New to this and looking for support
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We got the knock about 6 weeks ago and it was a complete shock. He was accused of communicating with a minor on a Skype text call (it was undercover police in call). He answered all their questions and they seemed to believe him until a search on his mobile showed up the profile picture used in the chat plus 2 indecent images of children. He did not see the images but we were both shown the profile picture, never seen him before.
We have 2 girls 9 and 10 so he was not allowed home. He now lives with his sister but is allowed supervised visits. Needless to say I am completely without support. Children's Services closed my case as they trust me to handle it well, which is great but it leaves me with all the responsbility to deal with it alone.
I work in a school, luckily I passed my risk assessment and was allowed to keep working, sadly now homeschooling so not at work and feeling very isolated.
He vehemently denies it and is incredibly convincing. It turns out he has been watching porn recently on this phone but knows nothing about this conversation, which took place from our home IP address, or the photos. I feel I should believe him and trust him but there is evidence against him. It will be months before I know more and the limbo is killing me. Could it all be a huge mistake from a hacked phone? Could he be telling the truth?
I am allowing him access to the children but always supervised, I will not put them at any risk even though I want to believe him. The problem is that the more contact he gets the more he wants. He seems to want to pretend this is not happening and be a normal family, not sure we will ever be normal again.
So my question is, does anyone have experience of this being a mistake or is in the same situation as me?
Feeling so alone as I have told no one except 1 work colleague and my Head teacher.
Thanks
We have 2 girls 9 and 10 so he was not allowed home. He now lives with his sister but is allowed supervised visits. Needless to say I am completely without support. Children's Services closed my case as they trust me to handle it well, which is great but it leaves me with all the responsbility to deal with it alone.
I work in a school, luckily I passed my risk assessment and was allowed to keep working, sadly now homeschooling so not at work and feeling very isolated.
He vehemently denies it and is incredibly convincing. It turns out he has been watching porn recently on this phone but knows nothing about this conversation, which took place from our home IP address, or the photos. I feel I should believe him and trust him but there is evidence against him. It will be months before I know more and the limbo is killing me. Could it all be a huge mistake from a hacked phone? Could he be telling the truth?
I am allowing him access to the children but always supervised, I will not put them at any risk even though I want to believe him. The problem is that the more contact he gets the more he wants. He seems to want to pretend this is not happening and be a normal family, not sure we will ever be normal again.
So my question is, does anyone have experience of this being a mistake or is in the same situation as me?
Feeling so alone as I have told no one except 1 work colleague and my Head teacher.
Thanks
Hi Lizzilou. i know exactly how you feel. My Husband and i split up after i got the knock 8 months ago. i have only just plucked up the courage to use this forum and posted a comment last week. Like you I have not had any replies. I think its because my message got lost.
Luckily We do not have children together and my 2 Grand kids were never left on their own with him as I live quite a long way from them. I can't begin to imagine what its like for you. Its as if our lives have been blown apart. How are we ever going to trust anyone again?
At first I was worried that someone would attack our house as it was the beginning of the 1st lockdown and it was 10 weeks before I told him he had to leave. Its different for you as you are still in contact with him. Do your family and friends know whats happened?
Luckily We do not have children together and my 2 Grand kids were never left on their own with him as I live quite a long way from them. I can't begin to imagine what its like for you. Its as if our lives have been blown apart. How are we ever going to trust anyone again?
At first I was worried that someone would attack our house as it was the beginning of the 1st lockdown and it was 10 weeks before I told him he had to leave. Its different for you as you are still in contact with him. Do your family and friends know whats happened?
Hello, I'm so sorry you are going through this too.
My honest reply if that yes, I would be concerned he is not being honest. It's a hugely embarrassing thing to admit to and will likely have negative consequences if he does (eg you leave him, or deny him access to the kids). Also may be worried you could tell the police he has admitted it? If he is trying to deny he did it. So he does have good reasons to lie to you (which is not to say he is, of course). Why was the profile photo on his phone though? How is that possible, if he was not involved? The police clearly think they have some evidence, or they would not have become involved. I would definitely have a lot of questions... and be very wary of trusting him until you know more.
Re the contact. Children's Services have put that in YOUR hands, and YOU make the decisions here, not your partner. Do you have a solicitor? I recommend speaking to a family law solicitor and getting some advice from them. You need to be able to demonstrate in the future that you are 'managing the risk' and protecting your children and they can suggest ways to make sure you are doing this.
