReport post

He has not been charged but the arrest was over communicating with a minor online (child was a police decoy) and then they found images on his phone. The child was a 12 year old girl, so because of our daughter's ages it was reported to SS as high risk. He denies it and says someone hacked his phone. I completely believed him in the early stages but am beginning to have doubts after 6 weeks of desperately trying to find something that could explain how this happened. He has quite regular access to the girls as I wont make a final decision until I get more info from the police. I am always here and never let him have them without me present as I dont trust his sister to supervise it - he is living with his sister at moment. Sometimes I feel like this isn't happening and everything is normal then I remember.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 12:26pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:28pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 12:41pmReport post

Lizzie Lou that sounds quite a positive outcome with the ss. I do think they by the sounds of it need to do a lot more research themselves into how they handle the families. I'm finding more and more that actually their input sometimes could be negative. I've done quite a bit of Googling and reading different research papers and it really isn't black and white is it?. That's how if feels at the moment with the way ss seem to be doing procedures, I also think in my situation a different approach is needed, with my son being nearly 16. I had a really good chat with a lady on the live chat function on here this morning as I was really struggling. I'm just so grateful I can chat to other women like you on here ( although I wish we hadn't met like this eh!)

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 12:48pmReport post

Vickie that must of my incredibly hard to deal with having your friend turn against you like that. I'm literally not telling anyone, I mean I've told my brother and he is incredibly supportive but that's it, no one else knows. My next think is a counselling assesment on Monday. It will be strange as I've never dealt with counsellors before. I'm going to see how that goes and then if needs be sign up for the inform course. The thing I was struggling with this morning is all this becoming public. I strongly believe after all the stuff I've read that there should be either a way to stop it or makes it anonymous if they must print in the papers. It ruins partners and children's life's. I understand the offender should be punished of course but I do think whatever sentence they get is punishment enough. They have to live with what they've done to their family for the rest of their lives. I love my husband so much and wish this nightmare was over, like we could fast forward. If I had no kids I'd move away now

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 12:54pmReport post

Vickie I wholeheartedly agree that big internet companies and porn sites need to be accountable. Obviously what my husband has done is wrong, of course it is. We were talking about this yesterday me and my husband. I said that this crime is unbelievable common so the police are catching people every day, over 500 men a month are arrested. It would make more sense to plough time and money into better resources to shut porn sites down and have stricter controls. I dont for one minute mean it's not the fault of these men who look for child porn, they have committed a crime but I think if it wasn't their then the majority of men would not go down that dark path

LizzeLou

Member since
January 2021

18 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 12:55pmReport post

I don't know what to think. I am his wife and I thought I knew him, so I have to believe him but there are things that are just niggling away at me. If he has done it I wish he would admit it to me, get help and then work through it. He never got over losing his Mum 4 years ago, got more and more depressed but blamed my menopause for all of our problems. He has barely left the house since 1st lockdown and sees virtually no one but me and the kids. He has now admitted he was in a dark place and had started watching porn on his phone...he is blaming the porn or gaming sites for letting a hacker into his phone, guess that could be true. Since the knock he started taking medication for his depression but not really getting any other help. I suggested counselling but he has not taken me up on that, he can afford private counselling so he could do it but think he prefers to pretend this is not happening. He just talks about hiring the best solicitor possible. I talked to a friend at work and she very bluntly told me not to tell anyone...she was spot on because everyone I've talked to so far, on a professional level doesn't believe him. I stopped my own counselling because it was obvious she didnt believe him and the sessions left me feeling scared. None of my friends know and work only knows because I work in a school and SS had to talk to them. If hse is found guilty we will lose everything as his job requires security clearance so he will lose it and then we will lose the house so its not great to look any further than 1 day at a time at the moment.

Its so brave that your partner has faced it and is doing everything he can to sort it out, everyone has their own things to deal with and we cant judge.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 1:21pmReport post

Oh Lizzielou I'm so sorry for your situation too. I think it sounds like your husband needs help but that has to come from him admitting it doesn't it love. It's the waiting isn't it, the feeling that your world can come crashing down and non of it is your fault but it feels like we, the wives or partners are baring the brunt of it all. We are dealing with ss, dealing with all the scenarios in our heads, looking after the family ( different with me, mine are older kids so sort themselves out, mind you my stress with them is trying to get my son doing his school work, he's nearly 16 so you can imagine!). My husband has admitted everything to me and is very open he says he will plead guilty and his doing everything he can to make mitigating circumstances for the court case. I mean if he hadn't been caught I think he would of cracked one day with the pressure of hiding it. I truly believe he has an addiction to porn and ocd tendencies. There needs to be more help for men to address this

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 1:43pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:29pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 2:13pmReport post

Oh Vickie the arrest sounds incredibly traumatic for you and your family, and you need help with that. I'm an emotional person too, crikey I cry at all the Christmas ads!. I do believe social services and the police need a better understanding of the impact on families, I really do. I think the emphasis should be on the person that's committed the crime to seek help if they want it and to address their actions. I don't think the blanket approach by the ss that every man will potentially abuse their child is the right approach and it needs a more in depth and individual needs to the family. Like in my case, I wouldn't for one second think my husband needs to leave my house. Instead I would put restrictions on our internet, some sort of block on his phone, passwords that only I know etc etc. So yeah a more individual case by case approach is needed by the ss. I get that they are overstretched. My husband has just had a call from the team that will do his counselling. He has an assessment on the phone a week on Wednesday so we will see how that goes.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 2:19pmReport post

Vickie it must be hard mentally as you are in this line of work so your emotions will be so conflicting. I also think the pressure ss put on women to leave their husbands is incredibly unfair. I mean upto before all this we had a great family life, loads of plans for this year ( if corona could just do one!), how do they think we can just switch that off in an instant. If you want a future with your husband and partner then the ss need to respect you will do everything you can to keep the family together so them suggesting you leave or run for the hills is actually contradictory in their suggestions that they are helping children. I know it would be the last thing my kids would want is to see my husband leave the family home forever, no matter what he's done!

Edited Fri January 15, 2021 2:32pm

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 2:33pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:30pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 2:48pmReport post

Oh Vickie love you are dealing with a lot arent you. I do think once you come out the other side of all this nightmare that you and your husband would benefit from counselling together and support, it must be very hard looking after your child with needs and like you say your husband has epilepsy which that alone is stressful for you. It sounds like your husband wants to make a positive change as he wants to explain to your daughter when she's older what has happened. God I don't know how women carry on, I really don't. I mean before this happened to me the last really terrible thing in my life was loosing my Dad to cancer 7 years ago and that was horrific. I mean we've had our ups and downs like all families but the laughs and good times were a lot more than the stressful times. I've been with my husband nearly 30 years! We've known each other since school, I'm not throwing that away

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 2:55pmReport post

Hi ladies how are you all doing?

Louise the safety plan you can put in place as your kids are older can be aimed about how your keeping the internet safe for them ( mainly your boy of course).like I have blocks on certain aspects of the internet. I also have safety words on my google search and every device in my home is linked to my google account so I can check activity and history of all devices. Its bloody complicated but it does help to give you peace of mind.

Louise your husband could be in denial and that can cause more problems for you. The only way he can prove it wasnt him is by a forensic company checking his device and that cant be done until there is a charge. I know many ladies that have gone with solicitors from one end of spectrum( legal aid) to pay many thousands and the outcomes havent been much different. And nowadays as this crime ja so widespread you will find most solicitors have dealt with these cases before. If he wont do counselling maybe get him to ring the helpline as they may help him realise that counselling would really help him xx

Vickie that arrest sounds extremely traumatic ( my husband was arrested in front of my daughter) and I know you have struggled with your little ones emotions same as me. I was given some emotional cards with ideas to help get the emotions out in a constructive way instead of a violent way so will look at them and put some ideas on here for you xx

Ss is at their pace ( 3 weeks until I heard from them) and as you all say if these men are so dangerous why do they drag their feet? There is no answer as there is no consistency with any of them and as for the police they are exactly the same. Just make sure you have a paper trail for any communication at least that way you are covered in things that are said or done xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 3:02pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:31pm

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 3:15pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:32pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 3:39pmReport post

Lee thank you for the advice re safety plan, my husband isn't in denial. Did you mean the other lady!. He really wants to get all the help he can get. I think you're right, ss and the police really drag their feet. From what I've read in this forum it's a common theme isn't it, and it really doesn't help the wives or partners. In one sense I'm in a bubble right now with nothing happening but I want it to happen but not if that makes sense!. I've just wrote a tonne of stuff down in my notes on my phone to my husband. All the things I'm upset about, that how this has effected us and the impact it will have on our life. I wrote another letter too but haven't showed him either yet

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 3:41pmReport post

So Lee with the google stuff and linking it to your account was it quite straight forward to set up?. I mean my husband will do anything. He's that willing to do anything that can make it better

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 3:47pmReport post

Crikey Vickie I really feel for you love, it's been incredibly tough for you hasn't it. You blimmin don't need this at all. I think with me writing stuff down really helps. Like Lee you said about emotional cards. It's when you get upset and try and say all the stuff at once it makes you worse doesn't it. I do think counselling can really help, your talking to a professional and they won't judge

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 4:11pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:31pm

LizzeLou

Member since
January 2021

18 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 4:19pmReport post

Vickie it sounds like you are going through so much and being amazingly strong. Yes it is my husband that denies everything. He refuses to call the helpline as 'he hasn't done anything wrong!' He spoke to the solicitor today and decided he will stick with legal aid route initially if there is a charge. We were already going through problems so my bubble of me and the girls is actually not bad, I think I am lucky in that I am not missing him which is incredibly sad. I cant help but feel if I had been a better wife he wouldnt have had to use the porn sites. I feel so guilty for doubting him.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 4:35pmReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:33pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 4:45pmReport post

Lizzie Lou you must never ever think if you'd been a better wife. Honestly it is not that at all, trust me! We can not force our husbands to do what they've done the same way we can't make them not do it, especially if it's been a secret thing for years!. I keep saying to my husband why did you look at child porn when you knew it was illegal and potentially could get caught?. I said why didn't you think when we had times in our lives when things were stressful for me ( my Dad passing away, or stressful times with money) that if he had got caught it would of made things even worse at that time!. He said he just used to push it away into his head, like he'd shut the laptop and not think. He said a few times he's wanted to destroy the laptop and everything on it, I wish he blimmin had, I really do

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 4:56pmReport post

That's the thing I have seen a lot on here is that we all just want communication from the other half but once u know that's when healing can start whether it be together or a part and I am glad no of this happen when I really need him,, not that I don't need him now but I mean I was on my knees cause gods what I would have done x

But we must all remember this is not our fault

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 5:18pmReport post

Sorry louise think it's the Lou bit that got me confused!!

Lizzie the denial is the biggest struggle for you at the mo as it's difficult to move past that until we know everything the bad, the good and the ugly. And if he was looking at porn he, not you, needs to work out why he made that choice and what the triggers were. Society hasnt opened its eyes to the dangers of porn but as you can see from the many posts here and on forums etc there is a big danger and it's on the rise. As for wondering if you could of been a better wife or done things differently.... the answer is no there is nothing you could of done to stop him as it was his choice not yours to delve into that world. And he may think he hasnt done anything wrong legally but emotionally he has done wrong as it has made you question yourself and your marriage so he needs to address the emotional damage he has caused you. Maybe by doing that he will see that denial( or he could be telling the truth) will not help him in the long run xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 5:26pmReport post

Sorry Lee that my fault I could not remeber the name when I was text I just remember Lou bit lol x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 5:56pmReport post

Lol it's alright Lee!! It's hard cos you can't keep up with everyone's names for a start! Especially when you type you can't scroll back through until you've posted! Lee I think you are so right with society and before this happened to me I would be appalled to think my partner looked at child porn. Reading everyone's accounts it's just so much more complex isn't it. We are having a hard evening. Something daft really, my daughter wouldn't decide what she wanted for tea, she didn't like all the food we suggested and it was one of those silly family arguements that normally we'd just be like " oh whatever" instead I broke down. I'm not coping right now with life stuff, like normal day to day stuff. I know it will get better but it only happened to us last week and everything felt unbearable today. I told my husband I wrote him some letters, I'm finding it hard talking without getting very very upset. I keep asking him over and over why he did it and I want all the details, like how many photos are on the laptop. I think I'm trying to gauge what the police will do. God it would be so much easier if the whole process was literally two weeks!

LizzeLou

Member since
January 2021

18 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 6:26pmReport post

I'm much better after 6 weeks, the first few weeks were really tough though, it definitely gets easier and becomes a sort of new normal. Completely agree that it would be easier if it was quicker. I found it easier to just do what SS told me, I was terrified of them taking the kids but thats me and it is not right for everyone. He is being treated like a king at his sister's so I know he is safe, it would be different if he had nowhere to go. The girls seem ok without him here and never question when they will next see him. Thanks everyone for your support it is so nice to finally have someone to talk to who really gets it.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 6:31pmReport post

Oh louise I totally remember that feeling!! Me and my daughter swapped roles she became the mum and I became the child for 2 months at least!! I wouldnt leave the house I wouldnt talk to anyone and just stayed in bed!! Xx with this trauma it's difficult to carry on but I promise it gets easier but there are dark times so look after you!! And get your children to help have you sat them down and explained what's happened and how you are feeling? They need to understand how you are feeling and that you now need to be a team. One of the positives out of this is that my family is so much closer and we talk about everything I dont hold back and neither do the kids( I say kids but they are 23 and 29 but still my babies). Let them help you and ynderstand your pain and that you need them.

As for knowing everything from husbands that can be difficult to get as trauma can block that or they can be covering up only you will know the truth but I will say listen to your gut instinct!! Its how I caught my husband out a few times before his arrest and it was never wrong. Make sure you keep communication open about everything not just the illegal stuff as the worse thing is letting the feelings fester let them out!! There are so many aspects to this and trying to juggle it all is exhausting. So listen to your body and rest when you need to, cry when you need to and laugh( yes it will happen) when you need to and listen to your gut concerning what you are told and see xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 6:52pmReport post

Lee we literally said tonight we need to sit the kids down and talk properly to them. I mean they know what's going on but talk to them about how I'm not coping. My daughter is a typical 18 year old! Pretty stubborn, thinks about herself etc etc! Quite a tough nut! Whereas my son different kettle of fish, laid back, more sensitive never really argues!. Me and my daughter get in brilliant but yeah we both have to have the last word, daughters eh!. Me and my husband are gonna do a really big food shop tomorrow as I'm struggling to be bothered to think about tea every night. At least if it's all in the house I can plan better. Don't feel like going out anyway plus we can't as it's lockdown! Plus it's too darn cold!. I didn't do much today, just sat watching telly and that's not what I normally do, I'm just shattered!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 8:23pmReport post

Look at batch cooking I do it every so often and its brilliant cause then the kids can sort themselves out when I have a wobble!! My daughter( who is on here somewhere) has been my rock and kept me going and picks me up when I fall apart. And we talk about everything including my marriage which is not awkward anymore xx my son admitted to me he had an addiction to porn( all legal) and he came to me as he saw how hard me and my husband fight to stay together and we helped him overcome it and save his relationship xx so all being on the same page really helps and makes you all stronger xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 9:23pmReport post

Lee, your family sound like they are really supporting you, that must be a great comfort. Yeah I must dig out our slow cooker! Used to use it years ago! Need to get back into it!. I've been really off my food but I need to keep my strength up and eat well. I suffer badly with IBS so doesn't help if I eat rubbish like I have been this last week!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 9:38pmReport post

Totally get that I'm a celiac and when it first happened I lost nearly 2 stone in a month I couldnt eat I didnt sleep and just fell apart!! The weight is back and some extra!! I sleep a bit better but not great and I have wobbles but I have learnt so much about myself and that if I can survive this then I can survive anything and with my family by my side that's all that matters!! Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 15, 2021 10:44pmReport post

Yes I lose three 3 stone in the first 4 months and could nt sleep or drink I got to a point I was scared to cause I had a eating problem in the past so I start with just eating ice-cream and slowly put it back on,, this is what the world needs to understand how much this affect every part of the individuals life and the family's life but I am rebuilding things and heal. Send u all love and hugs

Just finished my cookie dough ice-cream in bed lol

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 6:47amReport post

Morning ladies, gosh you two really suffered didnt you. So many things I'm reading that need changing towards the partners. All this suffering dropped on them when they did nothing wrong, our health, mental health, financial worries not to mention the effects on children. I'm v tired this morning. I will try and take my dog out and have a shower. Think I'm gonna really try and keep busy today and take my kind off things. Yesterday and last night was really hard. I'm finding it really hard seeing my husband suffering so much. He's such a broken man and is heartbroken that he's ruined my life right now

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 7:38amReport post

I've just read a really interesting article on the " fight the new drug" website. I typed in child porn and it came up with articles. Anyway this one is well worth the read "what tech companies could do to slow the spread of child porn online". It's a good article and highlights the fact there's such a massive problem that in fact the tech companies can do a lot more about. I wish I could show the police, the judge, the ss articles like this!. Like I keep saying I no way condone what my husband has done but there's a wider picture isn't there

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 11:17amReport post

I have waken up this morning more tired than ever,, my dog messed down stairs and my youngest just keeps chatting my ear of and normal I would be fine but this morning I am that tired that I have been out drinking all night wish I could lol,,

Just feel so stree out this morning the listed of things to do today is just massive and need the motivation to do it think my motivation has got up and left me today,, wish I could crawl back into bed x

Rant over

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 11:25amReport post

Vickie love, just break every single task down, even write a to do list. I even write a list with stuff I know I'm gonna do ie " put a load of washing in" then physically cross it off. Honestly trust me it will make you feel better. Have you spoke to your GP lately?, you have an incredible amount of stuff on your plate. Maybe some support that's separate from social services, something you can reach out to locally that can offer respite. I still haven't shifted off my sofa right now to take the dog out!. I made the mistake of looking at the media post on here then panicked myself more, then I looked at that hidious group on Facebook, uk database so that was worse! ( don't look at any crap like that on Facebook!). Right why don't we write a list now together! I'm gonna

take my dog out

have a nice bath

dry and straighten my hair

put some washing on ( why do teenagers have so much laundry!)

sort one drawer of my freezer

there I reckon that will do me today. Take care Vickie xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 11:40amReport post

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Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:34pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 12:35pmReport post

Oh Vickie bless you, well I've took the dog out and we've both done a load of washing so see we can motivate ourselves!. With your daughter I remember when my daughter was little they are full in are they!!. A few things I did was use the oven timer a lot! Like if she was colouring or reading but got distracted I'd be like " right let's colour for 20 mins and I'll put the timer on" my daughter also loved doing chores and helping me, get her involved! Even write a list she can add stickers to when she's folded clothes etc, even if it's not done how you like it she'll be focused on something. I think it must be really really hard going through stuff like this when you have little children. If your daughter is off to her nans can you do some self care? Nice bath, face pack, bit of food if you can manage it then some mindless tosh on telly! Take your mind away from stuff?. I know it's really hard and I'm struggling to apply that to myself but it's helping me suggesting it to you and others on here!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 12:55pmReport post

Hi ladies!! First of all shut down social media!! Dont look at any of that!! Database uk ( who were thanked on my husbands livestream) are vigilantes nothing else and those groups are very quiet at the mo due to lockdown and they will sit on evidence until they can livestream again because it's all about the glory absolutely nothing about the children!! I speak to others affected by these idiots and we are constantly reporting them as the rules are changing on fb so slowly they are crawling under their rocks again.

Definitely do the lists!! I did them last night one for me and one for little one and will tick them off as we go through them she loves jt( my list is alot longer lol). But also if you dont want to do anything then dont!! Listen to yourself and dont push yourself preserve your strength and your mind xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 1:32pmReport post

Thanks guys just think it's cause I am tired bed late and up early but can have a lay in tomorrow lol and just get on with things and my house in order lol,,

Then get some rubbish food in as dancing on lice starts tonight omg the fun,,

Think I am just question things two but line in the sand and start again tomorrow x

Thanks ladies x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 2:00pmReport post

Dancing on live????? Interesting!! Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 2:04pmReport post

Phone changing my words dancing on ice lol and rubbish food x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 2:11pmReport post

Lee you are so right about those vile vigilante groups, omg they are horrible. They do nothing but ruin lives, claiming the are helping children is disgusting! I won't look at them again absolutely not. I've just had a big arguement with my daughter. I'm panicking because she needs to do her application to do her next step up from the college course she's on now and it could involve moving away etc etc. I think it's all heightened what's going on right now and I got in a state that she wasn't doing it properly but she wouldn't let me help. I can't stop crying. And I can't stop all the scenarios in my head about the press and social media finding out. I know it's a long way off but right now it feels so raw in my head. I need to do something on my list, go for a blimmin bath! Calm down and chill. Sons just come and given me a big hug.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 2:32pmReport post

I total get this like I said early I was on all this yesterday and had the attitude that he telling the truth we can do this I don't care if it goes Inn the paper but I don't really think that ture I do care and I now in where I have more emotions to deal with but unsure how to deal them if that makes sense,,

Just think I realised last last night just how much I miss him and I just want a cuddle and told everything is going to be OK,,

I might write a another letter for him and see if he replies to it,,

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 3:14pmReport post

It's horrible being apart isnt it vickie? I try to give me some me time so I can break down and just miss him beside me xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 3:48pmReport post

It's just really silly things my partner has a habit of making silly songs to normal songs and just can't bring myself to listen to music cause of it,,

Had to change my hole route of TV cause the programs we watched together I look over to say something and he not there,,

At least I get to speak to him of a night before bed but then I just want a cuddle I know its silly and people would u can get that again but I don't want anyone else I want him x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 3:59pmReport post

It's not silly at all!! And actually other people dont know because they arent going through it!! So how you feel is absolutely normal xx so give yourself that time hun I miss my husband terribly and the house doesnt feel like a home but I have decorated it all ( thanks to the police) and just trying to make it ours again xx because I know he will be home again one day!! Sod what anyone else thinks!! Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 4:09pmReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:38pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 4:34pmReport post

Vickie can your husband come round to your house? To see you I mean ( sorry I can't remember the situation, is he stopping at your sisters?) maybe you just need some time to just hold each other you know. It must be so so hard. I've just had the most amazing delivery. Two of my dear friends sent me a box of giant really fancy brownies in the post! They don't know what's happened but they know I'm going through a traumatic event and me and my husband are having a tough time. It calmed me down abit as I was having such a terrible afternoon

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 4:45pmReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Thu February 18, 2021 10:39pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 4:52pmReport post

Vickie that is a rare charge but I know of one on here!! Look for posts by klk ahe is lovely!! And I'm sure her husband was charged and convicted of that so have a look as will give you some ideas xx I will message her and get her to reach out as I'm not sure she has been on here lately xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 5:01pmReport post

OK thank u lee like I said the first two charges have now been dropped,, this is why I believe police and ss need to start to understand how traumatic it has been to face these charges then just kind have them dropped then the police to go oh it just indepent messages and here is stop it nows website and number,, if u want they will help u thro this and can put ur family back together goodbye kind of thing,,,

And like I said to kind have all this information thro at u and that he had conversation on the 19 and not be arrest to 28 I worked full time what if he was going to hurt my daughter he would had the opportunity just so angry with the way its all be handle and not to ss turn up on the day he was arrested to but like I said I done with all that to a point I just want it all over then to start looking at ways to help others in our shoes x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 5:31pmReport post

I just remember it being a lesser charge and less time on sor and shpo if I have got that right. And I'm sure her husband was never restricted to come home afterwards xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 5:47pmReport post

Vickie I remember now yes, crikey the incompetence of the ss and police in your situation is terrible isn't it. Does your husband speak to you on the phone?. Do you think when it's all over you can build a life back with him, sorry I don't mean to pry just feel for you love. I've just been to the shops, in a way I'm actually glad of wearing masks! ( hate them usually) I just cba to see or speak to anyone I knew. Even though no one actually knows, just kind of feels like that doesn't it

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 5:49pmReport post

Do u know what sentence he got,, my hubby already done 3 months inside seams nothing really now when u think about it really,, I just waiting to see what the judge is going to say and do is the worse really now,, the human mind is horrible cause when u have time to think fear works against u and it feels so uncontrollable,,

I can see the light but it feels so out of reach again x

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 5:56pmReport post

I think we can build on this I only say that cause he rings me every night and has been truth with me and I said to him if he saw a further we us then I wanted disclosure to the case and he did it,, he has not hide anything from me it's hard to hear but I glad he is been open,, he very emotional when we talk,, very remorseful for his actions and wants help for his problems,, he wants to do the course and understand why he has said what he has said,, he understand how important it is to remain on his medication and that he can't drink,, not that he never really drunk much but when lock down happened I found out he was drinking loads and not taking his medication,, so I think we have a chance and I do believe in giving second chances but have said if at any point I see anything that concerns me I will ring the police and hand him in xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 6:31pmReport post

Vickie your husband sounds like once it's over he's ready to start again. Even though I've just " met" you I can tell it will be ok. It's strange isn't it, how we have all met like this. I think women have it naturally in them to connect don't they?!. I have all sorts of different sets of friends, school ones, Mums I've met through my kids going to school, work friends, all sorts. That's why I have this uncontrollable dread for everything coming out. Like obviously I haven't done anything but it's the dread isn't it

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 6:44pmReport post

It is then trying to have like two lives if that makes sense knowing what we know and not telling people because like I said the person I trusted the most and thro would support me has left but again I sit here and think well that her choose and it will be anymore that feel the same but I know he loves me and the kids and to be far we never had a big social life so much will not change I just fear things like in December if he was out it will be his sister 21st birthday and if she has a party will the family welcome him its things like that,, I worry about and if my daughter wants a party whether he can be part of it or not,,

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 9:23pmReport post

Vickie look for klks posts on here as I'm sure she mentioned the sentence etc. But I will see if I can get hold of her and find out for you xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 16, 2021 9:43pmReport post

OK had a look but could not find it on the family but but will keep looking x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 8:32amReport post

Morning ladies, woke up again with the horrible anxious feelings that I keep getting every morning. I get that Vickie about family parties and get togethers. I have a big birthday coming up this year and so does my husband. We had planned a long weekend in Edinburgh and my mum was paying. With all this going on I dunno. I know it could take along time to get to court etc but this has been the worst week of my life. I don't know if going back to work might be better? Try and pretend to everyone I'm ok?!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 11:21amReport post

Not long waken up morning ladies spoke to my hubby last night he has got my letter and said it made him cry but understand my feeling and he wanted a photo or me and the dog lol,, he was happier case he said I looked well on the photo,, so want the 4 Feb to come now want it over and know what we facing,, so more washing to get done sitting on my bed at this moment sorting the cloths out,, I feel lighter hearted today that its going to be a good day xxx

Sending u lots of love Lou xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 2:45pmReport post

Vickie the 4th feb is when my husband has to go back to answer his bail? Not quite sure what happens?. I've just made myself worry a lot more reading one of the social services threads. I get the impression a lot of women on here have children a lot younger. I'm going to try and look at it from the internet point of view. I know I will find it incredibly hard not to say my husband wouldn't hurt my son. I know he hasn't ever, my god if I had the slightest feeling he had we would of confronted all that wouldn't we!. I just think this draconian approach by the ss is ridiculous. My god my son is taller than my husband, he's nearly 16, my daughter 18. I would of thought if my husband was to sneak in his room at night my son would belt him one!! That's why I think all the safeguarding stuff is so conflicting in my head!. And like I keep saying, the police bailed him here! And that was 10 days ago! The ss can't be thinking my husband is a huge risk yet they haven't even spoke to me since the knock! Jesus my husband is a broken man, full of remorse and so desperately upset, like he's actually gonna then do anything to my son! Sorry I'm rambling! Vickie I'm glad to see you had some sleep, bet you feel better for that don't you love?. We did a big food shop today so I now have meals planned for the whole week. I've got a counselling assesment in the morning and my husband has one next week. Hope you ladies are ok? I had a long bout of crying this morning. So so much in my head

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 3:35pmReport post

Yes feeling a lot better I am currently reading porn trap and feeling I getting a good understanding,, yes I have done a good shop to and now slowly getting the house in order and a good route for us all,, so new week new goals,,

Sending u all big hugs and love x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 7:03pmReport post

Thank you Vickie, I'm having a bad night. Lots of tears, I'm really struggling with the " what ifs" you know like with ss, court case, prison, the papers, money omg everything. I sent my husband both my letters I wrote, I poured everything out. All the things I'm feeling and how I can't understand why he's done what he's done. I'm struggling as it's so hard to see why he wouldn't think " I've done something illegal and I could get caught". It really is like an addiction to heroin isn't it or any other addiction. It overcomes you. He says he was weak. I'm finding it hard to get that in my head. I'm hoping counselling will help me and him. At the end of the day though nothing will help until we know what a judge will do or if it ends up in the paper. I mean if we could stop it all getting in the papers then all these women on here could cope somehow couldn't they?

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 7:25pmReport post

I think that's a big thing for me the papers but I look at it this way at the moment we have lock down so things are quite so it might be less like to be in the papers,,

I undstand the what ifs,, the buts,, the maybes,, but a very wise women thro this told me its wasted engery because we can't go back and change it,,

The porn trap book has really help me I only got it today and can't put it down and I think it is really good at explaining it and yes it's like drugs,, drink,, or even cigarette u smoke 5 a week then 10 a week next u know ur smoking 20 a day ur chancing that high its not right but well its explain to something easier to understand then u can start to understand if that makes sense xxx

Sending u big big hugs and lots of love be kind to urself xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 7:48pmReport post

I go on about them all the time but please watch the 3 videos on fight the new drug as they will explain alot and its laid out simply honestly that saved my sanity and my marriage xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 7:49pmReport post

Are they on u tube lee x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 7:56pmReport post

I'm not sure but if you go on their website they are there and are free xx it shows scientific research about the brain and what it can do to relationships and the last one is about society and the real truth behind the porn industry xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 9:25pmReport post

Thank you Lee and Vickie, you've helped calm my mind tonight. Believe me you have really helped this last week so thank you!. I have my counselling phone call in the morning and thankfully I'm not at work. Got another week on parental leave but actually looks like I'll be furloughed, loads of us have again so that's a blessing. Not sure I have the energy for work to be honest

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun January 17, 2021 9:45pmReport post

Anytime my lovely xx look through the forum there are ways of reaching out that are so beneficial to people like us that have no support apart from each other xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 7:21amReport post

Morning ladies, I woke up with the usual dread and anxious feeling. I reread that Belinda Winder paper at about 5.30! I've still not had a phone call from ss.It's been 12 days since the knock. Yesterday we put a porn blocker app on my husbands phone, it's good, it flags up so many things now and he can't look at any websites that are porn or porn related and I have the password . He's also deleted Facebook.plus we have nothing else in the house as the police took the laptop! I'm just trying to prempt what the social will do. I'm going to sit my son down in a day or so and have a really good talk with him. God everything in that Belinda winder research is so relevant, wish I could get the ss to read it before they even talk to me. I'm hoping we can carry on with the police restrictions of no unsupervised contact. We have to go back to the police station on the 4th feb to answer bail, not sure what will happen though? Does his bail just get extended or will they charge him if they've got into his phone and laptop. I'm blimmin tired this morning

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 10:53amReport post

Morning ladies

Spoken to my hubby last night got more things off my chested to him and then had a rubbish night's sleep,,

Up and dressed now to go and pick my daughter up and have a good day very tired so think I need a load of coffee wish me well lol x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 11:08amReport post

Morning love, Vickie that's good you talked to your husband I hope it helped. I had the assesment with a counsellor this morning. She was brilliant, lots of tears from me but I told her everything that's happened this week and my extreme anxiety and stress with it all. I have therepy starting next week, CBT therepy and she's emailing me some calm breathing techniques. My husband also has an assessment with the same team next week so he'll see where that takes him. We are gonna sit and do the stop so counselling referal too as I think that will really help him. Still no call from the ss! I'm not gonna chase them but it's been 12 days now!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 11:19amReport post

Hi ladies xx louise have you spoken to anyone from ss at all? Sorry I cant remember xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 11:22amReport post

Oh that's good news hun glad ur both getting help thats the next step,,

I have done a listened of steps I am taking and ticking them off as we go,, yes talking to each other is really helping us both understand triggers that we both are already aware of that may of course us to get to this point,,

The books are helping loads and the paper belinda sent its all good information,, then once finished the books then on to the video lee said to watch,,

Then going to make a action play to go forward a long side my child protection plan x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 11:53amReport post

Lee, no they haven't rang me apart from the initial phone call on the day of the police coming round. I just think if they were that concerned they'd of been in touch sooner. I think with me having a son nearly 16 and my daughter 18 then really I think it's low risk ( obviously I'm not gonna say anything like that to them after reading all the stuff on here! In my mind and heart I'm 100% in support of my husband but I'll put on a show if needs be for them!). I exhausted after speaking with the therapist, Lots of tears. Think I'm just gonna potter round the house. I literally have a never ending pile of laundry! God knows why! My kids aren't going anywhere!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 11:56amReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Mon January 18, 2021 11:59am

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 12:29pmReport post

Louise it took 3 weeks for them to contact me after 1st arrest so dont think age comes into it just think they are overstretched. He then came out saw my 9 year old for 2 mins and then spent 20 mins with me that was it!! Was put on a child in need plan that I never saw and didnt hear from him for 2 months!! Xx so dont look into it too much and just be prepared with a plan for when they eventually turn up. Is your husband at home? Xx

LizzeLou

Member since
January 2021

18 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 12:33pmReport post

My referral was based on the fact that the 'child' in the conversation was a similar age and gender to my children. The police told me it was an urgent referral and that SS would be in contact within 24 hours, which they were. SS are given the recommendation of how and when to act. It sounds like you might not hear back, hope not. X

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 1:07pmReport post

Lee, I think that's it isn't it they are overstretched. My husband is at work but yea he's home. I just think it's really playing in my mind. I've done steps now for when they come. Done the porn blocker thing and I've wrote stuff down you know ideas just struggling with the thoughts in my head

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 1:13pmReport post

Lizzie, my husband has looked at indecent images and downloaded them the police must of looked at activity from his IP address. He is a broken man, honestly it's so upsetting to see and how he knows he's ruined my life, he's incredibly remorseful and will plead guilty. He's never gone in chat rooms, never shared stuff, never tried to engage with a child nothing. For him he says it's an addiction and he was weak. We were talking today and he said if he'd known there was help or seeked help he could of tried. I wish he'd told me I really do. So you reckon the ss may not come round? They may not deem my son a high risk? We have to go back to the station on the 4th feb to answer bail. I'm guessing it will be extended?

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 1:16pmReport post

Lizzie can I just ask you know when you said ss are given the recommendation on when and how to act, do you mean from the police?. I mean my husband was bailed here so surely they would of done different if the police saw him as high risk? It's just so confusing.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 3:10pmReport post

Louise the thoughts are so normal especially at the beginning of this so write them down they may never get answered but at least they are out of your head my lovely. It's all consuming at the start but it does calm down I promise. And just keep working together and individually as that will show that you are being protective towards your children. Understanding triggers and signs of this behaviour can really help so write them down too and he is being open with you . Hopefully the therapy will help get some of that crap out of your head but make sure you have your down time ok xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 4:29pmReport post

I defo a agree with Lee if was not for Lee advice and others I would not be where I am now,,, write the done I made heading with my question I had for my husband then write them done,, question I had ss,,, then questions for stop it now,,

The I write my feels down,, I have brought my self A4 size day to day dairy and each day I the end of it I am going to write in it how I am doing and how I am feeling where I feel I am going,,,

This is all so for my daughter when she old another to understand xxx

Hope everyone is OK send love and hugs xxx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 4:40pmReport post

Thank you girls, I've had an email back about the safer lives counselling for my husband. If we can stretch the finances I think it looks really good plus they can do a letter for court putting all the therapy he does if he goes on the programme. My daughter had some good news today, she's got through the first stage of interviews for a course she wants to do! Next step face to face one a little later in the academic year ( probably when lockdown is done!) just need to sort my sons next steps for after he finishes school!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 4:58pmReport post

Oh louise that sounds good!! My husband has his consultation tomorrow for the Aurora project after he had a video call with the amazing belinda winder. He came off that video call in tears as for the first time in 10 years that someone actually cares about him and understands!! Xx and great news for your daughter!! Xx see in this pile of crap there can still be happiness we actually laugh more as a couple and a family than we ever did!! Yes unbelievable but it can happen xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 5:21pmReport post

It is great news I am going to ring the aruoa project tomorrow,,

I nearly finished my book wow how my brain has changed to the understanding x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 5:25pmReport post

Oh Lee that sounds really positive for your husband and that he feels someone is supporting him!. I really thought that research paper Belinda did was brilliant. Wish it could be used in court! Or with the ss!, it certainly feels like children's services need a shake up!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 5:28pmReport post

Also Lee in the last week this happened I've hugged my husband a lot more! We never made time for each other normally! Always rushing around doing stuff! Both work full time, both knackered most of the time! You know life getting in the way eh!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 5:29pmReport post

Vickie wow you read that book fast!!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 5:32pmReport post

Lee is that Aurora project a counselling programme? I wonder if it would be good for my husband, is it free? The one I got info about today is £600 eeeek!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 5:36pmReport post

Louise life takes over and we take each other for granted that's life!! And intimately it was rare and just going through the motions and he wasnt there with me but now wow what a difference!! He is with me completely and totally on all levels I cant explain but have talked to others and they all say the same thing!! When you watch the videos it explains about the intimacy and it opened my eyes to what it really should be. And affection is so important before this I was asking for cuddles as I needed reassurance but the roles have reversed and my husband needs that and is very open with his emotions never seen a man cry so much and makes me love him even more!! Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 5:53pmReport post

The thing is me and my husband always have had a great relationship, intimacy was always there ( if you know what I mean!) and the side of him I've just found out this week I never knew. He just hid it away, we've been together over 25 years! But he said it was so easy for him to get addicted to porn, like a total separate thing, kind of obbessed with saving photos. I do believe now looking at this situation he has ocd tendencies to do with photos. I think aswell seeing him totally broken this week and crying makes me want to hold him and support him more. He's so distraught that he thinks he's ruined my life and right now yes it has as I am a physical wreak. I think you or Vickie said it's like PTSD after the knock or I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown or burn out. Having said that I do not ever want to be separated from him ( I mean that's in the hands of a judge but you know what I mean!) before the 7th January we were planning what to frames to buy for the lounge ( just finished decorating!) I had wrote out New Years resolutions ( probs not stick to them!) and we'd just celebrated my daughters 18th. And now I'm sat here a total wreak!

