Family and Friends Forum

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Fri January 8, 2021 3:05amReport post

Hi, I'm very new here. The police knocked on our door yesterday morning and arrested my husband. They had a warrant and searched the house and took his phones laptops and iPad. He told me in the kitchen it was to do with porn and child porn. I was unbearably shocked, my kids are 18 and 15 and it was horrible. He was released on bail but couldn't sleep in the house because of my son who's 15 . I have cried all day, I feel numb and want my husband here. I know he's done a terrible thing but I need him here. A child services lady rang me and said my husband can visit but must not be in the room with my son. My husband said he's been addicted to porn for over 18 years and over time it increased to looking at images of younger people. He's never chatted to anyone online, no group sharing things no contact with anyone . Never done anything off the internet and never ever harmed or looked at our kids that way. He says he's addicted to porn. I'm not coping and don't know what will happen next. The solicitor advised him to say no comment because the police didn't get into his phone etc. But he knows there are images on there. He is deeply deeply sorry and very upset. I'm scared he will do something stupid to himself.Also I want him home, I want to know if he can stay here once children services have talked to my kids?. He's never ever been in trouble with the police but all I can think about is him going to prison and us loosing the house and people finding out and targeting my kids

Edited Fri January 8, 2021 3:08am

Yazznan

Member since
July 2020

211 posts

Posted Fri January 8, 2021 10:36amReport post

Hi Louise

I had to reply to your post. As I know how the aftermath of the knock affects you. I couldn't just read and not reply.

First of all massive hug to you. Its the biggest shock of your life. The next coming weeks will be hard. I felt every emotion possible.

I found there isn't much support available to the partners of the offenders. This forum has been my main support and the occasional phone when I got through.

I found by reading the forum (I read every post from the furthest back) I gained an understanding of this process. This is unfortunately going to be a lengthy one. Depending on which area of the country you are.. That against a global pandemic and the growing number of men arrested for these crimes.

I don't really remember the first week that much its all a haze, but one of the best bits of advice I was given was to take each day as it comes, don't think too far ahead as that can be overwhelming, eat something even if its small, try and keep your immune system strong whist feeling the stress, and be careful who you confide in. Not everyone will be able to cope with this.

I still haven't to this day told a soul. I have councilling and cbt to help my over anxious mind. Its been nearly 7 months post knock. I left the relationship. But it still affects me. I think in some ways it always will.

One thing I have learnt is there are deeper reasons why men fall into this trap. They can be good men who make a bad choice. They may never delve further than the porn itself. It sounds as though your husband has been very honest and admitted his truths straight up. That in itself is a positive step in moving forward. There are lots of women on here who have stayed and supported their husbands. Take your time in deciding what to do. There are so many what ifs and buts right now. I watched a doc on ch4 last night married to a paedophile and it explains a wife who left and a wife who stayed.

While it's feeling impossible right now I am a bit further on than you, it will get easier I promise. You will get stronger each day and you have your children to keep you going too. Reach out whenever you need to we are all here to help and support as much as we can.



Look after yourself hun xx

majestictopaz15

Member since
December 2019

371 posts

Posted Fri January 8, 2021 1:36pmReport post

The forum is very useful and I wish I had been told about it sooner. It wasn't until my partner was sentenced and assigned a probation officer that I was told of the forum.

The Lucy faithful helpline is a good start too, they can be quite busy but keep trying to chat to someone who has professional knowledge. I also used their website to read peer reviewed articles on online offending. It helped me understand the complexity and I used the info to ask questions to my partner.

Main thing is to take each day by day, avoid making big decisions while you and your immediate family come down from the initial shock. Please feel free to ask for advice and support through the forum.

It is good that your husband has been honest early on, I recommend he look for support for rehabilitation. My partner was thankful for the Lucy faithful helpline and their inform course. He needed the help to really see the harm he caused- it is common for offenders to be desensitized. It could be a long time before the end of the investigation so the time between now and investigation result would be best suited he looks to rehabilitate.

Mata

Member since
May 2019

62 posts

Posted Fri January 8, 2021 4:42pmReport post

Your story is exactly the same as mine, im now 18 months on still with my hb. I dont think i will ever forget the morning of the knock, that day a part of myself and my husband died.