Hope this helps, glad you are ok work-wise, it's so hard working from home, single parenting and having no back up/support, so please be very kind to yourself xx
My honest reply if that yes, I would be concerned he is not being honest. It's a hugely embarrassing thing to admit to and will likely have negative consequences if he does (eg you leave him, or deny him access to the kids). Also may be worried you could tell the police he has admitted it? If he is trying to deny he did it. So he does have good reasons to lie to you (which is not to say he is, of course). Why was the profile photo on his phone though? How is that possible, if he was not involved? The police clearly think they have some evidence, or they would not have become involved. I would definitely have a lot of questions... and be very wary of trusting him until you know more.
Re the contact. Children's Services have put that in YOUR hands, and YOU make the decisions here, not your partner. Do you have a solicitor? I recommend speaking to a family law solicitor and getting some advice from them. You need to be able to demonstrate in the future that you are 'managing the risk' and protecting your children and they can suggest ways to make sure you are doing this.
Hope this helps, glad you are ok work-wise, it's so hard working from home, single parenting and having no back up/support, so please be very kind to yourself xx
I am at a similar point about 7 weeks in. I have 2 small children. My husband was arrested for possession of iioc. He has said he used chat rooms mainly for adult chat with adults but he could have received images and maybe sent images on which might not have shown girls over 18. He insists that they would've have been late teens. I want to believe that. I am close to finishing with him but I need answers to make my mind up for sure.
Hello, I'm sorry you've found yourself in the situation you've been dragged into.
One of the best things you can do atm is to seek support on this forum though.
I also work in a school & due to my job role I found this added extra pressure onto me. Although, this was more me, my actual head and safe guarding lead were brilliant when it came to supporting me and my family. Your husbands actions should not impact your role though as the rules on this changed a few years back.
My husband held his hands straight up to what he had done. This was a massive thing for us as it absolutely crushed me. However, I had to respect his honesty & be greatful for that and I also had to keep our conversations following whilst staying 'calm' so I could keep his trust.
Is it possible that your husband is too scared to admit fault? It is a massive confession to make. He may well be in denial to himself too. My best piece of advice here would be to talk, talk and talk some more. Many men find it hard to open up about every day things let alone something this 'big.'
Many men fall into these dark holes due to addiction and exploring the wider web. He may well have been wicked into something he wasn't looking for but didn't know how to get himself out of it?
My husband, admitted fault to the police & me. He was questioned a second time as the police found more evidence. Again, he admitted that it's possible he received the photos (it was all through Kik) but very thankfully the CPS decided not to press charges due to his honesty & them feeling he wasn't a risk.
Social services signed me off as a protective parent, my husband went through councilling (he had a breakdown following arrest) and has come out the other side. We're rebuilding our lives bit by bit but I do still come on this forum as the trauma I've lived through is now a part of me.
I hope you manage to resolve his case ASAP so your family doesn't have this dark cloud hanging over for longer than needed.
One of the best things you can do atm is to seek support on this forum though.
I also work in a school & due to my job role I found this added extra pressure onto me. Although, this was more me, my actual head and safe guarding lead were brilliant when it came to supporting me and my family. Your husbands actions should not impact your role though as the rules on this changed a few years back.
My husband held his hands straight up to what he had done. This was a massive thing for us as it absolutely crushed me. However, I had to respect his honesty & be greatful for that and I also had to keep our conversations following whilst staying 'calm' so I could keep his trust.
Is it possible that your husband is too scared to admit fault? It is a massive confession to make. He may well be in denial to himself too. My best piece of advice here would be to talk, talk and talk some more. Many men find it hard to open up about every day things let alone something this 'big.'
Many men fall into these dark holes due to addiction and exploring the wider web. He may well have been wicked into something he wasn't looking for but didn't know how to get himself out of it?
My husband, admitted fault to the police & me. He was questioned a second time as the police found more evidence. Again, he admitted that it's possible he received the photos (it was all through Kik) but very thankfully the CPS decided not to press charges due to his honesty & them feeling he wasn't a risk.
Social services signed me off as a protective parent, my husband went through councilling (he had a breakdown following arrest) and has come out the other side. We're rebuilding our lives bit by bit but I do still come on this forum as the trauma I've lived through is now a part of me.
I hope you manage to resolve his case ASAP so your family doesn't have this dark cloud hanging over for longer than needed.
Thanks everyone. I took a break from the forum as I felt even more confused. I have told my friends that he is having mental health problems and needs some time apart. My family know the truth but live miles away. My work and childrens school have both been amazing, so kind. I got some very expensive legal advice at the start but she made it clear that financially it changes very little as regards his rights. If we split up it's almost impossible for us to continue living where we are. I decided that I would take him back if he is cleared of everything, but at the moment I cant bear to be near him. I am actually now quite enjoying limbo as i dont want him here. The more I think about it the more I realise I know very little about him, just thought there wasnt much to know but now I've got lots of unanswered questions. He still claims he is innocent but I have decided not to torment myself with what ifs and wait to see what happens next.