Edited Mon January 18, 2021 5:54pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon January 18, 2021 6:50pmReport post

See that's the thing my husband had a problem staying standing( if you know what I mean!!) and he was like that when I met him and he said its something that has always happened so never thought anything of it!! But when we did get intimate it was like he wasnt in the room but now very different story!! But for us it's the affection that really was missing as he couldnt be affectionate. It's actually amazing how addiction affects all aspects of their life it becomes their reality and nothing else matters xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue January 19, 2021 8:29amReport post

Morning ladies, Lee even though your going through all this crap it looks like your husband is turning a corner. I had a really hard day yesterday, lots of tears in the day when I had my counselling assessment then lots of tears with my husband. Woke up at 2am then unsettled all night. Think I may just really try and chill today and not do much research. These last few days I've been bombarding myself, googling everything, I'm exhausted

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue January 19, 2021 9:47amReport post

Morning ladies hope all is settling I know that may seam silly,,

The book has made me look at things in different ways I just thro I was not enjoying imatices or I was just thro I was just very uncomfortable in my body if this makes sense and my reading the book it has not only made me understand my husband behavior but it's made me look at my own behavior,,,

I never had good experience with partners and showing affections is very hard for even holding hands makes me shake,, but then reading the book and understand why I feel the way I do about it and the age I was when first seeing it or experiencing it has had me understand why I am the way I am not who I want to be and hold back on this area of my life which is down to lot of bad experiences and then thinking men did not care so I started using them like I felt they had used me,, good there is so much to all this but I am now working on this and please this is not me blaming myself this is understanding even knowing we lived together we where worlds apart and he has started opening up about his difficulties with this area not standing up for long and other things and has admitted to been in a lot of chat talking about the subject and how this made him feel sorry for the long post xx x

Lots of love and hugs xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue January 19, 2021 10:16amReport post

Louise take a day away from here and researching the brain can overload and too much info all at one time can mess with your head xx also just deal with 1 thing at a time and look after you I think the therapy can open the flood gates that cant be closed again( I wont do it til this is over as I need to focus on the legal crap first). Ao today put you first my lovely xx

Vickie iii totally get that my past relationships were messy and a couple were violent and actually my last 5 relationships were all addicts( what does that say about me???) and my confidence was at its lowest when I met my husband so he had alot to take on aswell as his own demons. This does make you wake up to your relationship and now we are so strong as we both mend individually and as a couple xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue January 19, 2021 10:38amReport post

Lee thank you so much, you're right I do need to step away from the research!. I think the main think on my mind right now is the ss haven't got in touch and I'm in limbo.

Mine and my husbands life has been good, best friends, good family times, arguements of course but you don't get through 25+ years together without them eh! We went to school together and I've known him since I was 14

he discovered porn at an early age, maybe aged 10 or 11. Fast forward to the internet and it's there on a plate eh!. He would open his computer of an evening and it was easier to while away the hours looking at porn than it was to do another hobby, he said he became addicted but it did not effect his life at all, like he'd be totally normal with me and the kids, normal family life. He would just bury it away in his head. He started looking for more risky porn and this is where we've ended up. We talked about if he'd known about help years ago he would of done it. I wish he'd told me

I may get in touch with a couple of solicitors. At the moment it's just the duty solicitor. We asked if he had dealt with these cases before and he said yes 100s and 100s so I dunno, may be good to get like a second option. You can get a free consultation so maybe. I felt horrible last night, that feeling of panic, panic about the ss and panic about what's gonna happen. But then I think well now it's been 13 days and no contact from ss and I'm more informed as to how to deal with them

and then in the post I get a speeding fine!! Fgs! 36 in a 30! Wish that was all I had to worry about eh!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue January 19, 2021 10:44amReport post

That's it Lee bang on the money and I have know for years really that I need to deal with them but didn't know where to start,,

I have know made a doctors appointment to start and I think the book has high lighted a lot for me about both of us,,

And I don't want to live in my pasted anymore I want to live and make new memories and he has said the same and I know he has always loved me and still does but I need to learn to love myself and start being me not what I think people want me to be if that make sense so he I come this is me and if u don't like it then there's the door is going to be my new attitude x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue January 19, 2021 10:54amReport post

We tried to get help many times and there was none there it takes this for people to step up and help even now it's still a struggle unless you have money( my husband and daughter lost their jobs and I had to close down my business due to the livestream) so dont think about the what ifs i have spoken to others that knew about the addiction and they didnt get help either. And telling the person you love the most and dont want to ever let down that you watch porn or are talking to other women in chat rooms is impossible because of the pain it will cause and so the shame keeps going and they go deeper into that world it's a vicious circle xx

Ring round and get some ideas of what solicitors there are but these cases are everywhere and most have dealt with these cases but please remember solicitors wont do much until there are charges so be prepared for that. As for ss I know it's hard but try not to think about them contacting you as they can take weeks to contact you and you are prepared for what will happen regarding them and your children are aware that they will be spoken to xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue January 19, 2021 11:44amReport post

Your right Lee, my husband said he just couldn't face telling me so hid it and hid it well and like you say when you look into counselling now like I have there's help but you need money!. If I come out of this the other end it will be the biggest relief of my life, at the moment I feel horrible, feel desperate for my husband and just sick for what will happen to him. I've found the forum good but hard at the same time if that makes sense, seeing everyone's different experiences sometimes heightens my panic!. Does your husband have his court hearing soon Lee?, how are you coping with that?. Your grown up kids sound great and supportive. My husband just rang, he's sat at work on a break so he's writing everything on his notes on his phone starting from when he was 10! Everything that led him to this

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue January 19, 2021 12:27pmReport post

Lou I have decided that it's time to have a good clean and I mean a good clean to the point I got to book a pick up by my local council cause I have 7 black bags from house rubbish to things the kids no longer play with to cloths that don't fit us,,, so put some music on and now done my living and kitchen then going to do the kids rooms then that should lead to dinner time the showers all round then bed and another over,, then start again tomorrow thinking might sort my car out tomorrow so then I can take my dog for a good walk and my daughter can run around the field like x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 20, 2021 9:14amReport post

Vickie, hope you got some of your house sorted! I'm struggling to motivate myself today. I said to my husband I'd leave my phone upstairs and ignore it all day but I'm finding it hard to do that!. Can't stop blimmin googling articles and looking for best and worst case scenarios. Then when I do mundane stuff it's still constantly on my mind. It's the limbo isn't it, the hardest thing I've ever done is this limbo. I want the ss to ring me but I don't if that makes sense! I feel at the moment they are the worst thing to get through! Which to me is crazy as I have done nothing wrong. I cling to hope when I read articles about conditional cautions then I read stuff on the opposite end about getting custodial sentences. I've wrote great huge lists of mitigating circumstances for my husband that we hope our solicitor will use then I panic thinking the solicitor won't emphasise it at court. Maybe I should just physically turn my phone off!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 20, 2021 2:06pmReport post

I understand its hard not to look and not to think about but u keep doing it will drive u mad Lou,,, plus is wasted engery that u are going to need down the line,,

Like a wise lady told me u need to be kind to urself and need to take social media away and start looking at what infornt of u,,, I have started putting my phone away if I don't need then I can't Google I still and we watch a movie,, this is tonight plan,,,

Wait for my eldest to come back from school cuddle on the sofa phone goes a way,, dinner cooking or take away,, then we watch another film 3 on all taking turns to choose one,, then we have showers put pj's on and then settle both kids down they have a story or hour on their TV then bedtime and another day done,,

For ss contacting u take this time to do all ur children protection plan,, ur changes,, talking with the kids,, then have a glass of wine and try to relax and enjoy what u got and try and save ur engery for when they do come sending big hugs and lots of love xx X

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 20, 2021 3:19pmReport post

Vickie thank you so much, I had a real wobble this morning and then for a few hours I've not looked at stuff!. Instead I've ordered some prints for my lounge, we decorated not so long ago, we have a dog so thought " hey let's get velvet sofas" mad or what! She's doing very well at not going on the sofa! She loved our old leathers ones!. I'm now slobbed watching tipping point! Sad or what!. I think like you say it really does help not looking at stuff constantly. I can't change what's gonna happen in the next few weeks or months but I really need to look after myself as these last few days have felt like a nervous breakdown. I've been furloughed now from work so that's a relief. Can't face it at the moment

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 20, 2021 3:36pmReport post

Like I said it takes time and u do have to be kind to urself,, yes our husband have done what they have done but that does not define them if we went around doing that what kind of place would we live in yes the behaviour is wrong but also not talking about and not learning from it,,, this is the best way of protection by learning some individual cant and they go on to do worse things,,,

But remeber the past is the past,,

The present is hard but if its worth grabbing then grab it

I think of the furture as blanket pages and ready for me to write my furture to be what I want it to be xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 20, 2021 3:51pmReport post

Vickie that's really really good advice, thank you, the present for me right now is horrible but I am right beside my husband. I love him and want to help him get through all this. I mean I feel awful, physically and mentally but he is a million times worse but at the same time he deals with stress better! I don't, I just fall apart!. I think the lockdown is a terrible blessing in disguise eh!, it means I have one less thing to worry about, work!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 20, 2021 5:22pmReport post

That's it Lou I know it's sounds really silly but I have been buying 4 fac mask and when having a rubbish day once I have done dinner I put one in the fridge for 10 mins shower kids settle them down and then get my face mask and put it on and relax with a cold glass of Pepsi max in bed watching a film or the soaps,,

Silly as it is makes me so relaxed and makes my skin feel good to,, also giving myself some care and love to x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu January 21, 2021 8:26amReport post

Morning ladies, hope you are ok. I had a better nights sleep last night although still wake up very very early and with that anxious feeling. It's been two weeks today since we got the knock. We have to go back to the police station on the 4th feb for my husband to answer bail, I've no idea what happens on that day?. Will he be charged?. I don't feel postive today but also I don't feel like crying as much. I feel like I'm slightly more able to cope, sleep really does help doesn't it although I'm definately not as bouncy and energetic as before all this happened. May strip the beds today and blitz the bathroom!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu January 21, 2021 3:37pmReport post

Yes sleep defo helps and that's like I said I have got myself into a little routin that once kids are feed and in bed watching TV its me time,, and that

Things like watching some TV

Having a nice bath or shower and clean pj's and fresh bedding,,

Having cuddles with the kids and winding down before bed so no TV or phone half hour or so before turning in,,

I have found using a face mask once a week before bed really has been relaxing,,

If these don't help then phone ur gp I have medication for my anxiety and to help me sleep to it works a dream xx

Big hugs and love xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu January 21, 2021 7:25pmReport post

Thanks Vickie you're very kind! I'm going to defo try the no phone thing. I am terrible for looking at my phone before bed!. I did get diazepam from the docs but only used it a few times. I've downloaded a meditation app called headspace so hoping it will help calm my head!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu January 21, 2021 7:52pmReport post

Your welcome hun am a over thinker about everything from what to have to dinner,,

To how to handle the whole of this and what people are going to think about me and that I must be mad to have him back,, but I there we go that what I am like and whether people like me and if I text someone and they don't text me back I am like,,

What have I done wrong,,

Did I say something wrong,,

And so on my over thinking is a killer but I think councillor should teach me how to handle my throughs,, people never understand anxiety or depression till they have it,,

Fear is the worst feeling in the world but if I let it in then I going to be no good to anyone just another stressful day xx

Sending big hugs and lots of love x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 10:08amReport post

Hi ladies!! Sorry been so quiet had some big decisions to make over last couple of days and been having a few wobbles xx how are you both feeling today? Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 11:14amReport post

Mentally tired lee could sleep for a month,,

But on the other side feeling a lot better my partner has amited to having a drinking problem and has told his mental health worker how much he was drink,, which I really glad that he now said he amited to it out loud and has started getting help for it,,

I had a wobble last night had to go to his cousins yesterday and she asked me if I was supporting him and how could I it wrong and should have nothing to do with him but not in so many words like but I know what she meant like,,, which in turn then made me think am I doing the right thing,,

I felt like screaming and saying he still the kind, caring loving man,, and she made bad choices and people stand by her thro it but I just not go the engery to fight with her so just nodded and left,,

I love him and that's all that matters is my unit and no body else on the plus side he is seeing probation today,,

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 12:27pmReport post

Vickie is any of his family supporting him? It shocks me how many people walk away without actually remembering the while person? Why does this one thing define a person?? Xx I'm the same all that matters is what my kids think I couldnt care less about anyone else because they should trust my judgement in that by standing by him I know he is not a bad man xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 12:29pmReport post

Lee, I hope you are ok, I'm so sorry your having wobbles, it's horrible isn't it. What's happening with your husband? Have you been to court yet, is that coming up soon. God all these women in these horrendous situations is just awful isn't it. I'm not really good today either, lots of crying. I'm thinking the worst with everything, today it's financial. Like all the scenarios running through my head. If he goes to prison he'll loose his job. He's on a good wage so instantly I would need to deal with that. I'm trying to plan ahead for the worst things happening and it's making me worse. In reality he could get a community order and maybe shpo so I'm looking at the implications of that. Generally though it's that feeling of why has he risked looking at iioc and why couldn't he see if he got caught the devastation it could cause. He keeps saying he was weak and the addiction and obsession took over but I'm struggling with that

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 12:33pmReport post

And that's it Vickie isn't it, society do not see the details of this sort of thing. It's like I haven't told my mum, she will be devasted and will find it incredibly hard to support my husband. Like the actual act of looking at an iioc would be repulsive to her and to anyone really but now I've done all this research I'm understanding why these men do it. But I'm not understanding why they would risk absolutely everything to do it. I know it's an addiction but I think it will be very hard to convince a judge, the police, the media to see it that way

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 1:03pmReport post

Louise my husband went not guilty due lack of evidence and dealing with crap evidence from 6 decoys ( all vigilantes) but as of 14th jan we now have all evidence only taken 11 months!! But there is evidence of 3 on his phone so our barrister is going to cps that he will plea guilty for those 3 and asking them to drop the 3. She thinks there is a good chance they will do it as they will look at if it's in the public interest to go to trial for the other 3 which if they use their brains it's not 1 because of the money it costs to go to trial and 2 due to covid it will be 12-15 months before the trial would happen so more waiting for a decision!! Also we found out he still has credit so we need to take that into account. We cant do this for another 15 months and the outcome could be alot worse as it would be a jury trial and as we all know society would see him guilty even before seeing any evidence!! Sorry for essay but our case is very complicated as we have an ongoing investigation and the oic is abusing the process so I have made an official complaint against her which has been progressed and I wint rest until she is dealt with properly. She has made allegations regarding both my daughters that have both been proven false but no one cares about the effect it has had on my children xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 1:54pmReport post

That's it none cares about the facts that can lead up to this all I get is that does not make it right,, no get it does not make it right but when we are dealing with mental health and drink and other issues then how can anyone say they would not do something wrong,,,

Humans are so quick to judge and especially people that have done wrong OK the topic is what people can't understand but I just see it that if they want less affends in the further help them in the being and help the family's to help them instead of throwing them in a dark whole and saying we don't want u in our life's if that makes sense,,

My partner finally gets to see probation today then court the 4 Feb then hope can start,, I always thro he had a good supportive family but turns at maybe not as supportive as I thro his mom is trying and his step dad is to but others just don't talk,, I daughter just wants her dad in her life and my son to but people keep saying I just don't know how u can,,,

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 3:46pmReport post

Omg Lee!! That is one hell of a tonne of crap to deal with for you, those vigilante groups need to be dealt with by the law!. They are disgusting, they totally ruin lives and have no regards for their actions! All the rubbish about " protecting children" is pathetic! They ruin children's lives and tear families apart! I hate hate hate them. Do vigilante members ever get charged themselves? You know for even trespassing or abuse against people?. They whip communities into a Facebook frenzy without solid evidence. You've had such a long and terrible time haven't you. Go's I really feel for you

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 3:52pmReport post

Vickie I think you've been incredibly strong through your ordeal, as for your husbands wider family they need to put themselves in your shoes. It's all too easy saying " yeah I'd Chuck him out, why you still with him" but really when you face a situation like this it's not that easy is it!. I love my husband, simple. I mean we've had some very dark conversations and he's even said he'll go for good ( take his own life) so it's easy for me but that's not is it. He knows deep down he wouldn't do that but the remorse in him right now is horrible. If we can come out the other side of this I know we will be ok

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 4:56pmReport post

That's my point thank Lou people don't understand they just think u can turn it all of and walk away,, plus I know there is more to this than just the conversation,, if he had done it and he's mental had not been the way it was then maybe I might of thro of it different if he had not amited to having a other addiction then again I might have thro different but when got married I said for sickness and health so that's what this part of life is getting him thro it to understand and getting his health back if that makes sense,,

Its about breaking the stigma and educating people about things and how to change lives and doing what's right for the individual and the family to me that protecting to me and supporting him when he needs me the most because this way I can look out for my kids to instead of cutting him off and my daughter goes looking for him when she older hope this makes some sense,,

Sorry for the rant I think I finding it hard to stop seeking approval from other,, I think I want to hear its OK for u to do this like xxx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 11:05pmReport post

Spoken to my hubby tonight and probation have been and asked him what his solicitor was going to put forward to the judge at the sentencing hearing and he said he has the solicitor said he was going for a non custody sentence and the probation said ok if that the case then they would say about community care order and the SOR,, but he has no address to go to and then probation said that could make it harder,, does anyone on here no how much weight probation carry towards what the judge can make decision,,

Many thanks lots of love and hugs hope all OK xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri January 22, 2021 11:46pmReport post

Hi hun probation hand over their recommendation to the judge and I have seen judges that have listened and oned that havent it really is all down to the judge on the day. May I ask why has he given no address? I'm sure you have said but cant remember xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 9:13amReport post

Because of the first charges I said he could not come home and then when we found out it was this charge I stopped putting everything in place,, but I don't know if ss will let him return that why he said he has not address,,

Hope ur OK Lee x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 9:56amReport post

Morning ladies, Vickie do you want your husband to live at home with you? Can the ss reassess you if that was the case. I feel werid today, really down. To the outside world nothing is going on in my life, no one knows apart from my brother but I feel this enormous pressure. I'm also struggling to just carry on as normal. It's the constant thoughts in my head about what he's done. I mean I'm understanding why as in porn addiction etc but just struggling with how he could carry on, like why didn't the fear of getting caught not overtake the addiction. If I was doing something so bad and I knew deep down it would ruin my families life, wouldn't I stop?! This is so hard

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 10:35amReport post

I do want him here but I don't know if ss will allow it,, do u have any bad habits,, I am a smoker so I understand addiction I know I should not smoke because its bad for you,, but I also have very bad asthma plus allergy asthma so my lungs get a ready hard time but smoking helps me manage my stress and calms,, whilst going thro this I was smoking even more and I could not breath and that when I made my decision I have been smoking for at least 15 years on and off but it scared the life out of me when I couldn't walk up stairs to get my inhalers,, so I think I had crashed and hit bottom and I think that's the problem till we hit bottom what ever the addiction is we live in denial that's it affecting us or hurt us and then it cross over and does affect the person then we see the harm we are causing,, hope that u can make some sense of what I trying to say,,

Hun big hugs and be kind to urself xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 11:25amReport post

Morning ladies xx vickie when was the last time you had contact with ss? If you want him home then you have to tell them that and technically they cant atop him coming home but they can take you to family court where they would have to prove that the children are at significant harm in the home( I have seem a few cases where this has happened and ss have lost) but it is a battle and its if you have the strength to go through that. Also showing the authorities that a safety plan will be in place goes in your favour. Xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 11:40amReport post

Louise understanding addiction is extremely hard especially when you dont have addictive tendencies. But this is one of the most dangerous addictions as it's one that is the most isolating as you cant do it with others and so the shame and guilt is all consuming and that's why they keep doing it as it makes them feel better for a split second it's a vicious circle until they hit their personal rock bottom. But they dont know their rock bottom until they hit it and then it can be too late( as in our cases). Addiction is escaping their reality for whatever reason and so they dont think about the consequences of their actions to them they need a fix to escape. That's why it's nothing to do with us and how our relationships are I always say I could be the most famous porn star in the world but he still would be a porn addict because of his traumas, insecurities, life etc but it took 8 years and this crap to make me truly understand addiction and it's nothing to do with me. That's why they have to take accountability xx you are new to this journey and everything your feeling will calm down slowly so just take it a day at a time and keep talking as that is what will help you get through this my lovely xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 12:16pmReport post

Thank you Vickie that's really helped me start to understand. I drink too much red wine. Like I could easily drink every night but I don't but with my husband I'm starting to understand. I understand his addiction I really do but it's the illegal bit that's hard. But then I think well if I was addicted to heroin or gambling, like so far gone with the addiction it would be hard to stop and addicts don't think at the time that they could loose their house, family, life, job. Me and my husband are trying to do normal stuff today. Food shop, dog walk etc etc. I struggle with the anxiety of it all first thing in the mornings, I have a crying session every morning but actually when I start doing stuff I'm ok. In fact I'm gonna write my own to list, there's a million things that need doing in the house! And my daughter had just come to me and said " mum can we change my room around"! So that ain't a 5 minute job eh! Teenage girl plus a tonne of clothes that need sorting!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 12:20pmReport post

Lee thank you so much, you've really explained it so much better than all my googling has done! I'm so grateful to be able to talk on here like this. I hope you are ok today? How's your little girl doing? Are you coping with home schooling! God I hope schools open before Easter but it's looking more and more unlikely eh! I made my daughter go for a dog walk with me the other day, she's like a vampire! Moaning about the sun light!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 1:25pmReport post

louise it's very difficult to get your head round this as with any addiction but this one involves something that in our eyes just involves you and your husband and should be private and just ours. I still struggle with the thought of women having videos of my husband pleasuring himself as that is just for me no one else but the one thing that gets me through is that now after so many years I can say that he isnt that man anymore and he proves that to me every day xx my daughter is getting a bit better but now a custodial is on the cards I know she will struggle with that but thankfully my sw is getting her therapy just waiting for funding and home schooling is going slowly due to how she is but the school are brilliant and totally understanding. I think you are doing so well hun so please give yourself a break and do something for you I know that's hard but this is one time you have to become selfish ( which is hard as a mum and wife) but you need to protect yourself and your mental health xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 7:22pmReport post

I have been reading this forum for weeks now. I just can't bring myself to start a new thread but I wanted to say something about what I am going through. My husband was arrested last month for of possession of iioc. Devices were all taken. We have young children so he is living elsewhere and has supervised contact. I supervise the contact. The contact cannot take place in our home. I would prefer it to be at home as we have no where to go apart from be outside and it's not nice or practical for the kids. The social worker has said it must not be here. I'm struggling with this. I'm struggling with the fact that she is going to inform the childcare settings of what is going on and I'm scared of the looks or thoughts staff may have when I collect my kids. I really want this all to go away. Will ss ever change these rules or see my kids as not at risk. I can't see my life ever feeling normal again. I just want there to be hope for my kids as we really had the perfect life and was so incredibly happy. Sorry to jump on this but I felt like I would never post at all if I had to make my own thread.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 7:57pmReport post

Hi Lee I last spoke to ss on the 13th January hun and I sent her my children protection plan last week all the thing I am doing and all the things my partner wants to do how its effecting the kids and still not hear from her,, thinking should I try and ring her Monday and tell her I want him home,,

Hope everyone is OK tonight sending love and hugs to all x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 8:32pmReport post

Did you get the data request? Or have I got you confused with someone else( I'm sorry if I have but I have so many journeys are in my head). Hun considering they are doing the pre sentencing report at the mo I think you need to talk to hubby about him saying he wants to come home. And then contact ss about him coming home as it could affect his report by having no address and actually the poor man does have an address!! Most shpos have the condition about not living in a house with children without ss being in agreement xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 9:18pmReport post

All I know Lee is that probation mention about the community treatment order but he then asked about coming home and probation said that don't get involved in that,, its down to ss,, and he he got no address he would just have to stay where he is until they can get him somewhere,, x hope that makes sense x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 9:32pmReport post

Yes makes sense so I would think contacting ss is your next move. Probation are right they dont get involved in that aspect they leave that up to ss and what is put in the shpo xx the one thing you need to know is that they have the correct info and not start on about your daughter again because that is false xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 9:41pmReport post

OK thanks lee I will try and ring her Monday and tell her I want him home I just worried about my neighbours kicking off like but hopefully we will be movi g soon so can start again like x

How are u doing lee x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 9:50pmReport post

Has it hit any media? And honestly all my neighbours know as they watched while he was filmed outside my home and we had only 1 small incident and minute I called the police I never heard a pip again( because there are drug dealers and the police turning up made their business at risk lol) and now I font speak to any of them apart from one who is like family to me and saved my life right at the beginning xx I will help you in any way that I can hun also I think probation do assess him but ss can assess him too or you can get an independant assessment too xx

I'm ok hun still waiting for cps decision to see if they will drop 3 charges and once we know hopefully things will start moving but we are preparing for a custodial xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 10:22pmReport post

No it's not hit the media but my one knows a bit like but I not spoke really to them since its all changed keep myself to myself,, so they defo think we could sort it really just need to stop been worried about what others think and live my life x

Will defo ring ss Monday and see what she says xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 23, 2021 10:36pmReport post

Well then hun just do you!! Dont worry about it hitting the media or neighbours I know that's hard but honestly hun you can do it . I know there are others that have been on here that have stood their ground and have just lived their life!! Xx let us know how it goes on monday and I'm sure you will stand your ground!! Tell them you only deal with the truth and the info they gave you was false and that they need to check exactly what his charges are before making judgements( which they shouldnt be doing) and actually doing their job of supporting you and your children xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 11:39amReport post

Had my first video call from my hubby this morning very emotional lots of tears both ways,,

Talked a lot said he really misses us and is really sorry about everything and wants to move forward but that's not going to happen till I can put my address forward for him,,

Heres to the next chapter x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 11:51amReport post

Vickie what is state of play with ss? Are you on a child in need, a child protection plan or is the case closed? Or are you in limbo with ss? Because that makes a difference in what you can and cant do xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 1:15pmReport post

Well when my partner was first arrest I said no contact and she OK,, then said she had to assessment and still waiting for that,, then I said about contact when I found out the charges had changed and she said she would have to talk to her manger because she did not know what to do and because my daughter had been spoken about in the conversation she felt it would be high risk and she was not happy to close the case on my daughter but she has not mentioned my son in that bit so I think we are limbo to what she doing I emailed her my child protection plan and other bits but still not heard anything from her,,

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 1:31pmReport post

Ok so your daughter was asked about and he replied her age and then nothing else? My daughter was spoken about just in a general way and ss never made any allegations concerning her so dont quite understand why your sw is making these assumptions. You need confirmation from his solicitor that there was no reference to your daughter that would be of any concern to her safety. Any info like that will come from the police and so ss cant make any more assumptions and that cant be brought into your case. Does that make sense? Xx have you anything in writing from ss? Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 2:07pmReport post

No I have nothing in writing from ss I know he said he said in the conversation he had feeling for her and didn't know if he would act on them,, when I asked him this he said he was just catfishing the other person person,, then I said this is me ur talking to and he admitted to using porn and it has got out of control,, I then said right now answer that question again he said it made him sick that he had said it,, he wanted attention sexual but he knows he done wrong wants help he is so remorsful,, he said he didnt like the person he was becoming using porn drinking, not taking his medication for depression and epilepsy,, then as soon as the words came out of his mouth he felt like he smash face first on the floor and reality tapped him on the shoulder and said hello,, then he said he didn't know where to turn or where to go then the knock came and he said he was calm because he saw that as the help that he need had came if that makes sense xx

Lee it's all so much of a mess xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 2:41pmReport post

He's also told me that before the knock he was using porn like every day and was neglecting his self he was just focused on getting the kids to school cause they both could still go in lock down cause I was a key worker,, then as soon as he got back he was on the porn site then looking for different things and more and more,, it comsumed him and it was all he could think about he could not think clear was not taking his medication cause he was not thinking clearly and then was drinking heavy he said to try and this just added to the problem then he has told me it happened so quickly and it's spiraled,, it was all he could think about was getting the next fit from it then I was off bad which he said he wanted to stop it but then he said it become a coping mechanism and then the next thing he know was the knock on the door which he said its made him face reality of what he has done and what he has losses,, he has spoken with mental health about not taking his medication and how this can lead to risky behaviour,, he owns what he has done but also wants to put it right with help and support xx

Edited Sun January 24, 2021 2:48pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 3:00pmReport post

Oh bugger!! But then the police have not charged him with anything to do with his daughter as they dont have enough evidence. But ss have jumped on that bit on the conversation and that's what you need to fight to prove he has no feelings towards her. I think you need to ring his solicitor and see what he says about moving forward with the address they know how ss work and he can advise how to move forward. But there isnt much that can be done until your sw gets back in touch with you. Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 3:11pmReport post

Do u think this is why the charge has come down the because the was no evidence for grooming towards her then does that make sense,,

See this is what I mean I defo going to ring solicitor and ss tomorrow and see how he can start to move forward,,

How are u doing lee xx

Do u know how I might prove that it was down to mental health like a assessment or do u think that why mental health have been in to see him in prison to put her report in if that makes sense x

Edited Sun January 24, 2021 3:17pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 3:38pmReport post

Yea definitely why the charges came down but speak to his solicitor as he should be able to verify that. So they have gone for a lesser charge but ss will be the issue probation will do an assessment on him before the sentencing to see what risk he Is but I have known ss not take much notice of that and they can do their own assessment but make sure it's an assessment by an independant assessor not a sw as most are not trained to do in depth assessments.



I'm ok hun hoping to have some news tomorrow so we can move forward with all this xx and to work on the mitigating circumstances and character references by me and the adult children and his sponsor. I'm debating about if the little one should write a letter for the judge? Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 3:49pmReport post

I am doing a statement for my partner,, how do I get independent assessment done but not by sw,,

I know his solicitor is pushing the megagting circumstance in this,, his parenter want to support but from a distance at the moment I don't know whether to get them to do one and about how he is as a person but then don't know if it would carry much weight like x

I just don't want this to rule him because he is a good person and do I have to tell the whole family all the facts about the case or is that our choice like x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 4:06pmReport post

Get his medical records as that will show his depression etc also any work he has done to understand and any places he has reached out for help. Try to get ss to get an assessment done but dont worry about that for now see what comes of the probation assessment first my lovely xx depending what happens the police will want to tell the family especially if there are children and if he will have contact with any of them xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 4:16pmReport post

I already told the police about his cousin child and gave them the contact details and stuff but the police never contacted them,,

His cousin does not want contact with him so would they still contact her,,

His mother and step dad do from a distance but don't want to know any details of the case,,

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 4:56pmReport post

Depending on the eventual outcome I would think they wouldn't contact the cousin if they want nothing to do with him as he wont be in contact with them. As for his parents I'm not sure hun but it will be his and your choice whether to keep them update with what has happened. We have kept my husbands updated but most the time they dont listen and i know him now pleading guilty will devastate them and will worry for him. But his mum has made a big thing about not letting his other family know( his brother and sister are the only ones that know and ss rang them regarding his bail conditions as they both have children). Ss also rang his parents because that's where he is bailed to xx wait til you speak to the solicitor and ss until deciding what to tell his parents i wouldnt worry about anyone else hun xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 5:13pmReport post

That's my problem I worry about everyone else options instead of my own but I am getting there lol,,

See I would of thro that if they had concerns they would of by now,,

I know my husband and he was born to be a dad,, I do really believe this is down to mental health and drinking, porn and how all this can affect one's life,,

Thank u lee so much because if u had not speaken to people on here I think I would of just given up,, xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 6:48pmReport post

Sorry to say I have no idea how any of them work and I dont think any of them do either!! They seem to make the rules up as they ho along with no thought of the effect on children and families xx just become selfish hun as it's the best way to protect you and your kids and must say I'm happier within myself since not giving a crap what anyone think about my choices and my life I feel more in control and alot stronger as I dont have time to deal with other peoples opnions and feelings about my life!! Xx

This forum helped me alot and thankfully I was able to reach out to others and have real friends in my life now that I dont have to hide anything from and we all support each other complete life saving!! Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 7:38pmReport post

Yes defo hun my biological family have had nothing to do with me and my kids because I choose that and I think I am in need of the same choose but I will not stop them seeing the kids because his family have done a lot for my son and daughter so that's fine I am adult and they can have a life with me and the kids apart from my partner if that makes sense I love him to bits,, he a great person but made a bad choose,, its time to open a new book with blank pages and write a new story here we come x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 8:24pmReport post

Evening ladies, hope you've had an ok Sunday, lots of snow here! Vickie you sound a lot more positive today!, it's shining through your posts!. I've had an ok day, I haven't cried at all, had a nice long dog walk and then chilled all afternoon, binge watched some dramas on catch up. I know I'm kind of in a bubble at the moment and it will get worse I fear but today has been ok

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 8:33pmReport post

Oh bless u Lou glad u have had a OK day hun,, its just making decisions of what I want from all this really and picking my battles and saving energy for them battles u will get there hun,,

Slowly slowly is best try not to think to far a head x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 9:24pmReport post

Louise be in a bubble we all are even after all this time I still have my bubble!! And I'm so happy you have had an ok day it sounds peaceful which you have needed xx vickie your strength is shining through my lovely xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 24, 2021 9:58pmReport post

Thank u both means so much its down to the form room and the strength we give each other to go forward,,,

Right I bid u goodnight sleep as well as u can lady's and see u all tomorrow send u all love of love and hugs xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 10:03amReport post

Morning ladies, god I wish I could stop looking for info!. I went on the family groups forum and now I'm in a right state thinking about children's services. I keep trawling and trawling through looking for anyone with children my age and husbands who've done the same thing so I can get abit of clarity. There's so many horror stories now I've scared myself stupid. Loads of families seem to have a lot younger children. I can't find anyone with a 16 year old and 18 year old. Ss haven't rang me at all yet and we are going back to answer bail on the 4th. I'm not chasing ss, if I'm honest I'm hiding. I'm ringing my broadband provider today to do the parental block thing on our internet and my husband has a porn blocker app on his phone. I need to set one up on his phone though so I have the password. I don't know what else to do, like when they do get in touch how do I come across to them? I just keep thinking to myself my husband has 100% not touched my kids ever and if he was to do now like the ss seem to imply, my husband would get a massive punch in the face from my son! He's as tall as him! So how do I approach it! God I wish I hadn't done research!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 12:14pmReport post

Hi louise first of all just breathe..... right as you finding someone with same age children with the same crime ja difficult but even if you do find someone it doesnt mean that you will have the same experience or outcome. There is no consistency across the board with ss, the police and the justice system and it can drive you mad trying to find similar. Every journey is different but the one thing that is consistent is that we all know how we feel and understand the overwhelming emotions. As for the ages of your children I remember 1 case where the daughter was 15 and ss were harsh but I think that was more to do with it being a girl and the crime involved girls. Ss have to take into consideration if it was girls or boys in the iioc as that's the logical way to look at it. As for your 18 yr old they will want to establish that ahe has not been in any harm so until they chat with your children there isnt much you can do. For now just chat with your children and make them aware of things they will be asked and just to be honest and forthright with their thoughts about what has happened. As for the blockers on phone there are 2 that are accountability apps which are more appropriate because they cover all aspects of the phone and take the pressure off you they are convenant eyes and accountable2you check them out. We have had both and I must say accountable2you is brilliant covenant eyes is a bit hit and miss and expensive. Accountable2you covers everything on the phone any activity of any kind and you can have more than 1 device xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 12:29pmReport post