My husband has a porn addiction, this i didn't know and like your husband it led him down a very different path, one he is going to live with for the rest of his life. He now attends weekly SAA (sex addicts anonymous) group which has helped him and he has a sponsor that he can call on.

We have had relate and both have had counselling, paid for by us. I wish there was more support for the partners and family, i feel we just get left on our own. We have not told any family members or close friends, its not something i like talking about out loud, if you get what i mean.

As everyone will tell you, take one day at a time, look after yourself and i no it sounds hard but what will be will be.

Use this forum as much or as little as you like, someone will always answer you.

Take care and stay safe ansd well

Mata x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Fri January 8, 2021 4:54pmReport post

Thank you so much for your replies ( sorry not sure how to reply to people individually! Forums are all new to me!). I think I'm most scared and worried that he will go to prison or it will be in the papers. I can't help thinking that if that happened then actually me and my family could have a much worse punishment than him going to jail if everyone found out. I want to support him 100% and tomorrow he is ringing the helpline on here. More than anything though I'd like the bail condition relaxed so he can stay here. He is 1 million percent not having thoughts about actually doing anything to my kids or children. He is addicted to porn and it's spiralled over the years to be so uncontrollable and I believe him. Hopefully the children services will come round next week. I don't know what they do apart from interview the kids and ask about how they get on with their Dad. They both have a brilliant relationship! I'm the strict one especially with the daughter! ( girls are hard work eh!). Do they do a report to the police and then can the bail restrictions be relaxed?. If he's not home I feel worse in myself. I love my husband and want to get through this

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Fri January 8, 2021 4:57pmReport post

Mata was your husband sentenced if you don't mind me asking? Or was the counselling etc what he ended up getting from the courts?. I feel like, and I'm being optimistic that the best route for my husband would be some sort of community order and sex/ porn addiction therapy

Mata

Member since
May 2019

62 posts

Posted Fri January 8, 2021 6:12pmReport post

Hi Louise49

My husband was given a 24 month community order, 5 years on the register and shpo (sexual harm prevention order) thankfully it didn't get in the papers.

My husband sees his probation officer weekly and as of yet we have not had any other visits.

Mata x

BelleBee

Member since
April 2020

149 posts

Posted Fri January 8, 2021 9:37pmReport post

Dear Louise,

Sorry you find yourself here. It's hideous but I promise it gets better.... just take one day at a time. In my experience my husband wasn't allowed home until after he had been through the court process. For us it was 8 months from arrest until he was allowed home. We had to be assessed by social services. Each case is treated differently but generally they aren't allowed to live back at home whilst the investigation is ongoing and my understanding is this is because they need to find, or not find, the evidence. Ring the helpline too - they are brilliant.
take good care of yourself xxx

Edited Fri January 8, 2021 9:37pm

Noa

Member since
December 2019

15 posts

Posted Sun January 10, 2021 11:59amReport post

Hi, so sorry you have found yourself if this situation. For me it is my adult son who lives with me that is the offender, possession of images, no distribution or contact but unfortunately lots images in all 3 categories. The knock came 13 months ago, computer taken and then nothing for 11 months, in November he was charged and tomorrow goes to court to enter his plea. The main thing i want to say is you are not alone in this, and these crimes seem to be much more common than I thought they were - I had to tell my work as I have enhanced DBS as i work with vulnerable people, after i had told the manager and deputy one of them divulged that they were going through it with their husband, i also told another colleague who found me when i was having a shakey moment and she then said her son had suspended sentence for similar - being able to speak to others who are going through or have been through it was such a releif, and i wish i had confided earlier instead of keeping it to myself for best part of a year. Take care, take each day at a time x

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Sun January 10, 2021 12:15pmReport post