Morning lady's feeling emotion my daughter went to her nans the weekend and dad phoned me saying my daughter was very upset and had been crying,,, I asked if she wanted to come home,, he said no she wants to know when she can speak to her dad or is she going to have a new daddy because her daddy is not coming home this has really hurt,, I tried ringing ss like always don't get answer,, dad sat with her and cuddled her and told her not to worry but she said to my father in law my heart hurts because my dad can't be with me and mommy,, this is a 4 year old talking and we don't talk about him around her what can I do she started calling out in her sleep for him to,,,

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 12:41pmReport post

Oh vickie bless her. Are you ringing a direct number for your sw? If so get the number for their offices and ring them and get someone to actually listen!! They need to wake up and see the impact on the children. They need to do their job so children can start to understand what is happening in their little lives xx do you talk to her about daddy? Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 1:04pmReport post

Yea I do,, I don't believe in blocking him out,, she has just rang and I have tried explaining that I believe this is down to his mental health and she basic gone to town on me saying that for him to say what he saying it's always been a part of him he always had these feeling,,, she don't believe that his mental health has any part of it,, she has big concerns,, I asked her what she know and she said nothing only what I am telling her,, she just does not believe that not taking his medication would lead to this without them feelings already been there

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 1:09pmReport post

When you asked what she knows what did you mean because it sounds like she doesnt know much!! Xx she is making decisions on her views not by doing her job. Did you ask about assessments? How has it been left is she coming to see you? Xx what is his medication for? I will giggle and see what I can find xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 1:31pmReport post

I asked about the assessment and she said she needs to fouces on it and will try and ring me back by the end of today if not today then tomorrow,, I asked her if she know what the Mash term had said to me on the day of the arrest and she said she know nothing only what I had told her,, then she told me to Google the kik and its about,, I then tried explain about him been on medication for mental health and he was drinking and not taking his medication and how this can lead to risky behaviour and she said sorry I don't believe that without them feelings all ready been in place,, why would he look for it if he did not feel that way in the first place,,, then she said adults can have contact with my partner but she thinks it's to high risk for contact with children,, I don't know where to turn to ,,,

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 1:37pmReport post

I wouldn't bother trying to explain about medication and mental health that's dangerous territory with ss as they will think your not seeing the risk. I know it's hard but she needs to do direct work with all of you especially your children. Is the case closed or are you on a plan? And if there was any concerns regarding your children by the police then they should be interviewing him and investigating that and they arent!! Xx you are going to have a fight on your hands but they xant stop him coming home but they can take you to family court where they would have to prove your child is at risk xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 1:41pmReport post

Lee she been out once everything else has been over the phone or what'sapp video calls,, I just getting to a point I don't want to talk to her,, just rang the helpline cause I just feel it always leaves me broken and not having any support,, I not asking for him to come home straight away but in time,, she then said to me if he it was down to mental health why did he not tell me or report it if he didnt want to act on it and I said because when someone's mental health is broken they don't know how to ask for help and she said I don't believe that,, she said u would of not been repulsed by what he said,, I just wanted the call over,, I said i understand the risk and not playing it down I just saying I know when mental health is diminished we as humans can and do display risky behaviour and he has amdit that and see he has done wrong and wants to change it x

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 1:51pmReport post

See not long after he was arrested I spoke to the police office in charge and he said their was no images and hes words where independent messages was the charge then in the emailing was the information for stop it now and when I rang about the devices and had they been checked I asked him do family's recover from his and he said they do and he wished me well,, what I don't understand is the mash told me my daughter had been involved in the conversation I said was very emotional over that,, but why has she not been told that,, I have spoken to the solicitor and he has said he believes it down to his mental health and drinking,, as far as I know we are not on a plan and the case is not closed she keeps just saying she noway close to doing the assessment just keeps doing notes when we are talking x

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 1:57pmReport post

When I asked the police and the solicitor about him coming home they just keep saying thats down to ss,, police never spoke to me about anything nor have they spoken to my children about anything,, I just feel I am always cause more damage by telling her what I know I wish I had not said anything but then I feel I would be lairing which would cause more damage x my partners medication is for anxiety and depression and epilepsy,, just don't know how to go forward with this,,,

Edited Mon January 25, 2021 2:06pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 2:02pmReport post

Ok hun the helpline are there to just listen so ring the family rights group helpline( I know one of them is an ex sw and doesnt think highly of them). They can help you with what you can and cant do. Your sw is bullying you and you need advice on how to deal with her. What is mash? Not heard of them before xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 2:07pmReport post

Mash is like the emergency multi agnice that work with the police I think x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 2:26pmReport post

Ah right I know who you mean now xx hun ring the family rights group and see what they say. Also you need to get hold of his medical records as they could be helpful. Also there is another forum that you could join that is alot more private it's on the stopso website and there are alot of ladies there that have fought the ss and have great advice xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 2:31pmReport post

Can't get thro to family right group will keep trying,, how are u doing lee,,

I just thro I would be better to be honest with her about what I know because to me that says I am going into this with my eyes open,, not with just bits and pieces,, I thro also this would show I am being a protective parent by sharing this I'm formation with the right people I am now think I am screwing my self over by opening my mouth,,

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 3:21pmReport post

Got thro to family right group and just has told me to try and hang in there till after his court date and what his assessment is and risk are then see what ss say to whether we can start with over the phone contact and how we can go forward,, lesson learnt again to just see how we go forward,, the lady said I am doing all I can by protecting the kids and think that helps to hear ur are doing all u can but u can understand how people get so frustrated because they don't get help or are not been listened to which makes this so hard to move forward like,, she did say that my child protection was good so will see what she says if she rings back today or tomorrow x

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 3:22pmReport post

Thank u lee for caring me down and seeing u can see ways around things,,

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 5:31pmReport post

Do you feel better for chatting to them? And anytime hun xx the solicitor needs to be more forth coming with info as this affects the whole family not just him and you need the info to take on ss xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon January 25, 2021 5:38pmReport post

Yes defo it not the solicitor that's the problem really he will tell me everything,, its more ss she always saying that she know nothing then I tell her something to do with the case like that and it like a bull in a China shop,, which it just leaves u with this feeling of her standing over u not next to u if that makes sense x hopeful good night sleep and tomorrow is a better day x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 7:46amReport post

Oh Vickie love you are having a right rough time the ss, I do think she is bullying you. The common thread in all these things I see about the involvement of ss is how incompetent they are!. There's no consistency. They seem to do more harm than good where children are concerned. There fundamental aim is to " protect a child and acknowledge there's a risk" but it's like it's their only mission to get wives and partners to hate, disown, Chuck out their husbands and never let them be a family. Surely that has a very negative effect on children and does more harm than good!. I had a rough evening. Lots of tears, very anxious and feeling like lots and lots of things piling on my plate. My daughter has to now do a final interview via video now cos of covid. She's a dancer and has applied to a dance academy, has to do an hour long video of different dance genres . I got very panicky about that last night, feeling all the pressure and she won't get it done in time. I also have my first therapy session tomorrow, CBT thereapy. My husband has an assessment too with the same group. He's been referred by the doctor so we will see what they say first then if not suitable we will go down the private routes like stopso or Lucy faithful. Lee as always thank you for your advice. Also I noticed another lady in our enormous thread reaching out, hello Saphire, are you ok love. I'm a few weeks in to all this too. As you'll see there are so many lovely, kind helpful ladies on here so please come and chat. It certainly helped me in that hell of the first week

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 8:31amReport post

Good morning ladies

Help to saphine soz if I have spelt it wrong welcome to a group none wants to be a part of but the lady's on here are very supportive and great with advice,,, I have two children of young age and the fight with ss is out of this world its trying stressful,, two lessons I have learnt whilst dealing will ss don't tell them his not a risk because that's a big no to them,, second work with them not against them,,, save as much energy as u can ur going to need it try and be kind to urself non of this is ur fault,, just so tried today round 2 to come with ss later as she didnt ring last night,,

Wish me luck hope u all have a good day x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 8:48amReport post

Morning Vickie, oh good luck love!! Stay strong, can't believe the crap your going through with your ss! Let us know later how it goes. It's been nearly 4 weeks now since the knock for us. Still not heard a thing from ss apart from initial phone call on the day to say they would be in touch by the end of the week!. I'm going to really try and focus on other stuff today. Me and my husband got very emotional last night, he is so broken about what he's done to us it's painful to see

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 9:21amReport post

Lou this is the thing they go on about how they want people to live a life of non roffening behavior but they don't give them the time of day,, then to tell me that his mental health and drinking does not or will not make someone do this its a cop out basically,, well it show how much she know cause I drinking and mixing medication does not work it cancels the medication out,, then she keeps going on about me going to court and solicitor said no point as nothing will be said it to to sentence him she really doing my head in just going to sit there on the phone and say yes no yes no,,,

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 9:44amReport post

Gawd Vickie she sounds rubbish! And is imposing her personal views on you isn't she!. The more and more I read about different women's experiences with children's services the more I think it needs disbanding and a whole new approach needed! They literally don't listen to families do they and looking at everyone's account they cause sometimes more damage than the initial impact of the police. Like the police can say zero or very low risk that an offender will become a contact offender yet the ss seem to disregard the professional account of the police or probation and turn it around to suit their agenda! I can't get it in my head! Like it doesn't make sense to me!. Yet in the news over the years there has been many high profile cases of serious child abuse, neglect and death of children that were blatantly obvious that these children had come to significant harm. They had been visited many times by ss but they didn't help and the ss miss the signs?!. Yet they seem fixated on the very very low risk of someone viewing iioc then going onto maybe abusing their own children!. It just doesn't make sense! Right I best get dressed and take my dog out! Speak later ladies!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 10:18amReport post

Morning ladies!! Xx vickie I see you joined the other group which is great they can help to deal with your sw as for going to court there is no reason at all you have full disclosure from the solicitor so will learn nothing new but going to court. It's like she is reying to punish you!! Xx Lou do you today as it sounds like it has been emotional so make a list of stuff you want to do and just take it at an hour at a time xx I'm painting a dresser today as well as home schooling very rock and roll lifestyle!! Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 1:24pmReport post

Thank you Lee! You know what in another life ( although I don't know what you do!) you'd make a very good adviser of some sort!. You are incredibly helpful!. My husband has his counselling assesment tomorrow so I'm helping him write down on paper everything in his head, and I mean everything. I've downloaded that accountable app so need to set that up properly. Next thing on the list is sit my kids down and properly talk to them. I mean I have chatted but nothing mega deep. I did make the mistake of reading another thread on here about ss. It's the one involving the lovely Annie1969 crikey I feel for her I really do!. Annie if your reading this you are an inspiration at how strong you are being!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 1:36pmReport post

Louise I'm a crafter but had to close down my business due to the livestream but when this is over I will start up again. But I'm looking at other ways I can go as I will keep supporting others as its needed. Helplines are good but in this I think others really need to talk to others that have walked this journey xx for the councillor he could do a timeline so he can see where things went wrong and what the triggers were honestly my husband did one and it shocked him at the pattern that emerged xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 3:46pmReport post

Afternoon ladies no phone call as yet,,

But I have now done my own assessment understand SOR, SHPO, CTO

Risk assessment for the two kids

I research papers along bits from porn trap

Sign of sexual abuse and I believe my kids would display it, I think she has a lot of reading

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 4:16pmReport post

Well she did want to see protection and having the knowledge gives you power and put her in her place with her ignorance xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 4:23pmReport post

Yes I am also tomorrow doing to do research on mental health in part of it and drink and link it all together then going to email it over to her,, see what she says to it

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 4:50pmReport post

Make sure it proven scientific research as that cant be argued with xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 4:56pmReport post

Awww Lee I used to run my own business too, sewing. I hope you can start up again that will be brilliant! That's a good idea about the timeline for my husband. He needs to write stuff down as he will struggle tomorrow to get it all out to the counsellor. He's never done this sort of thing before, my god he's the last person to even go to the doctor! Got to be at deaths door before he does that!. I've avoided research today and cleaned the lounge and got to the very bottom of the laundry pile! It's definately better to not keep googling and if I'm honest I have found enough info to last a blimmin lifetime!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 5:44pmReport post

This is the last bit then I can't see what more I can put in place,, had a good day kids have been really good had a chat about things with them,, my son was a bit upset cause of the snow stopping him going to school,, but that's only bit of drama today we watched some movies with them then had old school chicken nuggets smile face and bake beans kids loved it,, time for showers then settle down for bed another day done,,, thank u all for yesterday xxx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 6:51pmReport post

Vickie you're on fire!! Good for you gal! ( if I get any rubbish I'm coming to you!) they really can't ignore all the work you've done can they!. I managed to get the teenagers out of bed at a normal time! ( no mean feat I can tell you!) and they both did college and school work. Still no phone call here from ss, the way I see it now is they can't come in here all guns blazing when I've not heard from them at all! It's nearly 4 weeks since the knock! I have prep in place for if they do come round!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue January 26, 2021 9:46pmReport post

Thanks hun well she never rang like she said see what tomorrow bring xx good night ladies heres to another day over xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 8:49amReport post

Lotning ladies,Vickie I bet you despair of this SW don't you! Can't believe she doesn't even ring you when she said she would, so useless!. I have my first therapy session today, I'm nervous. It's via teams on a video call which I'm also worried about as never really done that apart from FaceTimeing the kids and husband!. My husband also has his counselling assessment. I helped him write out stuff like you suggested Lee. He was so broken last night, I'm really worried about him. I look at him and the pain is all over his face, I can see him just looking into the distance. He's worrying about everything, if he'll go to prison, loose the house, loose us, everything. I told him the last thing I'll do is loose the house, that will not happen and I'm not going anywhere. I know it's a long process but wish it was over, it's only been 4 weeks and for all we know the police haven't even got his laptop or phone off the shelf. They are swamped aren't they. In a way I wish we could go there right now and say " yes he's guilty, he wants to plead guilty right now, please please just start the process". Sorry having a wobble this morning. I'm seeing my Mum tomorrow ( she doesn't know about what's happening) got to take her for the covid vaccination. I need to try and look normal to her as I don't want her to know. And to top it all IBS is raging this morning!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 8:59amReport post

And then something pops up that calms my mind! Thought I'd share this quote I've just seen on Instagram:

" Addiction is giving up everything for one thing, Recovery is giving up one thing for everything"

Ladies I hope you have an ok day today, let us know how you get on with the SW Vickie

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 9:42amReport post

Yea morning ladies been up all night with my son very anxious at moment and so is my daughter so I have decided today is dee day and I am going to tell them where there dad is and why not all of it just right for there age,,, fingers crossed this will also put the sw down a peg or two,, black coffee need ????????????

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 12:10pmReport post

Oh Vickie I hope it goes ok with your children, hard thing to do isn't it love as they are younger. If I'm honest I can't be bothered today. I feel really tired and just want to slob on the sofa. I have my counselling at 1.30 then I may just watch some stuff on catch up. I feel horrible today, just empty and down, sorry I'm rubbish today

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 12:40pmReport post

When we have just had a macays and on the sofa watching TV,, had a chat with the kids told them daddy's sent some naughty text messages and has got himself in to trouble and at the moment is in a place called prison,, they just asked if they could told to him and I said we have to wait and see but they take it well,, then see on the 4 Feb I think that good enough information for now,,

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 3:17pmReport post

Well update u I said on here a coue of days my partner amdites to saying he had feela for my daughter and so on well solicitor finally rang me back today and said their is no message of that in the conversation,, I feel like I am been put on the sand x

Phone sw manger and he told me to wait for the assessment to be completed and we will go from there to tired today to score and shout so will give him a chance x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 3:20pmReport post

Afternoon ladies, I've had a call from sw. she was really lovely. I spoke honestly about my kids, our life and what's happened. She was very positive actually ( hoping it's not a smokescreen!) anyway she had no safeguard concerns and was happy that I have been doing all the bail conditions. I spoke about how my kids are typical sociable teenagers and I have no concerns about them. She asked me about my husbands arrest but I didn't give a tonne of detail. She seemed happy. She's ringing my husband tonight then coming round to see my son on Monday. I asked her what happens next she said from speaking to me she likely close the case. She'll right up an assessment after speaking to my son. She said she's coming on Monday to see him, talk to him in the home but on his own and look round his room and will literally be about 10 minutes. I'm gonna do the mother of all blitzing to the house!! It will look like a show home over the weekend!. I'm exhausted!, I'm now worrying in case she's writing a tonne of rubbish but why would she? I think it's because I've read so much on here about unhelpful social workers my mind is in overdrive. Also my therapy session was brilliant, focussed on mindfulness and tackling worry etc, it's CBT therapy and I think it will help. Sorry totally rambling! How's it gone today Vickie?, has your SW rang?

Edited Wed January 27, 2021 3:47pm

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 3:46pmReport post

Nope sw has not rang again,, solicitor rang and told me to cam down he said yes my daughter was spoken in the messages her age but he never answer any questions about her that the other person put to him,, he batted them back,, I said well the MASH told me he said he had feeling for her and did not know if he would act on them,, he said I have the messages infornt off me and I am looking thro them and I can't see a messages from him saying that,, why do would they say that if its not their in black and white,, she sounds lovely Lou and don't worry she sound very helpful xx X

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 4:05pmReport post

Omg Vickie your SW is a nightmare!. Can the solicitor put something in writing to them about the messages, it literally is in black and white the proof!. Have you thought about putting in a complaint about the attitude of the SW?. I just think they have to accept the evidence in front of them and stop manipulating things. It's not helping is it! Plus how unprofessional to not ring you back on a few occasions!. You have done everything possible and more! I just can't believe the way women are treated by social workers. Honestly I would be lodging a complaint. I may go off now for an early bath, my mind is still in overdrive. I think it's seeing how lots of women are treated by SS on here I'm still worried. I mean she was really lovely on the phone and I was honest and calm but firm! I showed no signs of stress or upset ( poker face here!). She is contacting my sons school and did ask me if there was anything I didn't want her to tell the school. I said well not about my husbands arrest! And she was like thats perfectly fine, anything you tell me that you don't want to go further is confidential. Will she twist that?! God I'm so paranoid but she did seem genuinely helpful and nice!. She also asked where our doctors is, why would she talk to them? Will they tell her me and my husband have started therapy? Thought everything at the doctors is confidential?

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 4:22pmReport post

Vickie if the proof is there that none of that conversation then ss have to back down on saying that over and over. Make sure you make it very clear that the EVIDENCE proves this fact!! And that you are more than happy to show that proof!!

Louise I'm pleased they got in touch just dont let your guard down and also if they close that's brilliant as he is at home and so can carry on without them breathing down your neck. Prepare your son for Monday and hopefully it will go all smoothly but remember everything goes at a slow pace. Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 4:45pmReport post

Lee and Lou it was not the sw that made the statement it was the MASH team that said it on the day he was arrested so I don't know what to think,, wounded sometime if most of it has been to see my reaction if I know anything don't know if they can do that but it's just how I feel xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 5:15pmReport post

Do you know exactly what info was given to ss? As it would of been by the police they would of been referred. At the 1st arrest my husband was interviewed about a iioc and its bmnever been mentioned again but I found out that ss had that info as it had been disclosed to them from the police it was then disclosed to me xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 5:21pmReport post

Oh gawd Vickie it's horrible isn't it!. No wonder you are stressed and paranoid! But like the solicitor says the evidence is there for everyone to see. Lee I'm gonna really prepare my son this weekend. The SW worker was pleased I was abiding by the bail conditions so we will carry on having my husband at home. At the end of the day the police put down the bail address as here and the exact restriction, we've not gone against that so fingers crossed she doesn't have concerns. I'm hoping the school aren't annoying!. Let's just say my son is a typical teenage boy! He does his work but he's not keen on school, can't wait to leave!. He will thrive in a college setting, much more suited to him. What will she ask my husband? She's ringing him tonight. Gawd I feel like I'm in some sort of stressful test!. Lee how's your day been? Did you finish your dresser! You know I wish there was a way to connect properly!. Shame we can't support each other when we get through all this rubbish

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 5:28pmReport post

Louise I have bo idea what she will ask but as long as he is open and interacts with her then he cant do anymore bless you all xx my dresser is getting there bought Sarah lights so going to see if they work and then put it all together xx look back on the forum as there are ways to connect but we arent allowed to discuss them anymore ( which is real shame as reaching out to others has been the only support we truly have) I have now the most amazing group of women that are true friends and is a big positive to come out of this xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 5:58pmReport post

I think hands on heart when they arrest him they thro they had something big and its turned out to be this,, I still waiting for my request for the report,,

Just don't what I think xx

I remember my partner been arrested on the 28th October then once he and the police had gone I rang my mother in law cry then they stay with I think the MASH team ring me about 3.00pm and asked who I was and she had some information to tell me I said OK and she said do u have support with u I said yes,, she then said what I got to say is not nice,, ur partner has been having a conversation and he has mentioned ur daughter in this conversation and having feeling for her and not sure if he could control them then she said do I want their number if I wanted to ring them back I said don't and put the phone down,, then the duety sw came out on the night be he did not say anything about this.

Edited Wed January 27, 2021 6:06pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 6:49pmReport post

Well the SW was gonna ring my husband tonight. I told her earlier that he may not be home till gone 7. I texted her to say he was home early and she could ring him at 6.15 ( she clocks off at 6) She just replied " that's fine for today , thank you" cue my mind going into overdrive. Does she not need to talk to him? Am I being paranoid? I mean if she had lots of concerns maybe she'd be making an effort to ring him? God my mind! Wish it would stop!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 7:08pmReport post

I'm very confused why the mash team rang you must say I havent heard that happen before but things are done differently in every area. But his solicitor should be getting onto that and making the info they have is correct. You know you asked for data request from ss that can also be done with the police. I think they thought it was bigger than they thought and are panicking about what has happened especially as he is on remand. But you are not on a plan of any kind with ss so they cant stop him coming home depending on what is on the conditions from the police. What has the solicitor said about him going home? Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 7:26pmReport post

Just that it's down to the sw once they have done there report I think the same I think they are now trying to hold on to straws now,,

I know having a sexual conversation with a police decoy is not right but I defo think they believe that they a lot more on him and they have not,, cause I got to amdite I never heard of mash at all till this happened x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 8:26pmReport post

I think his solicitor has alot of work to do and actually pull apart the evidence xx I hope they can see that the evidence needs looking at properly so make sure your on the solicitors case xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 8:31pmReport post

Louise dont read too much into them saying they will ring and dont that is a regular occurrence with ss they dont realise what it does to us them not doing what they say they will do!! Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed January 27, 2021 9:07pmReport post

Yes will do Lee I have emailed it to the sw what the solicitor has said to just have to wait and see what happens I have also do my statement to the judge to x

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu January 28, 2021 2:40pmReport post

Update sw is popping in at some point today,, done some more house work and having a lamb cooked dinner xx

How's everyone today xx sending love and hugs x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu January 28, 2021 3:45pmReport post

Hi ladies, Vickie hope it's going ok with the SW. I've took my Mum for her vaccine today then nipped to work for a catch up. I'm now filming all my daughters ballet choreo for her academy application! 12 pieces! Then commercial ( streetdance) pieces!. It's been good to do just normal life stuff. It's all consuming isn't it but I almost forgot about what's happening today!. Early night tonight, I had a rubbish nights sleep last night, blimmin IBS. Vickie let us know what's what when the ss have gone, good luck

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu January 28, 2021 8:13pmReport post

Hi ladies good evening very surprise how well it went with sw,, she said my safeguarding was out of this world and she spoke to both of my children and was happy nothing has happened their,, she said that it could be cin plan or a agreement plan,, and I told her that it over the phone contact to being with just got to hope the judge is in a good mood the weight now lifted is unreal,, she said she wanted to see how much fight I had in me and she said I have balls lol,,,

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 29, 2021 7:52amReport post

Vickie that sounds really positive! I'm so happy you had a good meeting with your SW. what's an agreement plan?. I hope everything goes well with your husband. I woke up feeling anxious, going to try some of the mindfulness techniques the counsellor taught me. I'm nervous for things happening next week. Monday my SW is coming round then on Thursday my husband has to go and answer bail, I've no clue what happens at the police station. I'm guessing they've not even looked at his phone or laptop yet

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 29, 2021 10:41amReport post

Yes hun I understand I am nervous to for thrusday cause that my partners sentencing date,, been very emotional day cause today is his nans funeral on his dad side of the family so that very emotional and could not go as had non to watch my daughter so am feeling guilty for not saying goodbye,, but I have told the children we will buy a plant and we going to plant in the garden in her memory, but it feels like things are turning around I not sure Lou what a agreement assessment is x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri January 29, 2021 11:07amReport post

Hi ladies sorry not been around past couple of days have been hard xx

Vickie that sounds promising and make sure you have your guard up at all times!! Dont get me wrong there are some ss that are good( my sw is wonderful!!) but I have told her I dont trust them and she completely understands why. Well done for showing her your balls!! Lol

The agreement plan is where they put conditions in place and basically close the case. It's just an agreement between you and them and it's usually when they feel you are doing everything to protect and that you understand the risks that's why the safety plans are good even with that or a cin plan they are voluntary so you dont have to agree to them but that can be a dangerous move as they can escalate it to family court( I have known a few ladies do that) because in family court as have to prove that the children are at significant risk from being in the home and I have seen alot of positive outcomes with that xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 29, 2021 11:35amReport post

Oh Vickie I'm so sorry about your husbands Nan, I did see on another post that she had passed away. Your husband must be so upset, could he go? Or is he still on remand?. That's a lovely idea, a plant for the garden. When my Dad died my kids were 10 and 8. I got some of those pre cut blank cards in heart and flower shapes from hobby craft. The kids decorated them and my Mum put them with the coffin and kept them after. It really helps for kids doesn't it to do things on their level. They were too young for a funeral but came to the wake which was like a huge party anyway. So I'll be thinking of you next Thursday, it will be hard but at the same time you can have closure and start rebuilding your life. Have a restful day today love, can you speak to your husband today?

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri January 29, 2021 11:42amReport post

Hi Lee, I hope you are ok?, sorry you've had some rubbish days. The assessment plan actually sounds fine to me?! I'm hoping everything goes ok when my SW visits, so nervous about it even though I have planned everything. I'm just getting in a bit of a state! I'll be fine as I'm very good at appearing fine if that makes sense?! It just feels so out of my control, you know how she will see us as a family. We are a close chilled family , we get on great and I never have issues ( until this!) but I hope she can see that from a 10 minute visit and little chat with my son!. Right I need to do mundane stuff, calm my mind, take care ladies speak later

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 29, 2021 6:29pmReport post

I ladies no I didn't go cause had none to have my daughter,, my partner didn't ring last night I think he would of worked him self up for today case he could not go they don't let people out now on day release for grandparents if it had been his mom or dad then he would of or me or the kids,, yes I feel things turning but yes Lee gaurd is not down but can't wait to update my partner,, she did say that the kids where not showing any signs of concern when it comes to dad,, they both explained to sw how much they wanted him back there was tears for me cause I found it very emotional hearing my babies talk about him but also very proud of them that they felt the could share there feelings with out promoting xx

Had my assessment for my counciling today just got to wait now for my appointment coming thro,, Lou hope u OK and lee xx sending lots of love and hugs,, xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri January 29, 2021 8:04pmReport post

Vickie I'm so sorry for today must of been tough but it's nearly over and your still going hun!! Xx glad the assessment went ok so fingers crossed.

Louise just be open, honest and speak your mind on monday that's the best you can do my lovely xx I think with everything you have picked up on here and the safety plan the sw will be impressed xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri January 29, 2021 9:14pmReport post

Thank u lee yes defo was harm but she not in pain anymore so thats the thing really xx right going to get a early night catch all tomorrow x

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat January 30, 2021 5:06pmReport post

Evening ladies hope u had a OK day or a good day,, having OK day fingers crossed when my father in law cames in a bit he can fill my boiler up or another day with no hot water or heating cause council don't know when they can come out the full of the fair really 4 weeks with out a cigarette just vaping very proud some far,, catch u lots what u having for dinner ideas welcome xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat January 30, 2021 6:54pmReport post

Hey Vickie well done not smoking for 4 weeks that's blimmin brilliant! Not brilliant having no hot water though! I've lots of tears today. Finding it hard thinking about all the wider implications of what my husband has done and how our lives have been shattered. We are ok and talking lots but it's been one of those days. Trying to find info about the SOR. Obviously he will go on it but can he live at home with my son?. By the time all this is done my son could be 17 or even 18! ( going by some peoples experiences it takes over 2years!). We are having home made fish and chips for tea but kids have chicken tikka! And I'm defo having a bottle of red!. Have you spoke to your husband today Vickie? How is he?

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat January 30, 2021 8:23pmReport post

Louise I doubt very much they could stop him living at home as your children are older and are more than capable of talking about any risks. See how it goes on monday but I'm sure you will brilliant xx

Vickie that's rubbish about the hot water hope it gets sorted!! And I'm happy you have had a good day xx

Been doing up little ones room today as trying to get her back into her room( since she disclosed about the video she only sleeps with me) and just making it more magical for her and her special place to be calm and just more peaceful. Had Turkey steaks, rice and salad and watching the masked singer.

Tomorrow is another day and putting up glow in the dark stars in her room xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 31, 2021 12:27pmReport post

I spoke to my partner last night he very emotional at the moment today at 4 I have a video call with him,, I think I body has take all the stress it can I think I have tonsillitis coming and ear infection in a lot of pain,, which when I been under a lot of stress this is normal the end of it kind of thing,,,

I have hot water and central heating,,

I am getting so nervous now this is the week I see the light and can kind of nearly touch it and feel good like that we rebuilding after the sw coming but now,, I am so scared that the judge is just doing to blow it all out the water,, probation are saying they are finding it ready hard to find him some where to go sw was not happy about him coming back here cause of neighbours and he said he wanted to build on things by getting all the help he can,, but that can start till he is out,, so probation said if they can't get anywhere he will have to stay on remained till they can find him something,,

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sun January 31, 2021 12:47pmReport post

Oh Vickie, I wish I could connect with you right now in real life!, like sit in your lounge and help you love. I'm so sorry you are poorly, it's the stress of it all love it really is. Can you get a doctors appointment?. My daughter had tonsillitis before Christmas and the doctor did it over the phone and arranged the prescription from our local pharmacy. Please try and get an appointment today or tomorrow as you have so much to deal with this week. Can anyone help with the kids?, there's nothing worse than being ill on your own with kids. Lee awww your daughters room sounds like it will be lovely, how are you doing today?. Please know girls that me talking to you about your stuff also helps me. I think it's a natural thing in women that we connect through shared trauma and try and help so thank you for being here!. I had wobbles this morning about SW visit tomorrow. Weve blitzed the house and I've had a calm, in depth chat with my son just now about what she might ask etc. I'm so nervous, feels like I'm about to do a really important exam that I need an A grade for! I've even laid out my outfit. My sons going out after dinner so I'll blitz his room as she said she'll be talking to him on his own in his room. I'm getting very anxious and stressed, just about how she will perceive us. It's all so wrong isn't it, feels like I'm on trial!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sun January 31, 2021 12:55pmReport post

Vickie can I just ask why are your ss concerned about the neighbours?. Do you mean when he's sentenced?. God your situation is like stalemate isn't it! I mean probation are happy for him to go home?, you want to start rebuilding your life yet SS even though you've done absolutely everything are the ones being a pain! I mean they have to give at some point dont to they!. I find it so unjust that they won't work with families to try and rebuild their lives. The whole point of children's services is to help families! And help them stay together as the effects on children when parents split up is far worse than this " supposed risk" that SS think may be there!. Like I will be doing everything to keep us together as a family because we are a happy family. Before all this there was nothing going wrong in our life! Yeah the normal arguements but they centred round teenage drama! ( generally my daughters untidy room her attitude! I mean every teenage girl is the same eh!). I think you've been so strong Vickie, I've only known you a few weeks but I can tell you will come out of this the other side xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun January 31, 2021 1:09pmReport post

Ss are worried about my neighbours because when she was here the first time I was putting my dog outside and hear my neighbours talking about me and my partner and the neighbour was like yea if a saw him around here then he will get hurt,, and my ss was like they should not be talk about ur business and was like yes but this is what happens and I said that I was concerned my self about it,, and don't want my kids hurt and nor does my partner so that's what's why we said we would do it the way we are for now like,, I am hoping to get appointment with the doctor tomorrow,, my moth in law has my daughter of a weekend so I can relax at this moment and my son is relaxing upstairs watching movies then going around doing bits,, as silly ladies as this sounds last couple of night thro this I have slept thro the night and started to dream again about my future and I feel calm inside for the first time in a really really long time and settled if that makes sense x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun January 31, 2021 10:03pmReport post

Hi ladies been a busy day still doing the bedroom so she feels more comfortable and safe in there and tomorrow putting up the security camera outside so not stopped. Just wanted to say louise I hope it goes ok tomorrow and let us know but you can do this ok?

And vickie I'm so pleased your sleeping better hun. It's not for the sw to say that something could happen with the neighbour!! The majority of people are all mouth and wouldnt have the balls to actually do anything and it's actually rare for anything to happen so your sw needs to get her facts straight. I know many families where stuff has happened and they have stayed put( im one of them) and it has backfired on the other people so please dont think that way!!

Both your strengths shine through your posts and shows that you can do this ladies xx night night xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 6:48amReport post

Morning ladies, I woke up very early. I have horrible IBS, and I'm very nervous about the SW visit. Got lots of anxious thoughts about everything this morning, I can't wait for today to be over, for all this to be over. Sorry not coping, it's the early hours I find hard when your wide awake and everything is in your head. I'll let you know how it goes later. Hope you ladies are ok

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 9:00amReport post

Well I managed to get my son up and ready before 9am. I'm now pacing around and very nervous. His room is the tidiest it's ever been and the whole house was blitzed yesterday!. Can she decide today to close the case or does she do it in writing later? If that's what she decides of course!. I blimmin hope she turns up though as this is horrible!

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 9:33amReport post

I just wanted to say I follow this thread every day and I read the messages between you all. I sit and think what to add or say and I never do. I am struggling so much. I have had my social worker visit. I get limited information from the police. I need answers so badly. I am so worried and so scared it makes me feel sick all of the time. I was so happy before this happened. I have typed and deleted this all morning because I'm scared to even talk about this on here. I just want to pack up and move to the other side of the world where no one knows me and where I will never hear of this again. I need to find a glimmer of hope but I feel like there isn't any anymore. It's so hard.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 10:20amReport post

SW has been! She was really really lovely. We sat downstairs and she spoke to my son but nothing in depth. Just asked him if he understands what's happened with his dad. Asked him what he would do if someone sent him indecent stuff on Snapchat etc. ( son said he would block them straight away and tell me)Asked him about school etc. She then chatted to me in his room. We spoke about how it's impacted me but she was very understanding and supportive. She even said how lovely my house was!. She's closing the case and basically sending me stuff in the post and will check at school about sons grades. She's texting me some mental health lines I can phone. I told her the things I've done so far and how remorseful and upset my husband is and that we are both doing therapy. She said would I go to couple therapy in the future and I said yes. She also said what if my husband did this again 5 years down the line and I said he would loose everything, the kids, me, his home, everything. I said he will never ever look at porn again. She seemed happy with that answer I said I don't condone what he's done and that he's devasted me but I love him and I am 100% willing to support and help us get through as a family. I think it helped that I really got across how remorseful my husband is. Right a sense of relief today so off now to walk the dog! Hope you ladies are ok. Next on the list, answering bail on Thursday!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 10:26amReport post

Sapphire, love please connect with us, as you can see from this thread and if it helps we can chat just normal chat?!. Like what are you doing today or what's for tea. Honestly love, it will help and it helps me if I think I'm connecting with someone and helping them. How did it go with the social worker?. Sorry no need to give details if you don't want to but I'm here to chat. My kids are older and I imagine if you have young kids it's even more traumatic, sending love and virtual hugs xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 10:36amReport post

Saphire morning It a very long road and I am 3 months in very tiring to but u need to be kind to urself,, have u phoned the help line and spoken to anyone about ur feelings they are no judgement u can vent to them and the listen trust me I have vented on the phone to them lots of over 3 months. They helpline has calmed me down when I have through its all going wrong,, its a horrible thing we are all going through but the first couple of weeks where like nothing I ever been through the ladies on here helped so much look thro old feeds on here people have posted on here,, we are here to support and will try my hardest to help in any way I can,, Lee u know u said u was putting a camera up is this the one linked to ur phone if so can u text me the name so I can have a look please and many thanks,, Lee is a lady with lots of strength and knowledge but your here saphire sadly but u can make friends for life I know I have and get really helpful information to help u through but just take each hour as they come first and be kind to urself this is not ur fault xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 12:08pmReport post

Hi ladies!! Vickie do you mean inside or outdoor cameras? I found them on amazon and they are called netvue. I like them because they use a memory card and I wont have cloud in my home!! All connected to my phone which is great!! Xx

Louise I am so happy for you my lovely!! I think there wasnt much else she could do as your children are older and so understand alot more and you proved that you understand the risks and have done so much to keep all your family safe!! Well done you and now breathe xx

Saphire I'm so sorry you have joined this club that no one wants to be a member of but you will find non judgemental advice and support here and it will help you feel less alone. Definitely ring the helpline as it will help to get all your thoughts out of your head. Also see your gp it's all confidential and it could really help you. And this thread has been lovely as we chat about normal stuff too and we are always about my lovely xx sending you high hugs xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 12:18pmReport post

Thank u lee I will have look,, what is agreement assessment lee I understand CIN just never came across agreement assessment still question could sw put in there that he can return home if that's what's in the best interest of my children hope that makes sense I have just emailed her to ask her to ring me to put it towards her about my partner returning home,, I didn't say I wanted him home but I did not say I didn't want back I left it open,,

My daughter and son keep asking when he's coming home driving me mad bless them,, so thinking of telling her this what do u think Lee,, or do u think she might think I am letting the kids rule the home. Bigs hugs sapphire we are all here to help u hun and the lady and gentles are really supportive on here xxx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 12:35pmReport post

Agreement assessment? I'm not sure but I think it may be where he is assessed ( and you are too) to see what level of risk he is and that your a protective parent and then once that's done then an agreement can be made. Assessments are tricky regarding ss as they will either use people that they regularly use that should be independant or the sw will do the assessment( be careful with that option as the majority of sw are not qualified to do in depth assessments). You can get assessments done independently but make sure before spending that money( it's not cheap!!) that the ss would accept that independant assessment. I know that a gentleman called Steve Lowe is used alot ( we have spoken to him and has been accepted by our ss) and has been really helpful with ss in alot of cases.

As for speaking to ss about him coming home because the children are asking for him I doubt ss will take that into consideration but you could make them aware that its affecting the childrens mental health. Maybe make your sw that your long term goal is for him to return home and to be a family and that your safety plan will be in place at all times xx I think alot will depend on what happens in court and what restrictions will be put on him regarding the shpo xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 12:46pmReport post

That's it they both children did tell her when she was here they wanted daddy home,, found the camera hun and order them,, can't wait to just get this week do and over like,,

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 12:57pmReport post

It's the 4th isnt it? Did you get cameras for in or out? I have 3 one inside on landing and 1 at the back of property and 1 on the front which I must put up!!

Hun this bit is a nightmare the waiting but it will be over soon and the solicitor seems to be on the ball with the case. Also dont forget that anytime on remand is taken into consideration with sentencing. Has the pre sentence report been done ? Xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 1:03pmReport post

Thank you for replying to me. The social worker allows supervised access but not at home so we meet away from the house. This makes the children happy who are both young. It's just all so difficult. The social worker has referred to their lack of info from the police and how they can't really allow contact at home or relax until they know. He's sorry, he said he's used porn a lot and chat rooms and this might be where images have been received and sent. It seems he has been living a fantasy life along side real life. He said he has no attraction to children and the images would be over 16s and not under that age. He said his chat has been with adults about fantasy things involving adults. I don't know what to think. I want that to be true because it's the better end of an awful nightmare. I'm scared they'll find really bad things that I can't comprehend. I would've happily spent my years with him and now I don't know what to do. I haven't phoned the helpline because I can't bring myself to do it. When ever I try to talk about it I fall apart to the point my parents who know want me to get medication. In the week after the police came I lost half a stone through pure worry. I probably will try to get something from the doctor. He is having counselling each week which is good as he has had lots happen in his life that I don't think he has dealt with.

I'm working full time from home. I just want to know if this gets better and what options we could have. Could I move on with him? Could the kids have unsupervised contact? Do I need to accept this is over and we just can't be as we were. I don't know. I have cooperated fully with social services and the police they said I am very protective and police praised the fact I although would never have predicted this and did not expect it at all have cooperated and not blindly defended him in any way. I don't feel I can even mention to social services that I think about if we could be together as I although she is nice her tone is very much why would I want to if he was guilty or if he isn't why would I trust him. You're all so supportive and I read this every day just to know there's another person like me.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 1:04pmReport post

Think so I believe they are saying that a custody sensten is not warranted to fix what he has done,, probation have said community treatment order but saying if they have not got a address to release him to then he have to stay on remained till they can find him somewhere to go,,

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 1:13pmReport post

I know that the reports can help so hopefully it will have some sway for him. But it's the address thing that could hinder him. May I ask how did your neighbour find out? Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 2:01pmReport post

I was screaming at my mother in law what he had done and my windows where open at the time,, out of this I have learnt to try and remain more calm over things,, so it's down to me that my emotions got the better of me xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 3:39pmReport post

Oh Vickie love I'm not surprised you were screaming! I screamed at my husband when the police had him in the kitchen! He kept saying " I've looked at child porn" and I was like SHUT UP DONT SAY A THING! I didn't want him to say a thing to the police I was in shock too!. So the SS don't want your partner back at home? Am I right? But they have to give at some point don't they? You want him home after sentencing don't you? You've done so so much and put an incredible amount of work in to prove your a protective Mum. God I'd be tearing my hair out if I was in your position!. Right now I'm chilling on the sofa, I've been awake since 4.30. My daughter has took over the lounge!, we are filming all her choreo for her dance academy interview video.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 3:49pmReport post

Vickie have to actually spoken to the neighbour? Because if not she is making assumptions so you could put her straight on a few things!! Xx I get the screaming I was exactly the same. Ss cant stop him coming home unless your on a cpp which your not your actually not on any plan at the minute but if the shpo states he cant come home unless the ss agree then it's more difficult. I think until the sentencing is dealt with it will be difficult to know exactly what will happen. Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 3:56pmReport post

I agree Lee, your husband may or may not get a shpo, you just can't gauge how the judge will be as we see on this forum! And also like Lee says you aren't on any plan with SS at the moment. Are you going to court on Thursday Vickie?. I'd also be tempted to speak to the neighbour too, gossip and hearsay is very damaging!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 4:31pmReport post

Yes guys we are in court on thrusday and that's what I am now thinking trying to sit tight and see what happens do all no contact offerens end up on a SOR,, see I know none person I support sexual crime but is not on a SOR,, just need to calm down and relax a bit,, can't believe we are this far but yet feel so far away if that makes sense x thank u ladies for ur support and kind words xx.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 6:33pmReport post

No all end up on the sor but it's rare I have to be honest. Maybe let his solicitor know you want him home but only if ss agree to this and that you have a safety plan in place for when he comes home? As that can be mentioned in the hearing i would think? Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 7:18pmReport post

Vickie I googled about the sor and yes it seems they do. Me and my husband were talking about it yesterday actually and I do think it needs an overall. Now I've said all along I don't condone what he's done but I think there needs to be different scales of restriction. The crimes are so varied from violent rape down to looking at one image and nothing else, no contact, no grooming yet every single person who's charged goes on the sor. We were also talking about the media. I said to the SW that it feels like if it goes in the paper it's my punishment. She said it's to name and shame as a deterrent to others but it's not working at all as the crime of looking at iioc for example is going up and up, it's very very easy to find extreme porn and iioc on the internet. Surely by exposing people in the papers is creating this mob mentality like a vigilante does. A different approach is badly needed isn't it!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 7:40pmReport post

Yes defo it does,, I total understand I don't at all condon what my partner has done but like u said it like everyone around the partner has be punished and like u say Lou,, they go on about rehabilitation that's a joke when it ends up in the papers or on social media because they put the children at risk and other family members,, how is this part of rehabilitation then we are give a hard time or put through the ring if we wish to support them to get help,, but just maybe maybe if they changed things then the stigma and understanding might have a chance,,

I wish In way we could all go to downing Street and stand there till they listen to us for change but they know we will not do that for the fact we don't want it in the paper to being with,, want this all over now,,

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 1, 2021 7:57pmReport post

Dont forget it's not the sor that is actually restricting it's the shpo as that's where they state what they can and cant do but I have seen a few and normally they are mainly around the internet. The sor does vary I think the starting point is 2 years upto indefinite and I vkknookw that it can bubble appealed if over 15 years( I think). The shpo is a civil document set by the police( probation, offender manager etc) and the sor is a criminal document. It's extremely complex but your both right no matter what everyone goes onto the sor no matter what the crime is. Louise try not to think too much about that side yet as you may have a long wait to see I'd there are charges or not hun I know that's easier to say than done but the what ifs and what can happen will drive you nuts my lovely xx just keep working on you and on hubby and that will help you both so much xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 8:53amReport post

Morning ladies hope you are ok, miserable and rainy here! Don't fancy the dog walk this morning!. Woke very early again today. Me and my husband wrote out stuff to ask the police, go on Thursday to answer bail and we haven't a clue what happens after that. I'm guessing it will be extended? It's werid this limbo is horrible but also don't want the inevitable to happen and him get charged. Does that make sense!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 8:56amReport post

And the daily struggle of trying to get the teenagers up for college and school begins! So can't wait for them to be back to normal

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 10:56amReport post

My last reply had disappeared I think. Thank you for your replies. I feel more positive this morning. But I'm working full time from home. I'm just getting a lot of questions from the childcare providers at the moment as they've been contacted by our sw so every time I go there it's difficult for me. This started for me in December. I want to get to the outcome of all of this but at the same time I'm scared of what I will find out.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 11:18amReport post

Morning ladies I just want to hide under my devut till Saturday when my daughter goes to here nans,, everything is ticking me off,, just want both kids at school so I can just sit and think or get the house work done properly if u know what I mean instead of mom, mom, mom can u pass me that and can u get me this,, kids u got to love them,, I just want to wake up now and its all over I know not long but so scared that just going to be even worse than want I am facing now sorry ladies for the negative feel really down today xxx x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 12:34pmReport post

Oh Vickie love,you and me are having the same day, sending virtual supportive hugs. I totally get that feeling of wanting to give up. Mines the other end, trying to get through to my son that he needs to do school work as he's year 11 so really important. If I left them to it they literally would not get out of bed!. I don't get the constant " mum mum mum" like when they are little I just get lazy arse teenagers !, I don't know how you're coping with all that and this going on too! I mean coping with homeschooling is hard enough without having this hanging over our heads eh. I've emailed the school to see if he can go in and do his college application there instead. Everything is a conflict with me and him where school work is concerned. I found when they were young and all else failed I'd give them a daytime bath and stick a film on!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 12:39pmReport post

Also I've always thought swapping my friends children with mine for a day really would work! A day off from your own!. If I lived near you I'd do that right now! You have my annoying teenagers and I'd have your kids! You get all your housework done cos basically mine would sit in your lounge on Snapchat all day!!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 12:57pmReport post

Vickie it's the constant demanding I totally get it!! I'm with my little one 24/7 as she now wont sleep in her room( that's why I'm doing her room up) and she wont sleep no matter what I do. Running on empty is so mund numbing and exhausting but hun you can do this!! Louise totally get the teenage thing both of mine were like that my sons nickname is sloth and he is 30 this year but as a teenager was a nightmare!! Trying to motivate them is a minefield and doesnt matter how often we push how important it is they dont listen xx hun you are doing great too dont ever forget that!! Xx off to lay flooring and paint a door and do some home schooling hopefully!! Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 3:38pmReport post

So my husband has just had a phone call from the arresting officer. He's had bail extended, not sure of the date but I'm guessing 3 months. My husband said it was strange as he was really nice to him! He said it wasn't like someone who wanted to " catch a criminal"!. And when we got the knock all 6 officers were very calm and nice to me and no aggression to my husband. Not what you expect eh, I mean Im addicted to police dramas!. I guess they haven't got into his devices then or even started to look at them

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 3:56pmReport post

Its normal for bail to be extended and they have to give you a date. They are trained to be calm and not aggressive just be careful because that's when the guard can come down and we can say things we cant take back. And they are there to get convictions dont forget that. Sorry cant be more positive about them but my experience and others I chat to the niceness comes about from they trying to get info especially when we are at our most vulnerable. Dont get me wrong some are extremely helpful and do understand but their ultimate goal is to get convictions xx the checking of devices can take many months but as he is on bail they have a time limit to get the investigation done in a time frame xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 5:10pmReport post

Oh yeah Lee totally get that, just so strange when your perceived idea of police etc is them being more aloof and not helpful! I certainly won't let my guard down just worried about the husband when he's finally interviewed. So will it be 3 months bail? I feel a slight bit of a breather if I'm honest. Got myself so worked up for this week with the SW then answering bail.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 5:11pmReport post

Also I'm surprised they didn't do it as a RUI? I mean surely that is better for the police? Gives them more time to do stuff

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 5:14pmReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Tue February 2, 2021 5:14pm

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 6:43pmReport post

Hi ladies thanks for the support I just emotional feel like when is it going to end and I know when it's going end the 4 Feb but I wounded if this is how waiting for the knock feels for our partners,, so anxious,, nervous did not sleep well last night and don't think I will for the next couple of nights,, so my son had respite tonight after school and they will take him to school tomorrow,, so only had my daughter so put my daughter in the car and went for a drive then popped into see what I call my mom and had a coffee and big hug,, gave her a update and to see this very strong lady infornt of me crying because we have now found out her daughter has got to have manger surgery 12+ hours to rebuild her spine I just want all this to stop the last 4 years we had bad news to deal with I just want some light and heal sorry for the negative its just really testing me,, think hot shower and early to bed,, fresh head for tomorrow xxx

Again ladies big hugs and love hope for a better day for all

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 9:06pmReport post

Louise being on bail I think personally is better as you have a date in your head being RUI you dont have a clue!! So now just breathe and look after you my lovely xx

Vickie anything I say wont help as the next couple if days will be stressful so look after you the best you can and make sure you come here and get any crap out of your head xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 9:16pmReport post

You know what Lee you are right! Thank you, you're such a calming force! Had a rough evening with husband. Lots and lots of tears and talking, close to arguing but not etc etc. Talking about how will we ever get our life back to how it was, you know the deep stuff involved in this crime. Vickie I'll be thinking of you on Thursday, we all will. Then Thursday evening we can share a virtual bottle of red ( or Pepsi!). Even if you wake up dead early Thursday morning I'll be up too ( up at the crack of dawn at the moment) so come and chat xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 9:29pmReport post

Thank u ladies means a lot bottle of cherry pepis max hun on ice lol thank u so so much and lee u do calm people when u on the other side u really should be ambassador or something for people to talk to ur one amazing person,,

Lou ur right defo just need to calm and step back and just try and calm down xx

Big hugs ladies and lots of love xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue February 2, 2021 9:44pmReport post

Louise the best thing me and my husband did ( and still do) is not think too far ahead as the what ifs and talking about what will or could happen will just cause arguments etc and you dont need that neither of you do. For now try( I know its hard) on concentrate on the day and on working on the why and how this happened and fixing you both so you can both gain the strength to take this on my lovely xx hope that makes sense xx

Vickie you are doing great so just take it an hour at a time find stuff you can do that calms your brain for me its reading, cleaning, clearing out clutter, watching crap on tv so do stuff to try and calm your mind. We are here for you big hugs xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 8:38amReport post

Morning ladies, I'm still in bed although been awake since about 5.30! Lee me and husband had a good heart to heart last night ( after I'd calmed down a bit) we had a look through the self help modules, in fact I'm doing it now hence why I haven't got out of bed!. I think they will be a huge help for my husband, just need to get them printed. I messaged the helpline to see if they had them in paper form I could buy. We haven't got a printer and don't fancy going to a print shop! If not I think his Mum has a printer ( she knows what's happening). My husband was Definately willing to do the modules so that's good. My next step is to really try and not think about sentencing, easier said than done but like everyone says it can be a long process. I keep jumping from sheer panic, being positive then sheer panic. Then I'm like angry with my husband for what he's done, not understanding why he would risk all he has to then feeling so so sad for him and us and our future. And this is how it was last night between us. I tried to explain to him too that if we got to the end and no one else found out I'd feel we can build our life again but it's the fear isn't it of family and friends finding out and thinking why the hell haven't I chucked him out. It's like when we have arguments normally we scream, shout bang around abit then after a day or so make up and life is good. This however I can't shout or scream or argue with him, I don't mean I'm stepping on eggshells around him but I just feel so upset for how it's changed our lives. Sorry far too much rambling before breakfast! I should get up!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 11:08amReport post

Lee I thought I'd take a leaf out of your book! I've put a nice outfit on ( not going anywhere special!) make up on, hair straightened!. I'm only off to home bargains for bits and Sainsbury's but for days and days all I've done is laundry and housework! Started to feel claustrophobic. I hope you ladies are ok. Saphire I saw your bigger post that must of disappeared. Let me reply properly to you later. I think you can gather I like to chat and ramble so I'll be back later, take care love

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 11:51amReport post

Hi louise well done!! Girl you have got this !! Saying that I'm still in my pjs!! Hbaving q chill out day as therapist has cancelled and I'm relieved!! Just keep going hun xx

Saphire I'm sorry I only just saw your reply!! I think reading this thread could really help calm some of your fears and the unknowns. For now just take it a day at a time and when you feel ready ring the helpline as just by spilling it all out will help you so much my lovely xx write down any questions you and keep communicating with your husband as that will help your brain calm down in some aspects. As you can see from the forum there are lots of unknowns so just try to deal with 1 thing at a time xx keep coming here and getting any fears out of your head my lovely xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 12:07pmReport post

Morning ladies I slepted a lot better last night till 10am this morning I think I let my head run away with me,, not long now, just want to know what time he is up in court but see if he fines out today a time,, had a really big melt down yesterday to the point I ended up buying cigarettes which I have not done in 4 weeks or longer but back to the vape today,,

Saphire it's hard and I was the same I did not want to go on journey I just wanted to get to the end,, but looking back if I had done that I would not have the understanding to why and how we have got here my partner was using porn and became addiction,, heavliy drinking and not taking his medication please don't think I am say that means he behavior is OK or anything cause it not far from it but he so remorseful for the pain he has caused his family and me. Don't make any big choices,,,

I had really hard time with my sw but I showed her my protective plan and safeguard,, plus the bug thing that helped me was my partner being open and honest it's hard to hear but I needed to know so I could weight it all up I sat down and made a pro and cones listed,,

I did listened to what my children wanted their feels and when I heard my children talk to sw the way they did it really got to me how much they loved him and how much I love him but u really need to work thro the emtions,, be kind to ur self hun and read thro the messages on here hun,,

But please please be kind to urself and learn some self love hun xx X

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 12:22pmReport post

Hi Saphire I did not see ur other post my partner was talking to a police decoy about a fantasty he had it was very hard to hear him talk about it but he has owned it and wants to get help if u read thro the messages on here u will see I had a really had time with my sw but I showed her how protective I am my children are 4 and 13 with additional needs hun and she has agreed that she believes nothing has happened to them and she has agreed to supervised phone calls for 5 months then supervisied contacted and for it to be reviewed again, my sw asked if I wanted a relationship with him and I was honest and said I did not know only time would tell and she was happy with that so there is light hun and please trust if u read my post u will see there was times I never thro I would make it tomorrow is dee day to how we go forward hun but Lee is great for advice and support and Lou is amazing at make u feel normal if u don't want to do the normal thinks there is no judgement on here,, I have a many time rang the helpline crying and they always sentle me and make me feel better xx x

Big hugs Saphire

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 2:14pmReport post

Thank you. It does make me feel better now I have posted here. I'm going to get antidepressants soon which will hopefully help I wasn't sure but I'm struggling to have a good day. I hate my kids seeing me looking sad I am usually very upbeat and happy. I am talking regularly to my husband and regularly talk about what has happened and ask questions which if I don't ask eat away at my brain. He has been honest to an extent but some stuff like the fact he used chat rooms has been dragged out of him. I am so disappointed that he did that and that feeling of I was not enough breaks my heart and soul. But also the feeling that my kids were not enough and they are the most beautiful precious children that everyone instantly adores. He is insisting no communication with anyone who wasn't an adult, the communication was adult fantasy not underage but images were sent to him and he shared them on and they could have involved some underage but he insists 16/17 not younger. I really really hope that is true. I could learn to understand that. I could not understand anything else such as communication or lower ages and I don't say that in criticism to anyone who is here who can understand or move on with those things it's just I know in my heart I can't live with that. But his police document says possession of iioc.

I am worried he says that because he knows I can't live with any more than that. He is a shell of the person he once was very emotional very shaky and very remorseful and sickened with himself to think of what he can lose. I am supervising contact which is going OK I just really struggle with the sw saying he is a risk, or deemed a risk until they know more from the police. She's asked me about our relationship I am not wearing my wedding ring and our relationship is firmly on pause. Last weekend I thought about ending our relationship for good as I felt sick physically sick with what has happened now I'm back to being on hold again. This person is my soul mate and I was beyond happy in life, I thought I could take on the world with him with me and we were best friends together we did everything together. It's so hard to be alone. I am so lucky to have my kids as without them I would not bother waking up each day. But I am so sad for them. Its very reassuring to see your stories and your strength I am 7 weeks in now. When the police came they were very nice to me very calm and helpful but they just had this look of horror on their faces and when I asked details about ages involved and how many images are we talking they said they couldn't answer but their faces just seemed to say it all, when I said is this a mistake they said no. I know part of their horror would have been taking someone out of a home with they said themselves was beautiful, all decorated for Xmas and 2 children sitting there asking for daddy. Awful.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 2:30pmReport post

I've just had a phone call from the arresting officer dealing with my husband, he was very nice ( don't worry didnt drop my guard!) he rang to reassure me that bail is definately postponed. I was worried cos we hadn't had it in writing, then got paranoid they were trying to trick him!. I watch too many police dramas!. He then asked how I was and how I'm coping and how my husband is. He did seem genuinely nice but I had in my mind Lee what you said so I didn't get into too much detail. He explained that it can be a long long wait and easy for him to say but try and get on with life as normal!. I also explained I was paranoid about the police coming again, I'd got into a state ( too much telly again) abs imagined them bashing the door down with a warrant if we aren't in!. He laughed and said it really really wouldn't be like that. He said they come very early like they did so it's dark and no neighbours can see!. My active mind eh!

Hi Saphire, hope you are ok today?, you sound about the same sort of timeline as me? Our knock was about 5 weeks ago and the limbo is horrible isn't it. The first thing I did was ring the doctor to get immediate help. I was such a state, extreme stress anxiety and very very shocked. It felt like a trauma, like someone telling you about a car accident. He prescribed me sleeping pills which I only had for a couple of nights and he referred me to therapy. I started CbT last week. It's helping as before all this I didn't deal with stress very well so the therapy is addressing that anyway!. I think further down the line I'll do the inform course and my husband the inform plus, just need funds. He's been looking at the modules abs honestly everything I read on them and on this forum a lot of partners have some sort of porn addiction that leads to a dark dark place. Very hard to understand right now but I'm getting there. I hope you're coping ok working from home with young children!!. I'm furloughed but mine are 18 and nearly 16 so a piece of cake compared to you ladies with small children!

Edited Wed February 3, 2021 2:31pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 2:34pmReport post

In other news I bought smelly candles today and a face pack, lots of new cleaning stuff and some glasses today. Love homebargains! Only went in for some matches! It felt nice for a hour not sitting and thinking!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 2:44pmReport post

Face mask are great I make try now for me to be pampered,, I was a girl that never went anywhere with out make up when I meet my partner and over time gave it up but now I have start taking the time to care for myself cause I do believe we get in to route of everyone else,, house work, work, family oh and then us if that makes sense,, I biggest fear in my life is failing at things cause as a kid I was always told I was failer and would maint to nothing,, so always be scared to let people in and help but this has trough me that if I want my life back then fear needs putting to bed and live life because tomorrow is not our right,, tomorrow never comes so this book of my life has closed today is the last line of that book and tomorrow is the start of a new book and new beings,,

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 3:25pmReport post

You go for it Vickie! Honestly a bit of self love and pampering is very much needed eh!. I'm 50 this year ( noooooo!!). I love fashion and clothes shopping. My daughter is well into make up! I mean she looks amazing with her make up she does. When I was a teenager we looked rubbish ! All frosted lipstick and electric blue eyeshadow!. Vickie what time do you go tomorrow? Is anyone going with you? Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 4:06pmReport post

I don't know the time yet,, but have to phone the court in the morning to see if it open to the public cause of lock down,, nearly there we have a take way tonight chinese then showers all round then try watch rubbish on TV been watching married at first sign Austria so funny it unreal,, then try and get my head down feel like I have a interview if that makes sense xxx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 4:10pmReport post

Hi ladies!! Xx louise that's good that they rang you( not heard from the oic since june 2019). And I have to prove him wrong actually we had uniformed officers turn up at 6pm and banging and shouting outside our property when they turned for my husbands 2nd arrest!! So some are considerate and some arent it really depends on the officers. And that's why you should always have your guard up no matter what they say or do. So pleased you had some time out and treated yourself!! I dont buy smelly candles anymore as thats my trade has been for last 4 years and I will go back to it when this is all over but I have made for the ladies I have met on here but I'm a clean freak so obsessed with looking at cleaning stuff and organisation too I hate clutter xx

Vickie not long now and you have done brilliantly dont ever forget that xx what time tomorrow ? Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 5:23pmReport post

So tonight's plans we been watching movies had a Chinese for dinner then showers and watch TV in bed then try and get some sleep,,, father in law called tonight he's worried about it going in papers and said maybe that might be the time to think if we should move out the area like,, fingers crossed we can deal with this as just a family and close the book and start moving forward xx update u all tomorrow, x

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 5:47pmReport post

Vickie (or anyone else) do you think if it gets into the media there is a need to move, if you've separated from your partner/ex? Could you still be a target? This is is what I'm terrified about, but can't imagine moving my kids from their schools and leaving my job, that thought makes me sad, I'm crying just typing this :(

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 6:20pmReport post

The majority of cases dont get in the media thankfully it depends on their job( if they work with children in a position of trust), if it's a slow media day and if press are in the court( rare at the mo due to covid). And being separated will make a difference to how people will react to it as he isnt at the property anymore. There are ones that move and dont move and it depends if it's a large area or a small community. It really is up to you and if you can cope with the looks etc( I stayed put and no one has ever said anything to my face but I get ignored which I have no problem with). Its rare that anything happens to the home but you could put up security cameras so you feel safer x

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 6:20pmReport post

Hi yellow we are only thinking about it because sw have said he can have supervisied assecc and my neighbours have been talking and I have over heard them saying if they saw him they would hurt him,, I know what he done is wrong he been on remained for 3 months and my kids want there dad and he is a great dad and husband I just don't know how I feel about him at the moment but I have said I am friend at moment,, its a really hard xxx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 6:47pmReport post

Thank you both, it's so hard, I am really struggling this week. I stupidly watched a Ch4 programme last night (think it was called 'married to a paedophile' and just feel so sad today.

Why would people ignore/be unkind to the wife/partner/ex of someone who has committed an offence? I just don't get it :/. And then people making horrible comments online... I just feel terrified. There is an almost identical case going through Court in our area at the moment. Actually, I think it's probably less 'media worthy' than our case, but the local media seem to love it :(. So I hold out little hope of us escaping the attention - we live in a quiet place.



Just want this all to go away, Meanwhile the kids keep asking me about daddy, and why they don't see daddy :(

Edited Wed February 3, 2021 6:48pm

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 6:50pmReport post

I'm also so worried about my kids growing up and other kids knowing, and them being bullied for it. I just find it so unbearable to even think about it, it hurts so much :(

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 7:01pmReport post

Omg can't Lee believe the police were like that!! It isn't necessary! I hate stuff like that!. I hate clutter but my husband is the opposite! Our garage is full of stuff, he's rubbish at chucking stuff out. I really hope you can build your business back up, I love candles and wax melts!.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 7:22pmReport post

That's it not anuf they been to prison and other things they may have to deal with and the fact they have to live with it but for the kids and partners it not our fault but I don't like running and if I didn't have kids I would be doing more to change options,, that might my fight when they have grow up xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 7:47pmReport post

My big fear is people knowing too its what terrifies me and I think it's what could decide it we can ever be together again. Only my parents know. My children are little and they're both sociable confident kids and I hate to think of moving them away from what they know and also hate the thought of them being bullied or not having friends because of this. If only they could have thought of this before they did what they did. I'm always looking at places to move to trying to think where would I go. I've always said I'd never move before this I would've happily stayed in this house we worked hard for it and made it a home from an absolute state when we moved in.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 9:01pmReport post

Yellow house all the kids at my 9 year olds school knew as the parents were openly talking about the live stream. He was told he was in prison ( which confused her as he was at home) that her dad should tot in hell and why was her dad all over fb? Minute ahe told me I went to the school and they were brilliant!! Ahe never had anymore comments and each child was spoken to and put straight !! That was in the first 2 months and then nothing it became old news. Also I would say please dont watch those sort of programmes they will trigger you and they are very onr sided find mind numbing trashy tv my lovely xx look after you first ok? Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 9:03pmReport post

Yellow house, I'm also incredibly worried about it getting in the press/ social media but I'm taking steps now to " soften the blow" if it does. My husband has deleted all social media. When we get closer to a court date I'll deactivate all my social media, I've already changed all my setting on Facebook to only me, or if I share a post it's just to friends not public. I'll go through all my Facebook and have a good clear out now of random non friend friends if that makes sense. I'll also get the kids to change their names on social media and delete anything connected to my husband. I also have a speech prepared for any close friends that ask about it. Any aqquitences I'll either tell them to mind their own or create a few white lies. I'm 100% in support of my husband. I love him, we had a great family life before this bombshell and I hope to rebuild it. I love my house and if anyone wants to confront me I'll be ready. It's either that or I totally crumble and my life is " over"!. I still think it has no benefit to families to expose the crime of their partner. We shouldn't be collateral damage or a deterrent! It's prove that reporting these crimes isn't a deterrent as they are going up and up!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 9:05pmReport post

Louise it was horrific and they put the handcuffs on him in front of our child so no there is no care of thought. And dont worry hun I have made an official complaint against the police force specifically the oic ( not just for this as ahe has done lots wrong) which is in the 2nd stage and I know I will be taking it to the high court as I wont stop until they acknowledge the way my child has been treated xx I dont make melts much as I prefer my candles and I love them they are all over my house!! Xx very calming and peaceful xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 9:08pmReport post

Also agree with Lee don't watch them programmes. I find the P word dated. The way the media use it to describe every single sex crime with children, the same as " sex pest" or " sex monster". How can thousands and thousands of men ( I say men but women also but not as common) rehabilitate and get help and therapy when they are all labelled the same. I don't condone what my husband has done but I don't in a million years class him as a paedophille and I never will

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 9:11pmReport post

Omg Lee!! Handcuffs! That's disgraceful. I mean why?! Did they think he was gonna bolt! Jesus. I read in the forum what had happened with your daughter and the oic, the allegations he made, absolutely disgusting I'm glad you are making complaints against the oic

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 9:20pmReport post

I cant say the p word!! But actually everyone uses that word without actually knowing the true meaning( people that are sexually attracted to children between the ages of 3-10) but it's a word that is used in everyone of these cases by the media, the justice system and society. I dont talk alot about our case as I dont know who reads this but yes the oic( a woman) has gone after both my daughters so no I wont let it go!! Xx then on top of that we got news last week about the historic case involving my husband that a 3rd victim has been found aswell as a witness!! Xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 9:32pmReport post

I'm forget names when in the 'reply' box, but I'm so sorry for all you've all been through, and the handcuffs :(... the police were luckily really discreet in our case. They did interview the kids though - I haven't read that this happened to anyone else though? But they were very subtle, just asked questions whilst they played with toys, and they were plain clothed. My kids are really sociable so they enjoyed it (they hadn't seen many people because of Covid! So they were happy to see new faces!). It sounds like we were fairly lucky in terms of the police.



I don't know why I watched that programme. I think I am desperately searching for anything to just try and learn more. I feel so lonely in this. And just keep thinking of the life we used to have, and looking at photos, and then worrying about what the future holds for us.



One thing I do wonder, is if we could organise some campaign to take to try and get the media thing looked at? There should be some protection for children involved? Surely their right to be safe and protected should be considered? It effectively just creates more child victims, but at the hands of the media/public, and it's so wrong :(.

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 9:34pmReport post

Louise thank you for your message and for the helpful/practical advice re the media x it's such a massive worry :(. X

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 9:36pmReport post

Lee I am so sorry for your 9 year old's experience :( but I'm glad school were helpful. How absolutely awful for you all :( xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 10:18pmReport post

Yellow the media will never be looked at as it is one of the biggest organisations in the world worth billions 2 there is freedom of speech in this country and considering what they do to the royals and no one soesnt anything( think princess di) why would anyone listen to us? Until the families are recognised as indirect victims they can carry on printing what they like. The vigilantes are a different breed and slowly they are crawling back under their rocks( I know Scotland are looking at banning them) and fb( their favourite place in the world) are bringing in new policies which has seen a few be banned etc. Xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed February 3, 2021 11:23pmReport post

That's encouraging, re FB and action in Scotland. Just breaks my heart that my kids are going to suffer because of something they had no part in and no knowledge of :(

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 7:39amReport post

Morning ladies, Vickie I hope everything goes as well as it can today love. Stay calm and strong, I'll be thinking of you all day, I hope your husband is ok too. Lee omg you are on such a long road with all this aren't you love. We had an ok evening, almost felt normal. I didn't get upset and we just chilled and I watched my soaps!. I think it's kind of a relief with the bail extended,I know still in limbo but kind of felt the pressure lifting abit with that and the SW closing the case. I may go back to work in a few weeks. I'm on furlough but can't hide forever eh!. I'll need to get my son motivated this morning! He's going into school and doing his college application there!. I email them and asked if he could, much easier than us trying to do it and then end up falling out!. Hope you all have a good day, Vickie good luck! Xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 10:02amReport post

Morning. I keep trying to reply but it keeps saying pending moderation then it disappears. I wanted to say good luck to Vickie.

Also say I'm 7 weeks in, he doesn't live here now. I'm. Trying to work full time and learn to be a single parent to 2 young children. I am getting some anti depressants soon after I spoke to my gp for the first time yesterday.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 10:35amReport post

Morning ladies he up after 2.00pm fingers crossed don't know if that's good or bad that it later in the day just want to know now what we are facing,, will let u all know when I do xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 10:55amReport post

Vickie you are in my thoughts and prayers today my lovely xx just take it an hour at a time and keep yourself occupied with mundane things if you can xx here when you need us xxxx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 11:15amReport post

Thinking of you Vickie xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 11:16amReport post

Thinking of you Vickie xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 3:22pmReport post

Thanks ladies still awaiting to hear if he has gone in or not thinking now the later it's getting worse its going to be x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 4:10pmReport post

Hi Vickie love just seen your reply, I blimmin hope they don't postpone it for you?, the waiting is very hard isn't it. Are you waiting on your own? Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 4:26pmReport post

Yes I have the kids with me Lee he went in at 3.34pm hun now waiting for my partner to ring me to see what they have said,, don't know if his solicitor I will ring me I hate waiting so inpatient it's unreal,,

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 5:32pmReport post

Evening ladies he got 15mths take away 3 that hes already done,, I feel sick then family are saying there must be more to it cause he got prison time I just don't know x

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 5:40pmReport post

Oh lovely I am so sorry, I have been thinking of you and checking back, I'm so sorry to read this. I don't know about your comment that there must be more - because from cases I've seen, the sentences seem to vary a lot for very similar cases... is there a way for you to find out more information?

Sending love and strength to you x x

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 6:05pmReport post

The solicitor is going to ring me tomorrow to see what was said in court,, was a rubbish time he went in to court I just feel sick to my stomach and don't know where to turn and don't know don't know where he is,, just feel like right back to square one like the day of the knock xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 6:43pmReport post

Oh vickie I'm so sorry I truly am. Did he have a barrister represent him? I cant see it would of been anything else as you have full disclosure with the solicitor. So he has 6 months to do then? For now just take your time with you ok? It's about you at the mo and solicitor will be able to tall you where he is tomorrow. Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 6:50pmReport post

Yes he did hun I one way if that's all is 6 months then it's going to be hard but I can get thro it just what's to come when he does get out and where is here if that makes sense,, do people do prison and then end up with SOR and SHPO so many questions it's unreal x thanks ladies xxx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 7:26pmReport post

I have no answers for you, as we are close to the beginning of this process, but I wanted to comment again to say I am thinking of you, so much xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 7:30pmReport post

Thank u means so much just feel like I am at the being again xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 7:49pmReport post

I'm so sorry, it's a truly horrible feeling - so I Know everyone on here's heart goes out to you, and that anyone reading this will have you in their thoughts.