Thank you so much for your reply Noa. I woke up yesterday with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and I can't stop crying. I feel in limbo and feel like at the moment I'm the one getting the punishment. I really can't get it out of my head that once he's pleaded guilty ( because he will do) that the case gets in the paper, I'm petrified for that more than actually his punishment. I can cope with it all of no one finds out. I'm waiting for the children's services to come round and speak to my kids, it's my son really as he's 15, my daughter is 18. It's having a massive impact not having my husband stay over. The bail conditions said no unsupervised contact with anyone under 18. I'm here now all the time as I was given parental leave from work ( told them a stressful family situation they've been brilliant). I just want them to see he is 100% remorseful and he would never ever do anything now. I'm getting him to ring the helpline on here to start the ball rolling on therapy and I'm looking into how I can monitor his phone ( he has a simple replacement one as the police have his) for his internet usage. I want the courts to see how sorry he is and is 100% willing to help himself. Does anyone know if there's a way to stop the press being involved? I really think that would be so devasting for us and the kids more than even him going to prison

Marie

Member since
December 2020

6 posts

Posted Mon January 11, 2021 3:20amReport post

Hi Lousie - I feel you and feel we have very similar situations. I want to reach out and show you support. I did not find this group until a few weeks ago and felt so alone in the last 3 years of this nightmare.

We have been through the whole thing and extremely lucky that he got off on a caution and it did not go public, but it was so close and the excruitating weeks waiting for that decision was sheer hell. It is so good you have this space and i'm more than happy to talk to you off here but I don't know how to facilitate that?

We are still together and VERY slowly putting the broken peices back into place like a mosiac - maybe it's going to be beautiful, in a different way.

I understand fully that you want to be with your husband and would feel better if he was there with you - must be so tough. I remember that feeling. Then a few months later, I asked him to leave for a break and he went away for 6 weeks to India and hiked the Himalayas...very good for him. Then we have been trying ever since to get through and it's been so very hard but I am lead by my heart and I love him deeply and don't feel he would of ever harmed anyone - he got so addcited after 20+ years of porn and got lead into this dark dark world and did something very very stupid, shocked himself and I was concerened he was going to so something as well. He got through.

He is in recovery - goes to SLAA meetings - has a twice daily meditation practise and has zero access to the internet without a password that I type in - has never once complained about this arrangement in the last 3 years. Has been without a smartphone for 3 years and is relieved for it. But he is still struggling with intimacy physically and with his emotions - it's what got him into the addcition in the first place - is the case with many of them. there is some interesting reading on it when your'e ready - intimacy anorexia and I have now got it as a reaction to the situation so we have been in a very distant place emotionally with each other - I have hardened my heart - but our hearts are still connected - this whole thing is such a paradox. He is SUCH a great guy - dad - friend etc. I still just can't fathom it. But he has changed his secret addiction and it is possible

It is so so hard to reconcile what happened - thats were I am stuck and thought I was a freak for staying with him until I found this page.

Please take one hour at a time, self care is paramount through this - you need all the resources you can get. I did not have my normal support as there was no way that I was telling anyone and I still havn't - my closest people know it's a porn addiciton and thats it - I think they have probably figured it out (due to my silence) and even that makes me sick.

Use your faith - whatver that is - anchor in to the presnt moment as much as you can coz the overwhelm and crazy in your head is exhausting.

Sharing what literally what got me through my panic attacks in the beginning and while I was waiting on a verdict:

STOP and ask - Where am I right now? Is everything alright with my loved ones right now, survival level - are they alive? Am I alive? What colours can I see? What noises can I hear? How am I breathing? what is my heart saying?

Ask yourself those questions over and over and draw down out of your head into your body.

I hope you don't mind me sharing these tools as they were an absolute LIFE saver in the beginning. There are alot of other things to help but this is great at the start until you are ready.

Sending you much much love.

Hugs XXXXX

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Mon January 11, 2021 7:47amReport post

Hi Marie, thank you so much for your amazing supportive reply. I will really try and live day to day because at the moment my mind is very much in overdrive about the future. I love my husband very much but I'm so worried about him. He visits in the day but I look at his face and I can see how much he's hurting at what he's done. I'm going to ring his solicitor today. I just don't get the bail restriction, he was bailed to our home address with a restriction of no unsupervised contact with anyone under 18. I'm here all the time now as I have parental leave from work so can he stop here properly?. He's been sleeping at his Mums but that's far from ideal and we are in lockdown at the moment. He would never ever harm or touch his son, it's never been about that so I don't understand the bail condition. My other biggest worry is people finding out, if it gets in the papers our whole world would fall apart and I view that as a punishment for me and the kids which we don't derserve!