I know I can't say anything to make it better, but I am sending more hugs xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 8:19pmReport post

The sor and the shpo kick in after they have done their sentence hid solicitor will be able to tell you how long he got those for xx he should have a lost of numbers that he can contact people through but the prison need to check the numbers first. You can send him money for him to use the phones( landlines are cheaper mobiles are pricey for them to ring). There is also a facility to be able to email. Not now but when your ready look at the unlock website as they have lots of practical advice xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 4, 2021 8:30pmReport post

Oh Vickie love I'm so so sorry, I really wish I could be there for you properly love. So he will do 6 months because he pleaded guilty? Have you got immediate support right now, I mean for the next few days at least with the kids? Honestly I wish I could be there to help you practically ( it's what I do best love). For the next few days you need to go into focus mode, accept all the help you can. If someone offers to help with food shop etc take it, honestly you will need it as I think you'll be in shock. Are you still at work?. If you are can you take parental leave/ emergency leave? Sorry I'm bombarding you. Please please take care of you and the kids right now. Your husband will have his immediate needs taken care of and his solicitor can help you the next few days with sorting everything so don't worry about that love. Your husband will be able to ring you as soon as possible so just focus on that too. Oh I'm so sorry xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri February 5, 2021 8:52amReport post

Vickie hope you are ok this morning love, thinking of you xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Fri February 5, 2021 9:43amReport post

Vickie I don't even know if you will see this as all my posts are so delayed or keep disappearing but I hope you are OK x

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri February 5, 2021 11:12amReport post

Morning ladies thank u all for the loves messages spoke to my partner last night I went off on one,, which I now feel guilty for but I know where he is and he sound OK he said if I was managed to keep it together whilst on the phone for the little time I could talk to him,, I just wished we had been told that he could of been facing this we was just given two options really but there end up been three,, now looking at it with a clear head 6 months is not that long really it could of been 5 years or more,, now the fight beings again with sw they said he can talk to them on the phone but she was about no contact supervisor or unsupervised well waiting for solicitor to call,, his mom and dad are behind us fully this time so I am hoping that will help us with this next chapter xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Fri February 5, 2021 1:14pmReport post

You were one of the first things/people I thought of when I woke up this morning... it sounds like you are beginning to process all of this - it must have been a huge shock. I guess it will take a while to fully get your head around it...

Sending love and strength to you - in bucketfuls

X

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri February 5, 2021 2:26pmReport post

Thank u so much yellow house had a belief chat with the solicitor this morning before he had court for someone else and said from what he could see on the report was that he been given 15 month in prison but done 3 months so that will come off which leaves 12 which he said he should do 4 months and be out but needs to read the whole report and will ring me back once he back from court it then starting the fight again with sw to whether we can go forward and what steps to take and so forth,, have to sit tight now fingers crossed like x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri February 5, 2021 4:35pmReport post

Oh Vickie love it must be incredibly hard for you I'm so sorry. I too woke up this morning thinking about you. So your solicitor thinks he will be out after 4 months?. Well love you focus just on that and it will fly by I promise you. How are your children?, do they understand what's happening xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri February 5, 2021 4:52pmReport post

They just know that he in prison he done something naughty involving sending messages which is the truth not hiding,, anything I just think I got a fight and a half again with the sw cause last night she said he could speak on the phone but her and her managed advice no contact supervisor or unsupervised so now got to start working on that x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri February 5, 2021 6:16pmReport post

Oh for gods sake!! I feel the fight you have with the SS is so hard love, I dunno I think they really do want to break families apart! I mean isn't it enough stress that he's gone to prison! Surely he's allowed to talk to them on the phone ( if you want that?). I know it's incredibly hard for you live but right now you have time to build up you're case for the SS for when he is released from prison. You are armed with all the info like before so stick to your guns. There are so many articles about the positive effects on rehabilitation when families are together so I will never understand the process the SS use!. They seem to do everything in their power to break families up for the, in a huge number of cases, low risk that the partner will abuse their own children.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri February 5, 2021 6:17pmReport post

Sorry misread! So he's allowed to talk on the phone but she's saying they can't see him in prison?

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Fri February 5, 2021 6:47pmReport post

I just wanted to say that I haven't posted much but read so much of what you ladies have been through. Vickie you and the others on here are a huge inspiration to me. How long has this process taken for you? I find it hard to think beyond today sometimes then others my minds race's ahead to the outcome whenever that may be. Is there any part of the country that processes this quicker than others? Vickie every time I read your posts I think wow she is so strong and made of tough stuff. I hope I can find the strength you have shown and I hope you keep that strength going x

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri February 5, 2021 8:38pmReport post

Wow thank u saphire i am one of them people tell me I can't do something and I will prove u wrong,, believe it or not I am only 3 months in to all this the ladies on here wow that's where I get my strength from,, u will make some really good friendship on here lee69 has given great information and advice,, I have my days I don't want to get up of do anything but I then tell myself I need to get up and do it or ly in my bed and could lose more but I have my days and come on here and get it out like xxx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Sat February 6, 2021 7:49amReport post

That's quite quick in comparison to most I see wait years. But even then it's so much to go through in a short time. You're doing a good job of keeping yourself going to get to this stage is an achievement. I'm glad that it was police who came to me as I openly said to my husband I would dread one of those live streamed groups turning up I used to see their posts regularly online and show him and say if this happened how will the family ever recover. Obviously had no idea the police would come to me. But they did so discreetly so no one on my road knows but they obviously know he isn't here as they don't see him. I wonder if you live in an area that doesn't have a big wait time for devices the police have told me they think the wait time isn't as long as usual here but that's just giving me a lot of hope that this might be processed quick.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat February 6, 2021 8:47amReport post

Morning ladies, Saphire those vigilante stings are the most horrendous aren't they. I HATE those groups and think they just be banned outright and I do think in a lot of cases they should be prosecuted for harassment, trespass, etc. We had the same experience as you Saphire, the police came very early in the morning and very quietly. They were respectful and polite. There were 6 of them, 2 dealing with my husband, two women officers looking after me and two searching the house. They didn't rip the house apart like you'd imagine. They had no need to be honest!. I gave them my husbands phone and two laptops ( wish to this day the laptops weren't in the blimmin down stairs cupboard). They didn't go bounding into my teenagers rooms as they were asleep. They did wake up but they still didn't search their rooms. They knew what they wanted, phones, laptop and cameras. They didn't take mine or my kids devices. They also left very discreetly so not to alert neighbours. I think we were very very lucky as you can see on here people have awful experiences with the police and vigilante groups

Vickie I hope you managed to get some sleep last night and you are ok

What are you ladies upto this weekend?, Lee have you finished your daughters room! We may get snow here! We've kind of reached a stage of feeling a bit better about everything. It's very strange. I mean me and my husband got in great before all this but now there's a lot more cuddles. He doesn't seem to be thinking about stuff as much. It's like we are in a strange bubble of normal but not normal. I had a really good CBT session yesterday, we talked about doing a worry diary which was very helpful. So today's plans, walk the dog, find all the picture frames I bought to finish off the lounge, nag my daughter that if she wants to move her room around she has to empty all the stuff!, and finally my husband is printing off those modules to work through. Have a good day ladies xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat February 6, 2021 10:20amReport post

Morning ladies well we had vigilantes for 1st street and police for 2nd arrest and both were traumatic!! I think with the police it depends on what units are involved and the offence involved most are treated with respect but have heard of ones where all male officers and enter bedrooms where women are asleep and will not leave whilst the women get dressed( heard that one twice now). The tide is slowly turning on those groups but what doesnt help is the police are mainly supportive of them even though officially they say they arent!! Xx

I have a day of cleaning and studying as have signed up to some psychology courses with a view to doing a degree in psychology as need something food to come of this.

Louise I saw your other post about bail and I doubt very much the police would change it only way is by solicitor going to court for a bail variation hearing. As your daughter is 18 she would be classed as an adult and so talk to your sw to let them know so they can agree and update their notes and make sure it is followed( we left the home for 5 mins to get milk and that's when the police turned up on 2nd arrest) so please make sure the agreement is kept xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Sat February 6, 2021 10:45amReport post

We were asleep in bed and I heard the knock at the door, he got up looked out and said it's the police. I was in shock I thought someone had died. I started to put something on to go down when I was stopped from going into my front room. They wouldn't tell me what was going on other than he is being arrested and I'd know more when he leaves. From then I knew, I knew what it would be and not because I had any idea but because I know why they come at that hour. I felt a cold sweat drip down my neck and my hands and legs started to shake. My children woke up to masked officers upstairs taking devices which I feel so guilty about I was too busy losing my mind downstairs to have gone up to them and wake them before they woke up to strangers. They took my laptop, his laptop and his phones he had a few some old ones not in use and his new one. They took some storage devices I had forgotten about and couldn't confirm if they were his or mine or who used them as they were things we had gathered over the years and sat in drawers unused as far as I know. They searched his car. They searched my phone and gave it back to me there and then. They gave me a leaflet and left. They gave me the impression they knew so much more than they could share every question I asked they just said we can't say at this stage but in their eyes I felt like they knew, I felt like they felt sorry for me because they knew one day I'd find out what's been going on. I'll be honest I told them he should go and jump off a bridge I told them never let him near me again and I told them he would never see his children again. I actively tried to find more devices or storage devices that I could think might exist and give them to them. For this reason I've been acknowledged by them and ss as very protective. But now I obviously don't wish him dead and I do let him see his children. I wish we had thrown every device we owned in a river long ago so we never had this happen. I had to tell my children they would not have their daddy for Xmas and I watched their little world fall apart and held them as they screamed and struggled to comprehend why. They're very young but the timing of all this meant daddy is at work was not cutting it as xmas got closer. We spoke for the first time just before Xmas and he was in a hotel room alone eating take away food working every over time hour he could pick up and he literally screamed down the phone, the sort of sounds you never hear someone make just pure pain and realisation that he would not have his children for Xmas and maybe not ever again. He loves them dearly and has been a fantastic dad he was also a fantastic husband and loved by every person he met. I cried listening to him knowing there's nothing I can do. We talk a lot, I cry a lot, I ask a lot and I get angry on the phone sometimes. I don't know if I can ever be with him again. I won't know until I know what is found as I'm aware that he could be telling me lies still but I am hoping really hoping he isn't.



Are any of you living with your husbands? Do you meet up? I only see him now at contact which will be tomorrow. We play it normal for the kids and they get so happy and excited for contact days. Also how often should I be seeing my sw? I've met her once so far, I'm not aware of us being on any sort of plan at the moment. Just looked at how much I've typed sorry. I started typing and I couldn't stop.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat February 6, 2021 11:17amReport post

Saphire love, please know I'm coming back later to reply properly! ( I also do the worlds longest replies!) but I just wanted to say I'll be here to chat properly ( just got to sort my sons college acceptance, then food shop, sort dog....! Saturdays are manic!) come back later love xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sat February 6, 2021 11:19amReport post

Lee!! Your course sounds brilliant and right up your street!. I've only known you a few weeks but I can tell you're character and you'd be perfect doing that sort of thing!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat February 6, 2021 11:43amReport post

Morning ladies,, well done saphire for reaching out and sometime texting is so much easier than talk physical and emotional seam a little easier to and ur right once u start they roll out and that's good, we didnt have the great experience with the police they had now masks on they where not polite really they where all males no support for me and my children,, they keeped putting back on my husband to talk to me but he did have the chance at the same time I asked on a number of occasions could ii ring his mom for support and they where like no not till we leave I daughter saw everything it felt then and still does they didn't care and even now I not hear anything from the police I had to chance them,, just feel there could of been done so much better and different and supportive to all party's involved xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 9:36amReport post

Morning ladies, hope you are ok?. Saphire your story sounds very similar to mine but I'm guessing from what you've wrote you are a lot younger?. Me and my husband have been together over 25 years, we have a great family life, kids very happy ( apart from the usual teenage stresses and drama!) and I was very much looking forward to celebrating my 50th this year then BANG!. The last 5 weeks have been hell but now we've kind of reached a calm bubble. The SW said she's closed our case ( although haven't had the paper work) and husbands bail has been extended, the officer rang me and told me and we had a good chat. He also rang my husband to check he was ok and told him to crack on and go to work as normal ( he did a day or so after the knock anyway). My husband lives here. We are slowly getting back to " normal" and actually weirdly a lot closer, lots of cuddles as he his so so remorseful and upset but those feelings have settled down. When it first happened I strongly believed he would of jumped off a bridge but deep down that wasn't in him to do that. I am very supportive of my husband. I don't know when I'll understand what's he's done but through this forum and lots of googling stuff I've come to see why these men get addicted to porn and go down the dark path of viewing and downloading iioc. Keep coming on here Saphire for advice but also step away if that makes sense. If you can get counselling I've found the CBT therapy very helpful. And do some things you love doing. At the moment we have Amazon prime on a free trial so I'm loving spending a hour or so rewatching Downton Abbey right from the beginning!! It takes my mind totally off everything!

Lee thank you so much for the advice about supervised contact. At the moment I'm furloughed so there's never a time to not supervise my husband. I'm thinking when the time comes and I'm back at work on a Sunday I'll talk to SW. Don't want to rock the boat! We want to do everything properly of course

Vickie how are you today?. Are the kids alright. I hope you are managing to get some rest love xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 10:18amReport post

Saphire I'm in tears reading your post. I have kids too, we've had some very sad moments too, and Christmas was beyond awful, it took everything I had to just make it 'ok'... it was just me and them. I found it so hard--I'm crying again typing that. Everything reminds me of him, there are so many times I go to do or buy something and want his opinion or to show him, and then I just breakdown and sob. He won't even speak to me, for abandoning him in this. But I feel I had no choice :-(.



The kids think they are not seeing daddy because of Covid and work. I have to work out what to tell them. Things online say about telling them 'daddy did a bad thing...' but I just can't do that... kids needs parents they believe in and look up to, how can I shatter their beliefs about their daddy?!

Vickie I hope you're ok today... and everyone else. I feel so sad today :-/.



Thinking of you all xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 10:19amReport post

Hi Lou we now have a release date and have had the report from the barrister when he was in court,, 4 months is what he got to do then when release he got do a mental health course,, understanding health well being,, he still wants to do the inform plus and and others,, he has no SOR OR SHPO I feel I can breath and start working towards get my family back together xxxx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 10:28amReport post

Thanks for your reply yes my kids are very young and I'm younger than you I am in my mid 30s. The things I really like to do are difficult to do because of lockdown and also childcare wise. The only time I have to myself is when I'm working and the kids are at school. And in the evenings when they go to bed, but I'm usually shattered by then and getting organised for the next day. I've only this week actually started to sleep after so long of not sleeping exhaustion finally took over. I'm just having awful dreams. The gp spoke to me about seeing someone and he said he thinks I'd find it difficult to fit it in around the kids and work which I agree with. I've only got my parents but they work full time too, so I might see them once a week if they pop in or I pop in to theirs with the kids. I don't feel I could have any sort of talking therapy until I know what he has done. That weighs so heavily on my mind I try so much to forget it or not think of it and put it off until they do their searches and then I will know. I'm so betrayed by him by the fact that he went online to talk with other adults to the fact he secretly viewed, sent or received any images of anything at all. We were two people who did absolutely everything together, cook together, watch TV together, we had limited social life since the kids so we were each others social life, we didn't get a baby sitter often so we had a night out maybe once or twice a year. So parenting was full on but we did it together. The only time he would have fitted this in is when I was working and he was in the house for an hour or 2 before he went to work or if I took the kids to a play date. That drives me mad, he must have seen me leave and jumped straight online. Clicking through images I feel I could deal with if of course the images were the higher end of the age scale. But the deception of talking to other adults, he insists he has never spoken to anyone under age and never spoken about under age either just general chat to more fantasy based chat it hurts so much that he did this even without the iioc accusations.

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 10:36amReport post

Yellowhouse how old are your kids? I told mine something that took blame away from me for him not being here but also doesn't put too much blame on him. I just could drag the work reason out for Xmas. It broke their heart but they have been so resilient too more so than me. Yes there's tears but we talk it through. My youngest is too young to have much understanding of the reasons but knows daddy isn't home and they miss him terribly. My oldest isn't very old but has some understanding that daddy can't be at home right now and that's helped them. I feel for you, how did we all end up in this horrible situation?

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 11:30amReport post

I am 33 years old and I have 2 children 4 and 13 Yr addiction needs I told my children that daddy had been sending naughty text message to people he should not so he has to shows his sorry and when people have been naughty sometime they have to go to prison and they have expected it and said ok,, but I have now been told he can speak to them on the phone,, yellow House u know ur children and u know there understanding level we are going to make scrap book for when he gets out to show him what we have been doing but take it a day at a time and don't wast engery on what but and if big hugs yellow house xxx lots of love to all that have helped me so far xxx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 2:08pmReport post

Vickie that sounds ok? The 4 months will fly by won't it! Bet you feel a sense of relief . Also good he's not on sor etc, that's really good ( I thought it was an automatic requirement so that's brilliant!). So just keep focussing on May time. Honestly it will fly by. I know it's weird to say but do you feel better knowing what's happening now?!. So you have 4 months to work with SS and get him home if that's what you want and even though I don't know you very well I feel deep down it will be a fresh start for you and him. You are young, you can build up your life again and concentrate on your own little family. I'd say even though he's in prison and initially charged that's horrible right now but you can breathe and get a glass of Pepsi Max tonight! I'll have a virtual glass of red with you love!

Edited Sun February 7, 2021 2:08pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 2:18pmReport post

Saphire have you had any dealings with Social services yet?. I think you said in one of your posts you haven't got any plans etc. Have a look through all the posts on here to get more info as I think you've kind of been left with no support. I understand the limbo and wanting to know everything from your husband but I do think if he wants any future with you as a family he needs to open up. It's incredibly hard of course it is. My husband has been very open and remorseful. I said to him at the beginning and I will support him. Like you we are soulmates me and my husband. I've known him since we were 14 and went to school together ( I hasten to add I haven't actually been with him since then!! I went off to be a student and had a lot of fun! We got together around age 22!). I think with the sleeping I struggled in the first few weeks. I was prescribed sleeping pills and that helped, only took them a couple of times. My situation is easy, my kids are a lot older and sort themselves out so all you ladies with little kids it's a huge strain.
Right I wish I hadn't told my daughter I would change her room around as now I can't be bothered!! She has emptied all her wardrobe ( a big IKEA one) onto my bed! It's the point of no return!. Speak to you soon ladies xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 5:54pmReport post

I have had social services visit me once. But thats all I'm not aware of any plan being in place apart from the rules on contact she told me to follow. My husband is very remorseful I just struggle to trust him and take his words as truth. It's mainly my own paranoid mind as the police who came to me just seemed so sure they'd got him and the questions they didn't answer their expressions just to me seemed to say so much more. But again it was a highly emotional moment so i don't know. He knows without honestly there will never be trust and I need truth what ever it is as I can't take one more shock from this. I got given sleeping tablets but they didn't agree with me and I'm woken up a lot by the kids at night so I can't afford to be knocked out too much as they can be very restless and ear very early risers too.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 5:57pmReport post

Thank Lou my daughter has gone to her nans till Wednesday as my son has appointments this week with the hospital,, yes my father in law video called me earlier and said it good to see u smiling I said I am not he look in the mirror and yea I did not even know I was lol,, yes lots of work still to be done but Lou like u said if we want it we can have it,, so me and my boys plans are chinese ,,, dancing ice,, showers,, then I going to chilli with a glass of gin and lemonade don't do it offen but think I just might break the rules xxx

Saphire there are lots of support on here and help also keep trying the helpline,, stopso has helped slot to but also talking to my husband and getting him to open up to me and be honest,, its really hard to hear but I feel its really helped with my journey,, and mtalkinng to my children. I don't know your charges or your children understand but I had to cause I could not keep telling them he was ill in hospital which to a point he was hes had a break down in mental health but that does not make his behaviour and my children need to understand that and social work need to see a protective parent and thats part of it but age right for your children,, but day by day hun and be kind to ur self. Try and save energy,, pick your fight wisly sending u big hugs hun we are behind u xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 7:47pmReport post

Thank you Vicky. My children are 3 and 6. They're great kids but very young which has helped and also made it hard for explanations to be given. But they're adapting to this new life quickly. Much quicker than me. He was arrested for possession of iioc and is on extended bail. Devices haven't been looked at yet. He initially said he thought he could have clicked through links he shouldn't and now admits he was using chat rooms a lot. But he came off them and hadn't accessed anything like that for about 18 months he says. The chat room issue scares me that more and more will be uncovered be he assures me it won't be more than images received and shared of late teen girls. Which I know is not right but it's better than what it could be I guess so I'm holding out hope for it being that. If it's more and he doesn't tell me we are done there's no comeback.

I'm glad you're getting your own head space sorted. You're a very strong person. Is there any part of the country where these cases can move quicker than other parts? Or any parts of the country where delays seems to be common? I hope you enjoy your little drink. I'm starting collecting my anti depressants this week so no drinks for me then so might poor myself a glass of something this evening once the kids are asleep.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 8:13pmReport post

I don't think so saphire we have been to court and sentence and still awaiting for devices to be checked,, my husband was arrested for a conversation with a under cover police office he told that is all there is and nothing else, , my husband has been very open with me and I am not by all means saying it right but u need to see if he will open up and talk about what got him there , my husbands told me he has addiction to porn and chat rooms,, my partner also said he was not taking his medication for depression and epilepsy and was drinking a lot to again these are not my way of saying it fine because of these things it's about trying to understand,,, we are here and to support u just keep coming and talking but be kind to urself xx x

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 9:49pmReport post

Vickie do you mind me asking how you know it was police he was talking to, did they tell you/him that?



I am a bit paranoid that there are people reading this who might figure out who I am if I say too much about my situation, e.g. kids ages, offences etc. Which is so frustrating, because it would help me so much to be able to discuss things more fully on here :(. So much has happened, it's been such a difficult journey (and not just because of what he's been accused of, but other things too). It really has been the worst time... and friends who I have told about this tell me all the time how well I've coped, how strong I am... but the truth is that I cry, all the time, I am so sad, and I find every day a huge struggle, and feel so incredibly lonely. I keep thinking about leaving my job, because I don't feel like I'm coping, or doing a good job (and I used to love my job, but I find everything hard now). I have been prescribed anti depressants but they scare me, I'm so worried about the side effects and of not feeling like 'me' anymore... so I haven't taken them.

To keep things so hopefully I won't be identified, Ill just say that my kids are a spread of ages... the youngest doesn't understand at all, eldest had a LOT of questions at the start but hasn't asked much recently. Christmas was hard, but we are mostly ok at the moment I guess. I have no idea how I will make their lives what I wanted them to be :( when it's just me doing everything. How I'll make sure they all have the opportunities I wanted them to have. Even just getting them to their various sport activities etc. is going to be a huge challenge on my own. In that sense, lockdown has been quite helpful, as life has been paused...

I am rambling! Sorry. I know we will be ok, I know we just have to adapt to a new life and change expectations... it's just so hard? Daunting, and scary.

Sorry to ramble on. Thank you for listening xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 9:51pmReport post

Saphire the limbo you are in currently must be so hard. I have to say, it did get a bit easier once I made a decision to leave.. (I'm not saying leaving is the bit that helped, just not being in limbo, so hopefully once you know what you will do, One way or another, you will start to feel a bit better) xx

Edited Sun February 7, 2021 9:51pm

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 9:52pmReport post

Saphire I think device analysis time varies massively in different areas, but I don't know by area where is better or worse. The police should be able to give you a rough idea of a timescale though (they have for us) xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun February 7, 2021 11:26pmReport post

There is a big back log due to the company they used for forensics lost their license in July 2019 and only got the license back in april 2020. Also with the checks it depends what checks they do as the forensic is the last resort as it costs them money to send the devices away for analysis xx most devices are check by the police xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 8:35amReport post

Lee that's helpful to know about the device checking. I didn't even know that the police might do it. I've read lots of articles about the huge backlog, don't know if that's good or bad in our case. Bad cos we will be in limbo for a long time but then maybe good as it will give my husband time to start counselling and addressing everything. I had a terrible night, didn't actually go to sleep. I'm not sure I can motivate myself to do much today. How was everyone's weekend?

Edited Mon February 8, 2021 8:36am

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 9:09amReport post

Lee-ours were 'sent away' for analysis... not by police... is that worse?? :(

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 9:10amReport post

I mean, they are not being checked by police. But being sent away for forensics analysis :(. I had just assumed that was standard!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 9:59amReport post

Yellowhouse, there could be maybe some sort of holding place for devices for all sorts of crime? I mean I'm just guessing but yeah when I spoke to the arresting officer he told us my husbands stuff is sent to another dept a s that these things can take a very long time and he told me to try and get on with our lives! He even acknowledged that would be hard of course!. They must hold a huge amount of devices if you think about it, phones especially. Pretty much every crime commited the person will probably have their phone consficated. Then there's all the laptops seized. The police took an iPad too. Then throw in police cutbacks plus covid, just thinking about that blows my mind!. When I spoke to my husband about it all he said it was so so easy to find iioc. In fact he'd be on " regular" porn sites and links would pop up again and again, so easy!. Yes the police could turn round and say " well so easy not to look/download" but I've really started to think the problem needs to be addressed at source! All the end users like my husband are getting the punishment ( rightly so) but then the websites are sat there getting off Scot free! It's not right. It's a drug and needs to be tackled at source like a class A drug as the punishments for users can be very hard and devastate their lives!. Sorry ladies I'm so tired and emotional today, feel rubbish

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 10:11amReport post

Yellow House I was told by my partner solicitor,, but also the police did tell me to hope all ladies are good today xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 11:17amReport post

Morning ladies each police station has a dept that they send devices to that is run by the police and are sent away to them for forensic analysis so yellowhouse that could be what they mean. It only gets to the point of independant forensic analysis when the police cant get into a device deeply enough to find anything. This happens more for iioc than communication. But it can take many months and at least you know that it can take a long time. I naively thought it would be done and dusted in 2 months and we are 2 years in march!! Xx for now the best thing you can do is just concentrate on you, your partner( if your supporting them) and your children. Your head can run away with stuff on this journey and you need to find a way to cope with one thing at a time. Dont make any big decisions ( it took me 7 months to decide to stay as I needed to see him want to be a better man and he knows there are no guarantees that I will stay even now). I also have a bottom line which he is very aware of and that's important to know what yours is xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 11:44amReport post

Morning all. I'm working again all week. It's so hard concentrate. This limbo situation is hard but I'm torn so I worn decide until I know the evidence I think. In saying that I'm scared that by the time I get the evidence I'll be used to being alone and maybe the love we had just won't be there any more. I do feel there is no worse punishment than taking a good parent from their children. And he is a good parent and it's killing him to not be with them it hurts him and it hurts me so deeply. I too worry for what the kids will lose out on. I'm not in a very secure position at work either which worries me I could be out of work at any moment and God knows what I will do then. I guess I just don't know if I love him like I did I care for him massively I am scared for him and when I see him he still makes me feel better just for being there. I don't hate him. I just hope I never find something bad out, as ss keep going on about risk he poses to our kids and how intentional his actions may have been and how some things can't be a mistake. And I agree with them as I am working with them but it turns my stomach when they stuff like that.

I might say it a million times over but I just need to know what he has done. But the truth terrifies me. Surely seeing that he now has a wife on antidepressants who frequently pleads for the truth is enough for him to give me the truth. He says he's telling me the truth but I can't be convinced until I know.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 12:17pmReport post

Lee what you said really resonates with me about wanting to see your husband be a better man and want to help himself deal with all this. We've had the same conversations this weekend. I said to him it's not easy for me to walk away ( he can't understand why I still want to be with him). We love each other and I can't see my life without him. I mean I hate this right now and I am having days like today where I can't feel positive. I have however had days where I'm ultra positive, getting loads done and having hope for the future. I also have a bottom line Lee that he will never ever have porn in the house again and he will take steps to stop the addiction. I've also warned him that if this ever happened again in our life I will make him leave in an instant and he really really knows that. He's seen now what he's done to our life but I won't throw it away I really won't. I think I may have a day of slobbing on the sofa watching Downton, I'm exhausted today

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 12:22pmReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Mon February 8, 2021 12:23pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 12:23pmReport post

Lee I also can't believe it's been two years for you, good grief that is a long slog isn't it love. It interesting you say about the forensics. Once they open my husbands laptop it's a mess, thousands and thousands of photos of everything! Like everyday stuff, hobbies he's into, family photos, porn. I truly believe he has ocd tendencies. Like he can't stop himself saving stuff, like he's obbessed with screenshots, he'll see something of interest and save it. His phone is full

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 12:23pmReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Mon February 8, 2021 12:25pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 12:35pmReport post

Louise the most important thing I have found is that they have to want to be a better man for themselves no one else because it wont work. We tried for 8 years to deal with the addiction and he tried to do it for me and the family but I am now here!! This time feels differently and i always remember at the beginning of our journey i was angry with him for just concentrating on him and not thinking about our marriage and family. But i will never forget his words.... i need to work on me first before i work on us otherwise I'm still the same person and nothing will change . And that is ao so true!! For the 1st time in 14 years last week my husband said he likes himself and i cried so much because he could never say that and i have never been prouder of him xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 1:04pmReport post

Oh Lee that's made me have a tear reading that. My husband totally knows he has to work on himself and I will work with him but not for him if that makes sense. It's been so horrible seeing him crying. He doesn't cry, only the big stuff in life like his Nan passing away. I on the other hand am very emotional, crikey I cry at every Christmas advert going.

Edited Mon February 8, 2021 1:06pm

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 1:08pmReport post

Just reading what's been posted today. My husband wants to finally deal with things he never has. I know he is sorry I've heard him cry and seen him come to collect his things and look like he could collapse in a heap. I know he never wanted to hurt me and I know he loves me and the kids and he would do anything to change it. It seems so many good people end up here.

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 1:48pmReport post

I was wondering if anyone could advise me if a step by step sort of plan of what I should do now in terms of any paper work or reading or courses to complete to keep sw happy and show I am proactive? I see lots mentioned but l I lose it in the posts or which post it was in it would be helpful to have a little to do list if that makes sense?

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 2:49pmReport post

I think at the beginning of this thread there is alot about safety plans so take notes from there and start building a picture of what you would put in it. Each plan is individual but they all work round the same basis. Look at the parent protect section on the lff website as some ideas there. In the plan make sure it's not just about safety around your partner that it's also what safety is in place for the children with anyone so online and pants work etc xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 3:52pmReport post

Saphire just wanted to say I could have written the post You made at 11.44... (sorry can't see an option to quote post). I really just needed answers and the truth-the full truth. I eventually came to realise I was not going to get them... and that's when I had to walk away. I think where there is honesty and a willingness to change, there is hope. Otherwise, the risk it too great, and it's likely that things won't improve. So I would say to anyone, demand honesty, and if you don't get it, you need to really think about how you will move forward :(. Xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 4:17pmReport post

Yellowhouse I totally agree!! Xx there are 3 ways to get the real truth going into the court room ( difficult at the mo) , full disclosure from the solicitor ( only with the permission of client) and the most important one is honesty from your partner and I think we truly know when we are getting the truth I'm a big believer in gut instincts. My husband said he would give permission because there is no point hiding anything because we will know the truth eventually and he couldnt expect me to support him without the truth. Ladies I have had to read conversations that no wife ever wants to read but I got out of wife mode and read them as his best friend and god it hurt but I know everything and there are no more shocks to have. And now no secrets and a new clean slate to start our marriage again xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 4:37pmReport post

Saphire like a told my husband if u meant anything to him he had to be honest and tell the truth and I also told him I wanted discloser to the case,, this was not to put in underpressure it was so I could verify want he was telling me and it was the same as what his solicitor was saying but I think the big thing going forward is he has to want help and to changed. I have put May things in place to Internet blockers and control on the kids tablets that they have to be in the living room on them and only hour spread thro the day,, I spoke to my children about the body triangle and what no means and that it means no,, and look at the PANTS website to hun its hard to hear what they have to say but it does help and I read the book porn trap to which really helped me understand xx we are here to support and help xxx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 4:37pmReport post

You're both right. And he is saying he swears he is being honest and he will give me disclosure with solicitors too. I've told him I'll be in court (obviously if allowed) I said I want to hear it as it's the only way I will move on. I know disclosure from the solicitor might be enough. I guess my gut instinct is not working right now it's making me paranoid and anxious about everything. I know I can't live like this. I haven't made him any promises about the future for us. I hope that as time goes on I can be more rational in my thinking and less jumpy and paranoid. Lee I can tell from reading this you're such a good person and your husband is so lucky to have you. Like everyone on here I read and think what amazing strong people.

I've collected my antidepressants today now in scared to take them but I will I think ill start tomorrow. Unfortunately means no more grabbing a glass of red or white wine on a weekend evening though.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 4:58pmReport post

Saphire if you have full disclosure from the solicitor I would say dont go to court especially sentencing as they are painted in the worst light and it can be extremely painful for you as the person standing by him. But you dont need to think about that yet hun as this can drag on and honestly your feelings do calm down( I know it doesnt feel like it) and limbo is the new normal just concentrate on you and your family because trying to understand the justice system is like trying to do one of those impossible jigsaw puzzles!! Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 5:55pmReport post

Saphire I agree with Lee I didn't go to court cause I had disclose so didnt need to go and I can't cope with seeing my partner and not be able to talk to him,, and the judge can be harsh to,, but take it day at a time wake u do the basic as long as the kids and u are feed washed and sleeping everything else will come with time,,, but please be kind to ur self and ladies have a look at stopso just put it in Google and have a look we all here to support u xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 8:03pmReport post

I understand. I guess its just in my head I want to hear it but I know no good can come from it. I've made my parents promise they won't go because its humiliating for me if they have to hear it. They agreed.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 8:14pmReport post

At the mo they really arent letting anyone in anyway and I dont know how long these restrictions will carry on for but honestly hun the back log at the mo is immense so please be prepared for a long wait xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 8:21pmReport post

Also ladies there is another forum which is a closed forum and so safer. Me and vickie are there and it has helped immensely xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 8:37pmReport post

How do I find the closed forum please Lee?x

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 8:38pmReport post

Saphire I have anti d and been too scared to start them too. Will you let me know how you get on with them?

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 8:39pmReport post

Saphire I think full disclosure from a solicitor suggests honesty to me, so keep faith for now xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 8:40pmReport post

Lee you sound both incredibly brave and loyal and I have so much respect for you reading your posts xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 8:53pmReport post

Hi ladies the form is stopso ladies, and for wanting to go to court the told me when my partner was up it was by video call and was no point,, look its hard trust is going to be hard but just what u know and feel,,

Bing on some TV hun and try and take time out and be kind and the thro group also has lots of information to xx x

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 9:23pmReport post

Yellowhouse that helps for someone to say that thanks. I just got to keep going and find some level of patience which has never been my strong point.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 9:41pmReport post

Google stopso charity and the forum is on the top somewhere I think. You have to fill out some details and then they accept you. It's a closed forum and different to this one as it's all by emails but its safer than here and there are many there that are on the other side xxx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 9:44pmReport post

Yellowhouse thank you and you know what yes I am brave and loyal but I'm not naive in thinking that my husband is cured as addiction cant be cured it will be in our lives forever but it's how he copes with it and how I learn about the behaviour that makes me keep going. And the amazing women that are my real friends that get me through my dark days xx support is the thing that can help you walk this journey because its very lonely xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Mon February 8, 2021 11:07pmReport post

thanks I will look at stopso...

I feel very lonely at the moment, I think the pandemic doesn't help, other than the kids I don't see other adults now, and I feel like I have bored the people I have told half to death now, as I have nothing new to say about it all, I just go over and over the same stuff. So now I instead spend my time hidden away crying a lot and just feeling lonely, and wondering where and how my life went so badly wrong. It helps so much to have this forum tho xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 8:36amReport post

Morning ladies, I'll look for that stopso forum too. This forum is really helping me, you are all so kind and lovely and even though we've connected through the most hidious of times it's a comfort to chat on here . I'm not at work at the moment ( furloughed) and I've only told my brother. He's very supportive. The one person I would turn to whenever life is rubbish is my Mum but I really really can't tell her, it would devaste her and I couldn't put that in her head too. I wish I could reach out to someone though. I'm desperate for reassurance and just someone to say I'll get through it all. I know I get it here and that's amazing but you know to have that one friend who won't judge and will help you but then that's a lot on their head isn't it?. I actually slept last night. Not got much energy today though, I was quite productive last week but yesterday and today I feel flat

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 8:38amReport post

You know the stop so forum do I use the same name as on here? I'm gonna look at it now

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 9:56amReport post

Morning ladies xx what is troubling you louise? Is there one thing or is there more ? Reaching out for support is difficult because you font know how people will react and so we retreat into ourselves I think that's normal as we are trying to protect ourselves from more trauma. But keep coming here and try the stopso as there are so many of us out there and it's truly the best support especially in the first really dark days xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 11:16amReport post

Morning ladies hope everyone OK more snow lol how are u all doing today,, spoke to my husband a couple of times yesterday as it was his birthday,, he said it was a different one for sure but will be more in the future to come,, yellow house life does get better keep coming and getting support Lou how u doing today,, big hugs to all xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 11:45amReport post

Thank you Lee, I'm finding it hard these last few days thinking about what my husband has actually done. It's eating at me. I understand how he's addicted to porn and how it led to this. But it's the idea of him looking at it. I'm looking back on our life and see all the happy memories and now all I think of is him secretly doing this. I'm a very open person and we had a good (and intimate) life. I'm stuck on how he's ruined our memories and how he's ruined our future life. I think if I was young and we'd only been together a couple of years it would be hard but I wouldn't have all this life behind me!. I love him dearly and never want a life without him. Maybe when all this nightmare is over we could do relate.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 11:51amReport post

I know a lot of women say on here " you can leave him" or you are strong and can cope but I want to be with him. I love him, we've been together over 25 years. Before all this happened we had big plans for this year, our 50th birthdays, a trip away ( depending on covid!) but now this dark cloud is over us and it's the uncertainty of what will happen to him. Lee you are so caring I really can see you in a supportive role professionally in the future, you should set up you're own support group!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 11:59amReport post

Louise those feelings are normal as it's the betrayal to the life you knew. But dont think that it's all not true as it is true to you both men can compartmentalise things so they out stuff in boxes where us women dont we see the aspects of everything and look at how things can be affected by actions. Men dont or cant do that. And by compartmentalising these 2 lives they lived the 2 loves dont have anything to do with each other and both are true to them. Not sure I'm making sense but that's addiction you keep one life separate from the other and neither life is a lie just one is secret and theirs no one elses xx I know the life I led with my husband was real and true and that he adores me and our children but his other life took him to a place that was all about him with no stress and he was 1st and got the confirmation that he was a good man ( all crap!!). Addiction carrys alot of shame and guilt and to feel better they go back to the addiction it's a vicious circle that is very hard to break xx but once broken a new person can emerge and see life in a very different way xx my husband has been clean for nearly 2 years and his brain has been completely rebooted thankfully but we also know it could happen again at any time so its learning the triggers and the causes of why that helps the most xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 12:30pmReport post

Oh Lee thank you so much!. You've explained it so eloquently and yes it's exactly it isn't it. You've described what my husband has said when we've talked. He totally separated it, at nighttime he said it was easy to just go on his laptop and while away the hours looking at porn sites, but then he'd close it down and hide it away and have a life with us. I've wrote down again all my feelings to my husband so we can talk tonight. I've told him it's eating away at me. He's printing them modules to work through. I think today I'm gonna just potter. I had so much energy last week but haven't this week, I need to give in a bit and look after myself. Thank you love, how are you Lee?, you help so many on here but are you ok?! Xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 12:55pmReport post

Yellowhouse and Louise I can relate to both of you so much right now. Yellowhouse you sound so much like me in the fact I get so lonely without him and it drives me mad. I wish in a way he was here to face it with me and see my distress. Louise this is what I struggle with I struggle with the why and I struggle with the how. Why did he do it, how did he not realise what he was doing, when did he do it, where was I when he did it? We spent so much time together and although I'm mid 30s we have been together for 15 years. Every happy photo makes me hurt, every time I see someone share a happy story like and engagement or baby news it's makes me hurt, I hurt for all those moments we had and now I know he must have been doing that in the background and it drives me insane. Yellowhouse I've had my first antidepressants today and I feel OK, my head hasn't dropped off and I've not had a mental breakdown so I am hoping they'll work. Which sort have you been given?

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 1:19pmReport post

Saphire you describe exactly the same feelings as how I feel. And like you say 15 years is a lot of life to of shared isn't it!. I'm going to sign up for the inform plus course. Not yet as I'm exhausted with the last few weeks. I'm doing CBT therapy and she's helped me loads with worry and anxiety and how to use different techniques. I've found a thing called " worry diary" really helpful. If you're not doing therapy you can find so many CBT support online. I know your family situation is exhausting right now isn't it love. I mean even being a single Mum in a normal situation is exhausting plus you have working from home plus the dreaded homeschooling!. My SW did say she could arrange for my son to be in school full time so maybe something for you to think about?. I mean my son being in school full time is his idea of hell! ( typical teenage boy!, will do as little school work as possible!) he is going in to catch up with maths and English as he's year 11. He's rubbish with the online learning, hates it!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 1:21pmReport post

God why is it when you're in a horrible situation it's everywhere on telly! Gmb were talking about giving sex offenders the vaccine in prison and now loose women talking about porn and the harm on kids. Cba today, think I'll put Downton on instead!

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 1:28pmReport post

Fortunately my kids are in childcare as I am a keyworker sometimes in my place of work and sometimes from home I split it. It just doesn't shift the loneliness. Due to snow days and covid closures I've had a few instances recently where one or both kids have been home and I've been working at home too which is a nightmare. We would get up together go to bed together go out for days out together and family walks there wasn't much time when we weren't together he never sat up on his own. There was a period of time when I was required to work late and he would be home alone until I came in with the kids. And there was. A period of time when he was between jobs so home alone. But apart from that I can't think when it took place as those times don't even match the dates the police said triggered the investigation and at that time I was home, not working finishing my maternity leave so only left to do a school run or a kids play date. I'm not ready for therapy yet I want therapy when I have more answers but also I just don't have the time to fit it in I don't know how I'd do it.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 1:29pmReport post

I keep saying it but watch the videos on fight the new drug as it will calm down alot of those questions. With asking them questions ask them about them not just how you feel( I know it hard) but by knowing what was going on in their life it can help you recognise triggers and signs for the future. Get them to look at what the outside influences( the majority of the time it's nothing to do with home life especially wives/ partners) and also get them to do a timeline because that can help with the why xx also dont ever think about why didnt I see it? because they become very manipulative and secretive so knew exactly how to keep it away from their home life xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 1:46pmReport post

He is having therapy he started it immediately and she's a very respected therapist with a lot of knowledge on this area. It's helping him and he talks to me about it on the phone. I know he's sorry, I know he's not attracted to underage I don't think this was for sexual kicks but something else. He said he never got off on it. I'm just more worried about the chat room side as if he has said anything or went along with anything that he may not have even meant once typed out you can't take it back. I will try and watch what you suggested tonight though.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 3:42pmReport post

Saphire my partner was having a conversation sexual with a undercover police office,, I understand what u mean once its typed u can't take it back but my husband had no images nothing just this conversation,, was very sexual nature,,, but I now know he got the sentence because he had put fact about our daughter into the conversation her age and the fact he had feelings for her,, he said as soon as he said it,, it made him feel sick the way it felt he said was like he jumped out of a plane without a prashut and he could see the floor coming and then the door knock and it was the police but he said that was reality like hitting the floor,, he also told me when looking back it was part of him he didnt know he was not taking his medication he was drinking heavily,, he so remorsful and sorry so for now the trigger we both know at the moment and there more I am sure that we will work out but

* he must at all time take his antidepressants and epilepsy medication

* he knows drinking to deal with stress will not help

* to keep talking no matter how dark it could be we must keep talking.

But I hope this can help but the person who has do the crime must identify the issues not us and we can never explain it away for them,, they need to own it and want the help to go forward,,,

Edited Tue February 9, 2021 3:45pm

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue February 9, 2021 4:00pmReport post

When dealing with all the emotions the only way I can explain it was like I morning I would wake up and walk to the draws to get my cloths and ask myself who do I want to be today,,

Mom, so just doing what a mom needs to do get thro the day washing cloths, trieding up toys, reading story's. And I would slipt into shifts so kids would be from the moment they wake up 8.00am to 7.00pm.

Or did I want to be vickie,, slob on the sofa watching TV and do nothing and them feelings are fine but I then realised I could do this from 7.00pm cause I know my kids are safe and a sleep.

I also phone family member when I feeling a bit emotional or struggling I don't tell them everything but sometimes just talking about rubbish up lifts me and then I carry on to the next day,,,

I also when it my time I use face masks,, cold glass of Pepsi max and Bing on TV,, the limbo bit is the hardest thing ever I have just came thro that bit not even a week ago its been 5 days and in all its been from being to end 3 and half months,, I was asked by my sw why I had put all my family photos back up and it because he my partner and the father to my children I have closed the book on our old life it was great and had lovely times but now we are opening a new book empty pages to fill with our new life what ever that will be hope this help xxx big hugs lady's and be kind to urself xxx

Edited Tue February 9, 2021 10:20pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 10, 2021 8:38amReport post

Morning ladies, oh crikey been up since 4am, lots of stuff in my brain. I did manage to get my son up though!. He's going into school 3 days a week to keep on top of English and maths ( struggling with the online learning as in he cba to wake in time!). I'll see how long it lasts, he's been offered a place at college in September so that's a relief. My brain was in overactive mode. I did write stuff down before bed, mainly another essay to my husband, all the things that don't come out when we talk or we go off on a tangent. Just a quick question, his bail is extended for 3 months. If it's extended again for 6 months do they then have to charge him or do they extend again?. When I google it's all sorts of info, from a time limit of ten months then charge or an RUi or god knows! Also when they are ready to charge him will they come to the house again to fetch him, write a letter, ring?! Sorry as you can see active brain at 4am!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed February 10, 2021 10:20amReport post

Morning Lou I don't know have no information on bail hun,, but try and stop googling trust it does not help in the slightest,, Lou go and look at the stopso website there is a lot of infomantion on there and sign up for the form room and it another great place to get help and information hun xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Wed February 10, 2021 10:39amReport post

Your questions are the same thoughts I've had as my husband bail was extended. Then I was wondering if they'd go to his workplace or new address if evidence was found? Obviously they've been discreet so far and I want it to stay this way.

Vickie I have taken some of your advice and I have ordered myself face masks off superdrug last night. I've never really been one to pamper myself. When things open up again I think I'd like to treat myself to a massage or spa day if I can get someone to have the kids for a few hours for me.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed February 10, 2021 11:20amReport post

Louise bail can be extended again but doesnt mean it will they can go RUI at any time and charges can be done at any time it doesnt have to be at end of bail. As for charges you find normally they will ring but have heard they send out letters but that is rare. Try not to google too much about the legal side or regarding the police as there is so much conflicting information and it will mess with your head alot more!! Xx at the mo dont look too much into the length of bail as it can change and you dont need to worry too much for that xx I know how hard this is ( mine has been on court bail for a year now) but try not to look into the ins and outs of bail as it can mess with your head too much xx do something for you today my lovely! Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 10, 2021 12:00pmReport post

Thank you ladies, I know I really should stop trying to find info!! You are all so right there's to consistency in how anything works with this is there. I was just so worried about the police coming round again. I mean they were very good on the first knock but I found it incredibly traumatic. I suppose I'm trying to make plans, it's irrational I know but kind of working out when it will all end but in reality we know it's not cut and dry. I need to sit and fill in my worry diary and then file the worries!. I think I need to be very strict with myself and get one of my kids to confiscate my phone at night! Stop me googling!. I have a free hand embroidery set I sent for, I should sit and do that instead! Thank you ladies you always know how to make me feel better!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed February 10, 2021 1:31pmReport post

I think that's the big thing that saved me is I have set up my own make up line online so I am part of that now and never really been into make and pamping my self but it does help,,

And look at the day as two shift that are spilt this is keeping my mind steedy if that makes sense,,

But keep reaching out on here or on the stopso group your both doing well xxx lots of hugs and sending love ur way xx

Edited by moderator Thu February 11, 2021 2:56pm

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Wed February 10, 2021 4:32pmReport post

My next battle is securing myself a better job. My current employment isn't very secure and it's only a temporary cover for a maternity leave so will finish in a couple of months. I have to get something sorted quickly. So my evening are dedicated to searching for things to apply for online now. It's a bit rubbish but at least it's a different focus.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 11, 2021 8:31amReport post

Morning ladies, Saphire good luck in your job hunting quest!. It's blimmin hard isn't it, my daughter has been applying for part time while she's at college but not even getting to interview stage, this pandemic has been devastating on the economy hasn't it.
I slept solidly last night ( took one of my sleeping pills so that helped!) I also put my phone in a drawer and watched telly all evening instead. It felt like a normal evening, disnt talk about all this with my husband, just had a normal chilled evening. He seems a little more calmer now. When it happened he cried a lot, couldn't eat and was very restless, it was horrible to see him a broken man as he's very fun loving. We talked about our plans for our big birthday this year. Originally we were going away. I might ring the police about it. I mean he wants to be fully cooperative with them so we don't want to be away if they want him in for questioning. It would only be a long weekend we go away, what do you think?. Today is 5 weeks since the knock, seems a lot longer. I hope you are all ok today. I'm gonna drag out my slow cooker and get a beef casserole on the go! Xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Thu February 11, 2021 10:27amReport post

Glad you had a better evening and night. Sleep helps so much doesn't it. I think my anti depressants are working I don't feel as anxious or on edge as I was and the constant sick feeling is going away.

The job situation isn't ideal. Hopefully something comes up. I lose a huge chunk of money to childcare so I work which just makes me annoyed but still I do need a job.

I'm really missing my husband. We are approaching 8 weeks now. The few hours I see him on a weekend for his contact with the kids feels like nothing at all. Valentines this weekend and I'm sick of it already. It'll be my first valentines in a long long time by myself. I just wish he was here so we could talk and hug and do the boring things we did before like watch a film or get a take away.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 11, 2021 2:11pmReport post

Saphire, I thought I'd share a little valentines story that hopefully will cheer you up!. Years and years ago my husband bought me a card. Put said card up on fireplace and didn't notice for a few days it was actually a birthday card he had bought me!! It had a sunflower on it and he knew I loved sunflowers but underneath in teeny writing it said happy birthday!!. Why not get yourself a treat? Something nice for tea? It's on Sunday isn't it? Get the kids to bed early turn off your phone or put in a drawer and just chill. I know it's incredibly hard to get the thoughts out of your head ( trust me I'm struggling too). I know it's very hard to do aswell but try some mindful techniques, I found them hard at first they do take practise but even just slow deep breathing works xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu February 11, 2021 5:37pmReport post

So still waiting to hear from the sw god knows when we will hear from her,,, spoken to family rights group and they are telling that they can't at this moment stop my kids talking to him or having video call I just need to be showing that I am doing it in the right way I just don't want to do something and get more grief for it, xxx x

Hope everyone is OK very tired today xxx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 11, 2021 6:40pmReport post

Oh fgs Vickie! So you can't let the kids even talk to him on the phone?! I'm sorry but why are they dragging their heels?! What the hell do they think will happen?. You can have it on speaker if it that makes the SW feel better!. I just find that ridiculous!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 11, 2021 6:48pmReport post

Sorry misread! So basically you're stuck in limbo with what the SW will do? And you're waiting for them to ring you. Can you ring them?. He's been sentenced and he's serving his punishment. I'd ring them and tell them you want a solid answer. God no wonder you're tired. My SW has rang my husband today ( they really don't do anything quick do they! No wonder they have such a bad reputation!) she spoke to him and asked him why he'd looked at iioc, asked him if he's looking at porn now and asked him how him and my son got on ( they have a brilliant relationship!) My husband was very open and honest. He's not looked at porn at all. We've got blocks now on the internet in the house and he has a block on his phone. He told her he hasn't looked at anything and he's so so upset and remorseful at what he's done. Shes hen got to ring the officer who is my husbands named contact. He told me himself he would vouch for our family ( I got the impression he didn't think highly of SS!). She would then ring me again and write up the report! I'm like fgs woman get on with it!

Edited Thu February 11, 2021 6:48pm

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu February 11, 2021 9:08pmReport post

Louise did he tell her what he is doing to address the addiction? Because just having safeguards in doesnt deal with the addiction. It's actually called the dormant stage it's when addicts stop their addiction but dont try to address it. And by telling ss the work he is doing to understand can really help with them because it shows there is remorse and understanding. Does that make sense? Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri February 12, 2021 7:21amReport post

Morning Lee, yeah does make sense love. He told her he's read articles, he's also started reading porn trap and watched stuff on that fight the new drug website. Also started them modules on here. He did ring his doctor too to get counselling. He had an assesment but the counsellor said she couldn't help, said she would speak to her manager but never got back to him!. I think the next step for him will be paid counselling from that inform course

I'm tired today, had a bit of a teary night. I have a funeral today. It's my Dads best friend. I lost my Dad a few years ago so felt very sad last night. Hope you ladies have an ok day xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri February 12, 2021 7:57amReport post

Louise sorry to say but that's the majority of gps responses and alot of therapists arent trained( or refuse to work with the men) in this area we tried for many years to get my husband help and there was none. The best place to find therapy is stop so as they have therapists that are trained in this area and understand the complexity of this offence and dont judge so ring them and they will help.

He sounds like he is doing so much to learn and that is so big and courageous as it's very scary for them especially when they take accountability for their actions. By seeing the consequences of their behaviour can they move on to trying to be better. The early days are so immense and emotionally chatgedthat it becomes all consuming as we want answers to so much so please give yourself time to heal from the shock and do things for you. Write all your thoughts and fears down and get them out of your head and then put them away. Google wont have the answers for you as there is no consistency in any of this but it sounds like so far you have been treated with care and understanding but everything is at a snail's pace but it will get done I promise my lovely xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri February 12, 2021 8:33amReport post

Thank you so much Lee, you're right it's been overpowering these last few weeks. I write lots of thoughts on my phone, if I don't it really eats at me and I've found the " worry diary" my counsellor showed me really good. Not just with this but with the general stresses of everyday life, I don't deal with stress and anxiety very well, if I have too much on my plate I'm not good at coping. I've told my husband we should have a " day off" on Sunday, a proper ramble across the fields, nice food and a no phone day for me!. My husband does want the counselling from stopso or inform we just need to work out funds. I think it will be well spent though.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri February 12, 2021 10:47amReport post

More lady's spoke to family rights group yesterday and feel that went well and explained a lot of thing to me,, just want sw to contact me now so I know what where concerns are if they have any,, but family rights said to try and give her till Monday and if I have not heard anything then to take it high like,, hate the waiting we have to do,,, hope all the ladies are feel good and lots of love hugs xxx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Fri February 12, 2021 2:33pmReport post

Hi all. My face masks arrived today so I guess that valentines night sorted face mask and junk TV for me I think. I really love all the snow we have had lately but at the same time I am looking forward to warmer weather as our contact is restricted to not being at home so it's tricky to keep the kids warm. I've had some positive chats with my husband this week which has lifted my mood a lot. I know I have been doubting his every word lately but this week he's really insisted and sworn to me about what he is saying is the truth and I feel like I am starting to believe him. He's really struggling and every bit of me wants to tell him it's going to be okay or say come over and just hug him it's so hard to see the man you knew for being so strong suddenly reduced to a crying mess all of the time. I hope you are all looking forward to a weekend that I hope will bring you some time to relax and maybe indulge in some treats.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri February 12, 2021 3:09pmReport post

So update got a email today of the sw saying we going to have CIN meeting does that mean we are going to be put on a plan or am I over reading it,, just trying to get everything ready for this meet so I am on top of it,, one step forward to the end hopefully xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri February 12, 2021 3:54pmReport post

Cin is a child in need plan and they are voluntary and they should tell you that but if you decide you dont want to do the plan they ca escalate it to family court. Cin means visits every 20 days so basically once a month and core meetings every 6 weeks. The visits are arranged so they cant just turn up( that's on cpp plans). Xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Sun February 14, 2021 1:51pmReport post

Do you only get put on a plan once charges or sentencing has happened?

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sun February 14, 2021 1:59pmReport post

No a plan can be at any time xx it will either be an agreement ( where you agree to their conditions) or a plan in which they have to visit and there are meetings with others involved e g schools and health officials xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun February 14, 2021 3:24pmReport post

Hi ladies morning hope ur having a good weekend and what are u all up to here comes the next fight,,

Feeling better had a bit of a let off to my uncle about things and hes been very supportive and trying to help with understand xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Sun February 14, 2021 4:25pmReport post

Hi love, having a very chilled day today. Well not so chilled this morning. Me and my husband had a very long time heart to heart. I told him how I really really feel. That at the moment I can't feel like I can be intimate ( if you get me!) with him. I have so much in my head about what's happened. I'm understanding how and why he became addicted to porn and how he ended up here and he understands too. I think it will take along time for me to come to terms with having a normal relationship. I love him so dearly that will never go and we will work through it but right now I can't get the thought out of my head of him looking at iioc. He talked very honestly and described how for years and years he's looked at porn every night and how easy it is now to find porn on the internet. I truly believe porn should come with a health warning like tobaggo and I really believe if police are always " monitoring" sites then why oh why aren't they shut down?. We are now sitting in the lounge talking again ( been out food shopping and stuff!). I do feel calmer than this morning and last night ( I didn't sleep from 1 till 6! Lots in my mind hence the heart to heart this morning)

Vickie that's good you have support from your Uncle. Where are you at with SS? I mean before you know it your partner would of done his time in prison eh

Saphire have you met your husband today? I hope things have calmed down abit for you love. My daughter has ran me a bath right now! ( I about fainted on the spot! Teenagers are not known for such caring acts!)

Lee how's everything with you going? I read all through the past forum posts and you have been such a support to a lot of ladies on here so thank you so much. I hope you and your little one are ok?
Right time to go for a long soak!, I'm furloughed next week for another week which I'm secretly glad about! Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun February 14, 2021 5:44pmReport post

Hi Lou

We have a meet with sw and others the 23rd Feb,, just getting ready I have made a couple of changes here and there,, his mother and father are supporting us no matter what we choose if we stay together and I am believing we can make this,, he called me yesterday and asked if I would send him his wedding band because he never wants to take it off again,, he had the day before the knock cause he had a shower and did nt put it back on. He been talking to the kids and you can hear he so chocked when he does talk to them. The kids are so happy they get to speak to him my heart feels lighter,, finding it easier to get up and do things trying to keep busy to pass the days. Glad ur feeling better hun and chatting to ur husband different valentines but me and my son shared a balit and then shower catch up with dancing on ice and face mask and cold Pepsi max,. We have made a vow that when this is done we will always talk and we will start celebrating things like we once did and laughing like once did,,

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Sun February 14, 2021 8:36pmReport post

Yes we met quite briefly this morning for his contact but the weather has been awful today so it was a sit in the car and a coffee whilst the kids ate a cake. It wasn't much but it was something and they got to see their dad. It's horrible to drive off with them every time I feel awful like I'm taking his babies away from him every time. He gave me some chocolate for valentines days and a letter basically saying what he always says that he loves me and will do what he can to make everything okay again. I know he will do all he can. I feel that this what he's experiencing now is the punishment saying goodbye to his children and watching the drive away every week that is torture enough for what they are suggesting he has done and a wake up call so huge I know he will never ever cross that line again.

The children are asleep, I've done a face mask started on my chocolate and a large coffee. Not allowed to mix alcohol with my anti depressants so no wine for me. The house feels so empty without our evenings together we loved our evenings together after hectic days of parenting collapsing on the sofa was our time. Trying to avoid social media tonight it's a valentines over load and it's driving me crazy.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sun February 14, 2021 9:32pmReport post

I know saphire we didn't really do valentines because I was like I don't need one day to show him love because we showed it every day but I have this year because I do believe we had stopped doing little things for each other. So I order a card couple of days and waiting for it to come and then going to send it to him,, he left me a voice message wishing me happy valentines and he loved me and the kids. Its hard I know when I watch my children talking to him on the phone they are happy they can but can't watch to see there faces when they can finally see him,, yes so think it's a punishment that they have to hear there kids or can only see them with us around and I know people will say they brought it on them self but they have to live with it in their head all the time. But it time to draw a line and start trying to understand and move forward,, hope u enjoy the face mask I love mine now time for bed good night ladies catch u all tomorrow xxx lots of hugs

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 7:53amReport post

Morning ladies, just a bit of advice really. I have posted about this before but I'm stuck!. I'm potentially back at work soon and I work weekends. The SW is finalising everything to close our case. She's spoke to my husband and it sounded a positive conversation. He said she'd ring me again then write up her report. In our initial meeting with me and my son she said she would be closing the case, still feel a bit in limbo as I don't have it in writing ( I always want stuff in writing!). Anyway I'm stuck as to if I ring her and ask about my daughter being the supervisor when I'm at work?. She's 18. Would the SW see that as me not being fully understanding of a risk? ( I am a million percent understanding!). My husband works every other Saturday but not sunday and I work most weekends unless I book it off. Or do I ring the police and ask them for advice then ring her. I mean I am fully in support of anything they decide and would accept if she said no, it's not like I'm disagreeing with the bail terms I just want to be 100% correct in what I do. Does that make sense. Just to recap my husbands bail is "no unsupervised contact with U18 other than unforeseen and unavoidable circumstances or unless agreed and authorised by police and social services" My husband lives at home and we are managing the bail conditions, in all honesty it's no different to before all this! My kids especially my son lead typical teenage lives!, gone are the days they doing anything with their parents as it's just not cool!. The thing we can't do now of course is my husband nipping to the shops with my son etc but like I say rarely happened anyway!

thanks ladies!

Edited Mon February 15, 2021 8:00am

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 8:54amReport post

Vickie that's like us too kids got in the way of us making time to do those little surprise gestures we would do before. We still told each other we loved each other daily and spent every evening together but things like flowers and anything a little romantic didn't happen. We didn't get a baby sitter very often so date nights were extremely rare too.

Louise I haven't really got the advice you need I'm sure Vickie or Lee will be best placed to help better with this. If it was me I'd probably just be upfront with it and see what they say and give the option you've thought of with there being an 18 Yr old to supervise. I know I'd be nervous of bringing anything up that could unsettle the situation when they're so close to letting you get on with what you're doing right now. I don't think they should question your understanding of risk it's just you being practical about something unavoidable you have to work so what else can you do.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 8:56amReport post

Hi ladies!! Xx louise you need to contact ss and tell them so they can adjust the write up to include your daughter. If the bail conditions say with the agreement of the police and ss then ring the oic too so you have covered all angles. Also make sure your daughter is totally on board as it means for her she cant go anywhere at the weekends which is ok at the moment but when the government lift restrictions she still wont he able to leave home or she will have to take her brother or her dad with her. As you know this can take many months to get a resolution and once there is an agreement its difficult to get things changed again. Also has anyone mentioned if the iioc were male or female? As that can make a difference in their decisions xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 9:20amReport post

Thank you Lee!!yeah when things get a bit back to normal and my daughter wants to go out like you say then I'd tell my husband he has to go out too if my son is at home. We can easily manage the sitution as my son is out of the house a lot in normal times ( likes hanging out with his mates!) just want to make sure everything is covered and by the book. I have talked to my daughter but yes will reiterate the responsibilities plus my husband will be fully on board with this. He really wants to do everything right hence me checking everything first! God it's a minefield isn't it.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 9:25amReport post

My husband says the iioc are female, not sure categories. He's not hiding anything he just can't remember. Like I've said before he has saved a lot of legal porn and I'm guessing the computer is a mess!. Like he literally doesn't delete photos or they have no consistency. He said he has a lot of general photos too, like life, holidays, hobbies etc etc. I think they when they get into his computer they will have a job, I'm guessing they apply some sort of filtering software? Else they'll be trawling for ever!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 9:27amReport post

So if I ring the SW and say about my daughter going on her assesment as a supervisor will the SW interpretate that as me not recognising the risk? I do, I really do! I'm just so paranoid to rock the boat, god my head today! So really I shouldn't wait till she's done her paperwork I should ring her before she does it? So she can decide to amend it and have my daughter on it if she agrees? Ringing the oic isn't a problem for me it's more the SW even though I found her very good. It's my overactive brain taking over!

Edited Mon February 15, 2021 9:30am

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 9:35amReport post

It should make a small difference as the iioc is female and ss I think may of taken that into consideration when deciding to close the case. You have covered all aspects so there ahouldnt be a problem. As for the memory thing that's normal I havent spoken to 1 lady whose partner remembers exactly what they have looked at or said. The brain is very complex and has an ability to shut down things that caused trauma( the trauma being the arrest). My husband has seen the conversations he had and still remembers nothing!! Nothing triggered any memories at all!! Yes people will say it's an excuse to not tell exactly what they did but it's a function the brain has to shut out trauma. It happened to me and was only triggered through other trauma and opens the flood gates to memories I never knew I had xx can you see I do way too much research?? Lol xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 9:46amReport post

Lee, even though we've only known each other on here for a few weeks I can definately tell we are similar! I also do way too much research!! Right I will bite the bullet and contact the SW. It's really playing on my mind and making me feel worse as I'm over thinking her reaction!. It's seeing all the different stories on here about people's negative experiences with Social workers.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 10:11amReport post

For me I need to know all aspects of this before I can take it on and I feel like a kid again learning but by learning I feel more in control of my feelings especially if anger rears its ugly head!! Xx as for ss and what you read on here remember yes we are all on the same journey but every journey is different no 2 stories are the same and no 2 outcomes are the same. This is your journey and no one elses and so this is your experience. We can learn from each others experiences and the knowledge is priceless but always remember it's your journey none are the same xx not sure that makes sense it does in my head xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 10:20amReport post

It makes perfect sense to me love! Thank you so much! You've helped me calm my mind a bit this morning. I'm plucking up the courage to ring her now! God I can't believed I've been reduced to such a nervous wreak. The SW is really nice, why am I so paranoid! It's the dreaded " what ifs" rearing their hugely heads this morning!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 10:25amReport post

I did it! Plucked up the courage to ring!! Blimmin answer phone! I left a message for her to ring me but now I've made the initial call I'll chase her. I bet you think I'm such a wimp lol!! Those " what ifs" are taking over today! I need to go and take the dog out, calm my mind!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 10:48amReport post

SW rang me back. I feel worse! I explained the situation about weekends and me being at work. She understood but just said she would need to talk to her manager??. I asked her where she was at with our case and she said she's just waiting on info from the police then she will write it all up. I'm now in full on panic mode!. Thinking she thinks I'm not being protective, but then I think I must be as I'm making sure we do everything right! God I feel horrible now. She told me I'd need to check it was ok with the police that my daughter is a supervisor role at the weekend and then let her know. I'm too scared to ring them now! I mean we won't do anything until we get everything in place. Shall I wait till she's spoke to her manager or should I ring the oic? Surely he will just say what do the SS think! So kind of stuck really! Would help if the police and SS were on the same page eh!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 10:49amReport post

Tou are no way a wimp!! I was a bloody mess at the start of my journey and actually it took being able to talk to others via phone etc that gave me strength!! Xx the what ifs are horrible but when they happen take your mind elsewhere. I have this thing where if there is a negative( there are many) I will find the positive!! So for me this blew my world apart I lost my business my friends and my confidence but the positives are my family are so much stronger and United, I have a man who deserves to be by my side and truly loves me now and understands what live really is and I have real true friends ( not fake gossips!!) that support me and my husband, my business I can rebuild and I have seen a side of me I never knew existed and that I now have a purpose to help others through this crap!! See lots of positives and they make the negatives irrelevant!! Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 11:29amReport post

Oh Lee you really do have a natural talent to calm people even though you yourself are going through living hell too!. I feel today I've made it worse by ringing her?!. I don't think it helps that they can't give you a straight answer does it! Like she just said " I will need to speak with my manager" so still in limbo! And the fact she seems like she's sat waiting for the oic to get back to her with info before she can conclude her case! Yet she told me on the visit a few weeks ago she will be closing the case?! I'm so confused and now I'm paranoid I've made it worse but then I think how could I if I'm being proactive and telling them about my work situation at the weekends! Arghhhhhh, I know SS must be incredibly busy but they don't do anyone any good by not keeping people informed do they!. In all this I feel like I'm the one being punished with having all this stress and limbo! Honesty it's intense right now!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 11:58amReport post

Hun the need to speak to my manager is their typical answer as they need to make sure their decisions are correct. No other reason and it doesnt mean they are thinking badly of you or questioning you. They have procedures they need to follow hun to cover themselves so dont think it's you ok? And by ringing them and keeping them informed then it shows that you are putting the safeguards as your priority xx dont second guess yourself with ss, you are the parent and you want is best for your children and are doing everything right!! Xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 12:17pmReport post

Afternoon ladies the sun is out by me has made me feel a bit better to see the sun. Do u want a laugh ladies well I wake up at 7am this morning woke my son up and got home ready for school awaiting for transport to turn up and its now 8.30am so rang the school to be told it half term I felt like we'll. What a start to the week lol my son thank god just looked at me and said u mad,, I thro I am something lad. I am going to go and get my face on and dressed as I have a video call,, yes Lee I understand what u mean I have always been the kind of person that wants amproval from others that it's OK what I am doing and always explaining myself why I am doing it. Like u have said I have found a side that I don't care about that anymore. I love him,, he's always loved me and our children never hurt us but this and truly believe him when he says it down to addiction and mental health and understand the risk and concerns,, today feels a very good day just laugh about this morning x catch u all later lol xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 12:19pmReport post

Thank you so much Lee, I'm not coping well today. Just finding it all so stressful and like I'm gonna do or say something wrong. You are totally right about them covering themselves etc. I think I need to distract myself a lot today from my thoughts. My plans were 1) Aldi food shop, 2) make cupcakes and chocolate cookies and finally start my free hand embroidery kit!. Thank you for helping me this morning Lee it really means a lot xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 4:06pmReport post

Well didn't get my video call because someone told the people who do the app he could not go cause he had covid and he does not hope that means we don't just have one left for this month now,, oh well he will ring again later what a Monday lol,, hope ur all having a good afternoon xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 6:26pmReport post

Vickie that's totally something I'd do!! Send my child to school in half term! What a shame your video call was cancelled. Can you speak to your husband every day on the phone?

I've calmed down a bit this evening, did some food shopping, a tonne of laundry and made cupcakes and cookies. I've come to think that actually my SW has probably got a tonne of work on her plate, and that our situation isn't as a priority as more serious child protection issues. I was paranoid earlier and thinking I'd totally messed up by ringing and her reply of " I'll check with my manager" made me over think but you're right Lee they have to cover their backs. I'm going to really make an effort to fill my week this week with " me time" I could potentially be back at work soon so I should practice some self care

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 7:22pmReport post

Yes he rings me thro the prison voicemail app as long as he has money to put on his phone,, but yea we try and speak at less every day.

Yes Lou it's easy done everytime I gave a question I think I end up making thing worse then over thinking and letting my head run away with my own thro's it mad but fear is the worse alongside the unknown.

So tonight is chill time a can of Pepsi a face mask and binging on TV to finish the day off,,

Here's to tomorrow xxx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 9:26pmReport post

Ladies can I ask, how long did you need off work? Did you take time off? I'm struggling so much, already had time off, but still just not coping. I don't know what to do :(. My job used to be everything to me, and now I just can't deal with it. I keep wondering if I will ever be 'ok' or be back to being me :(. It's been months now and if anything, I'm worse, not better? Though I do wonder if that's partly lockdown - no bubble, no family, so it's very isolating :(

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 9:28pmReport post

Vickie your story made me smile, I once nearly dropped my eldest a back day early (my younger ones were back that day, but eldest's school it turns out was back the following day). Couldn't understand why no traffic around the school, then realised! Agh!

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 9:29pmReport post

Louise have you had a response from SS??

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 9:56pmReport post

Yellow house take as much time as you need there is no set time do what you feel is best for you. The feelings on this journey can calm and swell over time and catch you off guard and that's when you need to make time just for you. As that gives you time to regain some strength so hun do you and just take it an hour at a time until you feel the strength returning xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 9:58pmReport post

I am glad it made u smile that what it was about just trying to make someone laugh or smile then job done. Face mask on tonight and bing on TV and eaten rubbish and chilled in bed feeling good,,

What's ur plans for tomorrow ladies I need to go shopping that going to be fun with these to lol wish me luck xx x

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 11:05pmReport post

Yellowhouse did you say before the gp suggested trying some anti depressants?

I was feeling very much like you, although I was working from home doing video calls and meetings I think that helped rather being in my place of work. But I was a nervous wreck most of the time, not sleeping, lost weight, head aches constantly and crying a lot. I spoke to the gp and he gave me a low dose anti depressant which I have taken for a week now. I have not cried since the night before I took my anti depressants for the first time. I still feel sad and worried but it's manageable I can stop myself and not feel overwhelmed. I felt like I was drowning constantly before. I know it's not the answer for everyone and I really debated using them but I am really glad I did try them. Maybe you could speak to your gp?