Marie

Member since
December 2020

6 posts

Posted Mon January 11, 2021 6:07pmReport post

I understand completely - you DON'T deserve that. You have done nothing - it is one of the most unfair things to happen to anyone. Stay connected to your heart and practise as many times as you can to come out of the head - I KNOW it's hard but it's survival for you. You are delaing with strangers who think he is dangerous - they know nothing of the situation, in my experience, they are unversed with pornography addiction and lump them all into 1 danger area as if it's black and white. They are following the rules with NO regard for you. I was so badly treated by the officials that in any other circumstance I would have had grounds for a serious complaint of physcological abuse and outright human indecency.

Get it all out here - I bottled it up and it's all coming out now! Not a good strategy but it's al I had!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Tue January 12, 2021 4:39amReport post

Thank you everyone, a social worker rang me yesterday. It made it a lot worse. My husbands original bail paperwork states no unsupervised contact with under 18. I explained this and that he was bailed to our home. She said she couldn't understand why the police have done that as she thinks he is a danger to children!?. I got upset and said it was no way that and never has been. I pointed out it felt like a punishment to us as my husband hadn't been charged yet. She then said according to the police file he's done more than the police told us but how would she know that? They are still gathering evidence and they did not accuse him of what she said. The social worker said someone will ring me to arrange the assesment. I don't feel like there's any support for us at all. The only help I'm getting is on here which I'm hugely grateful for. I need to talk physically to someone, I thought I might confide in my brother who I have a great relationship with, has anyone on here told family members about their situation. My husband is incredibly down and I'm worried for him. I've told him to ring the doctor and that it will help in his journey as the doctor can refer him to counselling maybe?

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Tue January 12, 2021 4:40amReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Tue January 12, 2021 4:47am

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Tue January 12, 2021 4:45amReport post

Lee1969, thank you for your reply. Can I just ask what's a iioc? My husband was arrested for looking at child indecent images online. He's admitted to me he has a porn addiction and it's took him down a very dark route. He saved photos on his laptop. He's not been charged yet they just took his phone and laptop. We are in such limbo with the bail conditions. I'm really not sleeping and really struggling. I can't eat with the worry. My husband told me it would be easier for everyone if he ended it all. This really isn't an option and is making me worried he will do something stupid

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Tue January 12, 2021 7:30amReport post

I'm struggling badly this morning. I'm so so tired. Went to bed about 12 then woke up about 1ish then a bit later then woke up at 4 and couldn't sleep so for up at 5. I close my eyes but then everything is in my head. I don't know who to turn to next, I have this overwhelming urge that I need to talk to someone ( not just in here but actually speak). I thought about the Samaritans, my doctor or even my brother. The social worker was no help really and has fuelled my anxiety more. Who is there to support the partners from this. I'm sat here worrying about my husband, worry about myself and the impact it's having on me. Do you think a call to the doctor is the start I need?

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Tue January 12, 2021 8:12amReport post

Lee1969 thank you so much, please know it's helping me to talk to you and others on here so thank you. I'm on the phone now trying to get a doctors appointment ( like blimmin gold dust!) . My husband is also asking his boss for a couple of days off so he can sit and phone the helplines etc. He drives a hgv so it's difficult at work for him go on helplines so time off is needed really. I think this limbo bit is the worst thing imaginable, it also didn't help speaking to social services. I actually think I'd feel slightly better if the police actually charge him when we go back to answer bail. This bit is horrible

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Tue January 12, 2021 8:23amReport post

I managed to get a doctors appointment, well actually it's just a call at first ( covid restrictions) then the doctor books their own face to face appointment. I really hope I can get in to see someone. I feel terrible this morning, like I've been hit by a bus, I can't eat either and it's brought on my IBS

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Tue January 12, 2021 10:47amReport post

Thought I'd update a little. I'm still waiting to hear from my doctor. I messaged my brother ( we have a great close relationship) and I poured it all out to him on the phone. He was brilliant, obviously shocked but very supportive and told me I needed to tell someone. He doesn't hate my husband ( I was scared he would totally turn against him). We are meeting on Friday ( outside somewhere cos of covid). I feel a little bit of a sense of relief. My next hurdle is children's services. I've not even thought about my husband getting charged and actually deep down I just want them to charge him so we can get this horrific process started. I do feel bad lumping all this onto my brother but I know 100% I would drop everything to support him if he had done anything like this

mjl73

Member since
August 2019

240 posts

Posted Tue January 12, 2021 11:58amReport post

I hope telling your brother has really helped you. I didn't tell anyone until 2 months after my husband was sentenced. When I told my sister, which I had to do as she has children, she was more upset that I hadn't told her and that I'd gone through the whole thing alone. I too was the same, I thought she might never want to talk to me again, but my family have actually been great and I don't have to make excuses for why my husband can't go visit etc.