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 15, 2021 11:16pmReport post

Yellowhouse, the SW is now waiting on a reply from the oic. Then I presume she'll ring me/ send over her report. She is checking with her manager about my work situation at weekends. I have calmed down about it all ( thank you for helping ladies!) the " what ifs" were horrendous this morning. To answer you about work when my husband was arrested after the knock I rang work and phoned in sick, the usual " sick bug" excuse!. I then messaged my manager ( we have a great team and he's very supportive). I told him I'd been having a very distressing time and a very traumatic event in my family. I made out me and my husband had split up. I'm not telling work. I've kind of implied me and husband going through a rough patch and put the blame on me being very stressed and I'd had a breakdown, manager knows I'm having CBT therapy. He instantly gave me 2 weeks parental leave and then a lot of us were furloughed so I've not gone back yet. I'd say look at your contract and see if you can take parental leave. With my company it's paid leave and it's not taken off holiday entitlement. You could maybe get signed off by your doctor on sick leave?. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work. I love my job and the people I work with so I'm thinking it will be a positive distraction for me

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 12:36amReport post

Thank you, you lovely bunch, I don't know how I would cope without you x I'm so glad I found you.



I hate that I can't see your comments when in the reply box, so sorry if I forgot things or get names wrong.



Saphire, I was prescribed some stuff but too anxious to take it?! It's irrational. Maybe I need to try. I need to feel better! They are anti depressants that make you sleepy, she said take at bedtime. But I got freaked out I wouldn't hear my kids in the night :(. I'm so glad yours are helping, well done for trying them... I need to get brave and try them out too.


Louise will cross my fingers you get a positive response, and echo what others have said about being normal for them to consult a manager (SS are so heavily scrutinised after so many high profile 'failures' that this is common practice now I think, to cover themselves). And yes, also all SW are overwhelmed and agree you will be a low priority on their long list, hence not hearing back immediately!



Vickie think you left some kind words, so just saying thank you, and hope you had a relaxing evening and feel ok.



Lee I am sure you posted too, also kind words, about doing what I need to do etc. You're right, of course, I shouldn't compare, if I am a mess, I'm a mess, and I need to do whatever I need to do to be ok. I think I'll speak to my line manager again. Someone mentioned leave, I could get signed off by GP, but I think I might feel worse! (More isolated and miss my job). Then again, I'm not coping with work! Maybe some annual leave. I'll speak to my boss and be honest and see what she thinks.



Im so grateful you are all here. I've also sent an email to join the StopSo forum so will sort that out at some point, too.



xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 7:28amReport post

Yellow house, I rang my doctor a day or so after the knock, I was a mess, me and my husband feared I'd end up in hospital, the trauma from the knock is very very real. My doctor was very good even though it was only a phone appointment. He prescribed sleeping pills. I take one when my mind is very very full and racing at night.It's easier for me, my kids are older and sort themselves out. Yes they do make you have a very deep sleep but they really help, I still wake up early but it means I've had a full nights sleep! Everything seems easier to cope with after sleep. I also do CBT therapy to help with my worries and stress ( I didn't cope well with stress before all this! Always far too much on my plate and always running around trying to do everything!). I know this is very simple but the breathing technique she showed me is brilliant. I use it when I'm very worked up, crying, and panicking. It grounds me and calms me in that instance. Also mindfulness is good, hard to do, it takes a lot of practice. And finally tasks that really absorb you. I've been making lots of cupcakes for the kids and husband, they love them and my mind is absorbed in that plus I can't look at my phone!
I know all this doesn't make this horrible situation go away but like Lee, Vickie, Saphire and any other lovely ladies say on here it's finding ways to not let the trauma absorb you. If you're not coping at work I'd say take time out love, but you could write a list of ideas of things you'd like to do to help you rest and recover a bit. If we knew each other properly I'd call on you with my dog! Take you on a big ramble across the fields

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 7:45amReport post

Sorry bit random, but I'm really proud to say my husband has started those modules on the stop it now site. I know it's only a small step but I think they will help him. His next step is to phone one of the helplines. He's looked at stopso website and Lucy Faithful at the therapy so it's just a case of which one would suit. He really isn't a " talk on the phone guy" so this is daunting for him. Lee we talked abit about the timeline and that's really helped understand stuff.

i may look at therapy further down the line when we are out the other side. I'm doing the CBT but that's short term. I think I'll need help from someone like relate to help us build our relationship back up. It's strange because in all this there's been lots more cuddles and no arguing. I think it's because we got on great anyway, I mean there's been very deep conversations and I've told him I don't know when or if we can be intimate again. I can see that he is so devasted and hurt by what has happened but in a werid way it's brought us closer, does that make sense. Wish this hadn't been the way to bring us closer eh!

Edited Tue February 16, 2021 7:51am

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 9:51amReport post

Before I practice my own advice! ( put my phone away for the day and do calming stuff!) I wanted to say Lee not sure which post it was on but you had recommended a therapists blog called Dr Sue Johnson. Anyway I'm so glad I found it!. I've skim read a few things but earmarked it to look at later. I think it will be of great help to me and my husband, so I'm thankful to have found you're reccomendation!

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 10:17amReport post

Louise look for the podcast that she did its brilliant as it's all about the partners. I found it on a website called reboot nation on the forum area which is brilliant!! So pleased he is doing the modules and that it helps with talking. As for therapists go to stop so as they have a list of therapists all over the country that will work with the men( alot of therapists wont due to the nature of crime) and lff only have the inform course for the men and a course for the partners they dont do the therapy side. Safer living foundation for me I have found the best one out of them all as they truly want to help the men and really understand xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 11:56amReport post

Morning ladies I am on a combinated antidepressants called mirtazapine this is to take the egde of the anxiety and helps me sleep take one before bed a hour before I want to go to sleep. I would be lose without mine they really help,, I understand the thro of not hearing the kids I had alll the same concerns and I found myself just lying there all night and hearing everyone around me a sleep and thro so dispressed cause I just wanted to sleep and couldn't understand why my brain would let me. Then one day I fell a sleep on the sofa and was out of it and the kids where playing but that scared me more so I popped that tiny little tablet and I now sleep great the anxiety is going down and feel I can do more things then at the being we have days where we slob it. I have defo now more relaxed about the house work,, things that have to be done and learning to enjoy life and this is just a ugry part of the journey but I know there is so much more to come xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 3:46pmReport post

I have had the sleeping tablet / antidepressant form first and it didn't agree with me. I was anxious as my kids are 3 and 6 and both wake frequently at night. I tried it, it didn't make me sleep but I had a fuzzy head the next day. So I didn't take it again. When I spoke to the gp he moved me on to a different low dose antidepressant which doesn't make me sleepy. I take one each morning. I haven't had any of the nasty side affects. I just feel more in control my anxiety is numbed and I haven't been crying. So yellowhouse I would definitely go back to the gp and ask for something else that you can take which isn't a sleeping tablet type of anti depressant. It was a bit nervy taking them for the first time but for my own mental well being I couldn't carry on like that I was stuck in a cycle of crying sometimes uncontrollably in front of my children which then upset them. I felt incredibly jittery and anxious and could not relax my family were concerned for me. I found myself saying things like I didn't want this life or there's no way out more and more often and although I didn't consider seriously doing something to myself I was scared that my thoughts could progress to that and it was not nice for my parents to hear me say those things. So for me antidepressants were what I needed. Speak to the gp but if you are struggling don't feel like you have to, take something to help clear your mind and it might just make a big difference to how you can cope with this hard situation. Big hugs to you!

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 6:27pmReport post

Thank you all, the last post (I'm sorry, I've forgotten who wrote it, I'm so tired/exhausted today) made me cry with both sadness and relief, because I've been thinking more and more, 'I don't want this life' and 'everyone would be better off without me here'... but I then feel at other times like that is just a massive over reaction and I'm being really... self indulgent?! And I feel guilty, to be making it all about me. When I should be worrying about the kids-they are the ones who will have to grow up knowing this about their dad :(.



I might go back to the GP. I haven't found them very helpful tbh... and the well-being people (did a self referral months ago) assessed me recently (phone app) and refused to see me/offer anything-because I have an eating disorder. I waited so long for the assessment and just feel a bit... crushed. So I've booked private counselling, it's £50 a week, again, I just feel guilty about that... I could spend that money for the kids :(. But overall hopefully it's positive, if it helps it will be worth it...



Thank you for all the replies-sorry not to reply to all, I'm very fuzzy headed and will re-read once kids in bed.



xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 6:54pmReport post

One thing I will say is that the one thing that will help you through this journey is to become selfish and I know how hard that is as a mum but by becoming selfish you become strong and ultimately help your children. Put yourself first at the mo as you need yo gain that strength to take all this on and to protect your babies. I was only saying this today to another lady that there is no support for us if there was actual support for us we would be in a better place to support our children. Our mental health is paramount in all this because as mums we take on all aspects of this and then to protect our kids so yea be selfish and think about you first because it's the best way to actually help our babies xx as for sleep get nytol the blue box not the green as they do help. Also look for lavender spray ( in boots) as that really helps to relax you xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 7:27pmReport post

Ladies I'm watching channel 4 news now and they are talking about revenge porn. It was very interesting they talked about porn hub and how there's a call for a crack down on very big websites like porn hub who host illegal videos/ photos. Major credit cards have also started to not allow usage on these porn sites. Hopefully a step in the right direction to hold these huge sites to account ( as always I don't condone my husband as you know but as we all know it's a very devasting thing and these sites need to be strictly regulated!)

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 7:39pmReport post

Lee I am learning through all this that yes I need to look after myself a lot more than I do so I can be strong for my family. I know it's a bit old fashioned but being on furlough at the moment I've rather enjoyed the time to just be a " housewife"! I've been planning meals, baking, housework and slowing down abit!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 7:46pmReport post

Yellowhouse, you have to look after yourself. Don't worry about your kids you are brilliant to them. You being just there means the world to them but please do get help especially as you've suffered from an eating disorder. Don't ever feel guilty that you're not doing enough for your kids, I had the same feelings about mine the other day but mine are grumpy teenagers! All I have to do is bake some cupcakes and they revert to being young children again! It was nice!

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 9:23pmReport post

Hi yellow House I so understand my children are young and my wise auntie gave me some information,,

She said u get up every morning does not matter what time u get up step one,,,

Step 2 you shower them and put clean cloths on there back,,

Step 3 u feed them it does not matter if its a take way or cooked meal they are feed,,

Step 3 you put them to bed and cuddle them and tell them you love them,,

When she broke it down like that to me I was like OK so I get it and I was like but the is all the house work and washing on and on I went with the listed,, she then replied STOP your one person just do little things but the little humans and u come first the house will not fall cause it has a bit of dirty in it,,

This made me look at things different and lee is right u need to be selfish and do what u want and feel u need hun,,

She also said to me its ur life none can live it for u or don't make any big decisions just let the emotions roll and keep coming here we are here for u hun xx

Try and take time for u to once the kids are in bed do something nice for ur self mine is glass of pepsi and a face mask and bing on TV lol xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 9:27pmReport post

Yellowhouse I relate to so much of what you say. But do reach out and get the help. I'm sure your gp can support you they might need pushing a little with it. The thoughts you are having are what I had every day since this all started and I am now 2 months into this so early days I guess. It is not a sign of not being strong to get that help. I thought taking medication was a sign of being weak but now I know I needed it really badly. I hope your therapy helps. I still haven't spoken to anyone about it apart from on here I refuse to discuss it with my parents and I can't ring the helpline I just can't do it. I just don't have the words to discuss it. The only person I really talk to about it is my husband.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue February 16, 2021 11:26pmReport post

Yellow House ur doing well,, Lou u doing great to reaching out is a very big thing and it does not matter which way u reach out as long as u don't try and bottle it up,, just keep coming here hun and also have a look at stopso hun people are always here to support u and we will always try and help xxx good night xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 17, 2021 8:56amReport post

Morning ladies, hope you are all ok. I'm going to put my phone away today. I find great support and comfort from you lovely ladies on here but the other post that's been discussed ( the one about being weak) has really set me back and I'm struggling. I think it's because a couple of the ladies talking about the children in images that's set me off. I'm finding myself feeling ashamed and guilty for loving my husband and wanting to 100% support him and build our family back up and then I have that niggling conflicting thought in my head that I should be thinking about how those images are created. I want to be involved in the debate and point out it's a much much wider issue with giant porn sites and multi billion pound business but I haven't got the energy. I'm not hiding away but I need to maybe not read that particular post anymore!. Right today's list!



dog walk, dye hair ( daughter pointed out how my grey bits really show up outside!), finish spraying the second coat on some picture frames ( plastikote is amazing!) and general pottering! I have another week extra on furlough so off till end of feb. Have a calm day ladies xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed February 17, 2021 10:20amReport post

Morning ladies

First day wake up bright eyed and Bush tailed felt like I go this morning and then looked at my phone to see what time it was and saw I have WhatsApp messages and was like who that from. It was of what was my best friend and it was about me giving closer to her and how I have liared thro the whole of this and back pead so that the person end up not look as bad, this really hurt so I just text back said if that what u believe I am liar than so be it. Just have said the fact I just want to get on with my life quitely and that my right so I said u do what u want to do, but I am out and want to move forward,,,

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed February 17, 2021 6:52pmReport post

Ladies you are lovely and amazing, thank you. I will go back to the Gp, and Vickie, thank you for your kind and sensible words. My kids are ok, they are well fed and loved and cuddled all the time, they have bedtime stories and cuddles every day, and they tell me I'm the 'best mummy in the world' every single day. So, I must be doing ok.



Louise please put that post out of your mind. No one knows your personal journey or situation. It's all so complex, and you cannot generalise. Every situation is different. You Walking away, or staying, changes nothing in terms of the child victims. I've walked away - that doesn't alter what my ex has done, it doesn't take it away. Nor does staying. They will still need to face the criminal justice system for their actions. You could even argue that those whose partners stay, could be less likely to reoffend-as they have additional support. Who knows.



The child victims are not forgotten, and I'm sure we would all want nothing more than for child abuse, of any kind, to end today. And it needs more attention and it needs more investment. Because no child should ever be the victim of abuse. But this forum is specifically here to support the family/partners of people accused of these offences and to ensure they feel supported-and not judged. And that's very valid, because we need that support, so much.



From what I have seen on here, those who stay never condone the actions of their partner... they stay in the hope they can help their partner to change/rehabilitate/avoid those actions in future... thus the ultimate goal being to safeguard children.



I couldn't get honesty and I chose to leave. Equally valid response. There is no right or wrong, we are all doing the best we can, in a very stressful and scary situation.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 17, 2021 8:04pmReport post

Thank you so much Yellowhouse and you lovely ladies. I've had a terrible day. My MIL has betrayed us in a very traumatic way. We decided not to tell my husbands father about all this just yet. His Mum and Dad split up when he was 3. He has a fantastic close relationship with his Dad and we were preparing to tell him in our own time. His Mum has had issues with alcohol all her life. She decided his Father " derserved to know" and told him everything about the arrest. I am very very upset, anxious and lost tonight. Her actions without consulting us first has caused a lot of trauma with me. I feel horrible tonight. Sorry girls. I was starting to feel brighter but this has set me right back. I hope you are all ok. Sending hugs and love xx

Edited Wed February 17, 2021 8:06pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 17, 2021 8:07pmReport post

Vickie I'm so sorry about your friend. It seems we've both had a day of it eh love. You did right by telling her you are starting over with a fresh new page with your husband xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed February 17, 2021 8:09pmReport post

Actually yellowhouse you make a good point there!! The rate of re offending in these cases in low I do believe in last report it was 4% and men that are supported by loved one( not authorities like probation etc) the rate lowers to about 2% I think I would have to look for them again but it's around those figures. And the rate from going from non contact to contact is around 3 % xx you have said exactly what I said on that thread today that this forum is for support and advice. We dont condone what they have done in any way but for me i need to understand even if i leave( which i wont now) so i could have closure and piece of mind xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Wed February 17, 2021 8:13pmReport post

Louise I get where you are coming from. This is something I torture myself with daily about the children in the images, the whys and how's and the what the hell was he thinking thoughts that honestly leave me feeling so far from myself. It's the hardest bit. The person you know and the person you love and then the person who looked at these images. It's so hard. It's why I can't make my mind up. And I admire those that are strong enough to back their partners it's not weakness its absolute strength in my eyes.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed February 17, 2021 9:01pmReport post

Hi ladies

Hope everyone is feeling OK,, I had a bit of a rubbish morning but then my in laws picked me up and gave me a good talking to and I have made my choose to stand by my partner and the rest can go do one cause after what a friend of 30 years said made me realise that I could of thrown it all away and that what she felt well so who needs enemies. Like I understand its hard for her but I don't deserve to be spoke to the way I have been today at all.

So here's to my new book and making new friends,, so class of pepis pingles and binging on TV here we come,,

Ladies u have to do what makes u happy I have learnt that today and yes we also have to keep the little humans in our life's safe to,,

Keep calm drink pepsi and be kind to ur self this is the end to my day xxx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed February 17, 2021 10:08pmReport post

Vickie I missed your post re your friend, I was juggling kids, shopping, etc... I am so sorry you've had to deal with that :(. I hope you are ok this evening xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed February 17, 2021 10:09pmReport post

Louise I am sorry about the betrayal of your trust, and I hope you are ok. Sending hugs xx

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Wed February 17, 2021 10:14pmReport post

Also Louise, I think I am learning that setbacks are kind of par for the course with this, I feel like it is a huge rollercoaster, and every time I feel I'm getting somewhere, there is another giant twist, or a setback, and I'm right back to feeling confused and lost and distraught. I don't know a good way to deal with that, other than keeping talking, and remembering you are doing the absolute best you can do, and that's all that we can do. And we can't control what others around us do, we just have to deal with it the best we can. Sending love xx

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed February 17, 2021 10:47pmReport post

Thank u yellow House I am OK hun I just learnt that people have opinions and don't really care about people's feelings,, I think the bit that hurt for me the most was to be called a lair and to be told I am covering for my husband and that makes me just as bad as him. But like said I am passed it now and just want to move on and start rebuilding life and looking after my kids if people don't like it they know where the door is so then walk thro it and dont let it hit u on the way out..

Just going to keep with the people who are supporting us and love us its a very emotional roll a cost,,

Love and hugs x be kind to ur self ladies xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Thu February 18, 2021 1:34amReport post

I'm wide awake. I havent spoken to anyone face to face for so long about this and then spoke to my mum this evening and said I didn't know id do in terms of my relationship with my husband. Then she said her opinion didn't matter. Then during the rest of the chat she said how images online are still real people and real abuse. And now I feel sick. But I can't cry or react in the way I would because I've lost ths ability to cry recently its like I've ran out of tears or my anti depressants just aren't letting me cry. So I'm wide awake thinking what the hell am I going to do with my life and how my kids just don't deserve this. Do the men ever get the right to co-parent again with unsupervised contact? I just can't stop thinking of it all tonight

Yellowhouse

Member since
December 2020

72 posts

Posted Thu February 18, 2021 3:02amReport post

Vickie you're lovely, and you're right to focus on moving forwards xx leave people to their opinions, no one knows what a other person is going through and they shouldn't judge you x

saphire I don't have answers you need, I too am still near to the start of this journey, but I didn't want to not reply, as I feel for you so much. It's hard. It's so hard to understand why anyone could, or would, look at those images :(. Have you looked at the (Inform? I think it's called?) Course? That's for partners of people arrested for iioc, I think? Maybe that could be a good way to start to make sense of it all? Xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Thu February 18, 2021 7:35amReport post

Yellowhouse I have looked into it and I will complete it at some point. I just need the finances if I'm thinking of the right one it's quite expensive to do? I know it'll be money well spent but right now I don't have it.

I guess I just wanted my mum to say if you want to be with him we will support you. But instead she brought up the fact its real life children in the images which I know believe me I know I am haunted by dreams of what might be in those images. Every time I look at my own children and their innocence and my need to protect them it reminds me. I've told him this too I have told him to put his own children in the position of the children in these images online and to think of the terrible things some people would do to them. And how he could be classified as one of those people. It was a horrible thing to say to him and maybe I wanted to hurt him or maybe I wanted him to wake up and feel what he has done and I know he does and I know when I said that he cried and sobbed and pleaded with me that he isn't one of those people. I just need answers from the police as I get answers from him but I never trust them to be the full truth. I've had a few days where I've been doing better and it's came crashing down now. I'm better off not talking to people about it ive only got my mum and dad who know.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu February 18, 2021 7:56amReport post

The inform course for partners is free but you pay £80 for the consultation beforehand so it wont cost that much. I know many ladies that have done it and they have found it really helped them xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 18, 2021 8:13amReport post

Oh Saphire love I'm so sorry you've had such a rough night haven't you. I've had the same conversations with my husband. Yea those images are horrific and I questioned what made my husband look. We've had some very deep conversations, he told me he would be in the grip of just looking at porn every night, clicking and clicking and the more explicit it got he said it just didn't register, does that make sense?. He became numb to it. When he clicked on the iioc he said it was something more expilit that he knew he shouldn't be looking at but the compulsion took over. As Lee reccomends a lot and I took that advice, read the porn trap, and articles relating to porn addiction. I also reasearched alot about how easy it is to get porn now on the internet. I'm an oldie and remember if you wanted porn it was from a paper shop in the top shelf!. It's everywhere now. Yes we can argue the debate that people like our husbands are feeding the demand for iioc but I truly think the porn industry should be strictly regulated and held to account. I've hardly read anything online about people who actually abuse the children, video them and post the images online getting caught. Porn should come with health warning for addiction, it's a very powerful drug. We are seeing more and more young teenagers commiting this crime as they see porn as the normal part of society. Saphire, you say you've spoke with your Mum, can she help with the kids at the weekends? I think you need some rest my love, even just so you can sleep, it really sounds like you are running on empty. If I knew you ladies in real life I'd have your kids for the day! They'd distract me and you'd all get some sleep! My kids are a doddle! Expensive but a doddle!

Edited Thu February 18, 2021 8:20am

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Thu February 18, 2021 9:31amReport post

Lee - thank you I will make this my priority to look into this I think I'm getting confused with something else I looked at. I keep losing track of stuff I'm reading so much I get in a muddle. I think I'll get a notebook and start writing a list of things I need to do.

Louise, it's hard isn't it. I only get to speak to my husband maybe once a week a phone call or what ever chat we fit into our contact day which isn't much as the kids are there. We try to talk in the evening once a week at least mainly due to his work commitments. But these conversations I wish we could have face to face that's why I can't always take his word for it as I feel like I need to look him in the eye and see him say stuff and see him answer me and judge it where as on the phone its a mix of him being upset and sounding really distraught and in a dark place or sounding calm. Either one isn't great as I don't want him to be in the pain I've heard him in like I've heard a grown man scream and cry and literally sound like he is howling in pain at what has happened or I've heard him talk calmly and then I think how can you sound so calm and emotionless but maybe he is just talking with clarity and honesty. My own head is not my friend in this. I am my own enemy. I read and I watch that c4 programme and I know it'll make me physically sick to listen to but sometimes that is what I want to feel sometimes I want to feel sick I want to suffer to feel something and remind myself what he has done particularly after contact when sometimes for a couple of minutes I feel this sense of relaxation sweep over me as we are together again and I feel safe again. Then I come home and think snap out of that feeling right now, he is going to hurt you again and it will feel so much worse than before. I don't know if any of that makes sense or makes me sound crazy?

What makes it hard as well is I know he went to lengths to hide it as he was never up all night. We went to bed together, always. We did everything together, always. Apart from the rare play date or time where I was working and he was home and the kids were in childcare.

My parents don't have my children very often they never have. They've had them over night three times since this all happened and I am about 2 months in now. And that's loads more as usually they would have them over night maybe twice a year. They don't come and take them for the day either they will visit. But it turns into me making coffee and sandwiches and cleaning up more dishes than I had before. I don't ask them, I'm very much of the view that if they can't see what's happening with their own eyes and help more then why should I drag it out of them. They love my children but my children are hard work they are very young and demanding. My parents work and like their downtime. They've bought a holiday home in the last couple of years and will spend most of their weekends there when warmer months come in if covid rules allow. That's what they've always done they've always booked a new weekend getaway or rented out a place for the summer and been away every weekend of spring and summer since the kids were born. So I know they'll go back to doing that soon too.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu February 18, 2021 4:31pmReport post

Afternoon hope everyone has been kind to u,,

Wake up today feeling,, lighter,, never thro these words would come out my mouth but here goes happier,,

Yesterday was a bad day with bits and pieces but I didn't sir down and cry which a couple of weeks ago I would of and eat my weight in chocolate to feel better,, but no I feel a on strength and have finally feel like if u don't want to come on my journey then don't but I am living for me and my kids and what we want.

Don't get me wrong it's taken a lot of talking on here and to family to get where I am,, its a very emotional roller coaster and one I feel I have got off for now,, feel I can start to heal.

A wise women told me to take each day as they come,, even hour by hour if I need to. She also said cry if u need to lett it out shout, scream but don't bottle it up.

A wise women told me to stop look around me what do u see,, I said two children who are happy and getting on with their lives,, she then said what do u want as a mom, as a person.

A wise women then said to me sit do i am not there but feel my arms around u holding u,, ur not alone even if u feel u are put your hand out it looks empty I know but its not my hand is in ur I walk with u thro this journey but first u need to STOP ur not wounder women,, ur human and u can't do everything and u need to understand that we having breaking points so STOP breath now take my hand and we will walk together.

This wise women as always been there for me and has always has wise words for me the support me,, and the support u ladies has been amazing and we are here for each other with dark into the light.

So what I am trying to say is be kind and don't rush thro the emotions I am at the point I am taking away the toxic people and quietly rebuilding my life and moving on.

If I can help I am always here drop a line and always and get back to xx please be kind to ur self lots of hugs xx x

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Fri February 19, 2021 12:29pmReport post

Vickie that's some really good advice. I hope you are doing OK?

What steps can I take to protect myself and children from being connected to my husband if it went to court and was in the media? Obviously we all have his surname. I will delete my social media if he is charged as I use it currently to talk to family and friends. So I will shut all that down. Should he change his name and when? He is at a different address but would my address be shared?

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri February 19, 2021 1:29pmReport post

Hi saphire

As u know my partner has been charged and it has not gone in the papers,, it depends if u want to support him or walk away and have a clean brake. I speak to my partner every day I send him money to keep in contact because they only get a small amount till they are sentenced then they have the option to work or do education my partner has choose to work as it gives him more money and I don't have to send as much for him to phone me and the kids. Saphire have u got a date for court yet if not just try and slow down a little bit enjoy the time u have got and what have you told the kids to why ur partner is not at home we are making scrap books for my partner to look at when he is out,, this part is hard the limbo and not knowing where or what is going on. How much support u have,, having the kids around all day every day is very hard hun that why I broke it down into shifts and made a route then the weekend comes and we break free and have fun and let them do what they want to a point. Me and partner wirte to each other as well as talking on the phone cause some question can be hard to say or for our partners to answer but writing down can help them to,,

People will always have a opinions hun and u can listen take bits from it and learn but u can't put ur options on individuals who don't want to listen or feel they can't deal with it but they need to be honest with u about it.

Alot also stands on what the judge says on the day and what sentence he gets,, then u can start to move things forward but for now just try and relax and take each day as they come. You got this hun and if u need any of us just drop a line and we will try and help u thro xxx big hugs xxx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Fri February 19, 2021 9:34pmReport post

Thank you Vickie. I know I do need to stop. I thought my medication had helped me to calm a bit lately as I'd stopped crying. I can't actually cry I've either ran out fo tears or its the tablets they've just stopped me from crying. But the constant thoughts and analysis of everything is still there and once it starts it grows and eats away at me. I know what ever I decide I will make it my choice and leave behind those that won't come with me in my next steps. I also know I won't change people's opinions. My children just think he has been in trouble and can't come home. It's hard on them. They're too young to understand more than that but old enough to understand daddy isn't here and it hurts them so much its heart breaking. They are lucky that they do get contact once a week because that's all we can manage between our work life and contact has to be away from our house which is bloody annoying. All it does is make my kids ask him constantly can you come home with us today daddy just for a cup of tea or just to read a story with us or just to watch tv for a little bit together. It's hard. Never in a million years did I imagine this is what life would become for us. He hasn't been charged I don't even know if they've got to look at his devices yet. I'm only 2 months in and I honestly do not know how people do this for months and months or even years.

I am going to try and calm myself this weekend. I'm going to really try to stop thinking of the what ifs. Thanks again Vickie I hope you have a nice weekend and get some time for yourself too x

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Fri February 19, 2021 10:26pmReport post

Saphire

There is light at the end hun I was so un decided to what I was going to do but I asked for discloser my partner gave it to me. I asked him for the truth he gave it to me,, my kids are the same hun it's hard but I made a pro and cons list I also write my feelings down in letters and sent them to him and that's how we started the hard questions then moved it to phone calls. For me the fact my husband was on remained and then sentenced it was the only for us to have contact and to address my questions. I defo hun if u can order porn trap and read it and ask him to read it, again it gave me a better understanding of why and how people end up down this dark path and ways to ask questions to my partner. I have been open with my kids like u when people do naughty things this is what can happen but also I have told my kids that daddy does love them and that will never change and I don't know what the future holds but he now can talk to them over the phone with me there. There is not a lot of support but there is some have u rang the helpline hun they can give u great advice to,, have a look at the stopso forum room to hun that another great place for help. Also try not to think of the if cause u will burn ur self out hun I know that's easier said than done I have done it. I know have a hour or so for my phone a day and try to put it away and play with the kids or do some house work, then I have nice shower then pamper my self once in bed with a face mask and glass of pepsi and try and wind down before bed and try not to wind myself up and found this is working and sleeping better. Lot of love and hugs hun always drop a line and I will always try and reply xxx

Edited Fri February 19, 2021 10:29pm

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Sat February 20, 2021 10:30amReport post

Thanks Vickie. I haven't phoned the line as I still find it too difficult to put it into words I have used the live chat once. I don't talk to my parents about it only maybe twice since it happened because I find it so hard to speak I break down or recently when we spoke this week its just triggered me to be back in that first day again and remember it all. I sleep better but my brains exhausted so it has no choice but to sleep but then the dreams I have are disturbing. I will use his therapist at some point in the future as they are doing great with him and very experienced in this for partners and couples too. I am going to take a break from posting over the weekend. Tomorrow we have contact in the morning then me and the kids are having a big Sunday dinner and movie day with snacks. Today we are chilling Pjs and toys and colouring books and maybe some baking. Thank you Vickie I will take your advice and switch off the best I can.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Sat February 20, 2021 1:06pmReport post

Saphire

Making great step,, yes but also if u do feel that ur emotions are building or brain is running away hun then come on here right it down and someone will reply,, like I have said in other comments please also have a look at the stopso group there are many ladies from here over there to hun. Let us know how u get on over the weekend but remember are here for u to hun xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Mon February 22, 2021 10:53amReport post

Hi all how are you?

I had a weekend of not much going on my phone and trying not to read and research stuff. This was helpful. We made cakes on Saturday watched cartoons and played board games. I had my parents over and we ordered pizza. The kids loved it. Sunday I did a roast dinner and we had contact with my husband in the morning so we went for a walk. The weather wasn't great so it wasn't the longest contact. He seemed to be on a real downer this weekend I know he feels he is missing so much with the kids they'll say things that he doesn't know about or hes missed that they've moved from one favourite TV show to another little details like that and he feels lost. When we are together I feel a sense of calm around him which I have always felt. Over all the weekend was good. I want to try to talk to him quite a bit this week. He's being more open and easier to talk to on this every time we talk. It's amazing the benefit he is having from counselling which is good he will come out of this a better man. The cost of counselling is high but the benefits make it worth it. He's started the online modules too. I'm actually proud of him for opening up and taking these steps, he has also said he knows he has problems and he hasn't had a healthy mindset. He said he's been dishonest with me and secretive in our relationship but he's now telling me everything as he only wants me to have him back again if I can accept him for everything he is and everything he has been and who he will be at the end of this. That's what I want too. I want to take him back knowing I accept him and not spend my life angry and hurt. So we are on the same page. I feel more positive today than I did on Friday. February is coming towards an end so another month ticked off soon, and onto the next month.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon February 22, 2021 11:17amReport post

Oh saphire so pleased to see a positive post from you my lovely!! Sounds like a lovely weekend and that your head is in a better place. At the start of this journey this forum is good for knowing your not alone but it can overload your head about stuff that you dont need to deal with yet so I'm glad you took a break and concentrated on you and your family xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Mon February 22, 2021 3:23pmReport post

Saphire I'm really chuffed that you had a calmer more chilled and positive weekend. Sounds like your husband is working really hard on himself. It's so hard to see when they are so remorseful and full of regret. What's going through their minds eh, I know my husband is really really sorry and wishes he could turn back time. He says what he's done is constantly in his head. My weekend was very up and down. As you know my husbands family really betrayed us especially his mum so I've been trying to come to terms with it in my head. I've also felt a bit claustrophobic with my husband if that makes sense?. We do normal stuff then I want to talk about stuff but we are going over and over the same things and it's exhausting . Mainly me this weekend trying to understand why his Mum felt the need to tell his Dad then his step mum telling her family!?. I just can't understand,like them hearing about it is nothing compared to what I'm trying to live through is it. He's going to work on the modules again tonight but we've decided to cut his Mum off for now and I personally never want to speak to her again. She's an alcoholic and has been all my husbands life. My husband has also told me things that happened in his childhood I never knew until the day of the knock, he kept it deeply buried away in his head. For years through his childhood with his Mum ( years of neglect and other stuff too shocking for my head to deal with). It explains a lot about his discovery to porn. He was exposed to it age 10. I felt exhausted yesterday and had an hour or so crying on the bed. I'm a bit calmer today, did a huge haul of clothes for charity ( all my daughters!) and I'm gonna tackle my bedroom next. For this afternoon though I'm having an hour just reading, daughter has took over the lounge doing a dance workshop! I've been sent to my bedroom lol!

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Mon February 22, 2021 10:44pmReport post

Thank you Lee, and youre right I needed to stop and step away it's helped.

Louise, you're having a hard time with the family things going on, I really can feel your anxiety on it as I can't imagine what I'd do if it got out wider than my parents right now. Your husband still lives with you is that right? I guess it has its pros and cons, it's good you can be a team in this but I guess it makes it hard to escape it as well. I get really lonely as I've never really been alone like this I know the kids are here but you know at night it's not the same. At the same time I don't know if I could cope with my husband living here still I think I'd go round and round and round we would drive each other crazy. I think you're doing the right thing to cut her off at the moment it's such a betrayal of your trust I would do the same.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 23, 2021 8:11amReport post

Thanks love, it sounds daft but last night watching Boris make all the lockdown announcements triggered me into a real sense of doom. I felt really sad as everything felt optimistic didn't it but we have this horrible trauma hanging over us.because I'd got upset It made me start discussing over and over with my husband about the things his Mum did to him when he was a boy ( she sexually abused him and neglected him, a lot of issues around her alcoholism). I had a lot spinning around my head with the stuff my husband told me. I mean he buried it very very deeply away all his life but it's brand new to me so I told him that's going to take along time for me to digest. I felt upset all my plans for my birthday this year( big 50) feel trivial and fake now as we have no idea when it will get to court or if it will be around the time of our birthdays or even 2 years down the line like a lot of ladies on here. But then this morning I feel calmer. I don't think I'd cope if my husband wasn't here. We have times where yes there are a lot of deep discussions with crying but then times where everything is like before cal this happened!. Such a strange limbo to be in

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Tue February 23, 2021 11:00amReport post

I'll be honest the announcement of things opening up has left me really mixed up. I've got family and friends desperate to visit me that I haven't seen in over a year because of covid and they really want to see my kids. But they don't know that we aren't living together and are currently separated and don't know the situation. I know it won't be long before meet ups and play dates are suggested and family get togethers and ill have to start telling people we split up and that's terrifies me. The questions the opinions the gossips. We are well known and established couple people will certainly not be expecting us to split up as I've never had a negative word to share about him. When lockdown ends and things open I don't know what to do to be honest. It's very scary to think we could still be here in 2 years, I don't know if I'll feel the same for him if we have lived apart got 2 years will I grow to resent him or grow to not want him I don't know. My husband was abused as a child and I didn't know until this either so I can relate to how that makes you feel as well.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 23, 2021 12:21pmReport post

Oh good grief Saphire me and you are having the same sort of life aren't we. We are the same, a very well known couple, no one would think in a million years we'd split up and I really hope we don't and get through all this. I'm older than you aren't I love? but I can really relate to the play dates and trying to appear normal. I'm sorry to hear what happened to your husband too when he was young. God it's like a bomb going off isn't it on our lives that were very happy

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Tue February 23, 2021 2:56pmReport post

I'm back at work next week. After Boris announcement lots of us are being brought off furlough. I think it might be good for me, I need a bit of normality in this horrendous time. I miss talking to my workmates. None of them know about any of this and I hope to god it stays that way. I say it a lot but I just can't see how reporting these crimes in the media is a deterrent. It tears families apart, ruins innoscent lives like the women on here and just causes a path of devastation especially when the offender is truly remorseful and wants to do everything they can to sort their life out!. I understand the other side of it I really do but that's a huge huge problem that needs tackling and it isn't being tackled enough!

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Tue February 23, 2021 4:28pmReport post

I'm in my mid 30s he is 10 years older than me. I've been working I took the first few days off but I've been working from home a lot with the odd day in, but now stuff is opening I will be based in work full time within the next week or two. I don't mind the distraction I just have a job where I can't hide from people so I have to be all smiles and cheer and I don't know if I can be that right now. My boss is great she knows the situation as I had to share with her due to my role requirements. I just want to hide at home from everyone who knows me to be honest. I don't ever want to socialise again. The thought of walking into a family gathering without him terrifies me and the thought of people knowing and me facing that situation I know I'd never manage it. I feel like if people ever know then that will be me finished with those sort of gatherings I don't want to be the one everyone whispers about as I walk into a room.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Tue February 23, 2021 6:12pmReport post

Hi ladies

Hope all is well soz been quite had a bit to deal with as sw turned up last night to inform me that she had information on my partner,, so it started that it was all about my child and I am not listening to them and not taking it seriously,,

Then she said that my partner is on a SHPO AND SOR I was I have been told by all parties involved he is not and she would not have it then she was like its late so I leave u to it at abount 7.30pm and see u in the CIN meeting tomorrow,,

I have not sleep so I started my day by phone the offericer that came out he said there was nothing about it in his report so he said he would email her and try and get to the bottom of this,, then I rang the solicitor and again was told the same,, I then phoned the court and asked them what the outcome was and she read the transcript and it says that he is not required to sign the register and there are no order in place towards my partner,, she also told me her manger is seeing legal advice,, here comes a big fight I just don't think she knows what she is doing,, sorry for my rant hoping my partner will ring tonight so I can apologise to him for the way I spoke to him last night and start getting all paper work together to show that they are not there,,

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Wed February 24, 2021 6:12amReport post

Crikey Vickie you must be so frustrated with it all!. Your SW really doesn't know what she's doing?!. I mean did she tell you where she got that information and if she can provide that in writing. So all the relevant dept, police, courts, probation can provide the correct information so that would imply to me she doesn't believe all of them?! Yet you can easily provide this info in writing so she'll look a bit incompetent won't she. Can you get it in time for your meeting?. I wouldn't worry about the threat of legal action as you've done everything correctly. If probation are recommending he can live at home when he's released?, you want him home when he's released? And you've put all the safety plans in place then yes if I was you I'd stand my ground. Like I keep reading on here the SS have to prove there's a significant risk from your husband for them to escalate the restrictions to ultimately a family court case. Keep standing your ground love

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Wed February 24, 2021 11:19amReport post

That's what I am doing quietly getting on and getting my paper work in line ready,, bring it on now need her to acknowledge that there are no restrictions on him but for now I am doing my safety plan and what I want,, my partner is going to fight for the knowledgment of there are no restrictions bringing it on,,

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Wed February 24, 2021 10:36pmReport post

Vickie you're having such a hard time of it with this social worker. Your strength and determination is amazing though. I hope you get it sorted and corrected.

Louise how are you feeling now it's nearing the end of the week? I've been quite up and down this week but the week seems to have flown by cannot believe its Thursday tomorrow already.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 8:16amReport post

Morning ladies, Saphire I also had a very up and down week. Quite a few deep conversations with husband about his Mum abusing him and how we deal with that. It's going to take me a long time to process that in my head and I think once all this nightmare is over we will tackle that together. I am finding it exhausting at times, all this is in your head 24/7 isn't it. I have a CBT therapy session today. I'm going to tell her I want it to be the last one. She's been brilliant helping me with techniques but I don't open upto her about what my husband has done. I did tell her everything on the initial assessment but she hasn't spoken about it since then so I find it hard as my extreme anxiety and stress were triggered by the knock and everything afterwards!. Yea I had got issues with stress but it ebbs and flows through the year ( usually before Christmas when there is far too much on my plate!). I'm going to ring the helpline soon but first I'll register on stopso. I had a big cry last night as I really wanted to talk to someone, like physical face to face talking. I know I'm being naive but I just wanted someone to say everything will be ok, just like my Mum would I suppose but I just can't tell her. My husband is home and we hug a lot and he's very very sorry but he's done it at the end of the day,I have conflicting emotions. One day I'm positive and full of plans to support him, then the next day I'm crying and just can't get round why he's done it ( I understand that but I just can't believe it's happened). I'm stressing a bit about SS. I spoke to her about two weeks ago, she still hasn't written up her assessment. I'm starting to look at it as maybe she just has a huge workload and maybe ours isn't such high risk ( that's what I'm hoping anyway). If she closes the case what happens?. I mean she told me she'll close the case after her first meeting with my son in our home. Then she spoke to my husband at length and when I last spoke to her she said she was waiting for the oic to send her info?! I still don't know how she can have such an informed assessment of my family from a 30 minute meeting in my home and a 10 minute chat with my son??!. I mean he was a typical teenager boy! Answered her but wasn't mega vocal! She chatted to me a lot and said how lovely my house was! And checked we had smoke alarms and that's it!

maybe a lot of women would be cooperative with the SS if they actually gave us support too!. After all they expect so much from us and want us to be the protective parent in a situation that we didn't cause yet they do not give us updates, point us in the direction of support, nothing!. We are exhausted and traumatised yet they want Mothers to be very strong at a time of a huge traumatic event! It's all very contradicting to me! They want what's best for the children but if the Mother is coping with huge amounts of stress how can they expect us to be 100% strong all the time!
sorry rambling!

Edited Thu February 25, 2021 8:22am

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 9:47amReport post

Hi Louise I really relate to what you are feeling I could have written it myself. I've spoken to my husband a few evenings this week one evening I was really angry and grilling him on the situation which makes me feel horrible after for doing it but at the same time it gets things off my chest. Then we have had a few really normal chats and just spoken about what the kids have been doing and what works been like. We received out assessment from the social worker last week and we are trying to push for some ammendments to be made to it. Also in the report it disclosed things I wasn't fully aware of officially. For example i know he's under investigation for possession but the report uses the terms download and upload and says its more than one occasion it gives the time frame that's triggered this and also the categories they believe to be involved. My husband didn't even know these details - or so he claims. But we have had open discussions where based on what he said prior it matches that, if he hadn't and I had just read that document I really don't know what I would have done. It makes awful reading to be honest of kids and family written down in black and white and this situation described it really hits hard. I know seeing it written has really impacted him this week. The case is being closed but the conditions for contact make no allowances for special occasions so we are trying to get those things added. We don't want to be sat here in the same boat at Xmas for example and he still can't visit the home and we have to freeze to death outside. We've been advised once case is closed we will only be referred back to this agreement so it's important that what's in it is something we can follow long term is required. It's also hit me hard how long this can go on for. I see my husband deteriorating in front of me each visit his mental well being is showing signs of crumbling. He gets a huge boost from his counselling and I see that it's helpful he looks forward to it. I know again this is me thinking way ahead but if we all wanted to relocate at the end of this to another part of the UK would we be allowed to? Could we leave England but remain on the UK? My minds torn between sticking it out and thinking if this is going to work we need a new house new start and fresh surroundings.



Louise you're earlier into this than me and I'm amazed by your get up and go attitude you've achieved so much in a short space and you're living with your husband which has its pros and cons. Good for access to discussion and talks but then he's there when you're at your lowest too and can't escape that. I think you will be okay, you've already shown you can do this and every day you get up and you continue to do what anyone in your shoes would struggle to do. This I think is the hardest test a person can face as it's a lonely journey with limited support. I think there's only a couple of weeks difference in our journeys so I hope that we can support each other and reach milestones together as talking on here is my only outlet. I can't consider therapy as I'm not ready to openly talk it's too painful.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 9:59amReport post

Saphire, you may not want to but I would question the assessment?. I thought the police gave minimal information while there's an ongoing investigation so how do ss know here's downloading and uploading etc etc?. Has your husband been charged yet?. Lee may helps us here but I'm sure I've read on here the SS are given very minimal info so if they base their assesment on information or assumption? Is question that myself as it may have an impact on the safety plan requirements. Have they closed your case?.

Right this is totally random and old school but I'm buying one of those day by day diaries today!. It's to help me mainly tackle my anxious mind and the to do list I impart on myself!. I've found I always right lists and notes etc on my phone. All too easy then to get distracted by actual phone and then start going down that dark rabbit hole of Googling stuff, research etc etc. Before you know it you've condemned your husbands to 5 years prison and sor indefinate!! All because I've googled far too much! So the other day I physically turned my phone off and hid it for the day! Felt a million times better, just focussing on me!. I'm babbling but what I'm trying to say is an old fashioned diary I think will help me focus! And may help other ladies ( I mean if anyone here is younger than 25 you probably think that's very very old school having a diary!)

Saphire I've also had that thought long term about relocating. If I didn't have children or if they weren't so entwined in their lives here I'd move in a heart beat!. I love my house but I love my husband and kids more!. I can vision us 5 or 10 years down the line and all this horrendous time in our lives bring over. I can picture no one knowing ( apart from stupid Mother in law and husbands step mum but I can deal with not seeing them ever again!). I can see us having a quiet, simple life, kids left home living their own lives and us getting our life back. I know that's a very optimistic vision and it will be a very very hard rocky road to get there but I have to believe. I'm nearly 50, I don't know if I'll live to a grand old age or not so I have to think of a brighter future! If I don't I'll fall apart right now!

Edited Thu February 25, 2021 10:33am

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 11:16amReport post

Yes this is what I thought too. I thought they'd know the same as what was on the document police left. So possession and not other terms and suggestion of categories. We are not accepting the plan at the moment so the case is open. We are mainly challenging the contact and want it to allow contact for special occasions to be at home. His solicitor is appealing to the police to give more information to the sw to make it clear the ages they believe this involves as my husband is adamant that its older teens and not ages anywhere near our children's ages. It states there's nothing to suggest he has done anything to our children and there's nothing to suggest they're linked to the investigation at all either. It's really grim reading to be honest and made me very angry and contributed hugely to me feeling like I was losing my mind last week. I don't want to accept the plan until it is right, they've not put the right bail conditions in either so they need changing. She's also wrote I will leave my husband if he is guilty. I have not said that. I have said we are on hold until we get an outcome. It's frustrating as the sw asked me what I knew about the case and I said I knew about the possession element I asked what did she know and she said the same. Then a few weeks ago she's dropped the term upload into our discussion and I went crazy on the phone. I knew nothing of upload being related and she started talking about there being more inrent and more concern for uploads and him having a sexual attraction to children. I had a huge meltdown on the phone to my husband where he then said about his use of chat rooms and having images shared with him that he shared on. Now it states the possible categories. So why didn't she just give me the full details she knew of at the beginning rather than me reading it. Its also a shock to my husband as he only knew the dates they're saying it happened and that it could be download he didn't know upload had been mentioned. Which I believe as saw the devastating impact of upload being mentioned and we discussed it in depth then whag upload means and whether he might have done anything classed as an upload. I feel like when ever I talk to her or read something another little bomb is let off as she reveals something more.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 11:17amReport post

Hi ladies sorry been a manic week as trying to get my business going again and my husband has a blood clot so been dealing with quite a bit. Ok ss are given minimal info by the police because if they give too much info it will impact on the investigation!! Saphire that is alot of info that ss say they have and you can request for the proof of this information from them. Who exactly has the assessment been on? You or husband? Also ring the solicitor and inform of what the report says to see if he is aware of any of this. Download and upload I'm not sure what they mean by upload I'm presuming they are meaning it was sent to others but the wording is strange. Ss are known for exaggerating and lying so take what it says with a pinch of salt until you hear it from the police or the solicitor. There are reasons the police cant disclose to families and it should be the same for ss but they can be a law unto themselves!! Also you can do a data request from ss and there you will see any communication and notes with other authorities so it will show where the info has come from if that makes sense. It will also show exactly what they think are the risks etc xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 11:40amReport post

Lee thank you, my husband has spoken to his solicitor about this but he mainly focussed on the contact element but I will ask him to email them about what social services claim has been disclosed to them. I do think this has a bearing on their opinion as the words intent being thrown around already and he is yet to be charged. She has produced a safety plan and the other assessment is just a general assessment of our situation as it details all our talks so far from me and my husband and her visits.



I hope you and your husband are OK x

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 1:08pmReport post

Lee I spoke to the sw and raised my concerns and she said she copied the allegations directly from the referral they received from the police. There's further info that I can't go into which I know would've came from the police due to its detail. She advised me to address it with the police why did they not share this with me? So I think I will think carefully and then contact them tomorrow and ask why when I spoke to you twice did you not give me this information and instead I see it in this assessment. And if you can go that far why can't you answer the sw questions about the ages involved because you're giving so much detail and not that key bit which makes a huge difference.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 1:47pmReport post

Hi ladies

Awaiting a call from the police now,, my partner has written to his solicitor to act on the behalf of us about his charges that the sw is saying are in place when none else can find this information. I wish they would understand the stress and hurt they cause to family's,, its come to light and court have verified he has not been charged of a sexual crime but was sentence because of the messages them self the independence of them.

Finally sleep last night after been awake for two days in a row,, CIN meet just made me out to be useless that I am not looking after my children. Not caring for them and meanting their needs,, I was like yes something dropped but god I am only human and trying my best I felt like saying well if I am that bad why are they still here then I feed them,, play with them,, take them to school,, wash them,, have clean cloths on there back,, my in laws are helping me to. I wanted to say come and do a day in my life my son was very hard work this morning but I got him sorted and on the bus,, she wants a fight then bring it on I have never said my partners behaviour is right no I have not I told everyone when it happened I have never tried covering it up. Shows u where u get when ur honest about things.,, sorry for the rant ladies hope u all OK x x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 3:57pmReport post

Crikey ladies! I think I need to open my wine now reading all this!. Firstly Lee I'm so sorry about your husband love, how terribly stressful for you ( terribly??! I have been watching Downton far too much!). You must be exhausted with it all love. I am happy to read you are building your business back up though, thats bloody brilliant!

Saphire I definately think you should get the paperwork from SS ( was it disclosure Lee said?), find out exactly what info they have. Remember keep a level head and get everything recorded/ documented in your own file/ notebook, times you spoke to people, names etc etc. They are trying to manipulate you and twist things so you need pure facts. Like you say you disagree with lots of the assessment so it needs rectifying, for a start you haven't said you will leave your husband if he's guilty and even if you had said that I would expect the prove of that!. I remember at the very beginning I spoke to a SW ( not the one assigned to me) and she also said words along the line of upload, meaning uploaded to the internet so sharing something, like you upload a photo onto Facebook when you put one on there. She was totally making it up to me as as I now know the SS are given very very little info. My husband is a million percent adamant he hasn't shared anything, gone in chat rooms nothing and I believe him. My god if he wanted to cover up now it would come out eventually so it's no benefit to him to lie to me! He's told me everything. The SS appear when we are so stressed and vulnerable and I think they use that to an advantage, well some do!. Some are of course more forward thinking and progressive but a lot it seems work to an outdated agenda!



I had my last CBT therapy today. It was very good and I do feel so much better after talking to her. I decided though I'm armed with enough techniques to help me with worry and stress that I don't need to keep talking to her. I've also made a pact with myself to stop doing so much reaserch and really really concentrate on me, my husband and my kids. I will keep coming on here but I've decided I need to stop googling " what sentences do sex offenders get"! Because it really isn't helping. This weekends mission, blitz my bedroom! I'm am going to be very ruthless with my clothes! Want to move it around too! Then I'm back at work next week. I hope I have the energy for work!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 4:03pmReport post

Vickie I needed another box to reply to you! Your SW is a nightmare! They have it in black and white so their hands are tied surely!!. I haven't known you long on here but I'm a good judge of character and you are an amazing mum! You have a son with needs and a young daughter, my god you do everything for them love! I think it's disgusting of the SW to imply otherwise. I know you will fight this to the end and they will have to back down, they really will. I just can't believe there's so many SW across the land who are so against families! I know they have to cover the risks but there has to be a point where they trust a mother and let them deal with it!

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 4:07pmReport post

Thanks Louise, everyone's having such tough times on here with so many different things.

Vickie you've came this far you can definitely take on the next battle.

The social worker said I should speak to the police so I plan to ring the oic tomorrow and ask him why he hasn't given me this information but had given it to the social worker. She still claims its all from the police referral. I think she's telling the truth tbh but I'm just annoyed that they can put all that in writing when he hasn't been charged. I think it reads really bad and now I know why social services have been so judgemental at times. I just don't know why the police can go that far to disclose categories, dates and what email and username and ip address is connected to this but then fail to say the ages concerned - the biggest and most important detail for me as a mother of 2 young children. I decided not ring the officer today as I felt like I might lose my temper and snap today like I'd end up screaming down the phone just tell me or something like that. So I'm going to think it over and try tomorrow on my lunch break.

Vickie

Member since
November 2020

325 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 4:49pmReport post

I have re written my child protection plan,, safeguarding, I have done a risk assessment chart,, back up plan should I be ill and where the kids would go and what would happen,, dates time I have spoken to the police what they have said what court has said,, what she has said,, solicitor is now waiting for consent letter to arrive for the final outcome of court to be sent to here then if she still does not acknowledge it then I will take it to the family courts because she has told every body in the CIN meet facts that are not in place and I and family members really believe she letting her personal benefit and opinions be expressed stand by ladies,,

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 6:30pmReport post

Saphire that information should not of been given to the ss!! That is disgusting and can affect the investigation!! When you ring the oic tomorrow please rip them a new one as that info is not necessary for the ss and shouldnt be in any reports!! So bloofy angry at that!! Xx

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 7:06pmReport post

Lee I totally agree!! Very incompetent! I feel angry for you Saphire! If I was with you right now I'd be there helping you love! ( even if it meant taking your kids so you can have a break! Remember I have teenagers! They are a breeze, expensive but easier!) your SW is making me so mad! Why are they able to be so inconsistent! Right Saphire do that data request thing. Have a day to collect all the things you want to say and document it all and date it. Honestly it's not right!. If you don't get joy go above your SW and ask to speak to their manager. If you're speaking to the oic ask them there standard practice with SS, be calm and ask them straight. Don't let them fob you off from one to the other, you need answers!

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 7:51pmReport post

Thanks both, I'm really angry the more I think about it. It makes sense as to why she said things about would I ever trust him again even if he was found not guilty. I feel the information basically says he's guilty of all this but no charges yet. It annoys me all I want to know is the ages concerned and they won't share that but will give the email and username he has used to social services. Its not fair to keep reading things like this and be left in shock again and it all comes back again that morning that day the trauma of it all. The lack of trust I feel for everyone now, I don't feel there's a single person I trust any more.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 8:44pmReport post

Saphire have you spoke with your husband this evening?. Too many mistake with procedure have happened and you need answers love. Write everything down you want to say to the oic. Personally I'd ring them first. If there's a way I'd try and record the phone conversation just so you can write it all out. You could even ask for an email if they do that? Then you have a paper trail. Then do the same again with SS, document phone conversation and if you can follow up with an email. Show them you mean business. Trust me love this sort of thing I'm good at!, I'm a stickler for paper trails and getting things in writing, I bet Lee is too!. For example I have to send my drivers licence off ( speeding fine!, 36 in a 30! Great eh!) anyway I'll photocopy everything before I send it then mark on the copy the date I sent it. For tonight though love try and chill, I know that's easier said than done and I have really struggled at times but you'll need strength to ring the police tomorrow if that's your first port of call xx

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 9:25pmReport post

Always have a paper trial!! Be careful recording anything as it can only be for your ears and can never be used in anything legal xx it's way too much information that the oic has given to ss and as we see time and again ss say things that are not true!! I have had 3 sw and they were all given minimal information xx

Steli

Member since
February 2021

25 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 9:55pmReport post

I hope you all don't mind me jumping in on your conversation but I felt I may have something useful to share with what is currently going on.

My understanding in my own case is that the police do indeed share quite a bit more with Social Workers than is shared with the offender and family. They do this in the interests of child protection so it is possible your SW has been told details that you haven't been. What is supposed to happen is that the SW shouldn't comment on any of it or share that she has that knowledge because that is what could prejudice the investigation.

I believe, even when charges are brought, the police also won't tell you what the charges, categories, ages, volume, etc are unless the offender gives permission.

I was separated from my ex by the time he was charged and I was only informed that he was charged. I had to wait for the details to be released through family court which we were in the middle of. I know our SW knew those details before I did as the OIC explained this to me.

Also, I don't know if this helps but sometimes the terms 'upload/download' are used broadly but it's worth noting that the police cannot be made aware that an offence has taken place without an upload or download (unless it's communications based) so if your partner is being investigated for possession, there is inevitably going to be an upload/download somewhere because that is what alerted the authorities in the first place.

My ex was arrested due to an upload but his charges are all for 'making' images which I think is a catch all for possession and possibly sharing but I know there is no suggestion that he shared images other than the initial upload that alerted them to him in the first place.

I hope that helps a little and that I've not made anything worse.

Its always worth calling the OIC to ask for more details but be aware that if the SW has shared details that they shouldn't have, the OIC is likely to take a firm line of refusing to give information and won't confirm just because there's been a 'leak'.

Edited Thu February 25, 2021 9:57pm

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 9:58pmReport post

Thanks again both. Yes I've spoken to him and he's waiting for his solicitor to get back to him about it too. It is a lot of information shared and also its just bloody rude to share stuff that I haven't been made aware of. Why would you do that and set someone up for more upset when it's not me thats even done anything wrong. I will write it out before I call with a fresh mind tomorrow.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 10:11pmReport post

'Making' is the word the court use for downloading and why it's called making is because doing a download creates a file and so its classed as making a copy. It's not how society think that it means that person has made that image. I think each area is different all 3 of my sw have told me that minimal information has been given to them. And I know this is true in our case as ss are as frustrated with the police as we are as one of our cases involves my child. There is no consistency in any aspect of this and each case is unique and treated in many different ways. X

Steli

Member since
February 2021

25 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 10:22pmReport post

Yes, the word 'making' freaked me out when I first saw it, although, I will also say that the court order (which had the charge information on and where I first learned of the charges) was initially wrong and actually stated 'creating'. This was amended later so it shows that sometimes errors are made.

Its crazy how there are different policies in different areas. I know for a fact that my SWs knew a lot more than I did.

I'm also very wary of the idea of the partner having to trust the word of the offender to say whether or not something is accurate or not.

The offender is usually in this position because they concealed something in the first place. I won't pass judgement on whether anyone should or shouldn't be trusting their partner but they didn't get here through honesty and the charges they face are extremely shameful so I do wonder if expecting full and honest disclosure is sometimes asking too much. I know it's thought that 'it'll all come out in the end so why would he lie about this now?' But I guess sometimes the truth hurts too much to admit? I think it would be helpful for the partner to be informed of certain things officially as it is necessary for them to know and to help them make informed decisions, especially regarding their children.

My ex came back from his first interview and gave me some cock and bull story about how brief it was and nothing much said which played into his bull story about it being a mistake and he was 'hacked'. I ate it all up and stayed with him for that month until suddenly it twisted into a monster and it was clear he had lied to me. It wasn't until I read the transcripts of his first interview where it was clear that he had kept a lot of important information from me that I realised how damaging it had been when the police refused to tell me what had been said at interview. They told me just to ask him when it was clear from his interview that he had made disclosures of lying to me. But they left me to the wolves to be lied to some more.

Sorry! I just dig into something I hadn't realised was there.

Steli

Member since
February 2021

25 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 10:35pmReport post

I was just thinking that the reason my SWs knew more could be because there were family court proceedings running alonside that the LA were involved with. Perhaps they wouldn't have known so much if there hadn't have been.

Also, I find it crazy that some here talk of having bail conditions when my ex had no bail conditions at all yet, as it turns out, is considered extremely high risk due to the fact he doesn't even accept the charges.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 10:39pmReport post

And that's why I say one of the most important things a partner should do is get full disclosure from the solicitor with their permission if they dont give their permission then it's a big red flag!! I have seen everything, there are no secrets and the police lied about my husband and my oldest daughter( a video of them having sex together) so no I have no faith and trust in the police xx and a little known fact is that if the accused gives their permission to the police then the police can disclose to the partner. Steli your story breaks my heart that he has done so much harm to you but not all the men keep lying after the arrest. Every journey is different and he has done so much damage( and continues to do so) that I totally understand your lack of trust in any of them xx sending you so many big hugs my lovely xx

Steli

Member since
February 2021

25 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 10:58pmReport post

Hi Lee,



Thanks. I hope it doesn't come across like I'm saying they are all liars and not to trust them just because of my situation. I don't want to pass judgement on anyone or their relationship. But you are right, it is a red flag if the person won't allow full disclosure. I just know that it must be an incredibly hard thing to expect the offender themselves to disclose everything in full. I'm not saying they are deliberately trying to deceive if they don't disclose in full or if they try to minimise or dismiss things that have come up. I genuinely think it is often too much to ask, especially if their partner has chosen to stay and support them. They may be so grateful for the support that they worry that any further extra detail could be the straw that breaks the camels back and their partner then leaves. It's genuinely not a judgement against the person or their partner. I realise my ex is an extreme and unique individual just as my situation is unfortunately.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Thu February 25, 2021 11:46pmReport post

I remember before the first arrest when I caught my husband numerous times he would not tell me everything and drip feed me not because he is a bad man but exactly those reasons you have said!! But the arrest changed that as I couldnt do it anymore just rip off the plaster yes it will hurt like hell but at least I know what I'm dealing with and then can make the right decision and I was lucky. But for me words mean nothing actions mean everything now xx your strength shines through in every post and are very inspiring in that we as women and mums keep going no matter what crap gets thrown at us xx

KLK

Member since
October 2018

92 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 7:36amReport post

Wow, the worlds longest thread!!!



I'm so sorry Vickie, Lee asked me to message but I couldn't find the thread and randomly came across it this morning!



My husband was charged with an obscene publication which in itself isn't a sex offence. That being said, given the vile nature of his conversation with the undercover officer on kik (discussing abusing children) he was hit with an SHPO for 8 years. This came out of the blue roughly 4 weeks after the court hearing.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 7:50amReport post

Morning ladies, just catching up from last night. I think like Lee says everyone's situation is very unique. With me yes I am supporting my husband. We've had some very honest, deep conversations and I trust him. I know you could look at that from a different angle and think well why would he tell me every detail just in case I might leave him?. I think with us his stance was " I can't believe you are still with me", he hates himself, he's so remorseful and at the beginning wanted to end it all. I know you say they all got here initially from not being honest, but I think it's very complex. My husband hid a porn addition, he buried very deeply inside his head that his Mum abused him. Yes it took bring arrested for it all to come out and believe me everything came out on the day of the knock when he got home.I'll never know if he would of ever told me or I would of discovered it, I just don't know. But I know in my heart and I trust my gut feeling he's told me everything. I think if my husband wasn't telling me everything the guilt and shame would be so overpowering with him that he would tell me the same as what any full disclosure would give me. Sorry I hope it's not coming over as a neurotic defensive wife! I just wanted to add a different perspective. Me and my husband have talked and talked about how he got to here and it's just the most saddest thing to see the remorse and regret in his face, his head is full of what he's done to us all day. I don't feel angry at him. It's really strange to say this but we are hugging more and are closer. Yes there have been moments of frustration and anger ( mainly my MILs betrayal and the results of her telling family members) but we are a very close unit

sorry really babbling!, I'm back at work next week, furlough ending and they are easing some of us back in. I'm a bit nervous but also looking forward to some normality and seeing workmates. Saphire I hope it goes ok if you're ringing the oic today?. Let us know how you got on later

Steli, you are incredibly strong through your journey, reading everything that happened to you my heart breaks for you love

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 7:52amReport post

KLK! Lol it is long isn't it!! And the trouble is you have to scroll and scroll to get to the end so you can reply!!. It would be better if it was just like a what's app chat! We have done a lot of talking the last few weeks on this thread eh ladies!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

294 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 9:14amReport post

Ladies I'm going to try and practice some of my CBT therapy this weekend starting from today!. One of the things was stepping back from my phone and living in the here and now. I'm not running away from all you lovely ladies but I think I'm gonna make this weekend a time to chill, work on some self care and go on a very big ramble across the fields with my dog as it's supposed to be good weather! ( almost spring like today!). I hope you all manage to relax at the weekend too, I'm shattered today but gonna get some nice clothes on, slap on my face and get this hair straightened! Monday will be a weird day for me, back to work since the knock but I think it will be a welcome distraction from all this stress and anxiety, take care ladies xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 9:43amReport post

I completely understand the lack of trust and have said openly my relationship is on hold until the outcome of this I cannot decide whether to move forward with him or move on without him until then. I have also made it very clear to the oic I will only take their word as truth, so I have double checked things like bail conditions and case details with the oic before and said my husband has told me this - can you confirm this is true, I have also told the oic that I really do not want to ever be in a position where the social worker knows more than me and I am caught off guard with details I do not know. I've asked my husband if he is aware of all the details in the report and he said he doesn't think so, but he also said that on the day he was arrested he broke down in that interview and cannot remember much of the details as he was in a state of panic and the only thing he remembers are the questions they asked about our children and he said that's severely traumatised him and upset him so he remembers nothing else which I believe and understand that in that situation being taken out of your house at 5.30 would be very stressful and overwhelming.



I'm writing down what I want to ask, mainly I want to ask why this level of detail has been shared with the sw and is that standard procedure. I'll also say from my own reading and research less information is given so why this level in this case? I want to say it reads as he is a guilty man even though he hasn't been charged and that I feel this is influencing the sw and impacting on my children.

I also want to address how the oic did not disclose this to me on the 2-3 discussions we have had since his arrest as the sw said this was in the first referral so it's information they have had all along and decided not to share with me so I am left second guessing and my mental health is now suffering because of reading this report and the additional shock and trauma it's given me. How do they expect me to make accurate informed decisions about my future and the welfare of my children if they withold information from me which I've clearly requested before. I'm going to ask for his email address and say I want to follow this discussion up with an email for my own records.

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 11:33amReport post

Saphire the accused are entitled to the transcripts of their interview. Lot of them dont remember much about their interviews which totally understandable but the solicitor should be asking for a copy of the interview that may answer some of your questions xx

Louise take time out honestly it helps so much!! Have a nice weekend and just concentrate on your family my lovely xx

Steli

Member since
February 2021

25 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 11:35amReport post

Hi Saphire,

That sounds like a really good plan. I hope the OIC is able to give you the information you need and can reassure you they will work with you from now on. Going through this is isolating enough without feeling the people who are there to support and protect you and your family are withholding important information.

Best of luck the conversation goes well x x

Steli

Member since
February 2021

25 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 11:43amReport post

Louise, that sounds like a lovely way to spend the weekend. Best of luck on going back to work on Monday - it may be just what you need x

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 2:27pmReport post

So, spoken to the oic he said he did give that information and did so because I have children at the address. He also said he was not in my house when I was informed as he went to the station with my husband so he didn't know what has been said and what hasn't and he's answered as much as he could in our previous discussions. He also said did we didn't have children I would literally know nothing as having children means I get to know more in order to protect them and make informed decisions. He apologised that its a distressing time and said as my husband went for no comment when arrested he's made it harder for them as if he was more open they'd have more information to give to sw too. He did say the devices are now being looked at but he doesn't know how long it will take but they've started. Which makes me feel good there's progress but also makes me feel sick that it's slowly moving forward to having answers.

Steli

Member since
February 2021

25 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 2:34pmReport post

Hi Saphire,

I'm glad you have finally gotten some answers. Whether they were what you were hoping for or not, hopefully now you will have better communication from them going forwards x

Be kind to yourself x x

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 6:30pmReport post

Thank you steli. Does anyone know if its true that as he went no comment it's slowed things down? And meant less of the info social services wanted like ages and so on has been passed on? When I told my husband he was really upset as the solicitor advised no comment and he followed the advice and now feels he's dragging the process out for us and if he had said more then social services would cooperate more.

He's also challenging our sw on the contact conditions he's not accepting the plan she's sent us as it says no visits at our home even for birthday or Xmas. Obviously we know this could still take time so what we accept needs to be right and his counsellor and solicitor has told him to challenge it.

Steli

Member since
February 2021

25 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 6:42pmReport post

Hi Saphire,

Yes, saying no comment to every question is likely to have slowed down the investigation initially and they can now only rely on what hard evidence they find. They would have had questions and, had your partner answered them, there'd have been follow up questions to help them determine which routes to go down and what avenues were likely dead ends. They now have to sift through every little bit of data they come across. I'm not saying they would have overlooked things if he had answered questions but they would have had target areas and things to look out for to prove their case but also wouldn't have needed to rely on it so much as they'd have had the disclosure anyway. Does that make sense? This is something that solicitors seem to advise but don't explain the consequences of it. They advise it because it buys them more time and there are likely things the offender could disclose that may never be found in hard evidence so it is done to minimise the amount of evidence found and used for charging. (As in, he could disclose an offence to them for which they find no evidence at all - if he'd said 'no comment' there'd be nothing for them to know about). Unfortunately, criminal solicitors don't have much knowledge of how the family system works and with Social Services and it's of no consequence to them and how they would build a defense so it's not explained fully. It's a common practice I'm afraid.

If he wishes to engage and co-operate (his saying 'no comment' is likely to be viewed as not cooperating), he might be able to ask for a voluntary interview where he chooses to answer their questions but he shouldn't do that without speaking to his solicitor first.

Edited Fri February 26, 2021 6:46pm

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 10:28pmReport post

Thanks that makes sense.

My next question is can social workers close the case without everyone agreeing to safety plan she has put in place? Basically we've asked for an ammendment which she's approved but hasn't sent the amended plan yet my husband then decided to push for changes to the contact situation after getting advice - she's replied saying no and case is closed. But we haven't officially all agreed and accepted the plan or revised plan or seen the revised plan in writing so how can she say case closed? He's now going to speak to her manager Tuesday.

Steli

Member since
February 2021

25 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 10:41pmReport post

Sorry But I don't know the answer to that as I'm not in the same situation. I didn't want to read and not reply though.

What I have learned through reading other peoples stories is that they can re-open a case if they discover that you haven't followed their agreement whether it was signed or not. And they are likely to be very disapproving if that's the case so if either of you aren't happy with it, definitely continue on at them about it until you either get them to amend it and have it resent or until you get confirmation that there will be no amendments and nothing can be done. And then do your best to stick to whatever the plan is. It could be that you have to accept it as it is now and once you are further along in your journey that you can ask them to re-open and re-assess. Hopefully a solicitor can tell you about that.

Hopefully someone else will be along who knows better x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 10:45pmReport post

Steli the no comment is seen in different ways and your totally right in that it pushes the work back on the police to prove what they are alleging. My husband went no comment on both interviews and I'm glad he did as he was a mess at the 1st one and ended up in a mental hospital for a few days and the 2nd arrest was regarding my youngest daughter and im so pleased he went no comment as it's now be proven that my husband is innocent of the allegations( but in our case the police have involved both my daughters). And actually him going no comment has not made a difference to ss thankfully as he has always be open and honest with them xx also I wanted to say I hope your day is as wonderful as it sounds like it will be as you truly deserve it my lovely xx

Steli

Member since
February 2021

25 posts

Posted Fri February 26, 2021 11:00pmReport post

That's good Lee, I'm glad that it worked out for your partner in those situations. The police do say they don't prejudice against people who say no comment but we all know they think they know that what they are alleging is true and they just want the person to admit to it. It's just as well to see that they are sometimes chasing a wild goose (I also know this to be the case in my own situation) - they certainly don't always get everything right and I wouldn't claim they do. I used to think they did.

Thanks, I'm struggling to get to sleep right now. It's like Christmas Eve. I'll likely be back some time next week once a bit more settled and will update / share what I've been wanting to.

x

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Sat February 27, 2021 12:15amReport post

Sending you so many positive thoughts my lovely xx

Saphire

Member since
January 2021

87 posts

Posted Sat February 27, 2021 8:29amReport post

I hope you all have a good weekend. Had a long chat with my husband on the phone last night and he's feeling a bit stressed but also had his counselling and I can see and hear and feel the difference in him it's amazing how easily he talks now there's a long way to go yet but his counsellor has said he is making such amazing progress. You've all been really helpful with your answers and feedback this week. I think during this we've both gone along and accepted everything and now we've developed a little more fight to ask questions and challenge things. I'm very aware the big fight and battle is yet to come. I feel I've got a better understanding this week of the roles of all involved and their position on things and that helps me to see that it's me who will get the best out of this situation and if me and my husband work together as a team for the kids it will help.

Our weekend is planned got contact today and the sun is shining so far so it might actually be a nice contact outside for a change although it does look cold out but no rain so that's good. Dinner with my parents tomorrow which always helps the kids to have another focus and some fun.