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Tue January 12, 2021 5:05pmReport post

That must be a huge relief MJ, it's so hard isn't it telling someone as you build it up in your head how they will react. My brother was brilliant. I had a positive doctors appointment, I got very upset but told him everything. He wasnt judgmental of course just very sympathetic actually and talked for ages and kept saying I must know it's nothing I've done. He resssured me that my husband can ring him abs he says whilst obviously the police need to do their job he can seek help. He prescribed some sleeping pills for me and referrred me for counselling so I've started the ball rolling on that. Any tips anyone on how I deal with children's services, I want to stay strong but at the same time I'm 100% in support of my husband and I feel like I'm gonna be tested by them!. They won't break my family up. I know my husband has done wrong and will pay for this for a long time but like a lot I've read it doesn't define him. I love him but hate him at the moment if that makes sense!

Willow123

Member since
November 2020

10 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 12:20amReport post

Post deleted by user


Edited Sun January 29, 2023 11:06pm

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 6:05amReport post

Thank you so much Willow for your reply it was really helpful. I'm so worried about the social services assessment. I think it's because I feel I will be judged and I'm the one that has to do all the work. The woman I spoke to the other day wasn't very helpful. I know my husband has done something very bad, I'm not in denial but she was kind of the stance of " well he made his bed". My point to her was at the moment it feels like it's my crime and my punishment. If we do the assesment and they are satisfied do they let the husband back in supervised? I can live with that. What does a safety plan involve? I will do whatever they want ( even though I won't agree but won't show it of course!) I feel like they want me to get rid of my husband and that's not in the best interest of the family yet they are supposed to be children's services! Also if this drags on for ever my son will be 18 and it's my understanding the children's service contact stops? Wish he was 18 now!

Louise49

Member since
January 2021

494 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 6:14amReport post

Does anyone know after the first bail hearing if it can be changed to released under investigation?. Does that change the children's service involvement? I'm so worried about what I need to say to make them know he's not a risk to my son, what he's done is a million times away from anything like that but they can't see that. What if they don't believe my son? And how can they make an assessment from a potentially 30 minute chat. They won't know about his 15 happy years with my husband, going on holidays, mountain biking in Wales, all the daft things they do together. I even said to myself I'll fit a lock to the inside of my sons door if that's what's needed

mjl73

Member since
August 2019

240 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 7:42amReport post

Hi Louise

That all sounds positive with regards to your doctors.

I don't have children so I can't really speak about SS and their involvement but if you read back over the posts on the forums I know lots of others have shared their thoughts and ideas for safety plans that they have put in place.



You will not persuade SS that your husband is not a risk to your child. They will want you to acknowledge that there is always a risk and that you have put in a plan to protect your child.

Fatso

Member since
November 2019

107 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 3:24pmReport post

Hi

What is a safety plan and how do you set one up.

BelleBee

Member since
April 2020

149 posts

Posted Wed January 13, 2021 3:37pmReport post

Louise,

I found the SS involvement the most stressful part. Our first SW was awful. A word of warning - if you say that you know that your husband wouldn't harm your children they will potentially say that you are naive and non protective. This happened to me - even though there was absolutely no evidence whatsoever that my husband had harmed our children. They got in touch with schools and our GP. It was only after he was assessed by probabation (they deemed him the lowest risk possible for reoffending or a contact offence) that they seemed to be open to him having more contact with our children. He is now living back at home and I no longer supervise contact (but the investigation is now all over)
Make it very clear that your children are your priority and their needs come above that of your husbands. Our second SW was excellent so they aren't all bad but generally their involvement causes an unbelievable amount of stress!
take care xx